“I figure he’d rather stay out of jail than cause us any trouble. Unless he can figure out a way to do both; then we’re screwed.” –Pozzo

“‘And on a third hand…’ Just how many hands does this CIA woman HAVE, anyway? Was she issued additional hands when she joined the CIA? Who’s PAYING for all these extra hands, I’d like to know? I’m assuming she’s allowed to carry a concealed hand, but you can’t do much with that unless you have the extra arm stock. No wonder our taxes are so high!” –Charterstoned

“So, a steady diet of cottage cheese results in a grotesquely misshapen head? Seems like something people should know.” –MKay

“I know people dress up for church, but do they normally wear tuxedos with bow ties and pocket squares? Are the Mitchells are watching their son harass the maître d’ at the fanciest, most blasphemous restaurant in town?” –Schroduck

“The sly little smile makes so much sense though. ‘You think we’re only on those phones for four hours. Think again, cow, think again.’” –Roam85

“Imagine you’re a young, idealistic woman like Sonia. You search for your biological dad; you have high expectations for him but then it turns out his profession and lifestyle conflict with your principles. Break relations, no great loss, right? WRONG! He will trace you back and start banging your mom! Happy therapy!” –Ettorre

“I like how Mary doesn’t even try to be discrete about dishing on the new neighbor. I mean, look how smug she looks! ‘Yeah, I caught a pretty hot one this time. It’s like I always say, Toby: keep at least 4 casseroles on hand at all times, you never know when one is going to pay big gossipy dividends.’” –pugfuggly

“I do like the implication that Julius sneaks off-base to steal mints from a local hotel so he can accurately replicate his rituals from his motel days. Presumably we’ll eventually get a strip that’s just a headline reading ‘local soldier shot while breaking and entering; protests that he only wanted candy.’” –ectojazzmage

“[Offscreen: a 3-inch binder that Mary peruses as she speaks] For example, were you aware of Keith‘s long and torturous journey through potty training? According to testimony from his mother offered during his Navy SEAL background check…” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Women: caring whether their loved ones live or die! You gotta hand it to ’em. [shakes head ruefully]” –a.

“The Mitchell’s discovered holidays are much more manageable if they lace Dennis’s portion of turkey with crushed Benadryl tablets.” –nescio

“This is a very important moment in Margaret’s development; you can see the scales fall from her eyes as she reflects, ‘you know, maybe he really is just a lump of clay.’ She’s way ahead of schedule and has my unreserved admiration and respect.” –Violet

“Comic strips are a visual medium, Rex Morgan! I want to see the humorously disparate sizes of these lawyers!” –matt w

“Who here has to most to be thankful for? Mimi for having a husband and children that look the other way on her aggressive infidelity? Keri for having parents that are completely apathetic about a 15-year-old who casually gets pregnant and attacks her classmates with weapons? Gil for achieving success, acclaim, and stability despite being an abject failure as a coach, teacher, husband, father, and overall human being? No, it’s Mimi’s mother, who will soon be dead from her vague terminal illness and free of all this nonsense.” –jroggs

“There’s no room on that tiny table to put the turkey down. Good thing Mary is prepared to stand there all day like a robot butler.” –Peanut Gallery

“Today, pluggers are torn between two worlds: Enjoying the naked celebration of consumerism that made their generation everything it is, and complaining about things being different than they used to be.” –Amelie Wikström

“[Checks in on Judge Parker for the first time in months] wait they live in America, right, wouldn’t it be the FBI who[immediately gets angry with myself for putting even that much thought into it it]” –Dan

“If the joke at the end of today’s Dustin seems a bit limp, it’s because it’s a last-minute replacement after the syndicate rejected the original final two panels where Dustin’s dad quietly swerves the car into a crowd of young pedestrians and smashes directly into the side of a building.” –stepped pyramids

“At least one of those attractive women in Blondie should have been carrying a six-foot party sub.” –Rex Thrillho, on Twitter

“Someone should demonstrate to all those dexterously challenged folks in Santa Royale that the speaker feature would allow them to use their cell phones without actually having to hold them.” –Charterstoned

“It’s funny because according to wistful halcyon memories of the Boomer stereotype generation, the last panel actually is how “it used to be.” See, you got what you wanted, Helen, so strap on your apron and heels and get cracking!” –2+2=7

“Many vulture populations worldwide are collapsing because they eat the corpses of farm animals who received medicine in their final days that’s toxic to birds. What I’m saying is, that buzzard better be careful what it wishes for. Sure, most people who visit Granny Creeps are dead within the week, but unless the vulture waits until all the herbal elixirs in Snuffy’s bloodstream are metabolized, it’ll meet the exact same fate.” –Schroduck

“Either Gasoline Alley is set here, or the comic just got picked up again by the Charlotte Observer after it got dropped decades ago for Dilbert or Cathy or something. I don’t care enough to fact-check, so I will assume this is shout out to one of the few newspapers and markets willing to pick up this century old strip.” –Philip

“Is that an EKG readout pinned to the nurse’s desk? You’ve got to hand to Doc Pritchart. Hiding your HIPAA violations in plain sight is a bold move.” –Weaselboy

“Charlotte, home of Giant Helicopters, Inc., your one-stop shop for all your giant helicopter needs. From the lowly Chinook to the Mil V-12, if it looks too big to fly, you can get it at Giant Helicopters! Just off I-85, look for the dangerously massive rotors!” –Voshkod

“Looks like even Dagwood is a slave to quantification and arbitrary numerical benchmarks. Where’s the poetry of mindlessly gorging yourself on food until you faint or puke?!” –Ettore Costa, on Bluesky

“The alien is the only thing that isn’t half-assed about this strip.” –Rusty

“Just once, I’d like to see one of these food service people not be as enthusiastically committed to specialized hedonism as Dagwood. Just once, let there be a butcher who stares with dead eyes as Dagwood describes at length his ideal (i.e., enormous) turkey, only to finally interject in a monotonous voice, ‘Why don’t you just buy two instead, you weird gluttonous fuck?’” –jroggs

“It is true that the ‘joke’ in today’s Marvin is so unfunny as to be unrecognizable as an attempt at humor without the use of extremely sophisticated instruments, but on the other hand, look at Jeff’s face in panel two! Ha ha, he’s so mad! Ignore the text — just imagine it’s a lot of nonsense babbling like in some European cartoons for kids — and enjoy Jeff’s futile outrage.” –Chance

“May we, like Trixie, treasure our relationship with Apollo, the Sun God, who is our personal friend and — dare I say it? — savior. Hi & Lois: The NeoPagan Comic.” –jerp+jump

“Is it just me, or do Dot and Suzy look like they’ve been topping up their juice with a bit of gin? Girls, everyone feels like your ‘BFF’ when you’ve had a few. Just stay cool and try not to get any matching tattoos.” –pugfuggly

“Ah, yes, crawling-age babies, known for spending their days in quiet contemplation of nature’s beauty.” –a.

“Look, I don’t want to tell the writers of Daddy Daze how to do their jobs, but if a baby can, with a single syllable, communicate even semi-complex ideas to his father, said baby should also have the wherewithal to know that literally no wind instrument is played by flinging one’s arms indiscriminately about, nor should a grown adult man see the flailing arms of an infant and think, ‘This child is pretending to play the oboe.’ Drums, perhaps? One of those four-keyboard setups that prog bands have? Very complicated theremin?” –els

“Come on, Sarge, brave and fearless? Surely they must be one or the other, but not both! And nobody can call Beetle a coward. This is a man who puts his life on the line to sleep on the job. Every bone in his body has been broken as a result of this, but still he keeps napping. Thank you for your slumber, Beetle Bailey.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I am a huge fan of cinnamon buns, and have gotten terribly, terribly lost in Charlotte. I am a Plugger and Gashole. I’m just a Lockhorn away from the Trifecta of Doom.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Oh, Christ. I bet each copy is different. I have to look at all of them, don’t I? Remind me again why we taught them to read?” –Lawyerbob

“Otto will not be distracted: the grave has been dug, only one of them can have Sarge’s affection.” –Old Man Shadow

“‘I wasn’t actually a spy, but I knew from experience that sometimes it’s better to tell an incriminating lie than the honest truth.’ –Thorvald the Treefucker, 873 CE” –jroggs

“Don’t worry, that flying sound was just Peter Pan. He’s coming through your window to steal your shadow, and there’s not a darn thing your parents can do about it. Well, sleep tight!” –BigTed

“Funny you mention our infamous cook, because guess who’s going into his pot tonight? Hint: it rhymes with woo.” –ectojazzmage

“I’m pretty sure the logical opposite of ‘it wasn’t Moe or Larry’ is ‘it was Moe AND Larry.’ Yes I, a professional computer scientist, have proved that this puzzle for children is internally inconsistent. No, I’m not proud of that.” –Stuart F

“I AM ONCE AGAIN WARNING REX MORGAN NOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THINGS BEING BORING” –matt w

“If you decide to depict a dog that walks on its hind legs, you should make all mammals in your comic strip bipedal. That way may lead to the Slylockverse, but at least it will add some visual interest to your work when you don’t have a joke for the day.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I know it’s dark out, Helga, but remember this is November and you’re in Scandinavia. It’s probably what, 2 p.m. right now?” –TheDiva

“Li’l Sparky’s attempt to score weed completely fails.” –nescio

“…it’s up to them. But not if feeling good starts to alleviate their physical ailments. My AMA buddies will have him shut down faster than you can sing ‘Muddy Boots’…” –But What Do I Know?

“First it was NCAA athletes being able, after a century of exploitation, to sign Name, Image and Likeness deals. Now every Gen-Zer with a social media account wants their own brand deal. The Army, always chronically struggling to fill its ranks, will soon have to adjust to the times.” –Philip

“‘Hoo boy, what a bunch of nonsense’ he says after sitting in front of the TV for thirty minutes. Loath as I am to admit it, Rex Morgan, M.D. understands the very current concept of ‘hate-watching.’” –Ettorre

“Hmm, sounds like Sarge is referring to the Peter Principle, though while that was framed as a flaw in a hierarchical system, here is seems to be an intentional strategy to maximize incompetency, presumably to ensure they never get deployed to an active warzone.” –pugfuggly

“Hi and Lois has discovered mid 2000s Office-style mugging to the audience, adjust expectations for the funny page’s rolling delay on pop culture awareness accordingly.” –Dan

“So, today’s Hi & Lois expects me to believe that, in 2023, A) A suburban middle-class family with four kids and two working, salaried parents would only have one car B) teenage boys are still all-in on the sideways baseball cap wave C) you need a license to borrow 20 dollars. I’d comment on Hi reading a physical newspaper but I’ve written enough as is.” –Irrischana