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Mary Worth, 12/24/10

“I know! I’ll warn her that marriage is a scam and that Scott will betray her! And if she doesn’t believe me, I’ll just punch him in the face! It’ll be all like, ‘Merry Christmas’ — KAPOW!”

Folks, by the time you read these words, I’ll be off my on multi-city Christmas journey! I’ll be back with 2011 comics by January 3, but until then, enjoy your last comment of the week of 2010!

“Apartment 3-G! The daily soap opera comic strip about three independent young single women, living on the town in New York! In tonight’s episode: the best and only Christmas party they could get invited to was thrown by one of their aunts. 8 p.m.!” –Black Drazon

And the very funny runners up!

“Obviously the Keane kids are taught a different version of Christmas carols, emphasizing the terrible fate that awaits the blashphemers who secularize the day of Our Lord’s birth.” –Truckasaurus

“Jill sure does look ‘high on a cloud’ in panel one. ‘A cloud’ is slang for ‘a fuck-ton of MDMA,’ right?” –Doctor Handsome

“Ah, those carefree days back at Califugly Brutalist Architecture U.” –Edgy DC

“Clearly we have all been too hard on Jill, for our own depraved amusement. Even at a glance one can tell Jordan was her soul mate. ‘Let’s get a jug of wine this big, then go home and have sex.’ he says. ‘No!’ Jill replies with a rapturous gaze, ‘Let’s get a jug of wine THIS big!'” –DaveyK

“OH MY GOD, this explains why nobody at Camp Swampy ever sees combat! Otto has an ‘in’ with defense contractors!” –Dan

“The pies are trophies in Mary’s lair. ‘One pie for each ruined life! Bwah ah ah ah!'” –Another Kiwi

“By the way, how about that fucking Mary Worth? Can nobody from Santa Fucking Royale even summon up a black person from memory to stick in a flashback crowd shot?” –Edgy DC

“Whatever happens, I’m sure June will icily disapprove of something.” –BERTMARCH, on the current Rex Morgan, M.D., storyline

“I wish I had Lex Luthor at power forward as well.” –Bud

“I thought my husband had magically arranged the ultimate birthday surprise — no more Les! Disappointed, again. I hold out hope that the Wally & Rachel murder-suicide story line will wrap up in time for Mother’s Day.” –Lisa

“Wow, Tommie got hot! Now pass me that cup of bleach. I neither wish nor deserve to go on with this paltry existence.” –TruthOfAngels

“So who all exactly is going to be in attendance at this little soiree of Iris’? The girls from 3-G; Trey the bicycling architect, who raises the intriguing paradox of how someone could be simultaneously that weird and that boring; Prissy the cat; and, if we’re really lucky, Ari Papagoras might swing by for a drink. This shit’s going to make Charterstone look like Studio 54.” –Violet

“So Spidey feels that his actions are constrained by matters of extradition law, but not by such niceties as common decency? Sounds about right.” –Nekrotzar

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Oh, snap, I’ve got your COTW ready ALREADY!

“Obviously, this is just an excuse to draw Lu Ann into the tawdry world of indie rock, where men have beards and women have bangs, since the only thing to do in Hoboken is visit Yo La Tengo. At least her wardrobe will be hip, ironically.” –js

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Does today’s Gil Thorp seem like the setup to a horror movie to anyone else? Like, Jamaar will die and then come back on prom night covered in tape?” –SamECircle

“‘It’s 52-19, in favor of the Skyhawks, as the Mudlarks continue to struggle with the loss of their star player. Jamaar, what do you think about this development?’ ‘Mr. Moon, if I answer your questions, will you let me down?’ ‘No way, kid, you’re my -hic- best interview in years! Now what do you think about your shots in the playdowns?'” –Black Drazon

“‘I’m more concerned about our guests,’ Adrian says, looking at two people who very clearly have no idea who she is, and wishes she’d stop staring at them.” –Patrick

“In nursing homes around America, today’s Spider-Man was pronounced the pinnacle of comic strip entertainment for the elderly. It will be tough for future competitors in the newspaper comic market to match the sheer joy contained in a strip that contained both a young man being thrashed by a cane and a matron whose relatives actually listen to her.” –NoahSnark

“I like how Dr. Jeff is all, ‘Fuck alcoholics! They have no place at weddings! Seriously, fuck you if you can’t hold your liquor.'” –Gold-Digging Nanny

“Phantom: ‘For those of you who came in late, the Phantom is still gay gay gay!'” –Jack Parsons

“Hi, Les. It’s me, Lisa, calling from beyond the grave to tell you to break down and get a cell phone already.” –Garnet

“I think it’s Lisa Loeb. She wants her glasses back.” –Mr. Goboto

“What’s with those action lines? Did they kiss or just suddenly smack their heads together violently like two dueling giraffes?” –Caroline

“It goes without saying that Mary’s cheerleading is far more annoying than Jill’s ranting. Jill at least has discernible motives — she could be still very bitter from a hard breakup or (more likely in real life but not in this strip) inexplicably in love with Adrian. But Mary just cheerleads insanely at any aspect of heteronormativity, yet won’t marry her own boyfriend or put out and likes to have attractive young female friends … hmm … well, perhaps her motivations are also apparent. I can’t wait until the end of this story arc when everybody in the closet comes out of it. That’s going to happen, right?” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“It was only a matter of time before Mary made the jump from annoying meddler to outright puppet master. In panel 1, you can see her throwing her voice to Scott from around the corner. In panel 2, she has her hand up Scott’s back controlling his every move. Next week she’ll make Scott recite his wedding vows while she drinks a glass of water.” –Thomas B.

“Maybe she’s just ecstatic to be going anywhere that’s across a river from Margo. Can Margo cross rivers? I’m not up on exactly what kind of evil spirit she is.” –commodorejohn

“People, relax. Mary is just practicing, as she’ll be popping out of a giant salmon square later tonight at Scott’s bachelor party.” –Mikey

“Mark used three contractions in the space of three panels! Can sex with Ben Smith be more than moments away?” –Mardou Fox

“How is telling someone they’re ‘good’, perhaps the most vague adjective ever uttered, at fishing exaggerating? Now, if Ben had said ‘Cherry tells me you have mastered even the most basic social skills’, Mark would have good reason to screw up his face, knock his bowl of soup off the table, and make odd mewling cries in the corner.” –Zork The Mighty

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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Your comment of the week in a moment but first, a quick link to me by many reader! Do you enjoy the cheery innocence of Archie but think to yourself, “This would be so much better if it were soul-blightingly depressing?” Well, your dreams are about to come true my friend.

And now! Your week’s top comment!

“Be careful Mr. Brooks — I mean Trey. You don’t want to know where that finger has been. Here’s a hint: Mrs. Bloom’s cat’s anus, piano shopping, Margo. Enjoy your plant!” –Mikey

And your runners up! Very funny!

“If Doc is a vet, shouldn’t he have put Rusty down by now?” –littlestevie

“Jill was wise to turn down Mary’s appetizer-size salmon rounds. When they’re combined with mass quantities of alcohol, projectile vomiting is inevitable.” –Alfred E. Neuman

“Lois does not do a single thing in today’s strip that is inconsistent with initiating a ritualistic mass suicide. My only doubt is whether this is economic collapse suicide or doomsday cult suicide. On the one hand, she is a real estate agent; on the other hand, she’s wearing creepy white vestments and an eerie sense of beatitude.” –Lorne

“Barbecue or thinly veiled attempt to thin the brood through pneumonia? That’s for a judge to decide.” –NoahSnark

“For people whose favorite restaurant is the Bum Boat, having a butler at your rehearsal dinner seems like overkill.” –Patrick

“In G.I. Joe, knowing is half the battle. In Crankshaft, it’s just being annoyed with the ‘joke’ in a different way.” –TheDiva

“Is Cherry actually thinking that Mark is off having a romantic rendezvous with a woman? It’s sad that after all these years she still doesn’t know Mark at all.” –Digger

“The only constant in the Gil Thorp universe is Gil’s sullen refusal to give Marty anything remotely interesting for his interviews. But Marty will laugh last, with ‘DRUNK ANNOUNCER MURDERS COACH.'” –Uncle Lumpy

“I think I know why Cherry’s so pissed: No one in the strip ever told her other tops besides button-down shirts actually existed, as she apparently just found out.” –Jason1981

“Dr. Jeff just keeps yakking through the social unpleasantness. Likely a defensive mechanism. His remaining patients probably can’t tell him about their pain and suffering as he talks over them about the curative powers of vitamin D and dips in the condo pool.” –Johnny Knuckles

“‘What makes you think Theresa Delgado was in love with me?’ Well, shit, man, just look at how suavely you toy with your Ovaltine. What woman could resist that?” –Chyron HR

“Why, there’s nothing boring about designing buildings! Perhaps one day you can design a building for me, with elevators that have extra-large buttons that I can actually press with my ginormous hand!” –Trilobite

“I’m in love! Jill is the perfect woman for me: drunk with very low expectations from men. Don’t you dare try to change her, Mary Worth!” –Dan

“When I first saw an attractive redhead sitting next to a lazy, smug brunette jackass, I thought I was reading Spider-Man. I’m not kidding.” –Zork the Mightly

“Why is Les attempting to give some sort of PowerPoint presentation? It’s a friggin’ book tour! You usually read a part of your book, chat with the audience, sign copies … just like he’s been doing up to this point. What the hell does he need visual aids for? ‘And this is my wife Lisa … before she was STRUCK BY CANCER.’ ‘Here she is, WITH CANCER.’ ‘This is a picture of her grave …’ ‘This is a picture of me dancing on it while caressing all the money I’m getting from suckers like you …’ ‘Here she is as a ghost overseeing my sex life …'” –Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket

“That bookcase is indeed clearly resting on the step-stool, which means this is probably yet another unbelievably stupid ‘plan’ that someone thought was a better idea than trying to use their words. Granted, I have no idea what the intended outcome is, but that’s never stopped these people before.” –This Guy

“Mark Trail does ‘sexy’ like a four-year-old girl holding a tea party does ‘sophisticated.'” –commodorejohn

“I like the way Scott’s facial expression softens considerably in panel two, like he’s thinking ‘Well, she’s right about lies. Maybe we should let her stay.'” –Jaliben

“This would be the best Mary Worth plot ever if they hauled Jill out of the rehearsal dinner, still shouting insanity and bludgeoning people with her ketchup bottle, and then we never hear from her again. From now on when someone mentions Adrian’s wedding in the comic, there needs to be two panels of awkward silence where none of the characters make eye contact with each other, and then they messily change the subject. ‘…SO, you know who else is still crazy? That creepy shop-a-holic hoarder lady. I mean yikes.'” –Tophat

“You’re a Plugger if somebody suggests bowling as a metaphor for sex and you don’t know what a metaphor is.” –Ed Dravecky

“I feel kinda sorry for Jill. Actually I feel sorrier for Adrian; Mary Worth is touching her.” –Sarah

“JILL SMASH PUNY SOCIAL MORES!” –Mr. Goboto

“I like to think that the bouncers were lazy, and just put her right outside. Now, she is just sort of looking in and cursing, and has been for the last 45 minutes.” –lord-z

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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