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Why not curl up at home and enjoy a nice comment of the week?

“Anticipating further declines in the traditional reader demographic of Mary Worth, King Features has cannily pivoted from catering to elderly widows to providing wish fulfillment narratives for incels. Look forward to the new ‘Dawn-chan is my Waifu’ line of promotional apparel!” –stepped pyramids

These runners up will soothe what ails you, in a non-medically-approved sense!

“The best part of this is the expression on the Dachshund’s face in the last panel. It says ‘Why must I be a party to these incomprehensible human dramas?’” –Peanut Gallery

“I love how Jared looks up into the sky pleadingly before he kisses Dawn. ‘Skywalker give me strength’ those eyes seem to implore.” –Lionheart

“I know this was written weeks if not months ago, but Rex Morgan hunkering down with some classic pulp fiction at a time when most doctors are coping with a global health emergency is so perfectly on brand.” –TheDiva

“I was going to say ‘Maybe I’m an old fogey but are there any touchscreen devices that hang up in that kind of position,’ and then I went ‘oh duh, smart this or that devices connected to the internet of things,’ and then I googled ‘touch screen’+microwave and got six million hits, so I’ve flipped from not understanding this strip one way to not understanding this strip in the completely opposite way.” –matt w

“C’mon Ed — I’ve never seen you at a loss for a comeback. How about: ‘NPR — what’s that, Nazi Pinko Radio?’ You can have that one for free, just to get you back on your feet.” –Pozzo

“Leave Katharine Hepburn alone! She’s obviously in seclusion while she waits for that terrible dye job to grow out.” –Peanut Gallery

“Speaking of difficult new realities in the face of a horrifying pandemic, Dawn could really learn to practice some better social distancing. Not so much for health reasons as much as so she stops falling wildly in love with every man she briefly interacts with.” –jroggs

“The real menace here is that there are no adults around while these kids aren’t just gobbling up fast food but have also raided the pantry. It’s tempting to think Dennis has finally succeeded and overthrown all authority, creating a child-based society, with Mr. Wilson’s head on a stick at the entry gates serving as a warning to all potential invaders, but the grim reality is probably just that Dennis and Joey found Mr. Wilson’s edibles and are high as fucking kites.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Since his mouth is full, Dagwood makes the ‘heart’ symbol to let Blondie know that it is his aorta that is currently in distress from that enormous meal he’s eating. When he stuffs himself with sweets, he expresses his discomfort by making the ‘pancreas’ symbol. And you do not want to see the symbol he makes when he’s eating too many bran muffins.” –seismic-2

“You know, if I was a criminal with an incurable shaking problem, I would probably avoid scams that involve trying to discretely get away with glass jars filled with coins.” –pugfuggly

“See Greg’s face in panel four? That’s the look of a man who suddenly realizes that his core beliefs come from a book filled with pages he ‘seldom reads.’ Curtis thinks his dad is unyielding to his shameless appeals now, but once Greg starts quoting Hitchens and agreeing with Marx’s assertion that religion is the opium of the masses, he’ll only have himself to blame.” –Mighty Sean Young

“As someone who was on track to become a member of the clergy, let me give you some advice, Curtis. Just say ‘Leviticus’ or ‘Deuteronomy.’ Even if someone has a bible handy to fact check you, they’ll give up right around the fourth time God explains how he wants the curtains in his tent made or what parts of an animal he wants burned on which altar.” –Dread

“The way Chris points, I feel like he’s accusing Alexa of something. ‘I think you two will hit it off! Won’t you? WON’T YOU?! Don’t deny it!’” –JJ48

“First of all, there’s no way a penguin’s foot would fit into those vegan Nikes. And even if they did, bare feet are essential in helping penguins maintain a proper body temperature — a padded shoe would cause dangerous overheating. So, basically, that polar bear is doing his penguin friend a favor, by making sure his desire to look like all the cool kids doesn’t end up getting him hurt. It’s practically an Afterschool Special!” –BigTed

“When the Funkyverse isn’t revolving around its characters writing novels, it revolves around its characters writing comic books. Or movies based on said novels and comics books. In the smuggest, most pretentious way possible. Man I miss cancer.” –The Dimensional Otter

Where did the idea for this book come from? Are you an empiricist, who believes that the mind is a tabula rasa working with sensory data taken from the outside world? Are you a Platonist, who believes the immortal soul has already seen the eternal ideas in the Hyperuranion and learning is just remembering? The public craves to know your stance on epistemology!” –Ettorre

“I understand lead times in newspaper comics mean this is from the Before Times, but I’m having a hard time imagining being so excited someone brought something in from the outside world that isn’t toilet paper or pasta.” –Biiirdmaaan!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/20

My Uncle Bob is a bassist who currently plays in a blues band called Bottleneck Bob, but back in the late ’70s and early ’80s he was part of a New York new wave band with Demi Moore’s first husband called the Dates that played at CBGB a few times. Anyway, once in the late ’80s, after he had moved to San Francisco, we were visiting him and watching MTV and I declared that songs with drum machines “didn’t have any soul,” expecting it would be the sort of musical sentiment he would agree with, and he replied, “One thing about a drum machine is that it never misses rehearsal because it’s hungover.” What I’m trying to say is that I’m honestly impressed by how Rex Morgan, M.D.’s country roots country guitarist has found the least edgy reason to be glad to be rid of his drummer that I can possibly imagine.

Crankshaft, 3/27/20

Wow, this whole Crankshaft arc has been a real paean to the importance of the traditional media: That podcaster just asked Lillian a bunch of softball questions, while NPR’s hard-hitting reporter has immediately realized that Lillian is in fact the person who murdered all those people who came into her bookstore.

Hi and Lois, 3/27/20

Boy, this comic sure makes Dot and Ditto look like real pieces of shit who don’t care about their father’s love, doesn’t it?

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Gil Thorp, 3/26/20

Hey, remember Gil Thorp? Comic about teen sports? Usually pretty reliably nutty? This basketball season plot, about how Chris and Alexa are both basketball players and also only a fraction of a GPA point away from one another in the race for valedictorian, has been so boring that I haven’t talked about it in a month, so here, let me catch you up: the mean bullies who have it in for Chris tried to trick him into studying off a stolen chem test, but Chris didn’t use the stolen test and Alexa exonerated him, and it turns out they only had it in for him because Chris had ignored one of the mean bullies being bullied, three years ago, and anyway Chris had already told the administration that he wanted to be co-valedictorians with Alexa before all this happened. And that’s it! Everything’s fine! Everything’s fine and all drama is over. Except: Chris’s girlfriend from another school is about to make an appearance! Will she hit it off with Alexa, or possibly Phoebe? Does she exist at all? Is she just part of Chris’s long-running lie that he “has a girlfriend” but she “goes to Mercy, in Goshen” and everyone will meet her at his “end-of-season party” and now he’s finally going to run out of room to continue the charade? Why hasn’t this been the engine of the plot for the entire basketball season instead of this extremely dull valedictorian business?

Arctic Circle, 3/26/20

My read on this strip is that the penguins of Arctic Circle and the polar bears of Arctic Circle are friends, but what if they aren’t? I can’t stop thinking about the (I assume polar bear?) hand/paw reaching in from the left of panel three. I really adds to the sense that these polar bears, being obligate carnivores, are about to follow up their unsatisfying vegan shoe snack with some delicious penguin meat, having surrounded and corralled these poor birds before tearing them to bits in a savage, bloody frenzy. And sure, real polar bears don’t hunt in packs, but they don’t drink coffee or talk either, so I think I’m not off-base in imagining some real horror in store here.