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I’m not going to make any more 4/20 jokes, because it should be obvious to everyone that I’m extremely square, but here, this is your comment of the week and it’s funny:

“Iris may have moved on, but Wilbur can still drink from the ‘DAT ASS’ mug she gave him.” –nescio

And here are your hilarious runners up!

“These two wouldn’t be the first starry-eyed Hollywood writers to base their careers around cliches they learned from a 1980s movie about starry-eyed Hollywood writers, but they’re probably the first non-prostitutes whose vanity license plate will be read by others as as ‘TUB-RUB.’” –BigTed

“Is ‘[getting] their fingerprints on the brass ring‘ a euphemism for suicide?” –Damien

“Panel number two is an exact replicate of the Showerhead-Wilburhead panel used in the strip two Sundays ago. Over the next few weeks this repetition will become more and more frequent, until the strip is nothing but a forever repeating image of Wilbur taking a shower, page after page, the image cut and pasted continuously by the Russian bot that slowly took over Mary Worth using information gleaned from the settings on Karen Moy’s Facebook account. The future is going to suck even harder than we thought it would.” –Hopester

“Sly just happened to catch Weirdly’s show? Or was Sly trying to learn why TERRIBLE TV regularly trounces The Sleuth Network (proud producer of Sly’s reality show Fox You)?” –Hogenmogen

“Considering Wilbur dumped his ex so work would pay for him to travel the world and date hot Brazilian dancers, his moist showery ennui is extra delicious. ‘I’ve lived and seen more than a hundred other men but the ex-girlfriend I never really liked is dating again and therefore life is a bleak pointless existence broken only by shoe shopping and bathtime.’” –Escape Zeppelin

“Only a true monster would use a mixed metaphor like ‘ferret out a king-size scoop.’ That is a mixed metaphor, right? ‘Cause I’m sitting here trying to picture a ferret holding a gigantic scoop in its little forepaws. Actually, that’s adorable. Jameson, all is forgiven.” –Joe Blevins

“Knife-throwing on the beach by a guy with no depth perception? Nope, I don’t see a downside.” –Pozzo

“I was working on a riff on how they have him chained to the easel and he can’t eat or go to the bathroom until he meets his quota. But, it’s all there in the text. The retired old man wants to take a break in order to attend the wedding of the dullest couple in the universe, but he can’t because exploiting the old man’s work is making his son and the dull couple rich and they need to work him day and night to squeeze as much out of him as possible before he dies.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“The real triumph here is that no one who draws this has ever seen or held a phone.” –Dani Roach, on Facebook

“I have some bad news. Your dressing gown cuff is trailing in your breakfast, and you’ve got egg all down your sleeve. And is that a Pop Tart? Are you just eating Pop Tarts, fried eggs and bacon for breakfast? Have some self-respect, man! Oh yeah, and we’re pivoting to video, you’re fired, bye.” –Schroduck

“Mrs. Mitchell seems to be the one with a medical problem. Irritable bowel? Weak bladder? The sudden collapse of several vertebrae? She certainly needs the doctor to *winkwink* check her out. [’70s porn music plays on the radio]” –JeffCG

“‘Actually, I think we can!‘ Everyone suddenly remembers that they don’t even need superpowers to snap JJJ’s neck and feed him to the gators. Maybe they can use their knowledge of, idk, science or something to cover the DNA trail if they have to make this complicated.” –Tonya

“I would have guessed that Dr. Connors’s life was already ruined when he developed the condition of turning into a monstrous lizard.” –Ettorre

“Based on the books, here’s what Dirty has worked out. He knows that Rusty has made a pet of the escaped circus tiger. All Dirty has to do is find a simple, reliable way for a one-eyed man to knock out Mark Trail, then find a way to make him appetizing for the tiger. Something will go wrong, but if it gets us some big-kitty artwork I’m all for it.” –Schrödinger’s Droopy

“I question Dirty’s commitment to this because I see neither a highlighter nor little Post-It notes sticking out of Weapons For Dummies.” –Kevin On Earth

“If you want to raid the Flagstons’ medicine cabinet, just ring their doorbell, say ‘I’m Chip’s new friend,’ then walk right in!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“We all assume that it’s the chickens that are the victims about to make statements, but I think it’s probably just as likely that they’re the attorneys.” –pugfuggly

“Yes, the syndicate is going to ‘fight these drops‘. They’re going to play hardball: ‘If you want to keep running Funky Winkerbean, you’re going to have to keep running Ask Wendy. Hello? Hello?’” –Ned Ryerson

“Hey, they’re right! They’re not worthy! I could be happily retired and just making occasional convention appearances. What am I doing teaming up with a couple of idiots whose moods suddenly and constantly shift between confusion, nausea, and rapturous ecstasy?” –JJ48

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Fiends of the Hub: Boston is under siege. Hungry, vicious, and wild, these vampires want only to feed. Can they be stopped before they destroy it all?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Metapost: Podcasted COTWs!

Hey folks! Your comment of the week in a moment, but first, a fun link: I was on the podcast of the great Nathan Rabin, an entertainment writer who you might remember as the guy who coined the term “Manic Pixie Dream Girl,” and we talked about two subjects near and dear to my heart: The Lockhorns, and the animated Garfield: His Nine Lives special. It was a super fun convo and you should check it out!

You know what’s also super fun? Your comment of the week!

“‘I’ll buy these NEW SNEAKERS and walk amidst the flora and fauna!‘ is a phrase that neatly makes it clear that Wilbur has never been outside before, or possibly even encountered a pair of sneakers? He’ll probably walk out of there holding a basketball.” –Jack Loves Comics

And your runners up! They too are enjoyable!

“I feel like this is the only place for me to talk about how uncomfortable that brush is making me. You can’t bring that type of brush into the shower with you! It will take forever to dry out enough to be usable and it will never dry out completely. Give it another couple of weeks and Wilbur will just be leaving a dusting of black mold on his scalp whenever he tries to fix his combover. This, more than anything else he has ever done, is clearly a cry for help.” –Tiffany StPeter, on Facebook

“‘Long before videos, folks spent an evening looking at exciting stereopticon slides in 3 dimensions!‘ Presumably, Walt is yelling this in the middle of a Starbucks where the customers are all on their phones.” –Joe Blevins

“‘Wonder eye’ certainly is today’s rage. Looking at it makes me absolutely furious.” –Hergen

“Rex is giving Justin that cup of water with the same heartfelt persuasiveness that the witch gave Snow White the apple.” –Pozzo

“Just a sip of water … which you will earn once you pin me. Get up, barfy, this is for your own good.” –pugfuggly

“Ah, the two words Mary loves hearing the most: ‘You’re right!’” –Bryan J. Simmons, on Facebook

“‘Young man, you’ll sit in that corner until you learn to curb th’ wordplay!’ ‘Now I know why they call it PUNishment.’ ‘AAARGH!’” –Peanut Gallery

“Wilbur cried because he had no shoes. Until he met a man with no feet. Then he accosted the man with no feet to explain that his misery was greater, because his girlfriend left him just because of one little, look, it doesn’t matter why, the important thing is” –Dan

“I guess I tend to view Wilbur as rather a mopey sad-sack, but honestly, someone who looks like Wilbur — or just generally is Wilbur — yet doesn’t feel Mother Nature has played him very foul indeed must have a pretty positive outlook.” –Violet

“Is… is that poison? Maybe Billy is in a bad mood because the toxins are kicking in.” –Willow Jordan

“N-No! Don’t want to fight! Only want to shove!” –Hogenmogen

“Just imagine if Mary Worth used the actual name of the sporting goods store. ‘Hey, Wilbur, good to see you here at Dick’s. Speaking of dicks, Zak sure has a nice one.’” –Andrew

“Not only is James Renner a real author, but ‘Ohioana Book Festival’ is a real event! This weekend! With Tom Batiuk in attendance, hawking the Lisa’s Legacy trilogy! Crankshaft has achieved Peak Tiresome. (James Renner won’t be there.)” –Uncle Lumpy

“Something this strip doesn’t get much credit for is its clever use of symbolism and hidden meaning. Today’s strip, for example, is actually an allegory for the history and consequences of the Industrial Revolution. Marvin’s friend represents the old artisan working class, as demonstrated by the block construction next to him. He is disturbed by the foul practices and pollution of Marvin, who stands in for new wave of production and power as suggested by the nearby locomotive. Marvin’s friend protests this unpleasant affront to his nostrils (which represent tradition, heritage, and comfortable nostalgia). In turn, Marvin speaks the prophetic truth of what the ‘nostrils’ of civilization must inevitably face in the course of progress, and then defecates in his own pants, representing the perils of arrogantly advancing without foresight.” –jroggs

“‘The general is mad as a hatter,’ said the men of Camp Swampy. They shook their heads ruefully as they sipped tea and brushed crumbs off tattered grey uniforms two generations out of date. ‘Thank goodness we’re still sane.’” –Escape Zeppelin

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Dan the Snowman: A comedy action adventure webcomic about that weird, weird life. Dan the Snowman follows the adventures of the eponymous hero, his BFF Joebot the Robot, and all the friends, enemies, talking dogs, and robots wearing people clothes they meet in Badspace, a strange universe filled with all sorts of folks. You should read it before it gets big, then won’t you be Johnny Hipface. It updates every Wednesday!
• Fiends of the Hub: Boston is under siege. Hungry, vicious, and wild, these vampires want only to feed. Can they be stopped before they destroy it all?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Greetings, all! As is traditional on the first Friday of every month, I must urge you to come to my live show, The Internet Read Aloud, in Los Angeles! It has a great lineup and will be extremely funny! Here is the Facebook event!

Also, as is traditional on every Friday, I must urge you to enjoy the comment of the week!

“Once, when someone moved back to Westview, it was a result of them failing miserably in their work or love life, not their success! I remember when this strip stood for something!” –Ettore

The runners up: also to be enjoyed!

“‘Wilbur, any time you need to talk, I’m available.’ ‘Uh … what was I just doing?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, beloved idol of a million other women

“After a whole week of this scene, the only thing that makes it bearable is imagining Wilbur as a furry, wearing an enormous lemming costume.” –seismic-2

“You both have careers. Seriously, you can afford a fucking end table.” –nescio

“Daisy looks alarmed in that last panel. ‘Uh-oh, the jig is up!’ she seems to be thinking. ‘They’ve reached meta-awareness of their comedic-dramatic character arcs, and now my planet is going to have to re-stock its human zoo!’” –BigTed

“Maybe it’s just my coastal elitism, but I have an easier time suspending my disbelief for a lasagna-loving anthropomorphic cat or a dog that longs to fight in a war 100 years ago than I do for believing that there is anyone listening to high school sports on the radio to report Marty Moon for two FCC violations.” –Dread

“Why does he need a haircut? You know they say your hair and toenails keep growing after you die. Quit scaring the boy! Also there’s a chance his problem is some form of untreatable cancer, but quit scaring him! And even though it seems like he’s young and relatively healthy with a full life ahead of him you never know when the icy hand of death is going to reach out and grab you. As T.S. Eliot said, ‘And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker.’ But quit scaring the boy with all your talk about his great-great grandfather who, now that I’ve done the math, must have died tragically young.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“In the context of architecture ‘looming spectre’ is usually used metaphorically but in today’s Mary Worth the silent streets are haunted by the pale ghost of Florence’s Duomo. I don’t know what kind of unfinished business causes major tourist attractions to rise from the dead but knowing Mary Worth it’s boring.” –Escape Zeppelin

“Meanwhile, Wilbur has dinner while staring at a glossy print of his favorite shampoo ad. Why didn’t that shower lady ever respond to his letters?” –pugfuggly

“Don’t be so smug, Pirate Teen. Sure, YouTube may be more open to swearing than small-town radio, but it’s surely only a matter of time before the TEEN YOUTUBERS APOLOGISE FOR RACIST SUICIDE-FOREST TASER PRANK headlines arrive.” –Schroduck

“After some serious soul-searching about what, exactly, it is about himself that could be such a turn-off to women, Wilbur decides it might be that moldy smell emanating from his body and clothes. He’s noticed it himself, sometimes, and suddenly he remembers something that could solve the problem. Also, he smiles, hanging that scented ‘Fresh ‘n’ Frisky’ dehumidifier disk inside his pants might help enhance his junk.” –Charterstoned

“Ah! There it is. Dawn’s mini-Roomba. It still has the tail she glued on it when she mistook it for a tailless mouse. Ah, that reminds just how stupid Dawn is. Welp, get to it, little vacuum. Those crumbs aren’t getting out my chest hair on their own.” –Voshkod

“Ah, yes, Dawn’s favorite Object. We both love Object.” –Noel

“My take is that Wilbur is holding it upside down and it’s not something that hangs, but is a hanger itself — a big suction cup with a hook on it. Dawn and Wilbur suction it to one of their large ocean-view windows, put on handcuffs and hang by the handcuff chain totally naked for all to see. If that isn’t the definition of a mood-helper I don’t know what is.” –The Mighty Captain E

“It’s not fair, Mom! Look, I’m even casting a distinct and dark shadow from an angle that wouldn’t be possible for multiple reasons if you were a normal human being like me. How come I have to die in a few measly decades and you get to be a timeless being of pure light?” –jroggs

“[sips coffee, leans forward and folds arms thoughtfully] You know, my grandma said I don’t have a worry in the world. Should I? Welcome to Jeffy’s Musings, a weekly feature here on–[audience immediately riots]” –Dan

“Everyone in Milford is obsessed with sports. Gil is pretty much a dick to all of his students, and Marty is the only one who calls him out on it. My theory is Marty is super popular at this bar because the patrons are either Gil’s ex-players or parents of players who all have an axe to grind with the Thorps, who it should be noted have no friends in town outside of Gil’s subordinate. No wonder Gil doesn’t want to meet there.” –Drew Funk

“Every time I see Mopey Pete, my mind is flooded with questions: Demetri Martin? Walter Matthau? Mike Dukakis? All of them, somehow?” –Joe Blevins

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Dan the Snowman: A comedy action adventure webcomic about that weird, weird life. Dan the Snowman follows the adventures of the eponymous hero, his BFF Joebot the Robot, and all the friends, enemies, talking dogs, and robots wearing people clothes they meet in Badspace, a strange universe filled with all sorts of folks. You should read it before it gets big, then won’t you be Johnny Hipface. It updates every Wednesday!
• Fiends of the Hub: Boston is under siege. Hungry, vicious, and wild, these vampires want only to feed. Can they be stopped before they destroy it all?

If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!