Metapost: [COTW title goes here]
Post Content
[Joke or quip setting up COTW and establishing that the reader has been waiting for it all week goes here]
“Mrs Wilson’s smiling face makes the gag work. ‘Enjoy hell, George.’” –Hibbleton
[Comment establishing that the runners up are also very funny goes here]
“That hot dog is clearly too big to be anything but an actual dog. I’m guessing dachshund, primarily for the ‘weenie dog’ jokes, although based on the size and shape, Scottish terrier is also a possibility.” –Veronica!
“It’s morally wrong, if not always technically illegal, to taunt someone on a hunger strike with delicious food. On the other hand, if anyone knows about the ins and outs of force-feeding, it’s a duck. ‘Looks like this time you’re the pâté, eh, human?!’ says Officer McQuacky as he ominously pushes the giant tube of grains and fat toward Weirdly’s mouth.” –BigTed
“Sorry, we’re supposed to believe a lot of things about Wilbur, but the first panel just breaks my suspension of disbelief. There is no way Wilbur owns that many books, let alone has read that many in his lifetime.” –Philip
“Dagwood must be on fire! He’s paying the bills for every family on our block! He’s really in the zone right now!” –Just John
“Lady Luck has seen the striped horrors on Dagwood’s feet and decided that, yes, daddy does need a new pair of shoes.” –Guts Dozier
“Lmao that Lois went to the library in her realtor blazer and everything to trawl for leads. ‘ABC. Always Be [hanging out in the middle of the workday around the library’s] Computer.’” –Schroduck
“Green-shirt companion is clearly talking — mouth open eyebrows raised — yet has no word balloon. There must have been a line cut for space. Perhaps, ‘Who even are you? Have you been stalking us online?’” –Stuart F
“What really sells this as menacing is the way that Dennis clambers up the back of the chair like a spider monkey to deliver that line right into Mr Wilson’s ear. Do you think he’s whispering it in a sing-song voice? I’ll bet he is.” –pugfuggly
“Okay Wizard of Id, I know you beat Hagar the Horrible to the whole faux-medieval shtick by a decade, but they have the whole battlefield joke beat on lockdown. Your thing is jokes about kings and other powerful figures, and the prisoners they keep locked up, secure in their castles on the core European continent, while they handle the ragtag armies of Scandinavian barbarians come to take your characters’ wealth. Know your strengths and stick to your turf. I helped fend off those 20th century insurgents, the least you could do is return the favor for me.” –Morgan Wick
“Let’s see: mouth mirror, dentist chair, smock (actually a lab coat, close enough), and gaping yaw. You’ve hit all the iconography; I really don’t see the need to have the word ‘dentist’ spelled backward on the window.” –Weaselboy
“The existence of a yellow coat and a green coat imply an equally-sized blue coat, now missing. Get a warrant while you’re out, Lee: someone’s broken the law — the Law of Color.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
“The Blondie writers seem like the kind of folks who would pull out some 2012 meme like Overly Attached Girlfriend and smile smugly about how they’re with it. As opposed to me, pulling out Overly Attached Girlfriend and smiling smugly about how I’m ironically dated. They annoy me!” –matt w
“So is Dagwood’s carpool just waiting outside his house thinking he’s going to come running out late as usual and he’s plum forgotten, or have they had enough of his BS and now he has to take the school bus to work?” –Tabby Lavalamp
“Mary Worth reworked as a moody A24-style horror, where the murderous house guest is a metaphor for Wilbur’s (waves hand dismissively in Wilbur’s direction) whole deal, and they can’t get rid of her but also nobody ever quite dies, everyone just lives in terror of the next awful event.” –Dan
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51 replies to “Metapost: [COTW title goes here]”
I get the feeling Josh is just mailing it in today.
Anyway, thanks, Scratchy and Baja!
[General congratulations, specific mention of COTW author]
[Congratulatory message], Hibbleton!
[Reference to Mary Worth playing God with Charterstone residents]
[Reference to the dark underside of the saccharine nature of Family Circus]
[Reference to DtM “innocently” repeating his parents’ unflattering gossip about other adults]
[Reference to B.C. and Crock not bothering with historical verisimilitude]
[Reference to Shoe not bothering with ornithological verisimilitude]
[Reference to 9CL’s cartoonist having the sexual maturity of a zygote]
“So what, NOW?” “We get RID of her as SOON as POSSIBLE! Break the glass! This is a job for Salmon Squares! Luckily, you and I have worked up a resistance to them!”
[Extremely squicky take on every comment featured here]
Way to go, Big Hib, and all the others:
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
MKay
May 24th, 2025 at 4:45 am Reply
MW: All this fiendishness, and the prize is WILBUR? Easiest insanity defense EVER.
Needless Exposition
May 24th, 2025 at 4:35 am Reply
MW: This poor fish has had to deal with being first the unfavorite to Stellan and then the horrors of seeing Wilbur’s open bathrobe and living in filth. And now she’s got a psychotic Karen eyeing her up…
I was indifferent to the thought of Dawn being killed by Belle but the thought of Willa “sleeping with the fishes” actually has me worried.
Just John
May 24th, 2025 at 10:17 am Reply
MW: Have i spotted a continuity gap? Belle first needs to take a picture of the fish and then cross out its eyes. Heh heh.
Cleveland Mocks
May 24th, 2025 at 4:52 am Reply
MW: I’ve never seen a hair extension on a fish, but I gotta say that it looks pretty good.
CS: We, the attorneys representing the John Deere Company, manufacturer of the world’s foremost farm and lawn and garden equipment, protest the unauthorized depiction of our product in this cruel “comic” strip by an overly officious groundskeeper who most certainly does not represent the ideals and values that we live by. You can just get one of those crappy L.L. Bean tractors if you want to pull that kind of shit.
Dennis Jimenez
May 24th, 2025 at 4:47 am Reply
Crank – And the moral is…better dead than Ed….
Hibbleton
May 24th, 2025 at 6:47 am Reply
CS: At least the sister paid extra to bury Lucille in the drive-through section of the cemetery for the convenience of visitors (You know, where they put the road right over the graves).
Liam
May 24th, 2025 at 8:54 am Reply
Crankshaft-Wait, minister! You’re doing it all wrong. You’re supposed to leave the flowers and take the body.
Poteet
May 24th, 2025 at 9:48 am Reply
CRANKSHAFT: A few weeks ago, I was driving through an Iowa town and noticed a small group of people with multicolored signs at the entrance to a cemetery. It looked like some kind of protest. I slowed down, hoping to read a sign or two, and saw “Honk If You Love Flowers.” I didn’t have time to stop and ask and still don’t know what it was about, but now I’m wondering if it was perhaps a group of Eugenes, tired of having their floral grave offerings pitched.
Ukulele Ike
May 24th, 2025 at 12:07 pm Reply
Crank: “I see you bought a two-foot cemetery plot for your sister. When would you like to schedule the cremation?”
”Too much money. Just bury the head.”
pugfuggly
May 24th, 2025 at 5:00 am Reply
CSh: Oh that’s not the trash: the city collects old flowers and such from graveyards, hospitals and memorial markers, renders them down and extracts a pure concentrate of a compound called “nostalgate”. They add it to the drinking water instead of fluoride.
Luann: More of whatever you are now? Oh, I think I know this one: Awkward? Unappealing? Deeply frustrating to read? Whatever it is, give us MORE!
TheDiva
May 24th, 2025 at 6:25 am Reply
Luann: Luann has had several long-term and short-term interests over the years, but none of them have been more boring and personality-free than Phil. He’s like if someone put the prompt “create a boyfriend that even the most restrictive parents could not object to” into ChatGPT.
Guillermo el chiclero
May 24th, 2025 at 8:53 am Reply
Luann: Psst, Luann and Phil, forget about establishing yourselves. Did you ever hear of the terms fuck buddies, or friends with benefits?
Dr. Bentley Ballsack
May 24th, 2025 at 10:25 am Reply
@Guillermo el chiclero: No way. In Luann, every relationship has to be a prelude to marriage,
BeckoningChasm
May 24th, 2025 at 8:17 am Reply
Luann: Well, in panel one, Phil already has his hand on her ass, so that’s…”progress” maybe?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
The Quiet Man
May 24th, 2025 at 5:16 am Reply
RMMD: They aren’t going to make it to the wedding, are they? They’re just going to Doordash some supermarket sheet cake and sit there self-congratulating at each other.
Sid, Agent to the Animal Stars!
May 24th, 2025 at 6:11 am Reply
RMMD: Remember, you could be enjoying the adventures of Snowball the Cat and the suspect kibble instead of … whatever this is. They could have even made it medically related with a crossover appearance by Dr. Ed! But nooooo, let ’em eat cake…
BigTed
May 24th, 2025 at 7:12 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: On “The Beverly Hillbillies,” Elly May once dated a Navy officer who specialized in underwater operations — and when Granny saw him in the pool wearing a lower wetsuit and swim fins, she assumed that the term “Naval frogman” meant he was a man from the navel up and a frog from the navel down. Funny stuff! So I guess maybe Sarge thinks the qualifications for being a “Navy Seal” include balancing a ball on his nose, which I’m pretty sure is something he could do!
GarrisonSkunk
May 24th, 2025 at 10:08 am Reply
The Familiar Mucus: “They’re Here!!!!” “Damn, Jeffy didn’t completely flush away, you can still see him!”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukranazi Stepan
May 25th, 2025 at 4:35 am Reply
Flylock Socks:
Just take a stethoscope to the android Weirdly and see if he has a heartbeat. Problem solved in 30 seconds!
Ettorre
May 25th, 2025 at 4:31 am Reply
You could find out whether the Count is an android even faster, just check whether he pisses or poops. But we don’t want to have a riddle children might actually have fun with!
Veronica!
May 25th, 2025 at 4:37 am Reply
Slylock: That hot dog is clearly too big to be anything but an actual dog. I’m guessing dachshund, primarily for the “weenie dog” jokes, although based on the size and shape, Scottish terrier is also a possibility.
Liam
May 25th, 2025 at 4:38 am Reply
Slylock Fox-One month later. “Wow! I guess that really was Count Weirdly,” Slylock says finding Count Weirdly dead due to starvation.
Victor Von
May 25th, 2025 at 7:07 am Reply
Slylock Fox: I’m not proud that my first solution to today’s puzzle was that a robot that doesn’t eat won’t poop.
All right, I’m a little proud.
I’m also a little bit worried about that cat that seized Max through the bars of his cell. Background Cat looks like an atavist to me. He’s eaten sapient mice before, and he’ll eat mice again.
Needless Exposition
May 25th, 2025 at 4:35 am Reply
SFx: Is it me or do the solutions for the “puzzles” of this comic sound a lot more complex than the average age of the people who actually try to solve the puzzles…which I presume is either age 8 or age 80.
MW: Aside from the uncomfortable amount of detail put into this, how is Belle going to casually brush this aside to keep her piggy pig? It’s not like this is his daughter; he actually cares about his fish.
Schroduck
May 25th, 2025 at 4:41 am Reply
We complain about comic artists phoning it in, so I just want to give Brigman a shout-out: this Mary Worth is really good. I’m really feeling the full force Belle’s insane fish gobbling.
Maltmash3r
May 25th, 2025 at 4:42 am Reply
MW- Doesn’t matter, had sex
Voshkod
May 25th, 2025 at 5:48 am Reply
For all of next week, Wilbur consults with Mary. “I dunno, Mary, this whole thing seems fishy. I’m floundering a bit here, I’ll be honest. I don’t want to let Belle just skate on this one, but not to carp, I do feel like Dawn’s being mean to Belle without any porpoise. The whole thing just smelts. Anyway, I’m going to finish that Salmon Rushdie book you recommended, see if it clears my head.”
Anonymous
May 25th, 2025 at 7:18 am Reply
MW: If you’re going to depict someone killing someone’s pet in the comics, I guess it’s better to do it in Mary Worth than in Family Circus.
Baja Gaijin
May 25th, 2025 at 7:36 am Reply
@86 Anonymous: How do you feel about depicting killing someone’s pet in Pluggers rather than Mary Worth?
Astroboy
May 25th, 2025 at 5:48 am Reply
Never thought I’d see Uvula Porn in Mary Worth.
The Rambling Otter
May 25th, 2025 at 5:49 am Reply
MW: That bookshelf right beside the fish tank. I take suspension of disbelief that Wilbur would actually take the time to sit down and read anything.
Unless it’s porn.
Those books are porn right?
Lauralot
May 25th, 2025 at 8:56 am Reply
MW:
“Oh, Wilbie, hon!” Belle drops the fish in shock. “It’s not what you think! We were just making out!”
“You’re into that too?” Wilbur asks, a smile growing on his face.
Then they start kissing while Willa suffocates on the carpet.
Maude R. Fawker
May 25th, 2025 at 8:29 am Reply
MW: This being a comic in a family newspaper, you have to read between the lines to understand the metaphor of Belle’s sexy, sexy mouth surrounding and swallowing Wilbur’s tiny, tiny cock.
Dan
May 25th, 2025 at 5:43 am Reply
This “A Fish Called Wanda” remake is ok, but Belle really is not selling the “comic” part of “comic madman” of Kevin Klein while Wilbur really lacks the je ne sais quoi of Michael Palin. And the less said about the psychosexual dynamics of Dawn in Jamie Lee Curtis’s role, the better.
Little Blue Bicycle
May 25th, 2025 at 9:21 am Reply
MW: Clearly Belle planned to kill and eat Dawnie, which would have been horrific but perhaps interesting depending on the definition.
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
May 25th, 2025 at 5:44 am Reply
Mary Worth: She’s going to say she was “just” French kissing the fish, he’s going to believe it, and the rest of us are going to look up “spank bank” in the Urban Dictionary.
Peanut Gallery
May 25th, 2025 at 6:00 am Reply
MW – I’m disappointed that today’s Mary Worth is embellished with a quote from a contestant on a rigged quiz show. They should have used a quote from a contestant on a rigged “reality” show.
Hibbleton
May 25th, 2025 at 6:07 am Reply
MW: Still probably tastier than Wilbur’s dick.
The Quiet Man
May 25th, 2025 at 5:24 am Reply
RMMD: So help me, I’d somehow convinced myself that Wanda Wanda BoBonda BananafanaFoFonda MiMyMoMonda here was engaged to Mud, not Truck, and with that crack about having her slave over a hot griddle to serve a crowd of hungry wedding guests (CAKE!) she has GOT to be having second thoughts right about now.
Cleveland Mocks
May 25th, 2025 at 5:53 am Reply
RMMD: “You invited the Morgans??? Oh no! Have you seen the way that guy eats cake? This is gonna cost me a fortune!”
I speak Jive
May 25th, 2025 at 8:59 am Reply
Rex Morgan – I was wrong. I was sure that the diner would be catering the wedding, not Jordan Like The Country. It’s unbelievable that they’ll pass up homemade grub for elite cuisine. They might serve quiche! Wanda must think that she can’t wear an apron over her wedding dress.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Banana Jr. 6000
May 25th, 2025 at 5:41 am Reply
Luann: Nobody wants to hear about what fits nicely into Luann’s box.
Unca Bob
May 25th, 2025 at 5:50 am Reply
JP: Seriously?? Stay tuned next week as the furniture deliver daily soliloquies. Queue Neil Diamond:
“I am”… I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
Horace Broon
May 25th, 2025 at 7:53 am Reply
Crank: A nice touch is Mary’s askance look at Ed, like she knows it has been decreed by Batty that she’s dating this asshole, and she wishes she had more of a say in the matter.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
May 26th, 2025 at 7:47 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur immediately knows Belle’s lying: if Willa could “blow,” he wouldn’t need Belle.
Peanut Gallery
May 26th, 2025 at 7:41 am Reply
MW – “No, Belle! No! Bad girl! Leave that fish alone and go play with your squeaky toy!” This discipline technique didn’t work on Dawn, either.
Dmsilev
May 26th, 2025 at 9:15 am Reply
The artwork in that first MW panel is just perfect. The crowning touch is the photo of the island resort where Wilbur washed up after falling off that cruise ship. Even in his condo decor, he’s an utterly self-centered jackass.
Bill the Splut
May 26th, 2025 at 7:50 am Reply
I was the only person working in a liquor store when the most tweaked-out meth-head in New England came in. As manic as he was, he still looked saner than that woman in Mary Worth!
Lionheart
May 26th, 2025 at 8:52 am Reply
Oh god, Belle is trying to distract Wilbur by flashing him her sex face.
Professor Well Actually
May 26th, 2025 at 8:53 am Reply
MW: panel one offers a hint as to what Wilbur sees in Belle.
Maude R. Fawker
May 26th, 2025 at 9:22 am Reply
MW: Is “never stick your dick in crazy” still valid advice if she is constantly asking, “is it in yet?”
Guillermo el chiclero
May 26th, 2025 at 11:45 am Reply
MW: Watch out, Thel Keane. You’re being outjutted.
Only Here For The Ads
May 26th, 2025 at 7:42 am Reply
MW: Even Belle’s breasts inflated from the excitement.
Everybody Posts, Nobody Reads
May 26th, 2025 at 8:04 pm Reply
MW: Belle has big tits.
Ukulele Ike
May 27th, 2025 at 3:26 am Reply
@Everybody Posts, Nobody Reads: BIG tits.
Emerson Bigguns
May 27th, 2025 at 3:44 am Reply
Did anyone notice that Belle has some bigguns?
Pozzo
May 27th, 2025 at 4:36 am Reply
H&L: So, does Lois just hang around the library, trying to pick up tricks…er, clients? Also, who exactly is the woman in the first panel talking to?
pugfuggly
May 27th, 2025 at 6:04 am Reply
H&L: Ha, get it? Because Microsoft Windows is a popular computer operating system? So ubiquitous that we forget about it, making jokes like this just kind of confusing on first glance? At least I think that’s what going on here. The other option is that there is just no gag at all, and that’s something we can’t discount either.
Guts Dozier
May 27th, 2025 at 4:39 am Reply
H&L: Who is the woman at the computer talking to? It can’t be Lois; Lois doesn’t introduce herself until she smells a commission. Is the woman just shouting her browsing habits aloud to the room, lest they all assume she’s looking at porn? Either way, she’s looking at a stern shushing from the librarian.
The Other Marceline
May 27th, 2025 at 5:43 am Reply
@Guts Dozier:
As a librarian myself, I can’t say that this is common behavior — but it also wouldn’t surprise me at all
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
May 27th, 2025 at 5:22 am Reply
Hi and Lois: Man, I love Lois’ posture, like she’s casting around a bunch of midi-chlorians in search of her commission. “These are not the houses we’re looking for. We are looking for a contemporary split-level ranch in a neighborhood with great schools. Move along to your office and send us some listings.”
Lawyerbob
May 27th, 2025 at 5:45 am Reply
H&L: What’s with the air quotes around “window shopping”? Is that code for something? Lois needs to get in on the mystery and role play: “I’m a real estate ‘agent.’ I can ‘show’ you some.”
Schroduck
May 27th, 2025 at 4:37 am Reply
H&L: Lmao that Lois went to the library in her realtor blazer and everything to trawl for leads. “ABC. Always Be [hanging out in the middle of the workday around the library’s] Computer.”
H&J: Not to get too political, but this is definitely a comic where even with publication lead times, you can still date precisely which week’s news cycle spawned it. You think anyone in the H&J-verse actually understands what the Signal app is, or do you reckon they assume maybe the editor of The Atlantic accidentally got sent some top secret smoke signals?
Victor Von
May 27th, 2025 at 5:44 am Reply
I think today’s strip fell victim to Herb & Jamal‘s ongoing War on Specifics. The creators were probably thinking about how easy it was to steal Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem’s purse, or sit in on the Defense Secretary’s Signal conversation. They put the concept through H & J‘s Super Generalizer, and this is what came out.
The SURREAL Everybody Posts, Nobody Reads
May 27th, 2025 at 7:54 am Reply
Maybe Herb and Jamaal are referring to recent government leaks.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
May 27th, 2025 at 5:44 am Reply
RMMD-“I won’t be asking for the same amount of alimony they ask for.”
Myrtle
May 27th, 2025 at 5:51 am Reply
RMMD: “You know this ain’t my first go-round with matrimony, and I’m not rightly sure I actually de-vorced a couple of ’em. But I guess that’s not a problem… at least not so far. You got any more of this bacon?”
Cleveland Mocks
May 27th, 2025 at 5:22 am Reply
JP: “Sophie, where’s Glen? What you need is a good . . . you know.”
MW: “And speaking of getting wet, little Willie could use some attention right now. Let’s go.”
CanuckDownSouth
May 27th, 2025 at 5:45 am Reply
MW: “fishy”. Little. Fishy. I haven’t spoken like that to my kids since they were preschool aged. If that’s how he’s rationalizing this, he ought to be puking at the thought of how he’s been doing “sweaty snugglebunnies” with someone with the mental age of a tiny child.
treetown
May 27th, 2025 at 6:05 am Reply
MW: Wilbur – fat, dumb, and stupid – what a way to go through life. Dean Wormer would be aghast. Meanwhile Dawnie is trussed up, gagged and stuffed into a trunk waiting final disposal.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I speak Jive
May 28th, 2025 at 8:41 am Reply
FC – Good grief, don’t tell holier than thou Grandma about this. She’ll go on and on about it forever and never let Jeffy forget it.
Fifteen years from now:
Jeffy: What a bummer. I didn’t get accepted at my first choice college.
HTT Grandma: Aren’t you sorry you forgot to say your prayers that night?
Horace Broon
May 28th, 2025 at 12:05 pm Reply
FC: A.A. Milne did it better.
Guillermo el chiclero
May 28th, 2025 at 8:42 am Reply
FC/MW: Thel Keane to Belle Batsfrey, “Fuck you, bitch! Get a load of these puppies!”
Astroboy
May 28th, 2025 at 4:38 am Reply
MW: Wilbur’s lone firing synapse gets a clue.
LTJpezcore1
May 28th, 2025 at 5:36 am Reply
MW: Good lord “Wilbie” the damn goldfish catches on faster than you…
Little Blue Bicycle
May 28th, 2025 at 6:15 am Reply
MW panel 3: “…we’d better have a lot of sex today before I ask you to leave.”
CanuckDownSouth
May 28th, 2025 at 6:18 am Reply
MW: Anybody else creeped out by how Wilbur didn’t call his adult daughter by the diminutive “Dawnie” until his lover started doing pet names with him? And how that intersects with his comfort rocking the sheets with someone he’s accepted has to be taught what to do with pet fish like a kid? Just me?
Lauralot
May 28th, 2025 at 6:35 am Reply
MW: Notice how Wilbur is referring to Dawn in the past tense. Belle has already killed her, but Wilbur “Lord of the Idiots” Weston just thinks that she’s moved in with Mary. Or Cathy. Or her mother. The important thing is, she’s not here to interrupt his sex life.
The Ghost of Jarrod
May 28th, 2025 at 10:22 am Reply
Apple Annie – You’ll notice that Belle didn’t say no.
Treetown
May 28th, 2025 at 10:32 am Reply
MW: Wilbur finally caught Belle in a compromising position, and his brain dulled by food and the recent surge of post-coital hormones is making a bold suggestion. What if Dawnie was correct? What if Belle is actually bad? What if mayonaisse isn’t that great a condiment? His world view is teetering.
MKay
May 28th, 2025 at 4:42 am Reply
MW: Quick, Belle! Show your boobs! It’ll distract him, I promise!
Luann: Well, there goes my ‘Shannon gets a well-deserved spanking’ idea. Instead we’re in for a glurgy ‘uptight bitch gets her heart melted through the power of imagination!’ storyline.
ValdVin
May 28th, 2025 at 4:55 am Reply
Luann: A billioniare buying a public library out of spite? Something tells me this kid is ready for the future.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
The Quiet Man
May 28th, 2025 at 4:55 am Reply
RMMD: And *there* it is! Our beloved up nostril shot, complete with Beatty’s patented ‘I suppose!’ splayed finger hand gesture! I knew we wouldn’t be disappointed!
Vanya
May 28th, 2025 at 5:26 am Reply
Dustin: So the formula is to present sad unlikable characters, and then have the authorial voice bully and humiliate these dislikable characters on a daily basis? This strip is so darkly psychotic it makes even 9CL seem edifying.
taig
May 28th, 2025 at 5:31 am Reply
Dustin: “I can tell you where the nearest bridge is, so you can throw yourself off of it.”
I speak Jive
May 28th, 2025 at 8:41 am Reply
Pluggers – Well, there went my appetite.
matt w
May 28th, 2025 at 10:00 am Reply
@Scratchy Scrotum LXIX: Pluggers don’t have sex, and they want you to think very hard about how they’re not having sex.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 28th, 2025 at 1:57 pm Reply
Pluggers: Obviously—and to no one’s surprise—this is a joke about the sex lives of married Pluggers being nonexistent. But really, one less couple referring to it as “playing doctor” is a relief, regardless of whether they’re Pluggers or not.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Charterstoned
May 29th, 2025 at 4:44 am Reply
MW: Realizing at long last that Belle has to go, Wilbur surreptitiously activates his Escher Disposal System, and as Belle goes through the door, the kitchen walls, windows, and cabinets suddenly contract, compressing Belle into a wafer-thin version of her former self that Wilbur can easily flush away.
Treetown
May 29th, 2025 at 5:58 am Reply
MW: Wilbie now goes into a decision making process. He lists the pros and cons of Belle. Cons – Belle MAYBE a nogoodnik and pose a threat to Willa, and MAYBE MAYBE Dawnie was right. MAYBE. Pros: regular intercourse and sexy time every single day and night. So hard – he’ll take the list and bounce it off MW.
GarrisonSkunk
May 29th, 2025 at 12:55 pm Reply
Was Truck married to Mary Worth?
K. Ivan Ruppert
May 29th, 2025 at 12:10 pm Reply
Maybe they’re laying the groundwork for a crossover between Rex Morgan MD and Mary Worth! I’m here for it. Think about it, Buck gets questionable relationship advice, and Wilbur gets diagnosed with something painful and probably terminal.
Myrtle
May 29th, 2025 at 5:00 am Reply
MW/RMMD: The character of Belle is written out of Wilbur’s life, but the actress quickly lands a new role in Rex Morgan as one of Truck’s ex-wives! Has she come for money — or murder!!
pugfuggly
May 29th, 2025 at 4:50 am Reply
RMMD My God, I wonder how long he’s been sitting like that with his fork just hovering six inches from his face? Do you think that hashbrown is still even warm?
TheDiva
May 29th, 2025 at 6:45 am Reply
RMMD: “I suppose I could reflect on my past marriages in a little more detail to see if there were any circumstances or behaviors which led to their favor and which I could learn from, but I’d rather leave things up to chance! More exciting that way.”
Bob Tice
May 29th, 2025 at 4:30 am Reply
RMMD:
“I don’t know if that means the odds are in my favor with this one or not. ‘Course, every marriage is an independent probabilistic event, so what happened in any given marriage ain’t gonna have any statistical effect on any succeedin’ marriage!”
Old School Allie Cat
May 29th, 2025 at 6:51 am Reply
Rex Morgan, Key of D – Everyone knows you throw the first pancake out* because it’s ugly. Let that be a metaphor for your multiple marriages.
*Or gives it to the dog.
The Quiet Man
May 29th, 2025 at 4:59 am Reply
RMMD: This would be an awfully convenient time for Truck to have a massive coronary right there at the table, and Mud pick Wanda up on the rebound…
Colonial
May 29th, 2025 at 6:20 am Reply
GT: We take a break from his soccer “action” for an onomatopoeia dance off!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Lauralot
May 30th, 2025 at 4:43 am Reply
MW: Tell her to get out? Tell her she needs to stay in a hotel for the rest of her indefinitely long visit and then lock the doors and windows? Send her off to get something, put all her luggage in the hall, and then lock her out? Call the police? You’ve tried nothing and you’re out of ideas.
This man writes an advice column.
Charterstoned
May 30th, 2025 at 4:47 am Reply
MW: Things could be far, far worse. Instead of “home office”, it could have been “lap”, “bed”, or “beefy embrace”—I feel like we dodged a bullet.
Hibbleton
May 30th, 2025 at 4:48 am Reply
MW: The story comes to its logical conclusion when Wilbur and Belle put drain cleaner in each other’s food and they both fall ill. Kind of a slant take on Romeo and Juliet.
Ken
May 30th, 2025 at 4:51 am Reply
MW: Wilbur’s still under Belle’s influence – look how casually he says “get rid of her.” Sadly, I doubt we’ll be treated to a father-daughter bonding experience as the two of them bury Belle’s body in the woods.
Veronica!
May 30th, 2025 at 5:01 am Reply
FC: I didn’t wake up this morning expecting to see a stark, Hemingway-esque portrayal of the existential anguish of loneliness and isolation inherent to the human condition in Family Circus, but here we are.
Philip
May 30th, 2025 at 5:23 am Reply
Family Circus – Cuts are coming to the cast of the Family Circus, and in several test markets Jeffy was erased from comics for the past six months, to see if any readers would write in and wonder where he went.
None did.
ValdVin
May 30th, 2025 at 6:11 am Reply
FC:
“Mom? Mommmmm?”
(minutes later)
“Oh, I didn’t hear you, sweetie. I had to dust out the air vents, set rat poison in the crawlspace, and polish the TV aerial.”
Astroboy
May 30th, 2025 at 6:13 am Reply
FC: Even Barfy wants nothing to do with Jeffy. Mainly because he just peed on those leaves.
Schroduck
May 30th, 2025 at 4:46 am Reply
FC: Today’s caption was hastily rewritten after the syndicate rejected the original, gritty exploration of Jeffy waking up in a ditch after a three day bender.
Dagwood: I dread to think what these kids rhymed with “texting”.
Dennis Jimenez
May 30th, 2025 at 5:06 am Reply
Blondie – Texting, Sexting and naked pix; All to the tune of some AI prick….
Tabby Lavalamp
May 30th, 2025 at 5:16 am Reply
So is Dagwood’s carpool just waiting outside his house thinking he’s going to come running out late as usual and he’s plum forgotten or have they had enough of his BS and now he has to take the school bus to work?
Guts Dozier
May 30th, 2025 at 5:43 am Reply
Wait, is Dagwood actually EARLY for his carpool? I hate when a strip violates a fundamental character trait just to set up a one-off gag. What’s next? A happy Monday for Garfield? The Lockhorns having a civil dinner? Rex Morgan MD practicing medicine?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
MKay
May 30th, 2025 at 4:46 am Reply
RMMD: Hello, back child support, goodbye, wedding reception!
Arabella
May 30th, 2025 at 5:11 am Reply
RMMD: Did anyone else think at first glance that June was approaching Truck’s table? Don’t tell me I’m the only one.
Tom T.
May 30th, 2025 at 5:08 am Reply
Crankshaft: “…so instead I asked to see his penis, which was also a legend in the industry. It was the ’70s!”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
May 24th, 2025 at 7:28 am Reply
Luann: Luann and Phil move in together? There aren’t enough sheets with holes cut in them in the world for that.
169. JamesBont
May 24th, 2025 at 8:56 pm Reply
Dustin: “HAHAHAHAHA IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE YOU CAN’T GROW A BEARD BECAUSE YOU’RE LESS OF A MAN!”
“Yeah, you’re right. I should ask your boyfriend for beard tips.”
“But I don’t have a boyfriend?”
“Oh really? Then explain all those late nights you come home from, because odds are you’re not spending them baking cookies with your friends.”
“But…i…I don’t…”
“Yeah, view must be lovely from that glass house of yours, you passive-aggressive bitch. Go f*ck yourself.”
69. Charterstoned
May 25th, 2025 at 6:45 am Reply
MW: Given today’s action, and the fact that it’s Sunday, Moy could have gone with the totally unexpected plot twist, and have Willa go all biblical great fish on Belle:
Jonah 1:17 – “Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow up Belle. And Belle was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. GarrisonSkunk
May 26th, 2025 at 10:16 am Reply
“What’s got Dagwood so focused on the computer?” “BALLS! He’s been looking at his porn sites all day!”
69. Acacia
May 27th, 2025 at 7:02 am Reply
Herb and Jamaal: So I’m guessing the punchline is “retail stores secure high theft items because people steal a lot of them”?
Vanya
May 27th, 2025 at 7:13 am Reply
@Acacia: Retail stores secured “high value” items as an overreaction to the Floyd protests, shoplifting during the pandemic and the constant right-wing gaslighting that American cities where Blacks and immigrants live are sites of “carnage” and in the throes of a crime wave. It’s a set-up that an ambitious Black writer might have twisted to provide an interesting perspective, but not this time.
69. TheDiva
May 28th, 2025 at 7:50 am Reply
H&J: In further proof that real life has moved beyond parody, Herb and Jamal is non-ironically doing political commentary on the level of the DJ-3000 from The Simpsons.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Needless Exposition
May 29th, 2025 at 7:52 am Reply
MW: Even Willa caught on faster than you did, you self absorbed tub of goo. But of course you only care about the situation now that you’re personally affected rather than listening to your only child. You know, the one person who actually cares about you despite the many ways that she shouldn’t.
Thanks for the mention, Scratchy.
[We should totally post some jokes about Josh making meta-comments.]
I feel like a pitcher watching Hibbleton’s long ball disappear over the center-field wall.
[Generic comment]
Congrats to all the big winners and mentionees, and thanks, Scratchy!
Thanks to Josh (who even corrected the typo that I caught only after clicking Post), and to Scratchy, for the kind mentions of my humble offerings. I’m sure I speak for others when I say kudos to Hot Nibble, er Hibbleton, for the winning riposte, and naturally to the rest of the float-riders as well!
Thanks, Scratchy.
Thanks Scratchy!
Words
Congrats to Hibbleton, everyone on the float and my fellow scratchies! Broon Croons to BigTed, matt w, Tabby Lavalamp, Treetown, and Lauralot!
Thanks, Scratchy!
Congrats, Hibbleton! :) And thank you to Josh and Scratchy! [clever parting line]
[Insert boilerplate salutations to COTW winner Hibbleton and runners-up]
Thanks to our host and Scratchy, I appreciate the two Scrotes, and applause for Hibbleton and all the noms.
Thanks for the mentions,Scratchy!
Sex Organ V.D. :”Looks like Truck got one past the goalie”*
*In the Kramer tongue
Today I learned that Belle has large bazooms. I must ask Uncle Cosmo about this. He’s really into chicken breasts.
Thanks, everyone. If I have seen further [than others], it is by standing on the shoulders of George Wilson.
Congrats to Hibbleton and all the COTWs, and thanks Josh (and Scratchy, and Horace) for the mentions!
Wow, a quadruple win this week! Thanks, Scratchy!
Congratulations to Hibbleton and the other folks on the float. Also to the Scratchies, with thanks to SS LXIX for the mention. Tips of the beret to Philip, Guts Dozier, matt w, and Dan.
Shadow COTW Contenders
Where’s Rocky?
May 24th, 2025 at 4:33 am Reply
Pluggers are into polyamory and cucking but there’s still breaking a hip to worry about.
Dennis Jimenez
May 24th, 2025 at 4:47 am Reply
Crankshaft: And the moral is…better dead than Ed…
Cleveland Mocks
May 24th, 2025 at 5:31 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’ve never seen a hair extension on a fish, but I gotta say that it looks pretty good.
Dr. Bentley Ballsack
May 24th, 2025 at 10:20 am Reply
Beetle Bailey: Sarge: Maybe I could’ve been an Army Ranger.
Beetle: Why, so you could compete with Yogi for pic-a-nic baskets?
Ukulele Ike
May 24th, 2025 at 12:07 pm Reply
Crankshaft: “I see you bought a two-foot cemetery plot for your sister. When would you like to schedule the cremation?”
”Too much money. Just bury the head.”
Veronica!
May 25th, 2025 at 4:37 am Reply
Slylock Fox: That hot dog is clearly too big to be anything but an actual dog. I’m guessing dachshund, primarily for the “weenie dog” jokes, although based on the size and shape, Scottish terrier is also a possibility.
Banana Jr. 6000
May 25th, 2025 at 5:41 am Reply
Luann: Nobody wants to hear about what fits nicely into Luann’s box.
Craig!
May 25th, 2025 at 6:22 am Reply
Mary Worth: I choose to believe Belle is going to make out with that fish and attempt to get a threesome going. Because she’s crazy, that’s why.
Weaselboy
May 25th, 2025 at 7:04 am Reply
Mary Worth: “Belle! What are you doing? I’m the only one who can French kiss Willa!”
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 25th, 2025 at 11:40 am Reply
Family Circus: “You see, Billy, through years of trial and error Heaven has learned to station its transport clouds outside of hospitals where incompetent surgeons are operating.”
Joe Blevins
May 25th, 2025 at 12:58 pm Reply
Mary Worth: The full Charles Van Doren quote is actually: “I’ve learned a lot about good and evil. They are not always what they appear to be. But that goldfish-eating lady? Yeah, no, she’s just fucked in the head. Keep your distance.”
GarrisonSkunk
May 25th, 2025 at 9:54 pm Reply
Mary Worth: “BELLE! what are you DOING?!? I thought we agreed all food would be consumed 50/50!”
Peanut Gallery
May 26th, 2025 at 7:41 am Reply
Mary Worth: “No, Belle! No! Bad girl! Leave that fish alone and go play with your squeaky toy!” This discipline technique didn’t work on Dawn, either.
BigTed
May 26th, 2025 at 7:43 am Reply
Blondie: The situation is much worse than Blondie thinks — Dagwood has been spending all afternoon watching “Hi and Lois” porn.
Auntie Velvet
May 26th, 2025 at 7:49 am Reply
Mary Worth: OK, I had imagined a list of plausible excuses Belle might use to try to get out of this one — but where her mind goes, mine cannot follow. “Returning a fish’s kiss” just never occurred to me, I’m ashamed to say.
Tabby Lavalamp
May 26th, 2025 at 9:10 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’m starting to think Belle might be unhinged. I just wish Brigman could convey it more in her art. Less subtlety, please.
Joe Blevins
May 26th, 2025 at 10:34 am Reply
Mary Worth: Belle, what are you even doing? Wilbur left his wallet unguarded! Do you know how many napkin ring holders you could have purchased on Temu before maxing out his credit card? Seven. Seven napkin ring holders, Belle.
Pozzo
May 27th, 2025 at 4:36 am Reply
Hi and Lois: So, does Lois just hang around the library, trying to pick up tricks…er, clients? Also, who exactly is the woman in the first panel talking to?
TheDiva
May 27th, 2025 at 7:11 am Reply
Luann: It’s hard to be more joyless than “let’s pretend we’re working in a soul-crushing warehouse,” but Bernice manages.
Artist formerly known as Ben
May 27th, 2025 at 1:33 pm Reply
Dick Tracy: Dick’s knuckles sigh when they haven’t had a chance to smash a punk’s face recently.
TheDiva
May 28th, 2025 at 8:12 am Reply
Mary Worth: Wilbur is trying to outdo Belle’s crazy eyes. Being Wilbur, he fails miserably at it.
pugfuggly
May 29th, 2025 at 4:50 am Reply
Dick Tracy: “Elsewhere”, a ventriloquist dummy brought to life visits a NORAD station. God I love this strip…
Tabby Lavalamp
May 29th, 2025 at 5:46 am Reply
Dick Tracy: “Blaze”? That’s BS. If her name isn’t actually “Lady Sam” then what even are comics?
Dennis Jimenez
May 29th, 2025 at 6:58 am Reply
Dick Tracy: And today, the best performance in a supporting role award goes to…the coat rack…
Ukulele Ike
May 29th, 2025 at 8:05 am Reply
Dick Tracy: If the Chief makes Sam keep a little Star of David displayed on his computer screen, does Lee have to keep a small lesbian symbol on hers? Or the symbol for “Lesbian into Jimmy Olsen Cosplay?” And would that be a little bow tie over a vibrator?
Horace Broon
May 29th, 2025 at 11:30 am Reply
Family Circus: Is it just me or does Dolly look kind of offended? “Wait, ‘someone’ needs to tell Daddy when PJ makes a mess? Does he think Jeffy’s going to do it? I’m the narc around here, that’s the closest thing I have to a personality trait! Jeffy isn’t taking that away from me!!”
Tabby Lavalamp
May 30th, 2025 at 5:18 am Reply
Family Circus: “Billy and his friends put me into a shallow grave again.”
Shadow COTW
——————
Hibbleton
May 30th, 2025 at 5:03 am Reply
Mary Worth: Dawn’s mom shows up and promptly throws Belle’s things out into the street and tells her if she ever shows her face around her daughter again she’ll twist her face worse than her wrinkled panties.
She glares at Wilbur and says through gritted teeth; “You’re pathetic.”
Thank you, Scratchy & Baja!
Thanks, Scratchy and Baja!
Thanks Josh, and thanks Baja and Scratchy, and Voshkudos to Hibbleton, Veronica!, and Guts Dozier.
Gotta say I was not expecting my link to my old comment to make the COTW post – I thought Josh would either cut it off before that point or it would keep the comment from making COTW entirely. I’m guessing that last sentence may have helped push it over the top, but if I’d known this was coming I’d have split up the link and linked to the actual strip I was referencing back then.
Of course this is just me being neurotic; I really do appreciate the COTW!
Thanks, Josh and Scratchy, and congrats to Hibbleton and all the floaters and shadow floaters and special 69ers!
Just rechecked the thread. Thank you, Baja.
Thankee most kindly, Scratchy!
[Eloquent appreciative comment regarding this week’s entire COTW list and composers and compilers thereof]
[Belated surprise and expression of humble gratitude for meager offerings to have been included among the more stellar comments—with special note of congratulations directed at COTW winner goes here.]