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Hey, look how early I am with today’s top comment!

“So Mr. Meatface over there considers disabled bears abnormal? That’s pretty insensitive, especially coming from a guy whose nostrils are about twelve inches away from his eyebrows.” –made of wince

And with the very funny runners up!

“Sure, panel five features Oscar The Grouch, Garbage Ape and Top Cat, but let’s not overlook the other beloved characters in line: Blackface Skunk, Vaguely Confused Owl, Hastily Sketched Creature Of Some Sort, and Terry The Ticklish Raccoon. A garbage night fiesta indeed!” –Cassandra Cat’s Lawyer

“Crank ignores an early warning sign of a heart attack. Certainly he’ll make another lame comment as pall bearer. ‘Never have so many lifted so much for so few’ or some such crap.” –Junior:Burping Cat of Warren,MI.

Funky Winkerbean: “Jess’s idea of ‘making a wedding video’ is sitting in the pew next to her camera being glad she got married.” –Uncle Lumpy

“GREY HOT ASHEN ACTION” –Failure Artist

“Is ‘stabbing a Romanian in a dark jungle’ euphemistic? IT IS NOW!!!!” –word-doctor

“If all that land comes with the house, I’d say that real estate lady is just trying a scam and will sell the property later to developers for millions. Who’s the real witch now, hmm?” –Berry

“I don’t mean to frighten you, but a wounded Mark Trail can be a lot more bland than a normal Mark Trail.” –nescio

“Like any dictator, Heath will post images of himself ubiquitously about the neighborhood, each with its sly eyes saying ‘I’m not directly facing you but I’m watching’ and the single protruding tooth symbolizing the threat of violence and the rakish whiskers protruding from the picture frame saying ‘I can come down from this picture, folks. Believe it.'” –hogenmogen

“What’s in that crock that Mary’s bringing in? It’s ‘nothing’, right? Because there is no interior to that crock? Because it’s actually a huge crack rock sculpted into the shape of a crock, and Mary is only loudly talking about whatever smug crap she’s talking about to throw the feds off her trail as she smuggles the stuff to her newest mule.” –bunivasal

“I could have been back 3 hours ago, but I really needed to stand around flexing.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Her sorrow belongs only the her. The horse tranquilizers I have her hooked on, though, those belong to me, and she knows it.” –Voshkod

“The words say ‘I don’t care about her feelings, issues, or thoughts.’ But that sly smile says ‘if you know what I mean, eh? No, don’t go, stay a bit, these sleepy eyes can not care about you, too. Both of you at the same time, even.'” –Margaret

“The hand that worries me the most is the one in the first panel. If a hand that size were plopped down on my shoulder while someone was telling me that I was about to become their ‘super sub’, I’d flee in panic before they pulled out the bun, lettuce, and mayo.” –seismic-2

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hey y’all, just a reminder for those of you who will be in New York City or NYC-adjacent this weekend that I will be participating in a live show where I and other funny people, including Bob Powers (of the “Just Make A Choice!” Choose-Your-own-Adventure series and the hugely popular GirlsArePretty blog) and Andrea Shapiro (of Puttin’ On Your Big Girl Pants), will be reading aloud from movie novelizations! As previous reported, I will be reading from the novelization of Star Trek: Generations, focusing on the sections pertaining to everyone’s favorite renegade Klingon sister act, Lursa and B’Etor:

The show is at 6 p.m on Sunday 5/4, at Baby’s All Right at 146 Broadway in South Williamsburg, and you can buy tickets for $7 or check out the Facebook event. Please come, it will be fun/hilarious!

And now with that out of the way: your comment of the week!

“This is an act of surprising intimacy on Wilbur’s part — he has introduced Iris to the person who makes his sandwiches. What more personal detail could there possibly be, for him to reveal next? Will he introduce her to the barber who grooms his four hairs?” –seismic-2

And your very funny runners up!

“If Franz Kafka were being kept alive by artificial means, he would be 130 years old right now and probably very, very tired. Under those circumstances, Sunday’s Crock is exactly the kind of thing he might write.” –Joe Blevins

“Darn hip and knees and elbows and lungs and heart and brain and soul and universe.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Hmm … I know Tommie is an unstable near-widow who displaced her feelings onto a wild deer that she was trying to raise in our apartment like a child. Yeah, three weeks is about the right amount of time to wait before we get concerned.” –Snark Twain

“Lamp? Oh no. That’s a sentient Snakecam™ with variable subject setting! See how it inspires conversation in your guests, by uploading petabytes of information directly into their brains, then forcing them to disgorge it in a way that simulates friendly banter! Be the envy of your neighbors! Then, be the terror of your neighbors! Then, in the black and smoking ruin of the world you have wrought, be the nothing of your neighbors!” –bunivasal

Funky Winkerbean: “Same artwork, better dialog: ‘Why, Jessica … I wasn’t expecting…’ ‘IS THE TOILET STILL IN THE BATHROOM!?'” –Dr. Mabuse

“We’re lucky that Heathcliff is a one panel comic, because it’s obvious what the lifting of his tail is leading to.” –nescio

“If you’re anything at all like me, you responded to today’s Mary Worth by jumping to your feet wondering just where and how and how soon you could get a long-sleeve polo with button cuffs. Well, my friends, you are in luck: Kent Wang sells them for just $85 apiece. And, as I’m sure you’ve already noticed, they come with ‘a spread collar for a subtle, rakish look.’ Whoo-hoo, Santa Royale is getting hot tonight!! Pro tip: Best to follow Wilbur’s example and get your shirt in white, so the mayo stains don’t show.” –Oregonian

“Youth slang tends to be incomprehensible to parents. One wonders, then, what POOP really means. Is it an acronym, perhaps ‘Poison Only One Parent?’ ‘Potent Opioids Open Potential?’ Not so kid-friendly now.” –Voshkod

“Do you have an important business meeting, job interview, meeting your love interest’s father for the first time? Why not try Iris’ power handshake? Simply align yourself off to the side and grip the other person’s thumb like you’re strangling it. You are now in control.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Sure, it’s all cheerful now, with Wilbur actually having a friend who isn’t an 80-year-old biddy and all. But wait until they fall back exhausted after sex, and Wilbur, staring at the ceiling, asks, ‘What do you suppose Jerry at the sandwich shop is doing right now?'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Yes, Jess’ mother’s camerawork style is influenced by European impressionism, as demonstrated by the use of dutch angles in her family home movies, whereas Jess herself has her own unique, dark, minimalist style, in that she rarely takes her camera out of the bag.” –pugfuggly

“In panel two, is Wilbur’s shameless glee driven by the fact that Tommy could be his ‘inside man’ at Jerry’s? Or is this his very best Hannibal Smith plan coming together with problem solved and Iris and he bound forever to Jerry’s? Or did he just let out a SBD fart? I guess we’ll find out in a couple weeks.” –Dtyler99

“I think Jerry would actually really like having Tommy the Tweaker working for him, since judging by his clothing, hairstyle, and mustache, he clearly was a drug dealer on Miami Vice prior to opening this restaurant.” –Brad

“Nigel Smythe-Clownhair of Rumpledtux-upon-Wessex has awfully high expectations for a dude who married someone with Dr. Seuss trees for legs.” –Daniel

Judge Parker: “They send non-recurring characters to drop untold wealth on the undeserving — but they cannot draw Abbey’s nipples because it would be considered obscene!” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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NEW YORKERS, AND PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO BE IN NEW YORK CITY ON SUNDAY, MAY 4! Would you like to see me and other funny people read from unintentionally hilarious movie novelizations? Of course you do, it will be very funny! I will be reading the sexiest parts of the novelization of Star Trek: Generations, which is obviously not to be missed. It’s 6 p.m. in Baby’s All Right in Williamsburg. Buy tickets now! Why wait?

And now! Your week’s top comment!

“On the other hand, the fish in Heathcliff seems completely into these shenanigans. ‘RIDE, YOU GLORIOUS BASTARD,’ the fish thinks to itself, unaware that Heathcliff is just going to use him as a baseball bat or something completely stupid. ‘YES. RIDE, UNTIL WE ARE BUT A STORY WHISPERED TO CHILDREN IN LEGENDS.'” –Tophat

And the runners up! Very funny!

“So Rex is about to find out that his little girl has been blackmailing her babysitter. He’s going to be so upset … wait, is that one of the emotions that Rex is capable of experiencing? I know he can feel smug and hungry, but I’m not sure that he developed to the point of feeling shame and sadness.” –pugfuggly

“Yes, Nikki, tell me more! You say ‘nothing happened’? I don’t like the sound of that. I want to hear of teens getting it on in freaky ways. On my couch. And I can’t promise that I won’t be telling my wife about it, either. You were making out … right … something tells me there is more to this story.” –hogenmogen

“So today’s Heathcliff caption was provided by the editor’s margin notes?” –sporknpork

“Ha, ha! Somewhat distorted versions of things I have absolutely heard of!! Who says the comics are a dying industry, my friends?” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

Luann: “Here’s hoping these wonderful teens end up strolling into the town’s superfund site and gaining superpowers from the various chemical wastes. Wait, did I say ‘superpowers’? I meant aggressive terminal cancer and/or radiation poisoning.” –merde

“Buzz > Fuzz” –nescio

“I think I’ve finally figured out the underlying story driving the current Apartment 3-G arc. Tommie managed to bore herself to death, Margo told Lu Ann that Tommie had gone to ‘live on a farm’, and what we’re seeing is Lu Ann’s mind’s eye view of how this would work. Go ahead, prove me wrong.” –dmsilev

“Thank goodness ‘ripping the ball’ is a made-up sports term instead of what I thought it was: a made-up sex act.” –Alex Blaze

“Mark, that’s just going to make him enragedier!” –Bootsy

“Last week we had Mark driving around Lost Forest gushing about how lucky he was to live in such a beautiful example of nature at its finest. This week we have Mark attacked by a raging bear. Next week: Mark puts down a deposit on a 650-sq. ft. apartment in SoHo.” –cheech wizard

“The dialogue in today’s Beetle Bailey was just a quick substitution for the original unprintable joke, which began, ‘I heard the Army lifted the ban on clowns married to cross-dressing dogs,’ and went downhill from there.” –Chyron HR

“Man, does anyone else love Blondie’s stiff, awkward pose in panel two, seemingly the result of being caught off-guard by the scene set up by Dagwood and Elmo? Okay, she thinks. I walk in. Dagwood is asleep with a big sandwich and I make some vague wisecrack about him being lazy. But then she’s forced to suddenly improvise with this new scenario. Fuck! she thinks Uh … uh … Elmo is in kindergarten! Yeah that’s it! She then leaves the scene, with the liquor cabinet key ready.” –Irrischano

“‘How can we help Tommy get a job?’ Well, did he inherit your owl-like head-swiveling ability? He could list that under ‘special skills’ on his résumé, I guess.” –Doctor Handsome

“3. Capture the Golden Hind of Artemis. 5. Clean the Augean stables in a single day. Despite the unorthodox order, I for one am really looking forward to the rest of the Labors of Tommie!” –Matt

“Woo-hoo! Day 34 of Tommie wearing the same pink turtleneck! If something smells in the barn, don’t blame the horses.” –Oregonian

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.