Oh hey, after a week off, it’s a new comment of the week!
“‘I will always be in your debt!’ Translation: Don’t expect any of that money back.” –White Rabbit
And some very funny runners up!
“In the third panel, note that Veronica and Archie are helpfully demonstrating the two extremes of Bipolar II disorder. Even their outfits (Screamin’ Strike Pink and Bowling Bummer Blue, respectively) convey episodes of hypomania and deep depression.” –Joe Blevins
Luann: “Protip: if you live in a world of paper-thin characterizations where most people are defined by one or two traits that are comically exaggerated to substitute for personality, you might want to avoid marrying someone whose single defining trait you find intensely irritating.” –Master Softheart
“Mary says she lived in New York ‘years ago’ and that it’s since lost its old-town charm, which confirms my suspicion that Mary is not ‘perpetually 60,’ but a member of the undead. The last time New York had real old-town charm was in the days of Peter Stuyvesant, of whom Mary has first hand knowledge. Ask her sometime about his ‘Dutch treat.’” –debussy fields
“‘Whoops, this syrup is slippery,’ cried the henchman, ‘and the jar fell right into this basket of deadly cobras!’ And so Old Man Dunlap passed the fresh batch of meth to his distributor right under Mark Trail’s nose.” –Ed Dravecky
“HEATHCLIFF IS ASCENDANT. HEATHCLIFF KNOWS ALL. SEES ALL. CONSUMES ALL. GRAVITY DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. TIME DOES NOT AFFECT HEATHCLIFF. YOU ARE ALREADY IN HIS MOUTH. YOUR FRIENDS ARE HIS TEETH. YOUR HOME IS HIS ESOPHAGUS. YOUR TOMB IS HIS STOMACH. YOU WILL BE BURIED.
it is too late” –bunivasal
“Spider-Man would like to lash back at the jeering children, mocking their own weaknesses and insecurities with a catchy taunt of his own, but he can’t think of anything that rhymes with ‘pencil-thin mustache.’ Or ‘hormonal imbalance.’ Or ‘Don Johnson’s jacket.’” –Shoe Substitutes
“I’m a little disappointed that the newly-liberated rabbit passed up this opportunity to hop on Pop.” –Doctor Handsome
“Say what you want about Leroy’s alcoholism, at least he keeps his bottles neatly organized, largest to smallest. That there is a sign he still takes some small pride in his chosen vocation.” –Robot Quasar
“Perhaps Hagar is going to be this generation’s Conan. First, Hagar the Horrible, which we’ve been enjoying (is that too strong a term?), then Hagar the Conquerer, in which he leads his men south into the civilized lands and plows a trail of fire and gold, and finally Hagar the Emperor, where he broods on this throne of skulls and ponders whether it was worth leaving the thatched hut on the icy shores for the warm pleasures of the South. It will end, tragic and bloody, with a nod to Shakespeare when Eddie, a minor Iago, kills Hagar and takes Helga as his own.” –Voshkod
“For such a great Broadway actor, Ken isn’t able to keep up his ‘Happy to Be With Mary Worth’ face for a couple minutes.” –Baka Gaijin
“Oh god, it’s a team-up with the golden age Crankshaft. I am just 100% not ready for Crisis on Funkyverse One.” –Dan
Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.
Hey guys, I’m traveling for the Thanksgiving holiday and so I’m going to skip doing a COTW this week, OK? Let’s give DaveyK another week at the top. Hope you’re enjoying your turkey comas!
Guys, just a quick final reminder that I and many other funny people are going to be funny Saturday night, in Baltimore. You should come!
Also funny: this week’s comment of the week:
“Better Half routinely poses a bedeviling question: Is any creature inside the narrative alive to the existential horrors which we, the audience, are subjected to on a daily basis? With one glance, today, comes the answer: The cat is aware.” –DaveyK
Almsot as funny: the runners up!
“Ed was just waiting for an opportunity to rail against his hated enemy, the ‘Transportation Department,’ the faceless (and possibly nonexistent) government bureaucracy he has arbitrarily blamed for all his problems — career, health, emotional, interpersonal, you name it. I’m sure he wasn’t actually listening to what his coworkers were saying, just waiting for a gap — any kind of lull in the conversation — so he could complain about the much-loathed Transportation Department and their ‘stunts.’ The dialogue here could have been about anything. ‘Hmm. Looks like it’s clouding up a bit out there.’ ‘GODDAMNED TRANSPORTATION DEPARTMENT! How many shoe boxes of my feces do I have the send them anonymously through the mail before they stop pulling stunts like this?’” –Joe Blevins
“Call me old-fashioned, but I like seeing a man derive joy from his chosen profession.” –Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
“Current Wizard of Id Comics Translated: [long farting noise]” –pugfuggly
“I usually think the signatures on comic strips are a little ostentatious. But if I drew some random thug just walking up and knocking Mary Worth over for absolutely no reason, just because fuck Mary Worth? Yeah, I’d take some pride in that.” –Dan
“Not only does today’s Mary Worth exploit multiple middle-class elderly fears for dramatic effect, it also reinforces their misunderstanding of just what a ‘pusher’ is.” –Q0906+6930
“Dad? DAD?! WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY, DAD?? No, don’t lay in the water and slowly drown! That is so like you, dad! This is why mom left, dad!” –Tophat
“‘Knutsen, Secretary of the Unlettered Savage’ is one of the less popular Norse sagas.” –nescio
“I wonder if Mary kept the receipt for that purse. I know that cheap old biddy isn’t carrying any cash. So at the very least, the mugger should be able to return the purse and get some Lord & Taylor store credit for his effort.” –Marc
“The Heathcliff team briefly considered making the effort to stagger the text to correspond with the rippling of the flag in the breeze, but decided that that would run counter to the spirt of the joke.” –Doctor Handsome
“So a little while back, Mark tries to show city slickers how great camping is and they burn the forest down after an attempted bear mauling. Then he goes fishing with Rusty the dog faced boy and they trip on ’shrooms. Now they go camping and look to be having a miserable time. Is this a new direction for the Mark Trail franchise sponsored by Comfort Inns?” –Maltmasher
“I tell ya’s, Rocco, Blackie … I had the purse in my hand and was about to give one last pull, but then she says ‘Leave me alone,’ and I don’t have to tell you mugs, we gotta respect that, it’s our code. But then she adds, ‘…you jerk.’ Well, I ain’t gonna take that kind of language from nobody. This was in Central Park, remember. Kids can hear. So I killed her.” –Dr. Mabuse
JP: “Because there is no logical difference between the plausibility of a multi-billion dollar National Security Program firing drone-mounted Hellfire missiles at suspected terrorists in active war zones from remote locations and a 13 year old cheerleader maneuvering a recon satellite by making a phone call to a ‘translator’ vacationing on a cruise ship. Sometimes, Sam, I swear you forget what strip you’re notionally a protagonist in.” –Master Softheart
“You must be part fish. My dad says he wants to hook you with his rod!” –sporknpork
FW: “Ann breathes a sigh of relief that the child (probably) won’t be named after Blessed Saint Dead Lisa. Jess’ mother is just relieved someone finally remembered she existed. Funky is awed to realize he feels something that isn’t soul-crushing despair, while giving the pre-arranged signal for ‘Yes, we have penis!’ Les is shocked that he wasn’t called first, while frantically trying to figure out what the male variation of ‘Lisa’ is. Cayla stands quietly by and allows herself to be ignored, as per the norm.” –TheDiva
Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:
- Weapon Brown: Weapon Brown is a graphic novel in the post-apocalyptic genre, with something extra: the entire cast is drawn from the history of newspaper comics! All of your favorite funny page friends from Charlie Brown to Ziggy are featured as mutants, mercenaries, or some other variety of wasteland badass, all wrapped up in a thrilling action parody! The Kickstarter is now into its stretch goal where every pledge could be the one that doubles the size of the book to a mega-sized 400-pages!
To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s mobile version or RSS feed, click here.
A very brief note to you, pre-COTW, that I am doing three standup shows in the Baltimore area in the next eight days, including one tomorrow. Here are the relavent details! And now, without further ado, your comment of the week:
“Mark seems really excited about the arrival of black flies tomorrow. I think maybe he has a different definition of ‘fly fishing’ than the rest of us. ‘Ha Ha! I caught another one! This tiny fishing pole sure works great!’” –Brad
And your very funny runners up!
“Shelly’s shout-out elicits only a 3 out of 10 on the Meddlegasm scale: small no-teeth smile, no nimbus, no upraised index finger.” –Baka Gaijin
“WHAT does that quote beginning Mary Worth’s strip MEAN? Does silence GLOW? And if so, is it easily confused with other glows? Does silence only glow when awake? Why would awakening silence be a GOOD THING? I don’t understand ANY OF THIS. From now on, I’m going to just throw a bunch of words together and hope one catches on and is someday put into a comic strip red by NOBODY, unless ironically. Here’s a few: ‘From far away, one can barely discern the truth of a lack of knowledge.’ ‘Leaves fall to the ground, but do they fall upwards?’ ‘In space, kittens.’” –Briane Pagel
“They’re not at the Waldorf-Astoria, they’re at the ‘Waldorf Astoria.’ It’s probably a transient hotel called the Waldorf that happens to be in Astoria, Queens. I’m thinking they got the sign and the ceiling about right.” –CaroZ
MT: “These guys do know that arrowheads are no longer generally accepted as currency, right?” –bourbon babe, unbuckled
“Coming soon on Hal Wallis: Real World Lawyer: Hal overplays his hand in the negotiation, takes 3 months to nail down the wording on the college fund clause, and the publisher walks. Hal bills the Morgans $15,000 for their trouble.” –lorne
“You said it Lukey, nothing makes me feel more young an’ strong an’ fearless than puttin’ on my belt of human toes. I wish it was socially acceptable to wear our war trophies more often.” –Hal Mars
“It’s a little late to be starting Sarah’s college fund, isn’t it? I guess the Morgans figure that just when her tuition to one of the major Ivies is due, they’ll suddenly receive a windfall of the exact amount. ‘Why, this World Economies paper of Sarah’s is exactly what we need to fix the national debt! We’ll need six copies; here’s $217,000 for your trouble.’” –BigTed
“Look, Blondie, Paula Deen was no longer available, so just cook us our goddamn yams, all right?” –Anonymous
“The spirit of Walter Matthau materialized in panel two to safeguard Blondie’s zinger and ensure that it was a Grandpa Level Comedy success.” –Chareth Cutestory
“That dress is a thing of wonder – not only does it actually have distinguishing lines and show some skin, but it’s not a hideously undefined shade of pink and/or beige. It fits in so poorly with the A3G aesthetic, it’s literally trying to throttle Lu Ann to death so it can escape.” –The Ben
“Blondie is going to be very upset when she gets paid in Confederate Dollars for this event.” –Doug Wykstra
“‘Maybe you don’t have to.’ [picks up book] ‘STOP!’ [smack] ‘WRITING’ [smack] ‘DEPRESSING’ [smack] ‘SHIT!’” –pugfuggly
“Question: is Lu Ann’s hollow skull in actuality a jingly cat toy?” –Doctor Handsome
“Absolutely, the middle panel is where the action is … right between ‘We’re probably screwed’ and ‘We are screwed!’ comes that moment of reading the title page of the superintendent’s report: Riverdale High Worthless: Close And Burn Building Immediately, File Lawsuit Against Weatherbee, followed by a random string of cuss words.” –Dr Mabuse
“‘I’m prepared,’ said Doc as he stared into the distance, his eyes not seeing, looking inward rather than at the vast expanse of wilderness before him. ‘You might say this is what I’ve been preparing for my whole life. Every breath, every heartbeat, has brought us to this exact…’ The buzz of tiny wings began to crescendo. ‘Moment.’” –Greg
“I don’t read this strip regularly so I’m wondering why Dick is being interviewed by a waitress from a truck stop in outer space. Is this required to get space coffee?” –aphthakid
“Hey kids! Here’s a tip from Mark Trail: When your hands are so riddled with bug bites that you can’t even scratch yourself without doubling the agony, try grabbing a copper kettle from a roaring bonfire with your bare hands. It’ll burn the sores right off!” –Guts Dozier
“And in the missing fourth panel, smirky Les pulls out a red pen and corrects Lisa’s grammar.” –Lumaca Morente
Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.
Enjoy your first comment of the week of the post-daylight savings time season!
“Ionesco-like bedtime story about Ueizzi The Murderous Pig? Check. Melting wallpaper? Check. Margaret’s shoes placed cunningly next to his bed? Double check. Alice, you sly fox, what will you think of next?” –els
And your runners up! Very funny!
“Chip somehow remembers Studio 54, and that haircut looks strangely familiar … OMG Chip is the reincarnation of Andy Warhol!” –BigTed
“What really got me was the fact that the men just up and ran straight over the rock and fell down the other side, AND that they did it so fast that the last few men, seeing their fellow soldiers drop down the other side (but presumably not hearing them yell in horror as they fell into a pit? A ravine? That river full of alligators that the priest fell into at the end of Temple Of Doom? Who knows? I KNOW, with my new ‘Crock Alternate Endings Fan Fiction Website,’) where was I, oh yeah: seeing their fellow soldiers drop down but hearing nothing, just kept on going, to their doom.” –Briane Pagel
“I was thinking Marty was signing her dialogue for the hard of hearing — you know, since she’s speaking out loud to an empty room already.” –Kevin on Earth
“It never pays to ignore yourpublicpeter.com, a website where exhibitionists can post photos documenting their exposure.” –nescio
Mark Trail: “Those aren’t buttons on Mr. Dunlap’s shirt. That’s the access panel for his internal hardware. Mr. Dunlap is a Cybernetic Elder, or Sagebot, from the Euell Gibbons line. (There are several of these models still functioning, but it’s getting harder and harder to get parts. In fact, Mr. Logan there might actually be making a service call as the words he’s saying,’It’s my pleasure, Mr. Dunlap – it’s a story of local interest,’ sound more like some sort of machine code diagnostic routine than words that humans would say to one another.)” –Ned Ryerson
Judge Parker: “Randy Parker is Kate Jackson in Scarecrow and Mrs. King: The Next Generation.” –Master Softheart
“Shelley has decided to dedicate her award to the concept of shelter itself. Suck it, food and clothing!” –pugfuggly
“Can we just skip ahead to the part where we find out Mary’s friend has been embezzling millions from the shelter for years, please?” –tegrat
“I don’t think you could print ‘DESERTS’ in the small amount of space left on the front page. Maybe he ‘DIGS’ America. But does he Robbie –- DOES HE???” –Dennis Jimenez
“Meanwhile, the guys from the TSA and customs continue pursuing the wall crawler to find out whether he has any fruit to declare.” –aphthakid
“Is he? #slatepitch” –Frippin in the Krotz
“‘I don’t care WHAT the New York Post says about him, I don’t believe Spidey’s in league with the Sandinistas!’ NEXT: OR IS HE?” –Chyron HR
“Just a list of names to thank … starting with all the abusive parents, gang-bangers, and drug dealers, without whom there would be no troubled teens in need of a place like Promise Haven! Thank you, dregs of society, for giving me a reason to get up in the morning!” –Perky Bird
Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:
- Weapon Brown: Weapon Brown is a graphic novel in the post-apocalyptic genre, with something extra: the entire cast is drawn from the history of newspaper comics! All of your favorite funny page friends from Charlie Brown to Ziggy are featured as mutants, mercenaries, or some other variety of wasteland badass, all wrapped up in a thrilling action parody! The Kickstarter is now into its stretch goal where every pledge could be the one that doubles the size of the book to a mega-sized 400-pages!
To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s mobile version or RSS feed, click here.
Hello all! Just a brief note that if you will be in the Baltimore area in November you will have not one but two opportunities to see me do standup comedy! Here are the details (links to Facebook events, you should be able to see the info at least even if you are not a Facebook user):
- On Monday, November 4 (that’s this coming Monday!) I’ll be doing in a group show that’s part of the Charm City Fringe Fest. It’s a group of very funny Baltimore comedians organized and hosted by the great Stavros Halkias. The show is free, and is a great excuse to drink booze and eat the best pizza in Baltimore (no lie) on a Monday. Doors at 8:30, show starts around 9.
- On Saturday, November 16, I’ll be in a show organized by the great Michele Wojo at Sully’s Comedy Cellar in Parkville. There’ll be both improv and standup for your amusement! Tickets are $15 and you can reserve yours online. Show’s at 8:30. This is a clean show, so feel free to bring anyone who hates swear words. (The November 4 show will literally consist of nothing but jokes about genitalia.)
And now, your comment of the week!
“A year is about how long it will take for the Dawn-Wants-To-Express-Herself and Tommie-Tries-Not-To-Be-Boring twerking storylines to appear in Mary Worth and Apartment 3G — two years for Jack Elrod to figure out a wilderness/environmental angle on the subject — three years for the word ‘TWERK’ to inexplicably appear on someone’s t-shirt in a ’90s Archie. (Anyone who remembers the Frank McLaughlin era will recall that Gil Thorp was once nothing but twerking.)” –David Lynch’s Pompadour
And your runners up! Very funny!
“I’m sure Heathcliff used to make some kind of intuitive sense.” –C. Sandy Cyst
“My favorite aspect of this strip is the shrunken, boxy-looking extra who hobbles through the scene in the last panel in order to remind us what ‘regular people’ actually look like. ‘Don’t mind me, girlies. I’m just trying to get back to my table before my brisket gets cold. These cruises … so expensive, am I right? You go on with your little scene. Now where has Harold gone? Harold, that’s my husband, you see. He’s wandered off somewhere. HAROLD! Oh, I’m sorry, missy. I didn’t see you were on the phone there.’” –Joe Blevins
“Mark is awfully nonchalant about the fact that his little scam has misfired and resulted in the death of one of its targets. Especially since he still doesn’t know what nefarious secret they were trying to hide. Maybe Johnny and the Senator are lovers? Maybe they were working a long con, trying to actually save the wilderness by going undercover? Eh, he’s dead now, so I guess it doesn’t matter. Now how about some pancakes!? Speaking of pancakes, you should see how flat those corpses at the bottom of the mountain are!” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box
“Hmm, one student riddled with anxiety having a nervous breakdown, another student content to have bubble gum slopping up his face. I think its time we re-examined the No Child Left Behind Act and possibly amend it to the Okay, Lets Be Realistic Act.” –Chareth Cutestory
“To be fair, illiterate pluggers are unaware that this is not actually how you read books.” –Guillaume de Machaut
“Using the flower petals for scale, I’d guess that bee is about four inches long. Sting Jeffy, mutant Terror Bee! He’s right there!” –Duke of Earl Grey
“A sign that just says ‘Halloween’ and not ‘Happy Halloween’ is probably a big seller in the Funkyverse.” –nescio
“‘How does a father tell his daughter that the man she loves is no good?’ ‘Oh, Dad, all I have to do is look at your voting record … oh, did you mean Johnny?’” –Christopher
“This must be set before Martha Stewart got all crafty, or else once she got out of stir. Albert Brooks is really in for it this time.” –Little Blue Bicycle
“I do believe ‘Oh, Great!’ is the accepted universal response to hearing that Rex Morgan and his wife are coming to dinner.” –Digger
“No-one realizes that Apple Mary is still running the streets (how else does she afford Charterstone and all her victory tours?) Now, she’s known as ‘the Artful Codger.’” –Maltmasher
“The Adventures of Inkwell Trying To Figure Out If Toni’s Brother is Supposed To Be Unsympathetic Or Not continue! They’ve been dull.” –Inkwell
“Meanwhile, back in Riverdale, for the crime of proclaiming himself #1 and placing himself over our Dear Leader, Moose is led away by the secret police.” –Voshkod
Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertiser, who has sponsored the mobile version of the site this week:
- Help teens with depression: Think it’s right for teenagers to feel like the Lockhorns every day? This is a reality. Help end it by supporting A Bold Choice Theatre Company’s IndieGoGo fundraiser! Let’s get teenagers with depression the help they need!
To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s mobile version or RSS feed, click here.
