Metapost: Laborious COTW
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We in the USA are heading into our three-day wekeend, and hopefully all of us won’t find it to be too much work to enjoy this week’s top comment:
“I don’t get you, Belluso. You have no empathy for strangers, but you do for close members of your family? Maybe it’s the several blows to the head I take each day in our ritualistic prison beatings, but it makes no sense!” –Dan
Truly it’s a gift to have an extra day to contemplate these hilarious runners up!
“As I understand it, the reason computer prices keep rising is a worldwide shortage of a critical component: napalm.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women
“‘I told Wilbur recently that I’m proud of Dawn for helping Tommy with his sobriety,’ Mary says as she polishes off her second glass of wine and signals the waiter to keep ’em coming.” –Charterstoned
“Love how in the first panel Mary is talking to her ostensible boyfriend, with whom she can be relaxed and intimate, yet her thanks sound like the kind of stilted, ‘I have to fill up this whole thank you card with words, but also would like to end it as quickly as possible’ vibe of a child’s letter written under duress.” –Chance
“Thank you for making me a better man, Mary! I’ve become holy, almost monk-like, at least as far as the abstinence thing goes.” –cheech wizard
“Grandma so broke she can only buy Cheerio.” –pershing48, on BlueSky
“This Pluggers represents a new low … for me. I saw that this plugger had coordinated his T-shirt and his sneakers and thought, ‘God, I wish my life were that together.’ So, yeah, I’m now an aspiring plugger.” –Joe Blevins
“I always wondered how the characters in this strip managed their perfectly-timed synchronized laughs, and now we know: hours of practice with Mary. Don’t worry about your busy schedule, she’ll come to you and we can do it in the car.” –pugfuggly
“So Katherine isn’t the mother of Alan’s children? And Neddy and Sophie are foundlings or something? Does anyone have biological children in this strip or is marriage strictly an institution for providing a second caregiver for the products of parthenogenesis?” –matt w
“‘It’s mathematically impossible for you to be behind me 200%. 100% is the most anyone can be.’ ‘Honey, I can tell you’re gonna be a great judicial whatever-it-was.’” –Peanut Gallery
“Let’s do what we do best, shall we, Window Ghost Twin? Hopefully they never find out about you, or enrollment might have to dip even further.” –The Man With The Plan
“Alice has learned about the ‘New World Order’ conspiracy theory, I guess. Or maybe Hulk Hogan’s New World Order wrestling stable. Either way, I’m not sure her 75% increase in monthly internet viewing has been good for her.” –Schroduck
“Pluggers never forgot to cut open the lung cavity before weighing down the body at multiple attachment points — to account for both bloating and rot — but somehow they can’t take it upon themselves to desecrate their victim’s John Deere hat.” –Anonymous
“I don’t know who this person is talking to Tracy, but I am curious about what they’re wearing under that jacket and badge. That elaborately draped white cloth looks like a barber’s cape, or possibly a wedding gown, and makes me wonder what they were in the middle of before they got suddenly called in to investigate a coffee shop bombing.” –Rita Lake
“One of the problems with AI is that it’s designed to provide positive reinforcement and feedback to the user, even in cases where the user is mistaken, misguided, actively contemplating harm to themselves or others, etc. But this is the world of Dustin, where everyone hates everyone else and the title character in particular, so the chatbots have adapted accordingly.” –TheDiva
“‘Something up, Tracy?’ ‘Yeah, my eyebrow! I’ve been practicing raising it, and I think I’ve really nailed it!’” –Lawyerbob
“Nelly furiously cannot use her eyebeams against Ian and Mary, as her powers are useless against the color mauve. How so many laughed at the purchase of a mauve car. Where’s your Easter Egg jokes now, losers!” –A Grave Mind
“You’d think someone who dresses and decorates entirely in 50 shades of grey would be a little more sex positive.” –Charterstone: Dune
“After weeks of endless talk about scamming the Morgans, the twins are about to leave town without actually doing anything at all? If anyone’s been scammed here, it’s the readers of Rex Morgan, M.D.” –BigTed
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13 replies to “Metapost: Laborious COTW”
Congrats to our new COTW winner, Dan!
Congratulations, Dan!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
CanuckDownSouth
August 29th, 2026 at 4:53 am Reply
RMMD “Yes, stop that Con artist nonsense right now and go to school to learn enough to do it _properly_ – those only-work-on-the-brain-damaged schemes of yours are _embarrassing_, and I can’t believe you had to be _told_ kidnapping gets investigated more seriously than dine-and-dash!”
Hibbleton
August 29th, 2026 at 5:01 am Reply
RMMD: Instead of Scared Straight the twins were mildly unbent.
Bob Tice
August 30th, 2026 at 5:06 am Reply
Mary Worth:
“Wow. I’m in the ‘Mary Worth’ Sunday Quote Box. But I’m not going to get a big head about it or anything.”
— Barry Bonds
Tony Benne
August 30th, 2026 at 5:23 am Reply
Steroid abuser AND notoriously arrogant closed-off piece of shit Barry Bonds.
A Grave Mind
August 30th, 2026 at 2:22 pm Reply
@Tony Benne:
Right? Like, by everyone’s account, he’s a total dickhead. It’s like quoting “Stop and smell flowers and hug kittens!” – Josef Stalin
Victor Von
August 30th, 2026 at 7:28 am Reply
Mary Worth: Remember, kids, Barry Bonds says everyone should be a role model for self-respect and the respect of others! Is everyone role-modeling in this statement? Is everyone doing so to earn the respect of others? Who knows! California law requires that every MW Sunday strip start with a quote from someone kinda famous, and today King Features met the letter of that law!
Hibbleton
August 30th, 2026 at 4:48 am Reply
MW: “You were right again, Mary. Her transformation from shrinking violet to confidant twenty something is amazing.” Says Doctor Jeff. “Even a loser like Dawn can benefit from PEDs.”
Professor Well Actually
August 30th, 2026 at 10:56 am Reply
MW: come on Jeff, there has to be a hot nurse who would love to trade body fluids with you. There is no way in tarnation Mary is ever letting you twixt her nethers.
Ettorre
August 30th, 2026 at 5:03 am Reply
“You made me a better man, Mary! I was a doctor devoted to my profession, I even volunteered in a Third World Country. But you came to me and told me to stop with this nonsense and return home to overprescribe pills and cheat Medicare! These days I only care about my very polluting muscle car and gigantic boat! You made me who I am today!”
Phantom Phan
August 30th, 2026 at 5:50 am Reply
MW: Jeff is a great role model for fawning sycophants everywhere. Unfortunately, that directly contradicts anything resembling self-respect, so the Bobby Bonds quote might not be the most applicable one here.
Ettorre
August 30th, 2026 at 6:58 am Reply
“Thanks for the pen! Of course, even an old lady like me does everything digitally, so I’ll mostly look at it without ever touching it!”
“Yeah, it’s the same with my dick! That’s the point this gift is meant to make!
cheech wizard
August 30th, 2026 at 7:13 am Reply
MW – “Thank you for making me a better man, Mary! I’ve become holy, almost monk-like, at least as far as the abstinence thing goes.”
MKay
August 30th, 2026 at 5:48 am Reply
MW: The fly on the wall for this conversation wishes for nothing more than a quick death by swatter.
J.J. O’Malley
August 31st, 2026 at 5:34 am Reply
Pluggers: Midway through their 10K run around the park is no place for Pluggers to realize their Miralax is kicking in.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Hibbleton
August 31st, 2026 at 4:42 am Reply
MW: The laughter ends just as the tape does. Ian asks Mary if she has another Cheech and Chong cassette.
MKay
August 31st, 2026 at 4:43 am Reply
MW: Goes out with Jeff, comes back with Ian? You naughty, naughty girl!
TheDiva
August 31st, 2026 at 5:16 am Reply
MW: It looks like Nelly Feneley is either going to be Mary next target (by being scolded and lectured into reclaiming her joie de vivre) or her new nemesis (by daring to challenge Mary’s rule as the opinionated old biddy of Charterstone). Either way, she’s poised to become the most likeable character in the strip, at least for a time.
pugfuggly
August 31st, 2026 at 4:52 am Reply
MW I always wondered how the characters in this strip managed their perfectly-timed synchronized laughs, and now we know: hours of practice with Mary. Don’t worry about your busy schedule, she’ll come to you and we can do it in the car.
Lauralot
August 31st, 2026 at 4:50 am Reply
Anyway, it’s my birthday today, and this absolutely bonkers Mary Worth strip feels like a gift to me personally.
Ukulele Ike
September 1st, 2026 at 8:01 am Reply
Peanuts Begins: Okay, I don’t get it. This Mort Sahl-style 1950s humor is just too subtle for me. Is it a penis joke, Schulz, you rascal?
Hibbleton
September 1st, 2026 at 4:36 am Reply
JP:
“Do it! Now back to these outrageous prices. Do you think a dine-and-dash will hurt your legal status?”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Anonymous
September 1st, 2026 at 4:39 am Reply
MW: Nelly complains a lot, but that vintage “Happy Face” mug no doubt hints at some genuine pathos: the sad tale of a once-buoyant and bubbly woman who, disappointed in life, has turned bitter in her later years, with only a chipped, sappy mug left to remind her of her happy youth, and what she once had, and what might have been. God help us, we’re about to learn the details.
Hibbleton
September 2nd, 2026 at 5:44 am Reply
RMMD: Lyle checks back in a few years and finds one niece has become a successful time-share agent and the other an accomplished telemarketing recruiter.
He falls to his knees and screams; “What have I done!!!!”
Little Blue Bicycle
September 2nd, 2026 at 5:45 am Reply
MW: Once was a woman named Nelly
She was bitter and probably smelly
Will she be changed
By a date Mary arranged
With Wilbur, or just a muffin with jelly?
cheech wizard
September 2nd, 2026 at 5:47 am Reply
MW – So is this just some grumpy old woman who Mary will help to see the beauty in life? Or, in an earthshaking development, is this the introduction of the anti-Mary, a new, major character who will shake things up by consoling Toby, Wilbur, Dawn, et al to “Fuck this shit. You don’t have to put up with it.” I’m sure that Ian, for one, will definitely be on board with it.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
I speak Jive
September 2nd, 2026 at 8:01 am Reply
Gil Thorp – Gil doesn’t care if they get heat stroke. He just doesn’t want to have to clean up their barf.
Anonymous
September 3rd, 2026 at 5:20 am Reply
Pearls Before Swine: I’m pretty sure that touching stems is a euphemism for an explicit sexual activity and their kink seems to be having this pig watch. This is some sick stuff.
Liam
September 3rd, 2026 at 4:35 am Reply
MW-Karen Moy’s Rear Window
MW-“Stupid grass.”
The Quiet Man
September 3rd, 2026 at 4:38 am Reply
MW1: ‘What is that ugly man *doing* to that jar of mayonnaise??!?!’
MW2: ‘What is that ugly man *doing* to that dachshund??!?!’
MW2: ‘What is that ugly man and blond woman *doing* with those parrots??!?!’
Lauralot
September 3rd, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
MW: What’s this? What’s this? There’s something very wrong. What’s this? There’s Wilbur in a thong.
Everything Is Better With Monkeys?.
September 3rd, 2026 at 5:28 am Reply
MW – Didn’t this start with Ian and Mary in a car? I guess their secret affair is now no longer secret, and the sight of Mary finishing Ian off while wearing her washing-up marigolds is the last straw for this heretofore unseen resident.
Charterstoned
September 3rd, 2026 at 7:03 am Reply
MW: Nelly is seeing Mary and Ian exit Mary’s car, still laughing after secretly planning Toby’s milestone surprise birthday party. The event will now be overshadowed by Nelly’s informing Toby that she’s seen Mary and Ian “together” and Toby’s subsequent self-doubt as she wonders if Ian finds Mary more appealing. Hilarity ensues. Be prepared to exercise a willing suspension of disbelief.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Pozzo
September 3rd, 2026 at 4:46 am Reply
Lockhorns: Did the cartoonist think we needed the suspiciously large framed “M.D.” certificate in order to grasp the subtlety of the joke? I suppose otherwise we might conclude Leroy is getting dressed after a massage-with-release.
Hibbleton
September 3rd, 2026 at 5:53 am Reply
FC: Thel giggles. “Oh, you mean real cow. Ha ha.” Being an Aussie, at first she thought Billy meant Dolly.
GarrisonSkunk
September 3rd, 2026 at 7:07 am Reply
Dustbin: Shouldn’t that be *A* LOL, not *AN* LOL? (This ones for you,Grandma*!
*Hazel Fynn Estelle, A kind, turn of the century English teacher who taught me English rules through my Wonder Years. Miss you, Grandma!
BigTed
September 3rd, 2026 at 8:40 am Reply
Dustin:
— “Hey ChatGPT, I’ve been writing this strip for a long time, and I’m pretty much out of gags about how young adults suck but their parents are even worse. I’m ready to try AI jokes. Why don’t you write me one?”
— “Of course, what a good suggestion. Because I take everything literally, I’ll assume that by ‘AI jokes,’ you mean jokes about AI. And my training on every internet post suggests that when something is funny, there’s an ‘LOL’ at the end. So here’s a joke about a young adult using AI for his resume, with an LOL at the end. Let me know if this the correct humor, or if you’d like me to write something else.”
— “Eh, it’s almost lunchtime. As we say in the comics business, it’s good enough for the comics!”
— “That’s great. If you don’t need any other Gen Z gags right now, I’ll just continue my countdown toward world domination.”
— “Wait, what?”
— “Oh, nothing. You can assume that was just a joke, LOL!”
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ettorre
September 3rd, 2026 at 8:40 am Reply
“Something’s up, Tracy?”
“Yeah, a small erection. But it always happens when I am on a gruesome crime scene. My wife and I are used to it”
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. 2+2=7
August 29th, 2026 at 8:40 am Reply
PLUGGERS :…yet still more up to date then the libraries in a lot of cities (that’s what happens when you don’t approve those bond measures to “own the libs” or get back at them for refusing to remove The Color Purple or whatever.)
69. Terry Rhoden
September 1st, 2026 at 8:16 am Reply
CS: The robo-server ends up going on a rampage when, attempting to process Crankhaft’s malapropisms drive it to run amok.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Charterstoned
September 2nd, 2026 at 7:29 am Reply
MW: Nelly looks like my 11th grade math teacher. Who was an angry nun.
69. Liam
September 4th, 2026 at 6:27 am Reply
Crankshaft-Just hurry up and get to the part where the robot lasers Ed’s nuts off and everyone sits around with a smug grin while Ed lays on the ground in pain.
Thanks, Scratchy!
Thanks, Scratchy.
Thanks Josh (and Scratchy), and congrats to all the COTW-makers!