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Metapost: Early Friday COTW

Whoa is the COTW showing up here before noon? YES IT IS, CRAZINESS!

Granny? That’s the best you can come up with? Heckling Mary Worth is not for the weak, buster.” –TheDiva

And the very funny runners up!

“How boring would a sentence have to be in order to not get an exclamation point from Mark Trail? ‘Hey, Rusty, I’m going to fill out my form 1040! I hope I claim the correct number of deductions! While I’m doing that, you can take a picture of some dock!’” –Legend of the Arctic

“You’re fired, Tommie. You too, Cheryl. Unbuttoning your top button? We’re not running a brothel here!” –Hogenmogen

“Well, sure, Josh, when you say it like that it sounds kind of depressing. Maybe the truth is something much more light-hearted. Maybe she’s been in a cult all these years and was finally able to tear-gas her way out of the compound in time to see her dad die.” –Esther Blodgett

“‘The Beauty of Nature’? I’m convinced! Volcanoes and/or rivers? Nature! Bismuth, a naturally occurring element that’s used in the manufacture of Pepto Bismol and also apparently your food coloring? Nature! Mary Worth? NATURE, DAMMIT, NATURE!” –els

“I, too, have a marriage strong enough that my wife doesn’t care when I choose to sleep like a hobo because I may be needed in a different city. Strong is the correct word, right?” –NoahSnark

“Mary Worth does not take prisoners. Because let’s face it, we’re never going to see an episode where she’s got someone chained up in her basement, living in their own filth.” –cheech wizard

“Is the moral of this story really going to be ‘practice your cake transfers’? The realization that I expected more from Mary Worth: humbling, and a little bit terrifying.” –A New Day

“Once upon a time, I was driving down the road and saw a huge flock of birds pecking at something in the road, like they do. When I drove close to the birds and they dispersed, I was able to see what they were pecking at. And it was fried chicken. Like someone had just dumped their half-finished bucket of KFC out on the street. That’s when it hit me. Birds. Flocking around the fried chicken like it was the holy grail. Birds! Smacking their beaks with the deliciousness of fried bird flesh! Those winged fuckers are nasty, is all I’m saying.” –amy c

‘I’m feeling pretty strange myself.’ ‘It’s called an erection.’ ‘I know what’s it’s cal– look, I was doing a thing. Wait, I’ve got another one: wanna give me a stroke? BOOM. Seriously, though, we should have sex.’” –bunivasal

I’ve read about ‘women!’ Is it true what they say, about them not having wieners?” –Doctor Handsome

‘Okay, give me her name and I’ll find out her status.’ Looks like we’re in for a heartwarming episode in which Tommie learns about HIPPA.” –Nekrotzar

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80 responses to “Metapost: Early Friday COTW”

  1. Baka Gaijin
    February 8th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    Congrats to all the floaters. What a crop of snark to choose the best from!

  2. Baka Gaijin
    February 8th, 2013 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    Oh yeah, I forgot: This Spiderman storyline is getting the “Apartment 3-G Treatment” due to the prevalence of assless chaps in San Francisco. You know that guy in the center panel is totally wearing ‘em.

  3. Weaselboy
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to TheDiva and all the float-riders! Good stuff this week.

  4. Calico
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all! Funny funny.
    See, now Mama Keane won’t have to constantly feed and water her little spawn:
    https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10152556468185377&set=a.266989335376.299461.212641675376&type=1&theater

  5. Esther Blodgett
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    The entire float is laugh-out-loud funny this week, and totally not just because I’m on it. I particularly like amy c’s comment. Great job, everyone!

  6. tallyHO
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    Whaaaa?

    It is way too early in the morning for…
    haha (That’s a good one, TheDiva!)

    …Comments of…
    teehee…(you Floaters zinged real good!)

    the…the week’s barely over.
    Really? Before Noon?
    hahahaha…
    those are really good ones, too!

    It’s like you were all in some flight formation and zapping the Death Star that is the lame comics!

    Congrats!

  7. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 8th, 2013 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Since others have called out some good ones already, I’ll put in for Legend of the Arctic’s instructional poke at Mark Trail! Some writers can’t manage tone, but I must say the combination of having every sentence an exclamation and no contractions really does manage to give a sort of tone to Mark Trail! Like a guy who stands in his yard and shouts all day!

    @Horace Broon (#y52): Thanks — it makes sense now.

  8. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:01 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, float-folk! Throw Day-Quil! (Or better yet, some form of antibodies that work against whatever virulent bugs my students are apparently spewing into the atmosphere this semester.)

  9. bats :[
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Funnee stuff! Congrats, Kudos, and Cujos! Yip!

  10. seismic-2
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all on the Mardi Gras float! Show us your quips!

  11. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Staying in the Loup (#75): I didn’t know the word had gotten out about Story City. Thanks! I have a friend who lives near that town and he says there were concerns at first, but after it became clear that the werewolves were keeping their lawns mowed, no one cared anymore.

  12. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    A very funny week. All hail to TheDiva and other assorted amusing floaters! And the Asterisk goes to Esther Blodgett.

  13. Bootsy
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    Yay for the floaters! I’m avoiding parades this weekend but not this one! And sorry for stepping on the toes of Rana, the Pedantic Wet Blanket, but Nekrotzar, HIPAA has only the one P (and it doesn’t stand for Privacy, btw).

    Y’all won’t see me til Ash Wednesday. *goes into curmudgeonly mode* You kids think you invented dressing up, or as we call it in these parts, masking, what with your so-called “cosplay”. Tomorrow, we’re heading to a bacchanal with the theme “Weed Between the Lines”. I’m going as the Weed Fairy.

    Happy Mardi Gras, kids!

  14. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#13): Weed Fairy? Dang, the costumes I really want to see, I never do.

  15. Liam
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:49 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”Of course Margo Magee. Why is there another Margo in this city? You know that we are a one name one person city.”

  16. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    Memo to amy c: Chickens barely qualify as birds. KFC “chickens” aren’t birds at all, AFAIC — especially after the 11 herbs and spices hit ‘em.

  17. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:56 pm [Reply]

    MT — Even allowing for Mark Trail having the approximate IQ of a pillbug, taking him along right there on the boat when fishin’-cheatin’ is ahead doesn’t seem like a great idea.

  18. bats :[
    February 8th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#13): Picture (for Poteet and the rest of us) or it didn’t happen! Spread pollen! Have fun!

  19. Liam
    February 8th, 2013 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    A3G-My god, Greg. You are so clean and well groomed that no one would ever know that you’ve just been in a four alarm psychedelic fire.

  20. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    February 8th, 2013 at 2:13 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#13): HIPAA has only the one P (and it doesn’t stand for Privacy, btw)

    I’ve often seen it referred to as HIPPA, even by people trying to sell their expertise on the act. I think people feel that “privacy” needs to be in the title, given that it is a major element of the law, and add the extra “P”.

    Lawyers – “P”-ing on people since 2000BC!

  21. Baka Gaijin
    February 8th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#20): The extra P is for Extra Purty!

  22. Liam
    February 8th, 2013 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    MW-Nothing like not dropping a cake to show those ungrateful ingrates of the younger generation.

  23. Liam
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:00 pm [Reply]

    Love Is-And yet when he wears something of hers it’s considered creepy.

    RMMD-”It’s a boy but it won’t be the boy that you’ll turn your medical empire over to. That goes to your third son. Your youngest child.”

  24. Morgan Wick
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    When Josh posts the COTW before noon, the first few comments are actually relevant… hmm.

  25. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    Love is… wearing something of his after he’s d-e-a-d. Not that he ever wore anything while he was a-l-i-v-e. (If little naked girl ever learns how to s-p-e-l-l, we’re in trouble!)

    Congrats to this week’s winners!

  26. Freakin Hemingwad
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:26 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#13): Would that be “Mardi Grass”, Weed Fairy?

  27. Esther Blodgett
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#12): I regret that I have but one asterisk for my country. ;)

  28. Bootsy
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:28 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#14): @bats :[ (#18):

    Cameras used to not be allowed at this particular shindig as the costumes are pretty raunchy and risque, but one can’t get away from them now. As for “if there are no pics it doesn’t count”, so much the better. However, if a pic does surface, y’all will be the only ones I share it with! And by “y’all” I mean all the mudges.

  29. Bootsy
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Freakin Hemingwad (#26): sez

    Would that be “Mardi Grass”, Weed Fairy?

    I sure hope so!

  30. Calico
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#23):
    But, can she predict twins?
    And either Sawah will throw a fit of jealousy or she’ll die protecting the new kid. No in-betweens.

  31. Calico
    February 8th, 2013 at 3:42 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#13):
    Mr. Collins, is that you? (Not the short white bald one)

  32. Peanut Gallery
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Only the most advanced cartoonists know that “choking back tears” can look remarkably the same as “suppressing a giggle.”

  33. Majicou
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:03 pm [Reply]

    The city lights have seen queer sights,
    But the queerest they ever did see
    Was that night on the tides of the Upper West Side
    I cremated Margo Magee.

  34. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#30): Sawah will be PO’d when she discovers her precious Abbey the Wonder Dog (BARK! BARK! BARK!) wasn’t included on this list:

    http://dailyink.com/cartoondogs?ref=promo_dogs

  35. bats :[
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#28): woo hoo! Love those kinds of parties! (Well, I love the *idea* of those kinds of parties…whether or not I’d ever go to one is something else entirely :)

  36. seismic-2
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#33): Yes, the funeral pyre would have been in Manhattan, since it would have been too hot for Hoboken.

  37. Calico
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#34):
    Darn it!
    No Fred Bassett, either.

  38. Majicou
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:38 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#36): Honestly, I don’t have the faintest idea where in the New York area Apartment 3-G is supposed to be, and I’m not sure that the writer does either.

  39. bats :[
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#34): dang! Andy AND Earl?!? I’m supposed to make a decision? Probably going with Andy…god knows the people in Lost Forest need the help.

  40. comcis fan
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:44 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, COTW people. I just LOL’d at A New Day’s comment.

  41. Liam
    February 8th, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    MT-”The water probes the deeper meanings of man’s existence.”

  42. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#29): What does it take to get a visit from the Weed Fairy? I’m asking for my friend Bill. Bill Friend.

  43. Dale
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:11 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#17):

    MARK TRAIL

    It wasn’t Brassy’s idea. Somehow, Mark arranged with the organizers that he could go along. This raises all kinds of questions about contest rules which will never be explained.
    Where does Mark get any credibility? Several days ago in story time, Mark had never heard of this contest, Brassy, or Bullhead.
    Strange, too, Cherry had heard of Brassy.

  44. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#43): Hmmmm, very interesting. I shall wait with unbated breath to see if the mechanics of the cheating make any sense at all.

  45. Black Drazon
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    Meanwhile in Dick Tracy, the discovery of the world’s second intact Calvinosaur skull goes tragically underplayed!

  46. Calico
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:24 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#8):
    I received some more lovely antibiotics today that will make my mouth taste like an antique tarnished silver spoon in the AM for 10 days. Ugh.

  47. Calico
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:28 pm [Reply]

    @Calico (#37):
    You know what they need in 3G (or with someone in the cast o’characters)?
    A big, smiling, happy, pleased to meet you serve you drool on you give you hours of fun and laughs and affection dog.

  48. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#32): For me, no matter what is allegedly happening in A3G, reading it is almost as soothing as watching a large aquarium. I can feel my blood pressure falling as orange Tommie swims slowly by, opening and closing her mouth.

  49. A New Day
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:33 pm [Reply]

    @comcis fan (#40): Thanks Comcis Fan! I was actually just feeling a bit awed (or maybe I mean smug?) to be part of such a funny group – several laugh out loud moments this week for me.

  50. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#28): Woo hoo! Laissez les bon temps rouler, Weed Fairy, and may your magic spread happiness everywhere.

  51. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 8th, 2013 at 6:00 pm [Reply]

  52. Curugon
    February 8th, 2013 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    Wow, I just realized John has crafted a Minas Tirith cake, complete with Mary as the true returned king queen. Next week’s adventures will feature a tornado of angry phone calls with the Tolkien Estate’s lawyers.

  53. Uncle Lumpy
    February 8th, 2013 at 6:26 pm [Reply]

    @Curugon (#52):

    Wow, that opens up possibilities for a whole series of Lord of the Rings-themed cakes. I could go for “Chocolate Cracks o’ Doom”, or “Lonely Mountain Golden Cake with Smaug Surprise.”

  54. Uncle Lumpy
    February 8th, 2013 at 6:28 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#53):

    Yup, such things exist. Why do I ever doubt thee, Internet?

  55. Arabella
    February 8th, 2013 at 7:09 pm [Reply]

    I went Valentine’s card shopping today; there actually is a card that says “owl always be yours.” And if anyone wants find a card priced at $1.50, they need to go time-tripping back to 1979.

  56. Poteet
    February 8th, 2013 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#54): Thank you for sharing — that site is quite amazing. At first I thought that Eye of Sauron cake was something else entirely. *cough*

  57. Peanut Gallery
    February 8th, 2013 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#36): And too fancy for church.

  58. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 8th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    When next week’s payday rolls around, I’ll actually be buying a Kindle book: Roger’s Profanisaurus (the latest edition, subtitled “Das Krapital”). A mind-boggling assemblage of synonyms, euphemisms, and dysphemisms for the nasty things in life. The reason I mention it is that you can look inside the book and sample the often-disgusting wares. They started off many years back. I remember the first edition of this as a bonus with an issue of VIZ called “Sweary Mary’s Dictionary,” but it was soon reassigned to Roger Mellie (“The Man on the Telly”), and has become a regular feature in the pages of the comic, with readers sending in new bits of slang and, no doubt, fresh neologisms (so to speak) that they hope will catch on. It’s done wonders for my vocabulary, I can tell you. When I started reading it, I didn’t know a wanking spanner from fanny batter.

    @Arabella (#55): I’ve been to Target to help my daughter get birthday cards, and I seem to remember seeing a line of cards for something very much like a dollar each, and they’re every bit as vapid as the normal ones. You don’t get cutouts, or foil stamps, or voice chips, but considering how soon they’ll be thrown away, they’re pretty adequate for accompanying a present.

  59. commodorejohn
    February 8th, 2013 at 11:26 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#58): Wanking with a spanner sounds terribly uncomfortable.

    (Be sure to use plenty of WD-40!)

  60. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 8th, 2013 at 11:36 pm [Reply]

    @Arabella (#55): And if anyone wants find a card priced at $1.50, they need to go time-tripping back to 1979.

    Or find the nearest Dollar Tree store. Their cards are like Mad magazine used to be… cheap.

  61. Droopy Says
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:37 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: This strip has just shown more knowledge of San Francisco than it ever has of Manhattan.

    Icky Squickybean: So Mr. and Mrs. Stroke had a happy marriage after all? You can get whiplash watching Batiuk retcon himself, which can only mean one thing: whiplash is carcinogenic.

    Family Circus: Unsurprisingly, Dolly has more artistic talent than Jeffy ever will.

    Mock Travail: What’s Trail thinking: “Why didn’t he try fishing in deep water to begin with?” or “Why didn’t his miracle lure work in the first place?” or “Stubble! I need to punch myself!” I’ll go with that last one, because it has more exclamation points and demands less thought from Trail.

    Phantom: Slylock Fox wants you to find six differences between yesterday’s strip and today’s. Being a real bastard, Slylock Fox won’t tell you there are only three differences.

    Mary Mirthless: Now we know: pink icing has a smarmy flavor.

    Pluggers: Here it is, #10,534 in the series of repurposed modern expressions. Collect the entire set and you’ll be able to deny the existence of the twenty-first century.

    Shoe: It’s still there, for some reason.

  62. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    MT — Please tell me this won’t devolve into a scuba diver hooking a big fish onto the shiny lure. Please.

    It would be more realistic, and just about as entertaining, to do what a real-life cheater reportedly did. He stuffed a heavy lead weight into his bass, and when the fish was put into a holding tank, instead of swimming around like the other fish, it sank to the bottom. Oops.

  63. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    MW — “Back off, John. You may worship, but never touch. Never.”

  64. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#62):

    Prepare to be very disappointed!

  65. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    FW — So, no regrets? No sadness? No anger? You come into your dad’s life during what are probably his final few years, if not months, and you’re apparently content that you missed out on knowing him for your first few decades?

  66. Poteet
    February 9th, 2013 at 12:56 am [Reply]

  67. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    February 9th, 2013 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    MW: Ugh. The most nauseating strips are the ones where Mary fakes humility.

  68. Girl Reporter
    February 9th, 2013 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#16):

    Memo to amy c: Chickens barely qualify as birds. KFC “chickens” aren’t birds at all, AFAIC — especially after the 11 herbs and spices hit ‘em.

    But…but…it tastes like chicken…!…?
    Oh, holy moly. It’s macrobiotic boyfriend v Twinkies all over again.

  69. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:11 am [Reply]

    Saturday’s Strips

    Oh that is so wrong. Pluggers online streaming involves standing enqueued at the Wal*Mart pharmacy and peeing in their Depend undergarments.

    Check Peter Parker into the burn ward at the SF General Hospital. Anti-Mary Worth dissed him good in both panels.

    Bizarro was worth a chuckle.

  70. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:12 am [Reply]

    Congrats to the floaters!

    @Bootsy (#13): No worries, there’s always room for more pedantry!

  71. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:17 am [Reply]

    As it turns out, the big fishing scandal is…wait for it…Mr. Bassy uses an appropriate lure for deep water fishing. Yawn.

    On the other hand, I can’t wait to see what the Forth’s “mortal enemies” look like. I love Sally hiding behind the drink card.

    Upps, Frazz. You broke the Cardinal Rule of Grocery Bags: you have neither whole carrot tops or a long skinny French bread sticking out the top of the bag.

    // This rule only applies to TV, movie, and other visual entertainment media.

  72. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:21 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#65): I’m finding today’s FW particularly creepy and unnatural.

    First, she keeps referring to their father in the past tense. He’s not dead (yet) so what’s up with that? Morbid!

    Second, this interchange with Darrin is really weird. Complementing your brother on how he turned out? To the point that he blushes and smirks (well, okay, nevermind the smirk, this is FW after all)? Ew.

    And is this the sort of thing that an estranged daughter would actually say, let alone with a gentle smile (a real smile in FW! OMG)? Gee, I guess Dad was an amazing father, to judge by how you turned out, bro. Too bad I never got to find out for myself because he couldn’t be bothered to stay in touch, I guess!

    If she’s as okay with the situation as she’s acting here, why wasn’t she in touch before? And if the reason she wasn’t in touch before was that they were estranged, why would she be so cheerful about what has to be a pretty fraught situation?

    Not how real humans react to things, Batiuk!

  73. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:21 am [Reply]

    Wait, SweatBaux is a softball, nevermind. Whatever.

  74. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:22 am [Reply]

    On a lighter note, seeing Peter Parker getting burned for using the abomination “Frisco” was glorious. I adore you, icy-word-balloon lady!

  75. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 4:38 am [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#74): Yup. She’s like the San Francisco Helen, uh, Helen Clark. Hand her a dry martini!

  76. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    Did I kill the thread with that last comment?

  77. Droopy Says
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#75): I’d like to see more of her. Parker could travel the country and she could snipe at his dumb comments.

    “Amtrack has terrible service!” — “Only if you ride under the cars, you bum!”

    “Gee, Iowa corn is tall!” — “It’s as high as an elephant’s eye, and why do you look scared, young man?”

    “Here I am in Dago!” — “We call it San Diego, and we don’t call the de Groots at all!”

  78. Baka Gaijin
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#77): I would pay to see that TV show. I can’t wait to see her snark on “Spidey Sense.”

  79. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 9th, 2013 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#16): “tastes like possum-chicken.”

  80. Guest
    February 10th, 2013 at 4:24 am [Reply]

    FW: She’s obviously coming on to him.

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