Archive: metaposts

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“I like to think Gil spent the entire visit to Aaron’s mom just staring wordlessly at her until she confessed. ‘Coach Thorp! Is Aaron in some kind of trouble? Does it have to do with drugs? Or did they discover how he throws games to make our secret payoffs to the mob via an underground Mudlark gambling ring? Is that what this is about?’” –Drew Funk

The runners up? Also hilarious.

“Cherry is really making an effort here. She knows that there’s nothing more romantic to her husband than a dead-eyed recitation of nature facts in monotone.” –AndyL

“Zak: portrait of a man thinking ‘I don’t understand what’s going on here, but I don’t understand a lot of things, so she’s probably right.’” –Horace Broon

“Iris: ‘You belong with your friends. Not me. Because I’m your enemy. Watch your fucking back.’ Zak: ‘You watch it first.’ Iris: [ogles, regrets decision]” –Craig!

“The Halftracks know that they’re almost obligated to have sex with each other after this. Their expressions tell you all you need to know about how they view the prospect.” –TheDiva

“Meanwhile, back in Seattle, an alarm sounds. A terrified flunky slinks into Bezos’ office with a clipping from the Seattle Post-Intelligencer. ‘Sir … Alexa’s been featured in a comic.’ ‘That’s great! Trudeau make a joke about us? Maybe Pastis did an Alexa pun, or Bucky Cat got in a fight with her?’ Slowly, the flunky passes over the copy of Pluggers. A distant scream as a senior vice president leaps to his death. ‘Shut it down,’ Bezos says heavily, ‘shut down the entire Alexa line. It’s over.'” –Voshkod

“Slylock thinks Shady Shrew is lying because there’s no way that grotesquely swollen bear paw would fit in the mailbox. Neither would Shady Shrew’s stubby arms, of course, but somebody’s gotta take the fall. ‘Another crime cleverly foisted on someone else,’ thinks Max.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“It’s easier to imagine a plugger carrying on a conversation with a much-beloved hockey puck, the one found in the parking lot of the Ice-o-rama in the winter of ’89.” –Dood

“‘Wait, isn’t there an easier way for a conscious and perfectly lucid person to rehydrate, other than going to the hospital and and having glucose solution infused through a needle in my arm?’ ‘No.’” –BigTed

“I’m not sure the DMV has the power to reverse Funky’s excommunication. Only the Pope himself can declare Funky and his constant misery compatible with the existence of a loving god.” –Schroduck

“Karen Moy has succeeded in summarizing the human condition. ‘I just did something random, and now I’m sad. What can I do to fix this? Short of reversing course on my random decision, of course.’ Kudos, Karen.” –John, just John

“I keep a post it note at my desk to remind me that Les isn’t Funky and I encourage all to do the same.” –Trophy Boy, on Twitter

“I always knew that Mary was a harvester of human sorrow, but it seems especially cruel to make Iris collect her own tears in that cup.” –pugfuggly

“Wait, Sophie’s kidnapper took her because she thought the Spencers have too much money and they don’t deserve it? I hope everyone who reads this blog has an alibi!” –A Hero Twice a Month

“Jeffy, if you’re going to do the Little Rascals ‘three kids in an overcoat‘ routine, you’re going to need two frie– [long exhale] Look, ask Billy and Dolly.” –Dan

“According to Wikipedia, Moe Howard broke three ribs while filming Pardon My Scotch (though you may know the scene from Dizzy Detectives, where it was reused): he was standing on a platform, a table, that Curly sawed through with a power saw. The article states that, like a real trouper, ‘[Moe] was able to pull himself up and deliver a double slap to Larry and Curly before fainting.’ The point is, putting a rib girdle on the Sentry shows an amazing dedication to historical accuracy.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Bosses are the worst. Especially when they twitch awake on the floor behind you, then rise up at a 90 degree angle like a vampire out of the coffin just so they can start making comments about what you’re doing.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Just because pluggers cannot learn modern slang, it does not mean they live in the past! For example, once they thought that cats and dogs living together was a sign of of the apocalypse. Now they know that segregation is NOT cool!” –Ettore Costa

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hey everybody! Just FYI, I think I finally have my ad slots set up close enough to how I like them to offer them to you for direct sales on a CPM basis! There are some larger slots available for the same price as smaller ones in the old design — 970 x 250 images that would look great if you were advertising, say, a comic of some sort (HINT, HINT). To get started, head on over to my BuySellAds page, and feel free to email me with any questions. Advertisers who buy through BuySellAds get exclusive shoutouts in weekly metaposts like this one!

Speaking of advertising and the avoiding thereof, I want to give a shoutout to everyone who signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter and get access to the banner-ad-free version of the site. (Supporters still see text shoutouts in posts like this, if there are any.) Those of you who signed up in the days right after we launched the redesign should now be getting charged for your second month of membership — as ever, let me know if you’re encountering any technical difficulties. Faithful web designer Adam Norwood and I are still plotting a few design tweaks but I thought I’d give you a peek of some ad-free screenshots to see how the site experience is different for subscribers. Here’s the site front page:

Here’s the page for an individual post:

Here’s an individual post, just above the comments:

Here’s some screenshots of the site on mobile — the front page, and just above the comments on an individual post page:

And here’s a glimpse at the ad-free RSS feed (keep in mind that how yours will look varies based on your feed reader):

All this glory can be yours, for the low low price of $3 a month, charged automatically to your credit card, which you can cancel any time if you’d like! But wait, did someone say … premium commenting features? No, because I almost forgot about them, but Supporters get to edit their comments (up to 10 minutes after posting them) and also get a what-you-see-is-what-you-get editor that lets you add bold, italics, etc., without using HTML. Here’s what those look like:

If you’re interested, get started here!

And after all that ado, we now present … your comment of the week:

“Maybe Wilson is like a phoenix who must undergo periodic combustion and rebirth. Knowing that there’s no escape from his hellish samsara would certainly be cause for a poor temperament.” –Dood

Your runners up are also funny and delightful!

“Mr. Dithers is not wearing a Tom Brady jersey? We find that baffling, to say the least.” –Fashion Police

“I feel sorry for Ditto. There’s no sadder, more grueling form of rebellion than rooting for the Browns in defiance of your Steelers-fan father.” –Rob Carlson

“Let’s see … egg, egg, egg … hmmm, what’s that on the desk? I guess animal society still isn’t too advanced in Portable Vape Technology.” –pugfuggly

‘An alien warrior with a ray gun,’ MJ? Please. He’s a raccoon. A raccoon in little orange jumpsuit. Look, he’s skipping. He’s literally skipping.” –Joe Blevins

“That is clearly a male snake. Comic strip convention dictates that female animals — even non-mammals — have long eyelashes. I conclude that Count Weirdly is leaving chocolate eggs as a Valentine’s Day gift for his precious senpai.” –A Concerned Reader

Loweezy’s mouth in the second panel is pretty scary. She looks like she’s about to suck conches off the sea floor and rip them from their shells, as she endlessly patrols the lagoon.” –BeckoningChasm

‘She doesn’t want anything to do with us.’ ‘Well, actually, neither do I. Who would?’” –seismic-2

But I know who might be able to help. It’s this dead teenage girl wrapped in a parka that I’m holding. I’ll toss the corpse down the stairs and then start screaming at her, ‘Sophie! It could be worse! You could be dead! So snap outta it, girl!’” –Voshkod

“The middle of math class is definitely the best time to break out the 18th-century invention trivia. ‘Now, who can tell me what four plus five eq … oh who cares, let’s learn about the Newcomen atmospheric engine.’” –Schroduck

“Wait until Lois hears about the research proving that infusions of young people’s blood actually can slow the aging process in older people. Trixie’s gonna grow up real fast when she sees that needle.” –BigTed

“If Trixie’s going to aspire to some sort of unnatural growth, she might want to concentrate on growing a couple extra fingers.” –Dan

Re: Iris’s sleeves: “But I thought theirs was a NO FRILLS relationship! No love, no bonding, just straight up bonking from every position Advil would allow her to get into.” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Adding to the eroticism is the fact that those are the most testicular coconuts ever put into a comic strip. But I can’t decide which is more erotic: the panel with two or the panel with three. Different strokes, folks.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Good night and thank you dear Zachary/ You cleaned her garage/ But your hip entourage/ Bores her now” –Chyron HR

Today’s Blondie is the proof-of-concept for a Ned Ryerson spin-off movie that literally no one is asking for.” –Red Delicious

“Friday Fun Fact! The funeral practice known as a ‘sky burial’ involves leaving a human corpse on a mountaintop to be eaten by carrion birds. Does the Shoeniverse have a similar ‘land burial’ where dead bird bodies are eaten by humans? How different is that from reality? Really makes ya think.” –Chareth Cutestory

That outburst, my friends, is one of the classic symptoms of Cotton Gin Toxicity.” –Maltmash3r

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! You all are the real heroes.

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Y’ALL! You are aware that I am the HOST of a MONTHLY LIVE COMEDY SHOW in SUNNY LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, are you not? If you’re not familiar with this event, it’s calle The Internet Read Aloud, and it features hilarious people making hilarious jokes, about and derived from … the Internet! Plus me! I tell jokes too! Anyway, you should come to tonight’s show, it’ll be off the chain, plus it’ll be over by 9 so you can go home and get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

More information is here, on the Facebook!

Anyhoo, now is the time when we all enjoy the comment of the week!

“Pluggers know better than to patronize any business whose name includes ‘State Farm’. That’s Communism, and, from what they can tell from the nightly news, Communist countries don’t even HAVE coupons.” –Here come the Judge

Along with the runners up! They’re very funny!

“Something, something, Gallop poll.” –A Concerned Reader

Slylock Fox: NCIS” –Uncle Lumpy

“It’s a good thing that Animaltopia hasn’t yet evolved to the point of recreating the more sophisticated aspects of human supply-chain management. ‘Does Slylock take the container labeled UDS2345923 or UXDE452345?’” –Dmsilev

“In other news, Rusty calls ‘Mom’ a soulless, dead-eyed woman whose very existence has been reduced to (literally) feeding Mark’s strange sexual appetites. Flapjacks. I’m talking about flapjacks. Don’t think for a moment that Rusty hasn’t noticed and is taking mental notes about his adopted mother/gimp/cook-figure.” –pastordan

“‘I still can’t choose a career path! Please, liberate me from the burden of free will!’ ‘Well, you are writing to the right person.’” –Ettorre

“It was near twenty years since Wilson had left his life as a mob hitman but the trade that had served him so well was about to end this menace to his sanity. The gun nestled gently in the fake cast. The target close at hand. For the first time in years, Mr. Wilson felt alive.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Maybe that look on his face is because he realizes that no-one likes him enough to have a memorial run when he dies.” –Maltmash3r

“Peter Parker looks mad. If he finds those no-good punks who want to desecrate Ancestral Pueblo petroglyphs by adding a new one, he’ll tear them a new one with the proportional new-one-tearing ability of a spider.” –Schroduck

“In straight up medical terms, he’s got a funky on his bean.” –Dood

“I’d say that this is a perfect chance to talk about life after death, but I don’t want to ‘floss-ifize.’ Get it? Flo-aaAAAAAHHH–[has soul harvested]” –pugfuggly

“Pluggers go to the doctor constantly, yet they’re still unfamiliar with the routine.” –TheDiva

“‘Expect the second on the next day at the same hour. The third upon the next day when the last stroke of twelve has ceased to vibrate.’ ‘I’m afraid the office is closed at noon for lunch. Can the third spirit show up at, say, 1:15?’ ‘Uh, yes, that’ll do.’ ‘OK! Here’s an appointment card. Don’t forget to floss!’” –Voshkod

“He looks like he just found a buyer for both his kidneys.” –Brian Byrne, on Twitter

That mass that showed up on your scan was nothing more than a harmless water-filled cyst. At first I thought it must be your brain scan, ha ha ha ha! No, but seriously, you have cancer.” –Mikey

“Not only a closeup of the Phantom’s ass, but the vivid onomatopoeic FOOMP! of flatulence so foul it can incapacitate a man.” –Steve S

“‘Yes, like a leaf barely clinging to a branch Bumstead is literally dying right in front of us. Not even he could sleep in that position so he’s obviously having a heart attack or some sort of seizure but after all these years I just can’t bring myself to care. Instead his mortality has inspired lyricism in me. Like Wallace Stevens the humdrum of office work causes me to conceive of poetry as a world on a table. Well,’ Mr. Dithers removed his glasses and thoughtfully cleaned them. ‘Someone should probably call a doctor.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dithers’ poetry needs some analysis. First line, images of icing and cake, like a birthday cake, a celebration of life. Next line is dismal death. If I remember collegiate English lit class, that’s either shitty poetry or ‘juxtaposition.’ (Pro tip: just using the word ‘juxtaposition’ gives you an automatic B at minimum.)” –Hogenmogen

“A ‘Now is the winter of our discontent’ reading would have fit well with Dithers’s whole… well. Y’know. [waves hand up and down] All that.” –Dan

“The freckle-faced kid has a lot in common with Gil. They both love spinning elaborate theories about Aaron, but the people closest to them don’t seem to care. Hopefully, by the end of this storyline, Gil and Alfalfa will meet up and exchange notes. ‘Remember Career Day in 6th grade?’ ‘Like it was yesterday. Continue.’” –Joe Blevins

And I must give a huge thanks to all the extremely kind people who signed up to be a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter, put some scratch in my tip jar or backed me on Patreon! I’m taking a moratorium on ad buys because we’re still tweaking the ad slots, but look for exciting ways you can advertise on this site come 2017!

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