“My favourite part of this strip is Pete’s face. See that expression? That’s Pete ‘not worrying about it’. That’s just how he lives his life, every day.” –pugfuggly

“Wikipedia tells me Point Dume was the filming location for the final scene in Planet of the Apes, a fact that leads me to hope this will end with Les kneeling outside the charred remains of the Lisa’s Story soundstage screaming ‘You bastards, you burned it up!’” –TheDiva

“I wanted to be angry at the smug look on Mindy’s dad’s face, but then I realized he lives in the Funkyverse and being one of the original Starbuck Jones Junior Spacemen of America was probably the last moment of joy and happiness he was allowed to experience so I’m going to let it slide this time.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“My house is on your way, so you can give me a ride?” –Foodar

“‘So anyway, I was on one knee…’ ‘You proposed to her before she accepted the job?’ ‘No, I had this bitchin scooter … the masses would part before me as I scooted … I was a God…’” –DevOpsDad

“I’m starting to think Dustin’s unemployability is part of some strange cosmic balance, where he can’t hold down a job because his dad is too firmly and irreversibly attached to his job. I say this because this is the first time I’ve seen someone grocery shopping in a full suit and tie.” –Mr. A

“Treasure this moment, June. It will be the last moment Rex will think of you before making a decision. Treasure it.” –Jenna

“What are those sheets of paper Loretta Lockhorn is reading, you might ask? Emails. Emails she prints out in full color on the high quality setting. Emails with subjects like ‘FW: FW: FW: Re: FW: U just cant make this Stuff up!!’” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter

“Climate change killing the cast of Funky Winkerbean will likely make people think it’s less a problem than a solution. The Pulitzer Committee is unlikely to approve this message.” –Where’s Rocky

“Why two bowls? Apparently the one she is stirring is the only one she cares about enough to summon Mary. The other one is probably Ian’s dinner, which she doesn’t care about at all.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Choosing to believe Toby has like three of these crises a week, and Mary is constantly muting her phone while advising people with moderate-to-real problems. She befriended this woman years ago just naturally assuming she’d eventually have an affair or something and need advice, and instead texts are piling up like ‘911 SOUFFLÉ FELL’ and ‘CAN’T FIND SHOES PLZ ADVISE’” –Dan

“Wait though … do pluggers know how to use horizontal and vertical hold knobs?? Because I’m just old enough to remember having those when I was a kid, and I’m pretty sure their usage did not involve bear-hugging the TV.” –ratnerstar

“Our next exhibit, that of Leroy Lockhorn, demonstrates the master’s touch, as he shatters perceptions of reality with this construction of what superficially appears to be a humble lamp table or end piece. In reality, he brings to the forefront the inability of humans to meaningfully reach out to their fellows, or to form lasting relationships that bring harmony and inner peace. Note that the seeming chaos is actually perfectly planned out, as truly random construction would wind up with gaps. No, we are all held fast, in a trap if you will, devoid of meaning, trying to achieve the unachievable and yet achieving something quite different and subtly horrifying. The misery will never end — for the table, for Lockhorn himself, nor for you and for me as well.” –bone

“Sarah would have been better off asking about the origin of June’s current hairstyle. ‘I noticed in the flashbacks, you had a ponytail, Mom. When did your hair go from being practical and efficient to being super practical and efficient?’” –Joe Blevins

“Rice Krispies? RICE KRISPIES? What kind of nothing garbage are we being sold here? This kid is a Marshmallow Fruity Pebbles kid. Froot Loops or Honey Smacks, probably. Chocolate Krave, no doubt. Count Chocula and Frankenberry and Cap’n Crunch, preferably mixed in the same bowl in some kind of zombie recipe. But, NOT A CEREAL THAT A TWENTY-SOMETHING MIGHT CHOOSE AS PART OF THE LATEST ODDBALL WEIGHT LOSS DIET! WHAT NEXT, SPECIAL K OR ALL-BRAN? THIS IS NOT MENACING AT ALL!” –Just John

“Well, right now they’re in Current Affairs. Because I’m an idiot. I can’t tell any type of reading material apart. A big fat novel looks like a magazine or a newspaper to me. It’s no accident these books don’t have anything on their covers. I order them that way, because I become confused and enraged when I have to see words. I named my bookstore ‘Books.’ God, I’m dumb.” –made of wince

“Norway doesn’t get all that hot, even in mid-summer. So Hagar and Eddie aren’t sweating because of the temperature — they’re just very, very serious alcoholics.” –BigTed

“I feel that we’ve really bitten into the idea that this elderly woman is Melissa Claridge to our detriment. What if we’re not wiping out that part of the Rex Morgan, M.D. continuity, but instead revealing that Rex has long been harangued by a near-constant stream of elderly white women?” –Corynaut

“Well at least Madi is getting a head start on learning that she can’t rely on any of the men in her family! Who wants to bet she won’t be nearly as torn up inside when her dad eventually dies?” –Lionheart

“Out of every expression in that last panel, it’s Cookie’s that concerns me the most: the voice bubble says ‘Yay!’ but her face looks haunted, as if she just remembered the bag of shit-stained guest towels she has to discretely dispose of under cover of darkness.” –pugfuggly

“Look, conservation of mass implies that whatever goes into Dagwood eventually has to come out of Dagwood. Toilet paper is serious business in that household, is what I’m getting at.” –Dmsilev

“Sorry about this, Catfox, but you can’t go home until you decide which species you want to be.” –jroggs

“I believe they meant 1952’s Zombies of the Stratosphere in which Nimoy did appear. As Crankshaft himself might say, ‘They mixed their movie-phors.’” –Sir Bagsby

“I’m proud of you, son, for showing your baby a weird and irrelevant movie that he is far too young to enjoy or even remember! My standards are exceptionally low.” –Mr. A

“Aging, his vitality running low, the healer seeks a younger man to perform the ritual mating so the practice may continue. The mysterious village elder has already spoken to him about it. With any luck, this ends with some sort of large structure with Rex inside it being set on fire.” –matt w

“Let’s see, six suits. Business suit, casual suit, white suit for the summer, hazmat suit, lawsuit for hiding in that lady’s closet, and fursuit (just because he’s a bear doesn’t mean his fursona is a bear).” –Voshkod

“Is Dennis holding a carton of cigarettes? Gotta start ’em young!” –Lord Flatulence

“Today’s Crankshaft strip informs us that portions of the 1935 movie serial The Phantom Empire were filmed in the Bronson Canyon section of Griffith Park (as were a host of other movies and TV shows over the years, on account of its proximity to Hollywood). It should also be noted that Bronson Canyon got its name from the Bronson Caves contained within it, and they in turn were named for the nearby Bronson Avenue, which also gave its name to the Bronson Gate entrance to Paramount Studios, which was the source of the name that Charles Buchinsky chose when he became actor Charles Bronson. I point this story out because it is just as boring and pointless as today’s episode of Crankshaft.” –seismic-2

“Look at the Perfesser in that second panel. Look how he’s staring directly at us, the readers. That’s not the goggle-eyed gaze of someone reacting to a bad joke. No, that’s the horrified look of someone who has finally seen through the fourth wall. He thought he was just looking out a window, but he has looked out of his own existence to our greater reality. His eyes have widened in existential horror as he realized that he is just a character in a legacy comic strip. He has no objective reality. He can never truly die, just as he has never truly lived, and the shock of that realization is drawn in every line on his face. Or maybe he’s pooping his pants.” –RichterCa

“Grimm is an Uber executive so it just doesn’t feel right to him if he’s not crapping all over a driver.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Maybe it’s me, but it seems a bad idea to play cute with the shelving of a book that’s getting a profile-raising miniseries on CBS All Access.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Rex understands that common courtesy dictates that you end conversations with ‘Nice meeting you,’ even if it’s insincere, but he has yet to grasp that at some point you’re allowed if not expected to ask ‘What’s your name’ or ‘What do you do around here.’” –Jenna

“Just remember, you’re playing someone who knows every single one of my warts and flaws. Think of what you already know about me, and then imagine someone who knows all that and much, much more, yet can still say ‘I love you’ without retching.” –Morgan Wick

“Olive oil can falls on woman’s toe and only causes a bruise! Bruise looks vaguely like France! Darkest part of the bruise is in the general location of Rennes-le-Château! Woman dies of blood poisoning while researching the Merovingian dynasty!” –Voshkod

“Remember how excited Rusty got when he was just talking about Jeremy Cartwright? Remember how Mark chastised him for getting too excited? Can you imagine what their respective reactions will be if Jeremy actually stays at their house? What I’m saying is, Mark may have to put Rusty down.” –Mr. A

“I like how nothing in today’s Rex Morgan indicates that it’s a flashback, Rex isn’t even notably de-aged, so it just looks like some deranged old woman is berating him for not cheating on his wife.” –Dan

“‘Two Leses cannot meet each other!’ ‘Does it put the time-space continuum in jeopardy?’ ‘No, it would just be extremely annoying.'” –Ettore_Costa, on Twitter

“Has Hi and Lois acknowledged the COVID lockdown? From Lois’ exasperation, it seems like yes, which makes Hi’s actions (i.e., getting dressed up in a suit to wander around in the rain just to feel normal and escape his horrible family) darkly hilarious.” –pugfuggly

“No thanks, Cherry! We will be eating lunch at A Local Restaurant.” –GeoGreg

“How dare Cartwright interrupt my explanations of every plant and animal on the table to complain that the meat was ‘so dangerously undercooked a well-trained vet could have brought it back to life.’ I tell you Cherry, the nerve of these coastal elites to demand their food be safe for human consumption!” –Corynaut

“A plugger’s version of ‘sweet afternoon delight’ is fighting cognitive decline by making it to the last letter of the alphabet without having to stop.” –grsblvnyk

“‘Say, Nick — do you know who that woman was?‘ ‘What woman? I didn’t see anyone. Unless you mean Melissa Claridge, the ghost who was murdered here 40 years ago, and who now wanders the halls, trying to entice lonely doctors into sexual-harassment suits.’” –BigTed

“Who says Jeremy Cartwright is a discourteous jerk? When someone brags about how their dad ‘takes them’ to their own backyard ‘all the time,’ promptly changing the subject is far kinder than anything I’d have to say in response.” –jroggs

“‘I need a drink!’ ‘What luck! There’s a whole lake of fresh, clean, cool water right behind you, Mr. Cartwright! [begins expounding on geological history of the Lost Forest watershed starting with the Carboniferous period as if he were describing the action-packed plot of a Jeremy Cartwright movie]” –Effluvius Erratus