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“‘Exterminator,’ huh? That dog has the calm, cold eyes of a trained killer. Billy should be glad he’s a dullard — any Keane kids who get too much heathen book-learning will one day see those eyes, and then nothing more.” –stepped pyramids

And also? The runners up. Hilarious!

“Yes, there’s a fine line between ‘Food Taster’ and ‘Garbage Collector,’ a line that Sam dutifully erases.” –Pozzo

This strip makes a lot more sense when you realize that Comrade Amoshya Haftrakov was actually an officer in the Soviet army who fought in the proxy wars of central Asia before being recruited by the KGB and sent to infiltrate an American military installation, and subsequently was forgotten when the USSR collapsed. It also explains in more ways than one why ‘General Amos Halftrack’ fills himself with a gallon of vodka every day. He’s a tragic hero, a warrior trapped in the terrible future he swore to prevent. Also, he’s Russian.” –jroggs

“Feeding people cancer causing nitrates is Les’s specialty. Not as instantly satisfying as Montoni’s explosive diarrhea causing pizza, but cancer sells books.” –ZeroWolf

“The deal with those two guys is that they’re overwhelmed by the level of sheer excitement in this strip. Watching The World’s Oldest Teenagers sit around talking about a vintage car show? Maybe even with bands!? STOP THIS INSANITY!” –Peanut Gallery

“I love the defeated, slouching posture of the mustachioed guy in panel two. He doesn’t know how it’s possible to fuck up hot dogs, but he’s pretty sure Les can find a way to do it. This teachers’ picnic is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuck, y’all.” –Joe Blevins

What’s the deal with those two guys? They’re twitching and vibrating like there are hordes of bugs roaming under their skins, like they’ve been hollowed out by insects. Like they’re just skin-robots for insectoid overlords. [sip] Anyway, what was that about a car show?” –Voshkod

“Have you any idea the level of horniness required to lose $210 million in romance scams? 15,000 horny people, mostly old, mostly ugly, always desperate trekking the web in search of a target. The level of human misery reaches at least 3 MegaWilbur.” –Ettorre

“Dear Sam and/or Silo: Considering that we probably already have your tax money — it was withheld from your paycheck — good luck getting it back. And if by chance you do owe something, send it in or we’ll show you what else your tax dollars pay for. Have a nice day. –The IRS” –But What Do I Know?

“It starts with citizens trying to specify what their tax dollars will be used for, but it’ll quickly escalate into citizens deciding that the government can’t be trusted to look out for their best interests and seceding altogether. If Sam and Silo is any indication, the Second Civil War will be far less interesting and more poorly drawn than we could have possibly imagined.” –JJ48

“OPHTHALMOLOGIST is spelled wrong on the diploma. Yes, I found an error in a completely unfunny cartoon. It’s only 6:15 am, and I’ve already peaked.” –Weaselboy

“The implication is that Leroy is so turned on by the attractive nurse that his pupils are not just dilated, but FREAKISHLY dilated, reaching a level that usually requires special eye drops. I’d sorta assumed that Leroy was too miserable to feel any kind of arousal, so ‘Leroy has an all-consuming nurse fetish’ is a surprising if not entirely welcome revelation.” –Jenna

“Have we ever seen Bill’s eyes fully open before? Can we never again?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

I’d now like to announce the results of this morning’s faculty water balloon fight, at which you were all present and thus already know the results. But first I’d like to announce this year’s winner of the always competitive ‘Flimsiest set-up for a pun’ award…” –pugfuggly

“In a court of bald people the one with hair is always found guilty.” –Roof Canal

“‘There’s nothing more irresistible than driving a sports car across deep sand dunes in an area where there isn’t a paved road for hundreds of miles,’ said no woman ever, including either of the two who exist in the Crock universe.” –BigTed

“Is the shading on the jester’s nose meant to indicate the ‘lovable drunk’ stereotype, or that years in a dank, unsanitary dungeon have induced necrosis?” –TheDiva

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Hagar the Horrible, 5/24/19

Shoutout to Lucky Eddie for understanding that “torture” goes beyond the usual cartoonish depictions. Hagar and Eddie’s fellow prisoner may not have been subjected to the rack, and may not even have any scars, but years spent chained to the wall in a forced “stress position” — and, more importantly, spent in isolation without meaningful human contact — have clearly reduced him to gibbering madness.

Crock, 5/24/19

What’s more unsettling here? The fact that Crock’s Wise Sage, whose “powers” as depicted in the strip are usually restricted to offering fairly pedestrian advice, is suddenly capable of transforming Captain Poulet into a car — presumably a car in which the Captain’s mind is forever trapped, and screaming? Or the implication that women everywhere want to own, or possibly fuck, the Batmobile?

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Dustin, 5/23/19

Wow, this is quite a turn in the depiction of the generational Boomer vs. Millennial battle in Dustin! Sure, the kids these days spend too much time on Twitter and are lazy to the point of narcolepsy, but check out this late-middle-aged criminal who’s shocked, shocked that he might suffer consequences for stealing! And check out Dustin’s dad, a high-priced defense attorney who cheerfully profits from white-collar crime whether he wins his case or not! If you need consolation, my silver-haired thief, maybe you should find it in the fact that you presumably came to court from your nice house, wearing a nice suit, rather than, just to take an example at random, spending three years on Riker’s Island awaiting trial for shoplifting a backpack. Presumably you’ll get to go back to your nice house and will have a leisurely month or two to talk to your broker and accountant about how to sell enough securities to pay that fine without unduly increasing your tax burden. The system works!

Funky Winkerbean, 5/23/19

It’s hard for me to admit that I have a “favorite” kind of Funky Winkerbean, but I do, and it’s this kind: the kind where the character delivering the punchline at least has enough self-awareness to look ashamed about it.