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Metapost: Delicious comments of the week

I just looked out my window at 8:45 am and saw a lady walking down the middle of the street stone cold eating popcorn out of a giant tin. On this Friday, let us all resolve to be as devil-may-care, shall we? And let’s all aspire to the humor levels of this comment of the week:

“It’s the end of the first quarter, and you’re already busing out the ‘Max Bacon is sizzling’ line? As fun a name as that is, there’s not really too many directions you can go with it, especially not in the positive. ‘We’re at the half, and Max Bacon is killing the visitors like high sodium and cholesterol!’ ‘Third Quarter is up, and Max Bacon is hot like a grease fire!’ ‘The game is up, and if one thing’s for certain, it’s that Central wishes they were kosher right now … or something … Bacon, right?’” –pugfuggly

These runners up are also extremely funny!

“Now, Rusty, most people don’t find insects all that appealing. But as I’m a nature journalist and you’re a … whatever the hell you are, we have a deeper understanding of the wonders of the natural — Goddamnit, Rusty! Could you stop shoveling bugs down your gullet for one second? I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, here!” –rbmalpha

“I love it that Momma now takes place in an alternate universe where the former Presidents of the United States are all still alive and just kind of hang out these days. It’s a fantastic literary conceit. Lincoln was laid-back, like some cool stoner uncle you only see at family reunions and weddings. Washington, however, is obviously more tense, and you can see why. He apparently has to be on living display 24-7 at some tacky D.C. tourist trap, balancing precariously in his three-legged chair while idiot tourists just barge in and evaluate him. Valley Forge was nothing compared to this!” –Joe Blevins

“Does no one find it disturbing that Gordon grew nine inches and about 50 pounds between panel one and panel two? Was he bitten by a radioactive middle-aged man at some point, and this is some kind of superpower?” –Damian

Hi honey, you look disheveled and beaten down, you’re uttering expressions of weary drudgery, and the kitchen is a tableau of chaos. That’s … good, I guess? Interpreting visual and vocal cues is not my strong suit.” –TheDiva

“Coming up: Max claims to have a medical reason for taking Adderall. Marty pushes this version of events under the slogan ‘Cured Bacon.’” –Horace Boon

“Amy’s ‘big news’ is that her lawyer assured her that the competency hearings on her mother will be just a formality, especially since the judge has been ‘dating’ Amy all these weeks. Involuntary commitment for Hanna, here we come!” –Shrug

“Did I miss the comic where Mary was the cause of Amy and Dave getting engaged, or is that going to be told in flashback? There is no third possibility.” –A Concerned Reader

I saved your life! Of course, I also caused you to fall in the first place! But then again, you shouldn’t have been out there trying to kill me in the zeroth place! But in the negative oneth place, I shouldn’t have done whatever the hell it is that you want to kill me for!” –Hogenmogen

Sounds reasonable, but you might want to get a second opinion from a registered cardiologist, Martha, just to be sure. Take it from me, you don’t want your main source of medical advice to be a five-year-old. Or anybody with ‘the Menace’ in their name, for that matter. Except Dr. Stanley ‘the Menace’ Gottlieb — he’s all right.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So the supervillain with all of the wacky, cutting edge technology resorts to a boring old handgun? I hope Spider-Man mocks him when the gun misfires and then Mysterio beats him to death with it.” –Mikey

“Leroy is a vampire! Or an idiot. Whichever.” –Nekrotzar

“MOMMA HAS MASTERED TELEPATHIC THOUGHT SUGGESTION, FREUDIAN IMPULSES AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GUILT SHALL REIGN SUPREME” –Dan

“Okay, ‘Dave’ is obviously a psychological coping mechanism. This storyline can’t not end with Amy standing over Sean’s body with a bloody knife with some quote from Rumi in the corner.” –Matt Algren on Facebook

“If I blow on them all, Dolly, I’ll run out of curare darts. I only have ten shots … well, nine, now … and P.J.’s a slippery one. So just relax, Sis, this won’t hurt much.” –Voshkod

“Did Ayn Rand have giant Popeye arms in real life, or is this an idealized rendition of her?” –Chyron HR

“Dolly referring to a collection of objects that make harsh, shrill noises as a ‘family’ seems about right.” –nescio

This conclusion tells me this entire Mary Worth plotline is some surreal, nihilistic performance art piece. Hanna fecklessly commits herself to ill-advised romance that could cause deep rifts in her established personal life, only to find that those same careless, shallow motives exist in everyone, rendering moot the consequences of her decisions. And we have uncanny valley Gordon, whose appearance in this strip resembles that of a ventriloquist dummy (who effectively says and does nothing), indicative that all responsibility in this world is hollow and meaningless. Goddamn this is dark.” –HAnzMFG

“I hope the rest of Newspaper Spider-Man is just Spidey pulling an infinite succession of masks off Mysterio. Until finally he reaches his own face, and with horror peels that off to reveal a radiant globe of pure light that envelops the entire universe.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“No, my Ichthyoid companion, I feel no terror. For months we have been trapped together within this tiny bowl with no space to swim, no chance to breathe free in the water, no chance for new experiences or new friends. Our only companion one another and the horrible weight of our thoughts brought upon us by the mysterious and cursed sentience that God or science has been bestowed upon us to recognize the horror of our day to day existence and the meaninglessness of it all and no one to recognize our plight or cares to render us aid. I feel no terror. I feel only relief.” –Comrade Dread

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Metapost: Your week, your top comments

Hello all! Please enjoy this comic of the week, won’t you?

“They say he has the proportional strength of a spider. They say he has the reflexes of a spider. Soon, they will say Spider-Man has the same number of fingers as a spider: none.” –Voshkod

And please enjoy these runners up, won’t you?

“I love the idea that anyone can stand next to Jughead and be the one called out for a stupid hat.” –Tim Pendergast, on Facebook

Aside from being ferocious hunters, grizzly bears are also opportunistic scavengers, so always stay alert in the wilderness — even if you’re dead.” –HAnzMFG

“Wait … are ‘torture implements’ illegal? I mean, actually torturing people is (mostly) against the law, but as for the implements themselves, that raises some thorny second amendment issues. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with an iron maiden is with a good guy with a judas cradle.” –ratnerstar

“Considering that Funky Winkerbean barely shows any sign of life, wouldn’t ‘Enormous Mega-Tech’ have made for a better acronym? We could have had a whole week of jokes about pulling the plug on this strip.” –Droopy Says

They’re in my uncle’s golf bag! Oh God, the drill and the hot tongs and knives, he keeps them all there! THE BODIES ARE IN THE BASEMENT! THE BASEMENT, JESUS CHRIST! Uh, we’re still birds, right?” –Jack love comics

“Gross, Momma’s nose is bleeding/has a blackhead/isn’t finished having been drawn yet. Pretty bad when ole Commas-for-Eyes refuses to look at you.” –made of wince

Sean is great here as he realizes, ‘Uh oh! I’ve just married this woman, and now she’s going to be there in my goddamned apartment with her … stuff!’ I love how he tries to play it cool: ‘So that flute is your only possession on earth, right? That should probably fit in my sock drawer. And how cool are you, on a scale of one to ten, with sleeping in the bathtub? I’m just going to assume ten and move on.’” –Joe Blevins

I starting making a record of Trixie’s height on the wall. Well, the side molding, actually. I would never mess up any of our blank wall space with markings, or paintings, or mirrors, or photographs. IT MUST REMAIN PURE.” –BigTed

“Amy should be very grateful she wasn’t invited. Look at what she’d have to eat.” –Poteet

Five minutes later: ‘Oh shit, I don’t have a boat anymore! How the fuck was I supposed to get back to the office? Mark? Are you still around…?’” –pugfuggly

“As the saying goes, a Mark Trail story isn’t over until the roc-sized pelican eats the remaining characters.” –dmsilev

“Loretta, I saw people buying your new cookbook, Fifty Shades of Grey.” –nescio

That guy kind of reminds me of the broker who came to Westview some years ago, pitching condos in the new Westview Ridge Knolls development. He said there would be two easy payment options — cash, or going and fucking yourself. Today he’s the mayor.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I love that it takes Vince three speech balloons to get all his thoughts out. I imagine him pausing between each to take a huge gulp of air, while Mark and Cherry wait politely for him to finish.” –the good ship thetis

Also, faithful reader Briane Pagel responded to my creeping horror that someone, somewhere might be writing Lockhorns fanfic by writing the only Lockhorns fanfic that needs to exist, so please enjoy that as well.

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Scary/romantical comments of the week

On this Friday the 13th before Valentine’s Day, please enjoy this comment of the week either in terror or love or both, as is your choice.

“A lot of hay has been made of exploitative practices in the banking industry over the past few years, but it’s about time someone went after their cozy relationship with Big Pen. STICK IT TO THE MAN, LOIS.” –Dan

These runners up are also funny/mushy/terrifying:

“Leroy appears to be chatting about Hell with a paunchy, middle-aged ballet dancer. ‘So, hey, Mister Sharpnose, let’s see you do some of those jumpy parts from Swan Lake!’” –Oregonian

“It’s okay, somehow, that humans have gone extinct in this world, because the animals here have carried on our greatest tradition: passive-aggression.” –Joe Blevins

“The only thing worse than starting the week with a peekaboo shot of Shady Shrew’s navel is the vague discontentment that it was meant as a pun.” –nescio

“A shrew weighs about 10g, so those little balloons could be enough. Why Shady is the same size as the gorilla is left as an exercise for the reader.” –Downpuppy

“Look, guys, you’ve somehow managed to develop opposable thumbs and are using transportation devices powered by basic levers. I’d say you’re all winners here!” –BigTed

Rex Morgan, M.D.: “When Rex says ‘That has to be at least an $80,000 car,’ he’s not being impressed — he’s asking June to confirm that it is, indeed, a car worth a minimum of $80,000, since otherwise he’ll have to ask that it be parked elsewhere so as not to lower the tone of his driveway.” –Shrug

“So Kelly has been driving Sarah around in the corpsemobile. Apropos, considering Sarah’s dead, soulless eyes.” –rbmalpha

“I love it when Margo plays dumb. What’s a show? What is this T.V. of which you speak? Who are you and why are you here, wherever the fuck ‘here’ is?! Wait, that last question’s kind of legit.” –Violet

“Outside it’s a beautiful spring day, but inside the bank despair and darkness reigns. Lois, swaddled in thick clothes to keep away as much of the bone-chilling cold as possible, makes an inane inquiry and gets an equally pointless reply from the person behind the counter. As the CCTV camera watches, they look off in the distance, doing their best to ignore both the sinister shadow cast by the cup crammed full with cheap pens and the terrifying black wall that separates them from the rest of the world. This is the hell to which they have been condemned.” –Ekudamram

‘Getting older has its perks!’ Sean said out loud. Fortunately Hannah cut him off before he could add, ‘If this is a bad decision we probably won’t know ’til we’re dead.’ He felt a wave of relief that he hadn’t shared exactly what he was thinking. After all the wedding day was her day, and he was upstaging her enough already with his sartorial boldness.” –Spunky the Wonder Squid

“Tomorrow in B.C., the guys visit a bakery, where they get caught pinching the loaves. Then on Friday, one of the ants gets accused of cheating at cards when he drops a deuce.” –grsblvnyk

“At parties? I’m sure Lois is a real pistol in the sack. I imagine her, after going through the motions with Hi, laying there in bed. Beads of fake-orgasm perspiration gather on her forehead, her eyes as wide as those circular black dots can be. She turns to Hi and instead of vowing her undying love to him, she gives him a heavy-lidded expression and asks: ‘Why is our son’s name Ditto?’” –James in North Dakota

“I’m totally relaxed for this wedding! My pacemaker prevents my heart from beating too quickly, the Exelon I’ve been taking for Alzheimer’s is keeping me from light headed ecstasy and my arthritic joint pain is preventing me from getting giddy in any way. I … I feel nothing. Just an empty void expanding before me like the grim specter of my approaching death. And that’s … good now? Whatever, I am numb to fear, too. Getting older has its perks!” –Hogenmogen

“I realize that it can be difficult to draw things consistently from different perspectives, but the Mary Worth Trio (trademark pending) goes from looking downright sinister in the first panel to joyous in the second. Are we sure this isn’t some kind of storytelling trick, and what we’re really seeing is a group of similarly dressed villains descending on City Hall right at the same time as Sean and Hanna’s wedding? At least then, we could use ‘narrative convenience’ as an explanation for why Sean came dressed as the Joker.” –Brad

“Even more terrifying than a long-dead historical figure brought back to life through some dark necromantic spell, Momma is trying to force some Lincoln-presidency based puns. ‘Well, Abe, if I may address you, I’d like to make the proclamation that you need to unionize! Eh? Eh?’” –Jack loves comics

“It doesn’t look like Cherry shot that man with the intention of saving anyone. It looks more like she has no impulse control. ‘A pie!’ *eats the pie* ‘A bow and arrows!’ *shoots the first person she sees* ‘A hideous, malformed orphan!’ *adopts the orphan*” –wonkeythemonkey

“I’ve tried like four times to read this Apartment 3-G strip and every time when I get to ‘HMMM…’ it wipes out the past thirty seconds from my brain and I have to start over. Seriously, I can’t even tell you who’s in it or what they were talking about; there is only ‘HMMM’.” –MRTK

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