“In the first panel, the cow is being affectionate; in the second panel, where the cat watches the cow warily, the cow has realized that other animals taste good. Panel three was cut by the censors.” –Old Man Shadow

“That she didn’t ask ‘Cop or fireman?’ the moment she met her long-lost father’s mustache means her dealings with The Man have all been imaginary.” –Rex_Thrillho, on Twitter

“I’m fairly certain Mary is going to swoop in and let them both know that they can agree to disagree, and that in any case, political convictions and opinions are bad. ‘You see this tasteless, beige casserole I prepared?’ she’ll say, ‘Nobody really likes it, but no-one really hates it either! It’s a nice middle-of-the-road option that everyone can grudgingly shovel into their mouths in the comforting knowledge that no-one else is really enjoying it either.’” –pugfuggly

“As absurd as the Mirakle Method and its playground-themed brainwashing technique is, I can far more readily believe in its efficacy than the idea of anyone finding Truck and Wanda to be ‘colorful characters.’” –jroggs

“I love the addition of the sign making it clear that Andy Bear is returning from a MUNICIPAL golf course — no $25 martinis at the 19th hole for the backbone of America! Just heading home after downing PBR tall boys on a patchy Par 3 course (next to the industrial district) the way the Lord intended!” –Quiggle

“Sonia, wait — you’ve got it all wrong! Mary Worth storylines can’t resolve themselves so soon! We’ve got to stuff this ludicrous conservative-father-meets-hitherto-unknown-liberal-daughter narrative full of cliches (nice peace sign on your knapsack, by the way) every day for the next, what, two months? Three years? Whatever. Also we have to do it all over again on weekends — but slower.” –Michael Beaumier

“OK, but let’s not sleep on the fact that Slylock’s very expensive custom helicopter is slower than a car from the 1950s. He should have listened to the engineers warning him that huge fox tail would wreak havoc on the aerodynamics.” –Schroduck

“The Lockhorns are spiteful and sad creatures, so they should be on Twitter, not Instagram.” –Ettorre

“NOW we know why Chip always has his hair covering his eyes: because he has freakish conjoined sclera like Sonic the damn Hedgehog.” –lo, on BlueSky

“Gina is of course completely done with this shit. She’s thinking, ‘As the only likable character in this strip, am I not way overdue for a spinoff?’” –matt w

“Let the peasants have their crime done in the shadows of tall building and sodium-vapor streetlights. The rich will risk the heist so long as it’s done under pristine moonlight, on top of the hill over the layer of city smog. It’s the only way to live (and possibly die).” –Philip

“I can think of few things more menacing than a small boy plotting the revival of 1950s borscht-belt insult comedy.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

“Sarge’s emotional journey in these two panels is quite something to behold. P1: Dogs are good. I love dogs. You got that right, Otto; they sure ARE man’s best friend. I see nothing ominous about the way you phrased that or trailed off. P2: My dog likes girls?! What the fuck?” –Violet

“When last we saw Mary, she was two startled eyes peering over this man-mountain’s shoulder, but here’s the thing: we never saw her leave. So … she’s still there, right? She’s been there the whole time … right? Setting out a lovely fruit bowl while Sonia raves about ‘the man,’ lovingly packaging up the rest of the tuna casserole while Keith splutters over his root beer, and now sitting juuuuust off-panel, staring intently as Keith does an internet. ‘I must see this through to the end,’ she thinks. ‘Hell, it’s either this or listening to Wilbur’s latest nonsense, and frankly, I just don’t have that in me today.’” –els

“‘I consider myself the man of your dreams.’ ‘You’re out in public incongruously naked, talking to a bird with hair and breasts who is drinking motor oil out of a wine glass. You’re the one dreaming, and I recommend a good shrink when you wake up.’” –nescio

“Why is the reverend looking at us? Why is he looking at us with a wistful expression? Has he actually hacked my computer’s webcam?” –BeckoningChasm

“I’m just trying to figure out what they’re watching this racy content on? Broadcast TV? But that wouldn’t be that racy. Cable? But isn’t the point that the Hootin’ Holler is isolated from everywhere, so cable wouldn’t reach them? Broadband? Please. The only conclusion is that their neighbors are inside the TV performing a particularly obscene puppet show version of When Harry Met Sally.” –Lawyerbob

“Personally, I wish more comics were like today’s Beetle Bailey. ‘I invented this character to hate, as a joke. And after fifty years of hating him, I’m all out of jokes. But I’m not out of hate! You suck, Fuzz! My only remaining joy in life is drawing you frowning.’” –bunivasal

“The men are happy but Sarge sadly realizes that with the base’s limited resources there’s only room for the one mascot, Otto, at Camp Swampy. The next morning he’ll tell the men that the boy had to ‘go home.’” –Hibbleton

“It’s Barbie feminism at its finest that all these women use the old my-job-is-my-whole-identity paradigm just to package themselves for this hunk, but some of them got more game than others. ‘As a medic, I perscribe rest and diet. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of ALL your bodily needs’: Smart and sexy, A+. ‘You think only doctors can be nutritionists? Ha! Pilots are the real doctors!’: Stop copying off your neighbor, Flygirl, C-. ‘Mapping my way to you’: Clever, poetic, B+. ‘Before you know it, I’ll be speaking you fluently’: Doesn’t really make sense but I respect the moxie, B-. ‘Liaison to … you?’: Embarrassing, I expect better from an ‘intelligence’ officer, but then again, you don’t see anything hinky about an obvious alias like ‘John X’ so maybe my expectations shouldn’t be too high, D.” –T Campbell

“When I was a kid, my dad would take me and my brothers to the park to throw boomerangs. We never hit a bird, but sometimes the birds would fly close enough that they’d turn and start chasing the boomerangs as if they were chasing an intruder on their territory. This is basically a roundabout way of saying that a bird-penned boomerang story would probably be very spiteful, and probably end up as a popular hate-read in the world of birds.” –Glarryg

“Yes, the story of the Commonwealth Aircraft Corporation Boomerang. Rushed into service at the beginning of World War II to provide Australia with a domestically produced fighter aircraft, it ended up being too slow and heavy for effective flying. Fascinating stuff. I really identify with it.” –Voshkod

“The Root Beer Council’s proposed sponsorship of the show Finding Your Roots was turned down due to PBS refusing to place cans of root beer in critical shots on the show. So if they can’t reach the hardcore genealogy market with a bad pun, they can at least hit the geriatric newspaper readership, who will hopefully be inclined to serve root beer when their descendants come around asking for stories.” –Philip

“What, you think my bullshit job or my wife’s on-again/off-again catering business pays for all this? This house was bought with Alpo commercial money.” –pugfuggly

“The important thing here is, this minimum wage hat wearer at the Snarl Box isn’t at all shy about telling Hi Flagston that he thinks Hi does depraved and disgusting things with his wadded and rolled-up currency. ” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“The authorities wanted to take you away to live in a normal home, but I know you belong in an old wooden crate.” –Peanut Gallery

“I know where it’s going: down some stripper’s g-string! Good day, sir!” –2+2=7

“What’s Santa Royale’s neighboring city that’s never been mentioned before? Taft! You’re damn right.” –Schroduck

“Gotta give it to Sonia, talking in exposition is one way to distract your root beer engorged foe from the telegraphed punch you’re about to throw.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In the neighboring city of Taft/ Oppressed folx have been getting the shaft/ Allies speak with precision/ To fend off cruel derision/ But The Man still considers them daft.” –Fausto

“I got a B- in sticking it to the man.” –Dennis Jimenez

“Or did that doctor say it was a tumor in my brain? Well, either way you’re not getting promoted, butter bar.” –jroggs

“The government just wants control over the people! That’s why I’m studying to be a social worker, so the government can never tell me what to do! What’s that? Most social workers are employed by the government? Who control their jobs? And their salaries? Um, I think I’m gonna need another root beer, Daddy-o … make it a double!” –BigTed

“I’m honestly just curious what Sam’s mug says. ‘Mom?’ ‘Motherf***** get your own cup?’ ‘Me Lucky Charms?’ This is going to bug me all day.” –The Rambling Otter

“Rex isn’t shocked; he’s incredulous. He thinks he can Barney Google his way out of having to appear in his eponymous strip, but the plot keeps finding him.” –Vice President John Adams

“Anyone else alarmed by Mary’s ‘People have often praised it over the years’? I’m thinking the next line might be ‘The others are dead.’” –Ken

“Chip’s alleged teenager tendencies have always been a few decades behind, so it’s actually quite a bit refreshing to see that he’s become an Orioles bandwagoner.” –jroggs

“Anyway I like to think that ‘Be curious, not judgmental’ is telling Keith how to react to the tuna casserole.” –matt w

“You bastards. You had to remind me of one of my favorite candy bars that’s no longer available, at least in the United States. ‘Great dinner, honey! What’s for dessert? I sure could go for a delicious Oh Henry! bar right about now!’ [Glares at everyone in angry silence]” –Peanut Gallery

“How long can Mary stand on tip-toes to peer over Keith’s shoulder? This is where her exercise routine pays off.” –Midtown

“First Keith shows up looking like beefy Aldo. Now he’s doing Wilbur’s heretofore-unknown-adult-child plot. Is he just going to speedrun through being the whole of Mary Worth history, showing everyone at Charterstone what their lives could have been like if they’d just hit the gym a little? (Basically the same but Mary has a harder time dominating the panel.)” –Dan

“Actually, Loretta, for your information, I just infiltrated a high school by posing as a student like in 21 Jump Street. On a related note, it didn’t work, and I’d brace myself for the police that are about to knock our door down.” –ectojazzmage

“I believe otherwise and, I can paint a fuller picture for you. Can I COME IN? Just help me with this full-sized easel, and this rolling cart filled with my oils and acrylics—here, you! Old lady! Carry this collection of brushes and don’t mash them—those are my expensive Japanese—okay, put the baking dish down first. What the hell is that, anyway? It smells like my cat’s canned tuna. Gak! Okay, set it up over by the window. Don’t you even have a northern exposure in this dump? Now, ‘Dad,’ you sit in the chair and fold your hands on your lap … tilt your head up just a little … turn your head a bit more to the left — there! Now, just hold that position while I paint a fulle picture for you. You can see by my canvas that I’ve already painted myself into this piece. It’s a family portrait and I call it ‘Fool Me Once.’” –Charterstoned

“The problem with learning is that it never stops. Unlike, say, our teacher’s body, which appears to end at the bottom of the chalk board. Stupid school board cutbacks.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I like your sense of humour! Puns so tame they go by almost unnoticed are really my jam. Speaking of jam, is it possible to make the food without any flavour whatsoever?” –pugfuggly

“I still have CDs and only got rid of my flip phone a couple of years ago — I’m lucky if I can get adults interested in talking to me.” –Pozzo

“Why has Susan’s face abruptly gone all gratified devious grinch in the final panel? Did the coworker’s story suggest some promising potential refinements to her plan to steal Halloween?” –Violet

“The murderer in Curtis shows up at the door: ‘I’ve got an Ice to Pikk with you! Wait, that didn’t sound right, let me try again. You’ve Pikked the wrong guy to have messed with! No … that’s not really that great, wait! I got it! You can Pikk your friends but you can’t Pikk your…’ [door slams in his face]” –The Rambling Otter

“Well, the good thing is they only have what, two or three outfits each? Packing all their clothes should take five minutes, maybe less.” –Jason1981