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This week’s top comment: it’s here!

“‘That phase of his life is behind him, honey! He wants to be remembered for his art, not his mutation. You have to separate the work from the lizard. Why you gotta bring up old stuff.’ This was a well-timed plot, Spider-Man. Good job, thumb on the pulse.” –Dan

The runners-up: they’re also hilarious!

“Ha ha, it’s funny because even after three pretty clear clues, Dagwood still can’t figure out that it’s Daylight Savings, an event that has happened twice a year his entire life! That’s so … troubling, actually? Is his brain getting clogged up with bologna or something?” –pugfuggly

“Hello? Spidey Sense Consumer Hotline? Yes, I have some complaints.” –Joe Blevins

“Humans might be low in the social hierarchy, but nothing has changed for fish after the Animapocalypse. The new masters still need an underclass, it’s the cycle of revolution.” –Ettore

“The dog didn’t need color vision, or even smell, to identify the red ones. He just licked all of them. Because he’s a dog! Enjoy the rest of your jelly beans, Young Jeffrey.” –Peanut Gallery

“Look at all that white snow. I have never been so grateful for a colorist’s mistake.” –matt w

“I’m looking forward to the future Mary Worth where Iris and Zak meet up with Wilbur and Fabiana for a cordial, awkward dinner. I give it an hour and no more than 2 glasses of wine before the young hotties have locked themselves into the bathroom. Iris and Wilbur will have no recourse but to weep, listen to their exuberant lovemaking, and glumly masturbate.” –stepped pyramids

“You see, if he HAD changed the clocks, the time in the cartoon would be 1:43. 143 is the sum of seven consecutive primes (11 + 13 + 17 + 19 + 23 + 29 + 31). That, plus the fact that the person on the right is carrying a basket of laundry should make the hilarious subtext obvious. I mean, it’s all right there!” –grsblvnyk

“That stereotypical cowboy in Mark Trail looks devastated by his gun’s betrayal. He might walk in on his wife and his best friend in bed; his dog might turn on him; his horse might go lame; all these things he could accept with the quiet stoicism we expect from the stereotypical cowboy. But when a man’s gun up and stabs him in the back like that, well, that’s just too much. Unless there’s a bayonet involved. Then you expect a stabbing.” –Voshkod

“Obviously Mark Trail is trying to appeal to the millennials with that ‘glitch’ noise because the gun was created with a 3D printer. That’s what the kids do nowadays, right? Make things with 3D printers?” –tb4000

“When Iris asks, ‘Isn’t it kind of late for coffee?’, she is being sincerely curious. She’s dumb. But when Zak replies, ‘It’s never too late for coffee’, he really is talking about coffee because if Iris throws down the stupid, Zak rolls with it. They’re perfect for each other.” –Gabacho

“The PR guy gets into a taxi. Peter waves to an empty limo. Mary Jane is sick of the crowds on an otherwise deserted street. Next thing ya know, that phase of Dr. Connors’ life will be shown NOT to be behind him after all! Lies! It’s all LIES!” –Hogenmogen

“Zak leads an uncertain Iris into his apartment, closes the door, and turns the lights on, low. Smiling, he pulls not one, but two small foil packets out of his pants pocket, and murmurs into Iris’ ear, ‘Don’t worry, I come prepared!’ and with one quick motion rips open both single-cup servings of Sanka.” –Charterstoned

“Dear Diary: Today, I’m finally going to convince Beetle to walk out into the void. If he makes it through the endless nothingness, maybe he can warn the government about General Halftrack’s cloning experiments. Beetle may be our only hope of stopping him.” –Super Luigi 64

“Dear Diary: Next week I’m going to be walking with Beetle and Blips will remark that I always write about things that happen a week in advance. That’s it. That’s the extent of my powers. I can predict the future with 100% accuracy but I can’t alter it in any way. It’s a curse. Oh well!” –made of wince

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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HEY Y’ALL, if you’re in Los Angeles tonight, you should come to my cool-as-heck Internet-based comedy show at 8 pm at the Clubhouse in Los Feliz! There’s a MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE you will enjoy every last second (note: show is free to attend).

Here’s the Facebook event, which includes information on where and when the show is, even though I just told you those details above!

Anyway, for those of you stuck at home, you should enjoy this comment of the week instead of the live comedy stylings of me and my friends!

“To write their dialogue, both Snuffy Smith and Gasoline Alley deploy a form of AI called a ‘Reural Network’ which has come closer and closer over time to generating recognizably rustic human language. It’s mule-powered, I’m told.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

The runners up: also extremely funny!

“Just wait until Zak puts on a pair of glasses.” –Liam

“You can tell Iris has been prepping to hang out with younger folks, because she just broke out, ‘I know, right?’” –Pozzo

“In a strip rich with fun details (I personally like the fact that there’s not one, but two bald guys in the same phone line, giving me a chance to quote Rodney Dangerfield: ‘Heh, why don’t you two put your heads together and make an ass of yourselves?’), the best is the fact that the henchman feels he has to cover his mouth when bringing The Rat’s Ex-Partner in Crime news of what some guy in prison said. Maybe he’s afraid that the bikini-ed gun moll on the next lounge chair might be a rat herself. If so, he might want to stop her from taking pictures all over the place.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The Rolling Stones trademark tongue is finally showing its age.” –made of wince

“April is hardening herself for the rigors of prison life by staring at that photograph of her ugly baby as long as she can every day. She made it to 90 seconds today — a new record! Compared to that, the sight of someone bleeding out on the cafeteria line because you wanted their fruit cup is easy.” –stepped pyramids

“Snuffy’s look of delight has nothing to do with how cute Tater is or amusement of seeing a baby dressed up like him, but has everything to do with the fact that now he has an alibi for anything he wants.” –K. Ivan Ruppert

“Listen, you poor pathetic child, you think Luann is the most exciting person in your life, so you are in no position to diss Kansas.” –Poteet [FUN FACT FROM JOSH: I stopped reading Luann several years ago and it has been incredibly freeing, so I have no clue about this context for this, but it made me laugh like a hyena]

“Ha ha, get it? Sometimes marriages end because of untimely death, and other times because of divorce! One way or another, you’re probably going to die alone, miserable, and probably bald.” –pugfuggly

“So, Walker’s Table is the famous cannibal smorgasbord restaurant? Who’s on Walker’s Table? Well, today we have squatters, sautéed with capers and lemon; hippies, marinated in patchouli and their own filth; spicy revolutionary croquettes; artistic-type sausages (no, don’t ask which types, or which parts, we use); all white bean militia chili; prepper-pepper-poppers; trekkie pate; tiny-house gingerbread people; slow-smoked off-gridders, and a salad of greens.” –Voshkod

“The people behind this guy in line are right to stare. He’s gonna be on the news. Soon. And not for anything good. ‘Authorities say the suspect’s home was wallpapered with pages from the works of local author and teacher Les Moore. Certain passages from these books were circled in lipstick. As a precaution, Moore has also been apprehended and is undergoing extensive questioning.’” –Joe Blevins

“It is an emergency situation. Every second is important. I must avoid all contractions and speak each word with its full value.” –grsblvnyk

“‘Do you know what you want?’ Zak says looking at the Entrees menu, meaning he is asking about food. ‘Yes,’ Iris says, looking at the dessert menu, meaning she is already picturing licking hot fudge off of her lover’s abs. It’s the little details that make the difference, people.” –Dread

“Sneaky Uncle was up all night greasing the football field; thank goodness it paid off.” –Ukulele Ike

“Maybe he wants liquor because the storyline shattered his fourth wall and now he’s aware of how infinitesimally tiny and irrelevant he really is, even in the infinitesimally tiny and irrelevant real world. Not only a fictional character but a fictional character no-one cares about, in a newspaper comic no-one cares about, that only runs for three panels a day anyway, in a handful of papers in a single nation of an unremarkable planet circling a third-rate sun, one of hundreds of billions of stars making up a downright average galaxy spinning alone with trillions of others for no apparent reason through the nonsensical blackness of creation. I’d want liquor.” –Applemask

“Why worry about it? You’re a chicken, so what counts is your own expiration date stamp.” –seismic-2

“Pluggers prefer past food to fast food.” –Dood

“They’re just codenames. Zakik’s Game: a Bitcoin-powered ransomware virus that devastated the economy of Eastern Europe. Zakik’s Studio: The FSB cell that recruited/blackmailed him to re-code it and take down the California power grid (hence the darkness).” –Schroduck

“You know what? I hope that this Zak thing is for real, he’s actually got it together now, and the game continues to be successful, and he can keep taking Iris to restaurants with valet parking (the height of luxury!). I hope they rekindle their romance and it blossoms into a thriving, long-term May-December romance for the ages. That will make Wilbur’s eventual 2-year laborious, back-breaking journey (as a hiker/stowaway/indentured servant/pirate captive) back from paradise after all his money/kidneys were stolen and he was left for dead in an abandoned dance studio that much sweeter. That’s right, I’m shipping Zak and Iris, who by any other metric would be a stupid/boring couple. I call it the Wilbur Effect.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“You see Iris, the kids these days want you to ‘hit them up on Kik.’ Hang on, this pamphlet, ‘So You’re Banging a Millennial,’ might help.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Y’all, we’re one week out from the first Friday of the month, which means it’s time for me to bug you about next week’s Internet Read Aloud! Tell me you’re going on Facebook, which constitutes a legally binding contract!

Then, after that, enjoy this comment of the week!

“Damn right it cures rebellion! Based on the picture in his office, the doctor is a supporter of William V, Prince of Orange. Long live the Stadtholder!” –KMD

Then enjoy these runners up!

“Can’t believe the pluggers just carjacked the Popemobile. They’ve gone too far this time.” –Schroduck

“If Corey isn’t the child of the ex nut job, and not the child of Pink Hair here, where did he come from? I stand by my theory that his dad was cloned, for some unknown reason.” –Rusty

“I’ve noticed the real and imaginary versions of Wilbur have his combover firmly in place while his girlfriend’s hair is blowing around. I wondered what hair products he uses but he’s probably just sticky.”
–nescio

“Ha ha, it’s funny because Iris is studying the long, sordid tale of U.S. domination of Latin America! Panama won’t be the last worm-like appendage separated from Colombia, if you catch my drift.” –pastordan

“Greg Wilkins is the only one who looks truly happy to be going on his comic strip beat. ‘Ah, another day of child abuse and Big Tobacco kick-backs,’ he thinks.” –TheDiva

“Like so many dreams, Homer’s and Mario’s fantasy of having sex in a crowded subway car proved to be better in their minds than in real life.” –Nekrotzar

“If the bank robbers in today’s Mark Trail could afford a spiffy twin-engine prop plane, why are they robbing banks? And if they robbed the bank to afford the plane, I can tell you they did not steal enough for fuel, upkeep, and hanger fees. Stupid, stupid bank robbers.” –Voshkod

“Of course Dennis laughs with malice. It’s just the sort of thing he used to do when he was a babe. But look at the fact that he’s standing on an Ottoman. He’s the same size as the toddler. Menace as you wish, but suffer the consequences for life, young man.” –Hogenmogen

“Alice joins in with graceful vengeance and all four facial expressions in panel two are gold. If only Dennis’ punishing, Crankshaft-caliber ‘derailed’ punchline had been left as white space, this would have been awesome. And what’s more menacing than casual self-sabotage?” –Davey Compson

“There was no genie so there will be no irony in the granting of the wish, but Ditto will still discover there’s a catch years from now when he has diabetes.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“‘Genies help those who help themselves’ is kind of an odd theology, and sounds like something that will be a part of a long rambling statement adult Ditto will give against his lawyer’s advice.” –pugfuggly

“I’m really hoping we will see at least a year of Wilbur and Iris dumping each other for more desirable partners, getting dumped in turn, and crawling back to settle for each other.” –Lorne

“The Keanes take their kids to a GP. That stands for ‘Gepetto from Pinocchio.’” –Joe Blevins

“All y’all are missing the significance of the picture. That is an American colonist without a rifle. That MMR (the ‘MM’ is for ‘Minutemen’) shot traveled back in time and disarmed the colonies’ militias. Dr. Mustache works for the National Health Service now.” –matt w

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.