“’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’ would be a fitting anthem to The Lockhorns — you get the gist immediately but then it goes on longer than anyone would want.” –jenna

“My favorite image is Dolly holding the carrot in front of Bil as he plays horse. She is not getting any of the fun of the ride, but damnit, she is committed to the role play. ‘Come on, Daddy. Neigh for me! Neigh … for … me!’” –Joe Momma

“It’s almost as though Mommy can see Daddy’s rainy-day fantasy, and she shuts it down toot-sweet: ‘Bil, let me be perfectly clear as to why I married you: so you can fix shit.’” –Carsick Yankee

“See, the joke is that Big Daddy Keane doesn’t enjoy spending time with his kids. And who could blame him?” –Ace

“All the Daddy images are great, but my favorite is him carrying that trashcan by ignoring the handles and placing his hands in positions that give him excellent odds of a major spill. Talk about passive-aggressive revenge for the death of his rainy-day dream.” –Poteet

“No really, it’s two babies worth of fat: Marvin has been eating babies.” –pugfuggly

“‘Tell me which magazine NEEDS me.’ Oh, Mark, sweet Mark. You’ve lived in a salaried bubble too long.” –Living on Video

“Whenever a figure calls to you from the all-concealing shadows, Tommy, go to them! They’re probably made of candy!” –Victor Von

“‘Why the heck is Bean’s End all sold out of respirators?!’ wonders Crankshaft, blissfully unaware of a variety of current events.” –RexDartEskimoPi, on Twitter

“Congrats to our bird-man for keeping his first-generation flat-screen TV working for 20 years. Bad news looks just a little bit softer in 480p.” –BigTed

“This whole country is a Panic Room, in the sense that Kristen Stewart is in it.” –Ettorre

“We all deal with the adversity of modern life in different ways. Some, like Tommy, consider slipping back into comforting addictions. Others, like the Perfessor, succumb to madness. Crankshaft? Oh, he’s just gaslighting his own daughter for laughs. Business as usual, in other words.” –Doctor Moreau

“‘Sarah done something bad.’ Rex Morgan turned into Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury so quickly.” –Voshkod

“Normally I hate the Romantic Misunderstanding thing, but Tommy and Brandy are such absolute idiots that I welcome the ensuing confusion and refusal to clear things up with a simple conversation.” –TheDiva

“Am I the only one who wants Vin to get his own strip (or just take over this one)? I for one would love to read about the ongoing adventures of ‘a well-spoken gentleman of the street with a knack for quoting proverbs and surrounding himself with interesting people whose lives reflect the daily concerns of society’ (to paraphrase King Features’ summary of Mary Worth).” –Effluvius Erratus

“What do you do when you’re 38 years into writing a comic strip about a baby and you’re utterly out of ideas for defecation-based jokes? Maybe you look around the room for inspiration until you spy a goldfish bowl and think, ‘I bet those fish are miserable and hate both their lives and each other.’” –Joe Blevins

“The way he’s got that thing pointed at Tommy’s mouth, it looks more like a spoon to me. ‘Come on, Tommy, open the hangar… and in comes the airplane! Mmmm!’” –Peanut Gallery

“His killing people and taking their blood might gain him some awed respect among the other prisoners, provided they never see a picture of him looking like some sad bipedal catfish.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The chaotic state of the Lockhorns’ marriage is reflected by the chaotic arrangement of their living-room furniture: Loretta’s chair points away from her visitor so that she stares blankly into the hallway, and the visitor’s chair, only a few inches away, offers their company a disturbingly close-up view of Loretta’s inner ear. It’s not as if they are unaware of these shortcomings: on the wall in the hall, the framed picture is… a completely blank rectangle. A simple yet beautiful, unmarred, Platonic ideal of geometric perfection. Yes, clearly they have goals of a finer, esthetically pleasingly life to which they aspire, yet here they are. You’re the Lockhorns, guys. Deal with it. (Leroy clearly has.)” –seismic-2

“You know Sairy is half-assing it because her picture’s not on the sign, costing her the crucial illiterate vote.” –Bill L

“If it were up to Leroy… meh, nothing is up to Leroy, or me either. We’re sea-level Sisyphuses, just rolling our respective boulders around, aimlessly.” –Just John

“I think it’s great how Hagar is getting a piggy-back ride up that ladder — and how jazzed that guy is to give him a piggy-back ride. That kind of loyalty and devotion really shows what great jarl Hagar’s been for his warband.” –ArtOfWargames, on Twitter

“Yeah, nothing like dried-out, 5,600-year-old linen on the ol’ butthole.” –Pozzo

“So many people overlook the simple cost-cutting benefits you get from having your home overrun by nightmarish monsters. Why buy paper towels when the werewolf in your kitchen is covered with fur and dries off in minutes? Why waste money on a two-hole punch when you’ve got a vampire in your home office? Why spend hundreds on air conditioning when the spine-chilling appearance of a vengeful ghost is just one closing-of-an-ajar-bathroom-mirror-cabinet away?” –jroggs

“Imagine being completely unfamiliar with the strip, and you saw it for the first time today. You’d have questions: Is the mummy the dogs’ owner? Is it Mother Goose? Why does the yellow dog hate his mother/owner/roommate so much? Why can you see the wall through the gaps in the bandages? I mean, even with context this is like a fever dream.” –made of wince

“To paraphrase Freud, ‘Sometimes the large, long barrel of a tank gun drawn at thigh level is just a long barrel of a tank gun drawn at thigh level.’ And ‘Sarge’s bedroom eye is just … I take it back. It’s a penis. The barrel of the gun is a huge phallic image. The whole thing is an overly homoerotic fantasy. There, I said it.’” –Joe Momma

“I, for one, am here for Mark Trail as a man out of time who speaks mainly in tortured retro slang. ‘If the snake is blue, twenty-three skiddoo! If there’s a cobra on your patio, beat feet, daddy-o! If the rattling gets louder, you’d better take a powder!’” –Doctor Moreau

“Oh, you’re using your made-up names. I’m Funky Winkerbean, then.” –Chyron HR

“Really loving the generic NEWS paper that just seems to have pictures and text placed haphazardly across the front page. I guess the publisher realized that their core audience is most used to reading the obituaries section and decided to use that same format for the rest of the paper.” –pugfuggly

“Ha ha, pluggers still read newsprint. That’s the intended joke, right?” –Just John

“Her phone is broken! Then we need to get over to the detention facility ASAP! Without access to AT&T’s nation-wide 5G network — which even works at Guantanamo Bay! — she’ll be bored out of her mind for the next twenty to thirty years! Without access to the Google App Store, she’ll never be able to download Angry Birds and Netflix, to while away the eternal hours before release or death! [Today’s Funky Winkerbean was sponsored by AT&T, the nationwide network, Google, which knows what you’re going to ask, and the year 2020.]” –Voshkod

“Pluggers talk like a Prohibition-era showgirl for some reason.” –TheDiva

“One of these days Pluggers is going to do some sort of comic where the punchline is going to be ‘a plugger’s Discord server runs usenet and IRC’ or ‘a plugger doesn’t need a massive-multiplayer online game as long as they can still telnet to their Mud’ and then I’m going to be very sad.” –vince

“Otis is asking his Dad for help because no-one has burned a CD since well before he was born.” –Rosstifer

“I picture the writer holding a tech dictionary from 2002 that his daughter got for him last year for a quarter at the library book sale, leafing through it and musing, ‘I need a verb here … that looks like one … okay, now for some nouns…’” –Tom T.

“Another person plugger in the tontine must’ve died. The last one still living gets that phone book.” –Joe Blevins

“Obviously Amy divorced him because he’s a real lightweight.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Ah! If I had a dollar for every time I casually reached for the decanter of wine as my wife made a demand and pounded her fist on the table, I’d have… well, I’d be divorced, actually. ” –Skeptical1

“If you ever think your job sucks, just remember you could be the reporter assigned to cover the Crankshaft beat.” –Sides

“Leroy’s doing an impressive job with shadow puppetry considering he only has four fingers on each hand.” –nescio

“C’mon Ed, why wouldn’t you enjoy shaking babies? You enjoy endangering kids every day on your school bus.” –Guillermo el chiclero

“Not sure if ‘jerky’ here is a poor attempt at replicating how today’s sullen teenagers talk, or if the young lady is actually characterizing Chip as a piece of dried meat cut into a long, thin strip. If it’s the latter, solid burn. I like her.” –jenna

“Gonna choose to believe the colorist simply has no idea what a yarmulke is, so Hi and Lois’s first stumbling attempt at diversity wound up, ‘they know a balding guy.’” –Dan

“I like the fact that Leroy is in genuine pain, and Loretta could absolutely not give two figs about his suffering. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you keep a bad marriage going for 20 years — pure, unadulterated disinterest.” –BigTed

“‘…the one who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven.’ (Luke 12:10) Dennis’s menacing has now reached biblical levels. Menace … or antichrist?” –McCapwell

“I see the Dick Tracy creative team is making a play to take over The Wizard of Id. Sorry, but Id prefers continuous torture to the swift, karmic deaths seen in Neo-Chicago.” –Morgan Wick

“The only thing less funny than a newspaper comic is a newspaper comic inside a newspaper comic. Let’s pray there’s no third layer.” –Lee Sherman

“If I remember correctly, Tommy’s last descent into drug addict hell was caused by him trying to move one modest-sized piece of furniture once. A rejected marriage proposal could kill him.” –Joe Blevins

“When a prof swipes, uh, ‘is inspired by’ a student’s work and gets a publication out of it, it’s only polite to credit the student as a junior co-author. So when Dick and Sam nab Professor Stokes for vampire-murder, I’d like to think that Prof passes some of the credit along to whatever dorky goth kid in his class submitted this as the term project, and arranges for said kid to get the electric chair right next to his own (maybe with only half as much electrical charge though, because, junior co-author.) Fair is fair.” –Shrug

“There is no way a news crew is there to interview Crankshaft about obsolete telephones (come on, not even pluggers still use rotary dials) so I can only assume someone tipped them off that he’s finally going down for his decades of vehicular crimes.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“See? This is what happens when you wait until the night before the project is due to start putting your murder machine together.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Would love to know what the soldiers are actually meant to be googling here. ‘Country that looks a bit like a rhino’s head’? ‘Useless posters of unlabeled country outlines’? ‘Complain about training quality to superior officer’?” –Schroduck

“No, you’re thinking of ‘broads.’ Understandable mistake.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I like how Tommy is looking directly at the reader in that last panel. ‘Eh, chicks, ammirite? Let’s get into it in the comments. I hear controversy is the best way to get things trending.’” –pugfuggly

“‘I thought all chicks wanted to get married’: TFW you spend too much time with Mary Worth.” –Ettorre

“Terry Rapson is in Gil’s doghouse because he had the nerve — the goddamn nerve — to use his own initiative and call plays to score more points when his team was only up by one score with three minutes left in the game, while Gil wanted his team to make predictable rushing plays that would force his team to punt and give their opponents plenty of time to equalize. Apparently what Terry ‘didn’t know what he didn’t know’ was that Gil bet on the other team to beat the spread. Hope you learned your lesson, Terry: never get between a corrupt coach and his illicit gambling payoffs.” –jroggs

“Gil is one cruel bastard, forcing this kid to run all those miles while he’s excreting mucous from his pores. It’s a rare dermatological condition informally known as snotty zit syndrome. And it’s contagious. Now who doesn’t know what he doesn’t know? Better stock up on Kleenex, genius.” –made of wince

“Nancy will grudgingly start wearing a mask, but it will be emblazoned with an image of her sneer.” –Pozzo

“Listen, young woman. The Glenwood Motel prides itself on providing the community a location for drinking, illicit hookups, the occasional prostitution ring, and country songs about the same. But we don’t do COVID parties, understand? You’re looking for the Glenn Breeze Motel, down the highway on the left. Please make sure Macklemore covers this in his next hit single.” –pastordan