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Metapost: It’s the comments … of the week!

What? Another Friday? That means another comment of the week!

“Fear not, Josh. Already Jack’s face is congealing, Terminator-style, back into the form of a standard issue Apartment 3-G suitor, and Carol has developed a case of Peter Pan collar. Soon they will be restored to factory settings, and this story will end.” –pastordan

And some more very funny runners up!

Blondie lacks ‘smart’ dog door tech? Look for upcoming strips about cars without shoulder belts, the hassle of dial telephones, and lawn darts. (That last one doubles as a tearful goodbye to neighbor Herb.)” –Ed Dravecky

“Hanna won’t rely on her daughter to drive around. Emerson inculcated in her a philosophy of self-reliance. I see this one getting meddled off into the woods to live deliberately, or possibly die deliberately, given her advanced age and declining faculties.” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“The thing I find most intriguing is that ‘Brick Bull’ is referred to as the ‘Bully Bull.’ I mean, his name’s Brick Bull, for God’s sake! Just how badass do you have to make him?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So, I tried to go to LuannComic.com, to find out about the guest artist, but it just brought me to the GoComics site. Is this some sort of joke? Oh, wait, it’s Luann and it’s not funny — so, yes, probably a joke.” –bbofun

“The jury cat appears terrified. ‘He knows the bull is colorblind! Soon enough, he’s going to tell the jury that cats really can’t see in total darkness, just very dim light! There goes my street cred!’” –hogenmogen

“You’ve heard of ‘Stone Soup?’ Well, ‘Butt Stew’ is pretty much the opposite of that. It does not encourage people to share, I’ll tell you that much.” –Dan

“I feel like there’s some subtle passive-aggressiveness lying just under the surface of this friendly conversation between naturalists. ‘Sure, I bruised my ankle and had to walk through some rough areas, but my love of saving endangered rhinos is what brought me here. What brought you here, Mark? A magazine story you wanted to write? For money? Well, I guess we can’t all be as dedicated to the rhinos as we’d like to be.’” –pugfuggly.

The maps are on the table inside! First we go to the airport; I have a C-5A waiting. They’ll load us up and fly us out. The drop is from 5000 meters over the Al Jaghbub Oasis. I’ve equipped the RV with a large drag chute, so she’ll be drivable when we land. We’ll meet my contacts there and arm their forces. We’ve got 200 FN FALs and about 20 Forty-Nines for the officers. Always go Belgian when you’re arming mercenaries, right? I packed a BRG-15 or two just in case, food and water for 250 for four weeks. Then it’s a straight drive to the northeast and we seize Marsa Matruh, put up our new flag and, just like that, you’re the Emir of Parkerstan! Abby can be the Minster of Defense, Neddy the Finance Minister, and I’ll be the shadowy head of the intelligence services. It’s a real family outing!” –Voshkod

“In the Trail-verse, you’re required to maintain at least one car length between each participant in a conversation. Sure, it’s tough on the vocal cords, having to shout everything in BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS constantly, but it’s worth it because the chance of accidental unwanted physical contact is zero.” –Joe Blevins

“Speaking of ponies, it appears the old lady’s bridle is being adjusted.” –jim, some guy in iowa

“Has Ms. Pierpont kept that hippie imprisoned for the last 40 years? Does … does he know what happened to rock music?” –Chyron HR

These artists are amazing! I wouldn’t have thought it possible to convey ‘smugly mugging for canned sitcom laughter’ in such a crude art style, but remarkably, they pulled it off!” –bunivasal

“Why would you do something that gives you enormous pleasure, like eating cookies from a jar on an easily accessible shelf, after an authority figure told you not to? I guess I’ll never understand children.” –BigTed

“Its been forever since Curmudgeon readers have submitted photos reenacting the comics, but I think panel one is perfect. I’m going to go practice swinging a handgun around while someone throws a snake at me. What’s the worst that could happen?” –Chareth Cutestory

‘Pluggerville’? Is that a planned community, or some sort of quarantine complex?’ –C. Sandy Cyst

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Enjoy some comments of the week!

Good morning! Would you like to read this week’s top comment? Well, here you go! Have at it!

“I question the split-window design on the back door of that yellow sedan. ‘Ride in style with one window that can’t possibly roll down and another no more than a few inches wide in your new 1993 Oldsmobuick!’” –Ed Dravecky (on Facebook)

Oh, also, would you like to read the runners-up, which are also funny? Go to town!

“Context is vital here. At work, Leroy’s younger, more hirsute, not-yet-defeated-by-life coworker came bounding up to him with the news that he was going to ask his longtime girlfriend to marry him. Leroy didn’t even look up from his computer. ‘Mmm-hmmm,’ he said in a disinterested voice. ‘Listen, before you do that, why don’t you stop by our house this weekend?’ When his coworker asked why, Leroy just said something about ‘instructing’ him. The moment depicted in this panel is from Hour 5 of that instruction. The coworker’s heavy, heavy eyelids mean the process is working.” –Joe Blevins

“The Number 2 on his shirt is a clue as to what he did, the naughty boy.” –debussy fields

Mary Worth: “‘Too many parents think of their children as an inconvenience,’ says the woman whose lack of any immediate family leaves her endless time to meddle in others’ lives, as she lounges poolside in her idyllic beach-town condo complex and considers another serving of lemonade and cookies.” –BigTed

“Hey, kid. The guy who coaches your team had an ambulance parked next to the field so that he could make a joke about how shitty the team is. Do you know how much an ambulance costs? Couldn’t you just die of embarrassment? No? How about if I told you the guy he’s talking to isn’t stoned and hasn’t had a stroke, that dopey look on his face is a smirk. And his name is Les Moore — Les Moore, a pun, get it? Now do you want to die of embarrassment?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You want to eat out? Bring it up a couple hours before someone cooks for you. ‘This is No-Win City, and politeness is on my alderman’s agenda! Oh man, here come the traffic laws of basic civility!’” –Dan

“Cower in terror, O ye dogs of the street, for the Day of Judgement is upon you! For behold, the Angel of the Lord is astride his Pale Horse, blowing his trumpet! Today you shall account for all your sins, ye mongrels of the gutter!” –Perky Bird

“Pluggers don’t recognize eye parasites until it’s too late. They also have great fun with their fleas, ticks, and guinea worms. ‘Ah, look at ’em, poking his head out from my skin. He thinks he’s a plugger!’” –Voshkod

“I think the EPA might have this one right. Bonfires that black out the sun and turn day into night can’t possibly be good for the ecology.” –Brad

“If Olive were still with Mary, she could have warned Mary in time to prevent the accident. Where is your all-seeing tummy brain now?” –AhClem

“We can’t talk about it now, Carol! There are readers present!” –Cloudbuster

“Most comic characters have 4 sausage-like fingers on each hand. I can deal with this cartoonish simplicity. Beetle Bailey’s Cookie reduces this number to 3. In a few years, the strip will be inhabited by characters whose arms end in a flesh mitten. And from there, perhaps a singular, floppy knob to wrap around equally minimally drawn objects of indiscriminate purpose.” –hogenmogen

We did all we could, Mark, but I’m afraid he’s gone! As soon as we turned our backs, he jumped out the window, stole one of the cars, and drove off, screaming something about ‘one-horned bastards’. Can you break the news to his lady friend?” –Enlong

“Mark Trail does not mourn. He merely closes his eyes, and somewhere, an eagle weeps.” –Jack loves comics

“Something was missing. Compassion. I spent all day emptying bed pans and dealing with sick people and their really gross diseases and festering injuries, and did I hear one word of sympathy from Margo or Lu Ann? No. How could anyone be that self-absorbed?” –cheech wizard

That sounds more romantic than ‘Rotovirus Quarantine.’” –Kevin on Earth

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Fully Californian comments of the week

Hello all! I hope that you feel that I’ve been doing a decent job of mocking the comics from the opposite side of the country from where I had been previously mocking them. You all continue to do a good job with the funny comments, as it turns out! Like this top comment from the week, for instance:

Calm Dennis is so spooky. ‘You’ve discovered my secret, Mother. Congratulations. Yes, I like to watch vintage lumberjack romances on Turner Classic Movies sometimes. Tell Father if you’d like. I don’t care one way or the other. And now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to Ardor Amid the Pines please.’” –Joe Blevins

And these hilarious runners up!

I’m really glad you’re home, Hemingway. I call you ‘Hemingway’ because you remind me of him. You both have smaller than average penises and it’s only a matter of time before you kiss the business end of a shotgun. And you both like cats!” –gelded wildebeeste

Who hired me? Alaistair Z. Footfieldmanstein, on accounts that they were rivals to win this year’s ‘Dumbest Fucking Name in Comics’ award.” –Comrade Dread

“I’d submit to Pluggers too, if they’d expand their repertoire of Dr. Moreau-beast-people a bit more, instead of the regular dog-men, bear-men and chicken-women. For example, there would be one where the caption was ‘The Plugger Web.’ where the picture was of a massive, Shelob-like spider-plugger in a John Deere hat, ensnaring a horrified fly-man in its massive web.” –Jack loves comics

“It’s almost like Dennis the Menace the comic needs a talk about good attention/bad attention more than Dennis the Menace the child. Depicting a 5-year-old watching porn on the family TV in front of his mom will probably get you some letters, but they’re not the kind of letters you want! There are better ways to get us to notice you, like jokes!” –Alex Blaze

“Just how far does Dagwood’s food obsession extend, anyway? Cause I’m wondering if Blondie just has to do the 9 1/2 Weeks thing to get him interested, or if she needs to go all-out and dress like a comically oversized sandwich.” –TheDiva

Mary Worth: “So just to recap this adventure’s moral: Don’t listen to your parents, kids. Listen to angels, faeries, and the small lump of neurons in your digestive tract. And Mary of course, always listen to MARY.” –pugfuggly

Mark Trail: “And Chekhov’s Rhinoceros finally leaps off the mantlepiece … and into our hearts.” –Shrug

“At the mention of the guv’mint, the kids switched holding their pencils from writing tool into holding them as stabbing tools. Yes, they are learning everything there is to teach at Hootin’ Holler High School.” –Chareth Cutestory

Hee-Hee. I’ve got a second brain in my tummy! BEFORE LUNCH IT WAS IN DOCTOR KAPUHT’S SKULL!!!” –Dr. Mabuse

“It makes me sad that he isn’t proffering a hamburger sandwich and French fried potatoes as bait, since that is the agreed upon bait of choice for American teenagers. How is he going to attract a teenager with just a comfy chair? These coddled teens have all the comfy chairs they want already. Kids today, with their hamburger sandwiches and their comfy chairs, and their loud music like the 1812 Overture. They make me sick!” –Jejune (who posted this comment on Facebook, guys did you know that I have a Facebook and you can post funny comments there too if you want)

“‘In the time I traveled here from, we loved beehives so much that we even named a women’s hairstyle after them,’ said the 1962-era government functionary as the older folks admired his glasses, mustache, crew cut, short-sleeved white shirt, rumpled black tie and pocket protector.” –BigTed

“Yes, it’ll be interesting to follow Olive’s progress as she grows up. Except that I won’t.” –A New Day

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.