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Xenarthra also includes sloths. Maybe the armadilloid will see our lackadaisical hero as more kin than food.” –Perky Bird

Your runners up: here!

“Hi got stuck in a dead-end job complete with a private window office in a downtown corporate center. By this point in his life he had always assumed he’d be perched atop a throne made from his enemy’s skulls watching the flames consume their civilization like broken up palates in a backyard firepit. Alas.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Behind Holly’s shoulder, a member of the audience is apparently congratulating the actress who plays L’il Mama by … rubbing her scalp? Is this a strange tradition at this hippy-dippy performing arts school, or is it a weird way that folks in this community have of displaying affection? Or are we finally getting to the real medical drama in this story arc, which is an infestation of head lice? I have no idea what is going on here, other than that it is more interesting than the relationship between Niki and Kelly, of course.” –seismic-2

“Happy Coddle Hi’s Fragile Male Ego Day!” –TheDiva

“[Cut to Derek, mouth stuffed with cigarettes like a hole plugged with pipecleaners, obstinately playing the slots in the casino on deck 4 while the moon menaces him romantically through a porthole]” –Jack Loves Comics

“The proper response to this question in the Funkyverse is ‘I have cancer.'” –Harold Jenkins, on Facebook

“I’ll forgive Spidey for his lack of knowledge on mammalia (though the ‘man’ part of ‘Spiderman’ belongs to this class). He should know just from occupational trivia that class insecta is distinctly different than class arachnid, though they both belong to phylum arthropoda. True, that’s a mouthful for a witty riposte when some villain calls him a ‘bug’, but he should know the difference. Doc Oc: ‘I’ll crush you like the bug you are!’ Spidey: ‘You’re a doctor, but did you know… [10 minutes later] See, octopuses are in class cephalopoda in phylum mollusca. It goes kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus species. But you’re right, it is considered rude to use the plural octopi.’” –Hogen the Mogen

“I don’t follow their continuity reboots that closely anymore, so I had no idea the most recent one merged Westview into the DC Universe. No wonder everyone hated it so much!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Bravo to Hi for learning that first world problems require first world passive-aggressiveness.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Hi and Lois also nods to contemporary life by making its office environment a bleak, featureless purgatory. Well, back to writing marketing copy!” –Steve S

“We’ve secretly replaced Esme’s cigarette with a road flare. Let’s see if she notices!” –Dmsilev

“What does Hi have against picnics? Does he think organizing one shouldn’t be part of his job as Business-Suited Laptop Guy? Did Yogi Bear hit on Lois the last time they vacationed at Jellystone Park? Whatever the reason for Hi’s downward spiral, by the time he puts this event together two months from now, I think we can expect the bug juice to be heavily spiked with Smirnoff.” –BigTed

“Now we see what happens without the Thin Grey Line of Mary’s meddling — a quick and ugly reversion to the state of nature. I know you’re on vacation, Mary (and it’s after 8:30 pm), but won’t you please give pithy advice about something that’s none of your business just this one time?” –Adam Menendez

“I don’t know what Chicken Lady’s problem is. That’s a normal-size cup of coffee; he is a dog.” –Dog

“This is quite the twist. Will locked-in-bathroom wife now be locked-in-brig wife? Where the currency is, ironically, cigarettes?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Considering how pro-cruise this storyline was at the outset, I anticipate a speedy rescue of Esme and much exposition by Mary about how really really really safe sea travel is and how hardly anyone takes cruises to kill themselves or their spouses or their spouses’ lovers.” –Lorne

“Yep, since it’s raining there’s no way for them to kill us n[is repeatedly stabbed]” –pugfuggly

“For pity’s sake, Poulet, now is your chance. The Legion has fallen, the fort’s aflame, the Front de Libération Nationale forces are upon you. Go out like a man, pull out your pistol, aim low, and smear Crock’s brains across the sand. Then, and only then, can you go to your God like a soldier.” –Voshkod

“So, you see, Cherry, ‘dead end‘ is sort of a pun — a play on words, if you will — because the driver of the truck died. That’s why I said it.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Oh, okay. Now, I get why Mary is so thrilled about cruises. In addition to the food, activities, and ports of call, there’s also the incredible God-like power you feel as you hold another human’s life in your hands.” –Dread

“KATIE: Folks, we’ve had a lot of fun here today, but you know what’s not fun? [turns cap backwards, straddles chair] Murdering women for adultery.” –Dan

“What? No description of how the cliffs were formed through centuries of erosion? And are they limestone? Sandstone? Dammit, man, I need details! Details!” –Joe Blevins

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Mark Trail, 6/23/17

“We eventually located the GPS unit, but it had been attached to a 1960 281 series tanker truck, which we found at the base of a cliff. It was apparently involved in an accident with a car and ran off the cliff — destroying the truck! Those Peterbilt 281’s were real solid trucks, and with a Cummins NTC 350 horsepower small cam engine under hood — well, lemme tell you, they don’t make ’em like that anymore. Steel frames, too. Still, the cliff drop was too much. Damn shame. What’s that? Oh, yeah, there was some organic matter smeared all over the inside of the cab, guess it was all that was left of the driver or whatever. But back to the truck. That model actually has three different axles, all made by Rockwell Parts…”

Mary Worth, 6/23/17

“This cruise ship is afraid of me … I have seen its true face. The lido decks are extended gutters and the gutters are full of cigarette butts and when the drains finally fill up like an ashtray, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and violations of cruise company employment regulations will foam up about their waists and all the whores and onboard entertainers will look up and shout ‘Save us!’… and I’ll look down and whisper ‘No.’”

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Crock, 6/22/17

I like the black smoke rising in the background of the strip; it implies that Poulet’s defeat has had devastating consequences, but gives you room to fill in the blanks about their exact nature. Has some Algerian village been reduced to a smoldering ruin by insurgents because the inhabitants were too accommodating to the foreign occupiers who, when it came down to it, were unable to protect them? Was the Legion’s fort overrun by rebels and burned to the ground as a hated symbol of French authority? Are Crock and Poulet standing on the quay in Algiers or Oran, awaiting the boat that will evacuate them to the métropole, watching the city burn in an orgy of retaliatory violence as colonial rule collapses into a nightmarish power vacuum? “I wish life had a backspace key!” Poulet quips, referring to 130 years of brutal conquest and exploitation.

Mary Worth, 6/22/17

Haha, whoops, looks like I was wrong and it’s Esme who’s going to be tumbling into the wine-dark sea, never to be seen again. This happened because the ship lurched, so Katie didn’t even have to make a choice or feel morally responsible! Remember, kids, smoking is bad, and so is attempted adultery, and so is violating workplace regulations about sexual relationships with customers. If you do any of those things, you’ll drown, probably!

Family Circus, 6/22/17

Are you asking if Big Daddy Keane has noticed that the forward progression of time has ground to a halt, and that he’s doomed to live an eternity with his children never aging, never growing up and leaving the house, just hanging around and saying the darndest things, forever? Look at his face; I’m pretty sure he’s noticed.

Hagar the Horrible, 6/22/17

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lucky Eddy thought he was going to die in agony, so he pissed himself!