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The Internet Read Aloud is BACK tonight in LA, everybody, and it’s better than ever!

Pledge your allegiance by clicking on the Facebook event!

And also? Enjoy your comment of the week!

“In tomorrow’s Six Chix, a witch flying on a plunger tells her compatriot ‘watch out for a pissed-off plumber with a scythe!’ The next day, a plumber tries to clear a clog with a long pole, and tells his assistant ‘keep an eye out for a decathlete with scythe!’ Thursday, a pole vaulter tries to clear the bar with pitchfork and tells the ref ‘somewhere there’s a farmer with a scythe!’ Friday, a farmer calmly cuts wheat with a scythe.” –Voshkod

Your runners up are also very funny!

“I cannot wait to go swimming! Immersing my fleshform in dihydrogen monoxide is a pastime of which I, like all genuine Earthlings, am inordinately fond!” –Thomas Keith, on Facebook

“What makes this a ‘joke,’ and not just an advertisement for child violence, is that Dennis has a name for his beatings. I don’t get it either, but I like the way he assumes his mother is hip to his lingo: ‘Did you finish him off with a customer satisfaction survey to the ass, dear?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The physician reporting Beetle’s death is Dr. Bonkus, the Camp Swampy physician. Beetle finds that Sarge has already reached heaven ahead of him. Clearly, these facts mean that both Beetle and Sarge have perished in some military-related incident. And it’s happening soon, given that they are both about their present age. Did they die in combat? Is the nation in fact going to war soon? WHAT DO THE WALKER-BROWNE STUDIOS KNOW THAT WE DON’T, DAMMIT???” –seismic-2

“I’m literally begging the Walker factory to draw a slope in the blanket for Beetle’s thighs so we don’t wind up with strips like today’s, where dreams about his own death give Beetle not one, but somehow two raging erections.” –Dan

“Sure, golf makes Hi horny, but Lois seems to be spending her day boiling a pot of piss, which makes his fetish look positively vanilla.” –pugfuggly

“Which reminds me: I got fired for playing golf during office hours.” –TheDiva

“These are my kind of con artists. So polite, so pleasant, so mutually supportive. I hope they get away with everything.” –Joe Blevins

“So basically Vitamin had to buy the theater to land the lead part in a summer stock production of a high school standard. Wouldn’t a converted barn outside of town been a lot cheaper?” –Guillermo el Chiclero

“A dream is like a movie that you get to watch for free! And a nightmare is like a trip to hell that you can only escape by dying! I wonder what we’ll see thanks to all these sleeping pills we took from my parents’ nightstand!” –jroggs

“A dream is like a movie that you get to watch for free! And there’s nothing wrong with dreams, right? So there’s nothing wrong with free movies either, right? Or just to cover some expenses, selling them for a price that’s practically free? Anyway, I’ve hidden a camera inside this teddy bear, and I need you to hold it on your lap after we sneak you into the theatre.” –pachoo

“What are the odds that Mark intentionally set up this cave to confuse Doc and make him more agreeable to being moved to a nursing home?” –JJ48

“I’m pretty monolingual, but I’d guess that idioms consisting entirely of common prepositions and pronouns like ‘up for it‘ are probably the hardest to learn. There’s a decent chance that Hugo meant to ask Dawn ‘Are you high?’” –matt w

“I am ze Franshe you know? I am how you say pepper my language with ze franshe words. My hamac a banane eez out at ze cleanairs, so I am wearink dees American how you say ‘short of boxing.’” –Anonymous

“Not that ‘I’m sorry I pulled the gun … I got carried away!‘ is much of an apology for nearly murdering your new acquaintances, but it’s still better than ‘I’m sorry you feel that way.’” –BigTed

“I guess what makes it funny is that Jane Fonda and Steve Jobs here are not the biggest grifters in today’s strip.” –Zla’od

“I cannot get over the absolute state of Dawn’s hair. This was either an attempt to draw a stylish messy bob that failed dramatically, or a skilled demonstration of drawing split ends to show us that Dawn cuts her own hair with kitchen scissors.” –Rosstifer

“The fish would say nothing to these two. But it will have a full report for Mary by the end of the evening.” –Gabacho

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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YOOUUUU GUYS, after a month off me and my comedy pals are back doing live Internet-themed comedy in LA next week! DO NOT MISS IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

Pledge your allegiance by clicking on the Facebook event!

And also? Enjoy your comment of the week!

“I want to say that canonically the vulture is that kid’s only friend, but no online source is admitting that it knows about the vulture as a recurring character? Am I suggesting that I know more about Crock than the Wikipedia article? This is bad, folks.” –matt w

Also enjoy your runners up! They’re great!

“At some point, every Phantom must ask himself, ‘Should I have an armored outfit that will help protect me from my enemies’ weapons, instead of the usual skin-tight costume made of a thin fabric that reveals every inch of my magnificent physique?’ And our latest hero — even with a knife protruding from his chest — still thinks, ‘Naah, I made the right decision.’” –BigTed

“Take a lesson, Walker — when the narration box says it’s time to leave, it’s time to leave.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Mark’s hand is fully wrapped around that rock, so he clearly hit the lock straight on with his fingers. Adding insult to injury, his prediction of the lock breaking did NOT come true because the chest’s hasp broke instead. His look in the final panel is one of deeply hidden pain.” –Johnny Johnson, on Twitter

“Yeah, SNL just hasn’t been the same since the dawn of the age of the avians. The live-screening of vultures eating the last human cast has just ceased to be funny for some reason.” –pugfuggly

“My girlfriend seems to genuinely enjoy my company, but she’s a fucking idiot.” –Rosstifer

“Jughaid needs to market his concoction as Cajun Blackened Fudge and sell it as an expensive delicacy in the big city. Those hipsters won’t catch on.” –Jackson’s Third Hole, Wyoming

“Maybe this isn’t meant to have the Christian God read into it. Yes, there’s a nun, but for cartoon characters the creator is the cartoonist. Why does he let bad things happen to them? Well, why do bad things happen to him? Why do other human beings abuse him so, with no escape? If his existence is suffering, wouldn’t it be less than honest to have his creations experience anything else? So this is probably another one of those comics complaining about how, you know, the coffee was cold or something.” –pachoo

“If Dawn does not put out, it may be I can hire this ‘Tart of the Moon,’ no?” –Peanut Gallery

“Look, it doesn’t matter what you do; whatever it is, Mark Trail can and will one-up you. Discussing desert flora and fauna, swimming, martial arts, looking into well-lit boxes; you do it, Mark will do it better and make you look like a chump.” –jroggs

“It’s fun to imagine that Dawn’s cravat is actually holding her severed head in place. ‘Fascinating,’ she says, reminding herself to run to the bathroom before they leave to check for blood runs.” –jeltranksss

“At least one of them is also into shirts. Were you ever into shirts, Maggot?” –Foodar

“Our Town? Really? Dick Tracy has given us a guy eaten alive by rats, another crushed by a steamroller, and a third cut in half by an airplane, and now we’re gonna get several weeks of ghosts talking about trees and very precise street addresses? [sigh] This comic used to mean something, man.” –els

“Not only can Snuffy Smiff read, he’s reading the classifieds? This is bullshit.” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!

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Folks! It’s time for your comment of the week!

“I don’t get why this particular homunculus model deteriorates so quickly. We’ve only gone through like three or four Dollys and Billys apiece since the 60s, but this’ll be like the 17th Jeffy we’ve had to replace. Ah well, get the amino acids in the vat, I’ll start making a wax mold.” –Dan

And your hilarious runners up, which are also funny!

“Humans make better clowns than animals because of our relatively hairless epidermis. Did you ever try to smear Clown White all over a furry snout? The results aren’t remotely laughable.” –Old Man Muffaroo

“Yeah, I had to walk to the trucks and carry the helium tanks and balloon boxes all the way to balloon station by myself, and that’s a long way to… wait, why are you arresting me? I didn’t say I blew them up by blowing into them myself! Look, there’s clearly someone hiding in the ticket booth! Ask him where the money went– Augh! Stop clubbing me, foxman! I’m not resisting arrest, I’m just sayi– Aauugh! Aaaauuugh! AAAUUUGGGHHH!” –jroggs

“Wow, it’s as if someone dared Rex Morgan, M.D. to introduce a character even more unlikeable than the main cast.” –Banana Jr. 6000

“Rex Morgan, M.D. is meditative these days. Yes, we can cure the illness of the individual body, but what is society if not the collective body? Fake news are memes, which reproduces just like viruses and genes — this is the origin of the term. Who will cure the social contagion? Who will save this sick organism?” –Ettorre

“Pepsi paid a lot of money to get Coke mentioned in this comic.” –The Dimensional Otter

“How many strips would be improved by having the title character gunned down on Monday? I call dibs on Luann.” –Rusty

“Shot through the heart/ And you’re to blame/ Bet this villain has/ An odd name” –JJ48

“You Americans and your 18-inch-wide diner tables! It’s a good thing you are on a diet, Dawn, there is no room to put any food for you here! Are you enjoying your 3-ounce Coca-Cola?” –Peanut Gallery

“The camera in panel one doesn’t appear to be point in Cliff’s direction. Did she see something more interesting? Given this is Funky Winkerbean, the odds are pretty good that the answer is ‘yes.’” –Pozzo

“You really missed the opportunity to say ‘sexercise‘? I’ve been waiting years for the chance to drop that ‘naturally’ into a conversation and it never comes up, and here you are, just flippantly ignoring the chance to be corny and vaguely pathetic. How dare you sir. What is the point of this blog if not that?” –toxic

“Isn’t Curtis like 12 or something? Shouldn’t he be communicating exclusively with emojis and Korean TikTok videos?” –pugfuggly

“Wardrobe, liquor, steaks, cigars … this would be a very expensive chimp to keep. Better to keep him naked and on a strict diet of generic Monkey Chow, no? Or make the little bastard get a job.” –Ukulele Ike

“I was going to go on a tirade about how chimps are vicious and have been known to forget their training and attack their owners once they reach puberty, but also how I was looking forward to the eventually mauling. But if that had happened, Cliff would obviously be disfigured in the present day. So I guess the chimp is just going to die of cancer. C’est la vie.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“At least Jeffy’s body is really good at something — is what he’ll tell sports coaches, doctors and girlfriends when it turns out to be bad at far more important things.” –BigTed

“Damn, look at the care put into that artwork in Mark Trail. J.J.’s eyes, slightly rolling back in the sockets. His hand, just a moment before holding the gun, already relaxing as his body drops. His head, snapping back just so while his feet rise into the air. The only other time you see Mark Trail artwork with closely-observed detail like this is in the depictions of flora and fauna. But isn’t that what this is, after all? A weaker animal tried to make a dominance display, and the stronger animal had to demonstrate who’s really in charge.” –Thelonious_Nick

“Chekhov said, ‘If a gun hits the floor in the last panel on Thursday, you must have it picked up by one of the good guys on Friday, and then never mention it again.’ Did I remember that right?” –matt w

“You have to give Saline Galapagos credit: she’s committed to to her branding to the point of having palmistry and chakra posters up in her office even though she only treats clients over the phone.” –TheDiva

“‘I said, I don’t know, and then he pulled the trigger. Thank goodness it was just a prop gun! Zanzibar looked at the gun with a baffled expression for a second; then he threw it down and ran for the front door. I immediately gave chase. I couldn’t let him get away, for I had so many questions: Was he involved in Valerie Pond’s death? What did he mean by father? HOW THE HECK COULD HE EVEN TALK?! He made it out the front door, but I was hot on his heels. At the far edge of the lawn, he started to climb up a palm tree, but I was able to grab him by the leg, keeping him from climbing up more than six feet or so. He tried and he tried to shake me off, and I was using all my strength to try to pull him back down. No matter how much he struggled, I kept pulling his leg and pulling his leg… Just like I’m pulling yours now.’ –Excerpt from the documentary Why Documentary Makers Hate Cliff Anger” –Guy Lumbago

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you’d like to advertise on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get your very own shoutout in this space, head on over to my BuySellAds page!