“The key to success in crime, Rene thought, is finding people dumb enough not to file kidnapping charges because you give them the old repentant criminal bit. Your murder beefs become six month stints, your kidnapping charges don’t even get filed. Morons are where it’s at.” –jerp+jump

“I like to imagine that Zero is doing this because he exasperated Sarge or the officers so much that they told him to ‘go fly a kite‘, like in old-fashioned comics. The officers had to keep this G-rated insult not because of children reading the strip but because they know Zero is literal-minded and they don’t want the horror that would occur if they told him to ‘go fuck yourself!’” –Ettorre

“Sure, there are lots of things you can do with three fingers and a thumb — drop your coffee, read a two-page book, play a three-stringed guitar, fly a kite two feet in the air. But just think how much these guys could accomplish if the artist had the ability to draw their hands with four fingers and a thumb — heck, they could probably fight an entire war or something! Not win it, of course, but they’d get points for trying.” –BigTed

“But can humans sniff each other’s butts? Well, yeah, I guess they can, but it’s frowned on in public.” –Pozzo

“Keith has spent the last few days installing five extra locks on his door, but hey, the casserole can be squeezed under it, spoonful by determined spoonful.” –MKay

“Good idea, Mary, give the single man living by himself a sixteen-serving casserole that, even if by some miracle he likes it, he’ll never be able to finish before it starts to molder in his fridge. That will REALLY endear you to him.” –TheDvia

“Ah, good old General Halftrack! The character famously established as always up to date and using the latest technology, unlike SPC Chip Gizmo, a character that the strip introduced in 2002 apparently for no reason whatsoever! Also if anyone gives me guff about saying ‘latest technology’ when QR codes were invented in 1994 we are both going to wind up in The Hague but I am going to have enjoyed it more.” –matt w

“It’s funny how the punchline to this strip is essentially ‘I’m horny!’ Wait, I mean off-putting. I mean, look at those eyes. [shivers]” –pugfuggly

“I tried to extrapolate the QR code on the assumption that it had been lifted from a product found in a Walker-Browne household, meaning that it was invented no later than 1965. I’m thinking either Sanka or Pond’s Cold Cream.” –Tom T.

“But the good news is I told them to shove it! So they’ll be here in 15 minutes to pick up this creepy little shit and I’ll never have to see him again!” –jroggs

“Who says ‘out of stir’ except …[Buzz pulls off his wig and goatee-covering latex appliance] OTHER CRIMINALS!” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The choice to bold the word like here delights me. Mary has done the following things: decided to make a tuna casserole; pulled the pin and made said tuna casserole; placed it in a box that once held, if I’m not mistaken, a men’s dress shirt purchased at JC Penney, and still holds the tissue paper from that purchase; folded the tissue paper carefully over the tuna casserole; carried the tuna casserole up/down at least one flight of stairs; deflected this giant man’s no doubt polite attempts to reject a visit from a woman who is clearly on a truly mind-pummeling amount of cocaine; and, finally, waited for him to fold back the tissue paper and pick up a pan of tuna casserole that is either piping-hot or lukewarm at best, before wondering ‘Huh, I wonder if this guy actually likes tuna casserole.’ (She doesn’t care about the answer. He’s getting a casserole whether he likes it or not.)” –els

“I hope Keith Hillend is also open minded about 3rd degree burns after searing his bare hands on that piping hot cast iron baking dish that, only moments ago, Mary pulled steaming from her oven using thick oven mitts before placing it into an insulated bag and taking it directly to her upstairs neighbor.” –Charterstoned

“I’m no psychiatrist but if both my parents loomed over me while I did my homework (creative scribbling?) I’d probably engage in some menacing behavior myself.” –Hibbleton

“A biting satire on the arbitrariness with which the law is enforced? Or just wacky shenanigans? Either way, it does imply that someone is about to get 20 years as a joke.” –Anonymous (but not that one)

“Hootin’ Holler, which is much more interested in blood feuds than who sits in the remains of the White House or Capitol, doesn’t resist whichever regime will claim them, and throws up a patched blanket of whatever regime happens to be in charge and in town to try and enforce the claim. As soon as the regime’s sole functionary is called away, the blanket goes down and life goes on as it always has.” –Philip

“Naturally there’s a whole back room set up, complete with dartboard, ritualistically presented darts, and drunken Frenchman, when the modiste could simply pick a color or step away for a moment to pretend she’s consulting a designer. This really encapsulates what Crock is all about. It doesn’t matter how pointless and counterintuitive a scenario is; if it’s in the service of an unfunny half-joke that doesn’t really land anyway, Crock is always prepared to put in the work.” –Violet

“I like how the artist implies the dartboard was fashioned in a slapdash way to hide the fact that the artist had trouble drawing a dartboard.” –taig

“Mary to Toby: ‘Wait till you see the guy who just moved into Sual’s old place. What an Ass!’ ‘He’s a jerk?’ ‘No’” –Hibbleton

“I believe the joke is, riding the horse will make his butt sore, and ordinarily one would treat the soreness with liniment. So ‘preventive medicine’ is putting liniment on the saddle first. ‘Yeah! Something like that!’ is the appropriate response to this joke.” –Peanut Gallery

“Wrong, Dennis! After years of dealing with you, your mom has had an aneurysm and will be dead in minutes!” –Tmdess

“So did Mrs Nelson actually change her appearance (don’t answer, I don’t care), or is Curtis so stupid that he couldn’t parse what was going on with that sheet in from of her face? ‘Hey, we got a new teacher and her face is made of paper! Ha, don’t go out in the rain, Mrs Paperface, cuz you — OH NO IT’S MRS NELSON!’” –pugfuggly

“Maybe Curtis should be more concerned that Chutney has desecrated Charlie Chaplin’s grave and stolen his hat.” –Garrison Skunk

“What a wacky scenario for such a simple question, and Slylock’s answer is still wrong; up is a direction and does not point south from the North Pole. The correct answer is that Weirdly was speaking of the metaphorical south, by which he means he’s sending the foolish foxman to hell, courtesy of a fatal mauling by his diminutive purple lover. The aliens are just helping dispose of the corpse.” –jroggs

“Today’s Blondie is like one of those Platonic dialogues where one character’s lines are all ‘yes, Socrates,’ ‘to be sure, Socrates,’ ‘certainly, Socrates,’ if Socrates were an idiot.” –matt w

“If you lose your eyes to the eldritch powers and simply stand in the middle of a field listlessly as your mind falls into forever … you might be a plugger.” –ectojazzmage

“He’s thickening with every panel as if being mixed with corn starch.” –Brian Bergstrom, on BlueSky

“Hillend? Seriously? That’s a hobbit name, Kentish Hillend of the Brandybuck Hillends. Check his feet, Mary. He may be huge, but if they’re hairy, you’ve got a halfling on growth hormones to worry about.” –Voshkod

“Listen, Mister Redhead, do you know what comic strip you’re in? You are in Mary fucking Worth, and that means your tiresome and vaguely misogynistic turn-downs of help can go scratch. She will meddle and you will not stop her from meddling and that is, simply, that. Look at that sack of human heads / protein powder / old copies of Men’s Adventure Magazine, how it is LEAPING from that box in order to facilitate Mary’s meddling. That sack knows what time it is. Shut up and sit down, Mister Redhead. You’re about to learn that ladies can carry boxes whether you want to or not (spoiler alert: you don’t).” –els

“Why, though, Marvin’s dad? Is it the brown splotches on the dress that remind you of the daily hell your son subjects you to?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In the Blondie offices, as in most modern comics centers, gags are written down on 5×7 index cards (pink for in-house jokes, white for those generated by ‘humor consultants’), which are then shuffled and sorted by large automated conveyor belts driven primarily by steam. Occasionally a card will slip behind a machine and only discovered years later when the line is shut down for routine maintenance and the application of salami oil, and so we get a woefully dated premise such as we see today. This is just the way it is, no one can convince me otherwise.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“The bag? I keep my free Duluth Trading Company underwear in this bag and just wash it in a river once a month. It’s tough! And the smell! Woodsy!” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Is it because the burgers are so good? No, you schmuck! They need someone in the local business community to offset the cost of their jerseys. Hockey isn’t cheap, man!” –Old School Allie Cat

“The joke, such as it was, was complete at ‘my burgers look like hockey pucks.‘ Why does Dagwood say anything? Do the writers forget that Lou isn’t real, so they don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings” –Rube

“Say what you like about Loon, but he’s the only character in Shoe still managing to wring some kind of joy or excitement out of life. Even preteen Skylar has checked out, haunted by the constant screams from the master bathroom, but Loon keeps pushing on.” –Navigator

“Loretta forgot the number one rule of being a Lockhorn: points can only be scored in the moment with a single barb. Long games, like hanging up a banner in the hopes Leroy will remember that he forgot your anniversary, will never get you anywhere. Step it up, girl! Leroy never remembers anything unless he can use it against you! He’s used cheap beer to scour his hippocampus to a fine sheen, becoming a creature of pure id! This isn’t Judge Parker, whose characters can occasionally be induced to feel shame!” –Navigator

“My guess: the Gasoline Alley team discovered that there is a hamlet named Mosquitoville, Vermont, and said, ‘That’s gold! How can we use this?’ Sad that this was the best they could do.” –Pozzo

“The modern comics pages are full of anachronisms to help make Boomers feel that time hasn’t passed them by, but I refuse to think that even they believe that anyone still sends letters through the mail anymore, even to … advice hobos?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“How many accountants? I have to steal a car with a bigger trunk!” –Little Guy

“Dennis has forsaken High Church Anglicanism for a more evangelical service at the feet of … former congressman Harold Ford Jr? … as his homage to the Heroes of 9/11. I guess?” –bad wolf

“So in Pardon My Planet, the people in Heaven are still miserable? That checks.” –nescio

“I sure hope Saul doesn’t plan to throw away his collection of antimacassars. Those things are worse than six-pack plastic rings when it comes to entangling birds and wildlife.” –Charterstoned

“Have you ever thought about heaven? You’re up on clouds, man. So much closer to the sun! Think of how hot that’s gonna be! So come on down to Crazy Carl’s Cryo Lab! We’ll freeze your head for $99.95! An eternity of cool head comfort or for however long the freezer in Carl’s garage lasts and remains unknown to the local authorities!” –Old Man Shadow

“Sprocket Nitrate has wisely decided to make her escape, having realized that her gimmick (walking around barefoot, and being named ‘Sprocket Nitrate’) is not enough to give her rogue’s gallery immunity but just enough to greatly increase the chances of a painful and ironic death, possibly through tetanus.” –TheDiva

“It’s not so much they are eating orange goo, but the quantity Loretta prepared. There will be anniversaries of these leftovers, Leroy.” –Kevin On Earth

“‘I want a hanging sign that reads Happy Anniversary. ‘No problem. Here at Party City we have dozens! Shiny gold or silver, festive red, rainbow, what color do you want?’ ‘Black. Matte black. Funereal matte black.’ ‘Uh … looks like we’re out of stock! Try Goth Gala, two doors over.'” –Voshkod

“I am totally looking forward to learning the email address associated with Rene’s Venmo!” –taig

“Own it Elmo! Time to show that you are too cool for school. Go buy some booze and smokes, and, flash that mustachioed Elmo photo. Just say you shaved it off because it was itchy!” –tallyHO

“Leroy is using ‘she means well’ as a devastating insult. Yet more confirmation that the Lockhorns are Jewish, on Erev Rosh Hashanah yet. Have we not suffered enough?” –Matt Weiner, on Bluesky

“I like how the box it came in doesn’t look like it’s giftwrapped, but more like it’s warning that it is carrying dangerous contents. So maybe the joke is actually ‘polonium.’” –pugfuggly

“I love love love that Saul’s computer desk is a little dinner trolley with handles. ‘Hmm, methinks I shall partake of some internet. Garçon, the laptop, if you please. And a smartphone for the lady.’” –Schroduck