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What’s that? You are ready for your comment of the week? Well, good news, here it is!

“Mary gave me enough of her delicious turkey stew for days! Every day for most of last week, in fact. She just wouldn’t stop. Every day I said I’d had enough, but she just kept bringing the stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came by right now, just to give me more. She’s not well, son. So, how many bowls do you want? Three, maybe?” –made of wince

And here, as always, are your hilarious runners up!

“The look on Margaret’s mother’s face says ‘A bunch of young children have shown up to use my new, deep pool. Time to make myself scarce!’” –nescio

“If Loretta really is pretending to be much younger than she is, I have to admire her commitment to the concept. That mini-dress looks drafty, and also as if sitting would be a challenge.” –Poteet

“Man, this is one manly house: the exterior is brick, the inside walls are steel and counters are brass. No soft surfaces here! Just testosterone and loneliness.” –pugfuggly

“There is absolutely no way that’s the real Dr. Drew. Don’t ask me how I know and if you tell anyone I said so, I’ll deny it, but he’s put together all wrong. That is, at best, a wax replica that Dr. Jeff talks to so he’s not lonely (it spends the ‘work day’ shoved in a linen closet).” –Bunivasal

“I like how the outside lettering has DONUTS under HOLE FOODS to fool the authorities into not realizing what goes on within the establishment. Once inside, though, DONUTS (or, more accurately, STUNOD) has disappeared from the inside of the window. People like Funky, a stolid member of Asshole Anatomy, know what kind of food he’ll soon be munching on.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Good thing it’s AA or this kid would be even more confused to learn his surname.” –Truckosaurus

“I am thinking about all the grandmothers reading Mary Worth this morning nodding and saying to themselves, ‘Yes, hobbies are healthy. I wish my grandson would understand that.’ And then they go back to thinking about how they can get a microwave recessed directly into a wood-paneled wall like that nice Dr. Jeff.” –pastordan

“Who do you think’s been watching the house, pretending to be me? That’s right, Natalia Bordonova, a master of disguise with the SVR. And who do you think’s been pretending to be Sam Driver? Yep, you guessed, Ivan Dornovsky, Russian FSB, assigned to keep tabs on Bordonova as she kept tabs on you. Katherine Parker? Actually Yvonne de Gaulle, one of the best DGSE agents Paris can field. She was watching Dornovsky. Given that, it’s no surprise that MI-6 pulled Seamus St. John Smythe out of retirement to pretend to be Judge Parker, so he could keep an eye on de Gaulle. That led Mossad to put Sarah Mendelson into the role of Abbey Spencer, and that caused Iran to put Mohammed al-Midi from the IRGC into play as a Sophie (he’s really good). All to keep an eye on you. Yes, you’ve blown your cover as Randy Parker, or should I say Helmut von Schmidt of the German Bundesnachrichtendienst. And who am I? Some call me April, but really I’m Mae Kildare of the Irish Stiúrthóireacht na Faisnéise, and honestly I’ve forgotten who I’m supposed to be watching. Spying is hard, Randy. I mean Helmut.” –Voshkod

“I have a pretty decent following. Not sizable, you understand, but well-behaved.” –Joe Blevins

“Now this is the kind of nail-biting action we love in Dick Tracy. The sinister Ace of Spades is willing to offer a cancellation fee, but will the nefarious Abner Kadaver also be able to secure his per diem? Or will these two malevolent masterminds be forced to engage the diabolical services of [thundercrash] third-party arbitration to settle their disputes over fair compensation?” –jroggs

“For as large as an organization as The Apparatus presumably is, I appreciate that you can discuss the cancellation of a murder contract in person. I would have assumed that the call would just be routed through an automated customer service tree: ‘Cancellation… CANCELLATION!!!’ ‘Canceling your order for filling pick tracing.’ ‘REPRESENTATIVE!!!’” –Quiggle

“BROKE: Being surprised that Hootin’ Holler has come to accept UN festivities
WOKE: Being surprised that Hootin’ Holler has come to accept the Gregorian calendar” –Ettore, on Twitter

“It’s not as if those cheap shovels could make a dent in the hard, hard Hootin’ Holler soil anyway. If it were soft enough fer diggin’, it would be soft enough fer farmin’ and not starvin’.” –BigTed

“Judging by that woman’s lethargic approach to jumping rope, this gym seems perfectly suited to both the Lockhorns’ fitness level and the amount of effort they’re willing to expend.” –Doctor Moreau

“Judging by his monologue, this is the first AA meeting Funky’s attended since the pandemic started. I assume someone ‘forgot’ to send him the Zoom link when they moved the meetings online. I also assume that person is currently listening to Funky and thinking, ‘I made the right call.’” –Mr. A

“I’m confused by Zane. Is he too poor to get a haircut or did he spend all his money getting a designer haircut?” –N.L. Urker, the Phillips screwdriver of the gods

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