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Panels from Hagar the Horrible, 4/23/17

Hagar and his clan may have recently converted to Christianity, but that doesn’t meant they don’t occasionally dabble in a little paganistic future-scrying now and then.

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 4/23/17

File today’s Beetle Bailey dialogue under “phrases that no human being has ever actually said aloud and yet will haunt me for days.”

Panels from Blondie, 4/23/17

If there’s a sadder commentary on what passes for pleasure in this modern age, I don’t know what it is!

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Mary Worth, 4/22/17

I feel like I’m kind of harping on this, but this Mary Worth plot is definitely what you’d get if, in Mary Shelly’s classic novel Frankenstein, the titular scientist decided to create a ghastly simulacrum of life using not pieces of dead bodies as his raw material, but rather a bunch of brochures for cruise lines. And speaking of things stitched together from severed chunks of other things, I’m sure the Hoosiers will have a blast watching this “Broadway-quality” variety show, which will be like a Broadway show except that it’s a bunch of scenes from different plays or maybe not even a play at all, just whatever monologue the bursar or the pool cleaner or whoever used as their go-to at auditions before they gave up on showbiz and decided to commit themselves to a more steady career at sea.

Marvin, 4/22/17

Haha, remember on Tuesday when Marvin’s dad was worried about what would happen if he got caught using Marvin’s car seat to commit carpool lane fraud? Welp, he used Marvin’s car seat to commit carpool lane fraud, and now he got caught! This is definitely just part of his plan to get sent to the one place where he won’t ever have to deal with Marvin again: prison. He’ll punch that cop if that’s what it takes to make that happen.

Blondie, 4/22/17

In case you’re wondering what kind of “steward of the Earth” Dagwood Bumstead is: he dreams of the day when forbidden science creates plant-animal hybrids that will literally grow slabs of flesh on nightmarish trees, the better to feed his appetites.

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So funny! Here’s the funniest one, in my opinion:

“I feel like doing ecstatic cartwheels because you can meticulously document your naps is doing laziness wrong.” –Doctor Handsome

But these others? Also very funny.

“Pluggers have to be drawn from at least the waist up when viewing lawn machinery.” –pugfuggly

Self-induced diabetes: menace level 7.” –Zerowolf

These jokes write themselves. It’s the only explanation I will consider.” –Rusty

“Wouldn’t it be funny if it were ‘the carpoop lane?’ I guess what I mean by ‘funny’ is, ‘funnier.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

For example … Harper Lee’s novel … was not To Kill a Hummingbird. The pauses in my dialogue are kind of stilted and unnatural. You don’t have to tell me that, I’m a professional writer, I know. But I want you to know … through deliberate emphasis … how much contempt … I have for my students. [inhales deeply and slowly] [flips desk] Can’t get mad, wife had cancer.” –Dan

“I don’t know why Jeff looks so unhappy. He doesn’t have to be with Marvin tomorrow, he gets to keep his job despite the fact that he apparently routinely brings in a child whose smell is so rank that it’s a joke around the office, and unlike his colleague he didn’t have an arm amputated between panels two and three.” –matt w

This might be the single most superfluous use of the word ‘successfully’ I’ve ever seen in my life.” –Joe Blevins

“Mark, quit making small talk with the kidnapper! You came here to count prairie dogs and they’re RIGHT THERE! Get your head in the game!” –Tom the Sailor Man

“You’ll be sitting at the captain’s table tonight! No, just you, the youngish hottie. We seat all the elderly busybodies in a section we call ‘yenta alley.’” –BigTed

“Sure, chandeliers are pretty, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes you just want to fuckin’ eat, with no distractions, you know what I’m sayin’?” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“Thanks for leaving out books and plays. I guess I’ll have to retire my Seabiscuit cosplay for the next SDCC.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gormé, on Facebook

“For pluggers there’s still a prize in every box of cereal. Or there would be if they still had the ability to take any pleasure in life.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Pluggers know you got to really mix the strychnine into your husband’s cereal, because if you just sprinkle it on top of the bowl, he’ll get suspicious. She may look dead inside, but she’s looking forward to the $300 in their joint checking account, the $5,000 insurance payout, what’s left of the pension from the factory, and a little goddamn peace and quiet. Maybe, finally, she’ll get to see Branson.” –Voshkod

“I think I understand the expression. It’s knowing that her husband is going to give her a lecture about interfering with his cereal, he works hard and buys her a different box for a reason, why doesn’t she ever listen. And realizing that she doesn’t care what he thinks half as much as she does about this recipe, and what all these things mean about their marriage.” –pachoo

“Baldy has heard that it’s ‘gangster’ to hold your gun sideways, but hasn’t figured out which axis it is you’re meant to turn the gun in.” –Schroduck

“So we’re just going to collectively ignore the golden falcon scratching a rabbit’s balls. Just comment on other things like that didn’t just happen. This truly is the Kitty Genovese of Not Going For Low Hanging Comedic Fruit.” –Sexy Duck Cop

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