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Hey y’all! Next week the live comedy show I host, the Internet Read Aloud, returns to the Clubhouse in Los Angeles! The last few shows have been really magical and hilarious and I think this one’s gonna be great too.

This month’s topics include #teens, Craigslist (remember Craigslist????), emails, the Beatles, and more. Here’s the Facebook event, if you are interested!

And with that out of the way, let’s enjoy some COTW goodness!

“I’m going to have one horse ride on the other horse’s back. Then I’ll get on the top horse. On second thought, can I borrow three horses? One of them has to be pretty strong. No? You don’t understand sheriff stuff, do you?” –made of wince

These other comments were very close to being COTW-worthy:

“Wilson is weakening: in the fifth panel he has what I hope is the hose aimed squarely for Dennis’s head. Once you get your prey in your crosshairs, you fire, Wilson! Not learning proper military procedure is the real menace.” –Charles Nelson,Really!

“In Silas’s dream, he is now free to go back to not wearin’ shoes, as th’ Good Lord intended.” –Pozzo

“Coincidentally enough, Mr. Wilson has an example of an ancient calendar hanging in his own garage. It features pinup models in short, tight dresses standing in front of 1967-era convertibles.” –BigTed

“‘As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic vermin having sex with a dog as part of some weird lady’s cuckold fetish’ was too strange and disturbing, even for Kafka. Not so for Six Chix.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Movie clerk looks pretty upset about having brought Leroy Lockhorn a brief moment of fleeting joy. Understandable, though.” –Dan

“Good to see Thel staying completely covered up from the neck down. Some might see it as slavish adherence to the Keane Kompound dictates for the clothing of women of breeding age, but in reality it’s her long-term plan to get rid of her husband and children through the wonders of melanoma. No need for sunscreen, she tells them — that’s just a trick of godless science!” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Hotdog cleavage’ is simultaneously the worst thing comics have ever put in my head and the name of my new band.” –Keep the brand strong

“Uh-oh, looks like Dawn is about to add another notch to her bedpost! (Is the bedpost where you keep a record of boring, chemistry-free relationships? Perhaps she will add a notch to her flatpack IKEA dresser instead.)” –TheDiva

“I don’t know where you came up with ‘a little gassy,’ Ned, but golly, are we lucky you did! I already had the scalpel in hand and was calling ‘There’s no time for anesthesia!’ when you found that one in … what was that book? A doctor book or something?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Is it a coincidence that ‘real buzzer beater’ contains all the letters of Beelzebub, lord of flies? Going by the insects circling Henry’s head, I’d say no.” –Schroduck

“The lag time between writing and publishing a daily comic makes it pretty certain Dennis‘s writer thought this up during the NBA finals and then couldn’t wait until next year to unleash its humor on society. I’m looking forward to future time-lagged ‘punchlines’ like: ‘Can I have my cereal in this SUPERBOWL?’ (holds up large bowl at breakfast table, March 2018, menacing because Dennis doesn’t care about copyright and trademark law, to hell with the NFL) ‘Looks like Margaret could’ve used some more SPRING TRAINING’ (Margaret wincing by broken pogo stick, August 2019, menacing because Dennis both laughs at Margaret’s injuries and emphasizes that in sports, women are still considered second-class entertainment), and ‘I guess Mr. Wilson was right, we are a RED STATE.’ (Carrying a bloody machete, December 2020, menacing because he’s slaughtered his family and is now heading for Joey’s house.)” –Briane

“Somehow this manages to make the whole concept of humor less funny and the whole concept of sex less sexy, both at the same time.” –Larry McAwful

“In any other strip, ‘Have you been spying on me?’ would be a ridiculous question on its face, given that the alleged spy is 1. wearing a conspicuous Spider-Man costume and 2. alerting the Mole Man to his presence with a hilariously secretive ‘Psst!’ But since this is Peter Parker we’re talking about, it’s a legitimate inquiry. ‘Have you been spying on me?’ ‘What? Wait — what AM I doing here? Spying on you? Sure, let’s go with that!’” –Kevin Forest Moreau, on Facebook

“But how did Killer get in the hospital? My guess is either mace or syphilis.” –Steve S

“I think randomly shouting out the term ‘old timers’ is simply Ed’s way of reminding the others, ‘Hey, you degenerates, remember the elderly! We exist, we’re everywhere, and we don’t cotton to this loose talk! Now keep your mind on your painting, and stop all this jibber jabbering. In fact, let’s complete this task in total, tense silence.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘We’ve had three confirmed tornadoes and it won’t be long before they’re too close for comfort, because if there’s one thing that’s predictable it’s tornadoes. And I need horses. Totally impervious to tornadoes. Now get down to the storm cellar before you witness my face melting,’ said Don Stober, the alien visitor whose research totally misled him about what earthlings are really like.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Looking at that mustache and sideburns, I assume the ‘Ghost Town’ is the hipster Brooklyn hangout where he’s the bartender.” –Lawyerbob

“I really hope that today someone is reading Pluggers for the first time and assumes that an old man is just casually noticing that he’s transformed into a human-dog hybrid, as if it’s just another weird little quirk about the aging process.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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It’s your comment of the week! Enjoy!

“Ok, I was wrong that Melvin would have needed super strength to carry so much gold. He got his giant worm to do it, so his ability is actually having friends, or at least being able to work with others. But those are still special powers in this comic, right?” –pachoo

It’s also your runners up! Enjoy these too!

“That’s my surprise — my son, Johnny. See, Johnny, I said ‘surprise’ this time, not ‘mistake.’ That’s better, right?” –BigTed

“Runaway trains hurtle, careen, or crash. They do not throb.” –Lorne

“Sure, it was exciting when they announced that the next star of Doctor Who would be female. But it’s only when Mark Trail announces that previously-unmentioned bank robbery accomplice #2 is also a woman that you see what a truly golden age we live in for female representation in the arts.” –Schroduck

“So the Rapid City FBI office is on the 7th floor of the Regional Hospital? Of course! That’s where the male pattern-baldness treatment program does business.” –Dennis Jimenez

“And that, friends, wraps up another thrilling Spider-Man adventure. Aunt May is going to marry an international criminal. ‘Melvin’ looted the national treasury of billions in gold and jewels. Aunt Anna has gotten laid by a real Hollywood publicist. That damn fire escape has been pulled down and destroyed. Welp, off to San Francisco, to meet new friends and new challenges!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Even though I grew up there, seeing South Dakota mentioned over and over in Mark Trail gives me the sense that it’s a fictional place.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“It appears that Rex is enjoying being a part of this strip just about as much as I enjoy reading it.” –Red Delicious

“‘And there are other mentions of you elsewhere on the internet’ could be a very menacing phrase of it weren’t directed at the two most dull people on earth. ‘TWO WASPS RAISE MILQUETOAST CHILDREN! WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WILL BORE YOU.'” –pugfuggly

“Seems to me sending a birth announcement to the hometown newspaper is more like something June’s mom would do. Which leads to the thought: why don’t we ever see June or Rex’s parents? I mean, I get it, Rex is an incredibly lifelike man machine, but June is presumably a normal human female? Or does the uncanny valley defined by Sarah repel even the strongest of meddling grandparent?” –pastordan

“It could explain why no one ever ages. Dennis, Mr. Wilson, everyone, they’re all clones. Normally they’re released as needed to replace their older selves but the mechanism is breaking down. It’s sending out more and more Dennis clones. It’s time to begin the culling.” –WLP

“Look, Mark Trail, I read the comics to escape. Continuing to feature a series of middle-aged office workers becoming increasingly confused about a series of rapidly changing facts is a little too close to home for my liking.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“The strip needs to get back to its roots, showing random wildlife lovingly drawn in close up for no reason at all. There’s plenty of room on these guys’ foreheads to place a duck or raccoon.” –Rusty

“His name is John Carter — his daddy’s choice. Well, actually I don’t know who his daddy is, but we had sex in a theatre screening John Carter, because it was empty.” –Ettore

“It’s for work! I’m a grape.” –Ukulele Ike

“What I love about that old Mark Trail you linked to is how the ponytailed bank robber is fretting about the FBI. ‘They have that facial recognition software!’ When we in the audience know that that it took the FBI several weeks of obsessively re-watching the video to even figure out that one of the robbers is a woman. I think you’re okay, guys.” –Rita Lake

“C’mon, Jeffy. He’s wagging his ass in your face again. It would so easy to just reach up and push him over. Do it. Dooooooo iiiiiiiiiit.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“‘They remember even longer than mommies!’ ‘That’s because they don’t have access to sweet, sweet booze,’ Thel whispers, as she reaches for her flask to take a few ladylike nips.” –Voshkod

“While I appreciate the inclusion of a Johnny Cash/Carter Family cameo, the artist has denied us the opportunity to see Rex’s face at the exact second he learns his smug supposition was incorrect.” –Joe Blevins

“In spite of the romantic turn the strip is taking I’m going to hold on to the belief that all the characters reproduce asexually, like corals or sponges. It helps explain their appearances.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“He killed himself driving drunk and left his boy to be raised by a single mama. Now, that’s taking a country music obsession a little far.” –Where’s Rocky

“Fortunately, he’s dead now, although I’m still feeling guilty for thinking that, so let me compensate by feeling sorry for myself. And how are you, June? Do you ever feel bad about being vastly overpaid for whatever it is that you do?” –But What Do I Know?

“Jaquan ‘The Don’ Case was a very transparent stand-in for LeBron James back when LeBron was still a high school phenom. Trey Davis ended up going to College of Charleston and I am pretty sure was drawn to be black back in 2003, and Hadley V. Baxendale discovered that Jaquan really loved studying and convinced him to go to college for 4 years and not make a trillion dollars in the pros, in the days before the NBA’s age minimum, when his school, Bishop James Tardy, replaced one of the lesser Valley Conference foes (Goshen?) when their entire team was suspended for drinking in the Drinking Cave. Look, I hate that I can recall all of these plot points with ease, but in my defense, I know absolutely nothing about Funky Winkerbean, so I can continue clinging to the remains of my self-esteem.” –Drew Funk

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hey all! Your comment of the week in a moment, but first: I saw some comments this week about a video ad that was causing the page to move around and make things more difficult to read and comment. I believe that I have successfully removed the ad that was causing the problem and now I’m experimenting with some other ads. You may need to shift-reload the page to see the new layout. If you’re still experiencing that problem, or encountering some new ones that you think arise from the ads, please let me know ASAP! And the way to let me know truly as soon as possible is to email me at bio@jfruh.com, not to post a comment about it.

And now, with that out of the way: your comment of the week!

“Ha ha, kids sure say the darnedest things! I mean, not today, obviously, but sometimes, yeah!” –pugfuggly

And your hilarious runners up!

“Hmmmm, a ‘baby,’ they say….nope, not ringing a bell.” –Tigernan Douglas Pournelle, on Facebook

“On 4th thought, people used to write directly to me at Gasoline Alley before they complicated addresses! They stopped writing when they had to add an extra 5 digits! When I finish wrapping up this mail bomb I’ll finally have my revenge on Mr. ZIP!” –nescio

“Her name is ‘Charlotte’. Her code name is ‘Sungirl 734’, but her handlers in the KGB just call her ‘Comrade Baby.’” –seismic-2

“Is there a way a reader could break through the wall and ask April what’s going on? Is she safe? Is the baby safe? Is she, in fact, a traitor? I already know everything I need to know about Randy.” –Northernlurker

“‘I do declare the very thought of Mr. Trail gives me the vapors,’ said Lesley, carefully angling herself toward the fainting couch her boss bought just for these occasions.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I’m trying to decode the expression on the plugger’s face. Terror? Shame? Grim fascination? All three? ‘Please, God, say that came out of the car and not out of me!’” –Joe Blevins

“Jeez, creepy old man in Gasoline Alley. The kid is already unconscious. No need to throw shuriken at him. Good thing you have no depth perception or you might have hurt him like a mackerel, or those fish you caught.” –Voshkod

“Our culture is so obsessed with ancestral roots and pristine culture that there is little space for the experience of mixed children, who are under pressure to define a straightforward identity. This is heavy stuff from a strip all about shitting yourself.” –Ettore

“It’s a good thing Bill Watterson’s Calvin and Hobbes strip doesn’t still run in newspapers, or Sarah might realize that comic characters can actually have fun.” –BigTed

“I know there’s no dress code at a comic con, but Marianne is wearing a frumpy t-shirt, Cliff is dressed for his own funeral, and Conan is auditioning for the part of Arthur ‘the Fonz’ Fonzarelli in Happy Days: The Movie.” –Hogen the Mogen

“The Rise & Fall of Nazi Germany, by Mort Walker.” –Steve S

“I have to admire the Lt. Colonel for his commitment to following orders as the two officers walked silently from the office, checked out of their base, went to their respective houses, changed into civilian clothes, gathered their golf clubs from the garage, and awkwardly carpooled over to the golf course. ‘Any minute now,’ he thought, ‘He’ll order me to speak again and I can finally tell him about my views on central banks and how the country went straight to hell after we abandoned the gold standard.’” –Dread

“The man being pushed out the window represents the Patriarchy, which has been holding back the collective artists of the strip reaching their full potential these many years. The fact that it is sloppily drawn is ironic, for once.” –Rusty

“I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that Dithers and Bumstead buy their PJs at the same shop.” –DaveInPgh

“While Melvin’s commodity-dependent wealth scheme is certainly resistant to inflation, he should have proven oil reserves at a minimum if he’s going to vault into the world’s richest circle. And if he’s to out-compete Doc Ock’s tentacl.com, he’ll need some form of social media strategy as well. The ‘Moles Only’ site and a pocketful of stolen DeBeers’ property will get you nowhere.” –pastordan

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.