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The Lockhorns, 6/30/25

You all know that I hold the Lockhorns in a great deal of affection, but I am not blind to the truth, which is that they are squat, gnome-like people whose skulls are — let’s be real — lumpy and misshapen. We allow for this because they are, of course, cartoons, but it’s also true that stylized cartoons of the Lockhorns’ ilk are only meant to be viewed from a limited set of angles: in a very real sense, they do not exist in a complete three-dimensional space like you or me. Leroy and Loretta specifically should not be viewed from what appears to be an in-store security camera pointing down from the ceiling of whatever sad local drug store they’ve stopped by in order to browse the get well cards. This point of view really makes quite clear the aforementioned misshapenness of their skulls, in a way that I don’t think any of us asked for.

Marvin, 6/30/25

Two beings trapped together in a miniature world just big enough for them, yet still participating in an economic system where one must be indebted to the other? This is a grim scenario that no water-themed pun can cover up!

Pluggers, 6/30/25

Before today I would’ve said the bar for “What constitutes a joke or bit of wordplay in Pluggers” was so low that no installment of the strip could possibly fail to clear it, but that was before today, when I was confronted with “Pluggers stop at all the neighborhood kids’ lemonade stands,” accompanied by a drawing of a plugger stopping at a lemonade stand. This maybe could’ve been salvaged by showing that the plugger in question was precariously holding multiple cups to emphasize the scope of his generosity and/or thirst, but real heads know that Rhino-Man absolutely cannot afford to do that.

Mary Worth, 6/30/25

Ha ha, can you imagine being as ignorant of all the twists and turns of Wilbur’s love life as Dr. Jeff? Probably feels great! Sure, Mary’s about to tell him about it in vivid detail, but he can just open up the throttle on his powerboat until the engine is loud enough to drown her out.

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Panel from The Lockhorns, 6/29/25

One of the great mysteries of The Lockhorns that haunts all of us Lockheads is the identity and nature of the non-Lockhorn people who make occasional appearances in the strip. They never have any dialogue, instead just staring dumbly at our title duo as they engage in their passive-aggressive antics, and generally are not, with the exception of a few medical professionals and Leroy’s bartender, recurring characters. And yet we must assume a certain degree of intimacy has somehow developed before we see the vignettes in which the strangers appear, because often they’re in the Lockhorn home! I suppose we can guess at what drives their interest in seeing the inner workings of this hell-couple’s dynamics. For instance, this lady no doubt wonders if the rumors are true: does this seemingly anti-intellectual downwardly mobile lower-middle-class suburbanite pair really enjoy playing chess at home? And does Leroy really lurch about in a grotesque parody of a victory dance when he wins? Still and all, now that her curiosity has been sated, the visitor won’t be back. For most people, a little of this goes a long way.

Mary Worth, 6/29/25

On the one hand, Wilbur’s glad Belle is once again being heavily medicated by her brother, who looks exactly like him but taller. On the other hand, he still wants to grab a last-minute ticket on Spirit Airlines and jet over to Florida and have sex with her. Is this normal, Mary??? Oh, wait, you’re saying it is normal? I, uh, did not expect that, and frankly don’t really like it.

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Mark Trail, 6/28/25

There’s a new Mark Trail adventure starting this week that appears to be about fairly straightforward environmental issues — poop in the swimming hole, I guess? — but I want to point out today’s strip because I love how tuff and mad about it Rusty’s little friend in the last panel looks. “Poop? In my swimming hole?” he thinks, striking a fierce pose that shows off his water wings. “Someone’s gonna get punched for this, I sure hope!”

Crankshaft, 6/28/25

Normally, if your dad returned from a trip to New York City singing a mangled version of one of the songs from the Broadway show he took in during his visit, that would be a good sign that he had a pretty good time. Not Crankshaft, though! We all know he’s incapable of joy. This just means that some sensory input got trapped in the malaprop center of his brain, irritating it — and, by extension, irritating him and everyone around him — further.

Dustin, 6/28/25

Ha ha, yes, Bon Jovi, the person who immediately comes to mind when a typical Zoomer like Dustin tries to summon up the name of a long-haired sex symbol! Now, it’s possible that Dustin picked Bon Jovi for this little rhetorical move specifically because he thought the man might appeal to his agèd mother, but keep in mind that (a) Slippery When Wet came out 39 years ago, so it’s fully possible for people with early-20s children to have been too young to get on the Bon Jovi train, and (b) Dustin obviously has never bothered to get to know his parents well enough to figure out what cultural figures from the past they might find attractive.