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Mary Worth, 5/27/17

“Oh hey,” you’re probably thinking, “what’s been going on with Entertainer Esmé’s evil seduction planning?” Well, exactly nothing, I’m sorry to say: the Haitian bathroom incident has apparently purged all thoughts of infidelity from Derek’s conscious mind, and he’s just been thought-ballooning nonstop about how he wants to smoke. Today, however his reverie has drifted away from the specific delights of sweet, sweet nicotine and towards the vague temptations of …things…, which he plans to distract himself from with a visit to one of the ship’s (multiple?) piano lounges. No doubt Entertainer Esmé will be there, this being very much part of her long game. “Oh, right!” Derek will think. “The cigarettes were just a metaphor for the forbidden, like sex stuff with non-wife ladies.”

Blondie, 5/27/17

MORE LIKE HE’S A LITTLE BIT AWARE THAT IT’S SUPER WEIRD FOR A YOUNG CHILD TO HAVE A TIGHT FRIENDSHIP WITH AN ADULT MAN WHO ISN’T THE FATHER OF KIDS HIS AGE, ELMO

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Hey all! Hope you enjoy rolling into your three-day weekend, which I’m sure you’ve already got planned out and such! If you haven’t made any plans for next weekend — and why should you, to be honest, why bother planning so far in advance, life is ephemeral — you should consider coming to my monthly Internet comedy show in Los Angeles!

That’s a murderer’s row of comics, two of whom are out of town visitors who you probably won’t get to see in LA again, so why not build your weekend around this show? Here is the Facebook event, to remind you!

But until then, laugh it up with this week’s comment of the week:

“Pluggers pride themselves on their work ethic, unless it’s ‘women’s work.’” –TheDiva

This week’s runners up will also amuse you!

That‘s the most emotion a plugger has felt in years.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gormé, on Facebook

Derek Hoosier and Loweezy Smith feel very differently about their spouses being locked in a room with a toilet.” –A Concerned Reader

“Meanwhile, Toby is relaxing back on the nice, comfy ship and thinking, ‘Maybe if I worry hard enough, no one will realize that I’m not actually helping!’” –BigTed

Wilford Brimley can’t believe it’s come to this. You better believe Brian Dennehy can afford all the cereal bowls he damn wants.” –Shoe Substitutes

“[blows smoke rings] [smoke rings form letters, É-S-M-E] [smoke letters wind their way down to Derek’s nose]” –Dan

“‘Tape head cleaner‘ is often sold as a legal inhalable substitute for amyl nitrate poppers. That’s not a joke but it sure makes today’s FW funnier.” –nescio

“This strip brings up an interesting point: what ‘time and place‘ is it taking place in, exactly? Certainly not this one, seeing as they’re using the awkward phrase ‘girlfriend abuser’, as if the pitcher is grinding up his girlfriends and snorting them.” –pugfuggly

Panel two‘s a keeper. I’d advise Gil Thorp to use it every time they just want to abandon a dull storyline (like, say, this current one) and move on to something else entirely. Notice how the woman stares directly into our eyes, hypnotizing us. ‘In another time and place,’ she says. ‘Yes,’ we slowly respond. ‘In another time and place.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘I’ve got the warrant ready to go, partner.‘ In the glorious days of the old Dick Tracy, ‘the warrant’ was the name Dick Tracy gave to his baton, because it was the thing a suspect would see when he protested about his rights.” –Ettore

Things got very ugly! I mean, like, 70s ugly! You do NOT want to see how they dressed for arguments!” –Brian Olson

Pest control? Yes, that’s just what I want! Do you have some poison to kill pests that are about, oh, 70 pounds each and … Oh, did I say ‘each?’ Ha ha ha, what I meant of course was about 70 pounds in all! I need enough poison to kill 70 pounds of pests total! But can I buy two bags of it?” –seismic-2

“Ignoring the caption, I’m just going to pretend that I’m reading a furry-fied version of Lord of the Rings, and this is the scene right before Dog-Bilbo gives the ring to Bear-Gandalf.” –DimensionalOtter

“Maybe ‘tax audit‘ is shorthand for ‘taxidermy audit,’ the thought of which certainly ought to freeze Cosmo’s cloaca.” –Dood

“The image of a razor scraping along a bird’s beak is horrifying, but at least it keeps me from thinking about Dolly’s skin stretching.” –Pozzo

“Like their counterparts in New York, L.A. cops in this strip scratch the base of their skulls when faced with an ethical dilemma like ‘We’re supposed to guard Mrs. Parker, but Mrs. Parker says she’ll vouch.’ If only a corporation like 7-11 or Popeyes would sponsor ‘National Med-Blue-La Oblongata Day,’ urging everyone in law enforcement across the land to take five minutes to massage their thinkin’ parts, they could probably clear a lot of crimes and stop a lot of abuse.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“What would playing the Spidey card constitute in this case? I picture Peter ducking into the bathroom and emerging two minutes later in costume, loudly saying ‘Hey, I just bumped into Peter Parker in there because we’re two different people, and by the way you should totally let Mole Man go!’” –Steve S

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Spider-Man, 5/26/17

I’m not usually in the business of determining when things are racist or not, but I have to deem giving a black cop the line “Mole man or soul man” at least somewhat … questionable. But fortunately the strip quickly pivots away from race to class, as we learn that the police, far from being impartial arbiters of the law, are at the beck and call of the elite: these officers, against their better judgement, apparently have no choice but to set this violent, stick-weilding maniac free at the whim of some rich movie star.

Six Chix, 5/26/17

I actually kind of love that this cartoon is set in some boring white-collar office. They’re not spies or government agents or anything like that, just ordinary people driven to paranoid insanity by the realities of modern life.

Shoe, 5/26/17

“Plus, I’m a bird! I don’t have any hair to speak of! Now just trim my plumage like I asked.”

Family Circus, 5/26/17

Haha, it’s funny because Dolly doesn’t fully understand her own anatomy! Yes, that’s definitely what’s going on here. Surely “Dolly” isn’t a swarm of alien insects, testing the tensile limits of the human flesh-suit they’re using to infiltrate our society. That would be repulsive, and horrifying.