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It’s Friday? And that means it’s COTW time? You know it’s COTW time.

“Dr. Jeff notices Mary eating her dessert with a canapé fork and immediately calls 911 after disconnecting. ‘Hurry! She’s nuts I tell ya!’” –Hibbleton

And you know it’s runners up time too! All good stuff!

“It was the least we could do — literally! Now, we’ll need to see a doctor’s note before we’ll come within 50 feet of you again. Love you, Mary!” –MKay

“Well, of course there are five clams in Santa hats! Good God, man, don’t you ever read the Bible?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Floppy-haired semi-sleeveless T-shirt dude looks so sad about the proceedings. Turn that frown upside down! You haven’t yet been stabbed or bitten!” –matt w

“I don’t mean to downplay the emotional importance of Lois’ story, but Hi’s interest in the football game does have more material importance to the family and its future, at least if I am correctly reading his baggy-eyed expression as a sign he bet the next six months of mortgage payments on a prop bet for Broncos’ kicker Wil Lutz making this field goal.” –Philip

“Oops, looks like Snuffy tripped over his dog and fell right onto his Roland TR-909 drum machine. Who knew that Hilly Billy House was so big in Hootin Holler?” –pugfuggly

“Sent my mind down an absurd rabbit hole imagining an article in the future about how most readers don’t know why Mary Worth is called that since the original cast hasn’t been seen in decades, after it became about Wilbur falling into a sinkhole to Hollow Earth, unable to return.” –Jake Nelson, on Twitter

“I fail to see the irony. Beetle’s ancestors came over because of a potato famine, and it worked! Now Beetle has more potatoes than in the dreams of Olwen! If Beetle were lining up to buy fries from Killer at $25 an ounce, now that would be ironic.” –White Rabbit

“I’m extremely grateful for that bottom caption in Alice that clears things up after Alice’s reply, ‘Just don’t tell Mr. Bossman.’ For a second there, I was going to tell Mr. Bossman! Thanks, caption at the bottom!” –Chance

“In the first panel, this is just a harmless prank. In the second panel, the handle from the trashcan lid and the steering wheel from the truck have both been removed, so the trashman can neither defend himself nor escape.” –jroggs

Mr. Bossman is the perfect nemesis of modern women, since he incarnates the authoritarian and hierarchical power of both capitalism and patriarchy. Believe me, it makes sense if you know Jungian archetypes! Or if you smoke the good stuff.” –Ettorre

“I haven’t read Alice before, I like the whole general vibe of her skull. It’s like when a comic book character has fire instead of hair, then an action figure designer has to figure out how the hell you do that, and the result is, like … mostly a head? You can call that a head, sure. You can tell the colorist is doing their best.” –Dan

“I thought the internet was killing print newspapers but only printing two pages, one of which is nothing but headline? That ain’t helping.” –Tabby Lavalamp

Get in Gerard’s head. As soon as the ball is snapped, run full steam towards the Goshen sidelines and give that POS coach a concussion!” –seismic-2

“Gil’s idea of psychological mind-games is apparently just doing regular coach stuff, which probably explains why he’s so terrible at both coaching and psyching out the enemy.” –ectojazzmage

“For a moment, I thought the first word was ‘Merde!’, which opened up the potentialities of an intriguing new world of French intellectualist cynicism for Rex Morgan, M.D. [sighs] For a moment.” –odinthor

Chip must have been the easiest baby to raise ever. ‘Just stop crying!’ ‘[sigh] Okay.’” –Joe Blevins

“Just wait until he finds out The Ghost Who Drinks is lactose intolerant. A pint of that milk stout and the Phantom will be launching gas attacks for hours.” –teenchy

“‘I know what I did was stupid’ should replace ‘This serial comic strip … features a no-nonsense, upstanding lawyer who stoically handles drama inside and outside of the courtroom’ as the syndicate’s official Judge Parker synopsis.” –Where’s Rocky?

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Judge Parker, 12/6/24

Oh, yeah, my prediction that Judge Parker Senior has his fugitive daughter Anne living in his basement turned out to be correct, much to Randy’s disgust. You see, by now being let onto this secret, Randy must, according to the Laws of Nuptials, inform his wife of his father’s misdeed. His wife. You know, the amoral CIA assassin who loves to kill? I think she’ll be fine with a little fugitive-hiding, actually. Anyway we also learned earlier this week that Anne has to sneak upstairs at night to go pee, which I think is the most problematic thing going on here quite frankly.

The Phantom, 12/6/24

Oh, also, it turns out that Diana has stumbled upon not just one guy who got punched out by the Phantom, but a whole subculture of guys who got punched out by the Phantom, and a new getting-punched-out-by-The-Phantom pub that’s opening up to celebrate the Phantom-punchee lifestyle. Her husband’s flown in to enjoy the proceedings incognito, and honestly, I think that’s great for him. All these having-been-punched guys seem like real delights now, and the Ghost-Who-Punches-And-Who-Punched-These-Guys-Specifically deserves to see how his particular brand of restorative justice punching transforms lives.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/6/24

Oh, also also, Merle is continuing to bleed out on the sidewalk of his suburban subdivision. Maybe the ambulance is going to get there in time, maybe not! Just thought you’d like to know what’s going on (what’s going on is bleeding).

Hi and Lois, 12/6/24

Your parents telling you no is supposed to give you something to aspire to or rebel against; but to Chip, it’s just a sign that he’s destined to be a non-motorcyclist forever due to family law, or possibly genetics. True loser behavior!

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Crock, 12/5/24

If these two guys have names, I don’t know what they are — the Wikipedia Crock article just calls them “the men of Outpost 5,” and they don’t merit a mention on the official King Features Crock character list — but their deal basically is that the guy on the right is always reading letters aloud about life in his hillbilly home town back in France (?). Anyway, I find today’s bit actually kind of heartening. The guy on the left generally looks uninterested during these recitations, but it’s clear he’s been paying attention. He knows the lore!

Gil Thorp, 12/5/24

“Coach, let me rephrase that. It’s cool that you decided to come back from your extended sick leave and all, but I get the feeling you’re only doing it to engage in psychological gamesmanship against your hated rival and not because you’re interested in molding a new generation of student-athletes or anything like that. I’m just a teenager who wants to play football! I don’t think I should be going out there! I’m not equipped for the emotional complexity of this whole scene!”

Gearhead Gertie, 12/5/24

Some might say that having two near-identical drawings in this cartoon is “lazy,” but I think it really hammers home Gertie’s emotional state. Her beloved NASCAR is in danger due to internal conflict, and she’s not exactly sure who to blame or how it’s going to end — maybe if she stays very still and just vaguely shit-talks the legal system, everything will work out for the best.