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Don’t be nervous about this unlucky Friday the 13th! Just like every Friday, we pick one lucky commenter and acknowledge them as the top commenter … of the week.

“Obviously ‘I’m going to take two weeks to interview hurricane survivors in Tampa and then a solid month in Cancun’ means Wilbur is running drugs, but everyone’s like ‘Yeah you’re fleeing from your public humiliations, makes sense’ even though he hasn’t been publicly humiliated for at least three storylines. He’s got the perfect cover story! He’s a criminal mastermind!” –matt w

The runners up are also very funny! You cannot deny this!

“Too many cringe memories. Like the time Mary talked me down from suicide? Pretty sus, y’all!” –Dan

“Wilbur’s words indicate that he’s learned from his mistakes and needs time to really reflect on the direction of his life. Wilbur not telling Dawn that he’s leaving for at least a month until he’s hastily throwing a few things in a duffel bag while keeping one eye on his Uber driver’s ETA indicate that he has not in fact learned a thing.” –TheDiva

“Dating a predatory wolf furry with huge boobs and a miniskirt is only the second most perverse part of Suburban Fairy Tales. The winner by a long shot is Third Pig’s horrible vest, running shorts and leather gloves combo.” –Schroduck

“Apparently Hi and Lois spend most of their alone time propped up on huge pillows, watching a TV placed prominently at the foot of their bed. Which is probably a good thing — considering the decade-and-a-half age range of their children, it’s not like they put a lot of thought into family planning during the rare nights when they turn off Kimmel.” –BigTed

“Our office is having a photography contest! Rules? There’s only one rule: no kids. Anything else, fine and dandy. Photos of the victims chained in your cellar? Hey, sounds swell! You’ll be competing with my elder abuse series, though, so you’d better be good.” –BeckoningChasm

“Dawn wants only ethical food to consume. Mary can no longer enjoy food without the taste of cruelty and the suffering of others. How will she resolve this wacky conflict? Eating Dawn is the obvious solution, but Dawn isn’t self-aware enough to feel suffering. It’s quite a conundrum for our eldritch abomination protagonist.” –Old Man Shadow

“Wilbur is out of town for Dawn’s storyline, just like she was for Wilbur’s storyline. It looks like their actors had a huge quarrel and now they cannot stand to be on set at the same time — their shared scenes at departure and return are filmed separately on green screen and combined in post.” –Ettore Costa, on BlueSky

“Dennis is an ageless being, millions of years old. He was there when the first archaic gymnosperm tree put out a tentative stunted seedling in the dark soil of Carboniferous era. An impossibly ancient creature, almost as old as the average Dennis the Menace reader.” –Schroduck

“I actually had trouble figuring out initially whether the oven mitts were part of whatever glop Mary cooked … I thought ‘Did Mary cook this woman a HAM? The new vegan???’ But then I realized that couldn’t be right, because the ham would have looked semi-appetizing and, well, also have been the correct color, neither of which seem to be actual strong points of Mary’s cooking.” –LTJpezcore1

“Jesus, just look at Hi’s panicked expression. It’s not just that he has no other ideas for gifts, it’s that he can’t even conceive of any. ‘Ok, ok … it’s winter … I could get them something warm … and colorful … that they could wear around the house on their fee– SHIT NO THAT’S SOCKS AGAIN EVERYTHING IS SOCKS!” –pugfuggly

“But … but you don’t have to type in ‘Add to cart.’ You just click the button that says ‘Add to cart.’ Is bird-lady up there shopping in a text-adventure game from 1987? Is she buying grues? the Coconut of Quendor? (I’d love to stick around to see if there’s an answer to these questions, but apparently I’m needed back at the old-folks’ home for whittling lessons.)” –els

“Josh might not appreciate the humor in this strip, but all across this fine nation many a 62 year-old or so office manager is chuckling lightly as they sip from their 1990s era Cathy ‘I Shop, Therefore I Am … Broke’ novelty coffee mugs originally bought at a Spencer’s in the mall.” –Philip

“The new Gil Thorp art leaves a lot to be desired but I can get used to it if it keeps depicting what appears to be a football player pooping out a football.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I’m not convinced Sarge knows the word ‘effigy.’ He may be assuming it’s a fancy way of saying ‘his sleep.’” –Steph

“Sarge is right to be concerned. His troops will soon turn to actual human sacrifice when their burning a mere replica proves insufficient to stop the progress of history’s fastest lunar eclipse.” –seismic-2

“‘It’s easy for you to say now after all of that is behind you.’ ‘It wasn’t easy at all at the time, dummy! But it’s easy now that it’s all behind me! So there!’ ‘That’s what I just– you’re not even listening to– look, just tell me what I have to say to get you to leave.’” –jroggs

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