Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Dick Tracy, 12/7/17

Oh, hey, so it turns out that the smoking alien from a few months back was the Moon Governor, returning to Earth to find his daughter, who is actually this flower-themed gangster’s daughter who’s been surgically and mentally altered and I was going to find the links for these plot points but it all just makes me tired, you guys. Anyway, like all terrifying emissaries of extraplanetary governments, the Moon Governor has chosen to take a meeting in a coffee shop. The best, most hilarious part is that this mostly humanoid alien appears to have put on a hat to disguise himself but then had to cut holes in the hat for the antennae that are the one visible feature that distinguishes him from Earthlings.

Beetle Bailey, 12/7/17

Ha ha, can you imagine if you sliced Sarge open and discovered that he was just an outer layer of Sarge-meat wrapped around a human child, and then you sliced that child open to discover that it was just a flesh-shell with an awful demon from the depths of hell at its core? It’s definitely going to be fun thinking about this nightmare turducken of humanity and supernatural evil for the rest of the day!

Blondie, 12/7/17

You definitely have to admire the sheer force of Mr. Dithers’ personality. Even in mug form, it’s so overwhelming that it’s forced the entire Bumstead family to retreat to the other side of the room.

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Here’s something genuinely nice the comics are doing on Thanksgiving: auctioning off original comic strips to benefit those affected by this year’s brutal hurricane season. You know it’s legit because it’s being run by Heritage Auctions, who recently did a similar auction to benefit Lisa’s Legacy Fund! Anyway, what artistic gems from today’s funny pages can you bid on?

Beetle Bailey, 11/23/17

Well, you can help those suffering from want by purchasing a strip reminding you that some people have such a surfeit of resources that they’re literally drowning each other in food out of spite.

Dennis the Menace, 11/23/17

Or you can remind them that, as bad as things get, they don’t live in a world of mingled ignorance and anxiety that has them convinced that they’re about to eat a beloved icon from their childhood!

Blondie, 11/23/17

If you really want to take their minds off their troubles, celebrate their perseverance with this image of Dagwood as a nightmarish three-headed sleep-Cerberus, in a surrealistic image that only draws further attention to his weird neck situation by tripling his number of necks.

Mary Worth, 11/23/17

You know what no amount of tax-deductible charitable donations can buy, though? This amazing work of art, apparently, in which Wilbur screams, silently, but with his mouth gaping open, at … something in Pedro’s oficina. What could it be? Is it Fabiana and her “cousin” Pedro locked in a passionate embrace? Is it Fabiana and her “cousin” Pedro monitoring the eBay auctions they’ve set up for the emerald ring Wilbur bought Fabiana and also Wilbur’s kidneys? Is it a huge motivational poster announcing that “WE’RE SALSA DANCERS, NOT MAYONNAISE DANCERS: NO SANDWICHES ALLOWED ON PREMISES”? Tune in tomorrow to find out!

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Mark Trail, 11/21/17

Mark’s sidekick Johnny was too cowardly to gun down a woman, so instead he’s going to lure her down to the tunnel under the bank, where the bear will eat her.

Spider-Man, 11/21/17

Sorry all comedy writers everywhere, but nothing you produce this week will be funnier than “I can’t have my wife back — but at least maybe I can grow a new arm.” Anyway, I’m glad we’re finally going to find out why supposed science nerd Peter Parker works in the incredibly low-paying field of freelance news photography rather than getting a job as a lab tech or something. I assume that it’s because he’s actually pretty bad at science, which is great for me because I’m psyched to see one of his screwups turn Dr. Connors into a lizard.

Beetle Bailey, 11/21/17

Man, I have to say, Lt. Fuzz was not at the top of my “who at Camp Swampy is going to plan the coup” list.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/21/17

Boy, this bluegrass version of Jay-Z’s “99 Problems” sure changed some things!