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Haha, when the city water department guys standing in a hole on your street tell that your water will be back “in a while” but it “won’t be days,” that … that’s a good thing, right? Anyway, just be glad that you can’t smell me as I select your comment of the week! (I promise I will be clean before performing in the Fluid Movement Glitteracy variety show Saturday, which you should totally go to if you’re in Baltimore. Two shows, so you have no excuse not to come!)

“I put the memory card from Rusty’s camera into my laptop! That’s totally a thing I know all about. Technology is … probably not a gateway to the devil’s asshole. Oh look, fishing pictures. Goddammit Rusty you made me break Amish code for this.” –Tophat

And the very funny runners up!

“Mary, you just spent weeks practicing solely to lift a heavyweight cake over what appeared to me several miles to a display table. Yeah, you just play the weak old woman card and get Carlos.” –Bluerosebud

“‘All-bran’ is the closest Herb & Jamaal has ever come to referencing a brand name. The joke still failed tragically, of course.” –Doctor Handsome

“I think if you take his sentence at grammatical face-value, Jamal is saying that he prefers defecating on women than ejaculating in them.” –pugfuggly

“If past close-ups are any indication, Rusty’s horrifying selfies must violate some kind of TOS agreement.” –Dan

“It’s going to be highly embarrassing for Rod Bassy when he has to admit to Mark that the wet seat cushion is actually proof of his incontinence.” –Rocky Stoneaxe

“…And there’s water everywhere! Ugh! That’s got to leave a musty mildew throughout the van. I’d feel bad for anyone tied up and being held against their will in such a place!” –Chareth Cutestory

“I like that Mario Gaddafi thought to bring a visual aid for his punctual daily Dick-baiting video. This guy’s really got his goofball-villain shit squared away.” –Doctor Handsome

“Pat the pig, marry the donkey.” –Dood

“I like really how Elinor is putting on her lavender smock with the grim intensity of a costumed vigilante suiting up for a final showdown. That her entire outfit is lavender reinforces this impression. Bruce Wayne’s motif was inspired by a bat crashing through a window, Peter Parker by the spider that gave him powers, and Elinor Kinley by the Jenny Joseph poem ‘Warning.'” –Herr Kommissar Denny

“What the heck happened to the timeline to allow him to finish a law degree in the, what, three weeks since the French shoe design story? Sure it will all be worthwhile if it marks a transition to the heart-pounding courtroom action that is the hallmark and narrative heart of Judge Parker — there is nothing more exciting than negotiating a Lloyds insurance settlement months after a Liberian-flagged container ship damages an intermodal crane in Galveston — but I remain confused.” –Master Softheart

“It makes people obald your every command! I mean, obey your every baldman.” –Chyron HR

“We are not certain why anyone would worry about Miss Spencer’s finances. It’s quite clear that she is merely dabbling in mid-scale Paris fashion — something that ought to be expected from a 21-year-old ‘art’ student with a $4 million flat in the Sixteenth and a trust fund. We are intrigued that the stripes on her sweater tilt precisely to the degree that said garment falls off her left shoulder, right down to the horizontal bottom stripe, producing a mild trompe l’oeil spiral that makes one wonder if the wearer is similarly out of plumb. Sheer genius!” –Fashion Police

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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