Post Content

Are you ready for your final comment of the week of February 2014?

“Actually, now that I think about it, Reggie, why are we here in Jughead’s house, watching him while he sleeps? Why are we, two people who do not like each other, lovingly standing over our mutual acquaintance and talking about his faults? Could it be, Reggie, that we have gone through the other side of mutual disgust, clear through hate, and emerged into a new territory of fondness for this poor troll of a man? Or maybe have the police just not shown up yet? Either way, this is going to end with us making out, Reggie, just saying.” –Tophat

And your runners up! Very amusing!

“Here, Mr. Fox, take my money! Just please don’t eat me or my child! Oh, no, he’s throwing it back. We’re doomed!” –Digger

“If each of those pairs of dots/squiggles represents Francis’s eyes, then he’s currently displaying the entire range of acceptable reactions to one of his mother’s lacerating zingers: anguished wincing, total boredom, and blank indifference.” –Joe Blevins

“Who the hell builds a snowman mere feet from the edge of an icy precipice? Is it to attract curious children who will then inevitably slip down the slight incline and over the edge to a frigid death below?” –Joe Momma

Judge Parker: “I know it’s been weeks (months? years…?) since something exciting has happened in this strip, but I still don’t think that ‘April and her father continue talking’ deserves an exclamation point. What are you going to do when the Gardia brothers show up and the real action starts? Start bolding random words like you’re Mark Trail? It’s no way to live, guys…” –pugfuggly

“Crankshaft: where Death goes to die.” –Voshkod

“Wilbur knows what any successful tubby, washed-up hack columnist in Santa Royale’s best-kept-secret-free-advertising-circular knows: that the journey to self-improvement begins with wiping the drool off your chin.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“I think this must all take place in an Icelandic Saga as she is required to give her lineage when she introduces herself. I guess since she’s doing remote she only has to list siblings. If she was the anchor she has to go back at least to her grandfather Thorgirn Ballew slayer of Ole Siggurdson.” –Maltmasher

“I’m glad to see Mark being a good citizen and ‘picking up’ after Andy does his business.” –Midtown

“In panel 1, Wilbur and Iris are clearly on opposite ends of table. In panel 2, Wilbur’s upper half begins sliding across the table, inching closer and closer to Iris. It’s a shame her expression is obscured.” –Inkwell

“Fortunately Wilbur knows exactly how to respond to an emotional outburst by a recovering drug addict: grimace and threaten them with a shiv.” –Christopher

“Less obvious source of humor than Tommy’s far-overblown, non-subtle panicked shriek is the hilarious suggestion that Wilbur has a ‘friend’ with connections.” –hogenmogen

“The big box store? No! I can’t! I mean… that won’t work for me! Look, old man, I did my time in the Big Box and I’m not going back! Not. The. Box. Don’t put me in the Box!” –Amos Snarkadder

“Occam’s Razor-O-Meter says: You’re a plugger if you have diabetic neuropathy.” –Baka Gaijin

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “What a … SHOCKING development! Huh? Huh? What, too soon?” –Kevin on Earth

“Pluggers remember lighting up the stage as No No LaPuta, Queen of off-strip Las Vegas revues. Your golf game may suffer, but your rendition of ‘Just Like Jesse James’ will sing in their ears forever. You’re a star, Pluggers. You’re a fucking star.” –Dan

Judge Parker: “It does occur to me that — assuming April doesn’t just intend to use Randy as a convenient cover for her espionage activities and in fact has some feelings for him — she has managed to find the man perhaps least like her father in the entire world. Say what you will about Judge Parker the Lesser — ensconced in the insulated bubble wrap of economic privilege and as ineffective, inept, oblivious, and genially low functioning as he may be, tarantulas and covert international arms deals are just not in him.” –Master Softheart

“This image of a twisted, jostling mangle of human office workers looks like something you might find if you splashed lemon juice and shined a UV light on a Hieronymus Bosch hellscape painting.” –Chareth Cutestory

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Post Content

Hey there everyone! Your comment of the week shortly, but first a quick note that if you are in Baltimore or are Baltimore-adjacent tomorrow, why not come see me perform in Everybody All The Time, a delightful variety show at the Windup Space in Station North where I will be performing. I am authorized to tell you that I will be unveiling my new character there, Gary the Emotionally Fragile Substitute Yoga Instructor. If that doesn’t put butts in seats, what will?

You can stay in your current seat and still enjoy the comment of the week, of course:

“Ugh, you take us from Tommy straight to Tommie? What a cruel, disappointing arc.” –John Small Berries

And the runners up! Very funny!

“You’d think Plato would be a bit more optimistic, since today was the day when Sarge finally inspired him to mop the sky.” –Tophat

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “The very future of the museum is riding on the assumption that a five year old is going to produce, in four weeks, a book of drawings that is going to generate the necessary revenue, and/or that watching said five year old produce said book will produce additional revenue via increased attendance. If Sarah is actually able to pull this off, her arrogance will grow from merely grotesque to super-human proportions. She will be unstoppable!” –Gladly, the cross-eyed bear

“They were giving things away. I normally don’t get flu shots, but they were free, so I got twelve!” –Pozzo

“Still I admire Reeky’s spirit. He could have claimed to have just got out of jail, something that Slylock might have at least had to check. But our Reeky keeps it classy. ‘Call Queen Elizabeth. She’ll vouch for me. Here, let me give you her cell number.'” –Aviatrix

“If there was ever an underwhelmed reaction to a sudden bear attack, it’s that man reading the paper. ‘Oh man, a bear? Given the statistics, I always figured it would be car crash or a cardiac episode. Well, let’s get this over with…'” –pugfuggly

“As Mother Earth’s creation, I must touch her. I just hope She can feel me through this two-foot thick slab of concrete and all the plumbing and infrastructure that must lie beneath it. Like the Princess and the Pea, y’know? Feel that, Mother Earth? THEM’S MAH FEET!” –DownInTheValley

“Is this finally it? Are we finally at the story where Walt Wallet dies? Because I can definitely forgive the strip for the annoying New Years death fakeout if Walt is violently torn apart by a mob consisting of the types of people who still read newspapers.” –Roto13

Apartment 3-G: “You girls are going to love Jim! He’s such a dear! Wait … dear … dear … deer! OH MY GOD THE DEER I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO FEED IT FOR THE PAST WEEK THAT MUST BE SOURCE OF THE HORRIBLE STENCH IN MY CLOSET!!!” –Perky Bird

“That’s right, Snuffy, lie to yourself. It’s scary to admit your best friend was an inbred old baby man.” –Inkwell

“I love the way Gina’s mom, like all the other adults in this strip, stands in the background with a look that can mean nothing but that she’s thinking of what an asshole Dennis is.” –Dr. Mabuse

“Joey’s fear is misdirected. The noodles are his friends. That brown glop in the drinking glasses — the stuff that’s slowly eating away at the plastic straws? — that’s the Foreign Menace on this happy little table.” –jvwalt

“‘Wilbur will be there’ is Charterstone code for ‘Yes, I’m serving mayonnaise.'” –Dood

“You know, every time you think Funky Winkerbean is as depressing as it gets, it tosses out a little daily like this to remind you: all these people had the happiest days of their life in high school. And it was Westview High School.” –Chip Whittle

Luann: “Admittedly, it’s been a while since I was in high school, but isn’t prom typically at the end of the school year? We’re not going to be talking about prom all the way until May, are we? DEAR GOD, THE DITHERING.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“I prefer to think that Crankshaft’s Elderly Neighbor (Rose? Who cares, right?) is recoiling not from the sight of Crankshaft’s shriveled, naked penis, but the hail of gunfire that obviously follows.” –bunivasal

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Post Content

This is your final reminder (haha j/k NOT LIKELY) that the I will be co-hosting The Internet Read Aloud this coming Sunday in Baltimore, and if you don’t want to come then I worry about you. Here are the details, on Facebook!

And now with that out of the way, here’s the comment of the week, which you should read silently to yourself if you don’t want to annoy your coworkers:

“‘Happiness’ — the drug for those who are too bland for ‘ecstasy.'” –seismic-2

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Okay, so is Otto Sarge’s disgruntled spouse or his irritated child? It’s pretty horrifying either way, but I need some more specifics before I can properly direct my loathing.” –Lily Sincere

“I’m very confident I can get the first draft in four weeks, considering I already handed it in to the curator. What do you think prompted this meeting, if not my glorious pictures of horseys that are reminiscent of Da Vinci’s The Battle of Anghiari, albeit far superior? See those four horseys on the last page? Those are for the apocalypse, and that skeleton guy riding it, yeah, he’s looking at you. Looking. For now.” –Hogenmogen

“Only Tommie could be ‘drowsy with happiness’ . It’s like her body outright rejects any form of excitement by shutting down into a state of torpor.” –pugfuggly

“Minutes of the latest meeting of the Daily Bugle Board of Directors: ‘We haven’t published a paper in over a week. Where the hell is Jameson? He’s WHAT??'” –AhClem

“‘Jerk’? I expect that kind of language from your edgier comics like Mary Worth, but Gil Thorp? Is nothing sacred?” –Kevin on Earth

Apartment 3-G: “Vermont, eh? Can you dump this fucking deer out over New Hampshire on your way? I am so done with it and Frank is tired of trying to draw it.” –Mikey

“The Spider-Man narration box isn’t even trying anymore. ‘As…’? That’s the best you’ve got? I can understand its queasiness, though, because I think Peter Parker just made the crudest-possible sexual overture to Mary Jane.” –Joe Blevins

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “An editor’s job is to help make your book look even better, Sarah. For example, for the cover we’ll use a stock photo of a normal, pleasant-looking child instead of yours.” –Amos Snarkadder

“Are we to infer that Honi is crying over Lute’s coffin?” –nescio

“Where exactly is Mary serving Wilbur? The space-time inversion of an enameled 50s stove? The narrow glass tube of a stunning underwater metropolis?” –bunivasal

Anything — be it film or novel or comic strip, or Congressional hearing or wedding ceremony — that begins with ‘Dad? Where are you, my darling?’ is bound to be an express ride to Psychoville.” –Dr. Mabuse

“About six months ago I discovered this blog. Over the duration of said six months, I have started from the beginning and read every page, every CoTW … the end of FOOBs and of Cathy … the not-really-end of Crock and of BC … the rise and fall of our dearest Aldo Kelrast … countless melting Marmaduke faces … every failed attempt at the playdowns … thousands of Batiuk smirks … billions in Parker-Driver-Spencer payoffs … all three Rex Morgan storylines … all to find myself finally on today’s page, with the gloriously horrified face of Mary Worth to welcome me to the present. Truly, I have arrived.” –McGibbslap

“I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge Reggie, since nobody in the strip will. I appreciate him popping in for one panel in a conversation that doesn’t involve him at all to gratuitously slam Archie with a gag that, while not great, is still funnier than the actual punchline.” –Doctor Handsome

Apartment 3G: “Sure, my roommates can put up with a man for two whole days! What’s one more thing that craps on the floor, after all?” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“Pro tip: Do NOT turn today’s Crock upside down.” –Wonkey the Monkey

“This Eerie Sentient Camel is the name of my Death Cab for Cutie tribute band.” –Esther Blodgett

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.