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Hello everyone! This is the time of month where I’d normally be like “come see my live comedy show next week!!!!” but I’m taking July off, to celebrate America. We will be back reading the internet aloud in August!

But you can still get some solid laffs on the internet itself, right here with this comment of the week:

“So you told your wife that we’re all being poisoned, and she insisted you see a doctor? I think she was using hyperbole. Has she ever said something like, ‘If you love Game of Thrones so much, why don’t you marry it?’ And then when you tried to marry Game of Thrones, your church refused to perform the ceremony? This is like that.” –A Concerned Reader

Plus these very funny runners up are here for your amusement!

“When you live next to a child who has been six-year old for more than sixty years, you would also be surprised that people born in the late 1980s are now adults.” –Ettore

“I’m not sure I agree 100% with your policework there, Slylock. I think it’s much more likely that Weirdly lied about how long that shark had been caged without food rather than built an incredibly convincing fake mechanical shark.” –Joe Blevins

“You can see under the doors that there are no toilets. My best guess is that this takes place in a department store fitting room. Anyway, Superman shouldn’t discourage Batman, the resulting guano could be very lucrative.” –nescio

“People in long-term relationships can find their time together becomes stagnant. Speaking of which, let’s gossip about a totally different couple’s lives for another eight hours.” –BigTed

“The real question is how Batman takes a dump without soiling his cape. My guess is a triple axel with a backward crossover in the opposite direction of the original rotation. Of course, when he takes a dump in Australia, this all has to be reversed.” –LXIX

“I love how the door handle is set at Snuffy’s level. Sure, this forces Loweezy to bend over, but a permanent stoop makes it that much easier for her to scrub the floors, feed the chickens, weed the garden, etc., while Snuffy naps.” –Pozzo

“Dying is easy; comedy is hard — as Funky Winkerbean proves day after day after day.” –TheDiva

“Those are some sad chickens. Maybe they understand that the sack was supposed to have food but didn’t, or being in comics, maybe they are supposed to smart enough to anticipate what happens to chickens they can’t afford to keep. But really, chickens don’t understand much of anything, so most likely they just have traumatic memories of the sack — that dark and torturous maw Snuffy throws them into whenever they manage to get out, which probably happens a lot since it’s the only way they can find sustenance. It really adds a lot of color to this light joke about how ‘chicken feed’ can be literal or figurative.” –pachoo

“‘Here’s a scene we should be watching!‘ says the dialogue box, convincing no-one, not even itself.” –pugfuggly

“Any experienced golf coach would know that you don’t bend down to place a ball on the driving range tee while a 7 year-old is standing next to it with a club in her/his hand ready to strike, and especially that you don’t turn around in said position and look away from the child even if Mr. Clean appears out of nowhere. But this is Gil, of course. He has let his guard down after realizing that the young girl is a natural and he will not be placed in the unfamiliar and terrifying position of needing to teach his charge athletic skills.” –But What Do I Know?

“Wasn’t Hadley v. Baxendale the Supreme Court case that upheld a lower court ruling that Gil Thorp was protected by the Constitution’s Unbelievable Stupidity and Archaic References Clause? Or was that Clambake v. Board of Athletics?” –Mikey

“Doctor Fedora ‘Banana Bread’ Flyface Junior is running his operation from a secret undersea empire, which is why Sally needs her scuba goggles to deliver the package. She’s also wearing swim fins. Luckily, comic strips are a silent medium so we can’t hear the telltale slapping as she walks in.” –Ukulele Ike

“Sure, that shaven-headed prisoner seems scary. But when you look more closely and see he’s frantically squeezing a stress ball, you realize he’s just another person overwhelmed by the situation and needs a hug.” –Where’s Rocky

“The only way to have this ‘millennial dating’ scenario make sense is to assume that it actually takes place in some kinky sex club, and ‘fix my computer‘ is a code expression for some S/M act that is so unspeakable that it has no actual name. Then the screwdriver makes perfect sense, as well as why this couple has apparently invited Dustin to watch it.” –seismic-2

“‘Ain’t no kind of armed person empowered to commit state-sanctioned acts of violence in HERE, Judge!’ –man about to get shot.” –Chyron HR

“I’m an expert on Fitch. Ezra Fitch, the co-founder of Ambercrombie and Fitch. Did you know he was a lawyer and some say he brought the game of Mahjong into the United States? He died, and this is interesting, on a brand-new yacht named Content. He met David Ambercrombie when he shopped at Ambercrombie’s store! So, do you want to go back to my place and hear more about Ezra Fitch?” –Voshkod

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