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“I dig the classic ‘don’t try this at home, kids‘ vibe in panel two. All the while knowing that comic book nerds everywhere are sticking plutonium up their butts, hoping for some super power other than rectal cancer.” –Dennis Jimenez

Your runners up are … also hilarious!

“Another fun fact is that sea turtle used to be considered something of a delicacy in the Caribbean before protection laws stopped the hunt of these majestic animals. Of course … these ones are already dead, aren’t they…? [begins honing cleaver]” –pugfuggly

“I thought Josh would point out Dennis’s prayer as the menacing point in today’s strip. Isn’t saying ‘…and that’s it’ to the big guy akin to praying something like ‘…and we better have world peace by 5:22 tomorrow or you’ve had it’? Threatening the Lord is about as menacing as you can get, IMHO.” –Charles Nelson, Really!

“It’s no coincidence that Mark refers to sea turtles as ‘ancient mariners.’ Clearly, the real reason they’ve become endangered is that one of them ate an albatross — a fact that Mark is helping hide from the public consciousness due to his longstanding symbolism debate with the CliffsNotes corporation.” –BigTed

“Our scientists said there might be enough oxygen for us to live on the moon for another year or two if we gave up smoking cigars. But then, what would we be living for?” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Mary, together we’ll make a great team!’ Ted shouted. As he moved to embrace Mary, though, doubt flashed through her mind. ‘Team?’ she wondered, ‘Is that what he intends? But that would mean acknowledging him as something like an equal! Doesn’t he realize that I alone am the greatest being on the face of the Earth? That I am a jealous biddy and do not share power or glory?’ ‘Goodbye, Ted!’ she said aloud, calmly and forcefully. She felt some small sadness at having to abandon this plan to spread her meddling, but there would be other opportunities. Mary was confident she had made the right decision.” –JJ48

“I dunno, but it appears to me that this plugger has finally realized just how much time you can save in total if you start out the day, you know, dead.” –seismic-2

“After getting bored mid-sentence writing the hundredth variation of the ‘Going out tonight? Here’s the shocking reason your drink might kill you’ clickbait that keeps local news barely solvent, the Perfesser starts googling ‘regrettable tattoos‘ in a desperate bid to persuade himself that there are people out there who’ve made worse life choices than him. This is the most accurate depiction of journalism I’ve ever seen.” –Schroduck

“It would the best if we got two more days of uncomfortable creepin’ with the payoff Friday when Mary hits him with a quick gut punch and flips him through the coffee table. ‘How do you like the taste of them muffins!’ she cries before kicking her prone foe in the face with her sensible shoes.” –Aphthakid

“A recent study shows that 3-5 alcoholic drinks per day by birds may result in tender, pre-marinated flesh that is just perfect for roasting.” –Voshkod

“Snuffy Smiff keeps trying to replace the Daily Jumble, but for hillbillies.” –Hogenmogen

“Snuffy’s idea of romance: demanding (as usual) that your wife do manual labor for you so that you can be as lazy as possible, but with a pun involved.” –Enlong

“Ah, Pepper’s. Prime competitor for Lemonwasp’s and OMG Tuesday’s!” –Pak-Man

“I thought ‘Ghost‘ was some sort of cut-rate Phantom of the Opera, what with the mask and the tuxedo and such. So I was reading his last line in the sense of ‘I’ve built a set of secret passages around a giant lake/luxury home/torture chamber in the basement, and I’m going to keep running this restaurant from the shadows. Do you think you could sing lead soprano in Hannibal?’” –Rita Lake

“I must confess that I saw the restaurant’s name as ‘Preppers,’ which normally would indicate that I’m spending too much time in the dark corners of the Web. However, it would make perfect sense in light of the Ghost’s refusal to sell. Everyone knows a Prepper would never trade his bolthole for government scrip!” –But What Do I Know?

“I’m more worried about the extreme nonspecificity of ‘a catering event.’ Either it’s something so criminal that Blondie can’t talk about it, like the hitman in the cake in Some Like It Hot, or it’s a euphemism for something too terrible to talk about, like the International Nuclear Event scale. Either way, a lot of people died for those mini-cakes.” –matt w

“Um, it’s simple, MJ. Webs can cover Hulks … but, um, Lizards eat Spiders … while Hulks smash … ah, forget it … isn’t Judge Judy on yet. Hey, Bruce, you wanna watch someone you’ll like when she’s angry?” –Where’s Rocky

“Bruce and I barely understand what radiation did to our blood. Same goes for the Lizard. That’s why we’ve spent the last day and a half swapping it around our bodies like a game of transfusion musical chairs with no forethought or follow-up. It’s called science.’ –Dan

“‘Look, you’re a beautiful young lady, but you don’t know anything about radio — or the world. Let me give you lessons in both,’ said Marty Moon, just before they castrated him.” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

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