Archive: Mary Worth

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/20/18

I was struck by the first panel of today’s Snuffy Smith, as the strip generally doesn’t do much by way of experimenting with form but today gives us a different perspective of our diminutive title character, just barely visible from the judge’s bench. Perhaps it’s meant to be symbolic of today’s installment’s narrative: normally we see things from the viewpoint of Snuffy Smith, to the extent that we find his layabout criminal attitudes normal and even charming. But the mention of Farmer Clem reminds us that there are in fact honest citizens trying to extract sustenance from Hootin’ Holler’s meager soil, their lives made all the harder by Snuffy’s thievery. And then there are the chickens. My god, think of the horrors the chickens have to suffer! (I’m talking about being killed and eaten, of course. You thought I was talking about weird sex stuff, didn’t you? What, being killed and eaten isn’t bad enough?)

Hi and Lois, 4/20/18

This is an intensely weird setup to this joke, right? The definite vibe I’m getting here is that the “new friend” is going to follow the trail of detritus to Chip’s lair, where he will have to defeat him in combat and either win glory or be devoured.

Gil Thorp, 4/20/18

This seems like an adequate penance for Marty, but I see a big loophole: he’s going to take that ad time he’s forced to buy during the girls’ game and fill it with his own stream-of-consciousness take on what he got from reading the “Latin America: A Land Of Contrasts” ebook while drunk.

Mary Worth, 4/20/18

Oh, I guess Wilbur is only getting dumped from his local paper, so his livelihood won’t be destroyed; it’s just that his ex won’t be reminded of what she gave up every time she opens the Santa Royale News-Intelligencer to the op-ed pages, which, I assume, she probably doesn’t do very often, because print media, am I right? I know we did a whole storyline about how Iris is unusually old to be dating Zak, but come on, she’s not that old. Anyway, I certainly hope that, just as Santa Royale is a thinly veiled stand-in Santa Barbara, the Santa Royale Democrat and Telegraph is similarly modelled on the Santa Barbara News-Press, because that paper’s story is nuts. It’s probably the only small-city daily in America to merit not just a Wikipedia article but an entirely separate Wikipedia “controversy” article, and the idea of Wilbur stomping down there to whine about his columns while the staff is in the midst of labor agitation, ideological purges, and child porn investigations is delicious.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/20/18

“I thought I was going to be paired up with some young guys, some new blood,” Flash Freeman thinks mournfully to himself. “That Wayne and Garth shit is more than 25 years old at this point. This is going to be a disaster.”

Pluggers, 4/20/18

I think I’ve spotted your problem there, sir: your GPS is designed to navigate you from place to place via America’s road system and not, say, across an open field or wherever the hell it is you are.

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Mary Worth, 4/18/18

Ha ha ha oh my God they really are going to fire Wilbur, aren’t they? You know, I’ve heard some grumbling from some of you ingrates that Mary Worth has been spending too much energy on this Wilbur storyline, and all I can say is: how dare you. Do I want to see everything taken away from Wilbur, see him tormented by his sadistic creator, like a combovered Job for our modern age? I do. You’re damn right I do. Let me drink in his suffering! Ahhh, that’s it. That’s the stuff.

Pluggers, 4/18/18

I was going to make fun of this plugger here, but I then I remembered a couple weeks ago I was briefly convinced that I had a cancerous growth on my tongue but then after like 45 seconds or so I figured out it was just the shell of a popcorn kernel really glommed on, way in the back. I was going to at least feel smug that I didn’t need a medical professional to tell me this, but then I remembered a few months before that this spot on my gums had been bleeding and irritated and I figured my parents’ history of gum disease had finally caught up with me, but then I went to the dentist and he pulled out this huge sliver of popcorn kernel that had gotten wedged between my teeth for days, and then after that my gums were fine. I guess the lesson here is that I eat too much popcorn, but can you think of another cheap, delicious, and healthy snack I can make in just minutes in a countertop air popper? It’s worth all the drama!

Dennis the Menace, 4/18/18

“Ha ha, I’m kidding! Of course I am! It’s just … got any pills? Just a little something to take the edge off his ‘himself,’ if you follow me? Something I can put in his food? Something that would be poisonous if you put in a lot of it, but if you only put in a little it would just, like, slow him down a little bit? Remember, doc, you can’t spell ‘factitious disorder imposed on another, aka Munchausen syndrome by proxy’ without ‘freedom!’”


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Mark Trail, 4/17/18

Hey, remember Marlin’s assistant Jim, who was probably DB Cooper and/or the Zodiac Killer? Well, whichever one of those guys Jim isn’t is apparently laying low as a cabana boy at whichever beachside resort Chris “Dirty” Dyer has taken up residence in! You guys remember “Dirty,” don’t you? The rhino poacher who died but then wasn’t dead after all, and came to America seeking revenge? Last we saw him he was about to murder an erstwhile underworld pal/pharaonic cosplayer for the contents of his safe, and today’s strip might at first make you think that once he had all that loot he decided that hunting down and defeating his nemesis seems like a lot of work when he could just chill beachside for a few years instead. But no, he’s taking the opportunity to sharpen his knife-throwing skills, which I guess is what’s going to make his final confrontation with Mark sporting, like just shooting him with a gun would’ve been too easy or something.

Mary Worth, 4/17/18

Pretty amazing that Wilbur has a coffee cup that just says “DAD”, right? Like, a few weeks ago he couldn’t shut up about what a great parent he is but apparently he doesn’t believe in himself enough to drink out of a mug that says “#1 DAD” or “WORLD’S GREATEST DAD” on it. No, all that he’s willing to admit to whoever sees him at his breakfast table (i.e., nobody, for now, and probably forever) is that, yes, he does acknowledge having sired a child, and therefore is technically speaking a “dad.” Anyway, I certainly hope that phone call is from Wilbur’s editor, who’s finally gotten around to actually reading “Ask Wendy” and “Survivor Stories,” and is firing him post-haste because both are very, very bad, like just unreadably awful.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/18

With our medically themed plot finally wrapping up, Rex Morgan is moving on to a new exciting storyline: this old man is considering going to a wedding to which he was invited — but is he too busy??? Can’t wait to see all the twists and turns as this plays out!!!!!!!!