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Greetings, humans! Are you ready for this week’s top comment? Here it is!

“You know why pornos almost never end with the guy just losing his erection and sheepishly meandering off to the beach? This is why.” –Cloudbuster

And the runners up! Very funny!

“‘Mr. Catfish wouldn’t let me get any pictures of Rod’s equipment inside their van!’ OK, now you’re just trolling us, Rusty.” –cisko

“Nothing says you understand the dangers of the Internet like shuffling a stack of papers.” –NoahSnark

“Considering the condo lifestyle? Look no further than scenic Charterstone, where you never have to make your own meals! Stay in your own apartment and keep to yourself, and unofficial ‘welcome wagon’ greeter Mary Worth will force her famous coagulated soup on you! Come to her apartment for a visit, and Mary will insist you try one of her baked potatoes, which you must hold in your hand and eat like an apple! Why would anyone want to live anywhere else?” –Cassandra Cat’s Lawyer

“Thanks to the link, I can see that Margo’s parents are still wearing their overcoats. What kind of people never take off their overcoats? Flashers! Why spend time worrying about Margo when you can go out and be part of a geriatric flasher tag-team?” –nescio

“See, the puppy is looking in from outside, because animals are the ones who are truly free, and we’re the pets, man! We’re all in a pet store of our own maki… okay, I think I figured out what’s in Heathcliff’s pipe.” –Dan

“But you’re reading a print newspaper, and I’m watching a cathode ray television! How is anyone getting more timely information than us?!” –Doctor Handsome

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Readers! Do you live in or near Baltimore? Then perhaps you would like to see me be funny, live and in person! On March 6 I will be serving as monologist for a troupe of Baltimore Improv Group all-stars at Magooby’s Joke House in Timonium; on March 16, I will be performing in Glitteracy, Fluid Movement’s literature-themed variety show, doing a narrated slideshow of comics versions of classic literature, at the 14 Karat Cabaret in downtown Baltimore. More information on both performances can be found on this post on my Tumblr. Hope to see you there!

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I’m back, everybody! Back and better than just as good as ever. Thanks for being kind to your favorite Uncle Lumpy while I was gone — he tells me you’ve been good. Can’t believe I missed the week of Faithful Reader Druj Nasu’s Automatic Rexifier, my goodness! Anyway, here is your fantabulous comment of the week!

“‘But what if I fail?’ Wait, failure is posited here as a merely hypothetical outcome? This is the most optimistic Funky Winkerbean ever.” –Doctor Handsome

And here are the runners up, very funny!

Apartment 3-G: “I can’t imagine a world without Margo! Really, I can’t. She’ll know if I do.” –Zaratustra

Mark Trail: “Yes, Rusty, maybe tomorrow Catfish will let you into his van and I am not the least bit worried about a total stranger entertaining you in the back of his van.” –Sgt. Stoned

Judge Parker: “Randy, you’re a judge! You can’t go around like that, just freely admitting that you’re as dumb as a bag of hammers. Act judicial, Randy! You’re as dumb as a bag of gavels!” –seismic-2

“I’m not getting an intensive-care-unit vibe from this. I’m not even getting a hospital vibe from this. I’m getting a very-weird-dorm-with-Craftmatic-adjustable-single-beds vibe from this.” –Poteet

Spider-Man: “Daredevil: ‘When it homes in on me, it’ll explode!’ Spidey: ‘Yeah, like it’s all about YOU now, is it?'” –Hogenmogen

9 Chickweed Lane: “Maybe the cow just needs to be orked. I don’t know how you ork a cow, but there must be experts who do that, because I see lots of people online telling stories about their ‘coworkers.’” –Peanut Gallery

“(In an) article about the effects of the budget sequestration on the National Zoo’s ability to feed the animals, there’s a nice picture of the curator who is ‘in charge of these hungry goats as well as the big cats.’ My immediate thought: Feed the hungry goats to the big cats. Because there’s only so much Phantom to go around, know what I mean?” –Lumaca Morente

“And when you are in Mexico can you get me some weed? The guy I get my weed from says that the guy he gets the weed from has gotten out of the marijuana business and is going to start a solar farm instead.” –Liam

Mary Worth: “Cheer up, John. With your book of unattributed, out-of-context bittersweet quotes, it’s like Mary never left your side!” –Inkwell

Hägar the Horrible: “Hagar seems genuinely confused by Grandpa’s ‘over 21’ request. It’s a sex slave, gramps, I think an age of consent doesn’t really matter if the person isn’t consenting in the first place.” –pugfuggly

Phantom: “The Ghost Who Talks Out Loud To Himself assures the audience that he doesn’t normally get clobbered over the head that easily. It’s not like he’s Spider-Man.” –Horace Broon

Spider-Man: “‘Countdown to Zero’. Couldn’t have said it better myself!” –Mibbitmaker

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.