Metapost: Quick ‘n’ dirty COTW
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No fuss no muss just THIS WEEK’S TOP COMMENT
“I couldn’t understand how these four sentences could constitute a joke, or even a coherent series of statements, until I suddenly solved the puzzle: you’re supposed to read the panels in reverse order! Check it out: ‘Some opinions are but a grain of sand on the beach. However, in the grand scheme of things… I think everyone is entitled to speak their minds… and that’s the way I think we should run this country!’ Now all of a sudden there is a logical order of thought — initial observation, followed by counterpoint, clarification, and conclusion/call to action. The ‘joke’ is that Herbert is literally experiencing life backwards, yet he has a forward-thinking perspective on the social contract.” –Franklin Delano Loafing
And your hilarious runners up!
“Slylock dresses as a rat because, like Robby, rats are criminals. Every one of them. And shrews, also biologically crooked. Subscribe to his substack and listen to his weekly podcast ‘Shut Up, Max, I’m Talking,’ but only if you can handle the TRUTH!” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys
“‘Hey, I know you!’ ‘Max, it’s me. Slylock.’ ‘Right! Slylock Fox from the funny pages! Wow!’ ‘Max, we see each other every day.’ ‘Can I have your autograph?’ ‘Max, I … you know what? Sure. Let me get a pen.’” –Joe Blevins
“Going to stop reading today’s Mary Worth after the first panel and imagine where it might go from there. ‘What a bombshell from Tommy! But I suppose troubled dreams can bring on all sorts of changes.’” –Dan
“The Perfesser dully encourages his elderly fellow barfly to keep drinking, heedless of his health, so he doesn’t have to stay at the bar alone. This took Eugene O’Neill four acts.” –matt w
“Sometimes a carrot being stroked by an elderly woman is just a carrot being stroked by an elderly woman, get your minds out of the gutter, everybody! [IMAGE SAVED]” –A Grave Mind
“Just imagining that Air Bud moment when Rudy‘s owner tries to convince the track association that actually there’s no rule that says you can’t ride an ostrich, before the official taps the top of the page where the words HORSE RACING are in large bold font.” –pugfuggly
“Comic strips are written with the intention of being published on set days of the week. Did the Monday strip really need to announce it’s taking place on ‘Wander Wednesday’? ‘Meander Monday’ was right there.” –Rube
“Wait, the Devil keeps an ‘author’ sign on his own desk? I feel that more exploration of this ‘Satan overcompensates for his crippling insecurity’ theme is needed.” –Dmsilev
“So judging by that sign this is taking place at the Akron Comic-Con, and yet two of these children are just dressed as, like, generic witches and magical princesses? Halloween’s over, kids, this is Comic-Con! Be like your friend and show off your loyalty to the licensed properties that have dominated the media landscape since before you were born!” –Vulpes
“I think it’s well established by now that Marvin’s family pay only a token amount of attention to him for establishing plausible deniability and otherwise just let him roam free so he gets killed by a wild animal or exposure to the elements or something. It hasn’t worked so far, but hope springs eternal.” –ectojazzmage
“This is the second time in as many weeks we’ve been forced to contemplate Dustin’s dad in the nude. I believe in not kinkshaming but I actually think I’m gonna shame this one a little.” –Navigator
“Like all computers, the one in Crankshaft is sentient and capable of holding a conversation. But I guess in recognition of its extreme age it uses weird folksy English like ‘it was mainframes that helped.’ What other clever bits of worldbuilding are hidden in this comic? Is the Spider-man logo having the legs on the wrong body part one of them? Please, I need some explanation for why this was made.” –pachoo
“Some opinions are but a grain of sand on the beach. But some opinions are not. Mine, for instance.” –Peanut Gallery
“It appears that in order to justify his deep loathing of his own son, Marvin’s dad has given him a cap of the opposite color to his own, presumably meant to suggest that he put the hat of a rival team on his head as an excuse to not look at Marvin for as long as possible.” –InvasionOfTheZIM
“If you’re a plugger and you’re hurting wear a shirt!
If you’re a plugger and you’re hurting wear a shirt!
If you’re a plugger and you’re hurting and you really want to blurt it,
If you’re a plugger and you’re hurting wear a shirt!” –Tabby Lavalamp“What they’re not showing is the back of the shirt, which reads ‘DNR.’” –Old School Allie Cat
“Like many suburban dads, Marvin’s father is unaccountably mad that Jay-Z chose himself to be the halftime performer at next year’s Super Bowl. ‘Self-dealing is wrong! Well, I’ll show him — I’m going to spend his entire set knee-deep in my filthy son’s diapers! Oh, Beyoncé might appear? Never mind.’”–BigTed
“Clearly the Wodehouses fully exsanguinated Nurse Zippy to transfuse Wendell Wodehouse VI before dumping her into ye olde industrial canal. That should buy him another 2-3 weeks of agonizing infirmity.” –Charterstone: Dune
“‘How can a kid get in trouble in the middle of a desert?’ I dunno man, maybe because IT’S A FUCKING DESERT? YOU KNOW, THE HOTTEST, DRIEST, DEADEST PLACES ON EARTH?” –Schroduck
“When partners on the force trust each other, they don’t even have to say, ‘That’s what she said.’ It’s just understood.” –Anonymous
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12 replies to “Metapost: Quick ‘n’ dirty COTW”
Congratulations, Franklin!
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Bob Tice
October 31st, 2026 at 4:31 am Reply
MW:
There once was a crone named Feneley
Whose last name morphed into “Fenele”
The spelling has changed! —
It’s made us deranged
And has us all shouting, “Whoa Nelly!”
matt w
October 31st, 2026 at 4:32 am Reply
Mary realizes, with horror, that her reputation has been ruined by a character from Shirley Ellis’s 1964 hit “The Name Game.”
Charterstoned
October 31st, 2026 at 6:01 am Reply
MW: Tommy misspelling Nelly’s last name in his verbal reply makes me wonder if he’s also pronouncing it differently. Maybe he’s saying FenEEL rather than FeNELLEE. Maybe he’s thinking about Freda’s sale on FENNEL. Are they in the produce aisle?
Maltmash3r
October 31st, 2026 at 6:25 am Reply
MW- with a name like Nelly Fennele, she can deny it by saying she was only lip syncing the accusations
MKay
October 31st, 2026 at 4:54 am Reply
MW: If we knew that this was going to end with Nelly getting kneecapped, this would be worth the tedium. But it’s just going to be all muffins and reproval.
pugfuggly
October 31st, 2026 at 5:00 am Reply
MW: Mary tried to hide her shock but it looks like it came right out her nose. What do you think that sounded like? A slide whistle? Maybe an old-timey bicycle horn.
BigTed
October 31st, 2026 at 8:48 am Reply
Mary Worth: “By the way, I know it was just crazy gossip. That’s why I passed it on to everyone in town! You don’t mind, do you? Hey, Mary, put down those soup cans!”
Lauralot
October 31st, 2026 at 4:44 am Reply
RMMD: It’s not every day you see the worst thing you’ll ever see.
Hibbleton
October 31st, 2026 at 6:31 am Reply
RMMD: Rex’s Thing costume for Halloween entails covering his body totally in black except for his bare right hand. His Trick and Treat prostate exam is very popular at ‘the club’.
Ukulele Ike
October 31st, 2026 at 6:57 am Reply
RMMD: Those two were stringing Buck along the entire week. Corey was planning on going in drag from day one.
Baja Gaijin
October 31st, 2026 at 8:30 am Reply
Rex Morgan: AAAAHHHH!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE WARN ME!!!! Damn, the final panel. So scary. What’s that frightful thing next to Shrunken Gomez and Willowy Morticia? EWww. I hope they don’t sell that costume at Spirit Halloween. I don’t want to run into that thing in a dark alley, or even bright daylight.
I speak Jive
October 31st, 2026 at 7:42 am Reply
Gil Thorp – If the intent is to scare readers with something horrific, they could just run the usual artwork without bothering with costumes.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
nescio
November 1st, 2026 at 5:31 am Reply
Well, looks like Slylock keeps a box of tissues and a tub of Vaseline in the bottom of his nightstand. That’s more than I needed to know.
matt w
November 1st, 2026 at 5:50 am Reply
Slylock is dedicated to his work. Stuffing his lush, fluffy tail into that skinny rat tail costume is like wearing stiletto heels, for a fox.
Peanut Gallery
November 1st, 2026 at 7:10 am Reply
Slylock – “Meat Wagon” is slang for an ambulance. They don’t serve meat there, they just hook you up to an IV.
Bob Tice
November 1st, 2026 at 4:52 am Reply
MW:
“Now, as I understand it, she struggled so much with the question of whether the ‘Y’ at the end of her last name was functioning as a vowel or as a consonant that she decided that the best thing was to drop the whole letter altogether!”
Anonymous
November 1st, 2026 at 4:55 am Reply
MW: She’s like Ernst Blofeld, if Blofeld had a boyfriend with a severe cat allergy.
But What Do I Know?
November 1st, 2026 at 5:07 am Reply
MW — Someone must have been telling lies about Mary Worth, because one day a Charterstone resident awoke in her bed transformed into a giant rat.
“It’s the mashup of The Trial and The Metamorphosis I’ve always wanted to make happen! May it last for six weeks and make you truly miserable.” — Franz Kafka
TheDiva
November 1st, 2026 at 6:36 am Reply
MW: “I guess you don’t really know your neighbors” is more the thing you would say about, oh I don’t know, the people you talk to regularly who have been spreading lies behind your back, rather than the introvert you don’t interact with all that much.
UncleJeff
November 1st, 2026 at 7:25 am Reply
MW: The Moy/Brigman team blew it.
They had a chance to take the Mary’s Revenge Tour right up to a gruesome Halloween Saturday with Mary calling Nelly on Thursday, Mr. Allora sharpening his gardening tools on Friday, a screaming Nelly and Mary in the shadows on Saturday and Sunday panels of Mr. Allora towing garbage bags to the edge of the Charterstone property and a satisfied Mary sipping her tea while quoting something from Edgar Allan Poe.
richardf8
November 1st, 2026 at 7:31 am Reply
MW – That hypoallergenic cat plays the Supervillain’s Cat to perfection. I can’t remember its name though.
ectojazzmage
November 1st, 2026 at 8:19 am Reply
Mary Worth: As funny as “Mary killing people who wrong her” jokes are, she seems to have actually decided to deal with Nelly by just immediately giving up and going home, which is arguably just as funny. “Nelly Fenele spread rumors about me! I better keep my ass in this apartment… or I’m finished!!!”
Rube
November 1st, 2026 at 4:36 am Reply
Oh, Christ. Mary’s going to get Nelly a fucking dog, isn’t she?
Maude R. Fawker
November 1st, 2026 at 8:56 am Reply
@Rube: Oh, Christ. Mary’s going to get Nelly a fucking dog, isn’t she?
You can offer a dog peanut butter, and you can enjoy letting it hump your leg, but that’s about as far as the sexual encounter will go.
Horace Broon
November 1st, 2026 at 7:49 am Reply
RMMD: “Well, boys, that depends on what you mean by ‘fun’. Seriously, it’s not a word I use or even hear much, so I’m not totally clear on the definition.”
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 1st, 2026 at 4:18 pm Reply
RMMD: Terry Beatty tacitly admits that even the Morgans’ Halloween costumes were too boring to take up any panel space.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Ukulele Ike
November 1st, 2026 at 6:38 am Reply
JP: Neddy’s new hairstyle finally differentiates her from all the other women in the strip by something other than hair color. Usually called the “just fucked” look, hers is more the “haven’t shampooed in three weeks” look.
Charterstoned
November 2nd, 2026 at 4:37 am Reply
MW: That muffin top makes a fantastic carrot scrubber!
A Grave Mind
November 2nd, 2026 at 4:34 am Reply
Sometimes a carrot being stroked by an elderly woman is just a carrot being stroked by an elderly woman, get your minds out of the gutter, everybody!
Schroduck
November 2nd, 2026 at 4:38 am Reply
MW: Mary Worth strikes me as the kind of person who responds to any talk of global warming with “Actually I like it warm.”
Maltmash3r
November 2nd, 2026 at 5:17 am Reply
MW- we may not get a week of Mary Worship at the Bum Boat, as it would be pretty uncomfortable talking to Jeff about the latest plot.
‘What do you mean people thought you were boinking Ian? we’ve been dating for years and I still don’t know the color of your underwear!”
made of wince
November 2nd, 2026 at 5:51 am Reply
MW: Let that water pour on those carrots, Mary. Just go crazy. Leave that water running while you read a good book for several hours. That’s probably the most petty, wasteful thing you can possibly do without leaving home. Mild weather outside, torrential rains inside, it all balances out in the end.
Little Blue Bicycle
November 2nd, 2026 at 6:15 am Reply
MW: “Now to turn these healthy carrots into perfect squares of mystery food! I’ll start with the salmon shavings!”
I speak Jive
November 2nd, 2026 at 7:10 am Reply
Mary Worth – Now where did I put that Eye of Newt? Duh! It’s right where it should be – in the spice rack next to the Eye of Nelly.
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 2nd, 2026 at 7:54 am Reply
MW: Mary evidently prefers girth to length in regards to carrots, and I am bound and determined not to speculate about Ian in regards to this preference.
Little Guy
November 2nd, 2026 at 5:28 am Reply
GT: Herb Brooks, at the 1980 Winter Olympics, in the 2nd intermission of the final game of the Medal Group (not Gold Medal Game, since they did not have knock-out for that), gave the best locker room speech to the US Hockey Men’s Team, who were down a goal:
“If you lose this game, you’ll take it to your fucking graves.”
He then started to walk out, paused, turned back, and repeated:
“Your fucking graves.”
Your move, Lord God Thorp.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Anonymous
November 3rd, 2026 at 4:46 am Reply
Pluggers: He’s waddling because he just shit his pants.
Schroduck
November 3rd, 2026 at 4:59 am Reply
Dustin: I don’t want to know why both his hands are below the desk. Oh GOD I don’t want to know why both his hands are below the desk.
Bob Tice
November 3rd, 2026 at 4:34 am Reply
Dustin:
You just know that a great day is in store for you when you get to start it off by having a gander at Ed’s nipple-areola complex.
Tabby Lavalamp
November 3rd, 2026 at 4:59 am Reply
Last week we saw a side view of Dustin’s dad’s nipple and I cracked wise about it. Today we pay a terrible price for that. I am very sorry, world, and I will take whatever shunning you feel is fair.
taig
November 3rd, 2026 at 7:20 am Reply
Dustin: The lack of shrieking is a clue that this is Ed’s dream.
Navigator
November 3rd, 2026 at 8:17 am Reply
This is the second time in as many weeks we’ve been forced to contemplate Dustin’s dad in the nude. I believe in not kinkshaming but I actually think I’m gonna shame this one a little.
JustSomeGuy
November 3rd, 2026 at 9:20 pm Reply
I hate Dustin normally, but this day’s strip hits a new low.
GarrisonSkunk
November 4th, 2026 at 12:31 am Reply
Dustbin’s Dad lost his briefs?
Liam
November 3rd, 2026 at 6:09 am Reply
Dustin-“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m masturbating.”
Cab
November 3rd, 2026 at 8:32 am Reply
Marvin – Putting aside whether Marvin is verbal or not, I give him credit that unlike DustinDad, Marvin keeps his clothes on.
Hibbleton
November 3rd, 2026 at 4:37 am Reply
Marvin: Read the fine print, Marvin Mom, Apple™ Air tags dropped in a coat pocket are not a substitute for parental guidance.
nescio
November 3rd, 2026 at 4:38 am Reply
Marvin: Jenny specifically told the hit man she hired that the target would have a red coat.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
MKay
November 3rd, 2026 at 6:14 am Reply
MW: Mary’s distinctly uncharitable expression gives me hope for, “Charterstone: The Wrath of Worth.”
Charterstone: Dune
November 3rd, 2026 at 5:02 am Reply
MW: Speaking of facial expressions, Brigman’s panel 2 has perfectly captured the hate-induced fugue state Mary has entered to mindlessly cook up dozens and dozens of muffins. In fact, she’s entered such a flow state that there’s not one molecule of batter left in that bowl!
TheDiva
November 3rd, 2026 at 5:22 am Reply
MW: “Why can’t you gossip about your neighbors in a friendly way, like me?”
RMMD: It says a lot that a woman going to Goodwill is the most action this strip has seen in weeks.
Artist formerly known as Ben
November 4th, 2026 at 4:29 pm Reply
GT: For a brief, shining moment, Blatz thought that Gil was offering to take him to a strip club.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Lauralot
November 4th, 2026 at 4:48 am Reply
MW: Yes, yes, Mary is a perfect saint who can only pity the people who spread malicious rumors about her. We’ve more than established that, so may we please skip ahead to the part where Mary tries to give Nelly a basket of muffins and gets the door slammed in her face? Bonus points if Nelly insults Mary’s baking in the process.
Bob Tice
November 4th, 2026 at 4:46 am Reply
Mary Worth:
Why is Mary grinning coprophagously as she’s ideating “Unhappy people tend to take their unhappiness out on others…” ? What exactly is funny about that disheartening observation about human nature?
Charterstone: Dune
November 4th, 2026 at 4:42 am Reply
MW: What are we up to now, three dozen muffins? I guess Mary wants to get the balance of arsenic-to-bran just right for Nelly!
Maltmash3r
November 4th, 2026 at 4:55 am Reply
Wow, Nelly is living rent free in Mary’s head.
Schroduck
November 5th, 2026 at 4:41 am Reply
Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if your favourite T-shirt is an AI slop rip-off you bought from an scammer in a Facebook group for R.E.M. fans.
H&L: Is That Where Dogs Go To Die, the darker and edgier prequel to All Dogs Go To Heaven.
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Guillermo el chiclero
November 5th, 2026 at 4:43 am Reply
FC: That’s right, Dolly. Farm kids are lucky, getting up at 5 AM, endless chores from sun up to sundown regardless of summer heat or winter cold, back breaking work without pay, watching those cute animals get slaughtered. Those poor city kids with their part time jobs and disposable income don’t know what they’re missing.
Bob Tice
November 5th, 2026 at 4:48 am Reply
Marvin:
Which will come first? — Marvin’s becoming toilet-trained, or world peace?
TheDiva
November 5th, 2026 at 5:08 am Reply
Marvin: Jeff isn’t referring to Marvin’s diaper, but his own. He is not going to miss a second of this game even if he has to piss himself through every Draft King and Kalshi ad to do it!
MKay
November 5th, 2026 at 4:54 am Reply
MW: I totally get that strong-arming Nelly into contrition is Priority #1. But I can’t wait to see what Mary has planned for all of her “dear friends” who gleefully jumped on the Let’s Badmouth Mary bandwagon. Perhaps a nice little re-education camp?
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Liam
November 6th, 2026 at 4:33 am Reply
FC-“Way ahead of you,” Jeffy says pumping a shotgun.
Ukranazi Stepan
November 6th, 2026 at 4:32 am Reply
Wary Morth:
Because she literally saw you laughing it up with Pompous Axx in his car, with your hand apparently in a strange place? Could that be it?
Pozzo
November 6th, 2026 at 4:28 am Reply
Mmm — olive muffins!
Gil Bates
November 6th, 2026 at 4:45 am Reply
MW: Mary introduces Nelly to the interrogation technique of “muffinboarding”, outlawed by the Geneva Convection Oven Treaty.
Hibbleton
November 6th, 2026 at 4:50 am Reply
MW: “[sigh] One of those new Ring doorbells that actually says ‘buzz buzz’” Thinks Mary. “What an asshole.”
Tabby Lavalamp
November 6th, 2026 at 5:03 am Reply
Mary Worth can get back into my good books is if turns out that Nelly has Celiac disease and she freaks out at Mary for not even checking to see if she has any dietary restrictions before bringing muffins into her home.
Anonymous
November 6th, 2026 at 5:13 am Reply
Marvin: Is this a record for the most characters defecating in a single comic panel at the same time? Congratulations???
Scratchy’s Scrotums of the Week
Baja Gaijin
November 6th, 2026 at 4:57 am Reply
Dustin: DustSis is just being cruel here, donning glasses while sitting at Dustin’s fern bar, waiting to shoot him and his dippy friend down when they try picking her up. She rightly knew they wouldn’t see through her low effort eyeglasses disguise.
Baja Gaijin
November 6th, 2026 at 5:06 am Reply
Pluggers: Alternate caption: You’re a plugger if you’re too grotesquely fat to fit into a billowy hospital gown.
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Just John
October 31st, 2026 at 8:51 am Reply
HtH: I am frightened to consider the possibilities of “Stanley Kubrick’s Hagar the Horrible.”
69. Baja Gaijin
November 1st, 2026 at 8:16 am Reply
Sally Forth: Hilarity ensues when Ted and Sally discover red-hot raisins are actually very potent aphrodisiacs. Hope the sofa’s Scotchguarded!
69. Activist
November 3rd, 2026 at 8:05 am Reply
MW: it might, or might not, be due to jealousy. Don’t jump to conclusions and victimhood, Mary. First check Hanlon’s Razor
Special Scrotal Awards to the Best No. 69 and Beyond of the Week
69. Lord Flatulence
November 5th, 2026 at 8:19 am Reply
H&L: That’s just sad, man!
69. cheech wizard
November 6th, 2026 at 6:38 am Reply
MW – Today, Mary brings muffins as a peace offering and Nellie tries one. Next week, Charterstone lips are flapping with allegations that Mary Worth was the real Unabomber.