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Luann, 9/24/26

Hey, remember how Toni got pregnant, as a result of shower sex with Brad? Probably you’ve been trying to purge that information from your mind, but tough shit, I’m telling you about the current Luann storyline so you have to get into the right headspace by recalling all the backstory. Anyway, Brad and Toni told the whole family and friend group about this blessed event, and they’re being as normal about it as you can expect. If you want to be normal about it, you can visit Luann Fan dot com, where you can vote on whether you want Brad and Toni to find out if it’s a boy, find out if it’s a girl, or, somewhat confusingly, wait to find out — in other words, you’re not actually taking a guess about the gender of their future child, but rather taking a guess about their experience of learning the gender, or, alternately, of forgoing the opportunity to do so.

The voting is via a janky looking Google Form, and you have to kind of respect that the Luann creative team went this route rather than, say, partnering with Kalshi to provide the opportunity to bet on buy a futures contract about what and if Brad and Toni would learn about their baby’s genital configuration, with the help of a trusted CFTC-regulated futures market partner. I guess they’re happy with the other revenue opportunities the Luann Fan dot com website generates, like the upcoming sale of Books One and Two of The Saga of Brad and Toni. Order now if you hate yourself and hate life!

Dustin, 9/24/26

Do you think this little girl knows that Dustin is an adult? Sorry, I know I should be focused on the bigger picture here, which is that this strip is unpleasantly transposing the “attractive, supercilious woman treats a hapless man with contempt” bit it loves to do with Dustin at fern bars onto children; but I’m just really hung up on the question of whether the girl knows that the neighbor kid here is friends with a grown-ass man in his twenties, or if she thinks this advice he’s relaying secondhand came from another child.

Mary Worth, 9/24/26

Sorry to not keep you up to date on what’s been happening in Mary Worth, but all that’s been happening in Mary Worth has been Nelly telling everyone about all the time Mary and Ian have been spending together, or other people telling each other what they’ve heard from Nelly. This has been going on for, like, a while, but she’s really going at it with dogged determination. Are you hearing impaired? Don’t think she’s going to withhold this information from you; she’s happy to yell it as loudly as necessary.

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Alice, 9/23/26

Faithful readers know that one of my favorite bits of Alice is the little … caption? extra text? … at the bottom, and its role in the narrative of each strip. Like today, you’re probably wondering: does it mean that Alice’s boyfriend is going to be doing all the driving again? Maybe she can take the bus or an Uber sometimes! Well, no: it turns out that it does mean that. The caption has spoken!

The Lockhorns, 9/23/26

The smile I can accept, but I’m really concerned with whatever Leroy is doing with the non-face parts of his body here. He’s … strutting? Dancing? It’s off-putting. Borderline grotesque. Knock it off, Leroy.

Beetle Bailey, 9/23/26

“What, the kids today can’t get horny from a drawing of a stacked blonde in a little black dress anymore? Huh? What is it that they want? Foot stuff? They like feet? Sexy lady feet, is that what they like? Fine, I guess we’ll give ’em feet.” –The Beetle Bailey division of Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, apparently unaware that the way they draw fingers and toes is actually quite repellent

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/22/26

OK, fine, just a day after my haughty pronouncement that I was too good for a storyline about “Horrible” Hank Harwood Senior doing some commissions, Rex Morgan, M.D., proves that it’s “still got it” and sucks me back in with a philosophical conundrum. Yes, it is true that not performing labor is enjoyable. But have you considered that labor can be exchanged for money, which serves as a store of value and can be exchanged in turn for other goods and services, many of which also spark enjoyment? Much to consider! Plus you don’t want Buck getting on your case! Ideally you’d like to spend as little time interacting with Buck as possible!

Crankshaft, 9/22/26

Now, call me a bleeding heart, but I don’t think making sidewalks less accessible represents a good use of the limited money available for streetscape improvements. I can sort of see the logic of doing it in Crankshaft’s neighborhood specifically — he’s dangerous and must be contained but he’s also old — but we’ve seen no indication that he really has much by way of mobility issues and anyway they keep letting him drive against all common sense, so you’re just making things more difficult for the disabled and anyone pushing a stroller or shopping cart for no benefit. Also they are making lovably evil pizza robot Oni Crankshaft’s sidekick or whatever, troubling!