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Hello everybody! It’s the first Friday of the month, so you should come to my live comedy show, The Internet Read Aloud, if you’re anywhere near Los Angeles tonight! I don’t like to spoil the surprises, but allow me to whisper onto the wind the phrase “bitcoin failures!”

Here’s the Facebook event with all the relevant info!

And now, here’s the always relevant comment of the week!

“The point of AA is to stop drinking with the help of a higher power, not in defiance of it.” –grsblvnyk

And the very funny runners up!

“Look, Honey, I’m Ugly Crystal! Ugly Crystal! It’s not much, but at least it’s an identity. Don’t take that away from me. It’s literally the only thing I have.” –Joe Blevins

“In a refrigerator you can find dead birds without feathers or even skin, cold as ice. Are we having a glimpse into the Perfesser’s dark fantasies?” –Ettore

“Gil scowls grimly and says, ‘Gary is pushing your son toward music,’ much as if he were saying, ‘Gary is pushing your son toward heroin.’ Really, Gil, what do you have against music? I suppose classical music is too artsy-fartsy and feminine, whereas jazz and rock lead to depraved activities such as s-x. It’s much better for a teenager to stick with activities that lead to healthy, masculine concussions.” –jana_ch

“We don’t want specialization. In fact, we’re getting rid of naming the positions like ‘center’, ‘power forward’ and all of that. We are going to train the kids to swarm the ball and score when they can. Classical economics dictates that everyone acting in their own self interest brings a greater result for the whole, right? Well, it’s a whole lot easier to coach that way, so I’m certainly acting in my own self interest.” –Hogenmogen

“I hope that comical spring noise accompanies Spider-Man on his entire parkour-run to the hospital.” –TheDiva

“When you have a patient with a gaping wound, it’s always wise to SPROINNGG him for miles to the hospital! It saves so much in costs on any further medical treatment.” –seismic-2

“The only thing that can bring joy into pluggers’ blighted lives is the memory of past cruelties they inflicted on others.” –Peanut Gallery

“I assume Mark’s referring there to famed archaeologist Howard Carter, and ‘old’ refers not to the length of their friendship but rather the fact that Carter was born in 1874.” –Truckosaurus

I’m beginning to think true love is a myth, at least for me! It’s like, you cheat on one lousy girlfriend, and suddenly the fates inexplicably conspire to make her no longer want to be with you! I must be cursed.” –Dan

“We can all sympathize with the difficulty of finding high-quality journalism to masturbate to.” –Spunky the Wonder Squid

“Sure, he kisses the oven mitt, then fucks the pork roast. All about balance!” –pugfuggly

When Good Food Goes Bad tells the tragic story of various meat birds in the Shoeverse and their increasing violent attempts to escape their fates. The Perfesser is right to be depressed.” –Voshkod

“It’s remarkable how Blondie can cook an entire roast in a kitchen with no countertops, cabinets, or sink, but still a little weird that she’s serving it on a tiny table with just one chair. Dagwood must be so grateful because he’s about to devour 10 pounds of beef by himself, while the rest of the family watches in amazement.” –BigTed

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Shoe, 1/5/18

Say what you will about Shoe, but you have to admit that the strip really nails what it would look like if an anthropomorphic bird-man were suffering from crushing depression and just slouched down in a chair for hours too close to a TV showing awful programs that said bird-man despised but didn’t have the energy or self-respect to stop watching. The fact that this position makes it extra obvious that he’s wearing a suit jacket, shirt, shoes, and socks (leg warmers?) but no pants is an added bonus!

Blondie, 1/5/18

Call me a prude, but I don’t think Blondie and Dagwood should be doing weird sex stuff in front of their kids.

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Mark Trail, 1/4/18

Wow, everybody, Mark isn’t just taking Rusty on a trip for once; he’s taking him and Cherry on a trip to Mexico! They haven’t mentioned fishing yet but snorkeling counts, right? I think it’s cute that they’re trying to spin a trip to Mexico as exposing Rusty to a “totally different culture,” as if he’s had any meaningful contact with American culture beyond the AM radio broadcasts that are occasionally permitted within the log walls of the compound.

The casual mention of Mark’s “old archaeologist friend” is obviously setting up the main plot, so I think the questions we need to ask ourselves are: which cursèd artifact will Rusty be touching, how soon will he be touching it, and to which ancient Olmec god of blood will it be necessary to sacrifice him to prevent the destruction of the world?

Mary Worth, 1/4/18

As Wilbur spirals down into full-on anhedonia, I was trying to remember the last time I saw him experience happiness that isn’t retroactively tainted by Fabiana’s perfidy. I’m thinking it might be when he deliriously proclaimed to his editor that “I shouldn’t be alive … but I am”? What I’m trying to say is, if Wilbur wants to feel joy again, he might want to rent himself out to a rich sadist with a private island for a “Most Dangerous Game” situation.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/4/18

Hey, were you wondering how Funky’s AA meeting is going? Welp, he’s basically given a long, rambling diatribe about how everything’s going to shit that’s both extremely intense and weirdly lacking in proper nouns while everyone else stares at him in horrified silence. It’s going great, in other words.

Pluggers, 1/4/18

ONLY PLUGGERS CAN RECONSTRUCT INCIDENTS FROM THEIR MEMORY INTO A COHERENT NARRATIVE AND UNDERSTAND THE PASSAGE OF TIME

WE URBAN ELITISTS LIVE IN A JUMBLED FOG OF PAST AND PRESENT INCIDENTS, UNABLE TO REMINISCE OR LEARN OR PERCEIVE CAUSE AND EFFECT