“YES! The grueling, meaningless life uneventful!! That’s the ticket!!!” –Dennis Jimenez

“I like how Dagwood immediately gets back into bed after doing his one thing for his wife on Mother’s Day. I mean, it was assumed that he wouldn’t be doing the laundry, but he wants to make it crystal clear.” –pugfuggly

“Today’s strips show the duality of Comic Strip Time: I am torn between pointing out that Thel should be listening to a phone, not a boombox, and observing that having Dagwood say ‘chillax’ should be punishable by death.” –matt w

“I get that ‘Old Turtle’ is Boss Tweed, but I’m pretty sure the merry-go-round in the center was supposed to be labeled ‘Teapot Dome.’ Whoever’s in charge of maintaining the Thomas Nast Playground is falling down on the job.” –Peanut Gallery

“Big Daddy Keane has not yet given Thel the Mother’s Day gift she most longs for: a vasectomy.” –Ettorre

“Just spitballing here, but if I’m a homicidal maniac, the focus of my rage would shift to whoever in nearest proximity has just eaten a garlic-cheddar concoction.” –Hibbleton

“I see Plugger Bear and Plugger Kangaroo are watching the movie Spotlight. No, not the 2015 film about the Boston Globe’s investigation into sex abuse in the Diocese of Boston which won an Oscar for Best Picture, but the 2019 movie that just features a spotlight shining for 215 minutes of blinding headaches which nevertheless took first place at a film festival for moths.” –Voshkod

“Honestly, if I become a ghost and it turns out I can still eat, I’m basically going to be Slimer from Ghostbusters. I’m not going to think ‘What’s a healthy breakfast cereal for ghosts that’s low in sugar and good for the digestive system?’ I’m already dead! Who cares?” –Horace Broon

“The real horror will come when they remodel the house and make everything in there flat gray.” –Liam

“The artist put the finishing touches on the haunted house … it was perfect … he could add nothing more. He stared wistfully at his framed degree of Fine Arts from UCLA hanging on the wall of his cubicle, then took a long drink from the bottle he kept in his desk and then sketched in the generic, nearly featureless people and background. He would take an early and a long lunch today weeping in the supply closet.” –Old Man Shadow

“Ahhhhhhh! Weird, looming close-up of Rex Morgan’s nurse lady! Is … is she about to eat my village?” –A Grave Mind

“This strip is painfully out of touch with modern parenting. In reality, there would be precisely one thing Marvin wants to watch, and he would demand to watch it over and over and over and over again. If Jenny’s lucky, it’ll be Bluey. If she’s unlucky, it’ll some unbearable CGI Chinese nursery rhyme slop. If she wished on a monkey’s paw, it’ll be video games. Marvin, too young to understand the mechanics of Mario but yelling at her to do impossible things and jump on spikes repeatedly, then crying every time Mario dies.” –Schroduck

“Augie has now involved a women’s shelter in an active homicide investigation. Not only will the shelter workers have to deal with the cops (who will impound the truck and then auction it off later), they’ll also have to do extra paperwork. And then if the police report and/or court transcript makes their physical address public, they’ll have to relocate for security purposes. So yeah, way to go, Mr. Nice Guy … you just single-handedly shut down the local women’s shelter. Your Nobel Prize is in the mail.” –Veronica!

“Marvin, the first comic of the post-feminism regime, where a woman’s place is being squeezed onto a love seat with her father while her son — literally and with obvious delight — shits on her.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I love that Shoe in general, and the Perfesser in particular, have always been ’70s coded and clearly the product of a political cartoonist. The Perfesser looks like Walter Matthau portraying Tip O’Neill.” –Cris (without an H), on BlueSky

“This isn’t some light self-deprecation from Hi; that’s some serious self-pity. You can tell by the way the Mood Wallpaper has turned from green to yellow.” –Guts Dozier

“I’m not surprised that the Perfesser takes ‘seasick pills’ (aka prescription-grade muscle relaxers) in the bath, since that probably increases the relaxing high. It may not be worth the risk of drowning, but to each their own.” –BigTed

“That’s right, Leroy, keep it up. Hostas thrive on shade.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“That’s not a spoon. That’s a straw. Martha has finally decided to wire George’s jaw shut. This time the diet will work, God damn it! Why she decided to also sew his eyes shut is less clear.” –moscowtheclown

“Today’s Shoe is actually a clever remark on the tradeoffs of civilization. We grant the sovereign a monopoly on the legitimate use of force out of the fear of violent death that is omnipresent in the state of nature, understanding that we thereby create NEW risks if such concentrated power is misused by an ill-constituted sovereign. And so it is with the birds in Shoe — in the state of nature Senator Belfry would face no risk of falling down the stairs, because he is a bird and can fly, but he gave up that for the greater overall security that comes from wearing clothes over his wings to do stupid bits.” –James

“Of course, it would be great if anyone in the family’s younger generation ever got an A on a test or some kind of sports honor, or even a congratulatory letter, that could be posted on the refrigerator. But until that day comes, at least Hi can laugh at slightly worse kids, like Dennis the Menace, or long-departed losers like Charlie Brown. Bet their refrigerators are sad as heck!” –BigTed

“And then Dennis got expelled from Heaven for rebelling against God. It was all covered in John Milton’s Dennis the Menace.” –Liam

“All of time and space are converging on a single point: Crankshaft’s grill. He’ll need to detonate it to jumpstart a new universe.” –Johnny lt

“All of my issues with the new art style in Gil Thorp can be forgiven now that we have been given the gift of Colonel Clambake. Is he stealing a new type of valor now???” –M. histrionica, on BlueSky

“The first rule of Plugger Fight Club is that no-one remembers about Plugger Fight Club.” –pugfuggly

“Finally, some good news from Pluggers! If it bleeds, we can kill it!” –Ettorre

“You can tell Phil’s hip and stylish because he’s wearing a black t-shirt under a sport coat. Luann? Sleek and sophisticated in her little black dress, with a pop of color! Mrs. Horner is experienced and comfortable in her black cardigan. Bernice, as is his practice, wears the colors of our Savior’s passion year-round. Can you guess which one of these people will die a virgin? (Spoiler: they all will, this is Luann.)” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Lets all get to know each other better, people I see pretty much every goddamn day!” –2+2=7

“In the Luann universe, inviting a bunch of people over to eat lasagna is the closest you can get to an orgy.” –ectojazzmage

“In most jurisdictions, police cars are white and covered in lights and reflective panels so they can speed relatively safely through traffic. But why give away your position to criminals like that? Better to just paint your police car charcoal black all over, including the headlights. On balance, the extra road deaths are slightly outweighed by the extra criminal deaths!” –Schroduck

“Shan’t leave this evidence behind, wouldn’t be cricket now, would it? Her Majesty dasn’t even think of such a thing, God Save Her. Anyway, the bobbies are on the way, pip pip, old boy, and toodles to the incriminating little blighters. Man, why did I wait so long to get in line at villain college. That’s why I ended up as British Internal Monologue Man. Well, at least I beat out old Billy and didn’t end up as Cockney Rhyming Boy, or I’d be right Brahms and Liszt!” –Voshkod

“Mary Worth’s grey vegan lasagna or Belle Batsfry’s colorful, poisoned lasagna: which would you eat?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I always keep the salt and pepper shaker 3 feet away because my food is wonderful on its own.” –beer farmer

“‘I’m glad to have your company, Dawn,’ Mary says, as if she is some helpless shut-in, when she is in fact omnipresent and omnipotent.” –Violet

“‘This date is going great!,’ thinks Dustin. ‘She’s so concerned about my appearance that she hasn’t noticed my personality yet.’” –Nevin, on Patreon

“These strips are so unrealistic. Niki thinking far enough in advance to reserve a table? And doing it successfully? Preposterous.” –Hibbleton

“Lady, the two of you have the exact same face except you’re wearing lipstick. Let’s not throw stones here.” –Dan

“‘Going to Lou’s to see Big Sandy’ sounds vaguely mob-related. Especially when combined with a job as a mechanic. What if Niki joins the mob as a goodfella? What if it ropes in Rex and he gets blackmailed to be a mob doctor? What if interesting and bonkers Rex Morgan plot twists happened in the strip instead of just in my brain?” –Drew Funk

“If you’re the kind of snobby high-brow whose idea of art is a framed square of neon pink, you deserve to be torn apart by a furry cult.” –Schroduck

“I like that Dustin’s dad seems to have jumped straight into his flower defense the second he stepped in the door. ‘What are you looking at? It’s not unusual for me to bring home flowers for your mother! I have a well-established pattern of buying flowers for her! No, what would be weird was if I didn’t buy flowers for her, because I knew some kind of tragedy had befallen her, in which I might be involved. But I have no such knowledge, so all of this is very normal! Boy, look at the time: 5:18. Yes, I am back in the house at 5:18, which is at least 35 minutes from the quarry…’” –pugfuggly

“I was going to say this lack of realism didn’t matter because Mary Worth readers don’t know anyone in their early twenties, but then I remembered that’s exactly who staffs their assisted living facilities.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Why does Meg look so smugly satisfied in panel three? My guess is that she has an entire, surprisingly-popular subreddit devoted to her parents’ terrible marriage, and she can’t wait to tell them all about this latest pathetic incident.” –Joe Blevins

“I assume Andy Capp is unqualified to be a human statue because he starts to get the DT shakes if he goes without beer for more than hour.” –Guts Dozier

“Murder at the Bookstore Burning? Isn’t that just ‘arson?’ Arson in the Addlepate’s Attic. That one’s for free.” –Voshkod

“The ironic part is that they’re all lining up to buy Lillian’s book just so they can burn it.” –Cleveland Mocks

“And just like that, helpless, whiny Summer is all blasé and cool. ‘Just my stalker, who got murdered by some dying guy, who then gave my new boyfriend his truck. No biggie.’”–MKay

“This is my friend Mike. He’s a six-year-old middle-aged trucker from 1975.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Does Summer think that her daughter would hear about the murder and just brush it off? Kelly might be a former rebel turned milquetoast moll, but she’s not a soulless Morgan child.” –Needless Exposition

“That a man joined the army without knowing its basic function and still rose to the rank of one-star general is only slightly less believable than that man is also a bird.” –Hibbleton

“‘Holy cow, somebody sure screwed up the line breaks in this epitaph.’ ‘Oh well! No biggie, it’s not carved in — aw, nuts.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Chicken marsala is never very good. It’s the least interesting of the Italian-American scaloppina dishes. Just sautéed chicken in a reduced sauce of Marsala wine, garlic, and a hella lot of butter. Alice’s Mom’s secret ingredient was that she spit in it.” –Ukulele Ike

“You really want that chicken marsala recipe? Dig then! You’ll find it in my cold, dead hands. Bon appétit!… unless this is completely the wrong grave. Kind of hard to be sure in this cemetery where names aren’t used on headstones.” –Umma

“Hi! I’m a wacky, fun-loving (and slightly murderous) character who just traveled across the country unannounced for a fling! Also, I’m a woman in a Mary Worth comic, so I’m going to spend every evening of that spontaneous vacation cooking dinner!” –Nevin, on Patreon

“I kinda thought that the zzzzzs were the cars, and that Harold had found the blessed white light of death, sans Gertie. Keep trying, Harold.” –A Grave Mind

“Gearhead Gertie being strongly against F1 is such an interesting move to me. It’s the only comic I can think of about motorsports, but they’ve chosen to alienate a big chunk of motorsports enthusiasts. It would be like if Gil Thorp refused to acknowledge hockey as a sport, or if every Sunday Rex Morgan, M.D., strip was dedicated to his unending disdain for gastroenterologists.” –Tristan Olson

“I can’t stop wondering why Dawn’s hair is flying out behind her but Wilbur’s combover is just staying glued to his scalp, even though they’re both rushing to the living room at the same speed. It’s come to this.” –Charterstoned

“You can tell this romance is real because Kelly literally forgets about her boyfriend’s existence while talking to other people and when reminded of it says dully, ‘Oh, yeah. Him.’ Romeo and Juliet, move over! There’s a new standard for pure, eternal love in town!” –Chance

“In the black-and-white version in our local dead tree, I thought the picture was of Washington crossing the Delaware. Good to see I can get a full-color version on Komics Kondom and realize it’s a bowl of flowers crossing the Delaware.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX