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And you can read ’em! Here’s #1:

“Momma doesn’t seem to mind fun-loving Francis bringing a gun into the house. Maybe that’s because it’s Thomas, the high-strung, responsible son, whom everyone expects to snap one day.” –BigTed

And here are the runners up!

“It’s so tempting to lean his head back, mouth open, and simply let the rain drown him. Anything — anything! — would be better than going home to the black abyss that is his marriage. But courage these days comes in the form of alcohol, which would involve him having to leave the tender embrace of the cold rain. The major, meanwhile, doesn’t know whether to pity the old man or himself because he looks at the general and sees his future. If he stands there much longer, he’s going to grab the fossil and shove his head in that puddle, if only to end the both their nightmares. Lighthearted fare for a Saturday.” –Diana Lynn Paladin on Facebook

“Yeah, I’m wearing this uniform to impersonate — I mean honor our nation’s veterans. Not to pick up gullible women and possibly wind up with a venereal disease like a soldier from the time period this uniform is from. Nothing odd about this whole situation at all.” –rbmalpha

“No, Heathcliff is NOT fucking Hello Kitty. He’s fucking a Hello Kitty plush doll! Which is way more disturbing.” –Missal

“‘Is it something very personal of which you’re ashamed?’ ‘Yeah, dressing up as General Black Jack Pershing two days before Veterans Day. Oh, and also, masturbating into your carton of Coffee Rich while I was in that uniform.'” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Seeing Beetle Bailey’s big smug smile as Sarge mutters about his ‘sloppy service’ is the filthiest gay porn that’s ever been in comics.” –lorne

“This week’s guest artist in Mary Worth: M.C. Escher. Tune in tomorrow to see Wilbur eat a sandwich from both sides at the same time.” –Pozzo

“My nosal passages are all clogged up. It keeps the…oxyclean from getting to…my brain….muh…gggggg…zzzzzzzzzz” –pugfuggly

“Gotta love the hairy wrists on our chainsaw-wielding pal. As Sam proves in panel one, truly civilized men have perfectly smooth forearms, thank you very much.” –Joe Blevins

“Never mind the park job, I’m more freaked out by Mary’s bold-italic HELP EACH OTHER comment as she pantomimes cupping Sean’s balls.” –Voyage of the Oversnark

“The savage beating she gave him wasn’t enough to break Jeffy’s will, but the perfume torture would surely make him talk. They always talk.” –Bradley

“Haha, Mary’s driven Hanna once, and she’s already decided it’s time to marry her off. A new husband will drive Hanna, and Mary will have satisfied the two major goals of any meddle: a heteronormative marriage, and no changes to Mary’s lifestyle ever.” –Enlong

“Today’s Hi and Lois is a profound statement on American drinking culture and how it encourages college kids to pursue drinking as an end in itself with empty promises of happiness, instead of teaching children to pursue happiness first, find fulfillment in their friends and activities and how adding alcohol can be a simple optional addition to that healthier and ultimately more satisfying lifestyle. I think it’s — what’s that? They have a chronic alcoholic character named Thirsty that they bring out for ‘laughs’ and bad ‘isn’t the drunk funny’ jokes?” –Comrade Dread

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