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Guys! Next Friday is the first Friday of the month and that means there’s an Internet Read Aloud show in LA, hosted by me! Do not under any circumstances miss it!

And, while I have you here, I guess it can’t hurt to remind you, or maybe tell you for the very first time if you haven’t heard, that for only $3 a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon supporter and get an ad-free version of this site, along with advanced comment-editing features! Also, if you use Patreon and have wondered if I’m someone to whom you can give money via Patreon, good news: I am, and there’s a tote bag in it for you if you pledge $2 a month or more! And, of course, you can always just toss some scratch in my Paypal tip jar, or even via Venmo @jfruhlinger!

And, also, if we follow Slylock-style ratiocination logic, if the first Friday of the month is in a week, that means today is also a Friday, and that means it’s time for your comment of the week!

“Sigh. Dawn won’t have time to catch up on what’s been going on in her life since they said goodnight late last night. She might have to wait til they have lunch together to tell him all about the drive home, the text from her dad, the laying out of her clothes for the morning, her breakfast, and the drive in. I love these stories where the predator becomes the prey.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

And your runners up are also hilarious!

“Really liking the throwaway panel in which Peter’s spidey-sense alerts him that his Aunt noticed him farting.” –pugfuggly

“This is the goddamned weirdest Old Milwaukee ad I have ever seen. Narrator: ‘Subterranea and Old Milwaukee both mean something great to these guys. Subterranea means a complex network of underground caves and tunnels, generous enough to house Lava Men, Gortokians, and Molans alike, far from the blinding sunlight of the surface world! It’s the perfect vantage point to watch your vanquished enemy die of fright on his own wedding day! And Old Milwaukee means a great beer with a clean, crisp, bold taste!’ Cut to Tyrranus, cracking open a cold one as he watches a giant tentacle attack Mole Man on the view screen: ‘It just doesn’t get any better than this!’ Fade out.” –Joe Blevins

“This strip is the antithesis of Moneyball — but relying on an impression gained during a brief training session with an athlete under perfect conditions to predict future performance is just the sort of thing that Gil does year-in and year-out. Let’s call it Milfordball.” –But What Do I Know?

“In today’s Mary Worth, we see the good Doctor set up a light show to convince Dawn she’s being abducted by aliens. This will help him explain away any memories she has of ‘being probed’ and her upcoming pregnancy. ‘Can’t be mine, Dawn, you were on a starship nine months ago, remember? Take good care of your star child, OK?’” –Voshkod

“June and Rex engage in passionate Monday-night handshaking. ‘Sleep well.’ ‘Sounds good. I’ll have my people call your people, and we’ll put this thing to bed.’” –Charterstoned

“I’ll be honest, if I was a cashier at a grocery store and notorious glutton Dagwood Bumstead came to my register with only one banana, I would be shocked too.” –Andrew

“Imagining how much these two couples secretly loathe each other and are seething with anger that they’ll be upstaging each others’ weddings, which they carefully hide with the skill of professional actors, actually makes this strip enjoyable.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I’m sure that ‘evidence of bears‘ is just a polite way of saying ‘bear shit,’ but I prefer to think that he’s seen piles of pic-a-nic baskets.” –Pozzo

“It is well known that Mark Trail hates facial hair. Equally well known is the fact that shaving creatures named Samson drains them of their power. Foreshadowing, yo.” –Dmsilev

“Someone needs to tell the Dick Tracy team that there is more to inventing a punny name than just grabbing a random two-word phrase off Wikipedia’s ‘photography’ article.” –Schroduck

“Actually Dawn taped up ‘RING RING’ as a subtle hint that’s she’s open to an engagement. You can tell it’s Dawn’s because the letters are big and all caps, like she learned in first grade.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Immediately start imagining a young Henry and Alice on their wedding night. The lights are low, the bedsheets turned down, two half-filled glasses of champagne are on the table. Alice sensuously hikes her wedding dress to slowly take down her stockings and garter, Henry removes his trousers, suggestively unclasping his own sock garters — Suddenly realize it’s August and analyst is on vacation. Call emergency hotline.” –Bobby Sneakers

“For the first panel I just assumed the hat guy was speaking in old-timey gangster lingo. But nope, he literally wants Johnny to let that pony of his head on home. I guess the world of Mark Trail is not yet ready for slang or metaphor.” –Dan

“I have to ask the boss about Mr. Smith’s lab results. We have a pool going on back in the files room, and the current odds are about 3-to-5 that Smith has got cirrhosis of the liver, and he has maybe a couple of years left to live. Most of the staff is betting that way, but I think they’re nuts. I say it’s clearly liver cancer, so he’s a goner in 6 months, and I wagered $50 on it! I can hardly wait for the boss to tell us about the lab results. I wonder who’s the lucky one in the pool? Not Mr. Smith, that’s for sure!” –seismic-2

And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Well heck, it’s Friday, so let’s have a comment of the week!

“This is a wonderful way to include the children in the strip. Keep them very small and blurry in the distance so we readers can occasionally be reminded that they exist without ever having to actually [shudder] look at them.” –Poteet

Let’s have some great runners up too!

“I Know What You Did To Last Summer” –Anne Elisabeth Dillon, on Facebook

“The good news is if they do accidentally wake her up they still have a fairly sizable window to get the troops to the surface before she tries to intervene. Just that headdress must take an hour to get on, at the inside.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“In midair, Peter Parker’s body springs back to its natural shape, that of someone lying back on the bed and craning his head up to look at the TV.” –matt w

“Wish I could concentrate on the words in this strip but I keep going back to that toffee-colored steak in the first panel that seems pliable enough to be stabbed with a spatula. Is that like grade-D meat, or are they fixing Jaquan’s knee just by feeding him hunks of colagen…?” –pugfuggly

“Skateboarding is too dangerous! Not like pro football, where modern rules and advanced safety gear leave players in perfect physical and mental condition to enjoy their retirement and golden years after many productive seasons! [quietly accepts three briefcases of cash from Roger Goodell]” –Dragon of Life

“He thought it was one of those ‘craft’ lemonades, an imperial stout, aged in oak barrels.” –Hogen the Mogen

“…Because it’s great. I know you’re wondering, ‘why does Ed have a bottle of coyote urine?‘ and ‘why is he holding a trowel, what does that have to do with what he’s saying?’ but really, my bottle of coyote urine: top-shelf, if any of you want to come and see. Jeff, what are you doing drinking my glass of liquid diarrhea?” –Jack Loves Comics

“Sometimes I’ll head to a bar after work, my backpack with me, my laptop inside. With it there, even while I’m drinking and talking and trying to have a good time, my work is also with me, and since I need to keep tabs on my backpack while I’m out, I’m reminded of my work. I’d leave it in my car, but I take mass transit to and from work, and it’s better that I don’t drink and drive, anyway. So I know just how that headsman feels. Sort of. I mean, the reason I take my work laptop home is that sometimes I have to do work from home, which I don’t enjoy. Why does he need to take his axe home with him? Does he do work from home, too? If so, that guy really needs to talk to someone about maintaining work/life balance. Small wonder he looks so distraught.” –Larry McAwful

“Letters is so scarce, we hasta mostly use ’postrophes!” –Peanut Gallery

“‘Boy that was rough — not exactly as Mark and I planned it.‘ *gasp* James Allen has been reading my Mark Trail slashfic!” –Truckosaurus

“His left shirttail is propped open.” –nescio

“‘I’m sure Pete will find something interests him.‘ Pete: ‘Hey, is that a clipboard?’” –Pozzo

“You know, you might want to consider having Johnny buried with you, like a pharaoh’s servants or something. Just throwing that out there.” –Doctor Handsome

“General Halftrack passed the mandatory retirement age a decade ago but his subordinates haven’t found it necessary to tell him as long as he’s content to play golf instead of trying to start a war or something.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Does anyone remember how long it’s been since this strip hanged one of its characters? Me neither, so carry on, I say!” –seismic-2

“I’m impressed the last panel is not the same one as the strip from a month ago which also has Halftrack and the Major out golfing, yet the General’s golfing outfit is almost identical. It’s that attention to detail that keeps this feature at the top of aaahahahaha I can’t finish that sentence ahahahaha” –Ekudamram

“The restaurant’s staff — knowing that one of the diners is a Weston — is busily preparing the mayonnaise cart.” –Dood

“…and as a doctor, I have to ask before it becomes a problem: you have other blouses to wear, don’t you? Wearing the same thing over and over is bad for your skin.” –Kevin On Earth

“Le Chien d’Amour sounds like it should be the name of some unspeakably filthy sex act. Knowing this strip, it’s probably a euphemism for petting a puppy until it falls asleep.” –Drewbear

“I’m impressed that Pam is considering the impact of her father’s shenanigans on a macroeconomic scale. My only thought was, ‘Aw, I bet the lawn is dying under that pile of zucchinis.’” –Joe Blevins

“‘I appreciated the meal; the nutrients will provide much sustenance.’ ‘I wish to continue our exchange while performing the customary post-meal exercise.’ Oh boy, Dawn and Ned sure are about to engage in romantic coitus, am I right, fellow humans?” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Your COTW in a moment, y’all, but first, let’s take a moment to appreciate Dick Locher, the former Dick Tracy artist and writer who passed away this week at 88. I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I’ve missed his particular brand of expressionist violent insanity in the strip, but I don’t think I could give him a better eulogy than Uncle Lumpy did when he covered Locher’s last storyline:

Ah, the deaths of Dick Tracy villains. Torched in a wind generator fire. Killed in a fall from the U.S. Capitol Rotunda. Brain wiped clean. Killed in a fall down a smokestack. Blown to bits. Crushed under a bulldozer. Dismembered by a pack of dogs. Immolated in a car fire. Pancaked by a falling antique warplane. And now, eaten alive by rats. Say it with me: Eaten. Alive. By. Rats.

And now, after a respectful moment of silence, let’s move on to the comment of the week!

“Great to see Funky Winkerbean’s shout-out to the Comics Tortoise! I’ve always loved his early work at Marvel, and the way he can withdraw into his shell when threatened.” –Jack Loves Comics

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Come on, Josh! The wife barging in is part of his whole fetish fantasy. Look at that rooster headdress she’s got on! Look at his boots! The little people in bodysuits. Live Skype of Aunt May getting laid on her wedding night. There’s about to be some freaky fetish sex going down!” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Slylock: ‘Good news, I’ve solved the mystery of why the Beavers’ apartment didn’t get robbed!‘ Chief O’Hound: ‘But did you catch the robber?’ Slylock: ‘Sorry, only one mystery a day, that’s the rule.’” –Chyron HR

“Poor Max is forced to stay outside. Slylock’s adopted sidekick went overboard on the interrogation earlier when he didn’t like their alibi. You might say that his Ward was a little hard on the Beaver last night.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Judging from the big backyard and white picket fence, the Beavers live in what used to be Hi and Lois’ house. I don’t know what’s worse, that our favorite suburban family was probably cooked and eaten by the now monstrous-size squirrels and bunnies who lived in their neighborhood (in a bourbon-Thirsty sauce, no doubt), or that their home has been divided into sparse, tiny apartments by a Soviet-style centralized animal government for some of the ‘lesser species’ to live in.” –BigTed

“Don’t worry, Johnny, I’d never abandon you. I soon as I figure out how to reverse the effects of the shrink-ray, I’ll come back and return you to normal size. This is no life for a forty-year man!” –Peanut Gallery

“Why do his drawings look so familiar? Oh, wait, they’re the standard renderings of Michael Jackson and Mr. Bean that every sidewalk caricaturist in a tourist area uses.” –nescio

“Jared won’t get anywhere in a dating battle with a hot shaggy-haired doctor … not unless he does something about that overbite. Fortunately, I’m sure Santa Royale has plenty of underground plastic surgeons to serve its many aging California matrons. He could probably get a jaw extension for a couple thousand dollars!” –Vulcan With a Mullet

“Hunh, Rebel Without a Cause came out in 1955… if we assume May is somewhere in her 70s, then… [does math] yes, May almost definitely had a crush on James Dean when she was young. [looks at Mole Man] I mean I guess things turned out well for her.” –Dan

“Hi is clearly saving his cash for a pickled hot dog.” –Grover

“In any other comic, a child falling out of a bouncy castle and landing headfirst would be a tragedy and the focus of weeks of strips. In Funky Winkerbean, it’s just all part of the background gloom. It’s certainly nowhere near as serious as, say, a cartoonist’s artistry being insufficiently appreciated.” –Schroduck

“Sure, we mock Thirsty for having no real hope about his future and thus squandering the little money he has in working-class gambling. But what about Hi, who feels that the balance of work and family is so fragile that it would be shattered by a drastic change of economic status? This is pitch-black social anxiety and I fully endorse it.” –Ettorre

“Jared teaches Dawn a new yoga pose, ‘downward dork.’” –seismic-2

“I love how Mark’s fight trash talk always makes him sound less like a bad ass vigilante and more like an upset parent. ‘I’ve had enough of you! I’m done with your attitude! I’m not even mad, just disappointed!’” –pugfuggly

“I love the cinematic aspect of these recent Mark Trail strips. And by ‘cinematic’ I mean ‘violent fighting in the rain without mussing up your hair or your clothes, or getting any cuts or bruises on your face.’” –Larry McAwful

“Dawn’s going to list all the patients’ e-mail addresses as ‘CC’ instead of ‘BCC’, isn’t she? Is this a sexual harassment story line or a HIPAA one?” –Boophilus

“Now, I know what you’re thinking, Mark. Did I fire one shot, or no shots? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself. I’m … well, not very intelligent. That’s why I turned to a life of crime. That, and an abusive home life. It’s a sad story, you probably don’t want to hear it. But I’m getting distracted. Very distractible, I am that. Anyway, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya, Mark? Because I don’t. This whole robbery’s gone pretty far south by now, and it’s wet and I’m cold. What was I talking about again?” –Voshkod

“I know the old Mark Trail rule about facial hair == bad guy has been defunct for a while now, but I’d still love to see the woman with the gun remove her fake chin to reveal a beard long enough to make an Eastern Rite patriarch weep with envy.” –Nekrotzar

“‘What do they call inchworms in the rest of the world?’ says Billy as he maintains an uncomfortably long gaze with the audience. In the background a half-eaten wonton slides limply across the sidewalk. It’s a real departure from the past but I fully support Family Circus’s move into avant-guard French cinema.” –Escape Zeppelin

“This Mary Worth storyline is the Scott Pilgrim/American Psycho mashup we deserve.” –Lorne

“Chocolate cake? derived from cacao beans? brought to Europe sometime after 1517? Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this whole strip is actually occurring in modern times and Hagar has spent this whole time as a Gen-X LARPer, complete with neck beard and craft beers.” –maltmash3r

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.