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Blondie, 11/16/18

It’s a tough competition, but to my mind the legacy comic strip most aggressively out of touch with how young people talk, think, and act is Blondie. The creators of Snuffy Smith or Crock may know less about computers and social media and such, but at least they don’t build entire strips around their own perception of how those things work, revealing a mindset of mingled bafflement and contempt. Have you ever shouted the name of a popular viral video, which is of course the word “hashtag” followed by two largely nonsense words, to your fellow kid on the other end of a couch so that she can also consume and enjoy that content? Of course you have, this is an extremely relatable scenario.

Mary Worth, 11/16/18

Do you think that Toby knows that Mary is always narrating her exploits in such detail because she’s grooming her to take over as Charterstone’s meddler-in-chief once Mary passes on? As the incident Mary is describing indicates, she’s anything but subtle, but you have to take into account the fact that Toby is very dumb, so she might want to just come out and say it.

Pluggers, 11/16/18

I’m really bummed about the cowardly “bacon patch” joke that’s been grafted onto this panel at the last minute, because I thought that, in “Rhino-Man volunteers to be a subject for dangerous experimental drug trials,” we finally had a Pluggers bleak enough to serve as a sequel to “Rhino-Man hocks his TV.”

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Hi and Lois, 11/15/18

The thing I honestly love about this strip is that it’s taking Ditto’s emotions extremely seriously. Look at the genuine panic and despair he’s experiencing in panel one! Check out how tightly he’s gripping his hands together as he begs for sanctuary in panel two! In contrast, Dot and Thirsty are both just slouching casually, their hands thrust into their pockets, like a couple of people without diagnosable anxiety who know that cookie jars go for like $20 to $30 on Amazon.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/15/18

OK, guys, I’m officially giving up when it comes to actually fitting together the various aspects of Wally’s story that I half remember or understand. Like, I do have vague memories of him adopting a daughter from Afghanistan, and I guess this was before he joined the army and went to Iraq and then was held prisoner in Iraq by … somebody? … for ten years and everyone thought he was dead? I’m not sure how Rana fits into that story precisely, but based on the fact that they’ve seen each other recently enough to recognize one another but don’t seem to realize that they’re both attending college at the same school, their relationship is clearly going great!

Marvin, 11/15/18

“Oh, people don’t like comics where Marvin voids himself into his diaper and are begging for him to be potty trained? Fine: here’s a comic where Marvin is pissing into his potty while making a joke about ‘streaming.’ We’ll draw him to make it very clear that he’s not wearing diapers, just to give you a vivid sense of exactly what’s happening that you can’t ignore.”

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Hagar the Horrible, 11/14/18

You know there’s an “uncensored” version of this where Sven is out there pulling gold teeth out of corpses, and that armor glove at the right in panel two is a severed hand. Honestly, given the level of editorial oversight the syndicated comics have seen lately, that probably could’ve run in the paper and nobody would’ve noticed.

Gil Thorp, 11/14/18

Sadly, this plotline continues to spiral downward away from wacky hijinks, and today has reached the depressing end state of far too many Gil Thorp plots, where Gil And Kaz Solemnly Decide To Do The Right Thing Even Though It’ll Cost Them. BORING!

Mark Trail, 11/14/18

Oh, hey, you’re probably wondering what’s going on in Mark Trail! Specifically, you’re probably wondering “Is Rusty’s mouth becoming an increasingly puckered and inhuman orifice, a baffling and unnerving opening in his face-flesh?” I regret to inform you that the answer is yes.