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Hello everybody! Your final reminder that tonight, in Los Angeles, I’ll be doing my first ever solo hour of comedy, as I bring together the best of my bits from the Internet Read Aloud as a one-man show!

If you’re in LA and have always been meaning to check out one of my shows because you enjoy my whole deal, let me recommend that you come to this one! Here’s the Facebook event, and here are some tips for finding the venue!

But whether you’re coming to enjoy my comedy stylings or not, you should definitely enjoy the comedy stylings of the comment of the week!

The plugger paper shredder never gets jammed. It gets bursitis.” –nescio

And the runners up — also hilarious!

“Count Weirdly tries to pull an awful lot of scams with fake inventions, but it’s never really clear why. He’s capable of building convincing androids and time machines. I can respect his desire to keep his creations proprietary, but surely he can unload a few vampire pigs on the exotic pet market and finally move out of his motte and bailey slum housing.” –jroggs

“Ah, this brings me back to the wide-eyed optimism of my youth, when I had causes to fight for, like the purity of rubber and the protection of the global supply of yarn. Now I’m old and jaded and I can’t even be bothered to sigh when someone tries to flood the market with weirdly transfigured big rubber that they’re trying to pass off as normal rubber … but I used to believe in things.” –gkl

“Friggin sentient bat has one job: guard the window. Guess tech startups treat their workers like shit in Slylock’s world too, because my man clearly could not care less if Slylock busts this whole operation up with high school chemistry.” –Dan

“‘Ed Crankshaft. We haven’t seen you at one of our reunions in a while.‘ Why is she smiling, you ask? Isn’t she disappointed that Crankshaft isn’t dead? No, because this is the Funkyverse, where living is a worse punishment.” –Ettorre

“Did he choose his sweater to match her hair, or is the sweater made out of her hair? Discuss.” –JJ48

“I think we’re all missing the simpler explanation for what’s going on in today’s Dennis the Menace. After whatever catastrophe happened last time, Mr. Wilson is using the scale before and after his bathroom adventure, to find out how much that sucker weighed.” –Kytan

“The subtle differences between the two panels in today’s Slylock Fox tell quite a story. Slylock, Max, Deputy Dog and Deputy Duck loaded three prisoners onto the transport van. That much is clear. But at some point, they unloaded them, and something terrible happened. Something that would have been directed by Quentin Tarantino and set to an oddly upbeat ’80s riff. As they are reloaded into the paddy wagon, we see the dog prisoner has lost his teeth, presumably having them pulled out by the Sociopathic Shamus after he chewed off Slylock’s ear. The bird prisoner has been shaved, probably as retaliation for ripping off Deputy Duck’s tie. The rear view mirror is gone, I assume after a violent melee in the driver’s seat. And Deputy Dog has thrown away his badge. He’s seen too much, he can’t put up with this crap anymore. Just get these three to the station, and he’ll put in his papers, retire, go fishing, maybe get an RV and travel the country with Mrs. Dog. Anything to get away from that fox and mouse. As he starts the engine, he can’t forget Slylock’s face, impassive, as the Vicious Vulpine pulled out the dog’s fangs. He turns up the music, another upbeat ’80s song, to drown out the thumps and howls from the back of the van.” –Voshkod

“‘Remember when comic-book writers used to think that radiation could give people superpowers? Well, it turns out they weren’t scientists.’ ‘Batman’s a scientist.’ ‘They’re not Batman.’” –BigTed

“Thinking that Iron Fist should change his name to Canary Espadrilles.” –Fritz H.

“I almost have to respect the utter contempt that Gil Thorp has for the casual reader of their strip, as each day they present two incomplete sequences smashed together and just dare you to make sense of them. ‘Oh, did you not understand the context of the French movie comment? Too bad! Here’s a half-finished thought about another storyline already in progress, but if you want anything close to resolution on that you’ll have to wait until tomorrow, or maybe next week. Why do we do this? We’re Gil Fucking Thorp, that’s why.” –pugfuggly

“iPhone X: IP67 dust/water resistant (up to 1m for 30 mins) and HW5 impact resistant (withstands hitting supervillains in the face 5 times), glass front and back, blah blah blah.” –Baka Gaijin

“This guy’s from a broken home. He’ll be up for some law-breakin’. I also have a guy whose parents were lax churchgoers and another guy whose mother was the household’s main breadwinner.” –Jenna

“The only missed opportunity here is that she didn’t yell, ‘DO IT FOR THE ’GRAM!’” –Joe Blevins

“So, Iron Fist really loves yelling his own name. It makes sense — you’ve got to build a brand, especially in this day and age — but he’s going about it all wrong. He should be talking about ‘the Iron Fist’, to make clear that he is unique. Saying ‘an Iron Fist‘ suggests it’s a generic name, and could potentially cause him legal problems with trademark dilution. If he insists on the indefinite article, he should least yell ‘an Iron Fist™ brand fist’”. –Schroduck

“She’s got shelves and shelves of actual reading material behind her so it seems unnecessary for her to be reading a pretend book. That said, her object work is impeccable; those Second City extension classes were money well spent.” –Shoe Substitutes

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Spider-Man, 10/5/18

Though I’m usually defiantly proud of my general ignorance of superhero funnybooks, one thing I do know, having watched season one of Daredevil, is that Kingpin is a real estate-themed criminal, so I appreciate his “evicted” wordplay here. I want more real estate catchphrases out of him! You know, “This plan is trickier than assembling financing for a major construction project in Midtown Manhattan while trying to get your permits in order in time to begin construction,” that sort of thing. As a punchline for this bit, I was going to say “the actual plan he’s talking about is assembling financing for a major construction project in Midtown Manhattan while trying to get your permits in order in time to begin construction, but for evil,” but that honestly seemed redundant.

Mark Trail, 10/5/18

“Wait, isn’t that those two meddling kids who’ve been following me around? Oh, never mind, they’re reading. It can’t possibly be them. The kids I’m thinking of are definitely too dumb to know how to read.”

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Dick Tracy, 10/4/18

Oh, my, it looks like “Pauly,” the latest ill-defined member of the new criminal gang in Neo-Chicago, is a valuable crime-gang member because he came from a broken home, like [checks notes] roughly half of people in America, if “broken home” means “their parents weren’t living together for some or all of their youth.” It’s true: we’re all stone-cold killers! Point us at any cop, especially one wearing a distinctive, brightly colored outfit, and we’ll do your evil bidding! Thank goodness you’re biding your time for your own inscrutable purposes, I’ve got places to be for the next few weeks at least.

Gil Thorp, 10/4/18

Guys, Gil Thorp isn’t just about teens, and sport, and teen sports. It’s also about teens’ troubled home lives, which are a real problem in America today and also have provided fodder for some of most memorable and accidentally hilarious Gil Thorp storylines, like Aaron Aargard’s pill-addled mom, and Marty Moon pretending to be an abandoned teen’s dad so he wouldn’t be put in the foster system, and Brent “Rap-Dog” Raptor getting emotionally abused by his mother because she was afraid if his self-esteem got too high he’d go away to college. So I’m excited to see where this “slow sister” thing goes. Is she the reason Tiki transferred to Milford? Is she the cause of his non-star status? I’m on tenterhooks!

Hi and Lois, 10/4/18

Here is an absolutely true story: when I was a kid, my dad had a freshwater aquarium, and over several years we (by “we” obviously I mostly mean he but he always included me in it and I felt like we did it together) slowly added all sorts of interesting tropical fish, and we had to upgrade its size not once but twice to accommodate them all. Now, I’ve always been a dog and cat guy, but I was really fascinated by the internal dynamics of the fishtank, and got attached some specific individuals (who passed on occasionally, as fish do). There was even excitement when one fish turned out to be pregnant (?) when we got it, leading to a zillion baby fish, most of whom got eaten but a couple survived to be our first second-generation fish. After a while, we had a huge, vibrant tank full of nearly thirty fish! Then, one day, we went to the fish store and found this very weird-looking brown lumpy fish about two inches long that the guy there couldn’t tell us anything about. Not long after we got him, we started noticing some of our fish missing, and if the cause isn’t obvious from the way I’m telling this story, one day my dad came into the living room to see half of our sole remaining angelfish dangling out of the brown guy’s mouth. He ate all the first, grew to be nearly a foot long, and then died. Why didn’t we get him out of the tank when it was clear what was happening? I honestly don’t know. We never got any more fish after he died and sold the aquarium and its equipment. Maybe, deep down, like Dot and Ditto, we were bored with the aquarium. Maybe we just wanted to watch the world burn.

The Phantom, 10/4/18

As an middle-aged person with old person parents, I can state with confidence that middle-aged and old people are just as dependent on their electronic geegaws as anyone, and it’s not really fair to smugly claim that teen girls are somehow uniquely addicted to the texting and the social media and such. Still, it’s quite endearing to me that the Phantom’s teen daughter Heloise, having done a pretty good job of holding her own in combat against The Nomad, is going to finish him off by blinding him with her phone.