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Blondie, 7/4/20

There’s been an uptick in Alexa jokes in the comics lately, which I assume can be chalked up to the fact that digital assistants are now common enough to be more or less universally familiar, but novel enough to still be a little strange, basically exactly where iPods were in 2006. Still, I do always wonder about the possibility of paid product placement. Amazon is one of the most powerful and wealthy corporations in the history of the human race, and while a lot of people would argue about whether it’s possible to have too much money, I think we could agree that having so much money that you can spare some on advertising in Blondie is a bad sign.

Mark Trail, 7/4/20

Hey, remember a few years back when Mark adamantly defended magazine writing as “a good career for me to provide for my family?” Well, fuck that noise, he’s got a chance to sell out to Hollywood and he’s taking it.

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As we in America celebrate our collective birthday, everyone across the world should celebrate this comment of the week!

“You have to admire how Funky Winkerbean sticks to its core mission: if someone asks an earnest question, often with the admission that they need help or advice, you can be godammed sure they’re going to get a snarky, smug answer that also isn’t funny at all.” –Chance

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Ha, Mr. Wilson is so silly! You only need to stand three feet away from the mirror! The other Mr. Wilson will also be standing three feet away from the mirror, so that’s six feet in total!” –Horace Broon

“In an artistic tour de force, Gary Brookins gives us the from-above perspective, allowing us to consider what it might feel like to poop on these annoying birds for a change.” –The Breathtaking Bonehead Brothers

“This strip makes way more sense once you assume that everyone involved in it — from the lions to the creators to the readers — suffered hypoxia at some point.” –pastordan

“‘So the animals escaped after the vagrants left the cage doors open?’ ‘What? Oh no, no. I unleashed the animals myself, for vengeance! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to lead an elephant stampede down Skid Row.’” –Mr. A

“Let’s all face it, if Shoe came up with an actual contemporary reference it would confuse and disturb us as much as anyone else. Like, I was going to make a joke about Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber releasing ‘Stuck with U… in lockdown,’ and then I realized that ‘Stuck with U’ already is about lockdown, and now my arthritis is acting up. Let Shoe have its Rolling Stones joke! We don’t want to unlock the forces that will escape if we think about how out of touch we are!” –matt w

“So, should we discuss how this one-sided exhibition game demonstrates that unequal access to resources provides some schools with unfair advantages over others, perpetuating the systemic injustices which plague our country?’ ‘Nah, let’s have some pizza!’” –TheDiva

“Your father was thrown into the mysterious region known as the Foreground, which made him appear twice normal size.” –But What Do I Know?

“I expect a certain level of formality from comic strip narration boxes, and the phrase ‘Milford is lots better‘ does not meet my standards.” –Joe Blevins

Today’s strip must have been an emotional rollercoaster for all the famous national sportscasters on TV out there. Is it me? they wonder. Am I the one who looks like Dagwood? Is he gonna say? Am I about to read my own name? Wait … what? Nothing? Dagwood, you little slut.” –made of wince

I can read a book in the morning! I have so much free time and even more constipation!” –Ettorre

“The DAGWOOD is often disturbed at the park when he eats his lunch by the cries of flesh units: ‘Oh god! How is he unhinging his jaw’ or ‘Is that a human leg?’ or ‘My baby! He’s eating my baby!’ It has become … annoying.” –Dread

“Here we see two different approaches to dealing with unpleasant young people. Mary Worth: Gah! I don’t know what to do about this unpleasant young person! I’d better call someone for help! Dustin: Unpleasant young person? Meh. Eventually, I’ll be dead, or he will; either way, the problem solves itself.” –Guy Lumbago

“Perhaps Wilbur could help, he has experience raising a daughter. [everyone stares at Dawn] Or Mary, maybe we stick with Mary on this one.” –Dan

“I like how today’s strip manages to make a joke about the modern age without leaving the 1960s universe of Dennis the Menace by turning the Amazon speaker into some kind of CB radio. Breaker! Breaker! I’m failing as a parent, Alexa. Over!” –pugfuggly

“If you look closely at the ‘monitor’ in today’s Dennis the Menace, it appears to have an anguished face. That’s not Amazon’s Alexa; that’s the trapped soul of famed German actress Alexa von Porembsky, as seen in The Cossack and the Nightingale and The Three from the Filling Station. I can only assume her appearance in box office bomb Josef the Chaste damned her to eternal suffering as a digital assistant. Menacing!” –Voshkod

“Ha, Rex read an article about ‘negging’ in Maxim magazine, and he’s clearly terrible at it.” –BigTed

“Wow, Bill takes to making empty promises like a duck to water. It’s like he was born for Hollywood.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

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Mark Trail, 7/3/20

Hey, uh, you may have heard that James Allen is finishing up his time at Mark Trail! When asked by the Daily Cartoonist whether it was his decision or King Features’, he said “A bit of both — I’m tired and they wanted a new direction.” Maybe it was a mutual decision and maybe it was informed Allen’s tendency to get into social media feuds, with, for instance, members of Congress, or random people on Twitter who run Andy Griffith podcasts, who can say, but the real important question is: how will this affect the current movie storyline? Will the new author just drop this promising development abruptly, just like the tale of Franco Wallace, lover and pinhead, faded out too soon when Woody Wilson left Rex Morgan, M.D.? Or will the new writer have to find their own way through the plot, just as the producers of this human trafficking movie are going to have find their own way to profitability now that the IP rights holder has casually agreed to funnel much of its revenue to charitable causes?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/3/20

Wow, I’ll say this about the great love story that’s about to begin here: June absolutely, 100% had to know what she was getting in to.