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Mary Worth, 1/22/17

Hmm, some interesting mixed messages being sent by Mary Worth today. On the one hand, Dostoyevsky urges us to resist the urge to try to cater to popular opinion, implying we should follow our hearts, enjoying sexy times with hot younger dudes no matter how much our ex-ish-boyfriends’ daughters might disapprove. On the other hand, the final panel reveals that Iris is feeling some regrets, or at least has chosen to end the evening by settling into bed not with her sexy young lover, but rather a laptop with its browser pointed to www.giantpictureofwilburweston.com. Watch out, Zak!

Pluggers, 1/22/17

A grandpa plugger’s bucket list will never be completed … because they will never die, thanks to their awesome power of astromancy! THE BEAST-MAN WHO NAMES AND CONTROLS THE STARS IS THE BEAST-MAN WHO LIVES FOREVER, AS PROPHECY FORETOLD

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Slylock Fox, 1/21/17

These three scenes may look similar, but there’s one crucial difference. In numbers one and three, this snowman is merely a crude simulacrum of a man, the destruction of which is traumatizing not even to the children who fashioned it — even the birds and bunnies can tell this isn’t a real living thing. In number two, however, that’s a magic hat, which bestows the gift of sapience upon the wearer — but, crucially, does not fundamentally alter the snowman’s physical nature. The fully-formed mind called out of nonexistence by that enchanted haberdashery is now trapped, and silently screaming, in this unstable, dissolving shell.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/21/17

Haha, whoops, I had forgotten that Buck was the broker selling those smutty comic books Rex found under the floorboards in his attic. The characters in Judge Parker have experienced nothing but disaster and madness since longtime writer Woody Wilson handed over his strips to his successors, but in Rex Morgan, M.D., the Wilsonian tradition of the main characters occasionally being handed enormous checks due to no particular hard work or virtue on their part remains in full effect.

Gil Thorp, 1/21/17

Guys, have we considered that maybe he just kind of sucks? I think we should!

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Hey there! Would like a COTW? Of course you would! Here, enjoy:

“This is Molly, my girlfriend from Tilden! We met while we were both trying to get our hair to do this thing it’s doing.” –Ukulele Ike

And enjoy your runners up as well:

“…of PHONE CANCER.” –Applemask

“Slylock Fox encourages children to develop their reasoning and mental faculties. Max thinks that books are only good for sitting on.” –Ettorre

“We’re not properly appreciating the Funkiness here. This is an obvious three-panel joke; take panels 2, 5, and 7 and you have the misunderstanding, the overreaction, the ‘punchline,’ boom. Batiuk runs it on a Sunday so we can have five panels of Funky’s panicked despair and life-threatening driving on the ice. It’s like if you took every classic Peanuts and inserted four panels of Charlie Brown wordlessly crying.” –matt w

“He was probably afraid she cracked her head open on their recently installed stainless steel driveway.” –Super Luigi 64

“As much as the animals can emulate humanity’s clothes, writing and institutions, they still haven’t mastered the finer point of subjects like medicine. Internal injuries? Bandage to the head! Diabetic shock? Bandage to the head! Irrational distrust of the animal medical establishment? Bandage. To. The. Head.” –pugfuggly

“Isn’t this really the quintessential Spider-Man strip? A bottle episode where three popular Marvel characters, two of them supposed superheroes, bicker over who has to drive a car, nowhere near the action or even any interesting scenery.” –Steve S

“How did the dog crack his head due to a subway stopping short,? Does he mean that took a tumble while riding the subway when the brakes were applied too quickly? If so, does he regret having adopted the precarious upright nature of a biped?” –Rev Tardigrade

“‘Can you imagine a great artist like Monet having to cater to a bunch of idiot tourists? To my mind, there’s nothing quite as contemptible as a tourist. They’re the lowest form of life on earth. That being said, let’s continue with this tour.’” –Joe Blevins

“Under old artistic regime, Harlan looked like the sort of guy who’d explain the ‘facts of life’ in a grainy 70s filmstrip. Now, he looks like a Catalan bullfighter enjoying an evening off in la discoteca. Not sure which version I prefer, honestly.” –Schroduck

“The only thing that could make panel one even more perfect would be if one half of Harlan’s mustache were dangling in front of him, its glue loosened from sweating.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Why are you dating some hot guy instead of my dad? Okay, never mind, question withdrawn.” –Chyron HR

“Dawn’s entire outfit, from the off-black colors to the lite-bondage choker and studded leather wristband, suggests that for some reason they still have a Twilight collection in the juniors’ department at Kohl’s. Of course, when you’ve lived at Charterstone, you know all about emotional vampirism.” –BigTed

“Oh, that M. Night Shyamalan! He’s still got it.” –Aphthakid

“My joke was going to be based on how this plotline about everyone getting tired was also making me tired, but I scrapped that idea because I don’t want anyone to mistakenly think I’m feeling sympathetic towards any of these characters.” –Chareth Cutestory

“A tip for Buck: People normally just pay after they receive a product or service. You don’t have to convince the service provider that money is useful.” –A Concerned Reader

“Fortunately, Mark won’t be able to see the horrible comments as his UNIVAC doesn’t have internet access.” –Andrew

“Look how grim Mark looks when he brings up the Internet. He’s found a problem he can’t solve by punching someone in the face, and it is shaking his identity to the core.” –Drew Funk

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter, put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! I’m taking a moratorium on ad buys because we’re still tweaking the ad slots, but look for exciting ways you can advertise on this site come 2017!