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Wednesday quickies

Marmaduke, 5/25/11

Longstanding readers of this blog know my feelings about geese (and their elitist cousins, swans): they are vile, vicious creatures who would destroy us all if they could. And seeing as today’s strip proves that they’re more powerful than Marmaduke, and we already know that Marmaduke is more powerful than God, humanity pretty much has no chance.

Beetle Bailey, 5/25/11

Look, I don’t know how often we have to explain it: Sarge is not interested in women, sexually. But he does have outdated opinions about gender roles! The two facts aren’t mutually exclusive.

320 responses to “Wednesday quickies”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Agnes has a better use for her grandmother’s insurance money:

    Everything you ever wanted to know about Sea Doos (but were afraid to ask!):

  2. Écureuil Écumant
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#241): Perhaps I simply see the contest as taking place in a different arena. I don’t have the least difficulty believing this is Berna’s O-face, and remember, “control” has two “O”s in it.

  3. OKStan
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    Marm: Geese scared me since I was a kid. THESE black headed demons from hell scare me now. How do you make something as silly as a goose look like Satan’s peacocks?

    BB: Or, more distressingly, Sarge is now revealing his cannabalistic tendancies to Cpl. Yo.

  4. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    5-25 Weird Sound Effects:

    Gasoline Alley — RING!
    Dick Tracy — BLAM! BLAM!
    Drabble — BEEEP! BEEEP BEEEEP!

  5. Écureuil Écumant
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    BB: Likewise, Josh, the concepts of “meatloaf” and “Buxley” aren’t mutually exclusive in the bedroom either. Sarge is probably thinking of a meatloaf sandwich with Beetle as the filling. Seems to me all parties could be well satisfied with such an arrangement.

  6. Mr. Coffee Nerves
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:34 am [Reply]

    So it’s safe to assume that the mini-fridge in Sgt. Snorkel’s barracks is filled with the torsos of General Halftrack’s former secretaries?

  7. gleeb
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    A&J: Boobies joke!

    A 3-G: No wishes. No dreams. Living with Margo has killed Tommie inside.

    Beetle: Cannibalism joke!

    Dick: Is she going to drown in flour? Whee!

    ‘bean: He’s lying. Creepy Les cares about Creepy Les and no one else.

    Rex: This being a medical comic, we can see Berna having a stroke in the third panel.

    Id: Crap joke!

  8. buckminster
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    @OKStan (#3): That’s the first thought that ran through my head when I saw the Sarge’s comment in panel 2, too.

  9. Heffer
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Clearly Sarge died from yesterday’s fall off the cliff and has returned as a Zombie alongside a 1940s depiction of a Japanese soldier.

  10. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:44 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#Y241): Beetle – AAARGH!! Sarge is turning into Hannibal Lecter! “The meatloaf would be delicious with fava beans and a nice chianti.”

    Remember, this is Sarge we’re talking about here. it would be more “the meatloaf would be delicious with fries and a cold Pabst.”

  11. TheLundbom
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:45 am [Reply]

    I am pretty sure Ms. Buxley’s going in a meatloaf. A sexy, sexy meatloaf that Sarge will have his way with.

  12. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    Lockhorns: He beat you unconscious with a broom and threw you in a dumpster?

    Lockhorns Redux: We’ve all noticed how Leroy always macks on sexy ladies, but have you noticed how Loretta is always has coffee with sexy ladies too? In retrospect, marrying someone based on the fact that you both like sexy ladies—unless you are both sexy ladies yourselves—was not the best of ideas.

    MT: Damn! What kind of parties do you throw that you need $10,000 in electronics? Can I come?

    MW: Dammit, just as Michelangelo could see the statue in the stone, I can see a foul, filthy joke about “Mary’s leftovers” in there somewhere, if I could only find it!

    PBS: Ha! It’s funny because it’s a 30-year-old joke!

    RxMD: YEEEE! I did not expect the hoods to retaliate with Joker gas! What a plot twist!

    S-M: What is this, the Keystone Vamps?

  13. S. Stout
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Luann: I don’t know what’s worse, watching them act like every kiss is their first ever…or knowing that when they start singing something horrendous will pop up on YouTube in real-life.

    Beetle Bailey: Sarge, you have it mixed up…pretty girls are less likely to know how to make good food.

  14. Johnnycakes
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    If only FDR had moved forward with his planned Goose Team 6. So many lives could have been saved…

  15. gleeb
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:50 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#12): Well, seeing as Mary has not killed Dr Dad and put him into a pie, he is her leftovers.

  16. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    @gleeb (#7): Id: Crap joke!

    This works well as either a description of today’s strip, or a summary of the strip in general.

  17. Tom the Sailor Man
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Sarge: “Pretty girls make me want to ‘reach for my doughnuts’, if you know what I mean. Although, the last time I did that I fell off a cliff.”

  18. Plinko Commie
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Snuffy Smith: Actually, Snuffy just made a championship belt for the wrestling federation that provides Hoot’n Holler with its primary source of non-gossip, non-poker, non-jail sitting entertainment.

    Funky Winkerbean: Poor Cayla. You’d think she’d know by now that the only “L” word Les can understand is “lymphoma.”

    Dennis the Menace: If Dennis has to clean his hands to play tag with Margaret, you can be sure the only tagging he’ll be doing is with his fists.

    Pluggers: Digital clock? Maybe in the May 25, 2026 Pluggers.

  19. Dood
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Isn’t “meat loaf” one of the positions in Sarge’s food-based Kama Sutra?

  20. Powers
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: Anyone else notice that the artwork totally does NOT match Tommie’s assertion of happiness. Like, it’s difficult to believe that the disconnect wasn’t intentional? Yet there she is saying “Yes, Aunt Iris. Happier than ever before,” apparently in a deadpan monotone.

  21. Écureuil Écumant
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:56 am [Reply]

    @Tom the Sailor Man (#17): And who wants to back that up by falling into a well!

  22. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    Pluggers – Now if she would have married that rooster like her mother wanted her to, she wouldn’t have to worry about having an alarm clock at all. But no, she had to marry the dog…

  23. Liam
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-There is a fetish out there about people being made into food and Sarge has just let it slip that he is into that sort of thing. With Miss Buxley passing by I am surprised that Sarge didn’t say pie instead of meatloaf.

    Mary Worth-The double entendres in the second panel are just staggering. If I was Drew I wouldn’t want to eat Mary’s pie after his dad had some.

    Love Is-This is a first. The creepy naked children are actually wearing clothes.

  24. Not just any Dipstick
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#12): That would be sloppy seconds (the horror of the thought!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

  25. Tom the Sailor Man
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:00 am [Reply]

    @OKStan (#3):

    Somebody has to say it – “Satan’s Peacocks” would be a great name for a band.

  26. awa64
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey — Clearly, Sarge has a vore fetish.

  27. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    S-M – ‘Finally, Morbius springs into action.’ That’s all this strip needs – another lazy hero. Does anything ever get done in this town?

  28. sporknpork
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    Beetle: Outdated gender roles, Josh? That might be the least of the strip’s concerns considering the outdated racial role standing next to sarge.

    Marmaduke: I don’t think Marmaduke stands a chance. Run, Hitler, run!

  29. Liam
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#12):

    I have a joke for you the leftovers in “Mary Worth” is sloppy seconds.

  30. Trogdor
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    The ghost of Lisa makes an appearance on Shortpacked today ( Apparently she’s friends with other dead people who advise their living friends (Pa Kent and Yoda).

  31. smacky
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    I really can’t sufficiently express my disdain for Les. The only thing worse than imagining him fornicating is the idea that that poor woman is acting like a lovestruck teen over him when he clearly will never love anyone other than his wife, 10+ years dead!

  32. Dood
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:12 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: You have to set two alarms to remember to let the husband out so he can relieve himself.

  33. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:13 am [Reply]

    FW – I really want to see the deleted panel 4, where Cayla smacks Les upside the head with a two by four.

  34. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#23):

    There is a fetish out there about people being made into food and Sarge has just let it slip that he is into that sort of thing.

    Sarge would be ecstatic at this all-you-can-eat buffet (probably NSFW):

  35. Cloudbuster
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    9CL: So. Straightness is like a disease Seth might catch. Wow.

  36. Dood
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    Spider-Man: And with an “EEEEEEEE,” Martine kicks off fashion week in New York.

  37. Maggie the Cat
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    RMMD- Berna, was that so fucking hard? If you’d just called the attorney as soon as you realized you won your halfwit brother wouldn’t have done all that stupid shit and you could already have had a little of Mr. Miller’s magic sausage by now (because we all know that’s what he means by “if there’s anything you ever need…”).

  38. Maggie the Cat
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    I think Sarge has “American Pie” designs on that imaginary meatloaf. Hope he lets it cool off at least.

  39. Rollory
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    I was reading Sarge’s comment as a desire for cannibalism.

    Am I wrong?

  40. Comcis Fan
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#12):

    I love Mary’s leftovers! That’s where I get my supply of Men’s Fitness magazine!

  41. Maggie the Cat
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    I’d say by the exuberant expression on Dr. Jeff’s face that he also had another kind of pie at Mary’s. A dried up, leftover hair pie that only he could enjoy.

  42. Binder's Butter Beans
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    No, no: Sarge is a cannibal. That pretty girl would make a delicious meatloaf!

  43. Binder's Butter Beans
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    @Rollory (#39): And I prove once again that it pays to read the comments first. :) Sorry for the oversnark!

  44. Thinks He's Brenda Starr
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    Sarge is determined to get that Section 8 discharge, even if it means killing and eating Miss Buxley in a meatloaf. This is why we should keep DADT in place, I guess. For the record, Miss Buxley has almost no actual meat on her bones. For the first (and last) time, she’d have trouble filling something out.

  45. Patrick
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    Apparently, Offensive Asian Stereotype Soldier didn’t hear that “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is no longer in effect and is continuing to dig into Sarge’s sexual life with inappropriate questions.

  46. Comcis Fan
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#33):

    There have been several strips with that missing panel 4, and the trouble is that Cayla never, ever does that. This is because in Les’ world, the women are loving, giving Madonnas willing to understand and indulge the obtuse, self-centered byproduct of his woundedness. Apparently they believe he’s the best that Westview has to offer the single, middle-aged, educated, attractive woman, and that Westview’s best is the best she can expect.

  47. Derek
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    “I always imagine what a great meatloaf she could make” — hmm, I read that more as Sarge’s predilection toward cannibalism, not sexism.

  48. Derek
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    @Binder’s Butter Beans (#43): And I just did that too, sorry.

  49. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    Beetle: It figures that Sarge would refer to an erection as a “meatloaf.”

  50. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:46 am [Reply]

    Does anyone else remember this 1980s strip by Mort Walker’s sons?

  51. Pseudo3D
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    In terms of Beetle Bailey, two things, one each about Sarge and Buxley.

    1. Sarge may not be interested in women, but that doesn’t necessarily make him gay.
    2. I always thought Mort Walker had a rubber stamp he used for Buxley’s lips, since her lips never change.

    I missed a few days of snark, but I was extremely happy that of all the things you pointed out in Gil Thorp, the presence of the Chicago font was chosen. That made me smile.

    9CL and FW are terrible (as always) but now in DT I’m looking forward to the horrible death of Hot Rize, presumably as she gets baked into biscuits or something (with the legs sticking out in a bent position)

  52. TheDiva
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    @Tom the Sailor Man (#25): I was thinking either a band or a gay biker gang.

    C’shaft: That’s what this story about a sad old woman so starved for human contact she’ll talk to anyone who will sit still long enough to listen needs–one of Crankshaft’s trademark massacres of the English language!

    DT: Obviously he does, since you’re still sticking your skull a foot above the flour sacks you could be using for cover.

    FW: Oh for God’s sake, Cayla, what do you want? A big neon sign saying “THIS MAN IS TOO SELF-ABSORBED AND WRAPPED UP IN HIS PERSONAL PAIN TO EMOTIONALLY CONNECT WITH ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING EVER”? Cause I’ll gladly chip in for the cost of such a sign, if that’s what it’ll take to get you off that porch swing and on to a better life.

    JP: “Whatever, I’m playing Angry Birds.”

    Luann: On the plus side, if they get distracted with their needlessly complicated relationship issues, they’ll never get around to recording anything.

    MT: Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP… [*]

    MW: That’s not chicken, it’s….well, let me put it this way: have you ever seen Sweeney Todd?

    SM: Even the narrative boxes are thrilled to see something actually happen!

  53. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    3G“Are you happy, Tommie?”
    “Yes. Aunt Iris. I am. Happy.”
    “Botox went straight to your brain, did it?”

    Beetle – Wednesday. May 25, 2011. Cpl. Yo would remember it forever as the last day he voluntarily exchanged a single word with the gross, disturbing Sgt. Snorkel.

    Dennis – That’s right, you and Joey get those fists good and clean, and remember that odor likes to hide under the fingernails.

  54. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    BB – Hey, did anyone realize that Sarge’s comment could also be interpreted as … oh, wait, nevermind.

    Luann – Awkward teen sexuality is … awkward.

    RMMD – So we spent, what, six months with her not even cashing in the ticket and now in a single strip she has met with the lawyer, set up the trust fund, cashed in the ticket, and arranged the direct deposit with the lottery committee. Tomorrow: A New Adventure! Riley’s work release forces him to paint June’s garage, while Rex watches and bathrooms.

  55. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:51 am [Reply]

    Dick – Rize is about to drop a hopper on the coppers (if they don’t stop ‘er), and experiencing a brief pang at the absence of Clyde Clapper.

    Doones – Reruns. Despite his carefully cultivated veneer of hipness, it’s clear that Trudeau was caught flat-footed by Rapture Fail.

    Family – Every few years, Thel likes to take out the Billy robot and exchange a few pleasantries before returning him to his storage unit.

  56. Mole Man Fan
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:52 am [Reply]

    RM: Inappropriate wide smile? Oh, I see, Berna’s a special needs case, also. This explains a lot, including the trust fund (managed by the Morgans, I suppose). Oh, well, at least she’s higher-functioning than Dex.

  57. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    S-M: EEEEEEEEventually this storyline will come to an end.

    MT: Panel 2 is like that game where one person starts a sentence, and everybody has to add one word at a time, usually resulting in a meandering and hilariously garbled statement. In this case the game was played by a couple of third-graders, a man who learned English out of a book, and Jack Elrod on a bad cell-phone connection.

    MW: Will somebody please do a mash-up of Sarge’s meatloaf and Mary’s pot pie? Kthx.

  58. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#50):

    Another Betty Boop/Felix the Cat by Brian, Morgan, Greg and Neal Walker:

  59. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    R=R – Oh, yeah. We’ll see this strip upon the the refrigerators at thousands of high-arch households today. Another demographic cunningly co-opted by a witty wink at the vicissitudes of “archies,” as they call themselves. Probably.

    Spider-Man“At last I see you as you really are!
    What was your first clue, Einstein? The boots? The fangs? The high-cut leather one-piece? The vulcan eyebrows? The repeated story about how she became a vampire? Repeated demands that you kill people and drink their blood? The attacks she already made? The stilted dialog? The clawlike way she holds her hands when she’s relaxing? The way she keeps saying, “I am Martine! Blah! Blah!” Wait, I’ll bet it’s those things on her wrists, isn’t it?

    IdIn today’s highly symbolic outing, the nearly empty dog park represents the ever-shrinking comics page, the Wizard represents Creators Syndicate, and the dragon that’s not even bothering to move away from or cover up after himself represents Jeff Parker, son of longtime artist Brant Parker. The park guard is probably a metaphor for the old folks who still care enough to write in about what goes on in the “family strips” [*]. The barren landscape around the park represents important news, and the two trees stand for those twin pillars of the news industry, celebrity stalking and regurgitation of political press releases. The flaming pile of shit… well, that’s obvious, right?

  60. nescio
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Apparently there is a Mexican restaurant in Id somewhere.

  61. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#y218): Then again, if this leads to a quick end for this snoozer, I’m good with it.
    If Martine is indeed falling off the roof, I expect no more than six more days of action and possibly twenty dialog balloons and a flashback or two before she hits the ground and the pile of conveniently sharpened wooden stakes somebody predicted a few hours ago.

    @Mr. O’Malley (#y228): Oh, well done, sir!

    @Scott Bot (#27): Finally, Morbius springs into action.
    Spider-Man’s so passive, the villain has to save the day. I called this so long ago, I’m not sure it even counts any more.

  62. the grene kni3t
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    That Marmaduke strip made me laugh before I even looked at the picture. In fact, the picture makes it less funny. But void of any context, the caption is kind of hilarious.

    “I told you not to bark at geese!”

  63. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:01 am [Reply]

    Perhaps they’re angling to have Beetle Baily made into a musical: Orville Snorkle, the Demon Sargent of Camp Swampy.

  64. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    FW: True story: The first time I summoned the courage to say “I love you” to Beloved Spouse, his answer was “(pause)…I’m very happy with you too.” It was a sweet, endearing moment because a) he wasn’t a self-absorbed douchebag and b) I had enough self-esteem to realize that my feelings were valid whether he parroted them back or not. Also, if he had responded with that look of bored disdain that Les is wearing, I would have kicked him in the nuts.

  65. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    A&H: lol. Arlo, don’t ever change.

    Lio: *chuckle*. (unless it’s “Mom”, don’t ever use a name on a tattoo!)

    JUMBLE: celebrity cameo week continues.

    LaCuc: heads just asploded all over the DC offices.

    Mutts vs GWS: Tribute Week day 3 a draw, neither particularly wonderful.

  66. Captain Plaid Pants
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    FW: Soooo, just for the record, let it be known that Les used Cayla for some casual sex, and let us further note that they did NOT “make love” since he isn’t in love with her. Remind me why Les is such a great guy again? Even if you don’t find casual sex immoral, don’t you find Les’ actions kind of slimy? Toying with a woman who is in love with you by sleeping with her and leading her on… along with 2-3 other ladies waiting in the wings… one of which is his dead wife. Les is an ass.

  67. ms. docweasel
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    The first thing I thought of when I read the Beetle Bailey strip was “great, now they’ve descended into cannibalism”

  68. JonnyT
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    Re Beetle Bailey: Ah, we’ve establish that the sarge is gay. But what of his Asian colleague? Could he be testing the waters for his own coming out party? A nod to the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? In terms of being topical, we could be witnessing Beetle Bailey becoming the new Doonesbury! Next thing you know Beetle will be talking to his pot plants.

  69. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    Sarge does have sexual urges, it’s just that he can’t separate them from his all-encompassing obsession with food. The notion of putting an attractive woman through a meat grinder and consuming her as some sort of sordid indulgence is the closest he can come to a sexual fantasy.

  70. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:18 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#50, 58):

    Bullwinkle J. Moose guest stars in this Betty Boop & Felix strip from 1987:

  71. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Then swans are elitist geese. It’s really fun to say “elitist geese”!

    BBlues: …and she was terminally pretty

    Crank: And Ed has the gift of AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHHHHH!!!

    ECity: A cult! I knew it!

    FW: Opportunity! Leave his sorry, Lisa-obsessed ass!

    Phantom: “Uh, hello? I’m right here! Jeez, no wonder you guys were caught!”

    Oversnarpologies where required by law.

  72. Karen
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    Or maybe Sarge is a cannibal and the idea of human-meatloaf really turns him on.

  73. Tafadhali
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    I am not scared of geese so much as reasonably wary. I nearly biked over a gaggle of goslings yesterday, but obviously braked before that happened, and the mother just slowly advanced on me hissing while I backpedaled to a safe distance down the path.

  74. Dan
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:27 am [Reply]

    So sure, Sarge is gay. But apparently Corporal Yo is a 10 year old who’s just teetering on the edge of puberty, and wants to know if the changes he’s going through are normal. “Do you ever get excited when you see a pretty girl? I think I’m growing hair in strange places.”

  75. Alan's Addiction
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:28 am [Reply]

    Although I’m not terribly fond of geese, I have to admit that I’m rooting for them in today’s “Marmaduke,” if only because I’m kind of curious as to what creatures would have the ability to destroy an unholy hell-spawn like Marmaduke. Also because, if the geese are successful, I can see a whole line of vampire/demon/supernatural defenses being based on geese, which I find hilarious. Just imagine Max von Sidow siccing a goose on Linda Blair in “The Exorcist.”
    As we see in today’s “Beetle Bailey,” Sarge has sublimated all of his repressed sexual desires into a food obsession. This explains a lot about the character, from his constant overeating to his weird views on men and women.

  76. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Or…cannibalism! I’ll bet nobody’s thought of THAT!

  77. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    Marm – “Poseurs! This is the way you goose-step!”

  78. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey — Sarge actually has a hankering for Michael Lee Aday a/k/a “Meatloaf”:

  79. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#78): So Sarge wants a little paradise by the dashboard light?

  80. Jessy
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:39 am [Reply]

    FW: Yes, Cayla. Wrong answer, wrong guy. And he is not even taking you on a date, for pity’s sake! You are sitting on his front porch swing! Look at the sky! Isn’t that constellation spellling out “Leave now, he’s a self-centered jerkface”?

  81. Dood
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Like a bat out of hell, maybe Sarge just views everybody through the prism of how well they would do impersonating an aging rock star and actor.

  82. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:42 am [Reply]

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  83. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#57):

    S-M: EEEEEEEEventually this storyline will come to an end.

    Stan’s just picking up, or rather, spooling out Dick Locher’s slack.

  84. Bill Thompson
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#61): re: S-M My money is still on the sharpened sticks, mainly because it’s been done before. It would creative, in a way, if Martine crashed through a skylight and fell into a conveniently-placed tanning bed. In Spidernap, “creativity” means “we found a way to avoid showing action.”

  85. But What Do I Know?
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    MT — In panel 3, why is the one speech balloon talking to the other?

    RMMD — OMG, what did the lawyer do to that poor woman?

    SM — It’s ironic that Morbius was able to catch our “hero” and MJ when the jumped off the roof, and able to grab MJ when Martine was dangling her over the edge, but is completely helpless when Martine accidentally stumbles over the edge. And by ironic I mean really really stupid. . .

    The Ghost Who Wires — More numbers for everyone!!!!

  86. GagWriter
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    When Sarge wonders what a great meatloaf Miss Buxley would make, I assume he’s not referring to gender roles but to cannibalism.

  87. Jessy
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Now that Rex has diagnosed Dex with dementia and secretly lobotomized Berna in the Morgans’ basement, I predict that he and June will pay off that mortgage soon!

  88. Mibbitmaker
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:56 am [Reply]

    Popeye: Symbolic of Popeye and Bluto in the cartoons. Now, off to scrub my mind all clean and shiny after that observation…

    PCity: Go found a militia, Carmen! There’s a big difference between healthy skepticism of government and wacky paranoia.

    RMMD: “…..uh….. Berna?…. Omigod, guys, I think she’s having a stroke!….”

  89. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    S-M – Ok, my knowledge of vampire folklore is kinda limited, but I thought the only way they can be killed is to be devoured by werewolves, ripped apart by other vampires, or have their hearts broken by bland teens in stupid novels. This fall is gonna kill Martine how again?

  90. fightonusc
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:03 am [Reply]

    You’re misreading the key phrase in “Beetle Bailey” – Sarge says “…what a great meatloaf she could make” to mean “what if she was ground up as an ingredient in a meatloaf”? Sarge doesn’t objectify women, he ingredientizes them.

  91. Yarborough
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    I don’t think I want to know what Sarge is interested in, sexually. And I certainly don’t want to know what “meatloaf” is a euphemism for.

  92. Walker of Dog
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:11 am [Reply]

    DT: In another refreshing nod to realism, Mr. Curtis addresses one of the lesser-known difficulties that arise during a shootout: the call of nature. While Hot Rize is fortunate to find a convenient, unoccupied and private ‘hopper’ to do her business, the Food and Drug Administration will be less pleased.

    Phan: Poindexter, at your current ambling pace, there’s probably no need to cling so tightly to that purple Spandex, although I’m sure the nipple play is appreciated.

    RMMD: Martin Scorsese lost a bet.

  93. Jessy
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    Cute story . . . and because he is now your Beloved Spouse, we can all smile. Les, alsas, will never be anything but a self-absorbed douchebag . . .

  94. Chip Whittle
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    Barney Google: Aw, what a good father. Snuffy Smif went and made a child’s toy out of the revenooer.

    Between Friends: I think what I like most about this strip is the thoughtful dialogue between irritating shrill face one and irritating shrill face two.

    Crankshaft: Crankshaft Non-Elderly Female Unit has confused Rose “striking up conversations with perfect strangers” and Rose “haranging people for buying Bambi and Bambi’s Girlfriend dolls at the Disney Store”.

    Crock: Well, this intrusion of the Mighty Nebookanezzer isn’t at all faintly unsettling to read after the passing of Bill Rechin.

    Gil Thorp: I’m so glad Gil Thorp is doing for school board politics and the movement to destroy all unions everywhere what it’s done for high school sports: leave me hopelessly confused in the face of dialogue meant to establish plot or show personality.

  95. vanya
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    The urban dictionary defines “Meatloaf” as “To recieve oral stimulation in a satisying and pleasing manner”.

    I assume that is what Sarge is referring to.

  96. Jessy
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#64): And my comment above was to you, though somehow it failed to link. :)

  97. Little Guy
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @TheLundbom (#11): I think you just made an indirect Lady Gaga reference.

  98. Walker of Dog
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    MW: Guests of Chez Corey receive a complimentary pile of slop in a pie pan PLUS a free face-tanning session with a 10,000-watt bulb (maximum session duration: thirty seconds).

    S-M: Martine reaches for her doughnuts.

    FW: Do I correctly understand recent events; Les has had sexual relations with a woman he doesn’t love? Scandal and outrage! Will he die at the pudgy hands of those naked Love Is hippies, or be pecked and clawed to death by indignant Pluggers?

    BB: *waves pennant labeled ‘Cannibalism’*

  99. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    BB: Corporal Yo prepares to report cannibalism in the ranks to higher-ups at the Pentagon. (He already knows General Halftrack is a lost cause.) It will come as quite a relief to find out that Sarge is only a chauvinist with… certain leanings.

    A3G: To the surprise of no one, Tommie reveals that she just kind of gave up on everything years ago. Unlike Lu Ann, though, she has learned to read.

    RMMD: Either Berna laughs way too easy, or she still hates lawyers so much that she’s about to sneeze in Miller’s face.

    Phantom: Guys, I know the Now-Holey-Ghost never read your Miranda rights, but at some point shutting the hell up is just common sense.

    Archie: There’s something just plain wrong about seeing Jughead in a muscle shirt.

    FC: Grandma should remind Billy that he’s going to be old one day too. Or not, if she can find a twentieth story room with an unsecured window.

    FW: “Gee Cayla, I think you’re swell for a gal with a pulse and everything. But that’s just not what I’m looking for.”

    DT: Hot Rize really is going the whole Cagney hog, and she knows the classics like, “Fat chance, copper!” Next I expect the flour mill will go up in flames, and she’ll cry out, “Made it, Doughboy! Top of the world!”

    MW: He’s always in the mood for Mary’s cooking? And here we thought that Liza was the crazy one.

    WofI: Look, I can just about deal with trite jokes about having to clean up dragon crap. But did you have to make the dragons “just pinched a good loaf” face so realistic?

  100. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    @But What Do I Know? (#85):

    MT — In panel 3, why is the one speech balloon talking to the other?

    Because there’s no giant animal available.

    Nature abhors a vacuum so speech balloons start talking to each other.

    They’re in a cave. You’d think a bat would be about somewhere.

  101. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Walker of Dog (#98):

    Will he die at the pudgy hands of those naked Love Is hippies, or be pecked and clawed to death by indignant Pluggers?

    Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. Not for the casual sex, just general karma.

  102. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    WizId: Premade for halloween pranks!

  103. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:31 am [Reply]

    FW – It’s all a matter of perception. If Les would have said exactly what he said, but would have been drawn breaking out into a cold sweat, or bugeyed about what he has heard, or anything that indicated that he was flustered, I would have easily accepted his saying ‘I really care about you, too’ as a natural flub. Hell, I probably would have stumbled some in that situation; anyone would. But his calm, cold demeanor just kills any sympathy I would have felt in that situation.

    Does Batiuk even realize how much of an ass he’s making his avatar out to be? Even if he were to call it ‘writing,’ it’s truly bad writing. Even the worst characters I write have some redeeming qualities, otherwise no one in the story would have anything to do with them.

  104. Klipper
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:32 am [Reply]

    Sarge’s comment is neither food related or cannibalistic. He’s correctly stating that pretty women make for a nice place to “loaf your meat”. Pretty women, a tube sock slathered in jelly or a pillowcase filled with warm water balloons and shampoo – all very nice places to “loaf one’s meat”.

  105. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    GT – What’s that high school girl doing there telling her teachers about her best friend in Detroit? I thought kids weren’t allowed in the teacher’s lounge.

  106. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    Ceiling Dog remains impassive to Basement Cat’s blandishments.

    as implied in Beetle Bailey.


    The Daily Puppy is a Lab mix and very adorable.

    spoiled corgi are spoiled.

    Pudge. (the lady at OCD’s new corgi pup.)

  107. Greg
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    BB: When will this country wake up and allow men and meatloaf to marry??

  108. Chip Whittle
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: I can’t help it, the more I see the Dim Gang’s plan the more adorably cute I find it. The repeated thefts of electronic stores to get “a lot of partying money” is so wonderful I think the only way to improve it is for them to somehow chain a raccoon to a hi-fi.

    Mary Worth: Leftover Mary Worth chicken pot pies. Let those words roll around your tongue some. Now imagine the smile on your face as James Lileks gets around to reviewing them.

    The Phantom: I understand the real plot is The Ghost Who Takes Bullets Quite Well showing off how well he takes bullets, but we’re spending more time on wrapping up the embezzling story than we spent on the embezzling story.

    Pluggers: Oh, Jim Holcombe is one of those fancy-pants high-faluting Pluggers who doesn’t think a clepsydra is good enough for him anymore, is he?

    Rex Morgan: Oh, good grief, we spent six months driving back and forth to Rex’s office and we get the cashing in of the Lottery ticket between panels? Locher and Brozman had a better sense of pacing.

    Spider-Man: Oh, no! Martine’s lost her balance! Falling like that the only thing to hold her up will be how her center of gravity is three feet away from the edge!

  109. Mooncattie
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    FW – “I love you!”
    Les couldn’t believe his ears. This was all coming along so much more quickly than the last time. And now it was all falling into place. A declaration of love before Memorial Day. The Fourth of July Picnic “lump”. The hilarious mis-diagnosis for Labor Day (“not a sprained knee at all!”), and then, Deadly, Delicious cannnncer and the final goodbye, oh let’s make it two days before Christmas! By this time next year, Cayla’s Story will be soaring up the best-seller lists and life will be sweeter than ever!
    And then.
    And then.
    It will be Susan’s turn.

    But first thing’s first. Let’s reel this baby in, nice and easy.
    “I really care about you too.”

  110. Markie
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    Geese are elitist evil incarnate. Period. That said, I always amaze passengers in my car when I happen on some geese in the road. Instead of stopping, like everyone else does, I just keep on the gas. Yeah, they can move REALLY FAST when they have to!! (evil grin!)

  111. Calico
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    Geese can be nasty, and so can swans. (The Oi in French, the Wawa in a Native American dialect)
    For years there have been too many Canada Geese in Farfield County, CT – once driving along Rt. 7 down to Stamford (I think it was in Wilton, CT?) there was a Mama geese and her children, happily lounging on and blocking a sidewalk by the road. No one got near them; I imagine any poor unknowing pedestrians would have been torn to pieces if they got near the babies.

  112. Tagged
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Non Sequitur: Nope, nothing even remotely political here…move on people, move on to your Funkys and your Worths..

  113. Mark B
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    It’s a good thing that today’s Dick Tracy didn’t involve Hot Rize stealing a space coupe from Diet Smith. I’d hate to have to say that there’s a bad Rize on the moon.

  114. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    I always thought every man, woman and child should have a good goose now and then.

  115. Calico
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    @fightonusc (#90):
    Sarge has recently read Sinclair’s “The Jungle”, and he really really liked it.

  116. captainswift
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Sarge, buddy, Miss Buxley doesn’t have near enough meat on her to make a good meatloaf. You want that female sergeant you often hang out with.

  117. Calico
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#34):
    Eeeeeew, looks like she’s in a coffin…made of fish.
    I hope no cats are nearby.

  118. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    Phantom – I like how The Ghost Who Wears Color-Coordinated Underpants is leading the prisoners along not only by binding their wrists, but by tying them together by the neck. That’s pretty severe; I don’t even think the LAPD does this anymore.

  119. Kinghasnoclothes
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    FW: Les’s answer to Cayla’s declaration of love should have been, “Duh…of course.”

  120. Katy
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:58 am [Reply]

    My wish to backhand Cayla is nearly as strong as my hate for Les. I’m all about the casual sex. Casual sex FTW! But:

    Let X = the number of people in the group.
    Let Y = the number of people for whom it’s casual.

    If X does not equal Y, STOP. STOP RIGHT THE HELL NOW. NO, SERIOUSLY, STOP, AND GET UP, AND WALK OUT THE DOOR. All of you. And go to different homes when it’s time to go to sleep.

    This has been a public service announcement from someone who’s been on the wrong side of the equation, which is to say, both sides.

  121. Mark B
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:01 pm [Reply]

    FW: Let’s just be friends … with benefits.

  122. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Jessy (#80):

    They haven’t been on ANY dates. And she expects some emotional commitment from him. Cayla, get some therapy. You’ve been used like a Kleenex on a rainy morning. And get out of town. Everyone knows it by now.

  123. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:07 pm [Reply]

    @Maggie the Cat (#37):

    Berna didn’t call the attorney because her parents had been ripped off years earlier by one, so she wanted the Morgans to be the adults and take care of her. My money is on either Mr. Lawyer ripping her off, or that Dexter has the real winning ticket (remember, she bought two) and has cashed it in at the lottery office and is getting his photo taken for the publicity posters. (When Oregon started its lottery, having your photo taken and used for publicity was part of the agreement you entered into when you bought the ticket.)

  124. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    DT – Prediction: Hot Rize will take shelter in the hopper, where the air will be filled with flour dust. As any good Midwestern farm kid who’s spent any time around a grain elevator knows, grain dust in the air can be highly explosive. So when Rize fires at Sam and Tracy, the muzzle blast will ignite the air-flour mixture and kaboom! Hot Fried Rize, which is the sick gag this whole story has been building toward. Somewhere, Chester Gould will be shedding tears of joy.

  125. CanuckDownSouth
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:14 pm [Reply]

    @Captain Plaid Pants (#66): @Katy (#120): I do want to slap Cayla with a clue-by-4 that she deserves better!, but mostly this makes me hate Les.

    Yeah, regardless of your moral position on casual sex, Les is acting badly. Remember that porch sitdown months back? Les said something like “happy endings should be earned”. He was clearly indicating that their relationship wasn’t casual, and that getting physical would mean something important to him.

    Cayla was an idiot to take him to bed in what looks like a desperate way to get something from Les other than being ignored, made to feel less than Lisa, or in competition with Susan. But he’s the one who bloody well led her on to think that if they did, it would mean something about his feelings for her. And Les’ bland response doesn’t work. As ScottBot #103 indicates, any dialogue or art to show him flustered and flubbing a response would be reasonable, but this strip comes off as ridiculously self-absorbed (yeah, I know, apply that to *all* FW)

  126. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    RMMD – Some people dream of buying a fancy car or a boat when they win the lottery. But all Berna’s ever wanted is to have her own attorney.

  127. commodorejohn
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:20 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Tommie, it’s entirely within the realm of possibility that Iris actually is your fairy godmother. Or the aunt version of one (you know, like Irene’s great-great-grandmother in The Princess and the Goblin.)

    A&J – {:D [*]

    A.D. – When you’re a walking tank with a mace built-in, you don’t take shit from anybody.

    BB – Psst, FBI? You may want to take a look in Mort Walker’s basement.

    Crankshaft – See, Crankshaft is actively disdainful of joy and human warmth, but it’s just such a breath of fresh air compared with the barely-supressed suicidal depression all the other Funkiverse characters have.

    Crock – …this is a bit awkward.

    FW – Well great, now I want Les dead even more.

    Luann – This makes negative sense.

    MT – I should be laughing at “We need to think of some way to throw suspicion on that guy in the mountains!” but I’m too busy wondering what kind of event constitues “partying” for three ’70s-haired thirtysomethings who I think are supposed to be young adults.

    Marmaduke – It’s Marmaduke, co-starring the delicious talents of Gabble Ratchet!

    MW – Welp, he’s a lost cause.

    Phantom – They’re the inverse of Ron Paul!

    SM – You know, I’m used to Spider-Man only winning because the villains are even more incompetent than he is, but I think this is the first time I’ve seen one of the villains win for Spider-Man because the other villain is even more incompetent. Never let it be said that this strip doesn’t subvert your expectations!

  128. Maggie the Cat
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know why we’re discussing geese and swans, but for the record I want to say that large, water dwelling birds are evil minions of Satan. They should be run over, eaten, or otherwise obliterated at each opportunity.

    That is all.

  129. ScienceGiant
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    And seeing as today’s strip proves that they’re more powerful than Marmaduke, and we already know that Marmaduke is more powerful than God, humanity pretty much has no chance.

    So what you’re saying is this is the way the world ends: not with a bang but with a “HONK!”? Couldn’t it at least have been an actual swan song?

  130. Dood
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey: Look at how Cpl. Yo and Sgt. Snorkel are dancing towards Miss Buxley in perfect Busby Berkeley fashion. Are they honing their comedy-dancing act — “Do you ever get excited when you see a pretty girl?” — for the Camp Swampy Follies?

  131. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#126):

    Oh, Berna does plan on buying a fancy car with her earnings–one that will make her look younger and thinner; she told that to June. And then June goes and agrees with Rex that Dexter is the one who’s getting dementia.

  132. ScienceGiant
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    Seconded. Out of all the enlisted men to set up the joke, you mean Walker did NOT go with Killer? What was the point of the pillow humping then?

  133. kkarenb
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#94):
    Re: Gil Thorp (your mouseover) – I think it was a comment about parents being lazy and uninvolved with their kids’ school. They’re too lazy to even get their kids up in the morning; the kids pretty much raise themselves. I’m saying this as clumsily as the characters in the strip did, but personally I agree with everything the teachers in this strip said today.

    FC – I can imagine the little twerp saying, “Boy, you’re old! Are you an antique?” But “..considered an antique?” Would any child actually say this? Too many of these so-called cute sayings and cute l’il malprops are just stupid things that no child would ever say.

    Rose Is Rose – Did anyone notice the ACK? Eeek!

    FW – Les: “I care about you, but I’m afraid I don’t love you. I still love my wife, Lisa. Did I mention that she’s dead? Of cancer.”
    Could this man be any more of a tool?

  134. Marc
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    Luann- I have a horrible sinking feeling that we’re going to be, and I use this word very loosely, “treated” to a week long giddy, extremely awkward makeout session between Luann and Blonde, Australian TJ. Almost the same way we are every time, there is a Brad/Toni story line. Two nauseating kissing panels, and then a crappy joke.

    Greg Evans is a grown man writing a strip about teenage girls getting into awkward semi sexual situations, and when they have nothing to do with their hands, applying make up. Why hasn’t he been committed to an assylum yet?

  135. Steve the Pocket
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:48 pm [Reply]

    Funky Winkerbean: Could be worse. Knowing him, I was kind of expecting “I know.” Or even “I love me too.”

    Pluggers: Heck, that could be anyone who lives in the Midwest, given how often we have storms that knock out the power.

    Prickly City: “And Bush did 9/11! Wait a second…”

  136. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    @Pseudo3D (#51):

    I’m looking forward to the horrible death of Hot Rize, presumably as she gets baked into biscuits or something

    Ask and ye shall receive:

  137. forgot
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    if I had a 6 million lottery ticket Id be at the lottery office before you could say dex! Les has always been like the most clueless guy in the world and if liza fell for him and he rejected her shed go overdose on sleeping pills the way susan did a few years ago

  138. Tom the Sailor Man
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    My nomination for COTW is that one about Beetle Bailey and the cannibalism.

  139. ZitherFan
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:55 pm [Reply]

    Some people like swans (well, maybe too much…):

  140. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    @Tom the Sailor Man (#138): “In the event of multiple correct answers, the winner will be selected at random from the correct entries.”

  141. tb4000
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:57 pm [Reply]

    It’s a common fact that Canada Geese are assholes. They are the only bird that you could actually attempt to feed, and right after they take the food, will hiss and chase your ass regardless.

  142. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 12:58 pm [Reply]

    @Maggie the Cat (#128):

    large, water dwelling birds are evil minions of Satan. They should be run over, eaten, or otherwise obliterated at each opportunity.

    “Hitch” agrees with you:

  143. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:03 pm [Reply]

    Beetle: I guess the best Sarge can ever do is just “gum” his meatloaf, as it appears that he only has one tooth.

    FC: “No, Billy. But YOU are most definitely considered to be an ‘Accident’!”

    Funk the Stupid Bean: “I really care about you too, Leese, er, Cayla.”

    Luann: Tomorrow we will see Quill make the suggestion of playing a quick game called “Just the Tip”….

    Marvin: *YAAAAWN*

    MW: “Dad, this is Liza, my shadow!”

    RMMD: Waitaminit. For huge payouts, I thought you had to go down to the lottery office so they can verify the ticket, they call a press conference, and you get put through an orientation on how life is going to be a lot more complicated now that everyone will be able to find out who you are.

    Other than that, Berna looks like she just let a massive fart in the last panel.

  144. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:04 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Wait. If Morbius the Human-Vampire can fly, way can’t Martine the Vampire-Vampire also fly? I mean, if Morbius’s flying ability doesn’t come from his vampire nature, where does it from come? I understand it can be tough keeping tracking continuity in a decades-old superhero universe, but is it too much to ask for some consistency within a single storyline?

    FW: Oh, how I want that switch of realization to flip in Cayla’s head and have her respond in a cooing baby voice, “Who’s mommy-wommy’s handsome little emotional cripple? You are! Yes you are! Oh yes you are! Nummynummynummynummy!” and raspberry his stomach—for, I dunno, about a week’s worth of strips.

    @Walker of Dog (#92):

    RMMD: Martin Scorsese lost a bet.

    Thank goodness that’s who that is! I was puzzling over what sort Gengis Khan-style atrocities Harvey Pekar had secretly committed to merit being reincarnated as Dex.

    @vanya (#95): What’s it called when one receieves oral stimulation of a non-pleasing, dissatisfying manner? (No soy/TVP/Qorn/meat-substitute jokes. Too obvious.)

  145. dale
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:12 pm [Reply]

    Rhymes with Ohgofuckyourself

    What’s funny about needing cataract surgery?

  146. kanomi
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    Mary Worth: Suggestions for saving Mary Worth, by Homer Simpson:

    “One, Mary Worth needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Marys’s not in the comic strip, all the other characters should be asking ‘Where’s Mary?’ Three…”

    Wizard of id: Who said today’s newspaper comics aren’t blazing new artistic ground with challenging material, defying delicate middle class sensibilities? Feces, ladies and gentlemen. We have feces. Not just alluded to, not just talked about incessantly. But finally, fully illustrated and set on fire for you, just in time for breakfast.

  147. wossname
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @Tom the Sailor Man (#138):

    My nomination for COTW is that one about Beetle Bailey and the cannibalism.

    Sorry, the float’s not that big. Oh, you mean the FIRST one
    to mention it! :)

  148. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    MW: Is a chicken pot pie on which no one has eaten be considered a “leftover?”

  149. Bill Thompson
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#144): Yes, we’ll have consistency in this Spiderfail. Once Martine is destroyed, Spiderputz will wake up, see Morbius holding the unconscious MJ, and we’ll be back to square one. “I won’t let you kill her, Morbius!” — “You don’t understand! I just saved her!” Then Morbius will fly away and brood.

  150. But What Do I Know?
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#100): Fair enough. Thanks for clearing that up.

  151. Walker of Dog
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    @Steve the Pocket (#135): I was hoping Les would give the ultimate ambiguous response: “Ditto.”

  152. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Markie (#110): Gotta be careful with that, though. I’ve been driving in the country and had the little bastards start chasing my car. When I’m doing sixty. So not only are they evil incarnate, but they’re also fairly stupid.

  153. Ellie
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    I can’t even imagine Cayla and Les getting it on, since neither one of them has even a shred of sex appeal. It would either be hilarious or painful to watch :-o

  154. steve
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    BB: Sarge is either gay or a cannibal, take your pick.

  155. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:31 pm [Reply]

    Meatloaf is Murder!

  156. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Miss Buxley: One hell of a nice gal, often mistaken for meatloaf.

  157. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:33 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#156): Maybe he’s a gay cannibal.

    Hey, that sounds like a new swimming pool move.

  158. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:42 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#134): I see you spelled “asylum” with two esses. In the context of “Luann”, it could not be more appropriate.

  159. Pozzo
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Those geese don’t look so intimidating. A single house-sized squirrel from Mark Trail could wipe out the whole flock.

  160. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    The writing in today’s Apartment 3-G is an example of what Pluggers would be like if Reed Hoover was really, really depressed.

  161. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#143):

    RMMD: Waitaminit. For huge payouts, I thought you had to go down to the lottery office so they can verify the ticket, they call a press conference, and you get put through an orientation on how life is going to be a lot more complicated now that everyone will be able to find out who you are.

    Which is why I think that the lawyer has taken it, just like the financial adviser took the money from her parents.

  162. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#160): That brings up the question, what kind of Pluggers are the characters of A3G. I’m pretty sure Margo would be a she-goose.

  163. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:57 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#155): that’s a rather tender subject.

    another slice, anyone?

  164. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#162): LuAnn would have to be a poodle.

  165. Chip Whittle
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:00 pm [Reply]

    @kkarenb (#133):

    I think it was a comment about parents being lazy and uninvolved with their kids’ school. They’re too lazy to even get their kids up in the morning; the kids pretty much raise themselves. I’m saying this as clumsily as the characters in the strip did, but personally I agree with everything the teachers in this strip said today.

    Aah, OK. Thank you for helping; that turns it into just clumsily stated dialogue instead of baffling dialogue.

    Freshly Squeezed would just like to remind kids, parents, and grandparents that kids are awful, awful people who should just go away already.

    Get Fuzzy: OK, I give up. Is it a rerun or not? Rob’s comeback to Bucky’s vow of revenge is amusing but I’m pretty sure I heard it before.

    Kit ‘n’ Carlyle: a golf joke? A golf joke? In Kit ‘n’ Carlyle, the cat strip so generically cat that Herb and Jamaal think it could be less bland? What is a golf joke doing here? There’s not even a character in the strip who plays golf.

    Nancy: You know what would make Nancy’s soundtrack-to-her-life more interesting? If she had Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher’ on there.

    Tarzan: “Are you going to kill the poacher, Mark Tarzan?” “No, Ito, just a warning shot! Wait, that’s spooked the horse! OK, it’s tumbled over and crushed the guy’s lungs…um…well, he’s probably someone who did something he deserves to be punished for, I bet.”

  166. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#162): I would have figured Margo to be a pit bull. Or a Rottweiler.

  167. tb4000
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    FW: The irony is that won’t even deter her from wanting Les.

  168. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#148):

    It is if the “chicken” used to make it is last-week’s leftover salmon squares.

  169. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Marc (#134):

    You make a good point……A grown man who draws a comic strip about teenage girls in awkward semi-sexual situations. He also tends to draw these young girls showing a high degree of camel-toe. Kinda creepy when you think about it. Sorta like that creepy guy down the street who fantasizes about having a daughter so he can invite a bunch of little girls over to his house for a slumber party.

    I think he’s a man who is permanently wounded by events that happened to him in Junior/Senior High School. It’s almost like he uses his comic strip as a way of performing some sort of therapy on himself, with him playing “God” over the lives of teenaged cartoon girls who represent REAL girls from his past…….just like Lynn Johnston uses/used FBOFW as therapy for her whole hairy mess of personal issues.

  170. Esther Blodgett
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:14 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#136): See, Miss Buxley would make a good meatloaf. And then Sarge could eat it. ‘Cause I hear he’s a cannibal.

  171. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:18 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#170): Wow, this is the first I’ve heard it, and I’ve been posting most of the day.

  172. Dood
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:19 pm [Reply]

    You know, I always imagine what a great chicken pot pie Mary Worth could make.

  173. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#169): “Sorta like that creepy guy down the street who fantasizes about having a daughter so he can invite a bunch of little girls over to his house for a slumber party.”

    he’s posted it to Literotica. . . .

  174. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    @Dood (#172): Didn’t Warrant write a song about that? ‘She’s my chicken pot pie…’

  175. Johnny Q
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:22 pm [Reply]

    “I always imagine what a great meatloaf she could make!” Sarge is into cannibalism.

  176. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#174): art so bad, make a grown man cry,
    Mary’s pot pie!

  177. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:31 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#174): When I finally take over for Moy, I’m totally going to use Warrant lyrics for Mary’s words of wisdom.

  178. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#144) asked:

    What’s it called when one receieves oral stimulation of a non-pleasing, dissatisfying manner?

    That would be called “going to the Bum Boat.”

  179. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:37 pm [Reply]

    BB: Given that this is Mort Walker, I think the original gag was supposed to be Cpl. Yo replying “Really? I always thought Otto would make a good stir-fry, myself.”

  180. Chip Whittle
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:39 pm [Reply]

    The Argyle Sweater: Wait, I thought the coach was doused in Gatorade when the team had something to celebrate, and the Wicked Witch there is clearly shown coaching the Lions.

    Baldo: I don’t mean to nitpick, but that’s not “old world wisdom”, just parental nagging.

    Compu-Toon: I applaud Compu-Toon‘s keen power of observation; I, too, have noticed how many elevators are actually just closets with an unbroken surface leading to the main floor.

    The LeftyBosco Picture Show: Shouldn’t the title of this be “A Night Of The Lepus At The Opera?” Anyway, it’s nice to know there’s quality entertainment options for Mark Trail animals.

    Pibgorn: Hey, good news, if your attention drifted away there. It’s the return of the character we don’t know anything about doing we don’t know what, but she’s a naked fairy succubus something with scraggly hair.

    Reply All: “I heard that the owner takes the mic on occasion. Supposedly she’s really jaded and totally bitter. Her songs reek of contempt and disdain. She’s a lover of comic strips.”

    Reynolds Unwrapped: They removed a ‘whoppie cushion’? Fine, but I hope they’re going to implant it in Les Moore.

    You know, Sarge finds the ‘whoppie cushion’ the least satisfying part of the victim to eat.

  181. Little Guy
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy (#169): When Sparky Schultz does it, it becomes magic.

    Darrin Bell definitely has deep feelings about single-parenthood and fatherlessness for African-American youth.

    Does that mean Batliuk has Cancer issues? McE has gender/sexuality/fetish issues?

    I don’t even what to know what Rat and the Crocs mean to Pastis.

  182. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:42 pm [Reply]

    @The Spectacular Spider-Brick (#178): Ah! So tomorrow we can expect to see this scene…

    Mary: Nurse Liza seems like such a nice girl. Why is it you don’t like her…

    Dr. Drew: Well, Mary, not that it’s any of your business, but she Bum Boated me on our second date.

    Mary: Oh my! Did you at least try the Shrimp Scampi?

    Dr. Drew: She won’t do that. She says it’s degrading to women.

    Mary: Well I never! Looks like a certain nurse needs to read some St. Paul!

  183. Not just any Dipstick
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#180): Whoppie, Whoopie. Speling dunt cont.

  184. Nick@Nite
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    I’m not surprised Corporal Yo gets excited when he sees a pretty girl. With the racist, barely-there slits for eyes the illustrators give him, it must be exciting when he sees anything at all.

  185. bats :[
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#34): oh, fine. All this talk of food in the comics. Bad enough. Then you showed that photo. Swell.
    And now all I can think of is Mary laid out naked on Jeff’s coffee table, decorated with chicken pot pies and salmon squares…

  186. Little Guy
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    @Effluvius Erratus (#144): There’s only so much continuity you can keep when your Groundhog Day dialogue is limited to “his”, “a”, “drink”, “must”, “you”, “blood”, “her”, “vampire”, and “become”.

  187. Fashion Police
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    We sincerely hope that Dr. Cory the Elder’s matchy-matchy teal shirt and sweater-vest outfit includes matching slacks and patent-leather shoes. We were not aware that anyone still shopped the Doug Sanders collection.

    We believe it’s generally true that most people remain fondest of the style of music popular when they were in high school. In Dr. Cory’s case that seems to have translated to the golf attire of his youth. ‘Tis a pity he was born too late to become fixated on the Gene Sarazen era.

  188. Yo Paulie
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    BB: You youngsters might not remember when Corporal Yo was introduced to the strip. He not only looked Asian but acted Asian and Walker was heavily criticized for his stereotyping. Sadly, there are no human rights watch groups for alcoholic generals; slacker county-boy privates; jive lieutenants; techno-nerds; and, most sadly, obese, misogynist, cannibalistic, gay sergeants.

  189. Fashion Police
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:58 pm [Reply]

    Oh, Miss Abigail Thompson! We have never given up wishing that you had never fallen to such utter depths of drabness! We know you still have it in you. Oh, where are the Miss Thompsons of yesteryear?

  190. Artist formerly known as Ben
    May 25th, 2011 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#167):

    FW: The irony is that won’t even deter her from wanting Les.

    I think the word you’re looking for is “abomination.”

  191. Peanut Gallery
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#52):

    MW: That’s not chicken, it’s… well, let me put it this way: have you ever seen Sweeney Todd?

    So, along with Beetle Bailey, that’s two Sweeney Todd references today!

  192. hungry?
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    Okay, color me wrong. I immediately thought of cannibalism.

  193. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:09 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#180): re: Pibgorn: That’s Dru’s daughter, Henmellyn. Of course, some confusion is to be expected as she hasn’t been seen for seven fucking years – and that was when she was dying, no less.

    Of course, Pib’s running into her in Hell, so it all makes sense.

    Actually, the original Henmellyn story was pretty good, although not without pretension. But this is Brooke we’re talking about…

  194. Poteet
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    RMMD — I’ll have the attorney she’s having.

  195. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:15 pm [Reply]

    @Fashion Police (#189):

    Oh, where are the Miss Thompsons of yesteryear?

    How the mighty have fallen:

    (That’s Lucille Ball Tommie Thompson on the left!)

  196. Poteet
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:16 pm [Reply]

    MT — So they keep stealing and storing and stealing and storing and they haven’t figured out yet how they’re going to dispose of the goods? I think I understand why no one wants to hire these guys.

  197. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#195): And Joan Collins – er, Margo Magee – on the right.

  198. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    de-de-de-dee-de-de-de-dee-de This just in.

    Mary uses real pot in her pot pies.

  199. Phred22
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    S-M: Now let’s not have Martine realize she probably can fly (like Mobius) and let’s get on to some new idiocy.

  200. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @Markie (#110):And look how well that worked for Captain Sullenburger.

  201. Liam
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-This explains all the times Sarge has been beating Beetle. Sarge has been tenderizing him.

    Marmaduke-Tired of living under Marm’s dictatorship the geese have banded together to overthrow him.

  202. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#197):

    Not shown: Tuesday Weld Lu Ann Powers

  203. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#185):

    And now all I can think of is Mary laid out naked on Jeff’s coffee table, decorated with chicken pot pies and salmon squares…

    Does that include a cherry?

  204. bats :[
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#203): not sure. Jerky might or might not be included as well…

  205. fightonusc
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    Hey, I noticed that we haven’t seen Otto in “Beetle Bailey” in a while and I’m wondering if that…OH MY GOD SARGE GOT SO HUNGRY THAT HE ATE OTTO AND IS NOW MOVING ON TO THE BASE’S STAFF!!!

  206. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#204): Jerky? Is that Dr. Jeff’s nickname?

  207. Poteet
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:37 pm [Reply]

    As often happens, we humans have substantially contributed to the evilness of which we complain by providing predator-free bodies of water with adjacent mowed grass, the Canada-goose idea of heaven. I think I read somewhere that Illinois is encouraging landowners to allow unmowed native vegetation next to water edges, which is less goose-friendly and is also much better for water quality.

  208. Poteet
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#207): Oops, sorry. I usually include a warning and/or apology with minor rants like that:-).

  209. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#208): What’s so advantageous to the geese about the mowed grass? Is the smug satisfaction they get from turning it into a gummy mass of sewageso great that it aids their propagation?

  210. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#209): Was that a rant? I thought it was a PSA.

  211. NoVan
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Marmaduke: I dunno, geese could actually be kept in check by a rock-paper-scissors scenario: God is more powerful than geese, geese are more powerful than Marmauduke, and Marmaduke is more powerful than God.

  212. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#210): Oops. That was meant for @Poteet (#208):

  213. ArchieNemesis
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:43 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#27): When it comes to plots that develop at a snail’s pace,
    Spiderman is the new Dick Tracy.

  214. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#208): Google answered my question. Take a way their clear view of the water and its surround and they don’t feel quite so superior.

  215. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#209): I think it’s because mowed grass makes it easier for birds to chomp away merrily on the bugs on the ground.

    The mower here at Casa Bot had been broken for a while, and our grass got to be incredibly long. Since I got reports that Dot and Tot Bot were getting lost in the wilderness, I finally borrowed a mower and tackled the grass. Immediately after I cut it, I had a swarm of blackbirds hanging around my yard, using the area as their own personal Hardee’s.

  216. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#213): “Drink her blood!”
    “I won’t drink her blood!”

  217. Scott Bot
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:45 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#214): And now my clever answer seems kinda dumb…

  218. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:46 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#209): They don’t like long grass because predators can hide in it. One of the reasons Canada geese take over places like golf courses and parks is that they mow the grass right down to the water’s edge. Since Canada geese are flightless while raising their young – they molt their flight feathers – they seek places where they can walk ashore safely.

  219. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#180): #33 Brandon McDonald seems to have put on a few pounds and changed races. 45 is FB Jerome Felton, who also is not white, and not named Powell. We don’t have a 7 on the team, esp not at QG which the facemask would indicate that players position to be.

    Once again, what could have been a decent joke ruined by a HACK!!!!!

  220. Rocky Stoneaxe
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Eagle attacks goose in mid-flight:

    (This one’s for Maggie the Cat and all the goose haters out there!)

  221. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:56 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#219): at least Speed Bump used an actual Lions player the last time one appeared.

  222. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

  223. ArchieNemesis
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#216): Thanks for summing up the last 3 weeks of Spiderman in 9 words of dialogue.

    And Effluvius Erratus at 144, several months ago, it seems, there was fight scene between Morbius and Spidey, where Morbius had light bones. So maybe the lady vamp has normal-weight bones, impairing her flight? Was that even Morbius in that fight scene? Wasn’t he asleep?
    This plotline is more loopy than Tom Cruise on Oprah.

  224. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#220): You do realize that eagles mate in flight, don’t you? Though I don’t think the goose seems particularly keen on joining the Mile High Club.

  225. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#196): So they keep stealing and storing and stealing and storing and they haven’t figured out yet how they’re going to dispose of the goods? I think I understand why no one wants to hire these guys.
    It’s what they get for taking crime advice from a giant talking squirrel.

  226. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#223): Oh! That’s right! He doesn’t fly…he “glides” like a flying squirrel or a condor riding the thermals. B-b-b-b-but would that mean he should have several dozen compound fractures after his brawl with Spider-Man because of his hollow bones? And, yes, the sleep thing is confusing, but I’ve been assuming it involved some sort of vampire hypnosis. Make sense Spider-Man! Make sense!

    And you, world, stop turning!

  227. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @ArchieNemesis (#223): I wish to commend the current arc of Spider-Man for being somewhat original. Yes, it is playing into the current fashion of vampires, but it’s certainly not copying any one vampire concept, even the one it established the week before. You try maintaining originality and sense while bound to the cycle of villain threatens society, hero naps, villain threatens hero, hero suffers setback, hero’s problem is coincidentally solved by villain, hero makes wisecrack and goes back to watching TV.

  228. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    My new supervillain identity, by the way, is “The Canadian Goose.”

  229. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:13 pm [Reply]

    Bad Canadian Goose cartoon.

  230. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:16 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#224): ‘Fly United’ as the old joke goes. (adultly juvenile, or vice versa.)

  231. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#230): Greg Evans should do one like that “Delta is ready when you are.”

  232. Braniff
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:20 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#230): Or they might be in Denver, CO (the biggest mile-high club in the world)

  233. Braniff
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    “A Whole Different Kind of Animal”–as they say at Frontier Airlines (based in Denver)

  234. Sequitur
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#231): I remember that Delta Air Lines once had the motto, “We get you there.” I know one thing, Spider Man can’t use that slogan.

  235. gnome de blog
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:35 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#196):
    They’re not people. They’re ginormous squirrels disguised as people.

  236. Fashion Police
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#195):
    We kind of hate to say it, but Miss Thompson’s current drab hair is an improvement on her glory days. But even our idols have feet of clay.

  237. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    apropos of nothing, someone over at Paheal is having fun applying the nude filter to the obvious recent Luann strips. (more juvenile and adult at the same time.)

    (its been raining all day, I’m bored. sue me.) :-P

  238. yaoi huntress earth
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:49 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#180): With Pibgorn, Henmyln (sp) was a main character in a story arc from a long time ago who found out she was a succubus and Drusilla’s artificially created daughter. Long story short, she died and hasn’t been mentioned for years.

    As for this story arc, Brooke has really gone above and beyond his usual shtick of confusion and pulling stuff out of his ass.

  239. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    otter haz a log. (Everyone loves a Log!)

    slowest squee ever! (vid of a sloth orphanage.)

  240. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#234): Of course, the all-time classic was National Airlines’ “I’m Cheryl. Fuck Me.” Of course, what the ad actually said was “Fly Me” but everyone knew what they meant.

  241. Jessy
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#122): They haven’t been on ANY dates??? I admit I never followed this strip till I started reading Comics Curmudgeon (thanks, Josh and all), so I am catching up. So I guess that “Why, Cayla, why?” will be added to my list of questions to ponder, along with “What could any woman, man, cat, or goldfish possibly see in smug, self-absorbed Les Moore?”

  242. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    @Jessy (#241): It’s like a baby’s arm, holding an apple. . . . .

  243. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#99):

    MW: He’s always in the mood for Mary’s cooking? And here we thought that Liza was the crazy one.

    Look at the expressions on their faces. I wonder what Mary puts into those chicken pot pies–cocaine or pot?

  244. Sgt. Saunders
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    BB: P3: Cpl. Yo: “Saage, you stoopi’fucka’hillbilly, you mean meatsreeve!”


  245. gnome de blog
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:23 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#243):

    I wonder what Mary puts into those chicken pot pies–cocaine or pot?

    You answered your own question. Chicken *pot* pies. Heh heh heh.

    Mary’s supposed to be “sixtyish.” Like me. I know what I was doing back in the 1960s, although the details are a little fuzzy.

  246. spike
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Bot (#33): I couln’t help but think of my late father-in-law when I read today’s FW. He always said there wasn’t any problem a ball-peen hammer couldn’t solve.

    @Cloudbuster (#35): Seth can’t accept he’s bi–this should lead to several great exchanges between him and Uncle Roger down the road.

    @Jessy (#80): Actually, the constellation spells out one of the following: (A) “Lisa”, (B) “Leese” or (C) “Cancer”.

  247. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#155): @Esther Blodgett (#170):

    So am I the only one who remembered that Meatloaf (Marvie Lee Aday) was in a Tales From the Crypt episode, where he was the main course?

  248. ElkMeadow
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    Mavin Lee Aday. Boy, what you catch after you hit the “post” button….

  249. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:32 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#247): with Christopher Reeves as the restaurant owner, if memory serves.

  250. Effluvius Erratus
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#245): Yeah, but she uses Flakey Biscuits Green Stripe Flour for the dough.

  251. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#249): yup. and Judd Nelson as the cook.

    Bess Armstrong, of My So-Called Life, played Reeve’s wife in that episode, according to imdb.

  252. Austria
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:38 pm [Reply]

    Arch: I actually laughed. Not because “Oh those kids today spend so much time watching TV,” but because the setup actually worked really well. Brownie points for the AJGLU!

    A3G: “Okay okay. I, am, jolly happy.”

    FW: “I really care about you too, Dead Lisa. Oh, wait, you’re just Cayla. Never mind.”

    Luann: I’m not sure which is worse…the promise of another “Hey Boy” to grace the Interwebs, or another week of awkward 15-year-old sexuality.


  253. Gal Friday
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: And where is Mary, all this time? Or is she letting the “Summer Stock” have their moment in the spotlight while she gathers strength for fall primetime meddle premieres?

  254. Aviatrix
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#248): Notice how you can hit the preview button, read it, have it seem fine, and then spot the error already displayed in the preview, in the split second between hitting post and having the post appear?

  255. Old School Allie Cat
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:48 pm [Reply]

    MW Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeee!

    FW – They’ve been together for about two years, now, right? Cayla – slow down, girl! You’re en fuego, but Les is a slow, slow burn. Think birthday candle, then take it down a notch.

    I got nothing.

  256. zerowolf
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: Is there a missing panel that sets up “If there is anything you ever need… Just pick up the phone” as the punch line to a hilarious joke or is Berna just mentally challenged?

  257. agony
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Anybody else notice that Miss Buxley looks a bit like Captain Kangaroo?

  258. AceofPlaces
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    Are we reading the same Beetle Bailey? The one I’m seeing seems to imply that Sarge would like to murder Miss Buxley and then bake her.

  259. Violet
    May 25th, 2011 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    So a couple of days ago we had Tommie thought-bubbling “What does that mean?” and last week LuAnn was engaged in that selfsame cogitation. We must be gearing up for Margo’s turn, presumably in response to her interlocutor relating an anecdote about feeling compassion for another human being.

  260. bats :[
    May 25th, 2011 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Old School Allie Cat (#255): yes, one of those tiny, tiny, very thin birthday candles, that probably don’t last more than a minute before ending up as a little puddle of goo.
    Wow. That really sums up Les, doesn’t it?

  261. wossname
    May 25th, 2011 at 6:21 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#207): Just before I bought my current house, my quiet little deadend street led to natural woods with a small manmade but completely untended lake in the middle. Then came a new housing development, called “Pond Edge” (I call it Pond Scum), which clearcut every piece of vegetation over a foot tall and built ticky tacky houses around the centerpiece of the grass-surrounded “pond.” Guess what kind of creatures now flock to the pond, leaving big nasty green piles of poop? HAHAHA, are you happy now, Pond Scum Acres!?!

  262. wossname
    May 25th, 2011 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @gnome de blog (#245): Mary Worth is “sixtyish”???? No no no no no. You and I are sixtyish. Mary Worth is ninetyish. Or ageless, and not in a good way.

  263. Peanut Gallery
    May 25th, 2011 at 6:35 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#191): Gee, now I feel kind of embarrassed, being the only one who thought today’s Beetle Bailey sounded like it was about cannibalism. Does this mean I’m mentally disturbed?

    “Made it outta leather!! Whatta ya think?” is not an opening line we like to see from Snuffy Smith.

    Oh, and a Plugger‘s alarm clock is a rock.

  264. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    @ElkMeadow (#247): I never watched the series. Couldn’t get over the stupid puppet.

  265. thecrock
    May 25th, 2011 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    woman as sex object? Check.
    asian man with slanty slits for eyes? Check.
    comic strip that’s so out of date that no one cares when it’s straight up sexist and racist? Double check.

  266. gnome de blog
    May 25th, 2011 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#262): Check out The Chron’s “about” page.

    Unfortunately, King Features refuses to confirm that Black Jack Worth served time at Lewisville for securities fraud. Before he went up the river he fixed it so Mary could tap his offshore accounts. Unfortunately, Black Jack died mysteriously within days of his parole.

    Nor will they address allegations of a secret daughter that Frank the skater guy fathered on Mary while Black Jack was in the pen. Mary abandoned the child to a foundling home when she found out that her consigliere could no longer block Black Jack’s parole. The red-headed child was re-named Abigail by her adoptive parents, a Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. She is said to be living in Manhattan.

  267. CanuckDownSouth
    May 25th, 2011 at 7:25 pm [Reply]

    If only xkcd would take over Spidey, we’d see some storyline progress: “Drink her blood!” – ‘No, it’s evil’ – “Sudo drink her blood” – ”

    Or at least they wouldn’t code a while loop in the plot generation executable without checks to prevent an infinitely looping process.

  268. CanuckDownSouth
    May 25th, 2011 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    Huh, something went wrong with the bracketing…

    “Drink her blood!” – ‘No, it’s evil’ – “Sudo drink her blood” – ‘[slurrpp]‘

  269. cheech wizard
    May 25th, 2011 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    BB – Sarge may be thinking about meatloaf, but Cpl. Yo would rather turn her into a cream-filled ho-ho.

  270. Mark B
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    Next up in MW, Drew and his Dad, Liza and Mary have a foursome. No, I don’t mean a round of golf.

  271. Psychid
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:25 pm [Reply]

    As if a Beetle Bailey general who’s an alcoholic wasn’t bad enough, now there’s a Beetle Bailey general who stereotypes people based on sex.

  272. True Fable
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:33 pm [Reply]

    Attention Woody Wilson! – You’ve created your own chance to get rid of the Berna character in Rex Morgan, so I sincerely hope you will take full advantage of it. Time for a new storyline!

    You can start by giving Rex & June a new secretary/ loyal sidekick/ lackey/ filler. Lest you end up with a Mary Worth Whine-of-the-Month clone, may I offer these possibilities for your consideration – you know I won’t mind if you actually use them, I’d be flattered.

    1. New Gal
    a. Young Thing
    b. Unmarried woman with an eye for Rex. Or June.
    c. Married Woman with a Problem Husband (ah, but what kind of problem? again, don’t go the Mary route and stay away from Internet Addiction! Let this be a warning to you.)

    2. New Associate
    a. guy looking for love (warning: do NOT make him a Mary Worthlike dickweed!)
    b. chick with chip on shoulder (dangerously clicheish; use as a last resort unless in awsome combination with something else)
    c. perfectly normal person with a minor jinx of some sort.

    Cueball comes back to get even with the doctor and his family! (or did he die? That makes it even creepier!!)

    Remember Eightball, who got away when his partner Elvis got his ‘nads chewed by Abby when he tried to off Niki? They never did catch him. He can always come after the New Gal, or can send in New Gal to work for the Morgans so 8ball can plot the eventual payback. Now this thing can take some time as a background deal while you introduce some other plotline (see below!), but the payoff will be when Rex and June finally discover that New Gal’s unseen ‘boyfriend’ has been using her to rip off drug samples from time to time and is aiming for access to the hospital pharmacy. When he’s discovered (but give it some time since neither Rex nor June ever identified Eightball), Eightball releases his own version of the Kraken with guns a’blazing. Rex can make his ‘O’ face.

    5. Niki returns! We don’t care what he does. Just bring him back and reprise his role as Earnest Young Man in Poverty Doin’ the Best He Can. He can work his way through school while earning Rex and June’s admiration, only to find out he gets most of his mad money as the local Cougar’s main meat. Rex can make his ‘O’ face.

    6. Little Sarah, The Smartest Kid in the Whole Wide World, wants to become a vegetarian after seeing a documentary on how chickens are really raised. There’s all sorts of angles you can pursue on this.
    a. have you ever seen these documentaries – omg, it’s so gross and so sad for the chickens! I do eat chicken but holy cow, it’s horrible what those big companies do to their birds.
    b. Vegetarianism for little kids: as long as it’s done right it’s healthy, but at what point does healthy become harmful? You can go either way with this.
    c. Kids deciding their own diets. Fad diets. Image issues.
    d. Sarah adopts some chickens. Rex can make his ‘O’ face. Several times.

    7. Hotcha Chaa, media sensation, passes out at a concert and June (somehow, through the New Person or through Sarah’s fandom or simply by passing by with her awesome June Aura) gets involved with making Hotcha Chaa realize she has to take better care of herself. Rex can make his ‘O’ face but he doesn’t know why.

    8. Niki knocks up his girlfriend. There’s multiple ideas on this one, including a guest appearance by his mother Mae in her post-junkie mode. Rex can make his ‘O’ face, guilty that he didn’t give Niki ‘The Talk’ even though that was not his responsibility.

    9. In an attempt to keep things green, Rex arranges for GOATS to be brought in to keep brush trimmed back around the house. Hijinks can ensue when Sarah decides to
    a. adopt a goat
    b. let them out of their enclosure and they eat neighbor landscapes, pissing off the neighborhood
    c. raise and show goats for a school project.
    d. Truman Fable makes a guest appearance as the goatherd!

    10. The Return of Hugh Avery. I don’t care what for, I just want to see him and June duke it out toe-to-toe again. Rex’s ‘O’ face becomes permanent, and the reason why is both stunning and for some of us, predictable.

    Hope you do one, some or all of them!

    Truman A. Fable
    Big fan

  273. Ukulele Ike
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @gleeb (#7): I’m with you, baby. Hot Rize is going to drown in flour.

    Is her name a play on “Hot Rice,” which is meaningless in the context of a flour company? Or does it have something to do with the rising of a yeast bread, perhaps in a warm environment?

    See D.W. Griffith’s A Corner in Wheat, 1909. And Dreyer’s Vampyr, 1932. Any other references to Drownings in Flour are cheerfully welcomed!

  274. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    May 25th, 2011 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#273): “Or does it have something to do with the rising of a yeast bread, perhaps in a warm environment?”

    almost certainly this. “Hot Rise” sounds good in a biscuit/bread setting.

    mmmm, butter and warm bread. . . . :-)~~~

  275. Ukulele Ike
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    Some bakers had better weigh in.

  276. Vince M
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:04 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#273): Does whole grain count? Then I ante up with “Witness” and “Dark Night of the Scarecrow”.

  277. bats :[
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:11 pm [Reply]

    @True Fable (#272): so many, many good ideas. And yet I am crushed. No mention of Dr. Andy Reed, aka Count Morgu, County Coroner, Bon Vivant, Vampire?

    @Ukulele Ike (#273): it wasn’t an explosion, but in “Witness,” one crooked cop was buried in silage…

  278. Peanut Gallery
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#273): How about the bread bombs in The Tick vs. The Breadmaster? “Not baked goods, Professor… Baked Bads!”

  279. commodorejohn
    May 25th, 2011 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    @Ukulele Ike (#273): I dunno, man. Drowning in a silo is horrifying all right, but it just lacks the flair of a grain-elevator explosion.

  280. Peanut Gallery
    May 25th, 2011 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    May I take this opportunity of emphasizing that there is no cannibalism in the U.S. Army. Absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than we are prepared to admit

    Still, I abhor the implication that the U.S. Army is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control

  281. mollificent
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:00 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#106): There is no way in hell I could resist sharing this pic my friend posted to Facebook today. :)

  282. Bill the Butcher
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    I don’t know if someone else has pointed it out, but Sarge is talking about making a meatloaf out of the woman. As in, cannibalism.

  283. demoncat
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:42 pm [Reply]

    sarge only has one thing on his mind ever food . and the only way sarge would go after miss buxely if she is wearing a cooks uniform and cooking his meatloaf. marmaduke’s owner expression is one of oh great now marmaduke has spread his evil and ticked off geese. as they are running with the geese honking.

  284. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    May 25th, 2011 at 11:58 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#277): I’d recommend a re-reading of The Octopus by Frank Norris, which deals with large quantities of wheat. (Pro tip: the scene I’m thinking of is also in the Classics Illustrated version!)

    Pluses: Tracy can say, “Well, she really buried herself in her work.”

    But the explosion would be cooler, and it’s even plausible. Boom it is! I know Tracy will find the right thing to say. Maybe “Hot Rize hasn’t come down yet.”

  285. Sequitur
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:15 am [Reply]

    WHOO HOO! Dallas Mavericks in the NBA finals!

    Or as Reed Hoover would say…
    You know you’re a Pluggger Mavericks fan if you think Mark Cuban is something you do to your cigar the show where you left off.

  286. Sgt. Stoned
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    BB: Sarge is getting in touch with his inner Hannibal Lecter, unless “meatloaf” is slang for some kinky action, as “sandwich” is.

    MW: How many chicken pot pies does Mary make for an intimate dinner for two?

  287. Bill Thompson
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:27 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: Spidercreep woke up? That’s a surprising plot twist. And suddenly his webshitter works again? He must have changed the batteries in his sleep, no doubt during a nightmare in which his remote died. Call of the Wildly Obvious: Spiderman will save Morbius, who he already knows can fly on his own, while Martine plummets to her death.

    FW: Les is so self-absorbed he can’t even say “love” in his own thoughts. And Cayla should have known they were in trouble when he got her onto the porch swing, twice now. Les is showing off his conquest to the neighbors.

    MT: They cancelled Myson Mike’s class? High school, community college or adult day-care? What you should really ask, Sheriff Dad, is “Son, why weren’t you at home last night?” Instead he’ll say “You are lucky they cancelled class, because you did not come home to do your homework last night. While you were out last night did you see any suspicious characters near the Western Electronics store?”

  288. ElkMeadow
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    Whoa, Tony Amato’s empire is HUGE!!!

    Berna (the strip may as well be named for her by now) has been playing the lottery how long, and she had no idea where the lottery commission is, how to cash in a ticket, or anything? And the lawyer has an escort ready for her to go to the lottery commission. Right. She’s meatloaf, in the dead meat category. And those two guards look similar to the police that rescued Dexter. Oh, Berna, I wish I could say it was nice to know you. And how Rex and June got involved in such a shady operation?

    I sure hope Dex did pull the winning ticket out of her purse when she left it in the car for that one moment.

    Gee, can the faces get any scarier on Jeff and Drew?

    Meanwhile, at Retail, I’m surprised that Box Boy was able to get 35 hours at either place. Our local Fred Meyer is holding people to 20 hours a week, 25 max, apparently so that apprentices won’t work up in the pay scale.

  289. Bob
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:35 am [Reply]

    Do Geese See God?

  290. Sequitur
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    @Bob (#289): Is that a new rock group?

  291. CanuckDownSouth
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Bill Thompson (#287): … plus why are Martine & Morbius even worried about Vampirella’s little falling from a roof? New York’s alleys aren’t lined with palisades of sharp wooden poles.

  292. Maggie the Cat
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @tb4000 (#141):

    Not only are they assholes for biting the hand that feeds them, they also make airplanes crash and should be harshly reprimanded for calling themselves “Canada” geese when we all know “Canadian” geese seems more right.

  293. Maggie the Cat
    May 26th, 2011 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    LOL and my comment on the geese prompted the Skynet gods to slap an “angry birds” ad up top there. Angry birds indeed!

  294. Écureuil Écumant
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:06 am [Reply]

    @cheech wizard (#269): I think Cpl. Yo would be more the type to sprinkle a little rice vinegar and tobiko, and just eat Buxley raw.

  295. Écureuil Écumant
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    @Bob (#289): Well, we know geese sure as shit don’t have a Buddha nature.

  296. This Guy
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:14 am [Reply]

    I guess there are a lot of people here who would, in fact, say “boo” to a goose.

  297. Bill Thompson
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#291): You’re probably right about the sharp sticks in the alley. I kinda expect the sticks anyway because it’s an easy, lazy, passive way to end this arc, and because it’s been done before (“The Return of Dracula,” 1957, with Francis Lederer in the title role). Just have Martine fall on some broken crates and she goes from Playboy Club Playmate to Dust Bunny.

    But that might be too violent for this strip. She may just hit her head on the pavement and get amnesia about this vampire business.

  298. CanuckDownSouth
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    @Bill Thompson (#297): Somehow I think the writers are the ones who’ll get amnesia, forgetting that it takes more to kill an undead bride of the night than a regular human being.

  299. Not Greg Evans
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    Sarge is clearly referring to the fact that given their years of starving themselves, applying all sorts of chemical beauty creams, exposing their bodies to cancer-inducing levels of UV rays, and spending hours upon meaningless hours reading US Weekly on the elliptical, their muscles are too sinewy to be worth eating unless ground, loafed, baked, and slathered in ketchup-based sauce.

  300. Charlie the Bursted Carbunkle
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:57 am [Reply]

    Dick Tracy: I was just about to voice my disappointment. The new DT may have better art, but the writing’s still completely whacked: excessive time spent with the Plentys and their new freakchild; another case that pretty much unravels itself completely without Dick doing anything but going from one place to another. (Tip: If you murder a fellow employee for asking questions about your coke-running operation, don’t leave the company van, covered in cocaine, parked next to the unhidden corpse. This tends to attract attention for some reason.)

    And the second Hot Rize hopped towards the hoppers, I knew somebody was about to get sifted and it wouldn’t be Dick.

    Ah, but we all know who that hand about to start up the hopper belongs to, don’t we? A nice morbid touch is about to be added to this flaky Flakey Biscuits recipe. I’m back in.

    Crankshaft: Look, hire a professional letterer. One who understands the function of spaces between words.

    Dennis: Holy God, Dennis is finally getting on MRS. Wilson’s last nerve. Maybe the Rapture IS coming!

    Funky Cancercancer: AND SUDDENLY JASON VORHEES JUMPS UP FROM THE BUSHES AND LOPS THEIR HEADS OFF WITH A MACHETE AND CHEERS GO UP FOR MILES AROUND…drowning out the monologues still going on in the severed heads.

    Shoe: Jesus Christ. Laziest writing in the known world.
    Senator: “This will create jobs and revitalize the economy.”
    Senator: “Those potholes have to be filled before someone gets killed.”
    Shoe: “YOU’RE A NAZI!”
    Senator: “It’s not like you’re going to school your child and prepare him for the 21st Century.”

  301. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 26th, 2011 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    May 26

    Beetle Bailey: Oh, come on Cookie. You’ve always known that someday you’d be asked about it, and that’s the best you could come up with? I hope you’ve got a better explanation than that when they find your lubricated fist.

  302. Frank Lee Meidere
    May 26th, 2011 at 2:11 am [Reply]

    May 26

    Popeye: Someone has to say it. Might as well be at the tail end of a thread:

    “These aren’t the oids you’re looking for.”

  303. Mibbitmaker
    May 26th, 2011 at 2:22 am [Reply]

    5/25 CC, 5/26 ZtP:
    Elitist geese!
    Elitist geese!
    Elitist geese!

  304. bats :[
    May 26th, 2011 at 2:24 am [Reply]

    RMMD: please let them be strippers…please let them be strippers…please let them be strippers…
    (This isn’t Rex Morgan wishing this…or is it?)

  305. Charles
    May 26th, 2011 at 2:25 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: So let me get this straight. We have a plot that for the last several weeks has been exclusively about this woman berating her ugly husband to drink MJ or Spiderman’s blood, whichever, she doesn’t care, so he can become a vampire. Spiderman and MJ (does the general public know she’s his wife? Or do they just not suspect anything when she, in a city with a population of several million, “randomly” pops up time and again in Spiderman incidents?) have been knocked unconscious 2 or 3 times each as they’ve spent most of the last several weeks horizontal on the roof. And this story is apparently going to end with the antagonist, the bitchy costume and makeup morphing wife, simply falling off the building? She’s not pushed. She’s not jumping. She just falls over the side.

    It’s as if someone wrote this story without ever looking at it.

  306. Bill Thompson
    May 26th, 2011 at 3:43 am [Reply]

    @Charles (#305): That about sums it up, except for the part where Morbius has already been drinking human blood. And probably knitting slip-covers for the coffins, given the way this story meanders.

    Good point about MJ always showing up when Spiderman is around, or vice versa. In the real world one would be accused of stalking the other.

  307. Mr. O'Malley
    May 26th, 2011 at 5:31 am [Reply]

    When it comes to Canada Geese, I favor the game laws being amended to “You rope ‘em, you can eat ‘em! Anywhere!”

    I choose roping not only to encourage and preserve one of our fine Western folk skills, but as least dangerous to other users of our public parks.

    @True Fable (#272): I eat chicken but we buy our chickens direct from a farm that allows them a life outdoors. You have to be careful about “free range” chickens because sometimes all it means is that there is a tiny door to the outside that they have been conditioned to avoid.

    The great thing about our chickens is not only do they taste incomparably better than the concentration camp chickens, but when you boil the bones for stock, the kitchen is filled with an amazing chickeny odor that is a foretaste of what the stock is like. If you boil supermarket chicken bones, you pretty much get nothing.

  308. Mr. O'Malley
    May 26th, 2011 at 6:10 am [Reply]

    EC: Leif Garrett, when was that? 1980s?

    GT yesterday: I think what she is talking about is parents who work two minimum wage jobs to stay afloat, which they get to on the city bus, which has a very reduced schedule. So the children have to get themselves to school on their own, but they also are working a minimum wage job outside of school time, so they don’t get enough sleep.

    JP: If my death is to be immortalized in prose, I require some serious legal credentials.

    Lockhorns: Can you write a check for the square root of minus zero?

    MT: How does Mr. Blue-Haired Man transmogrify into Mr. Yellow-Haired Man?

    MW: Using only a fork, how does one cut a neat wedge out of a pie?

    Pluggers: Evidently it wouldn’t be Weight-Watchers.

    RMMD: Rex has alerted his private security company. He’ll get that lottery ticket before you can say “Bob’s your uncle”.

    SF: The Forths get skin cancer together.

  309. Cloudbuster
    May 26th, 2011 at 7:07 am [Reply]

    @spike (#246): Don’t get me started on Roger. The casual destruction of a family isn’t comedic gold for me.

  310. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    May 26th, 2011 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    9CL – It’s Edda in a wig.

  311. Mordock999
    May 26th, 2011 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    Today’s – Luann – 05/26/2011Qui

    Quill – “….,so you DON’T remember Who You treated badly in this “I’m a Snot” song?”

    Luann – “WAIT! NOW I do! It was Gunther!”

    Quill – “Gunther Berger, that nerdy dress-making kid?”

    Luann – “Yeah, HIM. He saved my ass dozen times and figured I owed him something! I mean he’s a nice guy, and very handy to have around, but just NOT My type!”

    Quill – “Your ‘type’?”

    Luann – “Yeah. He’s NOT cuddily-cute. Like (gush) YOU!”

    Quill – “Well, I wouldn’t worry too much about Gunther.”

    Luann – “Oh? Why?”

    Quill – “Because he’s been hanging out with that HOT Latina Chick!”

    Luann – “ROSA?!?”

    Quill – “Yep! I see ‘em together everywhere. Rosa acts like she can’t get ENOUGH of him!”

    Luann (TREMBLE, QUAKE)

    Quill – “Someone said that they are going to be working at the library together this summer reading stories to the kiddies.”

    Luann – “Hey, THATS My Jo…..,”

    Quill – “FORGET it. Now, lets record the so….,”

    Luann – “SCREW the song! WHERES My PHONE!?!”


    Gunther – “Oh, uh HI, Luann!”

    Luann – “DON’T ‘Hi’ Me, You LYING, TWO-TIMIN’ SON of a Bitc…..,”

    DEATH to TJ!!!

  312. One-Eyed Wolfdog
    May 26th, 2011 at 7:37 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#308): In IEEE 754 floating point arithmetic, “minus zero” exists, and its square root is minus zero.

  313. ArchieNemesis
    May 26th, 2011 at 7:54 am [Reply]

    @Charles (#305): Don’t forget that Spiderman’s web squirter failed just minutes ago and now it works fine.

  314. Jessy
    May 26th, 2011 at 8:15 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#242): Thank you. Now I must excuse myself and find that extra gallon of brain bleach I hid for just such an occasion as this . . .

  315. Jessy
    May 26th, 2011 at 8:17 am [Reply]

    @spike (#246): That will do, too. Either way, love is not written in the stars for Les and Cayla.

  316. wossname
    May 26th, 2011 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    Curtis – On the other hand, if you develop a tumor, you can probably get a high-profile job just down the page at Funky Winkerbean LLC.

    RMMD – Oh please oh please oh please let them be fake security guards working for the bad guys!!

    @Mr. O’Malley (#307): That’s the kind of chickens I want to eat! I don’t remember if you’ve ever said what area you live in, but where do you get them? I know of one similar place here in North Georgia but it’s almost three hours away from me.

  317. True Fable
    May 26th, 2011 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#277): OMG! Andy! I would say “they can’t possibly re-create the wonder that is Andy Reed” but that would be a fallacy. Andy should have been on top of the list out of sheer AWESOMENESS.


    @Mr. O’Malley (#307): In my childhood, I thought everyone had chickens scampering around the yard like we did. My hat’s off to you choosing true free range chickens.

    Now if only I could get a yard full of scampering, capering goats. Apartment living sucks.

  318. Yearning for Kipling
    May 26th, 2011 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    I know trying to apply reason to Spider-Man is like trying to push a rope, but I have a childhood fondness for the character that just compels me….

    So, Morbius, you can glide. You can, in defiance of all sense, glide while carrying somebody, so you could just grab Martine and fly away, even if Martine hasn’t reached the turning-into-a-bat lesson in her Dracula Undead And Loving It ™ correspondence course yet.

    Spidey…if for whatever reason you can only save one, how about the live one? Vampires have proven to be incredibly resistant to damage like falling or burning or even having a stake driven through the heart…at least in the comics.

    Mary Jane…why are you with this loser, anyway? What happened to the retrohippy parody you used to be?

    Martine….I know you long for the sweet release of a faked death so you can go be a go-go dancer somewhere, but this isn’t the way. Have them stake you, have a minion pull out the stake, drain him, go to Vegas. Even Carl Kolchak knows it’s a good town for what you want, and you won’t look out of place.

  319. Mary
    May 28th, 2011 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    Oh, thank you, sweet merciful God!

    When I saw beetle bailey, I thought Sarge was fantasizing about putting Miss Buxley through a meat grinder and EATING HER.

  320. Jen
    May 30th, 2011 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    Yes, my thoughts also fell toward cannibalism.

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