Metapost: The week that was, and the comments of it
Post Content
Ready or not, Friday has arrived, and with it this week’s funniest comment, chosen by me:
“Kudos to Lou for being thematically consistent by mounting the TV where it can be seen by him alone, and not the customers at the counter. He doesn’t respect his clientele’s taste buds or gastrointestinal needs, so why should he care if they’re entertained? Let them watch him watching TV while his terrible food burns!” –Chance
And the funny runners up!
“If you ‘BOOM!’ like a thunder machine when someone tackles you in football, talk to your doctor to see if ‘the emergency room’ is right for you! –Victor Von
“There are tight ponytails and then there are hairstyles that qualify as abuse of one’s own hair and scalp.” –Joe Blevins
“‘This is exciting!’ Finding typos, she means. That’s the most thrill she’ll have from the book. And from Augie in general.” –Ettorre
“As Olive communicates telepathically with animals, can Toby talk with comestibles? I’m sure that Mary’s muffins have some tales to tell.” –Gil Bates
“The important thing is that by calling it a ranch, we pay the agricultural property tax rate, which is much lower than the residential rate.” –Ken
“I must say that after weeks of Mary Worth’s ‘unsettlingly mature children will lead us into a brighter future,’ I’m refreshed and renewed by the Judge Parker approach of ‘unsettingly mature children are very annoying and can find their own way home if they know so damn much about how to properly exploit landholdings.’” –Navigator
“THEY BROUGHT THE LUGGAGE CART WITH THEM to his home where he’s prepared for his sensual experience by putting a wooden chair next to a table that has a solitary glass of wine.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“Archie had two jobs in this strip: look worried because his parents are arguing, and smile at the tension-relieving punchline. Let’s see how he did, shall we?” –Dan
“So this thriller features a single mom on the dating scene, and multiple publishers are fighting to publish it. It has sex scenes, right? Obviously, it has sex scenes. Augie chastely kisses Summer good night and then makes excuses to go home and write fantasies about her doppelgänger. I can’t wait for Summer’s reaction.” –Nevin, on Patreon
“I mean, it could be a character inspired by Summer, or it could be just the fact that her personal situation is not all that unique? I’m not throwing any shade on her, I’m just saying it’s probably a very dull book.” –pugfuggly
“Augie [during the inevitable confrontation]: ‘Well the deal is that I have to change just enough details not to pay you and…’” –2+2=7
“The most accurate detail here is that we can’t actually see any apartments on the canal side, or really any buildings at all. In Hartlepool, a single run-down boathouse still no doubt reeking of bunker oil and fish guts counts as an entire luxury housing district.” –Schroduck
“I think Gertie is just showing off that she can hoist a book aloft when it’s longer than her torso.” –Artist formerly known as Ben
“Even if Toby is too dumb to think the bird will have trouble getting the seeds from the bag (everybody calls her ‘bird-brain’, yet she can, so of course birdie will too!), she ought to dump out the seeds in order to, y’know, not litter with the bag. She apparently failed those kindergarten lessons, folks!” –CanuckDownSouth
“Moy must have gotten letters from her loyal reader complaining that the balloon scene was too tense, so decided to tone it down to ‘50 mg of valium’ levels. Next week: Toby stands up.” –Ken
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15 replies to “Metapost: The week that was, and the comments of it”
OMG! Two runner-up slots! This is… I’m so… I’d like to thank the Academy, and all those wonderful people who make this site possible, and I really should chuck ten bucks their way next time Uncle Lumpy holds a fundraiser.
Thanks, Baja and Scratchy!
You’re welcome, Anonymous.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
November 1st, 2025 at 4:53 am Reply
GT: An smooth transition for Gil from “Protect your balls!” to “Protect the ball!” when coaching the girls football team.
MKay
November 1st, 2025 at 5:02 am Reply
GT: BOOM! Right in the boob! And so begins Mimi’s lifelong and unsuccessful quest for identity.
Tabby Lavalamp
November 1st, 2025 at 7:03 am Reply
Not being a leading expert on onomatopoeias, should the sound of a tackle be “BOOM” or did something go terribly awry? One or both of these girls need to be taken to the hospital, stat! But give them some time first, they’re having a moment and I’d hate for one of them to have to settle for that boring coach.
But What Do I Know?
November 1st, 2025 at 5:28 am Reply
GT — Emily sure did an excellent job of protecting the ball, considering the tackler suddenly vanished from her left side and reappeared to lower the boom on her right.
Weaselboy
November 1st, 2025 at 6:45 am Reply
GT – “Also, good job avoiding the roadwork on the other side of those orange cones.”
Pozzo
November 1st, 2025 at 6:48 am Reply
GT: As the marching band strikes up the “boom-wacka-wacka” background music.
Dennis Jimenez
November 1st, 2025 at 5:35 am Reply
GT – Splendor in the grass…no balls required….
pugfuggly
November 1st, 2025 at 6:40 am Reply
GT Oh man, you work six months on your Gil Thorp Erotica fanatic and they just…print this.
But What Do I Know?
November 1st, 2025 at 5:30 am Reply
GT — Oh, and I never understood why people called football erotic before. Thanks, guest artist!
Everything Is Better With Monkeys
November 1st, 2025 at 5:30 am Reply
@But What Do I Know?: shhhhh, don’t criticize the guest artist. Otherwise, we’ll be back to the weirdly angular heavy-chin version that we had.
Does anyone else check in on 9CL every few months just to see if Brooke has gotten help yet? Does anyone else feel the need to scour their web history after doing so?
Schroduck
November 1st, 2025 at 6:50 am Reply
Blondie: 24 chefs cooking 24 meals in 24 hours? So… each chef gets a whole day to cook one meal? Wow, slow down with your crazy impossible food fantasies, Blondie.
Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
November 1st, 2025 at 6:42 am Reply
Blondie: Wait. . . so now the Food Network (TM) (violation) shows hour-long programs all night long?!? When did this start happening? No sign-off after the Star Spangled Banner? No reverse mortgage infomercials? Crazy!
SabeHombre
November 1st, 2025 at 6:44 am Reply
Blondie: Now we know why her chair faces away from Dagwood and the television. The next panel would have shown him masturbating to a fantasy cooking program.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Charterstoned
November 1st, 2025 at 8:09 am Reply
MW: “…I’m GLAD you and Oliver were saved. Because desperate times call for DESPERATE MEASURES!”
And DISPARATE DIALOGUE. WTF are these two people TALKING ABOUT????
Baja Gaijin
November 2nd, 2025 at 4:32 am Reply
Judge Parker: Neddy, hang that at the local NBC station. It’ll fit in right nice with their peacock.
Activist
November 2nd, 2025 at 4:54 am Reply
RMMD: Truth be told, Augie’s book will be so bad Summer won’t be able to finish it. She’ll just smile and intone, “It’s so… unique.”
Pozzo
November 2nd, 2025 at 4:48 am Reply
$19.95 dinner for two? Such a deal! (They change the sign if they see Mud Mountain Murphy coming.)
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
November 2nd, 2025 at 4:45 am Reply
DtM: Alice usually comes off as a pretty dull woman besides being a bad cook and in reality she’s never shown any talent in anything at all so let’s give her this little joke as lame as it is.
MW: “Things are pretty bad and all things eventually crumble to dust but as long as the illustrator shines a light on your boobs I’m okay with it.”
Stolid SeamenSequiturNovember 2nd, 2025 at 5:23 am Reply
Mary Worth: Did you catch it? IRA Gershwin, not George wrote the lyrics for the Gershwin songs.
But What Do I Know?
November 2nd, 2025 at 5:14 am Reply
MW — “In time the Rockies may crumble.”
George Gerswhin needs to check the MLB standings–I’m pretty sure that’s been happening all year!
Ukulele Ike
November 2nd, 2025 at 6:29 am Reply
MW: In some better reality, Ira caught the brain tumor in 1937 and George lived until 1983.
The Rambling Otter
November 2nd, 2025 at 5:41 am Reply
Notice how Mary didn’t say that she loves Jeff.
Might as well say “I ehhhhh…. you too”
Also, is it creepy that we have such a huge focus on “Will these characters get to fucking already?”
When said characters are either incredibly lame, uninteresting or a decrepit old hag.
ValdVin
November 2nd, 2025 at 7:13 am Reply
MW is doing its best to ruin one of my favorite Gene Kelly movies. What’s next, Xanadu?
Liam
November 2nd, 2025 at 6:29 am Reply
FC-Billy has a thing for Nancy?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Gil Bates
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:40 am Reply
MW: As Olive communicates telepathically with animals, can Toby talk with comestibles? I’m sure that Mary’s muffins have some tales to tell.
Liam
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:45 am Reply
MW-Throw those shells away or you’ll be reported to SCHOOL MANAGEMENT.
MW-Time for another near affair with a student.
CanuckDownSouth
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:14 am Reply
MW We are all going to be disappointed when the oddly specific “sunflower seeds” snack doesn’t lead to Toby getting one stuck in her throat and choking to death.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:21 am Reply
Mary Worth: By “sunflower seeds,” Toby means “THC infused-” (or more likely) “vodka soaked-” sunflower seeds, right? I refuse to believe a sculptor left to her own devices would consume a snack without a hyphen in front of it.
pugfuggly
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:34 am Reply
MW: Today we finally get the answer to the burning question: “Is there something in this strip that could be more pathetic than Wilbur talking to his fish?”
Tabby Lavalamp
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:47 am Reply
We just went through an entire story where some kid can telepathically communicate with dogs but it turns out the most unrealistic thing in Mary Worth this year is Santa Royale having park benches that aren’t designed to prevent unhoused people from sleeping on them.
Victor Von
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:39 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’m looking forward to Snack Week!
Toby: “Hello, sunflower seeds!”
Ian: “Hello, whisky, nice to see you again!”
Wilbur: “Hello, s-sandwiches!”
Mary: “I’ll take these unidentified brown squares to my friends!”
seismic-2
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:09 am Reply
MW: Of course Mary would rather spend her time working in a hospital rather than hanging out with Toby. However, I doubt that she is actually doing volunteer work. Mary so much enjoys manipulating the lives of the sick, the injured, the frail, and the totally helpless that she pays the hospital for the opportunity to do so!
JP: “But isn’t a horse ranch without horses just land?”
“Yes, Charlotte, but by that same standard a retired judge’s home office where all the law books have been replaced by bottles of Scotch is just a bar.”
GarrisonSkunk
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:18 am Reply
“Isnt a comic strip without comics just a strip?”
Ken
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:48 am Reply
JP: “The important thing is that by calling it a ranch, we pay the agricultural property tax rate, which is much lower than the residential rate.”
Hibbleton
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:51 am Reply
JP: “…and another thing, Neddy. Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?”
Neddy begins to think that taking Charlotte to open-mike night wasn’t a good idea.
nescio
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:01 am Reply
JP: “We couldn’t afford to rebuild the stables after buying three freezers for the horse meat.”
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:29 am Reply
Judge Parker: “Have you ever heard of ‘Cadillac Ranch?’ Same idea, but with horse’s asses.”
“Is that where my father is buried?”
“Yes it is.”
Lord Flatulence
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:46 am Reply
RMMD: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BlueBeetle
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:50 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Well, we’re back to the hideous and sometimes undecipherable artwork. On the plus side, I suppose it makes for a tedious adventure.
Schroduck
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:02 am Reply
Zits: I think the implication of that Pierce has spent hours or days or weeks staring at vintage Burning Man photos and mentally cataloguing every flashed breast or penis, to the extent that he can instantly recognise any nude even in a zoomed out crowd scene, is even more disturbing than Walt in a thong.
pugfuggly
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:34 am Reply
Zits: Do yourself a favor Jeremy: do not start calculating the date of that photo relative to your birth…
MKay
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:36 am Reply
9CL: Is Alistair sex talking to the twin he’s with or the twin he’s not with? And really, does it matter?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Gil Bates
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:40 am Reply
MW: As Olive communicates telepathically with animals, can Toby talk with comestibles? I’m sure that Mary’s muffins have some tales to tell.
Liam
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:45 am Reply
MW-Throw those shells away or you’ll be reported to SCHOOL MANAGEMENT.
MW-Time for another near affair with a student.
CanuckDownSouth
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:14 am Reply
MW We are all going to be disappointed when the oddly specific “sunflower seeds” snack doesn’t lead to Toby getting one stuck in her throat and choking to death.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:21 am Reply
Mary Worth: By “sunflower seeds,” Toby means “THC infused-” (or more likely) “vodka soaked-” sunflower seeds, right? I refuse to believe a sculptor left to her own devices would consume a snack without a hyphen in front of it.
pugfuggly
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:34 am Reply
MW: Today we finally get the answer to the burning question: “Is there something in this strip that could be more pathetic than Wilbur talking to his fish?”
Tabby Lavalamp
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:47 am Reply
We just went through an entire story where some kid can telepathically communicate with dogs but it turns out the most unrealistic thing in Mary Worth this year is Santa Royale having park benches that aren’t designed to prevent unhoused people from sleeping on them.
Victor Von
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:39 am Reply
Mary Worth: I’m looking forward to Snack Week!
Toby: “Hello, sunflower seeds!”
Ian: “Hello, whisky, nice to see you again!”
Wilbur: “Hello, s-sandwiches!”
Mary: “I’ll take these unidentified brown squares to my friends!”
seismic-2
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:09 am Reply
MW: Of course Mary would rather spend her time working in a hospital rather than hanging out with Toby. However, I doubt that she is actually doing volunteer work. Mary so much enjoys manipulating the lives of the sick, the injured, the frail, and the totally helpless that she pays the hospital for the opportunity to do so!
JP: “But isn’t a horse ranch without horses just land?”
“Yes, Charlotte, but by that same standard a retired judge’s home office where all the law books have been replaced by bottles of Scotch is just a bar.”
GarrisonSkunk
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:18 am Reply
“Isnt a comic strip without comics just a strip?”
Ken
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:48 am Reply
JP: “The important thing is that by calling it a ranch, we pay the agricultural property tax rate, which is much lower than the residential rate.”
Hibbleton
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:51 am Reply
JP: “…and another thing, Neddy. Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?”
Neddy begins to think that taking Charlotte to open-mike night wasn’t a good idea.
nescio
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:01 am Reply
JP: “We couldn’t afford to rebuild the stables after buying three freezers for the horse meat.”
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:29 am Reply
Judge Parker: “Have you ever heard of ‘Cadillac Ranch?’ Same idea, but with horse’s asses.”
“Is that where my father is buried?”
“Yes it is.”
Lord Flatulence
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:46 am Reply
RMMD: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
BlueBeetle
November 3rd, 2025 at 4:50 am Reply
Gil Thorp: Well, we’re back to the hideous and sometimes undecipherable artwork. On the plus side, I suppose it makes for a tedious adventure.
Schroduck
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:02 am Reply
Zits: I think the implication of that Pierce has spent hours or days or weeks staring at vintage Burning Man photos and mentally cataloguing every flashed breast or penis, to the extent that he can instantly recognise any nude even in a zoomed out crowd scene, is even more disturbing than Walt in a thong.
pugfuggly
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:34 am Reply
Zits: Do yourself a favor Jeremy: do not start calculating the date of that photo relative to your birth…
MKay
November 3rd, 2025 at 5:36 am Reply
9CL: Is Alistair sex talking to the twin he’s with or the twin he’s not with? And really, does it matter?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
November 4th, 2025 at 4:33 am Reply
MW-Oh how suspenseful. A pirateless parrot is loose.
Dennis Jimenez
November 4th, 2025 at 5:34 am Reply
MW – Toeby wanna boner….
Rosstifer
November 4th, 2025 at 5:43 am Reply
Being married to Toby has its obvious drawbacks, but one major benefit for Ian is that she’ll believe anything he tells her.
Maltmash3r
November 4th, 2025 at 5:44 am Reply
MW- so it begins. Toby adopts the bird, and thus the battle of whose pet is the best begins. Wilbur’s fish is easily dismissed causing severe trauma in the Weston household. Ultimately, the geezer’s dog win out, as we all know that DOGS ARE GOOD
Tabby Lavalamp
November 4th, 2025 at 6:13 am Reply
Oh crap. We’re going to get Olive coming back to Charterstone to telepathically communicate with the parrot to bring Toby’s sunflower seeds back, aren’t we? At least bring in Dick Tracy instead so he can punch the thieving bird.
MKay
November 4th, 2025 at 4:49 am Reply
MW: This is going to be great, when the bird starts repeating everything it’s heard from a lonely Toby.
“My husband is an impotent windbag.”
” I use Mary Worth’s muffins to prop the door open.”
RMMD: Augie has either lifted the entire stalker experience, or this book is about two people who go out to eat and have numbingly boring conversations.
Anonymous
November 4th, 2025 at 4:48 am Reply
Rex Morgan M.D. : Anti-Prediction : the way this storyline definitely won’t go is : “I don’t want the main character of this novel to be a thinly-veiled version of me, Augie. Not because you turned me into a ridiculously overpowered Mary Sue, THAT part I’m cool with. It’s the CONSTANT SEXUALISATION. Why does EVERY CHAPTER have a paragraph-long description of a buttshot in it!?”
TheDiva
November 4th, 2025 at 6:40 am Reply
RMMD: Okay, I take back everything bad I said about this arc–“Augie turned Summer’s traumatic experience with a stalker into a mystery novel with a title that sounds like it comes from a 1950s sexploitation B-movie without telling her about it, he only let her find out about it after publishers started biting to maximize the chances that she won’t bring up any qualms about it for fear of ruining his shot at a bestseller, and somehow this will not be a deal-breaker for her” is as delightfully absurd as Rex Morgan has been since the stalker arc itself.
Rita Lake
November 4th, 2025 at 6:52 am Reply
RMMD: I hope we’re getting into a “bad art friend” story here. Summer is outraged that Augie borrowed her identity (“Autumn Rook,” seriously?) to project his fantasies onto, transforming her into a caricature of herself and forcing her to relive her trauma. They have an acrimonious breakup and sue each other for the profits of the bidding war.
Also, a few notes on page 1 of this manuscript. First, “Stalked!” is a terrible title for a mystery novel. Second, “Autumn Rook” as a fig leaf for “Summer Knight” is terrible too. Third, the label “An Autumn Rook Mystery” makes it sound like Augie is going to write a whole series of books that are ripped from his real life experiences, or possibly somebody else’s life experiences, given what we’ve seen of his life (spends his evenings grading high school English compositions and watching his loser nephew’s band perform in dive bars, too busy to have sex even once).
Charterstone: Dune
November 5th, 2025 at 5:08 am Reply
MW: Oh hell yeah, Toby! Let that bird eat directly from your bag o’ seeds! Surely Ian won’t think less of you for contracting chlamydia from a parrot rather than the normal, sexy way. (That’s because it’s not possible for Ian to think any less of you. If he thinks of you at all.)
CanuckDownSouth
November 5th, 2025 at 5:42 am Reply
MW Given that Augie can only write what he’s experienced, (1) I expect his students leave class more confused about the definition of “fiction” than when they started and (2) the rejected manuscripts must have been “December Smith Goes to the Grocery Store” parts 1-5
Ukulele Ike
November 5th, 2025 at 5:56 am Reply
MW: Hey! The bird’s head is one of those things you can see right side up or upside down. Or facing right or facing left. Like The Topsy-Turvies.
Brigman musta lost a bet.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
November 5th, 2025 at 4:40 am Reply
RMMD: Summer keeps reading. “Whoa! If he thinks he’s King Kong Dong…. talk about poetic license.”
Schroduck
November 5th, 2025 at 4:45 am Reply
RMMD: There’s a principle in defamation law called the small penis rule, where supposedly you can avoid libel claims if you give your defamatory character a small penis, since then the injured party would have to claim the small-penised character is them. In reality, this provides very little legal protection, but it’s still more effective than the “this blonde is really a brunette!” defence.
Victor Von
November 5th, 2025 at 5:45 am Reply
Rex Morgan, MD: I can’t wait for the inevitable revelation that “Autumn Rook” in Augie’s book is Bizarro Summer! Summer’s blond and nearsighted, so Autumn is brunette and farsighted. Autumn’s glasses are square, of course. And… Autumn has freeze vision instead of heat vision and, instead of relying on the goodwill of strangers, Autumn kills her own stalkers, thank you very much!
Professor Well Actually
November 5th, 2025 at 6:21 am Reply
RMMD: Augie has been presented as the ultimate nice guy–so nice he would rather grade papers than jump her bones but refused to mention his amateur sleuth was based on Summer? Really?
Banana Jr. 6000
November 5th, 2025 at 6:05 am Reply
RMMD: Now here’s something you’ll never see in Funky Winkerbean: characters getting angry that their local self-deluded writer is using their lives as props.
BigTed
November 5th, 2025 at 6:47 am Reply
Rex Morgan: “So — this isn’t me — but it is me!?! What’s the deal, Hannah-Barbera?” said Jackie Gleason, the first time he saw Fred Flintstone.
Tabby Lavalamp
November 5th, 2025 at 6:10 am Reply
Authors will take traits from actual folks they know and use them in characters they’re writing because it helps flesh them out into feeling like real people, Summer. I would take umbrage though with how lazy it is to just change “Summer” to “Autumn.” The guy’s a hack, dump him.
Voshkod
November 5th, 2025 at 6:50 am Reply
“This isn’t me – but it is me? Am I me or am I Autumn Rook? Am I real or am I a weak character in a thinly plotted book? What’s real anymore?”
Apparently creating a existential crisis is easy when your target is stupid.
Dick Biter
November 5th, 2025 at 4:50 am Reply
RMMD: Just wait until she gets to the part about Autumn Rook’s nipples.
FC: And when you start jacking off, Jeffy, you will have to pull his head outdoors.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukulele Ike
November 5th, 2025 at 6:05 am Reply
GA: They’ve been fucking in the meat cooler, I know it.
Rube
November 5th, 2025 at 6:08 am Reply
Dustin Not only does this kid’s mom probably have a tattoo, his grandmother probably has a tattoo. The creators of this crap honestly can’t imagine anyone not being a bitter old man, can they?
You’re a Plugger if you think that “women take a long time to get dressed” is original and specific to Pluggers, rather than something that was tired when it appeared in an Esquire cartoon about Manhattan socialites in 1935.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Charterstoned
November 6th, 2025 at 5:23 am Reply
MW: “What a PRETTY BIRD you are! What are you doing in a place like this?”
Toby, desperate for a date, tries to pick up the parrot using the same line Ian first used on her.
MKay
November 6th, 2025 at 4:50 am Reply
MW: If the parrot doesn’t even know its lines, this whole thing is just going to be STUPID.
BB: With all of the money he pockets selling the Army’s food on the black market, Cookie could surely spring for a little manscaping.
Bob Tice
November 6th, 2025 at 4:34 am Reply
Beetle Bailey:
Cookie’s habitually-exposed upper arm hair makes the prospect of eating his offerings especially exciting.
Hibbleton
November 6th, 2025 at 4:36 am Reply
B. Bailey: When a glutton like Sarge will eat any slop you put in front of him, it’s hard to get motivated.
FC: I know a lot of parents take the lock off the bathroom door when their children are toddlers but the Keanes might want to revisit that policy if Dolly makes it a habit to watch Jeffy taking a shit.
Guillermo el Chiclero
November 6th, 2025 at 7:11 am Reply
FC: Mommy, Jeffy’s flushing his poop down the sink again!
FC: Mommy, Billy’s masturbating in the shower again!
FC: Daddy, Mommy’s passed out drunk in the bathtub again!
I speak Jive
November 6th, 2025 at 10:11 am Reply
FC – Mommy! Jeffy has his hands around my throat – gggaakkk!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
The Quiet Man
November 6th, 2025 at 4:31 am Reply
RMMD: “You sound really upset! It’s honestly kind of a turnon, my heart is all aflutter!”
treetown
November 6th, 2025 at 5:24 am Reply
RMMD: You write what you know. Augie knows this situation.
Liam
November 7th, 2025 at 4:33 am Reply
FC-“Are you sure you’re not here for my mommy instead?”
Hibbleton
November 7th, 2025 at 6:19 am Reply
FC: “I’m the BOY and Jeffy’s the SHITTER. Don’t even ask what we call Dolly.”
The Quiet Man
November 7th, 2025 at 4:52 am Reply
RMMD: Good grief, Blondie! That ponytail must be giving you a brain bleed because you are approaching Toby, or dare I say Luann, levels of intelligence here. This guy stole your traumatizing experience to make bank and, to add insult to injury, would apparently rather ‘grade papers’ than service you! If you don’t smack him full in the face with that 300 page slashfic the next time you see him, you deserve whatever’s coming to you.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
seismic-2
November 7th, 2025 at 4:35 am Reply
MW: Toby to Bird: “I’ll call you ‘Sunny’, because you like sunflower seeds!”
Bird to Toby: “And I’ll call you ‘Sunny’ too, because when I look into one of your ears I can see the sun shining into the other one!”
Ukranazi Stepan
November 7th, 2025 at 4:57 am Reply
You’d think a chirping parrot would be called “Chirp”.
MKay
November 7th, 2025 at 5:13 am Reply
MW: Oh, I get it. The parrot is actually SAYING the word “Chirp” ironically. He can also say, “Tweet,” “Whoo,” and “Cluck Cluck,” which will confuse the crap out of Toby.
Ettorre
November 7th, 2025 at 5:21 am Reply
“I’ll call you Sunny, because you like sunflower seeds! I guess they should call me… Alcoholy! Ahahaha! Well, actually Mary insists that calling myself an alcoholic would be a first step or something like that”
Charterstoned
November 7th, 2025 at 5:19 am Reply
MW: Sunny, whose real name is Sonny, is a pet bird taking flight from his mafia boss owner and the mobsters who are out to kill him, who is desperately hoping to turn state’s evidence to get into a witness protection program under an assumed name. He’s already singing like a canary.
I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV
November 7th, 2025 at 5:21 am Reply
Mary Worth: I kind of enjoy the idea that Toby experiences non-comic time, just sitting there day after day, blankly staring at this parrot as nothing comes to mind for a name. I mean, I really enjoy it. If we have to suffer through Mary Worth’s endless foot-dragging, so should its characters.
Hibbleton
November 7th, 2025 at 4:38 am Reply
MW:
Most people: “You are not a native species. Maybe we should try and find your owner so you don’t die of exposure.”
Toby: “Have a nice day.”
Blondie: I don’t blame Dagwood for dismissing a doctor whose response to microscopy is “Yikes!” and “Yucky!”
Chance
November 7th, 2025 at 4:46 am Reply
Kudos to Lou for being thematically consistent by mounting the TV where it can be seen by him alone, and not the customers at the counter. He doesn’t respect his clientele’s taste buds or gastrointestinal needs, so why should he care if they’re entertained? Let them watch him watching TV while his terrible food burns!
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Ettorre
November 2nd, 2025 at 6:48 am Reply
After proclaiming his love, Jeff’s left hand is daring to go downward, wanting to explore the undiscovered country! Sorry Jeff, your love might be here to stay, but not here to advance!
69. Guy Nerdlinger
November 5th, 2025 at 7:17 am Reply
FC That turtle looks like he’s well into his third martini.