Archive: metaposts

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This week’s top comment? YOU KNOW IT:

“Little Billy wanted to give Daddy the day off, so he took this sweet-natured family cartoon and turned it into a vehicle for his obsession with murder.” –BigTed

This week’s runners up? HELL YEAH BABY:

What’s the meaning of this? Well, thank you to the Family Circus for asking a question that will haunt me the rest of my otherwise leisurely weekend.” –TimP

“I’m impressed at Spider-Man actually using some real spider biology to save the day. Less impressed he didn’t get to the bit in the Wikipedia article that reads ‘Mortality is high.’” –Schroduck

“That’s quite a steamer trunk Daddy’s packed there for ‘a business trip to New York.’ So long, suckers!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I know quite a few women who have complained about how women’s clothes are famously devoid of pockets. The fact that Patty Opossum is heading into that bathroom without her purse to commit petty toothpaste larceny suggests that she’s got someplace else to stash the goods. That skirt she’s wearing presumably has deep pockets which won’t reveal the contours of the tube. Basically, today’s Slylock Fox is a celebration of feminine agency.” –Larry McAwful

“Here we have an unintentionally clever allegory for the technological generation gap. Elder Vampire, who grew up in an era when both mirrors and photography used silver, warns her younger companion that the pure metal will have nothing to do with their unholy existence. Millennial Vampire, who knows such concerns are obsolete in the digital age, happily ignores her while tweeting to the #undeadlife hashtag.” –TheDiva

“For a change, Henry Mitchell actually listened to the words tumbling out of his idiot son’s mouth, and realized that there was a weird and deep truth buried in there. The dog’s collar protected him, but it also meant he was owned, registered, inoculated, neutered. What did his tie mean? All the same things, that he was just another cog in the production machine, one that didn’t get its hands dirty, one owned by the corporation, registered to the state, inoculated against whimsy and imagination, and neutered by this idiot child, and it didn’t offer him any protection at all. He tore off the tie and cast it to the ground. ‘You’re right, Dennis, by god.’ He picked up the phone and told his boss everything he’d wanted to tell him through all the long years of abuse, an ode of invective and profanity. ‘I’m going to do something that makes me happy!’ Henry Mitchell shouted, as Alice and Dennis looked on in shock. Two months later they were living in the car, but by God, Henry was happy. So happy.” –Voshkod

“Women can now make hacky comic strips about golf. Who says women’s lib hasn’t accomplished anything?” –Andrew

“So few officers opt for the chrome-plated hatchet as a sidearm. I’m glad we’re moving away from American gun culture.” –Dennis Jimenez

“My thinking has become so warped that my first guess upon seeing the ANIMAL SHELTER sign was that Mary had given up on trying to help Saul and was simply going to have him put to sleep. ‘Where well-intended advice has failed, a little Tributame will succeed.’” –Joe Blevins

Shoe’s references are stuck in the past. The pick-up line ‘I’m a writer‘ dates back to when writing fiction for a living was exciting and remunerative, while journalists were lesser wordsmiths. Nowadays you could impress someone by saying ‘I am a journalist, by which I mean a mainstream publication pays me a regular salary for my work.’ ‘I’m a writer’ will usually be understood as ‘Will you please subscribe to my Patreon? I write fanfic erotica of 1980s cartoons.'” –Ettorre

“[Dick ejects the empty clips and reloads for the third time] Other guy: ‘He’s down, Tracy.‘ Dick: ‘Huh? Oh. Ok. Let’s find out what this creep knows.’” –Foodar

“You might be a plugger if you derive pleasure from flooding your local environment with noise and carbon pollution, after you spend your car-fixin’ money on snacks.” –Rusty

“‘A Classic thanks‘? Does this mean this is a reprint? Maybe with a different caption? I’d do the research, but my anti-depressants have kicked in and they only work if you don’t do Pluggers research. Given that Dog Man is quoting a Verizon ad campaign that started in 2002, and if Pluggers were to use that to make what they’d consider a timely reference for their joke, I’m guessing the original strip appeared sometime last year.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“[body decaying at a cellular level due to years of neglect] A plugger’s cellular network.” –Dan

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We got yer top comment of the week — right here!

“Extraterrestrial life is not likely to be bipedal with familiar bilateral symmetry, and is highly unlikely to be able to survive in our atmosphere. No, this is clearly another one of Count Weirdly’s robots. But Slylock is so focused on showing off his high school chemistry knowledge that he overlooks this plain fact, and thus unwittingly participates in Weirdly’s devious plot to corner the lemonade market.” –Nekrotzar

And we also got your runners up — very funny!

“The saddest squirrel is the one with the little top hat. The other squirrels are just being squirrels, but the Ringmaster there is really committed to this being a circus. ‘BUT WE GAVE YOU A SHOW!’ he’ll scream, as the dogs rip him and his little hat to shreds.” –Lorne

“I enjoy Max Mouse in this panel, basically sitting there on the edge of the pier pondering how they got to the point of dealing with the mystery of the fucking toy ship. They used to be the best in the biz … the best.” –tb4000

“Only 4 hours between low and high tide, and then 20 hours until it’s low again? Clearly, this is some nefarious scheme of Count Weirdly. What he’s trying to accomplish with the deployment of his Achronal Tidal Engine is a mystery, but it’s probably something like making the water rise at just the right time for him to take his rowboat up to the bank teller’s drive-through window right at guard shift-change.” –Dmsilev

“Can Dennis read? If he can’t, the saddest line in this comic is: ‘And I feel pretty good about it!’” –Joe Blevins

“Lasagna may well be one of the easiest dishes to prepare — you just pile ingredients up in a pan, and you don’t even have to cook the noodles beforehand. Instead, Lou buys industrial-size food-service cans of soggy noodles with hard bits of beef in a little overly sweet tomato-flavored liquid, upon which he’ll sprinkle the packet of tasteless Parmesan he’s been saving since the last time he ordered delivery from Domino’s. The fact that Dagwood intends to choke down two of these suggests that having to work on a national holiday has sent his food mania into overdrive.” –BigTed

Saul Wynter’s beloved canine companion is gone. It’s natural for him to mourn and retreat… Does that sound convincing? My programming tells me that to mourn one’s beloved companions is ‘natural’. And please thank the team for deploying the contractions algorithm. However, there seems to be a problem with my vocal stress circuits. Would you like another RAM chip muffin while I run a diagnostic?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Mary steps out of the blood-covered sedan. ‘Hey, Mister Wynter! I ran over a couple of dozen dogs by total accident, and I’m wondering if you can repair it and pull the scraps and shards that were once beloved pets out of the grille and undercarriage!’ –Panel from Mary the Menace” –Voshkod

“Remember how the helicopter was about to crunch Spidey and Fisty into a building right before they disabled the chopper by punching holes in the footwells? The writers don’t. That happened, like, yesterday. Live in the moment, man.” –jroggs

“[Man brings problem before Crock.] [Crock promises to deal with problem in ambiguous way.] [Man assumes that this time, Crock is genuinely concerned, despite all past evidence to the contrary.] [Crock reveals ‘solution’ that is underhanded/impractical/stupid.] I think I’ve cracked the formula! Now I just need to learn how to not draw, and I can have my own beloved newspaper comic!” –JJ48

“How will Spider-Man escape from the falling helicopter? He’d need some kind of foolproof method of reaching a tall, sturdy object from another lofty position! And to save Iron Fist as well, he’d have to have the proportional strength needed to carry another person with him! The horror! Unless Iron Fist can survive any length of fall by punching the ground, which, let’s be honest, probably.” –Navigator

“Funky waited for Wally to spend four years and several hundred thousand dollars in student loans before deciding to hand off a business to him that Funky could have trained him to run for free. Ladies and gentlemen … the strip’s protagonist!” –Where’s Rocky

“Since Wally only has two choices for employment in Westview, Montoni’s or the high school, this seems to be a good fit. I refuse to consider the Komix Korner as a viable business.” –Rusty

“Mary eerily stares at the fourth wall while talking to Spencer Tracy, presumably to make sure anyone’s still bothering with this.” –Applemask

“At this point, grumpy old man Wynter is probably so fed up with Mary’s meddling that he will agree to go to the dealer with her, then find the smarmiest service rep on the floor, and tag-team him in the gratuitous upselling: ‘Did you notice the wear pattern on the left rear tread, Bill? Looks like the universal is about to give out. And listen to the engine! I wonder if those piston valves are okay.’” –fausto

“Pluggers’ lives are so empty that the only pleasure they get anymore is the glee that comes from taking out their hearing aids and then subjecting their grandchildren to the sounds of Lawrence Welk playing the accordion at 110 db.” –seismic-2

“It’s true! Jordan had a microwave installed, ordered a dozen takeout containers, and … whatever that is on the upper shelf. Either a toy locomotive or a very large spider.” –Ukulele Ike

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Hello everybody! Your final reminder that tonight, in Los Angeles, I’ll be doing my first ever solo hour of comedy, as I bring together the best of my bits from the Internet Read Aloud as a one-man show!

If you’re in LA and have always been meaning to check out one of my shows because you enjoy my whole deal, let me recommend that you come to this one! Here’s the Facebook event, and here are some tips for finding the venue!

But whether you’re coming to enjoy my comedy stylings or not, you should definitely enjoy the comedy stylings of the comment of the week!

The plugger paper shredder never gets jammed. It gets bursitis.” –nescio

And the runners up — also hilarious!

“Count Weirdly tries to pull an awful lot of scams with fake inventions, but it’s never really clear why. He’s capable of building convincing androids and time machines. I can respect his desire to keep his creations proprietary, but surely he can unload a few vampire pigs on the exotic pet market and finally move out of his motte and bailey slum housing.” –jroggs

“Ah, this brings me back to the wide-eyed optimism of my youth, when I had causes to fight for, like the purity of rubber and the protection of the global supply of yarn. Now I’m old and jaded and I can’t even be bothered to sigh when someone tries to flood the market with weirdly transfigured big rubber that they’re trying to pass off as normal rubber … but I used to believe in things.” –gkl

“Friggin sentient bat has one job: guard the window. Guess tech startups treat their workers like shit in Slylock’s world too, because my man clearly could not care less if Slylock busts this whole operation up with high school chemistry.” –Dan

“‘Ed Crankshaft. We haven’t seen you at one of our reunions in a while.‘ Why is she smiling, you ask? Isn’t she disappointed that Crankshaft isn’t dead? No, because this is the Funkyverse, where living is a worse punishment.” –Ettorre

“Did he choose his sweater to match her hair, or is the sweater made out of her hair? Discuss.” –JJ48

“I think we’re all missing the simpler explanation for what’s going on in today’s Dennis the Menace. After whatever catastrophe happened last time, Mr. Wilson is using the scale before and after his bathroom adventure, to find out how much that sucker weighed.” –Kytan

“The subtle differences between the two panels in today’s Slylock Fox tell quite a story. Slylock, Max, Deputy Dog and Deputy Duck loaded three prisoners onto the transport van. That much is clear. But at some point, they unloaded them, and something terrible happened. Something that would have been directed by Quentin Tarantino and set to an oddly upbeat ’80s riff. As they are reloaded into the paddy wagon, we see the dog prisoner has lost his teeth, presumably having them pulled out by the Sociopathic Shamus after he chewed off Slylock’s ear. The bird prisoner has been shaved, probably as retaliation for ripping off Deputy Duck’s tie. The rear view mirror is gone, I assume after a violent melee in the driver’s seat. And Deputy Dog has thrown away his badge. He’s seen too much, he can’t put up with this crap anymore. Just get these three to the station, and he’ll put in his papers, retire, go fishing, maybe get an RV and travel the country with Mrs. Dog. Anything to get away from that fox and mouse. As he starts the engine, he can’t forget Slylock’s face, impassive, as the Vicious Vulpine pulled out the dog’s fangs. He turns up the music, another upbeat ’80s song, to drown out the thumps and howls from the back of the van.” –Voshkod

“‘Remember when comic-book writers used to think that radiation could give people superpowers? Well, it turns out they weren’t scientists.’ ‘Batman’s a scientist.’ ‘They’re not Batman.’” –BigTed

“Thinking that Iron Fist should change his name to Canary Espadrilles.” –Fritz H.

“I almost have to respect the utter contempt that Gil Thorp has for the casual reader of their strip, as each day they present two incomplete sequences smashed together and just dare you to make sense of them. ‘Oh, did you not understand the context of the French movie comment? Too bad! Here’s a half-finished thought about another storyline already in progress, but if you want anything close to resolution on that you’ll have to wait until tomorrow, or maybe next week. Why do we do this? We’re Gil Fucking Thorp, that’s why.” –pugfuggly

“iPhone X: IP67 dust/water resistant (up to 1m for 30 mins) and HW5 impact resistant (withstands hitting supervillains in the face 5 times), glass front and back, blah blah blah.” –Baka Gaijin

“This guy’s from a broken home. He’ll be up for some law-breakin’. I also have a guy whose parents were lax churchgoers and another guy whose mother was the household’s main breadwinner.” –Jenna

“The only missed opportunity here is that she didn’t yell, ‘DO IT FOR THE ’GRAM!’” –Joe Blevins

“So, Iron Fist really loves yelling his own name. It makes sense — you’ve got to build a brand, especially in this day and age — but he’s going about it all wrong. He should be talking about ‘the Iron Fist’, to make clear that he is unique. Saying ‘an Iron Fist‘ suggests it’s a generic name, and could potentially cause him legal problems with trademark dilution. If he insists on the indefinite article, he should least yell ‘an Iron Fist™ brand fist’”. –Schroduck

“She’s got shelves and shelves of actual reading material behind her so it seems unnecessary for her to be reading a pretend book. That said, her object work is impeccable; those Second City extension classes were money well spent.” –Shoe Substitutes

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!