Metapost: This is the weekly comment of the week post
Post Content
Interested in reading this week’s top comment, as chosen by me? Well, good news: it’s here.
“What family does Declan have now? Not the one he’s marrying into, for sure: several key clauses in the pre-nup have made that quite clear.” –pugfuggly
As is my wont, I have also chosen a number of hilarious runners up:
“I doubt that there’s anything in Chunky Monkey that could choke an osprey, which can swallow a small fish whole. It’s the theobromine poisoning that will get him.” –matt w
“The beret tells us Schemeese is French, and I think it’s kind of sweet that for his execution they’ve tied him to a giant baguette.” –Peanut Gallery
“They still get a paper delivered? Is Ditto going to start a scrap metal drive for the war effort tomorrow?” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys
“I imagine a lot of Elon Musk fans aren’t familiar with the Phantom, so here’s a quick primer: he’s a white African born into wealth and privilege, who claims to be saving the world but who seems to spend a lot of time lurking in his high-tech base trying to eugenically breed his successors, and he’s going to meet a superhero in striped underpants.” –Schroduck
“That ‘SLAP!’ isn’t the sound of a newspaper being delivered. It’s a guy masturbating under their window. But Hi can still lament the changes in the world. In his day, a guy had to go down to the adult book store with the peep shows to do that. Today’s kids feel entitled to jerk off in his rhododendrons.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
“Does Gertie’s flashlight actually produce light or just place a wedge-shaped ‘day filter’ over part of the panel?” –MRNA Loy, on Bluesky
“This will really give us insight into how long the lead time on your typical Phantom strip is. Will Ian Mollusk be portrayed as a super-genius? It’s over four years. Will he be portrayed as kind of a doofus? About two years. Will he be portrayed as attempting to build a new utopia on the Moon, but only for white snails with divorced snail energy? Then these strips are being written right now. Anyhow, I applaud the fact that the rocket is still drawn like they drew them in the 1950s, some things should be eternal.” –The Ghost of Jarrod
“Dithers is an alien originally from a planet made out of Dagwoods (since destroyed).” –nescio
“Are you suffering from grief and major depression? Hi, I’m Mary Worth for Marworthxli, the fifteen minute cure!” –Little Blue Bicycle
“Is that tree moving, or is Roz’s place actually a revolving restaurant? You’d think a cool feature like that would bring in a lot more customers, but I guess a great view doesn’t mean as much when everyone’s a bird.” –BigTed
“It’s funny cuz ‘top’ has more than one meaning! …Hold on. It’s not funny. Never mind.” –Weaselboy
“[Minutes earlier, a text conversation…]
M – Jeff, my friend, I have a favor to ask of you.
J – sure mary whats up
M – Have you ever done a burial at sea before?
J – uh cant say i have
J – why
M – My dear friend Wilbur has been very sad lately and no longer values himself properly.
M – He isn’t taking my advice and I’m displeased by his poor attitude.
M – So after some thought, I figured this would be the best solution.
J – haha
J – wait are you serious
M – I’m always serious, Jeff.
M – This is what’s best for Wilbur.
J – holy shit
J – uh
J – okay
J – since its for you
J – bring wilbur in the morning
J – there will be less people around
M – Yes, this is a private matter. Thank you for being understanding, Jeff. See you tomorrow.
J – god help us for doing this
M – He surely will, Jeff. He surely will.” –jroggs“‘Next assignment — come up with an idea for a comic strip about military life, that’s been running daily for over 70 years. That narrows the possibilities for originality. How about [scans Internet, hits a recipe site] pie? And with pie for a premise, what’s a punchline? [reads further on the recipe page] Ice cream! That combo is a [checks vocabulary list] knee-slapper! Now for the military part: the guys cooking and eating the pie are soldiers! Done!’ So today we have further evidence that at Walker-Browne Enterprises, even the artificial intelligence that produces the strips has a tee time. Hey, maybe this strip wasn’t its best work, but there was only three milliseconds left before robot golf!” –seismic-2
“That’s right, General, Sarge used French. I think he’s the enemy agent we’ve been looking for. Get the MPs over here quickly because … j’accuse. What? No, I said ‘I accuse.’ I accuse Sarge. [Cookie hung up the phone, humming ‘La Marseillaise’ quietly.]” –Voshkod
“Exxxxxcellent. Wilbur is wearing his best suit, which means he’s probably wearing his slippery, black, leather-soled dress shoes instead of the boat shoes worn by experienced sailors. If he doesn’t slip overboard first, Dr. Jeff will certainly toss him into the briny deep just for leaving scuff marks on the deck.” –Charterstoned
“Hi, I’m Chip and this is my temporary girlfriend, Chippina.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“Wilbur, like myself, is an enthusiast of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. He’s also somehow found a supermarket that carries it in half gallon containers and not just the usual pints. I’ve simultaneously identified with and experienced jealousy for Wilbur Weston this morning. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to sleep forever.” –Kevyn on Video
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51 replies to “Metapost: This is the weekly comment of the week post”
Congrats!!
Congratulations on the Comment of the Week, pugfuggly!
Shadow COTPWMFTLTBWL
Liam
June 7th, 2024 at 4:26 am Reply
Dustin: Dustin, have you ever considered giving men a try? You might have better luck.
Needless Exposition
June 7th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
Marvin: I would say something about Jenny being cranky because she’s not a morning person but when you have to deal with a walking shitstain like Marvin, resting bitch face is pretty much her normal.
Needless Exposition
June 7th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
@MKay: Dennis the Menace: Dennis should be in a car seat. And wearing a Hannibal Lechter mask.
——————————————————
Don’t forget the straightjacket!
The Quiet Man
June 7th, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
Rex Morgan: [Skeletor voice] Curses! Another bully thwarted by the power of FRIENDSHIP!!
astroboy
June 7th, 2024 at 5:10 am Reply
Mary Worth: Say ‘SOB’ again, I dare you, I double dare you m*therf*cker, say ‘SOB’ one more g*dd*mn time!
But What Do I Know?
June 7th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Dustup: Gee, Wilbur’s last hookup has really changed she we last saw her kissing that waiter. . .That is the bet she lost, right, that she couldn’t go out with someone worse than Wilbur.
richardf8
June 7th, 2024 at 5:13 am Reply
Mary Worth: What we see today – the smile, the eyes rolling up a bit – is Mary’s M-Face, as she drinks deeply of Wilbur’s despair and has a meddlegasm.
Philip
June 7th, 2024 at 5:19 am Reply
Marvin: Jeff is definitely in some form of Sisyphean punishment for the sins of his past. He gets a promotion at work that is not actually a promotion, and now even his son’s progress in potty training requires he change diapers and clean a plastic toilet. Even Camus could never imagine the Marvin family as happy.
Scratchy Scrotum LXIX
June 7th, 2024 at 5:19 am Reply
Dustin: At least give Dustin credit for not hitting on someone who reminds him of his mom. This one is wearing a bra.
taig
June 7th, 2024 at 5:39 am Reply
Dustin: Hopefully, Dustin will share the tickets he wins at Chuck E. Cheese with his date.
Banana Jr. 6000
June 7th, 2024 at 6:09 am Reply
Mary Worth: “There are people who need you and who love you, Wilbur! I can’t think of who any of those people are, but they must exist somewhere!”
Professor Fate
June 7th, 2024 at 6:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: Seriously is there anyone that really thinks of Wilbur as a friend? He’s at best tolerated except for Mary who treats him as some sort of deranged after school project, attempting to guilt someone into get involved with him. It’s like she has a bet with someone about that.
Lord Flatulence
June 7th, 2024 at 7:03 am Reply
Phantom: Devil is getting very impatient. “Hey purple man, your name is Walker. Are we going for a walk or not?”
2+2=7
June 7th, 2024 at 8:22 am Reply
Luann: I can’t wait for the sequel where Fishfriend dies under the casual neglect of Schlubfriend and then Nagfriend has to talk him down off the ledge.
Cleveland Mocks
June 7th, 2024 at 9:24 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Wilbur, people need you!”
“Name one.”
“I’ll name two: Estelle and Iris.”
“Whaaa?”
“They need you because you make them so grateful that they each dumped you and found a real man!”
SOB!
Horace Broon
June 7th, 2024 at 11:54 am Reply
Hägar the Horrible: Look, Hägar, you may think there’s no point tidying up because you’re about to die in a volcano, but Lucky Eddie sees the big picture! When your village is unearthed in a thousand years, perfectly preserved like Pompeii, he doesn’t want the archeologists thinking “Wow, this Viking was a total slob!”
Artist formerly known as Ben
June 7th, 2024 at 2:34 pm Reply
Pluggers: Are you guys sure this Pluggers wasn’t submitted by a Sigmund F in Vienna?
//Comment of the Previous Week Made Far Too Late to be Worth Listing. Kudos to L’esprit de l’escalier for naming this category.
Special Shadow Shrug-Like Comments
Bob Tice
June 9th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “Flat Top, if you don’t forswear your incessant pugilism and you continue your spiraling descent into a life of juvenile crime, you’ll lose any chance of playing ‘Spit’ or one of his acolytes in the Glenwood Middle School Players’ forthcoming production of The Dead End Kids: The Musical!”
“Hey, thanks for the didactic apologia! — gosh, Parker, you’re really swell!”
.
.
.
Springboard Shadow CsOTW
Garrison Skunk
June 12th, 2024 at 1:03 pm Reply
@Dennis Jimenez: Blondie: Blondie’s boobs make Dithers weak as a kitten…
——————————————————
I thought Dagwood WAS Blondie’s Boob.
Uncle Lumpy
June 14th, 2024 at 7:15 amReply
@Kevin on Earth: Mary Worth: … Dr Jeff and Mary make excuses to just stop at Wendy’s on the way home.
——————————————————
“Hey, how about Arthur Treacher’s? Just have a hankerin’ for some reason!”
.
.
.
Special Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Voshkod
June 10th, 2024 at 8:11 am Reply
Phantom: “Comms, Ground Control. Vox check.”
“Vox check, roger, read you five by five.”
“Fuel, LOX check.”
“LOX levels green.”
“PR, Ground Control. Spox check.”
“Spox are ready to engage with media.”
“Catering, Ground Control. Lox check.”
“Bagels and lox holding steady, check. Cantaloupe levels low.”
“Fix that. Social Media, Ground Control. Dox check.”
“Ready to dox critics, Ground Control.”
“Terms and Conditions, Ground Control, box check.”
“Box is checked and we own it all, over.”
“Space-Ox One, we are ready to roxs, so hold on to your soxs!”
The Quiet Man
June 11th, 2024 at 5:49 am Reply
Judge Parker: “You see, my brother Don had some grifting operation going with some woman who went by the name Doris, but then he ripped off the wrong guy, some egg-head named after that guy from ‘The Honeymooners’. He pinned it on me, when all I wanted was to make an honest living working in this new factory that was being built from environmentally friendly shipping containers. Then that whole sinkhole fiasco happened and I knew Pater Pavel would not bear the shame of my crawling back to him, so I had to go on the run. Then this psycho CIA agent got on my trail…”
MasterMahan
June 12th, 2024 at 7:15 am Reply
Mary Worth: Mary had been seething with concealed fury ever since the “lost at sea” Wilbur had walked through the door. It wasn’t the thoughtless cruelty of allowing his daughter and his lover to believe him dead – Mary could almost respect that. But Mary had told people he’d been lost at sea. He’d made her… she shuddered… Wrong. Mary Worth was never Wrong. It had taken careful planning to reach this point. Wheedling Dr. Jeff into buying a yacht and establishinga pattern of regular use. Driving away everyone close to Wilbur culminating in a series of emails impersonating Dawn’s estranged mother. Muffins laced with subtle tranquilizers. Just the right amount of fish poison. Soon, Wilbur would be lost at sea, for real this time. Soon Mary would be Right again.
Little Blue Bicycle
June 12th, 2024 at 8:33 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Bum Boat!
We’re waiting for you!
Take a shower, Wilbur, we’re expecting you!
Fish, life’s sweetest reward.
We’ll fry Willa up if you don’t throw her in too.
Dr. Jeff’s boat soon will be making another run–
Dr. Jeff’s boat, and your dead seaworthy son!
Set a course for banality, your mind on the surf and turf!
We don’t have karaoke anymore, but Mary is sure to bore!
It’s Stellan! it’s Willa! It’s sashimi!
It’s the Bum Boat-ah!
It’s the Bum Boat-ah!”
.
.
.
Special Extra Long-form Shadow CsOTW
Bob Tice
June 13th, 2024 at 5:17 am Reply
Mary Worth:
Just
Sit right back and you’ll jeer a tale
A tale of a hateful trip
That started from a rottin’ corpse
Aboard a briny ship
The mate was a flighty, flailin’ lass
The skipper? — way demure
Three passengers set sail at day
For a wee, dour tour
A wee, dour tour
The weather started getting tough
The briny ship was tossed
If not for the courage of the steerless crew
The widow would be lost
The widow would be lost
The ship ran aground on the shore of this
Uncharted desert isle
With still Stellan
The skipper, too
And Wilbs was there in his strife
A moody tar
I profess, sir, that Mary’s bland
Here on still Stellan’s isle!
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 1
BigTed
June 8th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Hi and Lois: I realize this is a joke about “honey-do” lists, but painting the Flagstons’ enormous, empty suburban house and raking and watering their giant lawn will probably take Hi weeks — and that’s not even accounting for the fact that these people have only three fingers on each hand.
MKay
June 8th, 2024 at 4:59 am Reply
Rex Morgan: Surprise, the hallways are remarkably bare of adults. The staff is all occupied attending yet another mandatory inservice about bullying.
Peanut Gallery
June 8th, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
Judge Parker: “No, no, not ‘elope.’ I said I want some ‘elote.’ There’s a Mexican food truck parked down the street.”
Ukulele Ike
June 8th, 2024 at 7:16 am Reply
Phantom: (Devil’s thought bubble): “No, readers, I can’t believe this shit either. But if he stops skritching, I’m gonna eat his hand off.”
Liam
June 8th, 2024 at 8:56 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: “Without Mary Worth around to do the cooking food actually tastes good.”
gnome de blog
June 8th, 2024 at 11:57 am Reply
Mary Worth: Mary’s entire life has pointed to this: restoring Wilbur from a depressed, self-centered dork back into the useless nebbish he used to be, and her vaunted meddling powers are the weakest we’ve ever seen. Jeez Mare – go rustle up some salmon squares or something. So far you got no game at all.
MasterMahan
June 8th, 2024 at 4:45 pm Reply
Dennis the Menace: “I approve of this nutrient-rich meal, Mother. I have certain plans for the future, plans that will be abeted if I am a modern-day Goliath, a being with the terrible strength to cut a bloody path across the nation… err, I mean [higher pitch] gee, I sure am glad I ruined my appetite with Missus Wilson’s cookies!”
Pozzo
June 9th, 2024 at 4:35 am Reply
Shoe: Is the Perfesser the Wilbur of the Shoeniverse? Discuss.
Hibbleton
June 9th, 2024 at 4:39 am Reply
Mary Worth: As Wilbur hands over his credit card, the medium thinks; “A seance for a fish, eh? I’d better practice my glub, glub voices.”
BigTed
June 9th, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Wilbur, people depend on you… your daughter, your remaining goldfish, and your friends! In that order. Because your friends all think you suck, and the fish isn’t really that fond of you either.
Shoe Substitutes
June 9th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
Mary Worth: And as with one voice the Sunday comics readers of the nation begin to chant “Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.”
taig
June 9th, 2024 at 5:18 am Reply
Mary Worth: “We’re going to stage Stellan’s death so it looks like a murder-suicide.”
Cleveland Mocks
June 9th, 2024 at 9:09 am Reply
Mary Worth: As the assembled mourners comfort themselves by noshing on the traditional funeral muffins, Ian refuses to go along with all the fake sentimentality and phony friendship bullshit.
“Hey, Weston, we’re all going to the Bum Boat afterward for some fish fry. Wanna join us? Haw Haw!”
Batiuk’s Attic
June 9th, 2024 at 12:49 pm Reply
Six Chix: Annie, you’re an adult. You can let people know #annieneedstogetlaid
Artist formerly known as Ben
June 9th, 2024 at 3:15 pm Reply
Dick Tracy: The lesson here is, “Don’t have blatant sex appointments in the office during working hours, because that will give your secretary extra time to plot against you.” Amen, brother, amen.
Pozzo
June 10th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
Mary Worth: I think for Mary to talk Jeff into this will require a trade-off. Maybe a trip to the Bum Boat (and I don’t mean the restaurant).
Bob Tice
June 10th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
Phantom: “10…9…8…7…wait a minute…what comes after 7 if you’re counting backwards? I’m drawing a blank! I can’t remember! Scrap the mission! NOW!”
jroggs
June 10th, 2024 at 5:03 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: What’s the minimum arming distance of a t-shirt? Sorry, that’s a really stupid question, but barely a drop in the bucket compared to the wild insanity of this portrayed situation.
Schroduck
June 10th, 2024 at 5:08 am Reply
Hi and Lois: Do newspapers get delivered by car in the middle of the night? Fortunately, no-one gets newspaper deliveries any more, so this comic will go un-fact-checked.
seismic-2
June 10th, 2024 at 5:51 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Yes, Jeff and I will tow you and Stellan behind us in a small dinghy. Then we cut you loose, and Jeff and I will fire flaming arrows at the dinghy to give Stellan the Viking funeral at sea that he deserves!”
Tabby Lavalamp
June 10th, 2024 at 5:57 am Reply
Mary Worth: Damn it, Mary is an evil genius! She’s clearly had enough of Wilbur’s BS and knowing his history with boats, this is the best way to put an end to his misery without getting her hands dirty. The only people I feel bad for are those in the far future who find his skeleton somehow still wearing his glasses and have to try to figure that out.
Liam
June 10th, 2024 at 6:10 am Reply
Mary Worth: The only way this can end is if Mary Fredos Wilbur.
Inspector Gotcha
June 10th, 2024 at 6:15 am Reply
Slylock Fox: Cassandra has a tape recording of running water. At 11 o’clock, she’ll play it, and when the librarian hears the sound, it will make her want to pee. She’ll rush off to the ladies room, and then Cassandra will swoop in and grab the book.
No?
ekgonzalez
June 11th, 2024 at 5:46 am Reply
Mary Worth: It is hard to imagine that Mary’s intentions with Wilbur aren’t “this time, Wilbur stays drowned.”
MKay
June 11th, 2024 at 4:37 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: Dennis hopes that cutesy malaprops will get him a transfer to “Family Circus.”
taig
June 11th, 2024 at 5:18 am Reply
Dick Tracy: I’ll save you some time. The password is “password”.
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 2
Hibbleton
June 11th, 2024 at 5:52 am Reply
Family Circus: Jeffy returns from nude summer camp more militant than ever.
“Maaa! Clothes are a bourgeois concept.”
Weaselboy
June 11th, 2024 at 5:55 am Reply
Gasoline Alley: “And tomorrow, let’s get the flashlight’s beam recalibrated. It pulls about twenty degrees left of where I aim it.”
Ken
June 11th, 2024 at 5:59 am Reply
Dick Tracy: What Dick Tracy thinks about cryptocurrency is, if you can’t shoot it or beat a confession out of it, it’s not worth investigating.
Liam
June 11th, 2024 at 6:14 am Reply
Judge Parker: “He lives deep in the heart of darkest Africa. He’s like a ghost to me. A Ghost That Walks.”
Guillermo el chiclero
June 11th, 2024 at 7:43 am Reply
Phantom: Is the ass-cracking fat lady in the second panel a plumber?
But What Do I Know?
June 11th, 2024 at 8:06 am Reply
The Ghost Who Foreshadows: Is it just me, or does the logo on the rocket fin look like the Phantom has already punched it?
BigTed
June 11th, 2024 at 8:10 am Reply
Mary Worth: This seems like a puzzle worthy of midweek “Slylock Fox:” You have a pizza box, a potato-chip bag, and a paper soda cup. Which is the right size and weight for burying a fish at sea? (Answer: Was it an intelligent, talking fish? In that case, it doesn’t really matter, because his relatives are already planning to jump onto the boat and push Wilbur overboard.)
Horace Broon
June 11th, 2024 at 1:05 pm Reply
Phantom: We’re two days into this storyline and I’m already getting confused. “Wait, a thinly disguised version of a problematic billionaire with a dumb parody name? I thought I stopped reading ‘Mark Trail’ ages ago!”
Tim Pendergast
June 11th, 2024 at 1:31 pm Reply
Bizarro: Is that a bowl or a cone to keep them from licking themselves?
Rube
June 11th, 2024 at 2:00 pm Reply
Mary Worth: Suppose that I am unusual, in that I don’t give a damn what my own funeral will be like. A “dignified funeral” for a fish strikes me as too stupid for words.
Professor Well Actually
June 11th, 2024 at 2:24 pm Reply
Mary Worth: What are the odds Mary will reward Jeff by spreading her le…HAHAHAHAHA
Needless Exposition
June 12th, 2024 at 4:29 am Reply
Blondie: I imagine that a pre-Dagwood Dithers was a lean, tall man who had legs that could span the length of the room with a single stride and the kindness of a saint. Decades of Dagwood have turned him into the short (in stature and temperament), squat man we see today which implies that Dagwood is not so secretly some soul sucking Euclidean ghoul.
Vice President John Adams
June 12th, 2024 at 4:35 am Reply
Mary Worth: “But Wilbur had to admit, the second fish funeral wasn’t nearly as emotionally satisfying as Stellan’s had been. Perhaps funerals weren’t the one-way ticket to happiness he had been promised… or perhaps he needed bigger corpses. When was Dawn getting home again?”
jroggs
June 12th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
Mary Worth: No need to recap the dozens of chronic problems Wilbur has with his mental state and behavior. They’re all completely cured now because Mary told him he could throw a dead fish off a boat. No. Seriously.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
June 12th, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
Mary Worth: Next week on Mary Worth, Mary is revealed to be Santa Royale Hospice Home of Hope’s health aide with the poorest boundaries.
Tabby Lavalamp
June 12th, 2024 at 5:35 am Reply
Shoe: It would not surprise me at all to discover the Perfesser responded to an email regarding Russian birds looking for American husbands. Also one hawking pills that would make his penis larger or his cloaca more enticing or whatever the hell it is his species has going on down there.
Weaselboy
June 12th, 2024 at 5:56 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Congratulations, Ms. Worth, on your lifetime achievement award. What would you say was your most challenging meddle?” “It all started when my friend’s fish died.” (Harp glissando)
Professor Fate
June 12th, 2024 at 6:07 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur’s expression is totally unmoored. It looks to me like he’s planning on killing several people so his dead fish has companions on his way to a peaceful rest, hence the creepy smile.
Little Blue Bicycle
June 12th, 2024 at 7:12 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Poor Coach Kim. The melted face. The monstrous hand. The hand is the size of a dishpan. Dishpan hands!
Cornflake
June 12th, 2024 at 8:30 am Reply
Mary Worth: So this was just a long con to get Mary to clean Wilbur’s apartment yet again. Well played Wilbur.
I speak Jive
June 12th, 2024 at 8:45 am Reply
Mary Worth: The AMA is having emergency meetings, now that the word is out that platitudes, yelling, and fish funerals can cure severe depression in minutes.
Die Rosenkavalieren
June 12th, 2024 at 9:36 am Reply
Mary Worth: Who needs Zoloft & Wellbutrin when you’ve got Mary for a friend?
Peanut Gallery
June 12th, 2024 at 10:12 am Reply
Mary Worth: In Mary Worth, clinical depression can be cured with a shower, shave, and change of clothes. It’s the mental-health equivalent of Rex Morgan curing a drug overdose with smelling salts. And yet, my health insurer still won’t pay for more than 20 Mary Worth visits a year, while Rex Morgan is unlimited!
2+2=7
June 12th, 2024 at 10:37 am Reply
Mary Worth: Oh my god! Has Wilbur become such a douche that his whole life has morphed into one big Massengil commercial.
Wilbur: “Ah, my life finally feels fresh! Thanks, Mary!”
RogerBW
June 12th, 2024 at 11:27 am Reply
Mary Worth and Real Mental Health Experience: When someone is very depressed and suddenly pivots to cheerful, that can often be because they’ve made up their mind to kill themselves.
I mean, where Wilbur’s concerned, I dare not look so high.
Shadow COTW Contenders, Part 3
BeckoningChasm
June 13th, 2024 at 4:25 am Reply
Six Chix: That’s not how feet work AT ALL.
BigTed
June 13th, 2024 at 4:37 am Reply
Mary Worth: Did the colorist forget to do Mary’s muffins today, or do they really look that pale, sallow, and unappetizing? (Coincidentally, “pale, sallow, and unappetizing” is how Mary described Wilbur when she filled out a dating-app profile for him.)
lynn
June 13th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
Mary Worth: I truly hope that ‘ring your doorbell in the morning’ isn’t a euphemism.
McCapwell
June 13th, 2024 at 5:07 am Reply
Mary Worth: Fingers crossed for a rare California hurricane to pop up tomorrow. If it does, global warming will be doing the Lord’s work.
DNH
June 13th, 2024 at 5:31 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Doctor Jeff has never taken his boat out for a burial at sea before. He usually disposes of his mistakes in the woods east of town.”
Voshkod
June 13th, 2024 at 6:44 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: “That’s right, General, Sarge used French. I think he’s the enemy agent we’ve been looking for. Get the MPs over here quickly because . . . j’accuse. What? No, I said ‘I accuse.’ I accuse Sarge.” Cookie hung up the phone, humming ‘La Marseillaise’ quietly.
bartorama
June 13th, 2024 at 7:15 am Reply
Mary Worth: This “burial” at sea should be interesting, as Stellan is kind of a popsicle at this point he’s gonna float for a while. Awkward…
MasterMahan
June 13th, 2024 at 7:35 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Jeff’s never taken his boat out for a burial at sea before. You’ve likely heard rumors about Jeff loading his boat with suspiciously heavy rolled carpets before setting sail at odd hours, but the truth is he just really cares about having nice carpeting on his yacht.”
ectojazzmage
June 13th, 2024 at 10:35 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: This strip is fueling my fan theory that Cookie is a genetically-engineered clone of Sarge with ape DNA added in.
Artist formerly known as Ben
June 13th, 2024 at 12:23 pmReply
Beetle Bailey: Take the all-against-all hostility out of the annals of Camp Swampy and all you have left are puns too weak to live outside of captivity.
Kevin on Earth
June 14th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
Mary Worth: The only thing I’m wondering about now is whether Wilbur makes it to the “Bum Boat” or Dr Jeff and Mary make excuses to just stop at Wendy’s on the way home.
Bob Tice
June 14th, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Out of the freezer, into the sea! — in other words, exactly the opposite of what the Gorton’s Fisherman does!”
MKay
June 14th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
Rex Morgan: I’m disappointed; I really thought Bully was going to be stupid enough to punch the teacher.
Peanut Gallery
June 14th, 2024 at 5:10 amReply
Judge Parker: “That’s not what I was going to ask. I was about to say, is your brother single? Because he’s gotta be less of a pain in the ass than you.”
taig
June 14th, 2024 at 5:11 amReply
Family Circus: This proclamation from Billy makes Jeffy extra confused about the cock ring.
nescio
June 14th, 2024 at 5:31 amReply
Mary Worth: I’m guessing the supermarket won’t sell Wilbur Hungry Man frozen dinners because he’s too pathetic to qualify.
astroboy
June 14th, 2024 at 6:03 am Reply
Hi and Lois: I usually manage to overlook how grotesquely misshapen the heads and faces are in this strip, but Chip and Chipette in silhouette is forcing me to notice that they look like the product of a mating between Dr. Zaius and a Yeti.
Kevyn on Video
June 14th, 2024 at 6:08 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur, like myself, is an enthusiast of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream. He’s also somehow found a supermarket that carries it in half gallon containers and not just the usual pints. I’ve simultaneously identified with and experienced jealousy for Wilbur Weston this morning.
If you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to sleep forever.
TomD
June 14th, 2024 at 6:46 amReply
Hi and Lois: Those freckles are the Euro Constellation, and are identical so that the counterfeits can be detected.
Hibbleton
June 14th, 2024 at 6:54 amReply
Mary Worth: Wilbur readies Stellan’s body for the funeral by laying him out on a fancy platter surrounded by all manner of fossilized coral and sea creatures. He passes Ian in the vestibule while carrying the bier to the car.
“Ooooo, Paella!” (Chomp!)
Ukulele Ike
June 14th, 2024 at 7:03 amReply
Mary Worth: Well, you can’t go for a sail on a sunny SoCal day without bringing along the bier.
Daily Shadow CsOTW
Saturday
————
jroggs
June 8th, 2024 at 5:05 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: Casseroles that ignore conservation of mass principles to self-regenerate in their dish probably aren’t good for anyone.
Liam
June 8th, 2024 at 12:48 pm Reply
Mary Worth: This can only end with Mary getting Wilbur drunk and carting his ass in a wheelbarrow to another comic and leaving him there. “He’s your problem now, Garfield.”
Sunday
———-
Peanut Gallery
June 9th, 2024 at 6:01 am Reply
Crock: The beret tells us Schemeese is French, and I think it’s kind of sweet that for his execution they’ve tied him to a giant baguette.
Ukulele Ike
June 9th, 2024 at 7:38 am Reply
Dick Tracy: The receptionist is INFURIATED when the boss orders up a hooker in the middle of the day. “That old bastard gets more sex than I do, and I’m a young blonde with an exciting hairdo!”
Monday
———–
Ettorre
June 10th, 2024 at 4:59 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Jeff, can you help us dispose of a corpse with your boat?”
“I don’t know what you have heard, but those patients were never on my operating table and I was not drunk and I can operate drunk anyway!”
pugfuggly
June 10th, 2024 at 5:16 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Are you kidding? The only thing that Jeff has going on in his life is that boat. He’d agree to a fish funeral, a fish wake, and a fish memorial. Hell, I’ll bet good money that he tries to pencil in a Stellan anniversary boat tour for the next five years…”
Tuesday
———–
Dennis Jimenez
June 11th, 2024 at 7:59 am Reply
Dick Tracy: Why no disclaimer? CRIME INFORMATION – FOR OFFICIAL CRIME USE ONLY – Unauthorized users not committing crimes are subject to weaponized prosecution by the Department of Injustice including fines and imprisonment…
Guillermo el chiclero
June 11th, 2024 at 12:44 pm Reply
Family Circus: I don’t like the way Thel is giving bedroom eyes to a naked toddler.
Wednesday
—————
Scott Christian Simmons
June 12th, 2024 at 5:20 am Reply
Mary Worth: So, is Wilbur about to learn that the official term for a small dead fish on a boat is “bait”?
Old School Allie Cat
June 12th, 2024 at 7:20 am Reply
Mary Worth: I have the image of Wilbur stripped down to his boxers, standing in a DIY car wash while Mary scrubs him down with one of those long handled, foaming broom brushes. It’s not a pleasant image. Also, I’m pretty sure the people running the car wash would complain.
Thursday
————
Kevin on Earth
June 13th, 2024 at 5:57 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: It’s probably time Cookie tried out a new hair style on his shoulders.
Voshkod
June 13th, 2024 at 7:53 am Reply
Mary Worth: “So, Jeff, first burial at sea, eh? Cool, cool. Anyway, is that a signed picture of Natalie Wood I just saw in the ship’s cabin?”
Friday
——–
Needless Exposition
June 14th, 2024 at 4:27 am Reply
Mary Worth: Looks like the James Bond films and actors have rapidly decreased in quality since the last one I saw. What’s this one called, “Mayopussy?” “The Wilbur Never Dies?” “The Exes who Loathed Me?” No, wait, it’s “The Man with the Golden Fish,” isn’t it?
jroggs
June 14th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
Luann: Folderol (n) – trivial or nonsensical fuss. Huh. I would have guessed it was a recreational drug sold behind Staples and Office Depot late at night when you’re not in the mood for their wide offering of inhalants.
.
.
.
Shadow COTW
——————
Schroduck
June 11th, 2024 at 4:35 am Reply
Today’s Phantom is going to appear in the Guinness Book of Records under “Largest Ass Cleavage for a Newspaper Comic Strip (Background Character).”
Now *that’s* a nice to start a weekend!
Thanks to Josh and congrats my fellow floaters (especially Scratchy who continues to push the limit on what will get published here…!)
Congratulations to pugfuggly and the Floaters and Shadowers (and thanks, Baja and Josh), and the Scroters:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BeckoningChasm
June 8th, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
Dennis: So, everyone has a bowl of pasta salad-like glop…and then there’s the bowl placed right next to the “camera.” Is that for Ruff?
BigTed
June 8th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
Dennis the Menace: Eh, Alice doesn’t care. From the pinkness in her cheeks (and in her glass), she’s been slurping down that rosé since noon.
pugfuggly
June 8th, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply
DtM: There’s something weird about the phrasing here, in that I can only seem to read it in Jackie Mason’s voice.
Needless Exposition
June 8th, 2024 at 6:35 am Reply
DTM: While Dennis has been going through Menace Decay over the years, he’s made up for it by being an asshole. Sadly they couldn’t rename the strip Dennis the Asshole due to “profanity.”
MW: I have a sinking feeling that Wilbur is going to come out of this story not only having learned nothing but becomes more insufferable than ever as well as undeservedly rewarded for just existing. Dawn will come back because she prefers the wannabe WASPs of Santa Royale over the actual WASPs of Connecticut. Willa will end up having a bunch of babies so Stellan will still live on. That foul mouthed old man will give Wilbur a huge reward as a fight breaks out between the stupid kid’s hot mom and the old man’s hot daughter over who gets to date Wilbur. And then Mary will smugly take all the credit during her Bum Boat recap and eats her salmon that the chef spit in because she always tells Jeff not to tip.
Arabella
June 8th, 2024 at 10:50 am Reply
Pluggers are misremembering. It was “walking down the street with a funny-looking thing on your ear and talking loudly to yourself” that made folks think you had lost your mind.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bob Tice
June 9th, 2024 at 4:32 am Reply
RMMD:
“Flat Top, if you don’t forswear your incessant pugilism and you continue your spiraling descent into a life of juvenile crime, you’ll lose any chance of playing ‘Spit’ or one of his acolytes in the Glenwood Middle School Players’ forthcoming production of The Dead End Kids: The Musical!”
“Hey, thanks for the didactic apologia! — gosh, Parker, you’re really swell!”
Hibbleton
June 9th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
H&L: Thirsty spending the whole day staring at Lois’ ass might seem off-putting but she appears to be enjoying it.
“It’s a little warm. I think I’ll put on some shorts.”
Tonio
June 9th, 2024 at 7:39 am Reply
H&L: “You have a real gift for growing things” “You should try planting your own garden.” So now the strip is recycling flirtatious setups from 1970s porn?
BigTed
June 9th, 2024 at 4:58 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Wilbur, people depend on you… your daughter, your remaining goldfish, and your friends! In that order. Because your friends all think you suck, and the fish isn’t really that fond of you either.
MKay
June 9th, 2024 at 5:01 am Reply
MW: Fish funeral! Fish funeral! Break out your black veils! And, pleasepleaseplease, have Ian bloviate the eulogy!
Shoe Substitutes
June 9th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
MW: And as with one voice the Sunday comics readers of the nation begin to chant “Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
taig
June 10th, 2024 at 5:02 am Reply
Luann: How wacky! The person who works at the “retirement residence” accidentally used a euphemism for someone dying to indicate they’ve actually just physically relocated. Ha! Hilarity ensues!
Peanut Gallery
June 10th, 2024 at 6:27 am Reply
Luann – “Maybe you’d like to speak to her son, Little Jack. He’s a good boy.”
“Uh… he is?”
“Well, he thinks so.”
Everything Is Better With Monkeys
June 10th, 2024 at 4:49 am Reply
H&L – how old are these people? Papers were coming by car in the dark in the 80s. Secondly, they still get a paper delivered? Is Ditto going to start a scrap metal drive for the war effort tomorrow?
Maude R. Fawker
June 10th, 2024 at 9:03 am Reply
H&L: “I used to deliver newspapers on my bike. Now it comes by car in the middle of the night. Wanna fuck?” “Go back to sleep.”
Pandrew
June 10th, 2024 at 9:09 am Reply
When I was a kid, Hi and Lois were a fun, loving family and I enjoyed reading when I was a kid.
Now it’s devolving into Ed Kudlick levels of “Everything sucks!” rants.
Well, I guess I can indulge in other childhood nostalgia that hasn’t gone downhill, like The Simpsons and Sesame Street…. wait a minute…
Bensonmum
June 10th, 2024 at 10:48 am Reply
When I was a kid I delivered the Rochester Times-Union in the afternoons. On particularly snowy days my grandfather would take me on my route in his Dodge Polara.
Fuck you, Hi.
Pozzo
June 10th, 2024 at 4:30 am Reply
MW: I think for Mary to talk Jeff into this will require a trade-off. Maybe a trip to the Bum Boat (and I don’t mean the restaurant).
MKay
June 10th, 2024 at 4:36 am Reply
MW: This would be an ideal time for Jeff to discover his long-buried self-respect and say, “What are you, @#$#-ing NUTS??
Ettorre
June 10th, 2024 at 4:59 am Reply
“Jeff, can you help us dispose of a corpse with your boat?”
“I don’t know what you have heard, but those patients were never on my operating table and I was not drunk and I can operate drunk anyway!”
Daisy
June 10th, 2024 at 8:12 am Reply
MW: Wilbur, Mary and Jeff gently release Stellan to the waters where he will spend eternity. Wilbur is crying, Mary is softly singing “Nearer My God to Thee” and Jeff is face-palming. As Stellan slowly sinks into the sea a barracuda breaks the surface and, in a lightning-fast strike, devours the goldfish. Closure.
Poteet
June 10th, 2024 at 8:29 am Reply
MW: Y’know, Karen and June, public conservation agencies around the world have been desperately trying for years to explain to people that it is an extremely bad idea to dispose of aquarium contents in oceans, lakes, ponds, rivers, etc. It really is a very bad thing to do. Google “invasive seaweed” and you will see a litany of global horror stories. As just two examples, look up what Caulerpa has done to the Mediterranean Sea, and look up the San Diego emergency declaration from three weeks ago about invasive seaweed there.
Yes, Wilbur’s fish, by itself, probably won’t cause any problems. But you are still sending the wrong message to your readers. Thanks for nothing.
Maltmash3r
June 10th, 2024 at 8:37 am Reply
Who’s counseling Wilbur when a seagull snatches Stellan out of Wilbur’s hand while shitting on his head?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukulele Ike
June 10th, 2024 at 7:25 am Reply
JP ”I was just about to get married, and he fucked my fiancée.”
Throckmorton HabersteinerSequiturJune 10th, 2024 at 12:11 pm Reply
Ian Mollusk. Remember the name.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
lynn, the poster formerly known as lumaca morente
June 11th, 2024 at 4:33 am Reply
Phantom: could have been worse, Space Ox could be owned by Lumaca Morente.
Schroduck
June 11th, 2024 at 4:35 am Reply
Today’s Phantom is going to appear in the Guinness Book of Records under “Largest Ass Cleavage for a Newspaper Comic Strip (Background Character)”
jroggs
June 11th, 2024 at 4:34 am Reply
Luann: Sure enough, the predictable joke is exactly what we thought it would be, only delivered in the most awkward and unbelievable way possible. Meanwhile, Luann plays the straight man with the dull lethargic mumbling of a tranquilizer addict. Reading Luann is like watching a pro basketball player go for a lay-up on an ages 3 & up toy basketball hoop and fall flat on their back with a bloody nose after bouncing the shot off the rim into their own face, except every day for 40 years.
taig
June 11th, 2024 at 5:18 am Reply
DT: I’ll save you some time. The password is “password.”
Ken
June 11th, 2024 at 5:59 am Reply
DT: What Dick Tracy thinks about cryptocurrency is, if you can’t shoot it or beat a confession out of it, it’s not worth investigating.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
June 11th, 2024 at 4:53 am Reply
MW: Seasick Wilbur throws Stellan over the side and immediately vomits in the same spot.
Mary in aside says to Jeff; “You know, I may have to rethink the whole ‘not a loser’ thing.”
Kevin on Earth
June 11th, 2024 at 7:10 am Reply
MW: Mary: “I’m sure Jeff would be willing to take us out on his boat to do this.”
[Jeff stops mid operation and shudders]
[patient flat-lines]
Myrtle
June 11th, 2024 at 5:01 am Reply
MW: “Now let’s get this place cleaned up! As soon as the neighbors find out about your loss, they’ll all be coming by to pay their respects, dropping off pound cakes and tuna casseroles. Oh, sorry…..”
BigTed
June 11th, 2024 at 8:10 am Reply
Mary Worth: This seems like a puzzle worthy of midweek Slylock Fox: You have a pizza box, a potato-chip bag, and a paper soda cup. Which is the right size and weight for burying a fish at sea? (Answer: Was it an intelligent, talking fish? In that case, it doesn’t really matter, because his relatives are already planning to jump onto the boat and push Wilbur overboard.)
MKay
June 11th, 2024 at 4:37 am Reply
MW: The stupidest problems demand the stupidest solutions.
GA: Ordeal? You want to talk ordeal? Did your fish die? Did it?
DtM: Dennis hopes that cutesy malaprops will get him a transfer to “Family Circus.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
June 11th, 2024 at 6:11 am Reply
Archie-Veronica wants Archie their to trim her bush.
FC-Jeffy’s auditioning for ‘Love Is’.
I speak Jive
June 11th, 2024 at 8:19 am Reply
FC – I was in the pool! I WAS IN THE POOL!
Braniff
June 11th, 2024 at 6:51 am Reply
FC: Jeffy entertains ladies for their birthdays by jumping out of a cake. That’s why it’s his birthday suit!
Hibbleton
June 11th, 2024 at 5:52 am Reply
FC: Jeffy returns from nude summer camp more militant than ever.
“Maaa! Clothes are a bourgeois concept.”
Slylock: In panel two, Sk8er boi finally notices that Ms Lavigne has a butt plug shoved in her ear.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Cleveland Mocks
June 11th, 2024 at 6:36 am Reply
RMMD: “Mr. Dawson, there might be a problem. I think Parker might be in a battle of wits with that lame new kid who tries to bully us. The kid is dumber than rocks. Parker’s vocabulary has probably got him in a metaphorical headlock right now. Somebody should probably break it up.”
The Quiet Man
June 11th, 2024 at 5:49 am Reply
RMMD: Speaking of off-panel, we’re about to smash cut to Parker on the floor all mangled up Beetle Bailey-style while Jughead’s evil twin walks off going ‘Haw Haw!’, aren’t we?
Bob Tice
June 12th, 2024 at 4:25 am Reply
MW:
All of the hand-wringing about his romantic travails has gone completely out the window now that cheery Wilbur is content with a final resting place for his fish. Makes perfect sense.
Vice President John Adams
June 12th, 2024 at 4:35 am Reply
“But Wilbur had to admit, the second fish funeral wasn’t nearly as emotionally satisfying as Stellan’s had been. Perhaps funerals weren’t the one-way ticket to happiness he had been promised… or perhaps he needed bigger corpses. When was Dawn getting home again?”
jroggs
June 12th, 2024 at 4:38 am Reply
MW: No need to recap the dozens of chronic problems Wilbur has with his mental state and behavior. They’re all completely cured now because Mary told him he could throw a dead fish off a boat. No. Seriously.
Scott Christian Simmons
June 12th, 2024 at 5:20 am Reply
So, is Wilbur about to learn that the official term for a small dead fish on a boat is “bait”?
Cleveland Mocks
June 12th, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
MW: Mary’s already got it all planned out. A hearse. Police escort of the cortege to Jeff’s boat. A priest. Twenty-person choir. Three eulogists. U.S. Navy color guard. Afterward, reception at the Bum Boat. Announcement of an endowment in Stellan’s name. A round of toasts to his memory.
No exes will be invited, and she’s flying Dawn in from Connecticut.
Wilbur’s son deserves no less.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
June 12th, 2024 at 5:24 am Reply
Next week on Mary Worth, Mary is revealed to be Santa Royale Hospice Home of Hope’s health aide with the poorest boundaries.
Arabella
June 12th, 2024 at 5:53 am Reply
MW: Shouldn’t Mary at least be wearing gloves to do that? And additionally, a high-grade mask? Best option – a full hazmat suit.
Weaselboy
June 12th, 2024 at 5:56 am Reply
MW – “Congratulations, Ms. Worth, on your lifetime achievement award. What would you say was your most challenging meddle?” “It all started when my friend’s fish died.” (Harp glissando)
Professor Fate
June 12th, 2024 at 6:07 am Reply
MW; Wilbur’s expression is totally unmoored. It looks to me like he’s planning on killing several people so his dead fish has companions on his way to a peaceful rest, hence the creepy smile.
Baja Gaijin
June 12th, 2024 at 6:09 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’d hoped by the end of this storyline Wilbur’d be resting in
peacepiss, specifically Libbby’s.Richard Morningwood
June 12th, 2024 at 6:50 am Reply
Wilbur’s dick is a dead fish.
Fritz
June 12th, 2024 at 6:10 am Reply
Unironically love Mr. Dithers’ ensemble today. The spotted pants, vest with contrasting back, striped tie… lovely! Beautifully drawn.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
lynn
June 12th, 2024 at 6:45 am Reply
Shoe: Well, this is a pretty frank admission about the sex trade going on in Treetops.
Kevin on Earth
June 13th, 2024 at 5:57 am Reply
BB: It’s probably time Cookie tried out a new hair style on his shoulders.
Ettorre
June 13th, 2024 at 7:11 am Reply
I was about to make a joke about how Sarge is a true American, defending traditional values threatened by Woke, such as apple pie. But then I realised that these days it’s probably the alt-right that hates apple pie and ice-cream, because sweet things are feminine and they would not fit in the diet of a Spartiate. To sum it up, I wanted to make a joke, but I made myself sad
McCapwell
June 13th, 2024 at 5:07 am Reply
BB: I’m thankful they didn’t show Sarge & Cookie role-playing the pie scene from American Pie. I don’t even want to know what ice cream is code for.
MW: Fingers crossed for a rare California hurricane to pop up tomorrow. If it dies, global warming will be doing the Lord’s work.
bartorama
June 13th, 2024 at 7:15 am Reply
MW: This “burial” at sea should be interesting, as Stellan is kind of a popsicle at this point he’s gonna float for a while. Awkward…
Schroduck
June 13th, 2024 at 4:46 am Reply
MW: If you anxiously blurt out “I’ve never taken my boat out for a burial at sea before, ha ha!” as soon as the conversation drifts that way, you’ve DEFINITELY disposed of a corpse or two in the ocean. Say, we’ve not seen Ian for a while, have we?
Voshkod
June 13th, 2024 at 7:53 am Reply
“So, Jeff, first burial at sea, eh? Cool, cool. Anyway, is that a signed picture of Natalie Wood I just saw in the ship’s cabin?”
lynn
June 13th, 2024 at 4:42 am Reply
MW: I truly hope that ‘ring your doorbell in the morning’ isn’t a euphemism.
DNH
June 13th, 2024 at 5:31 am Reply
“Doctor Jeff has never taken his boat out for a burial at sea before. He usually disposes of his mistakes in the woods east of town.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
June 13th, 2024 at 5:38 am Reply
Marvin gears up for the grandest shit ever. “Dad better bring his hip waders, heh, heh.”
I speak Jive
June 13th, 2024 at 5:38 am Reply
FC – I’m surprised the little moron isn’t standing directly under the ball so it hits him in his face.
Daisy
June 13th, 2024 at 7:06 am Reply
FC: Well, that just upends my personal theology.
Activist 1234
June 13th, 2024 at 7:07 am Reply
JP: you went with him a year, took him to meet your parents, yet didn’t bother to ask about or meet Declan’s family? Caveat emptor, young woman.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Needless Exposition
June 14th, 2024 at 4:33 am Reply
H&L: Evidently these two were the byproducts of the year where Thirsty was considered the stud amongst all the housewives. Years of alcohol abuse and the wives trying to cover up their infidelity means that he essentially became the ultimate sperm donor with zero consequences on everyone’s part.
Anonymous
June 14th, 2024 at 4:40 am Reply
Hi & Lois : “We’ve got 12 weeks until we break up”, huh? Actually, Chip, if you’re anything like your dad, it’s more like 10 minutes. 30 seconds of you failing to perform, 9.5 minutes of her getting increasingly disgusted by your excuses that “it never happened to me before, I swear!” and “I’m sure this happens to plenty of other guys, lots of times!”
jroggs
June 14th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
H&L: What are your summer plans? Traveling with friends? Hitting the beaches? Grilling with the family? Well, Chip getting ready for a full season of fucking a female clone of himself. Apparently selfcest is family friendly content and acceptable for the funny pages as long as it’s implied to only last for a few months.
pugfuggly
June 14th, 2024 at 5:26 am Reply
H&L: So they joke is…teens fucking? I think that’s the joke.
Hibbleton
June 14th, 2024 at 4:37 am Reply
Blondie: I see the man in the movie poster is wearing a hardhat. I’m with Dagwood on this one. A historical film about the building of the interstate highway system certainly doesn’t need any superfluous romance and intrigue.
MKay
June 14th, 2024 at 4:48 am Reply
MW: Out of my stomach and onto my shoes.
ectojazzmage
June 14th, 2024 at 7:18 am Reply
Mary Worth: It truly is amazing how this comic is so ineptly written that it manages to make a guy giving his pet a funeral into something totally bizarre and creepy.
Old School Allie Cat
June 14th, 2024 at 5:01 am Reply
MW – I am choosing not to focus on the terrible writing, but instead on the lovingly mediocre depictions of frozen entrees on the boxes of Wilbur’s Hungry Guy dinners.
nescio
June 14th, 2024 at 5:31 am Reply
MW: I’m guessing the supermarket won’t sell Wilbur Hungry Man frozen dinners because he’s too pathetic to qualify.
Knocking Hats
June 14th, 2024 at 5:54 am Reply
“Hungry Guy,” “Phish Food.” The foreshadowing is all there. Stellan is indeed going into the frying pan and Wilber and she will be as one.
Weaselboy
June 14th, 2024 at 5:18 am Reply
MW – Just so I’m clear on this: a grown man is wearing a dark suit in preparation for going on a boat ride so he can toss his dead goldfish into the ocean. Got it. Carry on.
Ken
June 14th, 2024 at 5:54 am Reply
MW: I am so hoping that they’re out on the boat with Wilbur holding Stellan’s casket high as he eulogizes, and a seagull swoops in and grabs it.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
jroggs
June 14th, 2024 at 4:52 am Reply
Luann: Folderol (n) – trivial or nonsensical fuss. Huh. I would have guessed it was a recreational drug sold behind Staples and Office Depot late at night when you’re not in the mood for their wide offering of inhalants.
RMMD: What a load of folderol.
taig
June 14th, 2024 at 5:11 am Reply
FC: This proclamation from Billy makes Jeffy extra confused about the cock ring.
Baja Gaijin
June 14th, 2024 at 5:37 am Reply
Family Circus: It warms my heart to know Charlie Brown not only grew up to attract a hot girlfriend but his hair finally grew in. I wonder if he stopped kicking Lucy’s football? I guess that’s for another Family Circus strip.
Weaselboy
June 14th, 2024 at 5:41 am Reply
FC – It looks like Charlie Brown put a quarter into Zoltar and wished to be big so he could hang out with Cookie Bumstead.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Baja Gaijin
June 9th, 2024 at 8:12 am Reply
Hi and Lois: This is the beginning of a gardening-related kinky suburban porn. Why else would Thirsty be sober and upright, in more ways than one?
69. Calvin’s Cardboard Box
June 10th, 2024 at 6:40 am Reply
9CL – So, to recap, Alistair and The Twins have both aged twenty years overnight, but everyone else in the strip is still the same age. The Twins are now acknowledged to not be two separate people but just a collective that speak in unison and go everywhere together with arms around each other’s waists.
And now Alistair wants to marry both of them.
This strip has been a trainwreck for a long time, now it is upgrading to a trainwreck that then has a Boeing plane crash into it and set everything on fire.
When this all resets, will The Twins become separate five year old girls again, or just remain two halves of a single being that suddenly grew boobs and became sexually irresistible?
69. Pandrew
June 11th, 2024 at 7:21 am Reply
Phantom: The Phantom is going with Spongebob level puns now?
Congrats to pugfuggly for the COTW.
And a tip o’ th’ summer visor to
SnakyScratchy for the mention.Kudos to pugfuggly for COTW!! And congrats to all the runners-up! Thanks for the mentions, Scratchy! Have a great weekend, everybody!
Great work, pugfuggly! Congrats on COTW—and thanks for the mention, Josh!
Congrats to pugfuggly who is definitely not fugly and the rest of the floaters! And many thanks to Baja and Scratchy for the mentions!
Huzzahs to all of this week’s beknighted, and thanks as always to Baja and Scratchy for the mentions.
Thanks, Scratchy and Baja.
Congrats to Schroduck on the Shady CotW!
Thanks to Baja and Scratchy for the mentions!
Thanks for the mention. Sorry that computer problems cut down my posting ability this past week.
Thanks, Scratchy and Baja! Congrats to everyone!
My cup runneth over with mentions! Thanks, Josh, Baja, and Scratchy!
Any time I’m able to reference the characters in Shoe having cloacae, I’m happy.
Congrats to pugfuggly, everyone on the float, my fellow shadowfloaters and the scratchies! Broon Croons to jroggs, Voshkod and ettore!
Thanks Josh, Baja, and Scratchy for all the highlights and thanks to Baja and Scratchy for the mentions. Funny stuff!
Congratulations to pugfuggly and my fellow floaters and thanks, Josh, Baja, and Scratchy!
Congrats to p-f and all the excellent COTWs, and thanks to Josh (and to Baja and Scratchy) for the mentions! And please come see my jam band, Dead Goldphish, at the Santa Royale Civic Auditorium this weekend! (We only play “All By Myself” and “Cry Me a River,” but they’re each 45 minutes long.)
Yippee! Thanks!
@pugfuggly: Well-earned! It was an honor just to be nominated.
Dear Scratchy and Baja,
What takes more time, reading 7 days of every comment posted or putting together and posting the ones you are impressed with?
Congratulations to pugfuggly and the other float peeps, as well as my fellow shadow-ies and scratchies. Tips of the beret to Scratchy Scrotum LXIX, BigTed, and Charterstoned.
@I have doubts: Yes.
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX:
Clever
Thank you very much, Scratchy! In a very long list of funniness, I deeply appreciate your kindness to a little indignation.
Hail and raised glasses to the writers of the wit and the judges thereof! Excellent use was made of excellent material.
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
Fuck you very much Scratchy for the mention, and cornholes to you for inclusion on Josh’s float.
Thank you, Baja & Scratchy!
Thanks to Josh, Scratchy, and Baja.
@42 Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Seconded.
Thank you, Baja and Scratchy, and congrats to all!