Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Beetle Bailey, 7/28/18

There are so many unsettling aspects about the Halftrack’s marital life, and I’d say that one of the absolute worst is Mrs. Halftrack’s weirdly sublimated horniness. Today’s installment makes it seem like she’s doing vaguely sexy mommy play and then takes a turn to the sexy doggy play and, you know what, normally I don’t endorse the General’s obvious and untreated alcoholism but I’m here to say now: I get it.

Spider-Man, 7/28/18

I don’t pretend to know how exactly the Newspaper Spider-Man Universe maps onto other Marvel continuities, but it’s true that there are tons of other superheroes out there — Iron Man! Wolverine! Black Widow! So, while Peter’s antagonists might eventually realize he’s no ordinary reporter, I’m not sure they’re going to associate “not getting stabbed” as a spider-specific power.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/28/18

It’s pretty funny that Rex assumes Jordan will be catering his own wedding, but, when you think about it, Jordan is Avery’s driver and manservant, and therefore is part of the underclass. He can’t hire anyone to cook for him! He’s a guy who people hire to cook! It just doesn’t make sense!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/18

Does … does Mason think they give out Emmys for trite wordplay, or

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Mary Worth, 7/26/18

Mary’s “I am aware” is pretty hilarious in and of itself, obviously, but it also gives me a great opportunity to remind you of when Mary first became aware of Tommy’s anti-social tendencies, when she smelled him smoking his marijuana cigarettes, through Charterstone’s apparently interconnected ventilation system:

Mary Worth, 9/12/04

Mary came over and was extremely passive aggressive about it, but it’s nice that everyone involved has let bygones be bygones! And really, Mary lives in a state where recreational marijuana is legal now and, thanks to Comic Book Time, at this point she’s at the younger end of the baby boom generation, so she’s probably pretty chill about that kind of stuff! Not the meth, though. It’s gonna take another decade or three for her to be down with meth.

Six Chix, 7/26/18

So the therapist is a chair? The chair that normally a (human, non-furniture) chair would sit in? And the patient is a chair? BUT the couch the patient would normally sit on is not an animate furniture-being. Or is it? OH GOD IS IT FURNITURE FOR FURNITURE, IS IT A LIVING FURNITURE-SLAVE, THIS IS A NIGHTMARE

Beetle Bailey, 7/26/18

There are plenty of Beetle Bailey strips where General Halftrack is angry or confused or depressed, but the fact that he’s so very ecstatic here, like this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to him, may be the saddest thing of all.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/29/18

I know the convention in sequential art is to read word bubbles chronologically left to right. (At least that’s true in writing systems that work that way — do they go right to left in Hebrew or Arabic?) But still, I’d like to imagine that’s not happening panel two here. “Drawing scary stories for the funnybooks, huh?” “Yeah — it worked out pretty well in the long run. Turns out kids love looking at gruesome depictions of hideous monsters and undead fiends with rotting flesh, and that’s what I’m best at drawing. Speaking of which, I’d like to draw your p–” “QUITE A PLACE YOU HAVE HERE MRS. GILLIS, BUT WE SHOULD REALLY BE GOING”

Beetle Bailey, 6/29/18

So, to recap, Beetle can’t get enough of watching from the air as civilizations are bombed into oblivion, but isn’t thrilled about being sent into the ruined cities to kill off the hardy few who managed to survive the killbots and throw all the corpses onto piles to be burned. Sarge is right: he really does have a bad work ethic.