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Metapost: Book-progress comments of the week

Hey, remember when I did a Kickstarter to write a novel? Whatever happened with that? Well, if you’d like an update, I posted one. Short version: book by the end of November! I hope!

And now, your comment of the week:

“From somewhere deep in the infernal bowels of the Underframe, Tommie’s deer is filled with the satisfaction of a job well done. No more will this ‘Jim’ steal my thunder, it thinks. Now my thunder has stolen HIM.” –Guts Dozier

And the very funny runners up!

“Remember back when we all used to complain that Judge Parker himself never appeared in his own strip? How I miss those days.” –John C Fremont

‘I don’t know really what an editor does, Daddy!’ Yes, your atrocious syntax bears that out, Sarah.” –Doctor Handsome

“I’m having a difficult time thinking of something less likely to aid digestion than a walk with Wilbur.” –nescio

“Think the front of Montoni’s stinks? Check out the alley.” –Écureuil Écumant

“Oh, Brawny Towel Guy, how are we ever going to clean up these spilled liquids!” –Chareth Cutestory

“Poor Rose. She not only has to break the news about Jim’s gruesome death to Tommie, which was totally Tommie’s fault, but Rose now has to explain the theory of flight, why planes crash and people die, why bad things happen to good people. The poor old thing is in for a long, long conversation and at the end of it, Tommie is just as likely to reply ‘But Jim and I are still getting married, right?’” –Gabacho

“I don’t normally praise the art in Family Circus (as it should go without saying), but the expression on the father’s face is perfect. That moment of realization that the kid’s not joking, she really doesn’t get that the book represents a static, unchanging story, that it’s not going to change every time. A mingled shock, sadness, and disappointment. This is my legacy, this is the rotten fruit of my seed.” –Voshkod

Nope! I’m really inside this thi– oh, I see. My face is outside the helmet. Yeah, I have absolutely no idea how this suit works. Better not use a flash on that photo, just in case” –Dan

Judge Parker: “They’re all I have left in the world. Well, besides this giant compound, my large staff of assistants and mercenaries, the millions in drug money and my warehouse of looted art. But that’s all going to the tarantula, of course.” –pugfuggly

“I can imagine Mark [Trail]’s daily life. Mark: ‘Hey, Socket Wrench, can you fix my car today?’ SW: ‘Sorry, Mark, I’m booked up for weeks. You’ll have to make an appointment.’ Mark: ‘Sure seems odd that Socket Wrench is a mechanic but didn’t want to fix my car for me.’ SW: ‘I’m standing right here.’” –Cloudbuster

“Better get used to this, dear. Now that you’re going to be a Parker, people will constantly be giving you valuables.” –Digger

‘How does it make you feel?’ ‘We’re proprietors of a fixed-cost-heavy operation in a low-income area. We need volume to turn a profit. We may be forced to buy a new truck to take on even more fixed cost. Our whole family works here. If we go broke, we have no second income to support us. Look at these bills. Look at the empty seats in front of you. If it weren’t for Token White Guy coming in for a punchline, we’d have gone under years ago. We need a joke setup with multiple customers fast. How does THAT make YOU feel??” –hogenmogen

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

101 responses to “Metapost: Book-progress comments of the week”

  1. tallyHO
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:39 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to Guts Dozier and the Fighting Floater Eleventh! You guys and your Floating Flotilla of Funsters Keep Kickin’ Snark Ass!

  2. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#y3): FW-Getting old in ‘Funky Winkerbean’ is considered a death sentence.

    I don’t want to disillusion you, or be too much of a downer, but the fact is, getting old anywhere is a death sentence.

    // To be fair, NOT getting old is also a death sentence, kind of by definition.

  3. Shrug
    March 7th, 2014 at 1:46 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to Guts Dozier and Float crew. Shrug Spotlights this week to pugfuggly and Cloudbuster.

    Throw caltrops! Yes, they’re dangerous (just ask Dick Tracy) but they’re so much fun to say! Caltrops! Caltrops! Caltrops!

  4. Horace Broon
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#2): I’ve forgotten (and unlike Karen Moy, I won’t guess) who said “If you’re depressed about getting old, consider the alternative”. But they probably didn’t live in Westview, where they pray every night for the alternative to come swiftly.

    Congrats to all on the float!

  5. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:05 pm [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#y101): In a couple years from now a typical week will look like…

    I would so TOTALLY read that strip, every day, buy the books, see the movie*…

    // * Tarantino would direct, of course.

  6. Esther Blodgett
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:08 pm [Reply]

    Lemme just put on my spider-proof riot gear…OK. Congrats to the floaters!

  7. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Horace Broon (#4): I’ve forgotten … who said…

    I apologize. It was Albert Camus, of course. This is CC. All quotes, unless proved otherwise, are by Albert Camus.

    // Even if proved otherwise, we might reasonably assume that Albert Camus quoted the particular quote. So!

  8. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Esther Blodgett (#6): Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, I was only asked to do this if I made it onto the float myself, but what the hell, I’m generous.

    *throws spiders, two of them at Rev. Scudder*

    Congrats, people, and particularly Guts Dozier!

  9. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    I refuse to congratulate the floaters. The comments were all unfunny, and boring, and otiose. Unlike mine, which were fulgent at least, mostly refulgent, and some of the best (which I won’t requote here, because I’m not vain) were effulgent.

    // And I’m not at all bitter. Excuse me, I have to go sharpen my scimitars now.

  10. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#8): Ok. Your comment had fulgitity.

    // Um! Thanks for the spiders!

  11. Ratiocinator
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#10): YW. I made sure you got a plump one.

  12. Horace Broon
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:43 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Wait, this is Jim’s mother? Because it sounds like her main concern over her son’s death is “How is this going to affect Tommie?” She should be getting the platitudes about how happy he was, not being expected to dish them out!

    FC: “Mommy, are we keeping you from having a hobby, or a social life, or a second in the day when you can think about something other than the demands of a bunch of bratty melonheads? And if not, how can we up our game?”

    MW: “I feel bad for Tommy. He seems different now.The old Tommy could have rotted in prison forever for all I cared.”

    RMMD: Dr Pissyface learns that Buck is now tangentally connected to the medical profession. “Oh, hell, no!”

  13. Congo Bill Bailey
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    @Odie Odo (#y133): Heathcliff: Mr. Nutmeg knows that bringing home Heathcliff’s favorite candy bar — a PayDay — will make his cat jump for joy.

    Mr. Nutmeg reacts with TURKISH DELIGHT as his KIT KAT jumps for ALMOND JOY.

    (Congratulations, all!)

  14. Amos Snarkadder
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#9): Yeah! Get off that float! Mardi Gras is over. It’s Lent, show some penitence, ‘mudgeons.
    // Really, congrats to all floaters and hung-over revelers! Toss some cookies!

  15. Liam
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:50 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#2):

    But in Westview it seems more of a death sentence than usual.

  16. Horace Broon
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:51 pm [Reply]

    A3G addendum: And in return for this concern, Tommie shreiks down the phone that she’s a liar.

  17. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 2:57 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#14): Toss some cookies!

    (genuflects) Alas, all too often!

  18. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#15): So, real estate prices must be low, eh? I mean, just saying, everybody has to die sometime, but you gotta live somewhere.

    // Anyone read the comics on Seattle PI? Notice their regular feature, “Buy this modest three bedroom, two bath home for $650,000!”

  19. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:04 pm [Reply]

    Oh my, I’m a floater. Flushed with success? Evidently not!

  20. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:06 pm [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#13): Where do you buy Turkish Delight anymore? World Mart used to carry it but now it’s as rare as Jiffy Pop.

  21. Amos Snarkadder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:11 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#20): Have checked Santaroymart?

  22. Amos Snarkadder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:14 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#21): Ooph! Have you checked Santaroymart?

  23. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (#21): Well, no. Ever since that unfortunate incident — honest, I had just gone in to get some dental floss, and I didn’t get a shopping basket or cart because that is all I wanted, so I put it in my pocket and just then I saw a young lady with large, firm, jauntily bouncing buttocks (this was before I married Mrs. Scudder) and I wanted to share the Gospel with her, and walked out the door after her, and…

    // Well, it’s too painful.

  24. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:20 pm [Reply]

  25. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Écureuil Écumant (#24): $26.96 for less than a pound? Thank you, no! At least in the C.S. Lewis book, the lad was able to get more than that just for his soul.

    …and since I am perfectly sure I have none,
    I’d do it again and again.

  26. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    Woohoo! I’m ridin’ baby!

    Congrats to Guts Dozier and all the rest. My personal star goes next to Voshkod’s comment: a hilarious bit of cake on its own, iced to perfection with the phrase ‘rotten fruit of my seed’.

  27. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#11): Thanks. Serious, a little horseradish… no give it a try!

  28. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#26): rotten fruit of my seed

    Not a bad name for a ukulele/theremin band.

  29. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    Also: I googled ‘rotten fruit of my seed’ just to see if it was a quote borrowed from elsewhere. My search got 3 hits: two of this site, and then this. I’d describe what it is, but…I’m not sure myself.

    In any event, Voshkod: if your real name is Lord Enki, Prince of the Earth, thanks for stopping by to comment, even if clan of Enlil is propagating the internet with false ideas. I’ll make sure to pass on your warnings about Marduk and his moon bases, and I look forward to you being with us all until the end of time.

  30. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:02 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#29): Wow! That’s better than the Time Cube guy.

    // Do they need scimitars?

  31. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Last time I checked, I am not Lord Enki, but I’ll look at my driver’s license again to make sure. I’m shocked that “rotten fruit of my seed” isn’t from somewhere. I guess that means I’ll use it in my next book, because I do like the sound of it.

    My personal favorites were the winner himself, Guts, and floater Doctor Handsome.

  32. greghousesgf
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:23 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#9): I almost never get picked, but I’m not that bitter.

  33. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:30 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#30):

    I’d imagine that Enki would appreciate anyone who’s handy with a sword.

    @Voshkod (#31):

    From what I read, Enki is able to connect with people psychically, so maybe he put that phrase in your brain himself. Just make sure to put him in the acknowledgements of your book and I’m sure he’ll save you a spot in one of his polar bases.

  34. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    @greghousesgf (#32): I’m not bitter! Damnit! I’m happy happy happy!

    // Ouch! My spleen!

  35. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 4:56 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#33): I’d imagine that Enki would appreciate anyone who’s handy with a sword.

    I could use a job. Maybe I’ll apply after my spleen heals up. Does he have dental?

  36. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:00 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#35): “Does he have dental?”

    He has ten thousand champing, grinding teeth with which he shall devour the future. All hail Enki!

  37. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#36): OK, that’s good. What about a 401K? I expect there’s lots of travel involved, does he have a good per diem rate?

  38. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:16 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#37): Your retirement is a guarantee of eternal torment in the gnashing maw in Enki! All hail Enki!

    As for the per diem, it varies by locality. Just make sure you ask for the “Servant of Enki” rate when you check into your hotel, and also make sure that you give all your receipts to Inhumane Resources at the end of your trip.

  39. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:29 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#38): Good to know! I saw his booth at CPAC, but what with the long lines and all, I never got to talk with His reps.

  40. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:42 pm [Reply]

    ENKI is an expert in delivering personalized cloud services to enterprises requiring premium IT infrastructure coupled with expert technical and consulting. All hail, Enki!

  41. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    Enki offers a unique and innovative classroom and homeschool curriculum. Ours is a Global Cultures Curriculum in which ALL academic learning is introduced through the arts. All hail, Enki!

  42. Uncle Lumpy
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:45 pm [Reply]

    Enki is a Ruby on Rails blogging app for the fashionable developer. It’s better than Mephisto or SimpleLog. All hail, Enki!

  43. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#42): I hear that ENKI is the major supplier of Turkish garage door openers. The price and quality leader!

  44. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    I see that Uncle Lumpy has been infected with the glory of Enki. All hail!

  45. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#43): Oopsi! All hail Enki!

  46. Voshkod
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    Enki is also a well known Azerbaijani botnet.

  47. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    Doesn’t ENKI come with Allen keys and assembly instructions in hieroglyphics?

  48. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#47): And Swedish meatballs. Yum!

  49. Midtown
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:15 pm [Reply]

    Well, Lord Enki DID sent his message to earth via Truth Frequency Radio. How much more legit could it be?

  50. pugfuggly
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:22 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#45):

    Enki does not tolerate mistakes.

    Sorry, you’re off the moon base.

  51. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:25 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#50): Crap. If only I had rolled up my sleeves.

  52. Peanut Gallery
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

  53. Peanut Gallery
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:34 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#29): Marmaduke has moon bases now? We’re doomed!

  54. Peanut Gallery
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:38 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#34): See, that’s the thing about bitterness. You have to vent your spleen once in a while.

  55. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#48): Salmon dinner. Delicious.

  56. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:43 pm [Reply]

    @Midtown (#49): If it doesn’t come through Art Bell, it’s not reliable.

  57. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:46 pm [Reply]

    All hail Enki,
    He makes me full of squee!
    He’s better than meth or crack
    I get down upon my knee.

    All hail Enki
    Where ever you may be,
    Enki always has your back
    With his snickersnee!

    All hail Enki
    His message is profound
    Listen to the radio
    Or else you will be drowned!

    All hail Enki,
    Walk into his maw,
    He welcomes little babies,
    He welcomes your old Pa.

    All hail Enki,
    ‘Tis futile to resist,
    Give yourself to Enki,
    Or Enki will be pissed!

    (To the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon”)

  58. Borborygmy
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#57): Oh, Rev. Scudder! Always a song to gladden our hearts!

  59. A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon
    March 7th, 2014 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#56): Perhaps Art Bell IS Enki. Has he ever denied it?

  60. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#54): Perhaps you are right. And Scientology wants to save my marriage. If only there were one weird old trick to lose weight…

  61. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:14 pm [Reply]

    @A. Smirch Unheeded, Archdeacon (#59): No photos of them together. You may be on to something.

  62. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#61): That’s the mind of a trained journalist! Cozy Momemts cannot be muzzled.

  63. Droopy Says
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#57): Fantastic! What else does Enkidu?

  64. Borborygmy
    March 7th, 2014 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#61): You actually googled that, didn’t you?

  65. Congo Bill Bailey
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:15 pm [Reply]

    Reality Check: Far be it for me to turn down an OMAHA STEAK…

  66. Écureuil Écumant
    March 7th, 2014 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Crank: Oh, that Ed — he’s such a kick!

  67. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:18 pm [Reply]

    Hearty congratulations to the float folk. I’m seeing things that made me laugh before and others that I’d somehow missed and am glad to catch now.

    And John C Fremont articulates my feeling exactly. We didn’t know how good we had it.

  68. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, float-folk! Throw diamonds!

  69. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    March 7th, 2014 at 9:32 pm [Reply]

    A3G: Looking at today’s strip, I have that same slight sense of disorientation that one gets when the sound and picture are slightly out of sync on a video: the expressions just don’t match up with the words that they’re saying.

  70. Sequitur
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#7):

    // Even if proved otherwise, we might reasonably assume that Albert Camus quoted the particular quote. So!

    Albert Camus said that.

    HEY! Big fat congrats to Guts Dozier and the Floaters. That’s a bit of good doo wop snark you got going there.

  71. Poteet
    March 7th, 2014 at 10:52 pm [Reply]

  72. Poteet
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:01 pm [Reply]

    What a wonderful long list of impressive hilarity, and this week I really needed it. Congratulations to Guts Dozier and the fabulous funny float riders! Asterisks to (choosing was difficult) Gabacho and pugfuggly.

  73. Poteet
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:07 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#29): At long last, someone to blame for the way things are. Lord Enki, I’ve got a few dozen bones to pick with you!

  74. Sequitur
    March 7th, 2014 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#73):

    Yeah, I think Lord Enki is ultimately responsible for Gasoline Alley.

  75. Albert
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:04 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#2): But really, isn’t being in Westview pretty much a death sentence regardless of age?

  76. Sequitur
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:19 am [Reply]

    @Albert (#75):

    Let’s face it. Life is a death sentence.

  77. Droopy Says
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: Sadly, Parker is right: it won’t be a laughing matter when Jameson attacks Spiderman. Laughable, yes, but that’s not quite the same thing.

    Family Circus: Speak up, Jeffy! Mommy celebrates your birthday by doing what she did on the day you entered the world: screaming in pain until she was sedated.

    FW: Funky, it’s no delusion that you haven’t changed since your teen years. You’re still an unappealing, ill-drawn blob.

    Jugheaded Parker: Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s–Stuporman!

    Mark Trail: Mark, he’s a taxidermist. His clients can’t pick themselves up.

    Phantom: Okay, Grubber, what’s your secret? How have you managed to stay awake through this entire story?

    Pluggers don’t actually drive, or they’d say “Wait a minute, how often do you see one-lane country roads with a 55 MPH speed limit? And how many freeways still require you to drive that slowly?”

  78. Albert
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#76): But in Westview, it’s the deathiest death sentence ever!

    @Droopy Says (#77): On FC – Getting a jump on next week’s COTW, I see.

  79. Huckleberry Fink
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: “Why would a taxidermist need to pick up clients?”

    Because he lives on a private island — and they don’t have a boat.

  80. Huckleberry Fink
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    Brewster Rockit: What has been observed by an Observer cannot be unobserved.

  81. Huckleberry Fink
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    Rhymes with Orange: “We ran out of venison. How about some tough and gamey grandmother instead?”

  82. Snarky Parker
    March 8th, 2014 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#79):

    You stole that from Al Jaffee’s Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, didn’t you?

  83. Chip Whittle
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Did … Did Mary Worth’s dinner cause Wilbur and Iris to shrink to maybe three feet tall? And if so, how long is it going to take before they come around to thanking Mary for turning them into misshapenly tiny humanoid figures? Well, I know how Wilbur will come around–”Thanks, Mary, now every sandwich is nearly four times as much meal!”–but what about Iris?

  84. Snarky Parker
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:11 am [Reply]

    @Congo Bill Bailey (#65): He doesn’t look like much — even with his clothes on. However, I’ll take a thick, juicy Omaha Steak over a tough and gamey grandmother any day of the week.

  85. Aviatrix
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    This will probably be my last float of the winter before I disappear into the skies until next November. Please, keep on being funny, you will float in spirit.

    @Horace Broon (#30): Oh, bravo! I though “He’s got the wrong guy, and Ed sets him right” would be the lamest possible way to end this. “He’s got the wrong guy, Ed sets him right, and then there’s a ‘cloud’ pun” never even occured to me.

    @J.D. Rhoades (#66): Maybe Lara the Photographer can console herself by finding someone who can teach her the Bandar Tongue, if you know what I mean.

    @Alison (#136): Right now I have an image of Delta and Bernice microwaving a bunch of food and going door-to-door with it, asking people, “Hi, are you a needy family? We made this dinner for a needy family. Oh, you’re not needy? Okay, do you know where we can find someone who is?”

    @Ratiocinator (#88): If by “incapacitating accident” you mean “onset of Iron-Jonah-phobia that made him quit being Spider-Man”, then yes, he suffered one of those.

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#222): In a normal narrative, the arrogant, privileged jerk confidently striding past the “Keep Out” sign would suffer consequences, but here he’ll probably trip over a huge emerald.

    @pugfuggly (#26): “Please dear, a Roma assassin squad is crashing your wedding. You know, maybe it’s attitudes like that that drive them into the criminal underworld.”

    @Cloudbuster (#70): I think there’s a blanket excuse from being culturally sensitive toward people who are trying to kill you.

    @Gabacho (#7): Poor Rose. She not only has to break the news about Jim’s gruesome death to Tommie, which was totally Tommie’s fault, but Rose now has to explain the theory of flight, why planes crash and people die, why bad things happen to good people. The poor old thing is in for a long, long conversation and at the end of it, Tommie is just as likely to reply “But Jim and I are still getting married, right?”

    @Gabacho (#8): See, I knew Tommie wouldn’t get it. “Did you call the airport?” is not a response that anyone has made ever. Go ahead, Tommie, start calling

    “Hello, LaGuardia, is Jim dead?…No, this is not some goddam weird joke…It’s a question.”

    “Hello, JFK, is Jim dead?…What do you mean ‘Inshallah. The Sons of the Prophet will walk’? It’s a simple question.”

    “Hello, Newark Liberty, is Jim dead? Oh, he is! Well thanks. Bye now.”

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#124): I picture a morgue/baggage claim. “Wait, is that Jim? His blackened corpse looks just like all the other blackened corpses!” “I told you to put a brightly colored ribbon on him!” “Yeah, I know. Crap, now we have to wait for him to come around again.”

    @TheDiva (#45): Someday, we’ll come across a bearded literary critic who steals Mary Worth’s purse. And he will be the greatest evil the serial strip world has ever faced.

    @hogenmogen (#83): “Use only as directed!” So this Bandar, deep in the jungle, wearing a leaf hat, oversized earrings, a shark tooth necklace and a grass skirt is familiar enough with American TV commercials to quip about them? Forget Phantom’s outright thievery of the history’s treasures, Guran is stealing satellite!

  86. Sequitur
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    @Albert (#78):

    Life is but a dress rehearsal for death.

  87. Sequitur
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:19 am [Reply]

    Calling all Baka Gaijins!

    Now there’s whole planet to avoid.

  88. Sequitur
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#88):

    Or a whole planet.

    I’ve got to stop drinkin’ and postin’ at the same time.

  89. Poteet
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:30 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#86): Now I’m picturing you as a rough-legged hawk:-).

  90. Majicou
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:31 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#86): before I disappear into the skies until next November
    Man, that’s one hell of a long flight.

  91. bats :[
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:36 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#69): I think you have to put it in the proper context, that’s all…

  92. Poteet
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#74): The horror! Lord Enki could spend a decade or so apologizing just for that. I skimmed his long-winded utterance and it says there’s an ill-intentioned entity around named Marduk, which is obviously short for Marmaduke. Josh has been right about Marmaduke’s true nature all along.

  93. Hairhead
    March 8th, 2014 at 1:56 am [Reply]


    Panel One. Shannon opened the door with a credit card. You can’t do that with a deadbolt lock, which is what this was drawn as. Plus, firemen are TRAINED how to knock down/force open doors. For a closet door like that, a backward heel strike would knock a closet door’s handle off very easily; or you could brace your feet against the inner wall of the closet, putting your back against the door and pushing with the power of both legs, or in this case, with the power of Brad and Toni together (Tad? Broni?), remembering that Toni is STRONGER than Brad, as was proven in the fireman’s test.

    Still on Panel One. Toni then sneers at what Shannon has done, implying IN FRONT OF SHANNON, that her father is a B&E specialist, a felon, and someone actively training his minor child in illegal pursuits. CUSTODIAL INTERFERENCE, NONREPORTING OF A SITUATION DANGEROUS TO A CHILD, PLUS BEING A GINORMOUS DICK, ANYONE?

    Panel Two. Irrepressibly horny Brad (after all, he’s at least 23 and never been laid, so I’d call that pretty horny) is clearly, from the position of his arms, lying directly ON TOP of Toni, face-to-face, chest-to-chest, and crotch-to-crotch. Ya know what I called that when I did it? Dry humping. And Shannon could walk in at any time. Ya think Shannon’s Dad would appreciate his daughter watching his “aunt” and some potato-headed doofus in nonpenetrative sex? I THINK NOT.

    Panel Three. Enter the firemen, because both Brad and Toni FORGOT that he had called the fire dept. Ya know, I’d expect that from fifteen-year-olds, not fully adult, trained firefighters. Specifically, Brad had called his fireman friend and told him they were locked in a closet. So the firemen arrive fifteen minutes later. Fifteen minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES!! What kind of a fire department is that, with a 15-minute response time??? (Answer: One that has hired both Brad and Toni!) And these firemen have walked in, without knocking, into a private residence in a non-fire, non-life-threatening situation, and interrupted a heavy petting session (this has gone past making out) between non-parents taking place in front of a minor child. The firemen ought to be reporting this; or at least scolding the Broni.

    And also: Why didn’t Brad call TJ, who lives there and has a key to the place? Why not his father or his mother, who OWN the house and have a key to the place? Why call the freaking FIRE DEPARTMENT to open a closet door? As firefighters, Brad (and Toni) should have realized they could be fined or charged for a what is clearly frivolous call, since the firefighter they called would have told them to call the landlord and/or roommate to let them out . . .

    And, and, and . . . . .




    (Raising my arm from my position on the floor) HERE THEY ARE, BRAD AND TONI, THE BRONI, PARENTS OF THE YEAR!!

  94. Frank Lee Meidere
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:07 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#57): It’s about drugs, right? The song is about drugs?

  95. Droopy Says
    March 8th, 2014 at 2:12 am [Reply]

    @Hairhead (#93): So what you’re saying is, this is an unusual installment of Luann because one character–the five year old–knew how to handle a problem. If this plot development went anywhere, Shannon would take over the local paper’s Ask Wendy column and outbid Widdle Sawah for a book contract.

  96. Ratiocinator
    March 8th, 2014 at 4:42 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#85): Aw man, it seems like you just got back so recently!

    Ah well, I guess if you have to go, you have to go. But where do you go that you don’t have internet access? If you don’t mind my asking, of course. Anyway, take care, and thanks for putting me on your float.

    (And if I’m on it, I guess that means I need to make with the spiders again!)

    *throws ‘em*

  97. Borborygmy
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#94): All songs are about drugs. You knew that already. Didn’t you see Inside Llewyn Davis?

    // Hang me oh hang me, I’ll be dead and gone.

  98. CanuckDownSouth
    March 8th, 2014 at 7:52 am [Reply]

    @Hairhead (#93): You forgot that the firefighters got into the living room without making any noise. Even opening an unlocked door can be heard throughout a house, so I can only conclude that, while supervising a child during winter, they left the door open to the outside wide open.

  99. Guts Dozier
    March 8th, 2014 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    Thanks everyone!

    You guys always bring a smile to start my workday.

  100. Congo Bill Bailey
    March 8th, 2014 at 9:35 pm [Reply]

    @Snarky Parker (#82):

    “If you’re going to steal, steal from the best.” — Al Jaffee Camus

  101. Hairhead
    March 9th, 2014 at 2:23 am [Reply]

    Do you see what Brad is doing? He’s putting his STREET SHOES on the couch. Do you realize how bloody filthy that is? Since Toni is between his legs, his dirty shoes are on both sides of her, putting grit, mud, sand, and old dog-do right on the couch. Wait! Toni is IN HER SHOES, TOO! On the couch! Flat on the couch. Bloody dirt everywhere.

    What IS it with Evans — or does he come from a dirty, dirty family? I mean, he had to DRAW the shoes, soles, uppers, and everything. Having them in socks would be easier to draw, and cleaner, too.

    Honestly, every time I think I have seen every way in which Evans can demonstrate his protagonists are shallow, nasty, and stupid, he demonstrates something else — in this case, filth!

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