“You can’t judge me, Narration Box! You don’t even have blood!” –Applemask

“Between the title in the first throwaway panel, the coloring, and those glinty lines, it really does look like Dennis’s nose nuggets are meant to be taken as literal gold. I guess Henry wants Dennis to save his golden boogers for later in life. They’re as much of a retirement fund as he’ll ever have.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“NO! You did NOT earn that self-satisfied smirk, lady! Sure, it’s the Funkyverse and everyone thinks they’re a word play genius, but this isn’t even word play. Unless I’m mistaken and that look is just because you enjoy another human’s misery, then please, continue on.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“‘I cooked it the same as always. With extra salt, because we live in a desert and people need extra salt to counter what they lose to perspiration. Huh, those guys are looking at geese. Strange to see them so far south, and not near any water source.’ –Thrilling True Life Tales of Crock will continue!” –Voshkod

“[In announcer voice:] Tessi sees her opening and GOES FOR IT, pretending to care about Vic so he’ll give her a cool nickname and elevate her to stardom! Vic feints AND BLOCKS, saddling her with ‘The Contessa’ instead! This strip knows how the game is played! … Wait, I’m getting a message from our producer. Quick clarification, fans: That game is psychological one-upmanship, to be clear, and NOT basketball, about which Gil Thorp remains largely uninterested. We regret any confusion.” –Doctor Moreau

“Beetle is giving Sarge the gift of an AWOL charge, which will get him dishonorably discharged and out of Sarge’s life forever, save for when he testifies at the military tribunal.” –Sideshow Jon

“A mixtape! [Wait a minute, cassettes are no longer in use! Do young people use something equivalent? Probably, let’s keep it generic] A music mix!” –Ettorre

“My theory is that the two people in front are with the SEC. It turns out that Leroy has been wearing a wire in a lot of the interactions we see with his co-workers, who are going down for insider trading. Leroy has been useful to them, but that doesn’t mean they have to listen to him go on about his horrible home life.” –Tom T.

“I’m looking forward to the day a tongue specialist comes to Hootin’ Holler and repairs everyone’s problems. It’s obvious not a soul was born with a normal sized tongue; think of all the drool that will be eliminated and the danger of slipping and falling taken away!” –Randy Richter

“Leroy has decided that wearing ballet shoes everywhere was too subtle, and has escalated to outright bragging about his agility.” –A Concerned Reader

“I can’t help but wonder why we’re all so focused on the heteronormative dating that no one is asking what ‘the movies’ look like in this neck of the woods. I assume they set out a lantern and watch moths fly around it.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Saul: ‘Good. Keep going.’
Eve: ‘To my therapist, you mean?’
Saul: ‘Well, yeah. But also, just keep saying stuff. I’ve run out of conversation on my end.’” –Joe Blevins

“Skyler got the definition of irony from that famous bird philosopher, Avianis Morissette.” –BigTed

“Jeff, you’ll know the way every Keane has known since the dawn of time: when your parents tell you which girl they’ve bought from her parents with 10 goats and 2 talents of gold.” –Dread

“There is a cop in Milford town
They call the Rising Sun.
And he’s been the ruin of many a poor boy
But Doug Guthrie, he ain’t one.” –But What Do I Know?

“It’s so great that every student has a different expression. As touched as I am by the elephant’s wistful struggle to understand, my favorite is that duck, clearly having to work very hard but utterly determined to Get It.” –Poteet

“Hagar may be a mass murdering pirate who targets defenseless peasants, but his worst crime? His dislike of Fleetwood Mac.” –Evelyn Waughluigi, on Twitter

“Crock and Outlook are certainly made from the same material (i.e., deleted scenes from March or Die that were left on the cutting room floor for violating sundry international treaties).” –Wayne Ferrebee, on Twitter

“At first I thought Slylock was sitting in the chair backwards to look cool for the kids, but then I realized with his voluminous tail that’s the only way he could sit in the human designed chair.” –nescio

“Feeling called out now for owning commemorative Snuffy Smith® hand towels.” –The Great Joe Bivins

“The real question is: why would Weirdly be throwing soup cans through windows? Petty crimes and vandalism are more Slick Smitty’s department. Weirdly would use the pea soup as blood for the giant vegetable golem he’s constructing in the dungeon of his ominous castle.” –TheDiva

“Despite it’s age, Gasoline Alley still manages to keep current by giving its characters cell phones and making them ‘raise the roof’ periodically.” –pugfuggly

“I don’t know exactly what’s happening here either. But I do know one thing: the lady in the blue T-shirt did not ask.” –Joe Blevins

“I was going to try to craft a joke around a fake doctor wearing a head mirror because all he can think of is the antiquated stereotype, so I thought I would Google up the technical name for them. To my utter disappointment the technical name is ‘head mirror.’ No wonder so many people turn to quackery.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Interesting that ‘License-Grantin’ License’ is the only one with colloquial spelling. I guess they didn’t want to telegraph the joke, but there’s no way Doc Pritchart knows how to spell ‘Optometry.’” –Pozzo

“A true friend will help you set up a gag, no matter how far-fetched. Shoe knows perfectly well the Perfesser has never had a girlfriend.” –Peanut Gallery

“He had muscles in places I don’t even have places! That’s what GMO gets you, man, these massive chickens with eight legs and muscle meat. Me, I’m free range, raised on scotch and Doritos. Quality meat.” –Voshkod

“Kids these days will ‘bust a sag.’ But pluggers ‘bust a sad‘ … ammirite?” –grsblvnyk

“I’d like to point out that the caterpillars in Six Chix are not fuzzy. The Wooly Bear is a fuzzy caterpillar; these are not. The proper punchline would be ‘chilly and pulpy.’” –BeckoningChasm

“‘I might die on the operating table,’ thought Funky, ‘and damn it, I’m not going to have it end here without fulfilling my lifelong dream of committing sexual harassment predicated by stupid word play.’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Somewhere out there a junior brand manager who thought a sponsored name drop in Gil Thorp would be an edgy and cost-effective way to raise Mountain Dew’s brand awareness in a key demographic clears her morning schedule to try and get Neal Rubin on the phone so she can tell him ‘I don’t know what the hell that’s supposed to mean, but I’m certain it’s not what we discussed.’” –Francisco Arrowroot

“I just want to announce that I’ve actually spent time trying to figure out whether the hands on the strollers in today’s Marvin have human-norm four fingers or cartoon-norm three. O, when is this pandemic ever going to end?!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“God damn Rex must love everyone wearing masks. No need for facial expressions or warmth or reaction of any kind. ‘Noted.’ Bam. Crushed it. Are you smiling? Far as she knows.” –Dan

“One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish, eh? Sounds like my love life. I mean my dinner selections! Jeez, can we just start over. Don’t move, kid. Just stay right there.” –Voshkod

“Catsmo has articles like ‘How to service your partner with your tongue,’ but they’re about basic hygiene.” –Ettorre

“‘Cassandra Cat is the jewel thief.’ Wait. Nothing in the setup mentioned anything about jewels, only that the museum was robbed. Only Slylock knew that there were jewels — therefore Slylock must be the thief! I knew he would finally trip up. How many others have been wrongly convicted, I ask you?” –Just John

“I like how between panels 1 and 2 Hi escorts Lois into the ‘negatorium’, the special dark room he had constructed to provide the proper setting to air his grievances about the world.” –pugfuggly

“I know there are valid artistic reasons to have a character break the boundaries of a panel, but I’m not sure that ‘I need more room for the copyright notice’ is one of them.” –Mr. A

“How dare you try and experience joy!” –Lord Flatulence

“Aging is mandatory, maturity is optional, dementia is inevitable.” –Pozzo

“I’m fascinated by the way Harry’s interlocutor goes from polite attention to withering contempt in a matter of seconds. This is known as The Dinkle Trajectory, and poor Harry just thinks that’s how all first meetings between people are expected to go.” –Violet

“Harry: ‘I can see you’re a band director because you speak in measured tones.’
Other guy: ‘Oh, I thought you had figured it out because this is a music educators’ conference where most of the attendees are band directors.’” –Joshua K.

“Those are either slippers or knockoff Crocs and I hope the next three weeks covers Eve trying to file a personal injury suit against Amazon.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter

“Some parents tip toe out of the room after putting their child to sleep. Marvin’s parents talk loudly over their son’s crib. Because they hate him, you see, and they also hate themselves.” –Ace

“Gosh, Rex Morgan, M.D., I don’t like Buck, but I don’t want him to die.” –Chyron HR

“In one strip, an elderly woman gets dragged to her death by an out of control dog. In another, two schmucks sit around a desk blabbering. One of these comics is about gentle meddling, the other is about two-fisted action. Which is which? The answer may surprise you.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Enjoy these grade school years with Sarah, but don’t enjoy your sons’ grade school years. Just hate every day of those years. Then, when Sarah is a teenager, hate those years. When your sons are teenagers, enjoy those years. When they all have become old enough to go to college, alternate between hating and enjoying those years. Got it? I can help you set up a schedule, if you’d like.” –made of wince

“Admittedly, though, this is a dumb question. It’s cheesecake, sir. It comes with a plate. A plate you have give back, by the way.” –Joe Blevins

“Shoe is really banking on the idea that if he continues to read the newspaper he edits in public, someone will think, ‘Who is that unpleasant, bitter bird and what is he reading? I’d sure like to get my news from the same source as him.’” –jenna

“In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the walking path was where I spent most of my days
Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, all mondo
And all walkin’ my dog outside of the condo
When a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started selling men’s suits in my neighborhood
I had one little stumble and my mom turned pale
She said ‘You’re movin’ in with Mary Worth down in Santa Royale’
I whistled for a cab and in the front seat
Was a medium sized dog that was dressed like me.
If anything I can say that this cab is bad to the bone
But I thought ‘Nah, forget it. Yo dog, to Charterstone!’
I pulled up to the place about four or five
And I yelled to Saul Winter ‘Yo, your pet still alive?’
I looked at my kingdom
I could finally tell
That this would be my throne as the Queen of Santa Royale.” –jroggs

“Sad Level 1: You dress your twins in identical outfits.
Sad Level 2: You dress your non-twin kids in identical outfits.
Sad Level 3: You and your kids dress in identical outfits.
Sad Level 4: You and your dog dress in identical outfits.” –Truckosaurus

“I like the new, genteel Hagar. On his next raid, he’ll say to his victim, ‘Good day, sir. Would you prefer to be gored or beheaded? I must give you fair warning, they are both a bit messy.’” –Peanut Gallery

“Eddie? Yeah, Eddie, listen, there are people who check up on lies now … yeah, I know … I KNOW! Get back to the monastery in England and make it look like 50 suicides, okay? Yes, I know that will take months. JUST DO IT!” –Dread