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Sorry, everybody who was hoping that the Mayan Apocalypse would descend today and end all your troubles: it didn’t! You have to endure your existence for who knows how much longer, and also endure my jokes for another couple of days, then I’ll take off for Christmas, then come back just after the New Year, and the cycle will continue ad infinitum. But if the world had ended today, you wouldn’t be able enjoy this comment of the week!

“If this Mary Worth storyline doesn’t feature a Rocky-style cake-decorating training montage, I’m going to start a class-action lawsuit.” –commodorejohn

Nor would you have the experience of reading these very funny runners up!

“Kudos to the A3G colorist for cleverly simulating the effect of viewing the strip through a bottle of urine.” –Cayuga

“That Herb and Jamaal just ruined my day. I know that is the goal of the strip, and they usually come close, but this one knocked it out of the park. I’m going back to bed.” –Lowell

“FAX MACHINES: The fast, modern way to connect!” –Doctor Handsome

“Does anyone think this guy wants to be a professional cake designer for any other reason than to lure children to his home?” –nescio

“I like how the three people in the background of the first panel seem to have never seen a cake before. ‘No … no, wait. It’s a … circular horse picture done in mind meltingly horrible pink? It sure is … something that someone made.'” –Tophat

Mary Worth: “It doesn’t have to be only a dream, John. It can be your worst nightmare, and I can make that happen!” –Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos

“Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection? Perhaps step on a few with your bare feet? Check out my YouTube channel!” –Chareth Cutestory

“It’s a magic hat that brings Frosty to life, right? I’m guessing he’s been a little off since he swiped this one from a boy band member in 1995.” –BigTed

“That cat in Better Half is terrifying. Just staring. Judging.” –Puzzled Pagan

“Where is Spiderman? He’s busy not stopping a trained chimpanzee for committing a crime.” –Holly Folly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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Ugh, not much funny stuff in me right now for obvious reasons. Still, I hope the top comments from this silly and supportive community can make people feel a little better tonight. The top comment!

“While other papers may use the word ‘obituaries,’ the Plugger Gazette knows that is readers have no time or patience for such highfalutin’, college-boy nonsense. Besides, the more concise ‘OBITS’ allows them to print the page header in a bigger font, because if there’s one thing pluggers like better than contemplating their own mortality, it’s large type.” –wonkeythemonkey

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Can we prove with absolute certainty that Margo’s arm is actually attached to her body in panel two and is not a dummy arm she’s carrying around and wiggling in Evan’s face?” –sporknpork

“I read today’s Hi & Lois three times before I realized that Dawg doesn’t want the daily newspaper to stop publishing because he wants to fetch it. Dawg’s need for exercise notwithstanding, this strip’s unmistakable doggist-oppressive attitude is why the printed daily newspaper is in trouble today.” –Comcis Fan

“I’ll bet that pier smells strongly of Old Spice and rough trade.” –Ned Ryerson

“Bow-tie with plaid jacket, heavy rimmed glasses, green pastel frock and fake pearls, dressing their kid like Mr Pink to go eat somewhere with mismatched thrift-store tableware. Are the Mitchells … hipsters?” –Fats Pinto

“Someday Gunther will be mildly interesting for three weeks on Project Runway.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I like how this storyline has spent approximately 30 seconds on Rex begrudgingly saving the life of an old woman and hours upon hours of June in her bathing suit hanging out with a trio of strippers. The artist knows my tastes! Here’s hoping June’s hitherto-unpictured scandalous bathing suit makes an appearance at some sort of cancer fund charity strip-off. That’s how people pay for cancer treatments, right? Stripper avalanches?” –Dr. P and the Women

“When you think of evil comic strip characters, the Wizard of Id is the first that comes to mind. Whose moments of quiet reflection are not disturbed by the memory of that time the Wizard responded unenthusiastically to something his wife said?” –Spunde

“Didn’t I tell you, Margo? Marvin and I have joined the Wizard in rejecting the Triune godhead.” –Pozzo

“I’m actually more impressed with Margo’s dismissive ‘I should have guessed, Tommie.’ Yes, Tommie, it’s a given that you’re a simp who will sub for the nurses so that they can see their family and friends on holidays, as you have neither. I only extended the invitation to you as a courtesy, which is now balanced by my overtly rude remark about what I really think of you. Now, Lu Ann, the key to a great party is to have a blonde chick drunk and dancing by herself waaay too early in the evening. I have only one question: Do you have what it takes??” –hogenmogen

“Two clean-cut white people in white shirts in a sterile tiled kitchen bereft of any signs of actual food. In a thousand years, when the Smithsonian does an exhibit on life in the 21st century, this is going to be the diorama they use for ‘American WASP.'” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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Hey there! Your COTW in a moment, but one last reminder that you can see me and many other funny people do funny comedy in downtown Baltimore, tomorrow (Saturday), in the Doomhilda Festival of Lights! 8 p.m., E.M.P. Collective, 307 W. Baltimore St. Be there or be somewhere less fun!

But few things are more fun than your comment of the week!

“I’m pretty ignorant of both (a) football penalty rules and (b) Gil Thorp conventions (other than the annual hideous family Christmas card). Does it mean anything that the penalty flag has breached the border of the third panel? Is it escaping?” –sally

And the very funny runners up!

“[In panel three] that is the look and posture of a guy using a urinal.” –Dale

“Otto knows that the first thing to do when trying to deter sharks is to start peeing in the water as calmly as possible.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Wait, is this whole storyline just a daydream Otto’s having while he lolls in a bubble bath?” –Doctor Handsome

“I didn’t make the paper myself. There were lots of people involved in it too. The reporters who did the stories, the editors, the boys who run the printers.” –Liam

“YES! A crime I didn’t even try to stop resulted in virtually no harm done! This is the closest I’ve come to a victory in years!” –Doctor Handsome

“In The Birds, Hitchcock deliberately made a relatively normal movie up to the moment the eponymous birds do their thing. Can we hope the writer of Mary Worth is a Hitchcock fan? Because I’ll pay good money to see the birds carry off One-Arm’s new prosthesis.” –Voshkod

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.