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For Better Or For Worse, 4/19/05

OK, the “slutty 12-year-old girls of Canada” thing in FBOFW has gone past laughable and unsettling and is headed into insane moral panic territory. To ask a halfway-serious question: does anyone remember from the days when Elizabeth was in junior high whether her burgeoning sexuality was repeatedly dissected for our squirmy edification? Because you know, before the Clinton administration and all those damn blow jobs, no one under the age of 21 ever thought about sex. (His pernicious influence has even spread to Canada!)

Seriously, I’m all for 12-year-old girls lusting after hot twentysomething dentists with stupid facial hair — it’s part of the natural order of things. What I can’t get behind is the lusty use of the word “morsel.” Ick. The block-lettering font makes it all the harder to ignore. And the interjection “Hooo!” just leads me to think about a certain monologue involving the phrase “sexual playtoy” that I promised my therapist that I would try to forget about.

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For Better Or For Worse, 4/2/05

Good to see that breaking off her friendship with Becky hasn’t put a stop to April’s plan to become a gig. Maybe they’ll engage in a competition of hands-on-ness: who gets the first rose tattoo on her ankle? The first boyfriend with a criminal record? The first venereal disease?

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For Better Or For Worse, 3/30/05

The baby-pimping horror doesn’t end here, though. Not by a long shot.

For $75, you earn the right to take the little angel to next year’s “Take Your Child To Work Day” and earn the cooing adoration of all your coworkers.

For $250, you can give this precious gift from God the name of a beloved, deceased relative. For the corporate rate of $400, you can christen the precious darling with the name of your newest product as part of your marketing strategy.

For $800, this delightful child will, from the ages of seven to fourteen, be legally bonded to you and your heirs as an indentured servant, cleaning your home, cooking your dinner, and doing whatever other light manual labor you may require.

For $1,500, you get to eat the baby.