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Swan dive into madness

Mary Worth, 7/7/05

I’m beginning to think we’ve all treated Rita a little harshly. I mean, sure, she’s a belligerent, foul-mouthed drunk, but she’s got good reason to be: her daughter’s dead and she’s been kicked out of her apartment and forced to beg for help from someone she barely knows.

Mary Worth, on the other hand, is crazy. I mean, if I were in Rita’s shoes and Mary suddenly pulled this swan routine on me, I’d be all like, “Damn, girl, my life is f’ed up, but you are wack. Go on with your crazy-ass swan-having self.” I like the way that Mary is framed by the inky blackness of … well, whatever it is she’s standing in front of (is that the shadow of the door?) and surrounded by a glowing aura of widowish piety. And are those porcelain swans, or plastic, or … I mean, does she play with them in the bathtub or something? I’m getting more creeped out with each passing moment.

Do you suppose Dr. Jeff’s met the swans? I think I’d like to see the strip where he does, because I’d like to see him cry.

88 responses to “Swan dive into madness”

  1. Beasley
    July 7th, 2005 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    “Damn, girl, my life is f’ed up, but you are wack. Go on with your crazy-ass swan-having self.”

    So…you sayin’ that Mary is gonna start to speak jive?!

    / Cut me som’ slac’ jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow.

  2. RBF
    July 7th, 2005 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    Meddlin’s got some wacked idea of a “Shrine!”

  3. Beasley
    July 7th, 2005 at 9:49 pm [Reply]

    ^ Too vague? ;)

  4. Beasley
    July 7th, 2005 at 9:50 pm [Reply]

    Ack! It’s a clash of the simultaneous posts!

    / 9:49 pm

  5. Ron
    July 7th, 2005 at 9:59 pm [Reply]

    I would never have come up with “swans mate for life,” though. I’d have been all, “Zeus had his way with Leta after turning himself into a swan!”

  6. Beasley
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:04 pm [Reply]


    But I still bet Castor and Pollux would be pissed.

  7. RBF
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:13 pm [Reply]

    Wonder if Mary has a shirt that reads,
    “Married for 75 years, and all I have to show for it is this lousy shirt and a friggin’ pair of swans from the Dollar Store.”

  8. Thel
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    a friggin’ pair of plastic swans from the Dollar Store, TWO for a dollar, no doubt!

  9. Islamorada Girl
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:22 pm [Reply]

    Mute swans are North American exotics (non native invasive species) aggressive, dirty, nasty animals with a ten foot wingspan. They drive native animals away, pull up and destroy marine grasses, and are fully capable of breaking your arm with one of those big old wings. And if that doesn’t keep you out of their territory, they also bite. I hate them.
    And they are not life maters. Canada geese are life maters.

    Just goes to show you how much Mary knows, don’t it?

  10. PizzaBagel
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:28 pm [Reply]

    Do you suppose Dr. Jeff’s met the swans? I think I’d like to see the strip where he does, because I’d like to see him cry.

    Cry because he’d be so choked up with Mare’s display of sentimentality, or because he’d just realized he’d never get be getting past the Meddler’s chastity garter belt?

    If this display doesn’t scare Rita straight into rehab, then I don’t know what will. Maybe if she found out that each of the swans has a name – like Jackalicious and Twinkie-Toes.

  11. PizzaBagel
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:34 pm [Reply]

    I-Girl, where’d you learn all that stuff ’bout mute swans and Canada geese – from Mark Trail?

  12. Sharkbait
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    Mary’s shrine is dark because she never changes a thing in that room, including the light bulbs. The patina of cobwebs around her head is further evidence.

    The amazing thing about the swans is the implication that Mary once had a life, and even more incredible, that even now, at least for those few minutes a day she spends in the shrine, she has a completely self-centered emotional response!

    For shame, Mary. And I thought I knew you…

  13. Lor
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:42 pm [Reply]

    Aw, there has to be more to The Shrine than a pair of ol’ skinny birds. But wait … if there is more, does that mean we’re going to be treated to a week’s worth of Mary hauling each item out one by one?

    “And this is a picture of Jack with his whip and mask, the way I remember him best … And these are all the pieces of jewelry he gave me when he felt guilty about that other woman … And this is the snarl of hair I managed to save from his brush the day he died, see the split ends? SEE THEM, RITA? YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS SUFFERED, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THE GOOD LORD KNOWS I HAVE SUFFERED.”

  14. PizzaBagel
    July 7th, 2005 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    Are we to believe that the only thing keeping the Mistress of Meddlin’ from turning into Ragin’ Rummy Rita is the calming effect of the dollar-store swans? Mary to self: “There but for a cheap figurine go I.”

    “Patina of cobwebs”: Great one, Sharkbait!

  15. Beasley
    July 7th, 2005 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

    I say unto Rita…visit the Dollar Store.

  16. Matt Estes
    July 7th, 2005 at 11:20 pm [Reply]

    The thing that disturbs me most about this comic is the phrasing. Mary doesn’t say “before my husband died, he bought me these swans and told me they had a special meaning”. No, what she says is, “This is a gift from my late husband Jack…. Jack knew I’d understand the meaning of the swans”.

    A gift of swans….. from beyond the grave!!!

    Either that, or they were an anonymous gift from Dr. Jeff, and Mary is even crazier then we all give her credit for.

  17. Matt Estes
    July 7th, 2005 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Hey, anybody else notice how Rita also immediately understood the significance of the swans? It’s almost as if Rita and Mary also have a strong, special connection. I remember earlier in this storyline, when Rita first showed up on Mary’s doorstep, drunken confused and alone, thinking how if this was anything except Mary Worth, it would be a recipe for torrid lesbian romance, but that sort of got lost in all of the drunken restaurant shenanigans. Now that the two women are all alone again, though, I don’t know….. tomorrow Rita is probably going to respond by showing Mary that hideous puppet her daughter made that looks as if it were sewn from human skin, and then in Saturday’s strip….. well, look out!!

  18. PizzaBagel
    July 7th, 2005 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    Turns out Fity Cent Foxworth is a big tipper. He gives the hospital check-room girl a steak for her trouble! Was that thing on ice, or did he just pull it out of his back pocket like some spare change the rest of us folks like to toss around?

    “You don’t like rib-eye, Missy? Well, then howzabout a fee-lay meen-yon? Let me check my other pocket.”

  19. violencejackal
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:59 am [Reply]

    So yeah, on the subject of Rex Morgan…what the hell is up with Buck’s dad? Is he trying to seduce Rex? First he says Rex can call him “Luke,” and that he knows they’re going to be real good friends, and now he’s showing Rex that he’s got a pocketful of juicy meat for anybody that done treat him right. Judging how Buck was around Rex (before he got bludgeoned), in the Foxworth family, the apple must not fall too far from the tree. I wonder if Luke knows anything about pitching tents. I mean, Buck had to learn it from somewhere.

  20. Dub Not Dubya
    July 8th, 2005 at 2:14 am [Reply]

    Q: What’s the difference between Mary’s dear departed husband and Ritzilla?

    A: His name was Jack Worth, and she isn’t worth jack!

  21. Adam-12
    July 8th, 2005 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    Ugh, what an ungodly hour to be awake. But at least I have time to eat my Cheerios and peruse the comics.

    “Hunnybunch” Drabble has a first name! Who knew? June Drabble! I think yesterday and today were the first times I’ve ever seen her called something else.

    What’s with the scatalogical humor today? “Curtis” features a joke about a dog passing gas, and “Piranha Club” has a horse doing what a horse does best in Ernie’s garden. Is nothing sacred anymore?

    A3G: It’s official…most boring date ever.

    MT: I knew it, I knew he’d get bit by the raccoon! I saw it coming. Now let me guess, Boyd decides not to go to the doctor (maybe due to a lack of HEALTH INSURANCE) and ends up getting sick whilst on the fishing trip with Mark and the Macbeths.

    Phantom: The “god of Evil?” Really, how dumbed down is that? That’s the best the ancient civilization could do, the “god of Evil.” No doubt in contrast to the “god of Good” and the “god of Not-Good-Not-Bad-Just-Kinda-Okay-Today.”

    Oh well, time to make the donuts…

  22. Fence Post Frank
    July 8th, 2005 at 6:18 am [Reply]

    Mare keeps the swans in her bedroom. The doc has never been in her bedroom, so he doesn’t have a clue that he is never going his way with the old gray mare.

  23. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 6:54 am [Reply]

    Newsflash…the apocalypse is upon us. Baby Blues was actually funny today. I think little brother (sorry, I can’t be bothered to learn their names) has a little bit of Calvin in him.

    In other news…
    The Mrs. Appears to be flirting with Marmaduke again. “Your muscle tone is just fine Big Boy.”
    Von Haney’s mystery girl has a past as well as lopsided boobs.
    And, Luann and her kinky haired friend may be headed toward a sexual encounter of the worst kind. Anyone who would ogle those girls in those horrible costumes has got to be a sicko.

  24. Monkeys Uncle
    July 8th, 2005 at 7:12 am [Reply]

    “Your late husband gave you swans Mary, how enviable. But I dont have any swans, I dont have %$&#

  25. Archivalist
    July 8th, 2005 at 7:14 am [Reply]

    Remember a few years back on Letterman: “Top Ten Mafia Euphemisms for Being Killed?” Now we’ve got a new one:

    “Dr. Jeff has met the swans.”

  26. WoodrowFan
    July 8th, 2005 at 7:42 am [Reply]

    I am still waiting for Rita and Mary to find solace in each other’s arms, then invite Dr Jeff for a hearty 60-something threesome….. “As Rita’s head moved slowly lower, showing Mary neatly trimmed bush, Mary gripped the sheets in eager anticipation of the ecstasy that surely would soon arrive. She looked to the side and saw her swans on the table neaby, and as Rita’s tongue and fingers worked their magic, Mary closed her eyes and remembered her husband…….”

  27. Smitty Smedlap
    July 8th, 2005 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Now that has to be a first — Mary Worth “Slash” FanFiction. We’ve all been thinking it, congrats to WoodrowFan for actually committing it to (cyber) paper.

    Swans. G-spot. Think about it.

  28. marykat
    July 8th, 2005 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    Everyone was relieved when the raccoon became normal size…NOW look what you get! It isn’t the abnormally large and monstrous animals that MT wants us to fear. When you see a normal sized woodland creature, RUN TO HIGHER GROUND! Mark told him to be careful and respect nature, but Boyd was too careless. Lets hope we all learn this important lesson now; lest we wind up devoured by a housefly the next time we stupidly try and swat it away.

  29. Fence Post Frank
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    From Friday’s USA Today

    Dagwood & Co.: See us all over the funny pages

    By David Colton, USA TODAY

    She was the Paris Hilton of the funny pages — a flighty flapper called Blondie Boopadoop with a short skirt, a cute curl and a passion for her millionaire beau.

    He was Dagwood Bumstead, not the harried suburbanite we know today, but a rich playboy so in love with Blondie that he defied his wealthy father and gave up a fortune to marry her in 1933, right there in the comics at the height of the Depression.

    Blondie never quite became a desperate housewife, and Dagwood’s surely no Donald Trump. Instead, they settled into suburbia and became one of the world’s best-known married couples.

    Now, 75 years after the strip was born on Sept. 8, 1930, Blondie and Dagwood are planning what the strip’s syndicate is calling “the biggest party in the history of the funny pages.”

    Beginning Sunday, Blondie will launch a three-month crossover with some of the best-known comic strips in newspapers. Almost two dozen characters from Beetle Bailey to Garfield to Dick Tracy to the Wizard of Id will meet the Bumsteads in their strips, a collegial tribute rare in the competitive world of newspaper comics.

    “Reading Blondie is like breathing,” says Mort Walker, creator of Beetle Bailey. “Everyone relates to Dagwood and his desire to take naps or make a sandwich. It’s just a part of life.”

    *In Walker’s strip, Blondie phones Beetle looking for Dagwood, who’s playing cards on the Army base. “She’s been calling all the other comic strips for two hours,” Dagwood says.

    *Over at Hagar the Horrible, the gruff Viking is excited to be invited to the Bumsteads: “I love their sandwiches!”

    *And Garfield is told thought-balloon lettering “will be provided” if he attends the Bumstead gala. “Yesss! I won’t even have to think,” the fat cat says.

    Such funny-page jams have happened a few times before: Cartoonists turned their strips over to tributes after 9/11 and when Peanuts creator Charles M. Schulz died in 2000.

    “It doesn’t get any more important than Blondie,” says Rocky Shepard, president of King Features, which syndicates the strip to more than 2,300 newspapers and 55 nations. “It’s without a doubt the biggest strip we represent, core to everything we do.”

    Why has Blondie endured?

    “It’s Darwinian evolution — survival of the funniest,” Hagar cartoonist Chris Browne says. “The writing is still very fresh, and it’s always been exquisitely drawn. You can see the pain in Dagwood’s face when he crashes into the mailman.

    “We can relate to Dagwood dashing for the bus, taking naps, being interrupted in the bathtub. The Bumsteads do not have a picture-perfect existence, but it’s the best we can do.”

    The keeper of the Blondie legacy is Dean Young, 66. Based in Clearwater, Fla., Young has been doing the strip ever since his father, Chic Young, died in 1973.

    “I think he’d like this,” Young says of the tribute. “He was a cartoonist kind of guy.”

    Young and the other cartoonists acknowledge that newer strips have gotten edgier and more harsh. But readers, they say, appreciate the simplicity of the classics.

    Says Young: “Blondie is about four things: eating, sleeping, raising children and making money. Actually, No. 3 is sex, but we still can’t say that in the comic strips.”

  30. Monkeys Uncle
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:03 am [Reply]


    Mary’s bush?!?!

    For the love of God! I mean….

    EWWWWW! freakin EWWWWW!

    I have to go bleach my brain now.

  31. Sheila
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    Okay, maybe Doc Jeff has never made it to the inner sanctum, but he and Mary have been DATING for years now! (Or wait, maybe it’s only a couple months… time moves so slooooooowly in Mary Worth Land. Anyway –) If Mary’s so “mated for life” to the late hubby, where’s she get off dating? Do SWANS, er, wait, Canada geese, go on dates with new birds when the old mate is roadkill? Does it make it all right if they cross their little scaly knees and say “Ohhhhh no, this is a CHASTE goose-date”?

    I mean, people hooted when Clinton didn’t count oral as sex. Where’s the outcry about Mary not counting dating as a romance???

    She IS wack.

  32. smee
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:07 am [Reply]

    i can’t believe we’re still not talking about FBOFW. granted, three or four days of nothing but the anticipation of the family finding a house destroyed by maurauding house pets isn’t all that interesting, but this “grad party” is gold!

    i mean, come ON. “we’re not called 4-evah for nothing!” and april’s burgeoning sexuality? GOLD, PEOPLE.

  33. Smitty Smedlap
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Oh my — just went to torture myself by listening to Roadside Becky’s graduation song, and found THIS:

    What’ll it be? Hoochie April? Futurama April? Another Hoochie April?

  34. Fence Post Frank
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:26 am [Reply]

    What’ll it be? Hoochie April? Futurama April? Another Hoochie April?

    Comment by Smitty Smedlap

    Smitty, are you becoming a dirty old man?

  35. Fireball Fred
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    And why is Mary handing her treasured porcelain swans to a drunk who is at best unsteady, with well established destructive tendencies?

  36. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    I just don’t have the energy to deal with the trials and tribulations of the Patterson clan. Of course, it doesn’t seem like Lynn Johnston has the strength to deal with them either. Whatever might be blossoming with April and her boyfreind will probably be dropped in mid-plotline just like the Klepforths, selling their businesses, dealing with Mike’s too small apartment (and their too big house). Lynn can’t finish a story to save her soul.

  37. Barry
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:31 am [Reply]

    Just thought I’d let everyone know that a GIS for “Mary Worth taking a poop” comes up empty handed. Makes you think…

  38. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    If someone is going go to the trouble of making paper dolls from comics, I think that there are better choices: Apartment 3G, Pibgorn, Edda, Brandy and Jen.

  39. Smitty Smedlap
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    FencePost Frank — not becoming, already there!

    We could’ve used your services recently. Just got a couple of estimates on backyard fencing. Your industry appears to be rife with shysters and ne’er-do-wells.

  40. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:39 am [Reply]

    You could also make paper dolls for Gil Thorpe, but all of the dolls would look the same.

  41. PizzaBagel
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:52 am [Reply]

    Smitty, are you saying that the fence-building contractors in real life are even more crooked than Fence Post Frank? Or did you mean to say that you could have used the services of Pus Boy, who exposed FPF’s inflated estimate to the Morgans?

  42. daChipster
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Thorp, Gil, Death to: Three Random Panel Theater? Is it Friday already?

    RMMD: Mr. Foxworth: “’Scuse me while I whip this out!”

    Foxtrot: They stole the English Major joke from, kind of.

  43. smee
    July 8th, 2005 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    smitty smedlap, well done!

    also, kudos to lynn johnston for giving april a relatively human (actually, semi-voluptuous) body.

    but minus points for giving april mariah carey’s wardrobe.

    (april doll, for those of you confused)

  44. PizzaBagel
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Wren, yeah LJ apparently has either no patience or no focus in order to properly terminate a storyline in FBorFW. Just when she gets one plotline up and running, it’s forgotten and it’s off to something else. There are way too many loose ends in this strip-to-nowhere. But still I continue to follow it. Here’s hoping that Edgrrrr, Dixie, and Shazbot, er, Shiimsa set off a gas explosion to level the house just as the Muppet Pattersons are about to enter.

  45. PizzaBagel
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Mr. Foxworth: “‘Scuse me while I whip this out!”

    Let’s get a harrumph for daChipster! “Harrumph!”

  46. Lor
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    Wren, I loved Baby Blues too. Totally worth it!

    Adam-12, I’m wondering if that raccoon was rabid. A course of scary vaccinations would put the kibosh on a fishing trip into the wilderness, methinks. Nowadays you’d get a series of 5 shots in your arm instead of 21 shots in the abdomen, but let’s not forget MT is set in the 1950s.

  47. Bill Peschel
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    If Luann is getting into cosplay, couldn’t they have come up with better characters?

    I still can’t fathom that two budding teen cartoonists could come up with such dorky characters.

    At this rate, they’ll have a shot at appearing in the “Napoleon Dynamite” sequel.

  48. Anne Nonymous
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    I, too, thought the gift of steaks to the candy-striper in RMMD were a bit odd. But, doesn’t everyone fly 2/3 of the way across the country, carrying steaks in their luggage? Could have been worse, I suppose- could have been Montana trout; surely they would have begun to stink up his luggage ( and the whole hospital) by now. I hope those steaks were well-frozen and not yet totally defrosted.

  49. Smitty Smedlap
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    PizzaBagel — sadly, FencePostFrank appears to be the norm in that business. I really could’ve used Pusboy’s services in dealing with the various contractors that have shown up over the last two weeks. All I want is a fence that’s not too ugly and will keep the hounds in the back yard when they catch a scent. No fence, no scents, if you will.

    Maybe I could bury some old Fiestaware in the back yard and Pusboy could dig it up and think it’s evidence of a long-lost civilization that once lived there. A very festive civilization.

  50. di
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    Oh, that “rascal” racoon is decidedly rabid. Now the guy he bit will develop rabies and bite everyone at the fishing trip, except for MT, who will have, just in case, a few rounds of rabies treatment in his backback.

  51. Liz
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    I was a bit disappointed to see that Rita didn’t smash the swans to bits. Maybe she’ll steal it away during the night, and glue her and Fay’s faces to the heads in some sort of crazy tribute. One of my roommates in college used to do crazy things like that after too much booze.

  52. Blueberry
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    I see a convergence far more interesting than the contrived Blondie tribute — Ritzilla is spreading through the comic pages like kudzu! Boyd Carnes clearly will get rabies (that’s what he gets for living in the suburbs!) and start foaming at the mouth and swearing like a longshoreman. Meanwhile, “Meatman” Foxworth is latching onto RMMD as tightly as Ritzilla did to Mary. He’ll be moving into the spare room, and he’ll probably make creepy humanskin puppets and play with the Morgans’ equally creepy daughter…

  53. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    Liz, All of my roomates in colleges did far crazier things than that when they were drunk (which was only 5 or 6 days per week).

  54. Fence Post Frank
    July 8th, 2005 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    Smitty -

    FencePost Frank, We could’ve used your services recently. Just got a couple of estimates on backyard fencing. Your industry appears to be rife with shysters and ne’er-do-wells.

    Well, I will never speak ill of a fellow fence man, unlike BuckyChucky. The homeowner just doesn’t understand the cost and expense of good wood. All those tree huggers make it harder to cut down trees. Down south in the rain forest all the big tress are gone.

    I am no economist, but I hear it’s all supply and demand. I am just a simple fence man trying to make a few cents.

  55. AbsoluteZero
    July 8th, 2005 at 10:16 am [Reply]

    Friday is clearly the official Comics Curmudgeon Convalcade of Comedy. Look at the non-stop quality across the board: “Call me Luke” doling out warm meat like an Atkins Santa Claus at Christmas, Scott Gaines horrible secret revealed (Spiritual fashion leader of crippled school janitors), Family Circus makes a “rotting body parts clogging the pool filter” joke worthy of CSI, April Patterson apparently takes a swing at Gerald’s unwelcome advances (either that or she’s really confident in her antiperspirant), the animals in Mark Trail start their long-coming “two legs bad” revolt (we all knew it was coming), and if that wasn’t enough we even get one of those magical “fast forward” Gil Thorp strips with all the narrative continuity of trying to watch three different television shows at once… while being bludgeoned about the head with a Gilford regulation field hockey stick.

    Aside from the want of manic Rita stomping Ritzilla style through Mary’s treasured porcelain swans, hummel villages, and “Love is…” baubles, this was nearly a perfect comic day across the board! Rejoice!

  56. Zorba the Geek
    July 8th, 2005 at 10:29 am [Reply]

    Wonderful commentary, Ab, and absolutely right on! Regarding the Blondie three-month love-fest, is this just because of the strip’s 75th anniversary, or is Dean Young dying of some dread disease? I believe Ces mentioned something about the cross-over awhile ago, and said that his corporate masters were responsible for the Sally Forth participation. This is going to be really stupid, I just know it. Ah, well, more fodder for Josh and the College.

  57. gnome de blog
    July 8th, 2005 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Fence Post Blues
    Well, I’m a fence post man, tryin’ to make some cents
    (chord change)
    I’m just a fence man, trying to make a few cents,
    Down south they ain’t no more (7th chord)big trees
    And the homeowners ain’t (change) got no sense

  58. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    At first I thought the Blondie crossover thing would be good. After all, we cannot get enough of that magnificent rack. Then I started thinking about how poorly drawn most strips are. Can you imagine what Blondie would look like if rendered by Cathy Guisewite or Scott Adams? Please do us a favor and stick to Dagwood.

  59. Mooncity
    July 8th, 2005 at 11:12 am [Reply]

    I think we’ve been blindsided by “Gil Thorp”. The new GT “story”line has sneaked in a potentially classic barrel o’ laughs, and we’ve all missed it… Von “Mr. Smooth” Haney has his DJ game on! We all know the Buble’ loving chick with the mismatched mammorage is now hopelessly in love with the suave phantom voice on the radio. Von will string her along with some empty promises and sweet nothing dedications, eventually inviting her over to WDIG after hours. Then she’ll meet Mr. Smooth in person, and there’ll be some sweet lovin’ in the studio while the automator fills in for Von (hey, it’s late-night; who’ll know?). After all, didn’t Haney learn that trick from Marty Moon that time, when he walked in on Marty and his sweet dish o’ take-out? Marty is obviously grooming Von to join the WDIG Pimpmasters Club, and Von is a quick study!

  60. Rifleman
    July 8th, 2005 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    You guys are killing me today! Well, I’m off to “batten-down-the-hatches”. For fun this weekend:

    see ya!

  61. Dondi
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    “Play Misty for Me,” starring Von Haney and the Mismatched Mammorage (great turn-of-phrase, Mooncity)

  62. Lor
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    “Doling out warm meat like an Atkins Santa Claus at Christmas” – “mismatched mammorage” – you guys are hilarious. Happy Friday, everyone!

    I’m thinking “Meatman” doesn’t operate in a cash economy on that remote ranch of his. He trades favors and barters steaks. He probably gave his pilot friend half the steer.

  63. PizzaBagel
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Would like to see “Meatman” Foxworth at the WSOP: “I’ll see your shell of beef and raise you a rump roast!” [Slams meat onto table]

  64. loudfan
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:21 pm [Reply]

    Re: Luann: I’m curious how two high school freshmen could come up with $1,500 to print up their comic books, and then even more cash to rent a booth at the convention and make the costumes. I’d expect that kind of money from high-falutin’ private school kids, but I always figured the Luann crew was pretty middle-class.

  65. CT
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:33 pm [Reply]

    All I can say, is that Von Haney is SMOOTH.

  66. JohnnyC
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    Good old Wall Street wizard “Jack” Worth was making a clever play on words–wanting Mary to remember his “schwanze”– but as usual, his dimwit wife didn’t get it.

  67. illogickel
    July 8th, 2005 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    Hey, for all you Liberty Meadows fans, PvP appears to be doing a crossover, starting with Tuesday’s strip.

  68. Dennis Jimenez
    July 8th, 2005 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    Re: “Meatman” Foxworth – I stopped taking meat from strangers after that Jeffrey Dahmer thing….

  69. AbsoluteZero
    July 8th, 2005 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    loudfan – Given the obvious creative process behind “Paddy n’ Penrod”, they clearly got the money from dealing (and abusing) large quantities of narcotics.

    This also explains why the boys haven’t clued in to the obvious comic-con marketing truth that having the girls at their table *not* dressed as anthropomorphic stationary, would do way more for their sales than any foam rubber shenanigans. “My ball is skipping” indeed.

  70. Wren Wah
    July 8th, 2005 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    Illogickel, Thanks for the link. There’s always room for a little extra Brandy in my day.

  71. Skip Tracer
    July 8th, 2005 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Agreement, AbsoluteZero!

    The frizzy-haired girl was afraid she’d be ogled, but you’d need X-ray vision to tell what gender lurks under the foam.

    I used to go to trade conventions, lots of ‘booth bunnies’ (that being one of the kinder names used) were at each booth, handing out literature, quoting sections of their sales manual and smiling plastic smiles. I never knew if they were employees, or rent-a-models. Sure helped move the brochures, though.

  72. Adam-12
    July 8th, 2005 at 2:20 pm [Reply]

    Just had a mind-numbing conversation with a co-worker. He was flipping through the comics and casually remarked that he “hated ‘Doonesbury’ and wished that they would get rid of it.” He then stated that his favorite strip was “Marmaduke.” (He also said it didn’t matter if they kept or got rid of “Sally Forth.” Sorry Ces.)

    I managed to avoid going Ritzilla on him, but just barely.

  73. luluchappel
    July 8th, 2005 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    You exhibited remarkable restraint, Adam-12. Marmaduke is his favorite? Yikes. At least he didn’t pick Garfield. Then you would’ve had to do a Ritzilla number.

  74. Christina
    July 8th, 2005 at 3:05 pm [Reply]

    Notice, today Rita explicitly compares Mary’s marriage to her relationship with her daughter.

    Not only are we in burgeoning lesbian subtext action territory, we’re also in Flowers of the Attic here, people.

  75. Mooncity
    July 8th, 2005 at 3:12 pm [Reply]

    Dude…. I mean, DUDE!!! “Marmaduke” this person’s favorite comic? I mean, how can he SAY that?! Has this foolio never SEEN a “Gil Thorp”?!

    Not that GT is GOOD, mind you, but… the unintentional comedy… my God!

  76. fluffytufts
    July 8th, 2005 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Umm – What state does MW take place in? I mean, will there be wedding bells for Rita and Mary soon? It’d be great – they can release swans (or Canadian geese) at the blessed event instead of doves!

  77. Snapdragon
    July 8th, 2005 at 4:00 pm [Reply]

    Blondie Crossover:

    Imagine the possibilities in crossovers:

    - April from FBOFW babysits for the three kids of Baby Blues
    - Becky does a ‘roadside’ gig with Knute from Luann
    - Luann seduces the guy in Zits and has him break up with his girl
    - Irving from Cathy gets arrested in a very special Sally Forth for attempting to seduce what’s-her-name, the kid

  78. Islamorada Girl
    July 8th, 2005 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Hey, Pizzabagel!Swans? Bitter, bitter experience, buddy.And a lot of environmental writing.I must say they make good eating though, if you marinate them overnight in cheap red wine, water and salt, then put them on a meat smoker with apple wood.

    I am wondering if our old friend Fitty Cent Foxworth is starting to get a bit rank, toting all that meat around on his person.While he’s in town he should go on Letterman, ’cause he knows his cuts of meat!
    The Bad Guys are about to show up, so I’m hoping in the final showdown, he can bludgeon them to death with a London broil.

  79. Adam-12
    July 8th, 2005 at 4:06 pm [Reply]

    Mary’s too old for Rita. Rita and Dr. Jeff need to get together and leave that shrivelled old battle-axe to her own devices. I can see it now: as Rita and Jeff go riding off into the sunset, Mary stands on the front stoop with tears welling in her eyes. Slowly the ceramic swans slip from her grasp, shattering on the ground. In the final scene, Mary sits in a darkened living room, cradling the bottle of scotch given her by Rita. As she starts to unscrew the cap, we’re left with one final utterance from the queen of meddle:


  80. Islamorada Girl
    July 8th, 2005 at 4:08 pm [Reply]

    One last thought before I start battening down the hatches. Mary Worth has told Jeff she doesn’t want to get married again, but there’s been no indication they’re not making the beast with two backs.

  81. TwoClubs
    July 8th, 2005 at 4:27 pm [Reply]

    Isla–is that the recipe for Cygne-au-vin??

  82. Woodrowfan
    July 8th, 2005 at 4:36 pm [Reply]

    crossove ridea: Edda and Pibgorn!

  83. Lor
    July 8th, 2005 at 10:18 pm [Reply]

    I-Girl, I have to say, it sounds like you’ve had a very interesting life! Environmental writing … cooking swans … electric blue bustiers … and now, RUNNING FOR HIGHER GROUND (or at least battening down the hatches). Good luck with our buddy Dennis!

  84. Islamorada Girl
    July 9th, 2005 at 12:56 pm [Reply]

    Thanks, Ms. Lor! But I’m in MD for the summer, working on another mid-list book, so I’m fine. The family back in Islamorada reports Dennis scraped the lower Keys, but they’re fine, too.
    Hope everyone else in FL and on the Florabama Gulf is okay. Have one for me at the hurricane parties!

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