“Sorry, the only QR Dagwood recognizes is ‘Quiznos Reuben.’” –Pozzo

“The Hootin’ Holler Olympics is sponsored by Mountain Dew Rise, the only energy drink powerful enough to fuel a whole townful of men as they spend another week not looking for paid work of any kind.” –BigTed

“I like how both Dustin and his dad twist their heads just 45 degrees in a feigned attempt to say something to Dustin’s mom as she sadly leaves. ‘Were you going t–…No, you go ahead and … uh … ah, she’s probably fine.’” –pugfuggly

“The International Olympic Committee is a highly corrupt farce of an organization but they’re also very protective of their brand so for once I’ll be on their side as they send an army of lawyers to shut down Hootin’ Holler.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I am sitting in a chair and slumping as hard as I can possibly slump, and my knees aren’t as high up as Dustin’s in panel 3. Never say he doesn’t excel at anything.” –matt w

“Funky Winkerbean: Hahahaha! I mean, oh no.” –Noel

“I think Crankshaft has stumbled onto a working formula: Ed spouts vaguely apocalyptic nonsense, causing those around him to panic and seek solace in religion.” –Joe Blevins

“Les and Cayla got up that morning, got cleaned up, ate breakfast, and went to a pumpkin patch. Once they got there maybe an hour later, Les casually mentioned, ‘Oh yeah, by the way, remember that Hollywood movie based on the book I wrote about the woman I wish I was still married too? It tanked, like an anvil in a lake, heh heh. You probably didn’t know that because you never would check the news or reviews on the internet. I don’t either, really, I got an email about it several days ago from a movie star we know but I never bothered to tell you.’

How could any of this be possible? The only conceivable, realistic analysis here is that Cayla finally has moved out or thrown Les out, possibly over his emotional fling with the actor playing Dead Wife Lisa or maybe just his continuing neglect and necrophilia, and this is their weekly rendezvous at the marriage counselor’s office. Anxious to avoid another smirking, pun-filled confrontation before they enter the office, Cayla blames the movie’s promotion rather than the fact the story was trite and tired, ‘a disaster best run late at night on the Hallmark Channel,’ and the film poorly acted — she’s actually read the reviews. Especially the one where the reviewer from Vulture confessed to laughing at the wrong moments. Cayla laughed too. Meanwhile the counselor waits. He is Dr. Linus Van Pelt, all grown up and secretly (and quite insanely) still waiting for the Great Pumpkin to rise from the estate around his home office. ‘Westview is sincere in its misery,’ Dr. Van Pelt tells his security blanket, ‘and I have tapped into the mother lode. I have seen him already,’ Van Pelt adds, not realizing that in fact he only has seen Funky on his morning run.

Across the park, meanwhile, a woman strides to a nearby church, in order to pray for her father to die.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“Damn, can’t believe Snuffy Smith is just openly defecating in there. Well, actually, I can.” –Irrischano

“I can tell Carol won’t make it to the ‘Fighting Wilburbabies Nightmare’ stage of the relationship. She may not make it to the dessert stage of this dinner, if she’s smart.” –georgiabob

“Hi looks dejected because the twins don’t want some of his Cream of Lois’s Wig soup.” –nescio

“You’re going to put Claxton to sleep? I prefer sending Claxton to live the rest of his days on a farm.” –Liam

“I know my limits, but those don’t extend so far as to prevent me from eating this … coin?” –Charterstoned

“Les straining his body to the limit hoisting a mid-sized pumpkin into his car made my day. First he tried reading poetry at it, then musing on the fate of arthouse cinemas, and nothing worked. Finally he was forced to resort to labor, like a common … god, what do you even call someone who’s not an artist?!” –Dan

“The deeper underlying story must be why Carol is so desperate. It’s one thing to date someone you have little in common with, but she can see, hear, and presumably smell Wilbur, right?” –Rosstifer

“Welcome to the HAUNTED WELDING SHOP, kids! It’s SCA-A-A-ARY! You’ll see cracks! Inclusions! Porosities! Undercuts and underfills! All leading to… CATASTROPHIC STRUCTURAL FAILURE! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!” –Peanut Gallery

“I hope Sam doesn’t scooch back and kill that bush with his oily hair. He’s already gotten grease stains all over his seat. I pity his pillow cases.” –made of wince

“Yes, when two people start dating, if those two people have dogs, every activity — nay, every location they visit — must be prefaced by the word ‘dog.’ You don’t go to the park; you go to the dog park! The beach? Please. We go to the dog beach with our perfectly symmetrical dogs. Next, we’ll see Wilbur and Carol visit a dog brewery! The dog movies! A joint visit to the dog ophthalmologist (which is different than an ophthalmologist for dogs)!” –els

“It’s a good thing kids don’t actually read newspaper comics, including one called Comics for Kids. Otherwise, this might be the day that millions of children across America start pedantically correcting others about which sea creatures are fish and which are not.” –Joe Blevins

“Oh, we’re getting married all right. And you know what else? Neither of us is getting gunned down outside the church. I know no one asked, but still, you can take that one to the bank!” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Yep, the US-China trade war has been hell but I took what was left of my hedge fund and bought this fishing lodge slash vineyard slash tax dodge.” –Hibbleton

“For some reason, I thought all the characters in this strip were completely aware of all the stuff the other characters have been doing. I mean, their lives all are so boring, so wouldn’t they spend a bunch of time gossiping, on the off chance that they’ll find entertainment in hearing about a bunch of different boring people whose lives just might be slightly less boring than their own? Come on. Don’t tell me Michelle hasn’t even heard of Edward’s dog.” –made of wince

“As is Columbus Day tradition, the boats are full of filthy disease ridden parasites that are going to brutally colonize Dag’s digestive track.” –Jerp+Jump

“Leroy was just about to sign those divorce papers, and Loretta thought one last jab could only hasten the process, but now he’s not going to, out of spite.” –Violet

“GEORGE: I see. So this is why you asked me to wear this shirt today. Not because you found it handsome, but because it would make me look like a fool. [stands up] Well done, Martha. I feel like a fool. [leaves room]
MARTHA: [continues laughing]
DENNIS: [looks around uncomfortably]” –Dan

“Everyone else can watch the ceremony online. But I’m a realist, so I am saying ‘can,’ not ‘will.’” –Ettorre

“Well, back in MY day, when someone asked who else will be there, you give NAMES, dammit! She wants to know if she’s going to have to deal with Rex and Buck or not, and your non-answer isn’t helping!” –Mysterion

“In a surprise bid to stay relevant, Dennis the Menace enters the ‘bad art friend’ discourse.” –Biiirdmaaan!

“I love the side-eye that walrus is giving, seemingly trying to read the text. ‘Ok, sure, polar bears eat seals, but what about walruses? This is a pressing and not-at-all-hypothetical question here!’” –pugfuggly

“I’ve never gone to war but I might develop PTSD after seeing that weird, orange plaid chair.” –nescio

“Yeah, Mark served in Afghanistan. He got a dishonorable discharge after his patrol got wiped out. It was a cool day on the slopes of Tora Bora, and Mark was on point. A woodsman, he could move like a ghost through the trees. Mark heard a noise, a small scuffling against rock. He froze, put his hand up in the fist, and the patrol froze with him. Slowly Mark moved forward, and then he saw it. Meriones zarudnyi. ‘Guys,’ he shouted. ‘There’s a Zarudny’s jird up here! Very rare, only found in Afghanistan, Iran, and Turkemistan!’ The little rodent looked back at Mark as the Taliban machine guns opened fire.” –Voshkod

“While the few remaining undomesticated humans skitter past in their no-longer-needed icebreaker, the gulls know the deal: you spread a few fish around, maybe you tip off a bear on seal locations every once in a while, maybe you don’t. Let the others fight. You’ve got your own racket, and nobody loses, except the arctic cod.” –pastordan

“Like, they expect you to remember to catch the bus. Oh well, time to watch soaps with you all day, mom.” –2+2=7

“I appreciate this woman whose dream job is teetering on the edge of extinction. She’s making the moves on a guy whose current job is at a local newspaper so it’s nice that they’ll have something in common in a few years.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“In my dreams I don’t function as a being. Also when I’m awake, actually.” –Applemask

“You might think that Carol is being vague to avoid this exact question from Wilbur, but this is Santa Royale, where everyone’s favourite food is ‘any.’” –Rosstifer

“My favorite part about today’s Family Circus is Jeffy’s squinty eyes. They have the effect of making him look downright smug. ‘That’s right, Dolly — I got hurt, and I’ll have you know I only cried for 20 minutes. And if you think this is bad, you oughta see Daniel Tiger. Who’s a baby now, huh?’” –Austria

“You have to admit, if anyone is going to understand a scam in which art is only a tertiary concern at best, it’s the makers of a Walker-Browne legacy comic strip.” –pastordan

“‘Hey, Loweezy, I caught some dadburn fish!’ ‘That’s great, I’ll cook ’em up with some butter an’ eggs!’ ‘Oh, ah, whoops, I swiped your butter an’ eggs money while I was looking for worms to catch the fish, and lost it gambling. My bad!’ It’s basically O. Henry’s Gift of the Magi, but the opposite.” –BigTed

“Cassie stole the diamond in front of several eyewitnesses, and Slylock knows from experience that she’s just going to go straight home and answer the door in a towel saying she couldn’t possibly have stolen the diamond because she’s been taking a bath for the past two hours even though there’s a utility bill stating that her water’s been cut off for weeks or some shit.” –jroggs

“The next week of Dustin strips will portray all the principal and peripheral cast being devoured by increasing hordes of raccoons. Then the next few weeks after that will show the remaining world population being swarmed and gruesomely devoured by raccoons. Then the feature will continue on for several years as just drawings of desolate landscapes and abandoned buildings with the raccoon swarms just kind of swarming all over everything, until the comic is eventually cancelled for being TOO popular.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“I don’t want to be one of those entitled fans complaining that female characters are no longer depicted as sexy. But Cassandra is a female cat burglar — there will be always an element of seduction, you cannot put her into sensible clothes! You made a sexy furry? Sorry, now you must live with what you have created!” –Ettorre

“I’ve pretty much heard everything before. I’m terribly old and long for the release that death will bring.” –Pozzo

“Wilbur is just absolutely flummoxed by the idea, even the concept, of buying toys for a small creature in your care, and every day another thread in the Dawn tapestry comes into view.” –Dan

“This strip has finally gotten its formula down to the essence. Panel 1: introduce new idea. Panel 2: ‘Oh yeah? What about poop?’” –pugfuggly

“I like how shocked Hi looks in panel 2, like he’s seeing Thirsty for the first time. ‘This rumpled, slouching, hair-growing-wild-over-his-eyes, beer stinking slob who’s been my neighbor and best friend for longer than living memory,’ he thinks. ‘Could he be a fashion iconoclast?’” –Amelie Wikström

“You know, I actually got drunk before I picked out this outfit last night. Then I got even more drunk and fell asleep on it. It worked out great, as you can see. Anyway, I’m throwing my life away.” –made of wince

“Pluggers invented low-rise jeans. Take THAT, you coastal hipster elites!!” –Where’s Rocky

“Mary Worth shows us what happens when both players select the same dog in a 16-bit fighting game.” –Lee Sherman

“You’re not going to jail, Abby. Jail is a county or municipal lockup for misdemeanor imprisonments of a year or less. Arson’s a felony. You’re going to prison.” –cheech wizard

“I wouldn’t think you’d need someone to ‘recommend’ chew toys to you, but then again, this is Wilbur we’re talking about. ‘How about this? Is this a good chew toy?’ ‘No, Wilbur, that’s heartworm medication.’ ‘What about this?’ ‘…That’s a chinchilla.’” –TheDiva

“Inwardly, Carol sighed. She knew how this ended, in a musty apartment heavy with the smell of gin and despair, trying to pretend to be interested in a monster until she had just enough evidence to call in the heavies with the long guns. She screwed her smile to the sticking point, twirled her hair slightly, and leaned forward, and watched Wilbur’s pupils dilate in response. She had him, and soon she’d prove that he wasn’t fit. Not a good fit for his dog. It was a difficult and sometimes disgusting job, but Carol knew what she was getting into when she became an undercover agent for the ASPCA.” –Voshkod

“How unfortunate. We could have used his skills to bore the enemy to death. Well, there’s only one option left. Get me … Buck. And may god have mercy on our souls.” –Schroduck

“Daisy’s panel one expression is pretty accurate for a dog who just realized the mailman is wearing a uniform that might be made out of her parents.” –Irrischano

“What better use of a visual medium than telling the readers about an image they can’t see?” –Urlance Woolsbane

“Incidentally, by Wilbur’s ‘new friend,’ they mean Carol. Pierre considers himself more of an associate.” –Joe Blevins