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Metapost: Let’s get ready to COTW

Hello, all! Here is your comment of the week!

“Just bear with me a moment while I don my signature red jacket to deliver my trenchant non-sequitur … Oh yeah, THAT’S the stuff … It’s Good To Be The Crank!” –Adam Menendez

And here are your hilarious runners up!

A3G: “I haven’t been keeping up but do the hair colors of the two talking people continue to see-saw from black to white then from white to black, while their conversations have remained delightfully colored like smokey fog?” –tallyHO

“I’m not sure that’s even an award that Gen. Halftrack is receiving. I think the official just tore off a piece of the bunting that’s hanging behind him. If he really wanted to do Halftrack a solid, he could give him his toupee.” –Pozzo

“I’m noting Marvin’s dad launches the grill upward, by lighting it at the top. Is he so bad at grilling that his attempt, instead of the expected exothermic reaction, ignited an introthermic reaction, which is a word I just made up to describe an explosive anti-fire, powerful enough to launch the grill into space?” –Jenny Creed

“What’s with the bawdy grin and knowing hat tip? Is … is ‘the crew on Slumber Mountain has the fire under control there as well’ a … a euphemism? A … sexual euphemism? What has the crew on Slumber Mountain actually been DOING this whole time, dear God?” –Jack loves comics

“ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE HANK TOLLS (I mean, it’s Neddy, obviously).” –Paul Acciavatti, on Facebook

Early middle age warrior fights late middle age knight for 20th century snack! This is what the UFC is going to look like once they invent time travel.” –pugfuggly

“That’s not a safety helmet in panel 1. That’s a capello romano, beloved hat of Father Guido Sarducci and other Catholic clergy. Who knew the Vatican had its own hotshot forest-fire-fighting squad, ready to airdrop anywhere in the world at a prayer’s notice? They also do exorcisms. *koff*Rusty*koff*” –Bruce Arthurs

How are you doing, Adam? Well, you’re trying to woo your ex-girlfriend with your Ed Koch impression. How do you think you’re doing?” –Green Luthor

‘Didn’t you like the hot air balloon, hilltop restaurant or amusement park ride?’ Adam cursed himself for using the Mad Lib date planner.” –Steve S

“If standing next to someone cool and waiting for external validation is not in fact the way to achieve coolness then I’m just finding out I completely wasted four years of high school.” –Scootermark

“I’m digging the implied diss on his wife. ‘Oh, HER crummy superhero movies, ha ha, don’t even need to spare a thought balloon for those. Harry’s a better actor than she’ll ever be.’” –Laura

“It’s funny because Herb drinks his coffee from a previous thrift store find, someone’s old weed stash canister.” –nescio

Hey! … Those ducks give me an idea … I wonder if Rusty has a windshield I can shit on.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“It’s debatable the extent to which Jon Arbuckle can ‘hear’ or understand Garfield’s thought balloons. But I really hope the people in Herb & Jamaal possess some form of telepathy. Otherwise, their lives and conversations are punctuated by lengthy, oddly-timed silences. Questions go unanswered. Direct addresses are seemingly ignored. It’s a cold, sad world for them. Unless, like I said, they can read each other’s thoughts … which in retrospect might be worse. You know what? Forget I said anything.” –Joe Blevins

“So Mark is finally going to release Rusty down by the lake? ‘Well, Rusty, your performance review is in. Your randomly naming wild animals is at an all-time high, but your aw-shucks-ing and gee-whiz-ing has been in decline for a while, and you haven’t managed to raise your Cloying Quotient Score, either. I know you’re trying, but that’s not the point. You haven’t even managed to get kidnapped in years! Cherry gets kidnapped punctually, each and every time she leaves Lost Forest, as per the regs. I’m sorry, Rusty, but we’re going to have to release you.’” –Hogenmogen

“I am a tad surprised that you are missing out on one essential clue to Dennis’s threat level here: the color of that spilled egg yolk! A decidedly spoiled, botulism-laden green. Dennis is preparing poisoned cookies to serve to his parents, Margaret, Mr. Wilson, and anyone else who ever done him wrong.” –Paul Di Filippo

“The principal in panel two once dreamed of a modeling career, and spent her youth mastering the perky housewife poses from the old household magazines in her grandmother’s garage. Upon discovering most of them had long-ago ceased publication, she fell back on her PHD in education. But every now and then she seizes a moment to dazzle visitors with one of those perfect poses. She was about to add ‘It’s good … and good FOR you!’ when Kelly interrupted.” –DBenson

A3G is starting to make me sad. Margo’s pugnacious dialogue, contrasted with her lackadaisical expression, makes me think that the whole world of the strip is winding down, like Westworld on dying batteries.” –lumaca morente

Greg, you fool! Don’t you realize Margo could go online and post nasty comments on your fan sites! Or post a 0% review of your movies on Rotten Tomatoes? Or give your favorite restaurants negative Yelp reviews … or she could if she had a computer which… we’ve never seen before in their apartment … so, uh … you’re pretty much okay, I guess.” –Comrade Dread

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Metapost: Comments, we got yer hot comments here

Hi all! Just FYI to those who gave in the spring fundraiser, I sent another wave of tote bags out earlier this week, so hopefully many of you will have received those by now! I am just waiting on some new magnets to finish up sending rewards. Thanks for your patience!

One thing you won’t have to wait for any longer: This week’s top comment!

“Archie looks panicked and distraught at the suggestion that his mother is easily amused. ‘Oh no! What little street cred I have is based on my mother’s legendary attitude of jaded detachment!’” –Peanut Gallery

The very funny runners up are also here for your amusement!

“The Hootin Hollerites laugh, knowing that being ‘off-grid’ will make it much easier for them to survive the inevitable collapse of society. They’re not backwards, they’re just early adopters for the post-apocalypse!” –TheDiva

“Unsurprisingly, Thel prepares for the annual disappointment of Mother’s Day with enough quaaludes to keep her off the ground for weeks. She’s been talking to that dial tone for hours now.” –pugfuggly

“TERRY FEELS *JOY* DAMMIT THIS IS A JOYFUL FACE DO YOU HEAR” –Paul Acciavatti, on Facebook

“I never noticed it before, but going on appearances alone, Ruff might be Dennis’ real father. Dennis is not only a menace but also the unholy dogboy spawn of beast and man, an abomination that consists mostly recessive genes.” –sporknpork

“Terry Bryson is a personal security genius. She’s been stuck with this obsessive stalker. Restraining orders mean nothing to him: with his training, he comes and goes in the wind. Physical violence just vindicates him, as we’ve seen him wear his crippling for the Senator as a badge of honor. No, the best way to shake him is to be the biggest asshole you can. Get him in as many situations as you can where you get to yell WHEE! in his ear. Ugh.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I’m glad to see, though, that the prospect of the dishes doesn’t stop Mary from eating dinner during the geezer-approved dinner hour of 4 to 5 pm, just as though she were living in that waiting-to-die place up the street with Sean and whatshername.” –sally

“Ah, the most terrifying of coasters, the one that travels in a gentle arc that is all but indiscernible from a straight line. Maybe he was ughing out of sheer boredom.” –Matthew

RMMD: “Why the fuck is the mob moll’s lawyer suddenly on an anti-bullying crusade? Does he realize that the money he is paid by Mrs. Pierpont is raised almost exclusively through bullying?” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Pluggers have the same understanding of adult terms and relationships as the Keane Kids. Did one species mutate from the other, or is this an example of convergent evolution?” –Droopy Says

“Occam’s Razor, Josh. It’s possible that Herb’s carpet is littered with corpses, but the more elegant explanation is that Herb’s wife will straight up murder him if he doesn’t put down his coffee and do some damn housework for a change.” –wonkeythemonkey

“Pluggers frequently reject federal safety net programs, despite workplace conditions that can shear a rhino’s finger clean off his hand.” –Dan

Mary Worth: “My new favorite character is Uncaring Carny in the first panel. How many times a day does he have to listen to some pathetic guy try to prove his manhood by ‘winning something’ for his lady friend? Yeah, buddy, she’s gonna want to have sex with you once you hand her that pink, badly stuffed, made-in-China, highly flammable tiger or lion or whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be. And she’ll act as though he’s gone out and slain that tiger himself instead of forking over a buck and scoring a lucky pitch. And after a day of that bullshit, Uncaring Carny will go back to his greasy trailer, pop open a cheap beer, and jack off to thoughts of that one chick with the tube top that kept slipping down, and he’ll drift off to sleep still sitting in that fourth-hand broken recliner, hoping someday to get promoted to running the Tilt-a-Whirl, where the guys have contests to see how many little kids they can make puke up their cotton candy.” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“I didn’t know Heathcliff could get angry. He’s normally only capable of but one emotion: ‘psychotically whimsical.’” –Jack loves comics

“Ma Keane watched Billy as he carefully chose from the identical bags of spinach, a wretched pun clearly forming in his melon head like a distant storm forms on the horizon. ‘I could do it here, just crush him with a sack of potatoes, nobody would ever know. Oh officer it was terrible, the shelves fell right on him. I’d be free. Finally free.’” –Escape Zeppelin

“No hard feelings? Not bloody likely. True Standish is so ashamed, he’s contemplating the priesthood. Look, he’s already wearing the top half of the outfit, and besides, is there a more mellifluous title than Reverend Standish? I think not!” –made of wince

“Grampy may have forgotten what year he and his wife were married, but as panel two demonstrates, he’ll never forget how to ‘walk like an Egyptian.’ Man, the ’80s were a crazy decade in Hootin’ Holler. So much coke. That’s why Grampy looks so haggard. He’s actually only in his mid-50s.” –Joe Blevins

“He knows, Lukey thought. He knows everything. About the little plot of ground behind the cabin where he kept his still. About the missing government revenuers. About the missing tourists who spoke fancy like a government revenuer. His sadness that his best friend would soon join them was overwhelming.” –Comrade Dread

“Ya know, the truth, Lukey. I am yer father!!’ ‘Nay!!!! That’s nary possible!’ ‘Look in yer innards. Ya know is dang true!’” –Little Blue Bicycle

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Mid-May COTW

Many funny comments this week, but this one was my top pick!

“Dolly knows that even with her bundlers she’s going to need to rely on soft money if she has any hope of unseating the incumbent Thel, who has a hefty war chest and the support of the high-waisted slacks lobby. Pretty sure this conversation with Jeffy qualifies as illegal coordination of campaign activity, though.” –Shoe Substitute

And yet I mentioned the many other funny ones, didn’t I? Here they are!

“I can already see the headlines: BILLIONAIRE POWER-COUPLE FOUND DEAD AT RANCH OF APPARENT HEART ATTACKS! RANCH OWNER TO INHERIT ENTIRE FORTUNE! ‘NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT AT ALL’, SAY POLICE!” –pugfuggly

“Don’t worry, Max will have his revenge. Judging from the strange angle and lack of diffusion or flickering, that’s not really Max’s shadow — it’s a hell-dimension ghost-demon that will make sure ‘every word’ of Max’s story comes true tonight.” –BigTed

“I love the last panel of today’s Mary Worth, to the point that I wouldn’t mind seeing it as part of every strip from now on. There’s something comforting about the thought that no matter where you are, no matter what’s happening, somewhere, someone’s taking a ride in a hot air balloon and thoroughly enjoying themself.” –Enlong

“I may not know much about art, but I know it isn’t drawing hydroencephalitic five year olds that look like Newt Gingrich.” –Mikey

“Whoa, there, Voiceover Box! BETTER SWITCH TO DECAF!” –boojum

“I still insist that Sarah is not a child at all but rather folksy NPR humorist Garrison Keillor in a very bad wig.” –Joe Blevins

“Speaking of leadership, when do I get to be the Phantom? Do I have to kill you?” –Liam

“I saw the Rex Morgan strip right after the Judge Parker one and was confused/outraged that there were two of the same stupid soap strips in one day. I’m pretty convinced that despite the two separate ‘storylines’ they’re really just the same bland rich white people who never actually have to do the jobs in their titles. I’ve only devoted enough space in my brain for unholy hybrid Rex Parker, JD, and I’m comfortable with that.” –Revenge of Chestnut

This whole thing is starting to make my HEAD hurt! But not as much as my arm right now. Dear God, how am I doing this?” –Jack loves comics

‘This whole thing is starting to make my head hurt!’ Well, tough luck, Spidey. That blanket is staying modestly clutched about MJ’s clavicle until you answer her riddles three.” –Tonya

There’s a fantastic place I want us to check out! It’s called a barn. Do you like eggs? Ever tried ’em raw? How about sucking milk straight from a cow’s udder? Since we’ve been apart I’ve totally gotten into the whole locavore thing.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I’m pretty sure Sarah’s neck is getting narrower with each passing day. Apparently her oversized head is devouring the rest of her body.” –dmsilev

“As a three-year old I was chased by a homicidal flock of geese for no reason at all, so ‘aaah geese’ is the first line in Mark Trail I can truly relate to.” –C. Sandy Cyst

Evil? I’m coming, Gabby! But to be honest, you had me at ‘dangerous.’” –Hogenmogen

“That was so exciting my human skin mask almost came off!” –TheDiva

‘Monies’? Prithee, methinks Dolly hath been left in front of Shakespeare ’pon the television.” –Horace Boon

“Someone needs to splice the hot air balloon that’s carrying boring ex-cop #1 (female) and boring ex-cop #2 (male) from Monday’s Mary Worth into the last panel of today’s Mark Trail. We could all then imagine, with joy and satisfaction, the last words of the boring ex-cops as ‘Aahhh! Geese!’ as their anserine assaulters take down the hot air balloon in a welter of blood, feathers, and flame.” –Voshkod

“There’s some serious ‘Check these out!’/’Oh, I am’ action going in panel three, which Dashell is totally missing.” –Pozzo

“I’m not in the movie business, but isn’t it traditional for the actress and the stunt double to have the same colored hair?” –But What Do I Know

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.