A guide to Comics Curmudgeon merch!

OK, admit it: You want to wear some fabulous Comics Curmudgeon merchandise, but you have no idea what the hell any of the baffling, in-joke-heavy logos signify. Fear not! This page exists to clarify, and hopefully convince you to purchase once so enlightened. Scroll down to read it all, or click on any of the links below to get to a specific item.

Official “Urge” stuff

Fans of They’ll Do It Every Time know all about the Urge, that unnamable impulse that drives the urged to visit some horrible act of violence — usually something along the lines of skinning alive or burning to death — upon the perpetrator of whatever minor transgression is the subject of that day’s installment. Sometimes it’s the urge to e-mail someone to the moon; sometimes it’s the urge to pan-fry his hide; and sometimes, it’s just an undifferentiated and all-encompassing urge. In TDIET, the urge is denoted by a helpful label and an arrow pointing to the urged individual — but how can you let the world know that you have the urge? Why, with one of these awesome shirts designed by faithful reader monsieurjohn, obviously!

Buy “Urge” stuff here!

Actually Official Cassandra Cat Stuff

Ah, Cassandra Cat! She’s everyone’s favorite alluring, sinister woman of mystery from Slylock Fox. Whether she’s sneaking into a movie theater, starting a media circus on false pretenses, plotting to rob public libraries, getting tied up, or luring Max Mouse to his demise, she does what she does with grace, aplomb, and style that will make your heart go pitter-patter. Slylock Fox artist Bob Weber Jr. has created this sexy logo and given permission for me to sell it through my shop, which I’m all kinds of excited about:

Man, does she got it goin’ on, or what? Buy Cassandra Cat stuff here!

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Official Fist O’ Justice Stuff

The Wikipedia article on Mark Trail contains the following sentence: “His assignments inevitably lead him to discover environmental misdeeds, most often solved with a crushing right cross.” It’s in Wikipedia, so you know it’s true. Sometimes Mark punches someone so hard, their facial hair flies clean off. If you want to let hirsute baddies know that Mark has their number, why not sport the Fist O’ Justice logo, designed by faithful reader willethompson?

Buy Fist O’ Justice stuff here!

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Limited-editionn Margo!Boxcar!Saturn! stuff

Margo!Boxcar!Saturn! is a Comics Curmudgeon commentor meme come to life. Apartment 3-G’s Margo is such a deliciously nasty lady that her name could easily substitute for any number of rude words; For Better Or For Worse’s post-stroke Grandpa Jim bellowed “Boxcar” when attempting to say something, presumably something rude, and when he did manage to cuss, a lovely little ringed Saturn appeared in his word balloon to let us know he’d gotten out a doozy. Together, the terms were turned into a nifty logo by faithful reader willethompson and put onto shirts and mugs!

These are limited edition items of higher quality than the stuff on CafePress, and are currently out of stock; but if we get enough interest, we’ll do another run! If you’d like some Margo!Boxcar!Saturn gear of your very own, e-mail willethompson to get on the waiting list.

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Official Gail Martin Stuff

In the summer of 2007, Gil Thorp’s Coach Kaz used his vacation to get involved in the fabulous world of washed-up rock and roll acts. He ended up in the employ of Gail Martin, the “Rock and Roll Carole King,” after a run in with a boorish fellow concert-goer. So intrigued were Comics Curmudgeon readers by Gail that they quickly created a detailed backstory for her, encapsulated in a Gail Martin wiki (of course). And once she had taken ahold of so many people’s minds, wouldn’t they need the concert t-shirt to prove they’d seen her? Of course they would.

This logo was designed by faithful reader Dingo. Buy Gail Martin stuff here!

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Official Unsolicited Batting Advice Stuff

In the spring of 2007, true inspiration came to the Milford baseball team in the form of a jovial elderly African-American with a ludicrous nickname. Ex-Negro Leaguer Otha “Clambake” Yancy wormed his way into all of our hearts with his vaguely obscene batting advice, rambling anecdotes about racism, and fleshy, ass-like chin. Of course, he turned out to be a total fraud, but by then we had already fallen in love and bought the t-shirt.

Buy Clambake stuff here!

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Official Prepubescent stab frenzy stuff

Ah, One Big Happy’s Ruthie: always one step away from total mental breakdown. The only question is: how many others will she take with her when she snaps? Since the first thing that popped into her head when asked what she knew involved razor-sharp blades, it’s going to be ugly when it happens, and this logo, designed by faithful reader willethompson, presages the nightmare.

Buy stabby Ruthie stuff here!

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Official Drunken Media Scrum Stuff

In the winter of 2006/7, there was gripping political drama in Judge Parker: Randy Parker was running to replace his father, the titular Judge, on the bench, and rather than just allowing the election to serve as a flimsy pretense for passing the office from father to son as God intended, a ne’er-do-well named Reggie Black threw his own hat into the ring. He decided to smear bachelor Randy by beginning a whisper campaign impugning the junior Parker’s heterosexuality (since the concept of a gay judge is obviously totally inconceivable); Randy and his campaign decided to take the high road, fighting back by leaking information about Reggie’s wife’s apparently unsuccessful rehab to the press. The resulting press conference was predictable, but still hilarious. Mrs. Black responded to a chance to deny allegations of her drunkenness by drunkenly shouting “I’ll deny you missy!” and then threatening microphone-based violence. Randy apparently cruised on to victory (we assume; the storyline was then dropped completely in favor of sexier European adventures). But a political catchphrase for the ages had been born, and faithful reader Genetic Mishap designed the logo for it.

Buy angry belligerent drunkenness stuff here!

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Official Boat Wrestling Stuff

A hip teenage party in Judge Parker allowed one fellow to boast of what was paying for his education at State College: a full boat wrestling scholarship! We don’t have any clue as to what the hell that means, but it sounds like something that would be on overpriced clothes you could buy at the State College bookstore, doesn’t it?

Jocky McWrestler turned out to be a chem major; thus the sotto voce add-on to this logo, designed by faithful reader Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener. Buy your boat-wrestling stuff here!

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Official Molly the Bear Stuff

In 2006, an adorable poor little tame bear got loose in Mark Trail’s Lost Forest. Used to love from her owner, she wasn’t prepared for life in the wild. She met hostility at every turn, and as we were repeatedly informed by the narrator, she just didn’t understand it. Don’t we all feel a little like Molly sometimes? Now you can let the world know that you just don’t understand it.

Buy Molly the Bear stuff here!

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Official Aldomania Stuff

The summer of 2006 was truly the summer of Aldo Kelrast. From this Captain Kangaroo lookalike’s creepy first appearance, he put his considerable energy into winning Mary Worth’s heart by any means necessary. At first she tried politely rebuffing him, but he still strapped on that bowtie and went for the gusto. Mary was driven to anger and comical Italian catchphrases, but the only solution was an “intervention” that naturally lead quickly to Aldo driving drunkenly over a cliff and dying. Though his mortal form was torn to bits in a mangled heap of twisted steel, the mania his story spawned lives on — in t-shirt form! The logo comes from faithful reader mon-ma-tron.

Buy Aldomania stuff here!

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Official Finger Quotin’ Margo Stuff

Apartment 3-G’s Margo Magee doesn’t understand this emotion you call “love”; thus, when presented with the idea of an actually happy couple, she had to ironize it through the application of air quotes. The image was so delightful that she’s been called back to mock other inappropriate uses of quotation marks; she also inspired a lookalike contest that drove dozens of Comics Curmudgeon readers into a finger-quotin’ frenzy. Contest winner Lucy Van Pelt (not her real name) won the right to adorn a delightful Comics Curmudgeon mug:

And Shortpacked artist David Willis also supplied a stunning Margo Warhol interpretation:

Buy both kinds of Finger Quotin’ gear here!

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Official Search Advice Stuff

Mark Trail Sunday strips give us a wealth of information about the natural world. But not everything about a given topic can be fit into even large-format color comic strip. That’s why this strip about licorice urged to us to find out more about nature’s miracle candy on the Internet. Anywhere specific on the Internet we should look, Mark? Oh, whatever, it’s all good.

Buy this obvious statement of fact on a t-shirt here!

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Official Chopstick Technique Stuff

Almost a year before his political enemies claimed he was gay, Randy Parker proved his heterosexuality by sexually harassing one of the women who worked in his law firm. When sharing a meal of bad Chinese takeout with the young lady (soon to leave the strip to begin her training as a CIA assassin), Randy simultaneously tried to get her to call him by his first name and teach her the zen-like tricks needed to work those dastardly chopsticks. Since Comics Curmudgeon readers have filthy, filthy minds, this phrase obviously needed to go onto merchandise post haste.

Buy chopstick technique merchandise here!

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Official Home-School Phys Ed Stuff

Ira “Brick” House was a stereotypical nerd who for some incomprehensible reason wanted nothing so much as to play on Coach Thorp’s Mudlark football team. He talked, in the memorable phrase of one Comics Curmudgeon commentor, like a stupid person’s idea of what a smart person sounded like. He said any number of bizarre things, but when his sister demanded to know what he was doing waving his arms around haphazardly in the doorway, well, this was explanation.

Buy “Brick” House workout gear that you can wear when using isometrics or weights!

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Official Canadian Jive-Talkin’ Stuff

In possibly the greatest For Better Or For Worse ever, April and her Duncan cruelly gossip about their erstwhile friend Becky, coming up with a whole new set of terms for “slut”. The one that stuck with most of us was “roadside.” If you’re tired of the kids gossiping about you in the back of the bus — if you’re loud and proud about your roadside status — then you should be wearing something naughty that proclaims to one and all that yes, you are roadside!

Buy roadside stuff here!

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Official “Hat Man” Hat

When Margo Magee stalks a rich man, she leaves nothing to chance. If dude’s a hat man, she’s going to wear a damn hat, dignity be damned. But you shouldn’t leave the Margos in your life guessing. If you’re a hat man, why not tell the world — in hat form?

Buy your Hat Man hat here!

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Official “No Cents, No Fence” Hat

Fence Post Frank only appeared in a few Rex Morgan strips, but he made a big impression with his rhyming sales pitch and his hat with his name on it. Some wanted Frank; some wanted to be Frank. And the first step towards the latter goal, of course, is a hat that says “Frank” on it.

Buy your Fence Post Frank hat here!

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Official Margo Sweatshop Stuff

It was a perfect storm that bred this site’s first real catchphrase. Margo Magee had been kidnapped and forced to work in a garment sweatshop; but as a white-collar layabout, she had no real sweatshop-ready skills, so she was reduced to work as a “mule”, carrying boxes about. As the garment workers were gearing up for the Christmas rush, more zippers were needed in the zipper-insertion sector! Margo’s supervisor bellowed an order — and a star was born.

Buy Margo sweatshop stuff here!

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