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Comics archive! metaposts

Metapost: Enjoy some comments of the week!

Good morning! Would you like to read this week’s top comment? Well, here you go! Have at it!

“I question the split-window design on the back door of that yellow sedan. ‘Ride in style with one window that can’t possibly roll down and another no more than a few inches wide in your new 1993 Oldsmobuick!’” –Ed Dravecky (on Facebook)

Oh, also, would you like to read the runners-up, which are also funny? Go to town!

“Context is vital here. At work, Leroy’s younger, more hirsute, not-yet-defeated-by-life coworker came bounding up to him with the news that he was going to ask his longtime girlfriend to marry him. Leroy didn’t even look up from his computer. ‘Mmm-hmmm,’ he said in a disinterested voice. ‘Listen, before you do that, why don’t you stop by our house this weekend?’ When his coworker asked why, Leroy just said something about ‘instructing’ him. The moment depicted in this panel is from Hour 5 of that instruction. The coworker’s heavy, heavy eyelids mean the process is working.” –Joe Blevins

“The Number 2 on his shirt is a clue as to what he did, the naughty boy.” –debussy fields

Mary Worth: “‘Too many parents think of their children as an inconvenience,’ says the woman whose lack of any immediate family leaves her endless time to meddle in others’ lives, as she lounges poolside in her idyllic beach-town condo complex and considers another serving of lemonade and cookies.” –BigTed

“Hey, kid. The guy who coaches your team had an ambulance parked next to the field so that he could make a joke about how shitty the team is. Do you know how much an ambulance costs? Couldn’t you just die of embarrassment? No? How about if I told you the guy he’s talking to isn’t stoned and hasn’t had a stroke, that dopey look on his face is a smirk. And his name is Les Moore — Les Moore, a pun, get it? Now do you want to die of embarrassment?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You want to eat out? Bring it up a couple hours before someone cooks for you. ‘This is No-Win City, and politeness is on my alderman’s agenda! Oh man, here come the traffic laws of basic civility!’” –Dan

“Cower in terror, O ye dogs of the street, for the Day of Judgement is upon you! For behold, the Angel of the Lord is astride his Pale Horse, blowing his trumpet! Today you shall account for all your sins, ye mongrels of the gutter!” –Perky Bird

“Pluggers don’t recognize eye parasites until it’s too late. They also have great fun with their fleas, ticks, and guinea worms. ‘Ah, look at ’em, poking his head out from my skin. He thinks he’s a plugger!’” –Voshkod

“I think the EPA might have this one right. Bonfires that black out the sun and turn day into night can’t possibly be good for the ecology.” –Brad

“If Olive were still with Mary, she could have warned Mary in time to prevent the accident. Where is your all-seeing tummy brain now?” –AhClem

“We can’t talk about it now, Carol! There are readers present!” –Cloudbuster

“Most comic characters have 4 sausage-like fingers on each hand. I can deal with this cartoonish simplicity. Beetle Bailey’s Cookie reduces this number to 3. In a few years, the strip will be inhabited by characters whose arms end in a flesh mitten. And from there, perhaps a singular, floppy knob to wrap around equally minimally drawn objects of indiscriminate purpose.” –hogenmogen

We did all we could, Mark, but I’m afraid he’s gone! As soon as we turned our backs, he jumped out the window, stole one of the cars, and drove off, screaming something about ‘one-horned bastards’. Can you break the news to his lady friend?” –Enlong

“Mark Trail does not mourn. He merely closes his eyes, and somewhere, an eagle weeps.” –Jack loves comics

“Something was missing. Compassion. I spent all day emptying bed pans and dealing with sick people and their really gross diseases and festering injuries, and did I hear one word of sympathy from Margo or Lu Ann? No. How could anyone be that self-absorbed?” –cheech wizard

That sounds more romantic than ‘Rotovirus Quarantine.’” –Kevin on Earth

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Fully Californian comments of the week

Hello all! I hope that you feel that I’ve been doing a decent job of mocking the comics from the opposite side of the country from where I had been previously mocking them. You all continue to do a good job with the funny comments, as it turns out! Like this top comment from the week, for instance:

Calm Dennis is so spooky. ‘You’ve discovered my secret, Mother. Congratulations. Yes, I like to watch vintage lumberjack romances on Turner Classic Movies sometimes. Tell Father if you’d like. I don’t care one way or the other. And now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to return to Ardor Amid the Pines please.’” –Joe Blevins

And these hilarious runners up!

I’m really glad you’re home, Hemingway. I call you ‘Hemingway’ because you remind me of him. You both have smaller than average penises and it’s only a matter of time before you kiss the business end of a shotgun. And you both like cats!” –gelded wildebeeste

Who hired me? Alaistair Z. Footfieldmanstein, on accounts that they were rivals to win this year’s ‘Dumbest Fucking Name in Comics’ award.” –Comrade Dread

“I’d submit to Pluggers too, if they’d expand their repertoire of Dr. Moreau-beast-people a bit more, instead of the regular dog-men, bear-men and chicken-women. For example, there would be one where the caption was ‘The Plugger Web.’ where the picture was of a massive, Shelob-like spider-plugger in a John Deere hat, ensnaring a horrified fly-man in its massive web.” –Jack loves comics

“It’s almost like Dennis the Menace the comic needs a talk about good attention/bad attention more than Dennis the Menace the child. Depicting a 5-year-old watching porn on the family TV in front of his mom will probably get you some letters, but they’re not the kind of letters you want! There are better ways to get us to notice you, like jokes!” –Alex Blaze

“Just how far does Dagwood’s food obsession extend, anyway? Cause I’m wondering if Blondie just has to do the 9 1/2 Weeks thing to get him interested, or if she needs to go all-out and dress like a comically oversized sandwich.” –TheDiva

Mary Worth: “So just to recap this adventure’s moral: Don’t listen to your parents, kids. Listen to angels, faeries, and the small lump of neurons in your digestive tract. And Mary of course, always listen to MARY.” –pugfuggly

Mark Trail: “And Chekhov’s Rhinoceros finally leaps off the mantlepiece … and into our hearts.” –Shrug

“At the mention of the guv’mint, the kids switched holding their pencils from writing tool into holding them as stabbing tools. Yes, they are learning everything there is to teach at Hootin’ Holler High School.” –Chareth Cutestory

Hee-Hee. I’ve got a second brain in my tummy! BEFORE LUNCH IT WAS IN DOCTOR KAPUHT’S SKULL!!!” –Dr. Mabuse

“It makes me sad that he isn’t proffering a hamburger sandwich and French fried potatoes as bait, since that is the agreed upon bait of choice for American teenagers. How is he going to attract a teenager with just a comfy chair? These coddled teens have all the comfy chairs they want already. Kids today, with their hamburger sandwiches and their comfy chairs, and their loud music like the 1812 Overture. They make me sick!” –Jejune (who posted this comment on Facebook, guys did you know that I have a Facebook and you can post funny comments there too if you want)

“‘In the time I traveled here from, we loved beehives so much that we even named a women’s hairstyle after them,’ said the 1962-era government functionary as the older folks admired his glasses, mustache, crew cut, short-sleeved white shirt, rumpled black tie and pocket protector.” –BigTed

“Yes, it’ll be interesting to follow Olive’s progress as she grows up. Except that I won’t.” –A New Day

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Angelic comments of the week

EVERYBODY! I am BACK in the saddle, my saddle having been moved approximated 3,000 miles to the west by either the good people at Allied Van Lines or my wife driving our car, depending on whether you’re using the “saddle” metaphor to refer to my desk chair or my actual ass! Huge thanks to EVERYONE who contributed to the westward bound fundraiser — you’ll get individual thank-yous this coming week, probably with a reference to a specific item I’m going to buy at Ikea with the money this afternoon. And megahuge thanks to Uncle Lumpy for guest-blogging so much these past couple of months. I am back full-time now for the indefinite future, but he’s hilarious and deserves recognition and approbation. And he lovingly hand-picked some CsOTW for the past couple weeks, out of which I have hand-picked with similar love this top comment:

“I love Gil’s nameplate. No ‘Coach,’ no ‘Mr.,’ no ‘Gil.’ No complexity, layering of meaning, or beating around the bush. You, Mr. Standish, are in the presence of an elemental THORP of nature.” –Spunde

But these other comments are not to be sneezed at!

“When you’re done with ‘Words With Pals’ and ‘Scrumble,’ maybe you’d like to play some ‘Hungry Birds’ or ‘Cookie Crush Saga’ or ‘Gim Gardashian’s Gollywood Game.’” –BigTed

“When my daughter used to play Oregon Trail, her party would dwindle disturbingly through serial occurrences of the events ‘Hunting accident! Lose a party member!’ and ‘Fresh meat!’” –Cloudbuster

“Hmmm — free drinks, eh? Not bad, but if I hang out with Kapuht, I might get heroin. Decisions, decisions…” –Pozzo

“Wait, did Rocky Ledge just spontaneously grow sunglasses on his head? That counts as a super power. Was he bitten by a radioactive David Caruso?” –Joe Blevins

“I used to break hearts. Now I just break mirrors.” –gelded wildebeeste

“Even Count Weirdly can’t take this thing seriously. ‘That’s not even supposed to be a dolphin. It’s a shark, and I pulled its teeth out. I pulled the teeth out of every single shark in the ocean. Why? Because duh, I’m cruel and I don’t like shark bites. Does that matter? No. Do you even have a warrant? I doubt it!’” –made of wince

Mary Worth and Judge Parker: “Two phrases that will never escape my lips: ‘I am surprised that you have such an abiding penchant for country music!’ and ‘You know what was recently revealed about him?’” –Écureuil Écumant

“Country music? You like country music? That is the music of the poor.” –Liam

“It could be worse. Someone could paste a copy of Apartment 3-G onto a cover of ‘Action Comics’, as the ultimate act of irony.” –seismic-2

“Bear in mind people have been practically giving Holly rare and valuable comics left and right. She probably thinks that’s how it works now.” –TheDiva

“Acting on an ‘unshakeable feeling’ from ‘deep within’ is how we get all those fake quotes on Sundays. –Jean-Paul Sartre” –pastordan

“Action in Apartment 3-G? Is that a perk for premium subscribers? –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Luann seems shocked that nothing has happened. As a regular reader of Luann, I am not.” –pugfuggly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.