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Hey, everyone! As I may have mentioned here in the past, I’m going to be at the South by Southwest Interactive festival for the next few days (I’m actually typing these very words on a plane winging its way from Baltimore to Austin)! I’ll be on a panel about the future of blogging (if such a thing exists) on Saturday morning, and generally going to dorky panels and bumming around town. So if you want get together and talk about, I dunno, new media, or money-making schemes, or what not, shoot me a line maybe we can meet up! I’ll also be documenting my experiences in a show diary for ITworld.com, if for whatever reason you can’t enough of that sort of thing. I will be doing my darndest to fit my normal comics-mocking into my busy schedule; apologies in advance if posts are late, or if more of them than usual have titles that include the words “quickies” or “one-liners.”

And now, to justify the existence of this post for the vast majority of you don’t care about anything in that last paragraph, here are some awesome vintage They’ll Do It Every Time panels sent in by faithful reader Rachel! (And those of you who have started reading this blog in the last few years, after the death of the feature’s final artist — well, check the archives, for awesomeness.) We begin in 1943, with the feature’s core creative mission — savage complaints about minor inconveniences, often tinged with sexism — was already well established. From a historical/anthropological viewpoint, we also learn that butter used to have its own counter at stores, and it took a long time to buy butter, for some reason?

Also of note is the mysterious Chinese take-out box on the counter labelled “oysters.”

Here’s another one from 1943 that offers a more interesting historical look at World War II than the last six months of 9 Chickweed Lane. Apparently it was common for serving GIs to hear drunken tales of exploits from World War I? Irritating, but the bowler-hatted fellow’s advice to drug the man’s drink seems a bit excessive.

Now let’s jump ahead to 1956. Here we’ve arrived at the two-panel ironic whiplash we know so well from the Scaduto era, though the subject is at this point rather quaint. Also familiar to longtime TDIET will be the “Howcum?” interrogative that starts the thing off.

Here’s another 1956 installment with a lot of features that would be right at home in the panels from the ’00s: the wacky, on-the-nose names (“Pothooks” and “Bigdome”), the generic white-collar office setting (though again the specific gripe is now thoroughly outdated), and, tucked away in the thanks-to note at the lower right, an (imagined?) act of savage violence.

And finally, a top ten list of gripes, again ranging from the familiar (bosses suck!), the familiar but probably no longer considered suitable for the comics (your husband spends the household budget on booze for his buddies!), and the archaic (burning trash befouls your line-dried laundry!). Not sure if the numbers are meant to be tongue-in-cheek; if not, they say a lot about the readership the trip once had — and the everlasting pettiness of the American people.

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Your COTW momentarily, but first, some items of note! Last week I noted that one might need to (horrors) leave the house and go to the local library to find old soap opera strips, but faithful reader AndyL has another suggestion: the omnipotent Google! Yes, our cybernetic overlord has scanned back images of newspapers, allowing you to see things like Judge Parker from 1963, Apartment 3-G from 1967 (did someone just get acid thrown in their face?), or Mary Worth in 1962. (You may have to scroll around a bit in order to get to those strips.)

Also, faithful reader fillmoreeast offers evidence (cribbed from here) that many of your favorite comics characters once hawked high fructose corn blobs, including (shudder) Marvin.

What A Guy is apparently a comic from Reiner and Hoest, the same people who brought you the Lockhorns. I have no idea what it was about, but I hope it was about some little kid who just always goes around kissing everyone’s ass, proclaiming “What a guy!” about anyone at the drop of hat. As an aded bonus, fillmoreeast points us to another Google-indexed historical moment, this one from 1988, in which a Lakeland Ledger reader from Tampa writes in to complain that her beloved “cute” What A Guy has been replaced by some newfangled thing called Calvin and Hobbes, which she calls “OK but very uninteresting.”

And on that note, here is your totally interesting comment of the week!

“Petey’s pretty flagrant with his web-slinging there, but good job to him for not blurting out, ‘IT WAS SPIDER-MAN AKA PETER PARKER.'” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

And your runners up! Also funny!

“Mark Trail: “Ummm … people who punch out a Senator get arrested pretty damned instantly. You ‘expressed concern’ to the wildlife office? I can hear Leonard Nimoy in panel three saying ‘Most illogical.'” –ignatz

“It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Peter that none of these costumes comes with a mask. Which is why ‘Mary Jane Watson’s husband climbs a building in a wizard suit’ is bound to be number 1 on YouTube tomorrow.” –BigTed

“How is that broom hanging from the rack? Is the hook part of the prop? Now all Peter needs is a fake mustache and a spinning bow-tie, and he’s all set to unleash some vaudeville justice.” –bman

“I’m less concerned about Mark talking to Mr. Spock than I am that Boss Hogg is apparently a U.S. Senator now.” –BRWombat

“Is it possible that Batuik is going to impose his own version of Chekov’s Law of Economy in Narrative? ‘If you find a gun in the first panel, it must be completely forgotten by the third, to make way for more suffering and disease’?” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“I didn’t know that they sold Lockhorn dolls?! It even comes in a ‘What has two thumbs and hasn’t had sex in forty years?’ pose.” –LUJBEM FEJF

“Panel 1 from A3G is golden. Look at her face! Poor Tommie, moping through life in the shadow of one roommate and the all-encompassing eclipse of the other, has just had her last and final hope of at least a normal life — that age comes hand in hand with wisdom — crushed by the wisest and most honest person she knows. It’s powerful, tragic and, at the very centre of the issues at hand, takes place during someone else’s storyline. Now let’s watch as the story writes itself from here as Tommie’s crushing depression begins to suffocate her, but only in the throwaway Sunday panels most papers don’t even run.” –Black Drazon

“Also, just to make Gunther’s month complete, he let his subscription to Needy Loser magazine expire! Go figure!” –Marion Delgado

“It’s good to see Mark consulting the Romulans on political matters. They served him well in providing a wife.” –migellito

“I think if you were to tell Tommie that ‘life isn’t fair,’ she would be genuinely surprised to hear it. ‘Golly, I always thought it was! Hmmm. Now that you mention it, that makes a lot of sense. Explains a lot, really, like my string of failed relationships or the fact that I share an apartment with the modern-day Lucrezia Borgia.'” –Joe Blevins

“Dawn can’t wait to see the crushing disappointment on Wilbur’s face; it’s like Christmas, only with tears!” –True Fable

“Re: Wilbur (advice columnist) and Toots (slacker/drifter), methinks I detect the mayo-smeared fingerprints of the vast international Sandwich Lobby in the comics. Is nothing sacred? (Other than, perhaps, Baconnaise.)” –mvg

“If it’s 1960, why aren’t the ladies sipping sherry? It’s obviously after 9 a.m.” –shermy glamrocker

“A rare early Family Circus panel depicts the prequel to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with a hydrocephalic Dolly in the title role. Note the audience of matronly drag queens she has invited into the living room, to the horror of her mother.” –Doug Starr Twinkle

“Ok, if faced with the fill-in-the-blank ‘you’re a ___ couple if you can wear each other’s jeans,’ I’d have said gay. Why is Pluggers insulting my people like that? (Obviously I meant that as a gay, not as a monstrous suburban furry.)” –edp

“It’s heavy … but I like it. I could probably crush an esophagus pretty easily with this. Now cough up some real money, you hippie.” –Taquelli

“GT: GO Ñ!” –Red Greenback

“Toots’ plan to remain hidden will fail because 1) Sarah has no way to conceal the skateboard, 2) June will detect his life signs with her tricorder, and 3) Abby just took the only food he’s had in days. He’ll be found out by nightfall (aka ‘late May 2010’).” –Ed Dravecky

“Strangely enough, Peter Parker has hit upon the perfect costume for a Miami super-hero: ‘Raving at an all-night beach circuit party in an angel costume, mild-mannered Rafi Aguilar was transformed into the Amazing Guardian Angel when he took ecstasy laced with radioactive ketamine!!” –teddytoad

“I find it strange that Mr. Prisoner has a checkbook in prison, where the barter system is the accepted mode of paying debts. Sam should have held out for $100,000 worth of cigarettes and/or blowjobs.” –Rusty

“Be careful with your addictions, Wilbur. Sandwiches are comforting, but they’re a just a ‘gateway’ food. Soon, you’ll begin experimenting with wraps, then pita pockets and gyros. I only pray you’ll seek help before you find yourself drawn helplessly into the dark underworld of paninis.” –Perky Bird

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here is where we would give thanks to our advertisers, were there any to thank! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot — and how you could be the launch advertiser for our new RSS feed sponsorship — click here.

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Your COTW momentarily, but first, an absolutely delightful bit of Worthiana from faithful reader John Small Berries! He writes:

While cleaning out my office, I ran across the attached panel of Ian Cameron trying to relax at home. I’m not sure when it was originally published, but it’s at least several years old (my wife snagged a photocopy from the clipping on her mother’s refrigerator back in the first half of the last decade; no idea how long it had been hanging there). I thought you, and perhaps the rest of the Comics Curmudgeon readers, might be at least mildly amused by this bygone glimpse of life in Casa Chinbeard.

One of the interesting things about the soap opera strips is that there are literally thousands of them out there, but they’re almost entirely uncollected and thus inaccessible to any but the most patient soul willing to whirl through the microfilm at their local library. Who knows what awesome Aldo-level storylines delighted Mary Worth readers in the ’70s or ’80s, only to vanish in the mists of time? All we have is are brief, contextless glimpses like this. We can tell, for instance, that sometime in the 1990s or thereabouts Professor Cameron liked to “adjust” his “attitude” by sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of potato chips, a sizable amount of ranch dressing, and three tall glasses of scotch, and that in the middle of one such episode, he was interrupted by a rude buzzing, possibly a result of someone pressing a marital aid against his condo unit’s door. Beyond that, we know nothing.

Anyway, on to your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“Yeah, right now Wilbur, like a small child on Christmas morning, is infatuated with Kurt, but in about a week it’ll all be sandwich, sandwich, sandwich.” –Baka Gaijin

And your runners up! Very AMUSING.

“I was just down at the medical center, and I picked up this donated organ no-one wanted! Now let me pour out some clear serum for a refreshing drink!” –nomuse

“A trip through Devil’s Pass sounded interesting, so naturally it wasn’t. MT has a strange gift that seems to require a new word. I choose ‘borifying.'” –Poteet

“When he talks to his wife, Mark Trail has a vacant expression of joy that is the hallmark of a man whose marriage is built on a foundation of pharmaceuticals and denial.” –NoahSnark

“Thank goodness for Apartment 3-G, where Mr. Margo’s Dad remains under the adorable delusion that his daughter can love.” –Black Drazon

“They use to tell me I was so green … that my head looked like even more like an avocado.” –Red Greenback

“I love how that conversation ends. Cherry saying ‘I love you’ and that’s it. Mark had probably already hung up. Or better, he slammed the phone down as soon as he heard Cherry’s tongue curl.” –Roto13

“It does look like even the pigeons are just sort of ‘Yeah, whatever, buddy, just keep the birdseed coming.'” –Baron Bizarre

“‘Kurt agreed to the paternity test? Will he confess that he knew the results all along?’ I can just imagine how that conversation will go. Wilbur: ‘Well, it cost us $2,000, but now we know that I’m not your father.’ Kurt: ‘Yes. I knew all along. I’ve been intentionally manipulating you.’ Wilbur: ‘This won’t change our relationship at all.'” –AndyL

“Peter should just go to a costume store if he needs his silly pajamas to fight crime and rent one. Then he can spend three weeks’ worth of panels worrying about WHAT IF the clerk SUSPECTS that he might be THE REAL SPIDER-MAN and isn’t that a suspicious request for a CREDIT CARD that has his REAL-LIFE NAME AS PETER PARKER on it, that somebody might use to trace his SECRET IDENTITY? Meanwhile the actual clerk finds Peter to be a dull, slightly fidgety guy who’ll get the speediest possible service because he’s acting kind of creepy so let’s take his money and get him out of here.” –Chip Whittle

“How bad is Dawn’s tea? Apparently Mary has to use both hands just to force it down her own throat.” –Digger

“Good Lord. It’s like they wrote ‘3 P.M.: Frolic’ in their day planners.” –commodorejohn

“I’m a little insulted by the snarky ridicule directed towards Wilbur and Kurt, to be honest. Sounds like someone didn’t get enough con-artist/fake-father bonding time growing up” –Krazy Kat

“There is nothing more alluring to high school girls than helping the school janitor clean up the gym after a game. Maybe he will let you sniff the used towels.” –Rusty

“Dithers’ heel isn’t on Dagwood’s throat; it’s on his bowtie, the source of his power.” –Jonn

“Yes, Beetle, it is always a mistake to embark on a journey into the strange, crisp world of uniform cosplay.” –skullcrusherjones

“But check out that look on Mr. Kessler’s face; he’s staring directly at the comic strip audience with a knowing look in his eyes, as if to say ‘You and I, my friends, we know better, don’t we? We know that just last night I was entertaining a couple of nubile young coeds and then things got a little, shall we say, Freak-Ay! You can find more details at http://www.kinkymisterkessler.com. All major credit cards accepted.'” –Jeff Soesbe (yeff)

“Kurt’s gone! And he made his bed first! THE BASTARD!!!” –BowToTheBard

“Mr. Wilbur Weston really ought to be arrested for felonious lack of self-respect. Is there any doubt what caused young Mr. Evans to slink away in the middle of the night? One is not surprised that he would prefer the precarious life of a ne’er-do-well to having such a sad case as a role model. He certainly could see the impact on his putative half-sister. Miss Weston has no friends, no life, and apparently no ambition beyond being elected princess at the Santa Royale eggplant festival.” –Fashion Police

“It’s Kurt. He’s gone! But for some reason you’re still here, Dawn.” –Judas Peckerwood

“Ah … Major Kessler of the SS. The Mossad lost you in Argentina. Milford … in a clown suit … pure evil genius! Check and mate, sir!” –Sans Sense

“I get a strong impression that the MW artist really enjoyed drafting class and would be much happier if he were allowed to draw Wilbur, Dawn, and the rest of the crew as nice, pleasing, regular cuboids in a cabinet oblique projection. Cross-hatching could be employed as an indicator of strong emotion, when required. The white shorts today are a clear sign of a bitter, frustrated man lashing out the only way he knows how.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

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