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Haha, when the city water department guys standing in a hole on your street tell that your water will be back “in a while” but it “won’t be days,” that … that’s a good thing, right? Anyway, just be glad that you can’t smell me as I select your comment of the week! (I promise I will be clean before performing in the Fluid Movement Glitteracy variety show Saturday, which you should totally go to if you’re in Baltimore. Two shows, so you have no excuse not to come!)

“I put the memory card from Rusty’s camera into my laptop! That’s totally a thing I know all about. Technology is … probably not a gateway to the devil’s asshole. Oh look, fishing pictures. Goddammit Rusty you made me break Amish code for this.” –Tophat

And the very funny runners up!

“Mary, you just spent weeks practicing solely to lift a heavyweight cake over what appeared to me several miles to a display table. Yeah, you just play the weak old woman card and get Carlos.” –Bluerosebud

“‘All-bran’ is the closest Herb & Jamaal has ever come to referencing a brand name. The joke still failed tragically, of course.” –Doctor Handsome

“I think if you take his sentence at grammatical face-value, Jamal is saying that he prefers defecating on women than ejaculating in them.” –pugfuggly

“If past close-ups are any indication, Rusty’s horrifying selfies must violate some kind of TOS agreement.” –Dan

“It’s going to be highly embarrassing for Rod Bassy when he has to admit to Mark that the wet seat cushion is actually proof of his incontinence.” –Rocky Stoneaxe

“…And there’s water everywhere! Ugh! That’s got to leave a musty mildew throughout the van. I’d feel bad for anyone tied up and being held against their will in such a place!” –Chareth Cutestory

“I like that Mario Gaddafi thought to bring a visual aid for his punctual daily Dick-baiting video. This guy’s really got his goofball-villain shit squared away.” –Doctor Handsome

“Pat the pig, marry the donkey.” –Dood

“I like really how Elinor is putting on her lavender smock with the grim intensity of a costumed vigilante suiting up for a final showdown. That her entire outfit is lavender reinforces this impression. Bruce Wayne’s motif was inspired by a bat crashing through a window, Peter Parker by the spider that gave him powers, and Elinor Kinley by the Jenny Joseph poem ‘Warning.'” –Herr Kommissar Denny

“What the heck happened to the timeline to allow him to finish a law degree in the, what, three weeks since the French shoe design story? Sure it will all be worthwhile if it marks a transition to the heart-pounding courtroom action that is the hallmark and narrative heart of Judge Parker — there is nothing more exciting than negotiating a Lloyds insurance settlement months after a Liberian-flagged container ship damages an intermodal crane in Galveston — but I remain confused.” –Master Softheart

“It makes people obald your every command! I mean, obey your every baldman.” –Chyron HR

“We are not certain why anyone would worry about Miss Spencer’s finances. It’s quite clear that she is merely dabbling in mid-scale Paris fashion — something that ought to be expected from a 21-year-old ‘art’ student with a $4 million flat in the Sixteenth and a trust fund. We are intrigued that the stripes on her sweater tilt precisely to the degree that said garment falls off her left shoulder, right down to the horizontal bottom stripe, producing a mild trompe l’oeil spiral that makes one wonder if the wearer is similarly out of plumb. Sheer genius!” –Fashion Police

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Free Will, the Orphan Temp: The comic that puts the laughs back in child labor — almost as good as Mary Worth! When the orphanage is privatized by the No Orphan Left Behind Act, a group of hard-luck orphans is forced by Mr. Parasite, the cruel CEO of Klepto Incorporated, to work an endless series of horrible temp jobs.
• Risk Taking Is Free: Hey Curmudgeons! LUJBEM FEJF (aka Jeff Knurek) has a new album! Risk taking is what Jeff does in his life and music. The diverse collection of songs takes you on his highway of reflection, celebration, and inspiration.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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It’s Friday! It’s the comment of the week! Let’s enjoy!

“Holy flashback. Is that the first and only time Sam’s lost money?” –Dood

And the runners up! Very funny!

“At today’s Big-Bass Fishing Tournament, spectators were horrified when angler Rod Bassy produced an unidentifiable creature during the end-of-day weigh-in. According to witnesses, the creature was wearing clothes and was about the size of a 10-year-old boy, but it was clearly not human in form. ‘It was terrible,’ said fishing fan Jeffrey Watcher. ‘Those bulging eyes and that misshapen face. I can’t get it out of my mind.’ Tournament authorities are currently debating whether to allow Bassy to claim the creature as a fish.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“Convinced that Mary Worth is a soup opera strip, Toby tries to get the plot back on track.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I only enjoy things I can eat, ride, or read! See, I just read this dog’s body language; he wanted a Ritz! And he’ll still be good for two other things!” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Cathy knew Evan wasn’t clean, and was covering for him.’ Um, isn’t that what publicists are supposed to do?” –giraffe-o

“We’ll have to interrupt this discussion of wealth accumulation — it’s time to give the dog Communion.” –Pozzo

“I have a feeling that this will be both the worst and most under promoted James Bond movie ever.” –Marc

“Proves how stupid I am. I thought the ‘punchline’ in Pluggers today would be something like ‘Pluggers haven’t watched television since 1978.'” –Gary

“Rusty would never go somewhere without tweeting about it … Oh here it is … @Rusty1987 became the mayor of Rod Bassy’s van on 4square.” –revenge4Aldo

“I’m intrigued by Kingpin’s vast cravat. Does he even try to tie a knot in that thing, or does he just tuck a tablecloth into his shirt collar and hold it in place with a big diamond? Or is that just his shirt? Or … dear god … Is that his skin?!” –lorne

“I really want to see a chalkboard with a long scientific equation that solves to a picture of Daredevil and Spider-Man with Xs where their eyes should be.” –Daniel

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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OK KIDS HANG ONTO YOUR HATS because I have some things to share with you, some of which are TIMELY, others of which are just interesting:

• Don’t forget that if you live near Baltimore you can see me doing improv monologues with the Baltimore Improv Group at Magooby’s Joke House! Here’s info and ticketing, except (sigh) they have “Tim Hoeckel” named as the monologist (he did it the last time). But it’ll be me and it’s funny and you should come! Apocalyptic snowstorm? What apocalyptic snowstorm! The place to be during a big snow is a comedy club, where there’s lots of booze and fried food and and funny people (who you can eat when the inevitable descent into cannibalism happens).

• Do you live near Los Angeles? Maybe you would like to see a play based on certain characters from a certain beloved comic strip. (Hint: It is Peanuts.)

• Also if you are in Australia, you might enjoy this exhibit of Peanuts characters mashed up with rap lyrics.

• Also also I have been meaning for a long time to give a totally unsolicited plug for King Features’ DailyInk site, if only because I still get emails asking where to go for a build-your-own comics page site now that the Houston Chronicle shut theirs down. Yes, it’s a pay site, but it costs less than $2 a month. Did you know they’ll also deliver vintage strips, like the Judge Parkers below from 1969, which describe Sam and Abbey’s meet-cute? Obviously there are hippies involved.

And, finally, I wanted to remind all of you that don’t know that you can get updates about when I post to this site, as well as other things I write, public appearances, and dumb hilarious jokes, on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, and Google+!