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Metapost: Santa brings you your comments of the week!

Your last comments of the week before Christmas, everybody! I’ll be blogging through next Wednesday but then you’re on your own until 2015. So enjoy this one, it’s gotta last until next year!

“That e-trollop used her hyper-sexed mark-up language to become his .com-cubine.” –grsblvnyk

And the very funny runners up!

“‘Traffic … traffic is the real menace.’ Thus Dennis dedicated his life to (unsuccessfully) building a flying car; he died alone, driven half insane from syphilis.” –rbmalpha

“They could consider wife swapping, but considering that their wives are identical except for the haircolor it might be easier just to swap a pair of wigs.” –John Plugger Mellencamp

“And so Billy’s Beat Poetry Christmas closed after one performance.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I predict artificial hip.” –nescio

“I don’t think that’s a teacher. I think that’s just some random woman that nabs kids when they try to walk offstage, and has set her sights on Billy next. Mommy Keane has noticed her and is thinking, ‘You know what? I’m just going to let what happens happen.’” –Jack loves comics

“Inasmuch as the economy in Hootin’ Holler seems to be based on stealing chickens from one another, I am very confused by this sequence. Perhaps the Holler’s tribal customs mandate that the subject of theft is a taboo — a necessity that cannot be openly discussed? Anyway, it’s only a matter of time until the Feds start relocating various agencies into the area in a misguided effort at ‘development,’ which will become the favored local euphemism for mooching and feasting on the flesh of delicious, delicious eco-tourists.” –pastordan

“But just imagine if you had no context for this strip … there are these sad droopy people, weighed down by the burden of life, sitting at a diner where they literally nailed Santa to the window frame, and they’re talking about somebody named ‘The Funkman.’ And then the scene cuts to The Funkman himself, in a crowd. My first thought would be the association of ‘funk’ with ‘bad odor,’ and I’d wonder why the joke isn’t that the crowd parts around him with wavy lines, maybe flies, floating over his head. My second thought would be to question whether Robert Goulet is a regular in this strip, or if he’s just coincidentally holding center frame at the same airport as this Funkman.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Notice how the giant Heathcliff poster covers half the door, so that all must bow before entering. That’s no accident.” –Digger

9 Chickweed Lane: “And so we transition from The Wrongest Day to Is Paris Boring?” –Droopy Says

“Please tell me Gil said the words ‘no hoops for you’ in the vague foreign accent of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi. It gives me pleasure to think of Gil as a would-be office comedian whose references haven’t been updated since the ’90s.” –Joe Blevins

“‘No pressure,’ Mary says as she contemplates suffocating herself with her oven-roasted sofa cushion.” –Lynn Larkin on Facebook

Meanwhile, Sean has been dead for over 20 minutes.” –RavenHawk

“Anyhow, sorry for interrupting with my ‘Bobby talk’. You were saying something about how I’m a terrible player? The metaphorical bottom of the barrel?” –pugfuggly

“So first Mary tried to use Sean to get Hanna to move to Somerset. And now Sean is trying to push Mary into moving to Somerset(!) This is like one of those action-packed political thrillers where everyone keeps double-crossing one another, except it’s about retirees arguing over their living arrangements while eating dessert.” –BigTed

Judge Parker: “I think someone called this yesterday: this isn’t business negotiation or marital trouble, it’s an extended form of very weird .001% foreplay. In a few hours (i.e., roughly six months), Rocky will have Godiva on a desk somewhere in the factory growing more aroused as he watches the dollar appreciate against the Thai Baht on his smartphone as Godiva talks dirty about what her husband is doing to American workers.” –Master Softheart

“SI.com, Feb. 17, 2037: ‘Coach stuffed into locker by own players; wet hair gives rise to rumors of alleged swirlee.’” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Come see Josh tell jokes above a Los Angeles Chinese restaurant!

Brief announcement, y’all: if you’re in LA or will be LA-adjacent this coming THURSDAY, December 18th, come see me tell jokes at the Palace Restaurant in Los Feliz! Starts at 9 p.m. and I will probably go on pretty early in the show, since most of the other people have been on, like, TELEVISION and stuff. They’re all funny and I will be too! Here’s the Facebook event, for your Facebook-eventing pleasure!

Metapost: Let’s get commenty

Would you like to read my choice for this week’s top comment? Well here it is!

“The coldest part is the woman on the left’s expression of satisfied amusement. ‘Ha ha, I loves me some these-kids-today-and-their-social-media humor! Also, Mom just died.’” –Peanut Gallery

These other comments are also quite funny!

“Next week on B.C.: those goddamn beatniks, man.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I was shocked that Lois finally admitted [in panel two] that Hi’s purpose in life was as nothing more than a burnt sacrifice to some chthonic god of comic strips, an act of hope that she and the kids get to keep their existence going one more year. Then I read the next panel, and now I’m sad.” –ps

“Its OK MJ, you’re signing blank sheets of paper anyway. ‘Foggy’ got his name for his billing practices.” –Kevin on Earth

“And just how is Foggy able to give his ‘Sure, go ahead, sign it’ so quickly, in standing-around-time? Seems this contract is less ‘rights of unspecified future technologies’ and more ‘return the costume dry cleaned.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I love how whatever Marvel intern that’s drawing this just threw a single, unattached gel frame into the middle of the beige void in a half-hearted attempt to create the atmosphere of a movie set. Like Spider-Man himself, they just couldn’t be bothered to put in more effort than was absolutely necessary.” –TheDiva

“Hmmm, those are some pretty stringent demands, but I don’t really want to cross this guy — I’m pretty sure he’s actually Morbius, the Living Vampire.” –Pozzo

“His name’s Rory McCormick. Some special effects guy out of Hollywood. Looks like someone hooked a question mark around his neck to subdue him and then beat him to death with an exclamation mark. Thank god they didn’t have access to a diacritic or they could have really ripped him up.” –Voshkod

“As a fruit bat researcher I must protest your irrational fear of bats with 1.7 meter wingspans. These are fruit eating bats so you have nothing to fear! (Except if you fear SARS, Ebolavirus, Marburgvirus, Nipahvirus and some other viruses that are present in fruit bats.)” –seldom seen

Meatloaf, mashed potatoes and shrimp-and-avocado salad … Mary is saying with food that a threesome sounds like a good idea, but one zesty dish doesn’t really work that well with two boring old standbys.” –BigTed

“It only figures their acquaintances would be identified by their diseases. ‘I’d like you to meet my bridge partner, Shittie. She’s got IBS.’” –Écureuil Écumant

“My only regret is not knowing how many retweets my dying words will get.” –zaratustra

“Of course, his controversial politics did win him some followers too: when word got out, fans of AM talk radio from all over the state brought their kids in to listen to ‘Right Santa’ tell them the truth about unions, gun control, and fiat currency.” –pugfuggly

“Considering the turf and Mitchum’s cleancut appearance, I’ve got him pegged for an FBI plant. Them good ol’ boys better be keerful or they might be in fer a dronin’!” –Anonymous

“Wow. It’s worse than I thought. It’s not just Michael McDonald. It’s Michael McDonald and Terry Bradshaw! Terry, how could you give up a lucrative broadcasting gig to become a hitman in a swamp?!? Do you really miss Shreveport that much? Well, at least you’ll have some mellow backing vocals for your assassination attempt.” –Mikey

“I think they’re desaturating the colors here to give the impression of nostalgia and gently faded memories, but it has the effect of making this comic look like one of those dystopian science-fiction movies where 99% of the population has died of some terrible virus and the other 1% wishes they had.” –Joe Blevins

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.