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Crock, 3/25/17

Look, I get it. The scenario outlined here — one in which a developed nation makes the unfathomable decision to send children to serve as soldiers in an endless colonial war, to watch innocence vanish as these young people, who ought to be at school or under their parents’ tutelage, kill and die and become something broken — is utterly hilarious. So, why not make the same joke twice in four months? Thousands of people boisterously laughing at the image of freckle-faced 12-year-olds stumbling into an ambush and desperately bayoneting Algerian guerillas to survive can’t be wrong!

Hi and Lois, 3/25/17

How much do I love Lois’s sour face here? Lois doesn’t want to get to this party on time. Lois doesn’t want to get to this party, period. Lois has never wanted anything less in her entire life.

Beetle Bailey, 3/25/17

Wow, I didn’t think I’d have to add “necks” to the list of things that the staff of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC occasionally forgets how to draw, but thanks to panel one, I guess I do!

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“I know we live in a time where rural and urban Americans’ views have never been further apart, but I think we can all agree that a medical practice staff is no place to celebrate adorable dingbats. Our shared history suggests the place where we should celebrate them is on the production lines of the confectionery manufacturing industry.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“Sarah is pleased. She will be set loose among a horde of middle-class children — so much easier to control than the spoiled residents of Welton, and so much smarter! They will make ideal minions, and come the revolution they will wear her uniform!” –Droopy Says

Marvin belies the notion of a philosophical absolute as even Gandhi can be moved to punch a baby.” –Hibbleton

“I’m just annoyed that Angry Bear is wearing a safety helmet but not steel-toed work boots! You think fur and toe pads are going to protect you from saw accidents or falling debris? Where is Animal OSHA on this?” –pugfuggly

“My daughters would recount middle-school conversations using the ‘on fleek’ phrase about four years ago. So it’s working its way up the pop culture landscape. Next stop: bingo night at St. Anthony’s.” –Rusty

“I hope these bears understand the concept of modern forestry management or soon they’ll have no place to shit.” –Mikey

“Of course, gender stereotypes are enforced. The girl has a pink shirt, the boy’s is blue. The baby wears a yellow onesie because gender characteristics have not developed yet. And Billy did not even bring a shirt to the office because Billy don’t wear no shirt, motherfucker.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Jeffy is surveying his Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage as if he were an inmate judging a new prison tat. Now if anyone messes with him, the entire Johnson & Johnson line of products has his back.” –Drew Funk

“To be fair to Dr. Jeff, I’ve had a bad case of Plot Device Knee before. It really hurts.” –boojum

“The chipmunk was taxidermied, then placed back into the wild. Nothing sinister happening here, friends! Not a cruel science experiment. Merely that thing I just described.” –Victor Von

CHIPSTERMUNK” –Truckosaurus

“Suddenly she realized she had blurted it out — she was the Office Mangler, the serial killer hunted throughout Gasoline Alley for her long series of horrible murders involving office supplies. The three-hole punch in her hand grew warm.” –Voshkod

“This story arc is just setting us up for the point where Little Otis shaves his head and starts feasting on animal carcasses which, I have to admit, I’m looking forward to.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I actually think that rocking chair is pretty menacing on the part of Dennis’ parents. You just know that sooner or later he’s going to get restless enough to bash his head into the wall.” –BigTed

“The lady in Crankshaft is frantically texting for help.” –Pozzo

“Pluggers keep watching NCIS until they find a murder method they can get away with.” –Sequitur

“Is that yet another new plugger couple? Isn’t ‘not liking new things’ sort of the essence of pluggerhood? Is Pluggers in some kind of crisis?” –Uncle Lumpy

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Beetle Bailey, 3/24/17

I can’t stop looking at that weird little gadget (?) propped awkwardly on Killer’s pillow in panel one. It’s like someone drawing this realized that “uh, probably military hospitals use, like, advanced medical technology now???” but wasn’t sure what exactly that might entail, so rather than just draw a groggy-soldier on a cot, they drew a groggy soldier on a cot with a cell-phone-sized black box hanging off the side of his pillow, like maybe it’s clipped on, I dunno. And it’s recording his … heartbeat or blood pressure, even though it’s not connected to him at all? Or his breathing? Maybe his breathing? All this high-tech business really gets in the way of a solid gag about how Killer’s “illness” is that he’d rather be on the beach, gambling and looking at tits.

Crankshaft, 3/24/17

Ha ha, yes, this is just another in an endless, soul-crushingly eternal series of “Crankshaft says the darndest things” gags, but wouldn’t it be great if some lady did give Ed a Trojan hearse for Christmas? Like, you know, a big black car with space in the back for a coffin, and Crankshaft accepts it thinking it’s an offering to the gods and brings it inside his walled fortress, but inside are dozens of hidden Achaean warriors, who emerge at night and wreak terrible destruction. I’d like to see this storyline depicted over a period of six to eight weeks, with particular focus on the lamentations.

Pluggers, 3/24/17

Welp, the bedroom eyes the she-plugger is flashing here seems to confirm something hinted at earlier: NCIS has such high ratings among the plugger set because it’s a Pavlovian sex trigger. Nobody actually watches it.