“That’s a pretty sophisticated navigation of verb tenses for a Keane. I’m just sayin’.” –Damian

“I’m digging the doorbell on Reeky’s cot-sized house.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

MW: “The only possible relief in sight to this non-stop blither would be for Mary and June to trip over a pile of bones out in the desert, and for June to say, ‘Oh Mary! I told you I was unhappy because I lost my husband, but look — here he is! Yep, that’s him, all right. I’d know that tibia anywhere. Well, he’s not lost any more, so now I’m OK. Thanks, Mary. Bye!'” –seismic-2

“In the first panel, Perfesser is saying ‘Yeah’ during breaks in the conversation, in order to maintain the fiction that some kind of meaningful human interaction is taking place. By the second panel, he’s even given up on that, because he’s dead.” –Nekrotzar

“The true selling point of this comic is the angry child’s reaction. ‘Flying magic wee-wee pads? Damn, I wish I could urinate in public like dogs. Then I could fly too. Wait … what’s stopping me?’ We can be grateful Heathcliff isn’t a multi-panel strip.” –Christopher

“Notice that the caption of this particular cartoon does not even end with an exclamation point. If any situation called for an exclamation point, it’s this one.” –Joe Blevins

“There’s no better place to appreciate bean bags of any size than in a dedicated bean bag room, bereft of any other furniture, decorations or other non-bean-stuffed distractions. Speaking of which: Archie, grab a bean bag or get the fuck out.” –pugfuggly

“Remember when everyone wore Beanie Babies on their head? Yeah, neither do I.” –Dood

“Pop quiz: Which of these two women is the tallest? If you guessed Mary, then I’m sorry — see panel 2. If you guessed That Other Woman, then I’m sorry — see panel 1. The correct answer is that it depends on the position and movement of the women relative to the observer. (Note, accordingly, that That Other Woman is in the process of approaching the speed of light.)” –vewatkin

“Marvin’s dad in that last panel is just … just mellowin’ with the trees, ya dig? No problem with the baby, man. You can keep him! You can — can pick up all the chicks! You just let me have a little more of your fantastic weeeeeed.” –Black Drazon

“Spider-Man/ Spider-Man/ Ugly American Spider-Man/ Can he speak/ Your native tongue?/ No he can’t/ Cuz he’s too dumb. Look out! He is the Spider-Man.” –Bunivasal

“Archie pauses. ‘…food court!’ Betty stares at him for a moment, uncomfortable at the idea that she’s been in a constant battle for this man’s affection for more than half a century. This is the pun that breaks me, she thinks. I wonder how Ronnie feels about blondes.” –Bunivasal

“Yay, musk oxen! It’s fun to speculate that if Rusty attempted to name one of them ‘Oscar’ and cuddle it in his arms, he might get stomped to death.” –Poteet

“‘Oh, sorry for assaulting you, miss! I thought I was defending myself from a small child. It’s not like I have any extra-sensory powers to warn me of danger. Also, I completely forgot that I asked you to wake me up. (Hang in there, Tarantula! Relief is on the way! –Hey, where’s my phone?)’ [INHALES SODA, CHOKES, SPIT-SNEEZES ALL OVER EVERYONE]” –damanoid

“That burrito is going to get a early parole because of prison overcrowding.” –tallyHO

Phantom: “‘The 19th Phantom races across No Man’s Land! To save the Aeronaut!’ –As opposed to the guy he just ran over with his horse. He’s probably dead, anyway.” –Lumaca Morente

A3G: “‘I left South Dakota, came to New York and here I am.’ I guess with Tommie on vacation, Lu Ann has to be the dumb one and the dull one.” –pugfuggly

“I like the fact that Sideburn Q. Burnside’s word balloon has its own word balloon. He may not be worried about Mark, but the word balloon sure is.” –Pozzo

“The Phantom! Uses Exclamation Points! Strangely!” –jim, some guy in iowa

“As usual, this strip strains credulity – no one has ever wanted Mark Trail anywhere.” –WeatherServo9

“It says a lot that Spidey has to seek protection from a mob so weenie that it’s led by Rick Moranis.” –commodorejohn

“‘Ha Ha! They’ll find Trail dead, frozen, and think it was an accident! Then they’ll look at his camera and … oh crap, I have to go in there and get the camera after all.’ [UNSLAM]” –Little Blue Bicycle

“If Margaret were truly a competent attorney, she would know that just throwing on an ill-fitting black blazer over her pastels will not provide the gravitas needed to confront the authorities. A pleated skirt and ruffled polo shirt? Mary Janes and pink knee-socks? Puh-lease.” –Fashion Police

“Shame Lu Ann can’t see speech bubbles, because that’s a crazyman’s lettering if I ever saw it.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“The blond took two steps forward; she heard something, maybe a twig snapping. But out here in the desert there were no twigs. She turned, and the white-haired biddy was pointing a revolver at her, cocked and ready. The barrel was as wide as death itself. ‘So what do you think, girl?’ Mary Worth snarled. ‘You think they’ll remember you well? I know what I think.’ The blond could see Mary’s knuckle whiten as she tightened her grip on the trigger. ‘I think you’ll be a pile of bleached-out bones in a few weeks, and the only thing people will remember about you is that you crossed Mary Worth.'” –Voshkod

“I love the gap in body language between Mary Worth and Whatsername Widow Purplesmock. Mary’s running a Zig Ziglar seminar in the middle of the desert, while Whatsername is just shivering as she gazes into the distance, waiting for this to be over.” –lorne

“Pretty sure the banner in Funky Winkerbean’s first panel reads ‘HAPPY AND THEN ANGRY,’ which is exactly how I felt before and then immediately after reading this strip.” –Lomo

“Yeah, Heathcliff? Just go ahead and eat the damn fish. People are starting to talk. I swear, I’m desensitized to the point where if I opened the newspaper and saw a strip of him practicing erotic asphyxiation with a dead eel I’d be all, ‘Oh, whatever. Now, what’s that Funky Winkerbean up to? Sucking? LOL, I love the funny papers!'” –notmydesk

“This is the most horrifying FW strip ever. I guess it’s fitting that a strip featuring Dinkle is tone-deaf.” –Rusty

“There was a story arc in Ultimate Spider-Man where Spidey had to covertly make it home from Brazil by hiding in a cargo hold in a boxful of ladies’ underwears. That was surprisingly less embarrassing than watching him just take a plane like a normal person.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Surprisingly, ‘If I could get to Moon Valley, would my parents take me back?’ is the actually one of the most common phrases heard during astronaut training.” –Captain Hammer

“I might have been fast enough to stop him if I had used contractions in my speech, but there are some things a man is not willing to do.” –J. Elhew Bisbee, Hobo Detective

“So tell us, Heather, what’s the vomiting like? Fast and furious, or slow and thoughtful? Straight down, or in an arc across the room? If you had to describe it, would it be a cool mountain stream, a lazy river, or a fireman’s hose?” –pugfuggly

“Yes, I’m a physician! No, the hand holding this phone has no relation to my or any other human body! Don’t make me go 74-89 on you!” –Doctor Handsome

“I’m afraid this could be a 10-41. Very afraid. So afraid I’m screwing up my face in a precious little moue of disgust. God, why did I take a medical degree? Wasn’t there an easier way to make money?” –DownInTheValley

“I’m a bit perplexed by Francis’s motion lines. He doesn’t strike me as an especially quick or active fellow, and smudgy dots give it a psychedelic feel. Could they be tracers? Is the never seen fourth child who witnesses the hijinks in Momma tripping balls? All the time? It would explain the ghastly malformed horrorshow that passes for the human form in this strip.” –Herr Komerad Kommissar Denny

“Thanks to fashion forward Gil Thorp last week and Randy Parker today, I now know that men’s shorts are finally rising above the knee again. I think it’s important to stay abreast of the cultural norms for men, otherwise I’d do something embarrassing like calling my publisher to see if his flight home was okay.” –Anonymous

“Bah, when Billy whacks Jeffy’s head off with the golf club, he’s totally going to slice. On the plus side, he seems to be using a seven iron, so Jeffy’s head may get some loft to it.” –Lily Sincere