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Spider-Man, 8/20/17

One of the great running gags of superhero comics is that it should be much, much easier for in-universe characters to figure out a superhero’s secret identity than it ever turns out to be. There are a host of reasons why the “secret” is always obvious — they’re never in the same place at the same time, their voices are identical, people look more or less the same whether they’re wearing glasses or not, etc. — but in our current case, it’s because Spider-Man and Peter Parker are pretty much the exact same kind of dick. Like, if my wizened aunt was about to finally wed her longtime beau and a giant tentacle erupted form the earth to attack the wedding party, I might be more inclined to shout “run!” or “oh no!” rather than “whoa, déjà vu much???” But that’s just how Peter Parker and Spider-Man play it.

Meanwhile, speaking of dicks, I had assumed last week that Tyrannus was shushing his army of fetish-gimps as they prepared to board some form of burrowing transport and head for the earth’s surface for wedding-ruining and subsequent conquest. But nope, it turns out this is all being down remotely, and he just wanted an audience as he gloated and pulled the big lever marked “TENTACLE.”

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/20/17

This throwaway-panel scene from Hootin’ Holler reminds all of us flatlanders that we should appreciate our infrastructure privilege.

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Mary Worth, 8/19/17

HOW TO CONVINCE A GAL TO DO SEX WITH YOU:

1. Give responses that indicate that you’ve listened to at least the last couple of sentences she’s said. Example:

DAWN: It was difficult integrating my relationships with both of my parents, what with them living so far apart.

DR. NED: [PROCESSING DATASET: “CONNECTICUT”, “SANTA ROYALE”] Yes, it certainly is enriching to have lived in two widely separated locations!

2. Block her means of egress, initiate simultaneous physical and eye contact, and remind her that you remember what her name is. Example:

DR. NED: [SCANNING MEMORY: WHAT IS THIS ONE CALLED AGAIN?] Dawn…

Beetle Bailey, 8/19/17

Beetle is the victim of unrelenting physical abuse, and the church is only willing to do lip service when it comes to protecting him from harm.

Blondie, 8/19/17

“[enters staring at iPad] Ever use mobile apps, Mr. B?”: What an old person thinks a young person is like.

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Well heck, it’s Friday, so let’s have a comment of the week!

“This is a wonderful way to include the children in the strip. Keep them very small and blurry in the distance so we readers can occasionally be reminded that they exist without ever having to actually [shudder] look at them.” –Poteet

Let’s have some great runners up too!

“I Know What You Did To Last Summer” –Anne Elisabeth Dillon, on Facebook

“The good news is if they do accidentally wake her up they still have a fairly sizable window to get the troops to the surface before she tries to intervene. Just that headdress must take an hour to get on, at the inside.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“In midair, Peter Parker’s body springs back to its natural shape, that of someone lying back on the bed and craning his head up to look at the TV.” –matt w

“Wish I could concentrate on the words in this strip but I keep going back to that toffee-colored steak in the first panel that seems pliable enough to be stabbed with a spatula. Is that like grade-D meat, or are they fixing Jaquan’s knee just by feeding him hunks of colagen…?” –pugfuggly

Skateboarding is too dangerous! Not like pro football, where modern rules and advanced safety gear leave players in perfect physical and mental condition to enjoy their retirement and golden years after many productive seasons! [quietly accepts three briefcases of cash from Roger Goodell]” –Dragon of Life

“He thought it was one of those ‘craft’ lemonades, an imperial stout, aged in oak barrels.” –Hogen the Mogen

“…Because it’s great. I know you’re wondering, ‘why does Ed have a bottle of coyote urine?‘ and ‘why is he holding a trowel, what does that have to do with what he’s saying?’ but really, my bottle of coyote urine: top-shelf, if any of you want to come and see. Jeff, what are you doing drinking my glass of liquid diarrhea?” –Jack Loves Comics

“Sometimes I’ll head to a bar after work, my backpack with me, my laptop inside. With it there, even while I’m drinking and talking and trying to have a good time, my work is also with me, and since I need to keep tabs on my backpack while I’m out, I’m reminded of my work. I’d leave it in my car, but I take mass transit to and from work, and it’s better that I don’t drink and drive, anyway. So I know just how that headsman feels. Sort of. I mean, the reason I take my work laptop home is that sometimes I have to do work from home, which I don’t enjoy. Why does he need to take his axe home with him? Does he do work from home, too? If so, that guy really needs to talk to someone about maintaining work/life balance. Small wonder he looks so distraught.” –Larry McAwful

“Letters is so scarce, we hasta mostly use ’postrophes!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Boy that was rough — not exactly as Mark and I planned it.‘ *gasp* James Allen has been reading my Mark Trail slashfic!” –Truckosaurus

“His left shirttail is propped open.” –nescio

“‘I’m sure Pete will find something interests him.‘ Pete: ‘Hey, is that a clipboard?’” –Pozzo

“You know, you might want to consider having Johnny buried with you, like a pharaoh’s servants or something. Just throwing that out there.” –Doctor Handsome

“General Halftrack passed the mandatory retirement age a decade ago but his subordinates haven’t found it necessary to tell him as long as he’s content to play golf instead of trying to start a war or something.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Does anyone remember how long it’s been since this strip hanged one of its characters? Me neither, so carry on, I say!” –seismic-2

“I’m impressed the last panel is not the same one as the strip from a month ago which also has Halftrack and the Major out golfing, yet the General’s golfing outfit is almost identical. It’s that attention to detail that keeps this feature at the top of aaahahahaha I can’t finish that sentence ahahahaha” –Ekudamram

“The restaurant’s staff — knowing that one of the diners is a Weston — is busily preparing the mayonnaise cart.” –Dood

“…and as a doctor, I have to ask before it becomes a problem: you have other blouses to wear, don’t you? Wearing the same thing over and over is bad for your skin.” –Kevin On Earth

Le Chien d’Amour sounds like it should be the name of some unspeakably filthy sex act. Knowing this strip, it’s probably a euphemism for petting a puppy until it falls asleep.” –Drewbear

“I’m impressed that Pam is considering the impact of her father’s shenanigans on a macroeconomic scale. My only thought was, ‘Aw, I bet the lawn is dying under that pile of zucchinis.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘I appreciated the meal; the nutrients will provide much sustenance.’ ‘I wish to continue our exchange while performing the customary post-meal exercise.’ Oh boy, Dawn and Ned sure are about to engage in romantic coitus, am I right, fellow humans?” –Dan

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