“I know people have been talking about how ‘disgusting’ and ‘disturbing’ the recent Six Chix is, but a bird with no pants on beaming at a possible cure for incontinence is what gives me the heebie-jeebies. (‘Roz won’t have to burn the seats I sit on anymore. Score!’)” –2+2=7

“Wait a minute, narration box, you’re not supposed to use that about someone’s ex! ‘Ed is happily remembering the sex he had with Sheila, while lubriciously anticipating the sex he’s going to have with Estelle.’ That is … kind of a healthy attitude, maybe, but it’s not healthy to acknowledge it?” –matt w

“‘When do I get some rest?’ Mmm, I guess the other 16 hours Beetle is not sleeping on you! The bed is lazier than Beetle!” –Ettorre

“Estelle is a bit concerned. She’d been assuming Stylish Retired Schoolteacher was Ed’s type, but is he actually more into the Artsy Congresswoman aesthetic? Or has he put that behind him, one hopes?” –Violet

“Today’s Alice is very irresponsible. You can’t just ask newspaper readers to take the massive doses of psychoactive drugs needed to write Alice.” –Schroduck

“There’s a wonderful old hymn that I want played nice and loud at my funeral: ‘For all the saints, who from their labors rest…’ That ain’t a dream bubble and Alice ain’t organizing anyone, is what I’m getting at.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Sophie is smiling because she thinks the strip was cancelled and she can finally be free. But, like Sisyphus, her torment is repetitive and never-ending. Fall may have come to Judge Parker but the sweet winter of final release never will.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Only local and national news outlets? What’s the matter, AFP and Al Jazeera? Is high school football in some random American small town too real for your weak-hearted audience?” –jroggs

“She’s talking to me, isn’t she? Can she see me? I’m not dressed. Stop looking at me!” –Pozzo

“Everyone complained so much about Judge Parker plots being impossible to follow that they’ve resorted to explicitly stating when the current storyline is over. Now if they really want to be kind to their frazzled and confused readers, they’ll do like Gasoline Alley and let us have a nice little nap before the next story begins!” –Peanut Gallery

“Ha ha, imagine you had a roommate with dandruff so terrible that you were literally choking on it, and you couldn’t leave the small space you share together, and neither could he, and there was really nothing either of you could do about it and … guys, I don’t know if we should be keeping fish as pets.” –pugfuggly

“I do kinda appreciate Beetle Bailey stickin’ it to their demographic. Get with the times, gramps! I kid. They’re definitely on Facebook getting radicalized.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Now: ‘Look, please calm down, the police are on the scene and the FBI is on the way. We will find out what happened to this entire classroom of children but, if we had to bet, it’s Dennis’ fault.’

Before: ‘I don’t know, Dennis, but I know how we can find out! Let’s all get on the Magic School Bus and go to Lindisfarne in 793!’ Credit sequence, musical interlude, then screaming, burning, and finally silence broken only by the crash of the waves and the mournful call of the gull.” –Voshkod

“Upon telling Estelle to take the reins, Ed was reminded of a horse he had to geld later this week. So much to do!” –Philip

“Ian as a silverback male gorilla and Toby as a marmoset are a natch but what about Mary? Do they make human sized wasp costumes?” –Hibbleton

“I appreciate how steadfastly Estelle wants an animal theme when Ed is all, ‘when I think about animals, all I think about is death.’ This might be the first emo wedding to feature lemurs.” –taig

“Well, Lois is being rude by not taking off her hat in the restaurant, so I’d say they’re even.” –Peanut Gallery

“The important thing is that the Flagstons are disrespected and everyone is unhappy! The emotional turmoil has caused Chip to literally regress to an eight-year-old, because the artists have forgotten that teenage boys usually aren’t a head shorter than their moms.” –matt w

“The wife’s problem will become clear when Ernie’s revealed as the ‘Choke ’em and Smoke ’em’ serial killer.” –Ken

“First today’s Pluggers made me contemplate mammaries on a bird, then I thought, shouldn’t Sheila Roo’s tits be inside of her pouch? Long story short, I’m in a dark place.” –nescio

“You’re a plugger if you always wished for a cleavage but you didn’t get it because, you know, you are a bird! But thanks to an entire generation of plastic surgeons raised on furry porn, your wish can come true!” –Ettorre

“Uh-oh. Looks like Truck’s fingers have become arthritic due to decades of masturbation. What? This is a ‘family paper’. Ok, it’s due to decades of [heavy finger quoting] ‘guitar playing’ then.”–2+2=7

“‘So send up our drones!’
‘Can’t, sir. They have some anti-drone technology.’
‘So deploy our anti-anti-drone tech!’
‘We tried. They’re using anti-anti-anti-drone fields!’
‘Cut though with our anti-anti-anti-anti-drone beams!’
‘No dice. They’re anti-anti-anti-anti-anti-drone shields are deflecting our anti-anti-anti-anti-drone beams!’
‘The deviousness. OK, can we launch our anti-anti…’
[Six weeks later]
‘…anti-anti-drone meerkats?’
”fraid not. They have anti-meerkat cobras in the field.’
‘Of course, but our anti-anti-meerkat-cobra-mongeese can surely handle that!’
‘Good thinking, chief!'” –Voshkod

“See I would have guessed that the next Truck Tyler medical issue would be a hive of parasites living in his muttonchops.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“So how many veterinarians are there in Santa Royale, anyway? I thought Ed was it. This kind of shoots down his ‘I’m too busy to help you plan our wedding’ excuse.” –Pozzo

“This doesn’t look like any convention I’ve been to. Where are the bored people at their booths desperately trying to give away free stuff in hopes of a few minutes of human interaction?” –Liam

“Specifically I’m reading this article ‘Annoying NASCAR-Crazed Grandma Ruins Race Day Again.’ You heard about this maniac?” –Schroduck

“General Halftrack’s computer has no keyboard. He merely taps his fingers against a board. For all we know, it also has no screen, and he just stares at a board, too. His desk has no telephone, pens, pencils, papers, letters, in- and out-boxes, stapler, envelopes, paper clips, or other office supplies. The ‘computer’ has no printer, and if it did, it too would likely be a board. This raises the question … how did the general’s wastebasket get full in the first place? I suspect that some other private, maybe Killer or Rocky, comes in ahead of Beetle, bearing a basket full of trash, which it is then Beetle’s job to empty. Scoff if you will, but this ritual is crucial to the operation of Camp Swampy. If it were not for this steady stream of full wastebaskets emerging from General Halftrack’s office, the Army would have every reason to have him declared legally dead.” –seismic-2

“‘WEET!’ ‘What is it, Coach?’ Son, no trash talking, okay? I want people to think of you, and the quality of having high moral principles and a stately demeanor, in the same breath!’ ‘No. Don’t say it, Coach.’ ‘Yep. Barnes and Noble!’” –Bob Tice

“What Jordan really means is, ‘Anyone who has achieved our level of verbal skills has no excuse for not being toilet trained. Simple as that.’” –MKay

“Gil, no! I need closure on this profanity!” –Dan

“Mary pounding at the window, desperate to hear more about this estranged cousin situation. Former best friends? Decades apart? Major upcoming life event that gives them the opportunity to reconcile? ‘THIS BETTER NOT BE A THROWAWAY COMMENT TO TEE UP ED’S POOR WORK-LIFE BALANCE’ she shouts, smashing a wet muffin in her hand as rain lashes down.” –Dan

“A ‘still-hard Herky’s bar’ sounds way dirtier than anything in a so-called ‘kid’s’ comic ever should.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Good to see Lee Falk is unhappy as the rest of us when forced to think about The Phantom.” –jroggs

“I think the world post-Animalpocalypse is probably much more oxygen-rich than our own, which helps the animals have much more powerful brains and allows Mike to grow so large (since, after all, chitin is relatively strong for its weight). That might also explain why Slylock is so often standing around with that loopy grin on his face. It’s not only smugness. It’s also a teensy bit of hyperoxia.” –Chance

“Man, when you start adding people from the ‘estranged relative’ section of your guest list, your wedding is either too big or you don’t have enough friends. I’m betting on the latter in this case.” –pugfuggly

“Actually, Mike the Monster Mosquito won’t be ‘feasting on flower nectar and plant juices,’ he’ll be starving slowly to death as his hijacked body flings itself helplessly but uselessly against the skin of terrified animals under the Count’s command. Sorry, that got a bit grim. Although not as grim as ‘This pit bull we’ve never seen before is getting the wrong medication for its illness’ and ‘Gertie’s cat is trapped somewhere and/or dead.’” –Schroduck

“Gee, I’m sure glad we went through this whole plot about how terrible bullying is so we can get something that would realistically cause more bullying.” –Needless Exposition

“I wonder if the employee of Walker-Browne Industries that wrote this strip was able to write off their trip to Kansas City as ‘research,’ or at the very least their meal at the rib place they ate at.” –Westing1992

“It’s funny because they’ll turn to the backup plan for winter warmth: beaver pelts.” –nescio

“Speaking as a northlander who once lived in a small village where in the winter the power and water would often fail from the cold and we’d have to huddle around the fireplace to survive the night (this happened last in 1996 by the way), I’m gonna say Hägar and family will probably be fine. Judging by their lack of a woodshed to keep the firewood safe, these are soft southerners, probably in Denmark or someplace warm like that.” –Amelie Wikström

“Dutch camera angles, characters who never look at one another when they speak and whose dialog is always mismatched … we’re only black-and-white film and long introspective silences away from the Ingmar Bergman era of Mary Worth, and you know what? It makes far more sense this way. Låt den svenska expressionismen rulla säger jag! Wilbur är mycket bättre på det här sättet!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“The usual way would be to get several manila folders, with a color-coded tab for each vendor, but if you’re making the folder from scratch — shredding wood, boiling it down to pulp, dying, rolling, cutting, and all — I can see why one would be enough until this whole ‘wedding’ excitement passes.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Start with the cameras facing the sea. Get me a geofence so we can see all the cell phones in the area. Hack the National Geospatial Intelligence Agency so we can get raw take from the spy sats. You, seduce the head of COMOCEANSYSLANT and find out if the Integrated Undersea Surveillance System sensors picked up any unusual splashes. Me, I’m going to go beat a bit of truth out of Poseidon, king of the depths. If anyone saw something, he did. Let’s get cracking, people!” –Voshkod

“That is the face of a man who knows about furries and knows his fiancée doesn’t know.” –Stronk Pony Club, on BlueSky

“Wilbur RSVPs: ‘Does it have to be a mammal?’” –Hibbleton

“Sage has been part of various French colonial projects for centuries, eventually winding up in Algeria. He’s committed many unforgivable sins, and the Haitian voodoo priestess warned him that not only would he have to live the years he cost the slaves he traded to the colony, but the sins of all those years would pile up into a karmic debt he would pay in the afterlife. No Catholic priest could forgive him, there is no home with the Muslim natives he oppressed, let alone the Jews after his collaboration as a member of the Vichy government. He lives in the cave to avoid adding more to his debts and hide from the looming spectre of death who walks the land with a parade of his many victims in tow.” –Philip

“Crock, sadly, makes more sense when you realize that they’re in the Sonoran desert, home of saguaro cacti, not the Sahara. You can write the whole mess off to peyote.” –Downpuppy

“Is casual dress even permitted at all in military offices? I don’t know Army policy, but then again the Beetle Bailey people don’t either.” –Tom T.