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Hi everyone! The Internet Read Aloud live show is on hiatus for February, but I will badger you to come again in March. So you can spend this entire post luxuriating in the comment of the week!

“One the one hand, the comics desperately need new blood. On the other hand, I don’t immediately know every character in Daddy Daze‘s foibles. Does the baby poop like Marvin? Does the dad have a crappy office job with a controlling and incompetent general/owner? I need to have somehow learned all this by osmosis decades ago because I do not read the comics page to LEARN things.” –toxic

You can also enjoy the runners up!

“So the Keane ancestors are demigods? Be very afraid.” –Tonio

“Later, all the snow falling dissipates the cloud, and Dolly and Jeffy are crushed by the heavy weather control machine.” –nescio

“‘On second thought, we don’t want a wake-up call.’ ‘I am going to give you one anyway: your horrible marriage is not an imposition, you are both comfortable in it because you enjoy the masochism tango and you fear that the real obstacle to your happiness is not your partner, but your horrible personality.’” –Ettorre

“Ok, let me understand this correctly: A hot young rich guy who totally worships you, regardless of your advanced age and deteriorating body, and insists on telling you so. Who suggests a doctor visit because he’s so concerned? Who accompanies you to said doctor’s appointment? Who cheerfully picks up your pharmacy order after dropping you off for your nap? Who happily functions as your personal meals-on-wheels service and shares/enjoys your medically-proscribed limited diet with you? This is not just a continuity strip, people. This has fully crossed the line into nursing home pornography.” –Hopester

“Speaking a someone with Celiac disease, there is no medical condition on earth, whether it be hypothyroidism, a concussion, or a psychotic break with reality, that would induce a person to say that any type of gluten-free sandwich is ‘really good.’” –Marcus Theory

“The women will be especially mad when they see that ‘BINGO TONITE‘ sign and find that it points to a tiny fortress with no way for them to get inside unless they want to climb through that window one at a time. Seriously, this building is such an architectural impossibility, the fact that Crock and Captain Poulet somehow managed to get to the roof constitutes a ‘moral victory’ in and of itself.” –Joe Blevins

“But how does robbing payrolls emulate a freedom fighter battling a totalitarian regime inspired by the backmasking panic of the early 1980’s?’ ‘…Look, can we just skip to the part where you become my futuristic robo-bride?’” –TheDiva

“Ugghh. Is he gonna force her watch that video? If he combines it with Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart,’ she may not make it. I know I didn’t.” –Mikey

“Isn’t determining if you want to speak to someone before you answer the phone just hilarious? Sorry, I meant ‘screening calls’. Isn’t determining if you want to speak to someone before you answer the phone just screening calls?” –JJ48

“Iris lost about 40 pounds overnight. I’m thinking it’s less love and more cocaine and enemas that agree with her.” –Where’s Rocky?

“I just realized that Mary must be about to unveil her new gluten-free muffin recipe. No one escapes that easily, Iris!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘To make you stronger‘ says Odin, not wanting to admit his son was right, the lightning and thunder take a lot of practice to control and no he should not be borrowing them.” –pachoo

“I’m really hoping that Leroy hasn’t been fired, he’s just been demoted to scaring pigeons away on the roof. Just imagine it; 8 hours a day, outside, in all weather conditions, shooting pigeons away, getting covered in bird shit, still wearing a full suit and tie because there’s no goddamn way he’s telling Loretta this just so she can have something else to mock him with. The daily dry cleaning is costing more than his paycheck, but fuck her, she’s never gonna have this to hold over him.” –Rosstifer

“A third eye? No son of mine will grow a third eye. We’re Innsmouth folks, born and inbred, and you’ll grow scales and gills like your grandfather and your great-grandfather, and you’ll swim down to Devil’s Reef some moonless night to mate with a flounder. Third eye … what do you think your mother was, a shoggoth?” –Voshkod

“Today Leroy Lockhorn ascends to face God. He is unfazed.” –Lee Sherman

“‘Global warming is of course a laugh riot, but do you know what else is comic gold? An outbreak of a new virus. Absolutely no way this joke will come across badly when it appears in papers a month from now!’ –the writer of Arctic Circle, some time in December probably” –Schroduck

“That recycled DTM joke has been in the archives for decades waiting on a Tonight Show host with the proper length name to fill the space where ‘Johnny Carson’ appeared forty years ago when this first ran in print. They just couldn’t make ‘Jay Leno’ fit the blanks and ‘Conan O’Brien’ came and went without the art team noticing.” –KrisTM

“The real menace in today’s panel is hiding in plain sight: ungrounded electrical outlets. Mr. Wilson should sleep easier next door, content with the knowledge that his young nemesis is simply one power surge away from a fried videogame system or (god of schadenfreude willing) burning to death in a house fire.” –Mighty Sean Young

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