Metapost: ULTRA POST, we hardly knew ye
I bet you all thought that I wouldn’t read the 1000+ comments on the ULTRA POST, but read them I did. One is already the comment of the week, as you can see, but as is befitting a post that was truly ULTRA in its postosity, there were a number of contenders, so I thought I’d share them here for everyone who’s too daunted to slog through them all:
“Plus we got a couple of strong sweeps from Rex’s megawatt gaydar. That’s a blip to watch out for in the future.” –Sharkbait
“Bil Keane would be rolling over in his grave, if he was dead.” –sickboy
“‘Adventuresome’? Gee, Elly, does that shill come with a tube of K-Y jelly?” –Dennis Jimenez
(Incidentally, I had been looking at Dennis’ handle for months before the then-Future Mrs. C. pointed out to me that it’s a comics pun. If you’re dumb like me, say it out loud as if you were habla-ing the español.)
“That’s it. I want to murder FBOFW and piss on its grave.” –Sourbelly
“Argh. I looked at Marmaduke. Now I’ve lost about 40 IQ points.” –meep
“I’m getting frustrated at Lynn in Mark Trail. Plus, I’m frustrated at the fact that I am frustrated at anything that goes on in Mark Trail. It’s a vicious circle.” –Mike Donovan
“Personally, I’m so awash in anticipation that I can hardly keep my pants dry.” –Adam-12
“With the constant influx of wildlife in Mark Trail, I am disappointed at the quality of the so-called ‘beauties.’ I am profoundly disturbed by these trout for several reasons. 1) They are stiff. Fish, even dead fish, tend to be at least semi-floppy, right? Right. The way that these fish are dangling rigidly makes me think that they are not indeed real fish, but poorly-made plastic imitation trout that this hirsute gentleman picked up at the local Wal-Mart to inspire jealousy in Mark’s heart 2) They are grey, but not in a fishy, slimy way. They are grey in an ‘I have run out of colors’ way, further supporting the Plastic Wal-Mart Trout theory stated previously. Either that, or (given that they are the same shade of grey as the background) they are strange, ethereal trout from another dimension that can only partly manifest in our reality. Also, the gentleman and his lady friend in panel 2 are very creepily proportioned. They look not quite like midgets, not quite like RealDolls™. Perhaps they are poorly made plastic imitation people Mark Trail picked up at the local Wal-Mart to make it seem like he had friends.” –leathermessiah
On who would play major comics characters in the movies:
“Mary Worth — Martha Stewart. No contest. That perfect melange of asexuality and insincerity.” –Islamorada Girl
“There is no professional actress who could play Cathy, as none are annoying enough.” –Chet McCord, Wildlife Defender
I’m not really sure what this means, but it made me laugh:
“I have to thank you all for turning me on to the very excellent Gil Thorp. Priceless douche chills!” –hacky
And in one point Dingo referred in passing to our favorite young-women-in-the-big-city soap opera strip as The Goyim in Apartment 3-G and I nearly peed myself.
Speaking of those wacky gentile girls, a lot of people seem to want guidance on just what’s going on in today’s installment. I’m afraid that I’d be a lot more help if anyone had entered the Summarize the Soaps contest. Which no one did! C’mon people, you can do it. I want summaries. E-mail me summaries! Check out last year’s winners for guidance.
And finally, a moment that I had long been awaiting arrived this evening. A member of the Curmudgeon household was recognized by a reader in public — and it wasn’t even me! Faithful reader Kaycee recognized Mrs. C, since I constantly plaster her picture all over the site. I wasn’t there, but I was assured that it was a very exciting moment. So a shout out to you, Kaycee! Though hopefully these encounters won’t become so frequent that we have to start putting on sunglasses and baseball caps whenever we leave the house.
Me
September 26th, 2005 at 9:53 pm
First! :)
loudfan
September 26th, 2005 at 10:55 pm
Two weeks’ worth of Mary Worth? How about, “Rita’s cousin Vic comes to town and offers her a job.” That’s about all that’s happened. Zzzzz. It’s time for a new plotline, Ms. Moy!
leathermessiah
September 26th, 2005 at 11:26 pm
Aw! I been quoted. I feel special.
Monkey
September 27th, 2005 at 1:27 am
I know that Gasoline Alley is not your typical definition of belly-clenching comic relief, and I know I haven’t paid attention to this strip for.. well.. never.. but is Granny about to die? She’s hanging on to a pipe while a gun is in her face! When did Gasoline Alley turn into Carlito’s Way?
meep
September 27th, 2005 at 3:47 am
And now I’m trying to remember which Marmaduke I said that about…and realizing I’m endangering my IQ further. So I will leave it be.
Lee
September 27th, 2005 at 6:47 am
Anybody else notice that the Washington Post refused to run today’s B.C. for content issues? Trust me, you’re not missing much – without giving too much away, Hart has sunk to a new low.
Why people continue to publish such crap is beyond me…
Liz
September 27th, 2005 at 8:12 am
I beg to differ on the Cathy comment, Gwyneth Paltrow is certainly whiny and annoying enough to play Cathy. She’s a little young though, but they could use makeup.
Liz
Sheila
September 27th, 2005 at 8:20 am
Anyone notice the weirdly huge head on Grandma in FC this morning? Eek.
comics
September 27th, 2005 at 9:20 am
This is a test — feel free to ignore me.
jf
Nom du Jour
September 27th, 2005 at 9:38 am
“This is a test — feel free to ignore me.”
Did somebody just say something, or is it just me?
What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
BigJoe
September 27th, 2005 at 9:43 am
“This is a test — feel free to ignore me.â€
Early nominee for COTW!
Irina
September 27th, 2005 at 9:44 am
Oh. For a moment Phu-Q had returned …
Irina
September 27th, 2005 at 10:07 am
er. For a moment [I thought] Phu-Q had returned …
rich
September 27th, 2005 at 10:57 am
#7: Kate Hudson is annoying enough to play Cathy. Nicole Kidman is annoying enough to play Cathy.
rich
September 27th, 2005 at 11:04 am
loudfan #2, good summary.
As much as I like to poke fun at Joe Giella’s artwork, it cannot be easy for this poor man, day after day, to have to find new ways to depict Rita looking slightly haggard, slightly hopeful, and – just – TALKING.
Mrs. BipolarBear
September 27th, 2005 at 11:15 am
I’ve held on long enough. I. Feel. Need. To. Rant.
What IS it with Lynn’s need to dip into scatalogical “humor”? Bear poop, horse farts, steaming road-kill, decomposing under-the-porch carcasses. Is this what I have to look forward to in middle age? Hot flashes, nights in jail, pimping my daughter to an officer of the law WHILE in jail, thinking about expended organic matter?
Yes, I did notice Grandma Keane’s encephalitic head. She looks like a giant Q-tip, or toilet brush. And what’s with those shoes—has she made a trip to Holland recently?
Mark Trail: What is with all of the anachronistic props and fashions? That radio looks like a space heater, and the men look like John Q. Public. I feel like I’m looking at a Brylcreem ad. Lynn’s head looks a little encephalitic, too. Maybe she needs to switch to VO5.
There, I feel better. That is all.
jm9113
September 27th, 2005 at 11:39 am
OK – I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to join the fun! Kathy Griffin is THE perfect annoying person for the part of comic strip star Cathy! Kathy/Cathy – see it all works!
rich
September 27th, 2005 at 11:42 am
An FBOW summary? Oh, the pain… Well, here goes.
First, April made a string of groaner retorts to Becky, broke up 4-Evah 4 about an hour, then Gramps gave her a lame pep talk and all was better. Ellie left Liz in Mtigwakjob and promptly drove off the road. Lynn Johnston teased us with a scary looking motel. She teased us with phony-looking cops. She teased us with hints of a Howard Erk reappearance. NOTHING came of this. The whole episode turned out to be an awkward way of squeezing another suitor into Liz’s life. Ellie pimped her kid to this way-too-eager young mountie. Ellie passed roadkill, finally returned home – but then – BACK TO MTIWIKWAK ! – for flashbacks of all the great anecdotes Lynn forgot to share the first time around! Because, of course, “Quality time…is priceless.”
We read the FBOW archives so you don’t have to.
hacky
September 27th, 2005 at 12:12 pm
Not only was I quoted but I made Josh laugh! My day is made. “Douche chills” is when something is so corny or embarassing that is gives you chills. Say it with me now…
johnwhorfin
September 27th, 2005 at 1:58 pm
In regards to an actress that could play Cathy, how about Rene Zellweger. Bulk her up ala Bridget Jones and let her piss and moan…er, I meant emote for us through what would undoubtedly be an insufferably painful cinematic rendition of a horrible comic strip.
Pha-Q
September 27th, 2005 at 2:21 pm
Hey Irina- Get the name right. It’s Pha-Q and I never left. I even apologized for being a twit. You must have missed it so I’ll apologize directly to you. I’m sorry.
Is it 4:20 yet?
Adam-12
September 27th, 2005 at 2:32 pm
RE # 6: Lee, are you referring to the stupid and tasteless ‘euthanasia’ joke? If so, then the Washington Post must have pulled it after the early editions went out. The [Maryland Edition] Post is sold here in Pittsburgh and that B.C. ran.
Would you believe I can buy it right in front of my house?
Would you believe at the end of the block?
How about a half-hour bus ride downtown?
[RIP Agent 86]
Pha-Q
September 27th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
“Missed it by that much.”
I second the RIP for Tennessee Tuxedo, Inspector Gadget and Maxwell Smart. Better known as Don Adams. And now a moment(or Cone)of Silence….
BigJoe
September 27th, 2005 at 2:59 pm
Don Adams is dead? I asked you not to tell me that.
yellojkt
September 27th, 2005 at 3:14 pm
Sorry about that, chief.
Sourbelly
September 27th, 2005 at 3:19 pm
Quoted by Josh! Yes!
I nominate Kathy Bates to play Cathy. She’s rotund, psychotic, and not funny in any sense of the word. If she can learn how to projectile sweat, she’s got the part.
Carlye
September 27th, 2005 at 3:30 pm
I agree, Kathy Bates would be better than Gwyneth Paltrow. Although GP is annoying, she’s too thin for Cathy, just as she was for “Emma”.
gnome de blog
September 27th, 2005 at 3:45 pm
Kathy Bates is far too good an actess to be wasted playing Cathy. It should be somebody whose limited skills approximate that of the strip itself. How about Rosanne Barr?
Irina
September 27th, 2005 at 3:46 pm
Ah! Caught being snarky and not checking my spelling.
Apologies right back to you Pha …
I know you apologized. I was merely being an ass. :/
Thanks just the same, and welcome as a regular denizen amongst the Cardinals :)
Pha-Q
September 27th, 2005 at 3:56 pm
Thank you Irina. A good place to be it is…
Monkeys Uncle
September 27th, 2005 at 4:21 pm
Actors who could play Cathy: Fran Dresher, she has the annoying part down, but she might need to chunk up a bit. Margaret Cho, she has the annoying obsession with her weight and diets, but is she really an actress? I like her better as a comedian. Kathy Kinney, a good actress, and she can be super annoying but I would hate to see her get type cast as Cathy. (Forever being known as Mimi is probably bad enough) Finally let me add Orlando Bloom, currently Hollywood’s most prominent lesbian, has the acting chops but might be a little too tall to pull it off.
Islamorada Girl
September 27th, 2005 at 5:20 pm
Whoo! Hoo! I got the attention I so desperately crave!
kaycee
September 27th, 2005 at 5:38 pm
Homage Haiku
I met Mrs. C
Then got a Comic shout out
Woo hoo! I’m famous!
hee hee!
dimestore lipstick
September 27th, 2005 at 5:44 pm
jm9113:
“Kathy Griffin is THE perfect annoying person for the part of comic strip star Cathy! Kathy/Cathy – see it all works”
I thought of Kathy Griffin, too. Mainly because her picture is next to the word annoying in the dictionary.
But then I decided to give her a pass, solely because of her stellar work voicing Alice on the Dilbert animated series.
Of course, I’d have to hear her “ACK!” audition before ruling her out completely…
gnome de blog
September 27th, 2005 at 5:58 pm
#31: If they can make Tom Cruise tall I’ll bet they can make Orlando Bloom short. He might be too pretty, though.
weiser
September 27th, 2005 at 8:06 pm
If it’s annoying you’re looking for it’s got to be Patricia Heaton to play Cathy. Now that Raymond’s off the air (halleluiah) she’s got the time.
Braniff
September 27th, 2005 at 8:59 pm
Any thoughts on who might play in a movie version of The Family Circus? No this would not be a version which would pay homage to the family of melonheads–we’d cast this version in its unique dysfunctional way . . .
What are your thoughts as to who’d be Mommy, Daddy, Billy, Jeffy, Dolly, PJ, Barfy, Sam, Kittycat, Grandma and the ghost of Grandpa?
Mibbitmaker
September 27th, 2005 at 9:52 pm
What’s a guy gotta do to get quoted around here? You’d think *ahem* being in the top ten *ahem*needy*ahem* would have its privileges or something.
How pathetic is it to suddenly start sympathizing with Pha-Q (back when he was being a “twit”, that is)?
Mibbitmaker
September 27th, 2005 at 9:59 pm
#37: If we DID want to go the “melonheads” route, there are lotsa famous Ralph Bigheads for the parts. Just starting with Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno, Ted Kennedy (hey, all politicians are actors to some degree)… (speaking as one who has his own…uh… head full of… brains…… here…..uh…..)
Even Donald Trump counts, metaphorically.
Pha-Q
September 28th, 2005 at 8:30 am
RE:# 38…Pathetic?
joeyjoejoe
September 28th, 2005 at 11:53 am
Yay! Comment of the week. Thanks, Josh.
rich
September 28th, 2005 at 12:11 pm
The Family Circus movie was already cast – “Freaks” (1932). Personally, I don’t need to see a remake.
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