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Beetle Bailey, 6/25/17

This is an example of a strip that only really works with the top row of throwaway panels — so called because they’re often excised by papers looking to cram more into their comics section — in place. Without them, this is just a basic Beetle Bailey strip about General Halftrack giving a long, boring speech about himself. But those first panels drive home a pair of exquisite yet offsetting tragedies: that Halftrack, desperate for affirmation and yet wholly unloved, has arranged this ceremony for himself; and that Halftrack’s creeping dementia has caused him to forget that he’s done so, which might allow him to feel briefly good about his life during the ceremony. I assume that the award is small scale model of the pyramid in which he will soon be buried, along with his staff.

Dennis the Menace, 6/25/17

Wow, if I had to guess which Sunday strip was going to peel away our assumptions and get us talking about the hidden nature of uncompensated domestic labor, Dennis the Menace would not have been high on the list.

Judge Parker, 6/25/17

“You always ask that five minutes before it’s done. And you always ask me, as if I’m making dinner! Our paid servant is doing all the work! She’s right there, you could at least make eye contact with her.”

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Zits, 6/24/17

Today’s Zits was originally supposed to be about Jeremy accidentally killing an endangered rhino at his summer job at the zoo, but apparently there are still editorial standards for syndicated comic strips.

Blondie, 6/24/17

Today’s Blondie was originally supposed to be about Dagwood’s visible erection, but apparently there are still editorial standards for syndicated comic strips.

Crankshaft, 6/24/17

Today’s Crankshaft was originally supposed be about Ed’s consensual watersports-centered erotic life being filmed and uploaded to the Internet without his consent, but apparently there are still editorial standards for syndicated comic strips.

Mark Trail, 6/24/17

Today’s Mark Trail is obviously setting up a reference to Lesely Joyce, the mistress at “Waterworld,” a sex dungeon for those like the Trails who enjoy occasional forays into the pissdom lifestyle. Are there still editorial standards for syndicated comic strips? We’ll find out tomorrow!

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Your top comment: now!

Xenarthra also includes sloths. Maybe the armadilloid will see our lackadaisical hero as more kin than food.” –Perky Bird

Your runners up: here!

“Hi got stuck in a dead-end job complete with a private window office in a downtown corporate center. By this point in his life he had always assumed he’d be perched atop a throne made from his enemy’s skulls watching the flames consume their civilization like broken up palates in a backyard firepit. Alas.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Behind Holly’s shoulder, a member of the audience is apparently congratulating the actress who plays L’il Mama by … rubbing her scalp? Is this a strange tradition at this hippy-dippy performing arts school, or is it a weird way that folks in this community have of displaying affection? Or are we finally getting to the real medical drama in this story arc, which is an infestation of head lice? I have no idea what is going on here, other than that it is more interesting than the relationship between Niki and Kelly, of course.” –seismic-2

“Happy Coddle Hi’s Fragile Male Ego Day!” –TheDiva

“[Cut to Derek, mouth stuffed with cigarettes like a hole plugged with pipecleaners, obstinately playing the slots in the casino on deck 4 while the moon menaces him romantically through a porthole]” –Jack Loves Comics

“The proper response to this question in the Funkyverse is ‘I have cancer.'” –Harold Jenkins, on Facebook

“I’ll forgive Spidey for his lack of knowledge on mammalia (though the ‘man’ part of ‘Spiderman’ belongs to this class). He should know just from occupational trivia that class insecta is distinctly different than class arachnid, though they both belong to phylum arthropoda. True, that’s a mouthful for a witty riposte when some villain calls him a ‘bug’, but he should know the difference. Doc Oc: ‘I’ll crush you like the bug you are!’ Spidey: ‘You’re a doctor, but did you know… [10 minutes later] See, octopuses are in class cephalopoda in phylum mollusca. It goes kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus species. But you’re right, it is considered rude to use the plural octopi.’” –Hogen the Mogen

“I don’t follow their continuity reboots that closely anymore, so I had no idea the most recent one merged Westview into the DC Universe. No wonder everyone hated it so much!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Bravo to Hi for learning that first world problems require first world passive-aggressiveness.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Hi and Lois also nods to contemporary life by making its office environment a bleak, featureless purgatory. Well, back to writing marketing copy!” –Steve S

“We’ve secretly replaced Esme’s cigarette with a road flare. Let’s see if she notices!” –Dmsilev

“What does Hi have against picnics? Does he think organizing one shouldn’t be part of his job as Business-Suited Laptop Guy? Did Yogi Bear hit on Lois the last time they vacationed at Jellystone Park? Whatever the reason for Hi’s downward spiral, by the time he puts this event together two months from now, I think we can expect the bug juice to be heavily spiked with Smirnoff.” –BigTed

“Now we see what happens without the Thin Grey Line of Mary’s meddling — a quick and ugly reversion to the state of nature. I know you’re on vacation, Mary (and it’s after 8:30 pm), but won’t you please give pithy advice about something that’s none of your business just this one time?” –Adam Menendez

“I don’t know what Chicken Lady’s problem is. That’s a normal-size cup of coffee; he is a dog.” –Dog

“This is quite the twist. Will locked-in-bathroom wife now be locked-in-brig wife? Where the currency is, ironically, cigarettes?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Considering how pro-cruise this storyline was at the outset, I anticipate a speedy rescue of Esme and much exposition by Mary about how really really really safe sea travel is and how hardly anyone takes cruises to kill themselves or their spouses or their spouses’ lovers.” –Lorne

“Yep, since it’s raining there’s no way for them to kill us n[is repeatedly stabbed]” –pugfuggly

“For pity’s sake, Poulet, now is your chance. The Legion has fallen, the fort’s aflame, the Front de Libération Nationale forces are upon you. Go out like a man, pull out your pistol, aim low, and smear Crock’s brains across the sand. Then, and only then, can you go to your God like a soldier.” –Voshkod

“So, you see, Cherry, ‘dead end‘ is sort of a pun — a play on words, if you will — because the driver of the truck died. That’s why I said it.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Oh, okay. Now, I get why Mary is so thrilled about cruises. In addition to the food, activities, and ports of call, there’s also the incredible God-like power you feel as you hold another human’s life in your hands.” –Dread

“KATIE: Folks, we’ve had a lot of fun here today, but you know what’s not fun? [turns cap backwards, straddles chair] Murdering women for adultery.” –Dan

“What? No description of how the cliffs were formed through centuries of erosion? And are they limestone? Sandstone? Dammit, man, I need details! Details!” –Joe Blevins

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