Archive: Beetle Bailey

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/25/23

Well, the Harwoods are going to feel pretty foolish when they learn that it wasn’t Rene’s high-powered lawyers that got him sprung out of jail. The cynical answer isn’t always the correct one, guys! Now, it is true in fact he’s free because he’s using the Mirakle Method to build an army of hypnotized disciples, some of whom are in highly placed positions of power, who will follow his every whim, but I say we should wait a bit to see how that plays out before we get too worried about it.

The Lockhorns, 11/25/23

This is the sort of statment that you would expect someone to deliver with a wistful sigh, and what makes Leroy Leroy and makes the Lockhorns great is that instead he’s just seething. Stupid highway full of assholes. Stupid Robert Frost and his stupid poetry, planted in the lyric and narrative traditions while pointing the way towards modernism! Screw him! Two roads diverged in a yellow wood my ass.

Beetle Bailey, 11/25/23

Some people will tell you that America’s military budget is hopeless bloated. But I for one would be willing to pay higher taxes if it means that our brave soldiers could have decent internet access so they could access high-quality streaming pornography and didn’t have to jerk off to annotated romance novels. I just respect the troops that much.

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Gil Thorp, 11/21/23

Hey, remember earlier this year, when Gil Thorp did a ripped from the headlines story about about a player who got terribly hurt during a game, only unlike the headlines, where professional athletes refused to return to play, the high school students were forced to forced to finish the game while their friend might’ve been dying? Well, looks like it’s happening again, and this time the injured student is Coach Luke’s son, still playing for Valley Tech even after his dad had to take a job working for his hated rival Gil Thorp. Why do these gruesome injuries keep happening to Valley Conference players? Probably for the same reason that the games continue after the kids are medivac’d off the field: because none of the adults involved care whether the student-athletes live or die.

Mary Worth, 11/21/23

“Did you know that this huge, beefy hunk is also a man-whore, who has impregnated at least one woman, via sex? Do with that information what you will, though if what you’re going to do with it is masturbation or dissociative fantasies during your thrice annual marital encounter with Ian, please feel free not to tell me.”

Beetle Bailey, 11/21/23

I know Beetle is using “neat” in the first panel to mean “tidy” but it’s hard for me to not read it as just “good” in general. He likes beds! He spends a lot of time in them, and has come to appreciate the ones that are especially interesting or high-quality.

Hagar the Horrible, 11/21/23

Hagar and his warriors have all suffered battle wounds during their latest raid, and their loved ones are waiting for them as they return to Norway, doing their best to nurse them back to health. That’s not a joke or anything, just a thing that’s happening in this comic strip!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/23

Wow, did Buzzy always have such dreamy cerulean eyes? Also, did he always have such a slavish devotion to the guy who locked him in a car trunk for days? Beginning to suspect that Rene’s whole ego death routine was just part of a larger plan and he’s been mind-controlling Buzzy all along, which ironically just goes to show how powerful and useful the Mirakle Method really is.

Beetle Bailey, 11/16/23

See Sarge’s heavy lidded expression in panel two? That’s a man who’s wishing for a real infantry war to flare up one of these days so that he can order this guy — order all of these guys, really — to be fearless, dedicated, and focused, and to demonstrate that by advancing straight into incoming machine gun fire.

Daddy Daze, 11/16/23

There are plenty of comics characters who I dearly wish would get punched in the face, to the extent that I lie awake at night imagining it, but the poor hapless Daddy Daze daddy, whatever his faults, is not among them. It’s just sad! It’s sad that he has to make up an elaborate language of “ba”s with his child to somehow pretend his pain makes sense!