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Metapost: Bombs bursting in the comments of the week

I hope American Comics Curmudgeon readers enjoy their patriotic holiday weekend! And you foreigners should feel free to enjoy your non-holiday weekend as well. Either way, this comment of the week will start things off right.

“Deputy Duck there looks petrified that everyone will soon realize he’s not special like the others, just an ordinary duck dressed up in a suit. I know how you feel, Deputy Duck.” –Steve S

These runners up are exactly what our Founding Fathers dreamed of when they rebelled against the tyrannical British crown!

“When is Slylock Fox going to expose this scam? It’s in the exact center of his wheelhouse.” –A Concerned Reader

“Neddy’s going to make her fortune the old fashioned way: a) come up with a product of marginal utility, b) chisel everybody in sight to death in order to get it made and in stores, c) hope lightning strikes and it becomes popular and d) start out with a fortune.” –jim, some guy in iowa

“Are we not going to comment on the herpes? Because the thing I have against the American worker is that massive cold sore.” –Ellen Marszalkowski, on Facebook

“Normally, violations of the 180-degree rule can be corrected in the viewer’s mind by our understanding of the characters and their situation. But Adam’s frequent creepy possessiveness/rush-to-commitment means that the initial illusion that he’s the mugger is oddly plausible at first glance. ‘Perhaps’, thinks the reader’s subconscious, ‘Adam just assumes all relationships naturally progress to something like this.’” –Lenoxus

“I have to admit, I kinda respect Count Weirdly’s defiant protest of the animal justice system. ‘You want to put me in jail? I’ve already put myself in a jail much worse than anything you could throw at me! In here I get no food, no exercise, not even a hole to discretely rid myself of waste! Pretty soon I will be chocking on my own farts as I slowly succumb to oxygen deprivation, and yet I’ll still have my dignity!’” –pugfuggly

“Look at their smug faces while they figure out bond ratings and how to share water treatment options with neighboring cities while managing ever-shrinking municipal budgets and an aging city workforce needing ever more health coverage. Yep, some local stiff is just gonna waltz in here and manage five decades of pension obligations because he hit a pothole that one time.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“‘…and here is a person you’ll be working with whose name is Echo Chambers.’ Gotta come up with a put-down, quick. This is like prison, you’ve got to establish dominance or they’ll relegate you to the back office. What’s a sick burn I can give Echo Chambers, show her that I’m no one to mess with? ‘I wear really old clothes.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

That’s good, right? Means you’ll be able to move onto Chapter Six of the Kama Sutra, right? Yoga’s a sex thing, right?” –Pozzo

“And this is how we learn of Mark’s secret kink — vandalizing sharks.” –Joe Blevins

“He’s got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. Hey! There’s a shark next to him, too!” –Mikey

“While you were all distracted by Adam and his cane, someone has made off with half of Terry’s body (the good half).” –lumaca morente

Ha, ha. Are you still tying up and abandoning UPS guys?” –Dood

‘Mark, your phone is ringing!’ ‘Would you answer it, honey?’ ‘It’s your cell phone — why don’t you keep it with you, instead of leaving it lying around this enormous house we can somehow afford on an occasional nature writer’s salary?’ ‘Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting that phones don’t have cords now. But where could I put it? My shirt only has six pockets!’” –BigTed

“‘Indeed I am, Mark! I have it tied back as we speak! Is your hair still short?’ ‘Why yes it is, Ken, thanks for asking!’ ‘How about Doc? Is he still bald?’ ‘He sure is! I keep telling him he should shave the sides, but he won’t listen! What about Kelly, is she still a brunette?’ ‘Nope, blonde now, from the neck up anyway, ha-ha! Is Cherry still rocking that retro fifties thing?’ ‘Yup, Cherry is not a person who is growing her hair long…’ And so forth, for literally hours.” –Ratiocinator

“Those aren’t roots by the tree, but freshly tilled soil. Nope, that handyman won’t ever be coming back.” –Malaclypse

“Since this is the Crankenverse — the funny (for certain values of funny) part of the Funkyverse — I have to assume that in the next panel she loses control of the wheelchair, which goes careening down a steep section of road and flips over. That flowerpot she’s carrying (for some reason) smashes down on her head, killing her instantly. The last picture is her crumpled corpse with the flower sticking out of her head. Crankshaft says ‘too bad, but we always knew she was a late bloomer.’ Fin.” –Voshkod

“Is that a beach ball, or the disembodied pitch-black blue-pupiled eye of some dark God, taken as a trophy when he was defeated and slain in mortal combat? But I thought Dick was on vacation? Must just be recreational killing.” –Jack loves comics

“Yeah, you’re supposed to keep your finger outside the trigger guard when not firing (that’s why it’s called a ‘trigger guard’), but I’m pretty sure that gun’s not actually cocked — and that’s a good thing, because the cylinder clearly doesn’t line up with the barrel, so trying to fire it would do more damage to the shooter than to the target. That’s what she gets for buying a cheap, knockoff handgun. ‘No stars, Schmidt & Western! Would not buy again!’” –Paul1963

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Yeah, it’s COTW time

Hey y’all, your comment of the week in a moment, but first: I know some of you who have contributed to the spring fundraiser haven’t gotten your rewards yet. We ran short of magnets, but: more magnets are in the production process! They are coming soon! You’ll get a double dose for your trouble! Thank you for your patience!

You don’t have to be patient anymore when it comes to this week’s comment of the week:

“Also: Better lines than ‘I Jack-and-Jill’d myself’: 1. I ‘House Of Ushered’ myself. 2. I ‘Guy Who Played Columbo But Don’t Say His First Name Or the letter K’-d myself. 3. ‘I South Dakota’d Myself. You Know, Because Sioux Falls Is There? FALLS? Yes, I’ve been bought off by the South Dakota Tourism Board: South Dakota: Where Life Happens. (© 2015, South Dakota Tourism Board), For more information and travel brochures write to PO Box 9015, Sioux Falls, SD, or visit http://www.southdakota.com‘” –Briane Pagel

And the runners up are hilarious as well!

Paint the fence white, and nail it shut. Nail it shut? Nail it shut. What does that mean? Is Dennis to nail the gate shut, not only only preventing him from entering but also trapping Wilson inside? ‘Now back to my glorious lifestyle. Trapped, first by old age, second by my loathing for my neighbors, third by an actual fence that bars exit.’” –Bunivasal

“I like the honest, cheery way in which Stan Lee exclaims ‘Excelsior!’ as he ogles the Black Widow’s tits. It’s about time someone acknowledged that this story has been padded out in every possible way.” –Droopy Says

Every painting should have some emotional connection, dear! Just like every nick in your switchblade and notch in your gun should have some emotional connection. Only a monster kills without feeling.” –Voshkod

“I like the one with the circle of faces all gathered around staring down at something or someone on the floor. Did the bully from the bus punch someone? Is this painting from the perspective of one of Rex’s patients as they have a fatal heart attack? Is it a recovered memory of the tantrums that Sarah threw as a toddler before she developed her ability to mold the world to her will?” –Molly Dolan, on Facebook

“Me, if I was accosted by a dead-eyed wheelchair-bound Funkyite wielding a clipboard featuring a depressingly doomed petition to get an auxiliary character definitely not elected mayor, I would hit them in the face with a shopping bag before they could drag me down to the depths of the void with them and flee, making my way home and telling my family I love them before closing the blinds, picking up a hunting rifle and keeping a watch outside in case they came back for more. And God help me if they do, because you never shoot for central mass with a Winkerbeaner: they’re like zombies (except they’re only dead on the inside), and you have to get them in the head. Or just wait long enough that they die of a fatal disease, of course.” –Jack loves comics

“Leapin’ Lizards! That bully has reptile skin on her legs!” –Joe Momma

“Judging by the way he wields that cane, I think Adam is no longer talking about rekindling his relationship with Terry. I think he’s talking about his burgeoning career as a Vaudevillian tap dancer, single-handedly reviving the artform. That peppermint-striped tie and orange sport coat confirm it.” –Joe Blevins

“Maybe it’s time to hang up the cane, Adam. If the classic ‘Wha’chu Talkin Bout Willis?’ face doesn’t win a woman’s heart, I don’t know what will.” –made of wince

“For our next project, I want you to take over a legacy comic strip I’ve just purchased … about three young ladies in the city. Don’t worry yet about the faces, what they need first are legs.” –Myrtle

“Remember, during a fire you should all stand in the hallway waiting patiently for the elevator! Do not, I repeat, do NOT take the stairs!” –TheDiva

‘Mr. Handsome’ is not the broad-shouldered, chisel-jawed hunky guy in the tight jeans. ‘Mr. Walker’ is not the one always whining to go outside to relieve himself. They’re kind of like Iceland and Greenland.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“It’ll also take three months for the delivery. Oh, you thought because of my nickname that I’d be faster than other suppliers? No, I’m called King Speedy because I ejaculate prematurely. Did it just now. That’s why I’m so sweaty. Hoo boy. I gotta sit down!” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Dennis spends a lot of time sitting in the corner. Of course he wishes the walls could talk. Or better still, stream video.” –lumaca morente

“I can’t wait to see the headline. ‘SENILE MAN RUNS FOR MAYOR OF SHITTY TOWN! YES, I MEAN THIS ONE!’” –pugfuggly

“He broke the law of gravity? So … what, he fell up? God damn it Batiuk, you have two jobs: wordplay and cancer. If you can’t even get the wordplay right, what am I supposed to do? Hope Brad DeGroot finds a lump or something? Well the joke’s on you pal, I already do that.” –Dan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: It’s the freakin’ COTW baby

EVERYBODY! IT’S TIME! TIME FOR YOUR! COMMENT! OF THE WEEK!

It’s the law and we go by the book. Now, on to our mobster masters to do our illegal paintings.” –Mibbitmaker

AND FOR YOUR RUNNERS UP! ALSO HILARIOUS!

“Look at what the feminists have done to Little Shop of Horrors!” –Mad Kev: Fury Tweets, on Twitter

“What constitutes a hot date among the laboring classes in this strip? A dinner of crusts spread with bacon grease, followed by a walk, and tossing pebbles in the pond? Or will there be an expedition to poach the Spencer deer?” –Ukulele Ike

“A faker herself, our ersatz Tooth Fairy knows how to spot another ‘tourist.’ This supposed homeless man sports an obviously-manicured chinbeard and begs for spare change via the lyrics of an 85-year-old song. So does he really need the money, or is this all part of some bullshit performance art thing? Well, let’s call his bluff and find out, eh?” –Joe Blevins

“Just what kind of coded message will little 7-year-old Billy have to send out of the Keane Kompound before Child Protective Services decides to step in? A picture of Dolly holding a flaming log with the punny caption ‘Dolly is a torch-erer’? Dolly on a stage in front of an audience doing stand-up with the explanation, ‘Dolly is going to kill us all?’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Gazing into Sarah’s hair in that second panel makes it clear that Sarah in fact has no permanent physical form. She is simply a manifestation of the darkest abyss, a hole in the fabric of space-time that walks and plots for its own inscrutable purpose. To truly contemplate her is to gaze into the dark nothing that exists in the empty spaces between galaxies. It is more than the absence of substance, it is the true opposite of substance. What eon-spanning, unfathomable thoughts cross this void, we can kneel in thankful prayer that we can never know.” –G’Quan

“But … but … ‘bon appétit’ is something the server says after presenting the meal but he’s still ordering and also what could that possibly mean coming from a patron to a server JESUS CHRIST BERNARD WHITACRE OF LEECHBURG PENN WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THE WAITRESS. Something vile about ‘bone’ and ‘tit’ and you just had to tell someone, didn’t you. Because a crime nobody sees is no crime at all.” –Paul Acciavatti, on Facebook.

A3G: “I feel like we dodged a bullet here. For a minute, I thought the plot might unfold in a sensible way, with Lu Ann saying something like ‘I’m attracted to that bald fellow at Martin’s Aparthotel who thought I was a hooker.’ But no, just a random statement about quitting a job she loves. Tommie can go back to growing her hair out now.” –Gabacho

“I choose to believe that, in the Plugger-verse, the French are all poodles and pronounce it BONE appetit.” –Drewbear

Checking EMAIL? Doesn’t this poor sap know that, canonically, we are presently sometime in the 1910s, and we’re still decades behind the ELECTRONIC COMMUNICATION? Heck and a half, what is he doing, disrupting the chronological flow of linear time? He sure is driving me to the brink of insanity! What is now? When is yesterday? Is anything real? At least one thing’s for sure: fuck modern progression, fuck it in the ear, Jesus Christ!” –Jack loves comics

“I like how Marvin has gone meta to keep up with the changing tastes of readers that grew up giggling at his plebeian poop jokes. Eyes heavy with middle class ennui, Marvin’s family delivers a scathing rebuke of the former genre while launching us into a new world where self deprecation and plaid shirts abound while fourth walls are obliterated with Jim Halpert-esque stares.” –Tonya

“Killer laughs, a weird, hollow laugh. It’s an imitated, fake laugh. The kind you use to punctuate thoughts you learned long ago not to share. ‘One Killer is good. Two Killers … two Kllers would be perfect.’” –bunivasal

“Where exactly is her left arm? Has it merged into her right? I hope so. Margo will not be happy about the Lovecraftian beast suddenly wearing Tommie’s hair. If she even notices.” –Tim Monteith, on Facebook

“My new theory is that since the people in A3G have no lower bodies, they’re all resting on a conveyor belt. This is why they can start a conversation in a hotel, then end up in the apartment, and, today, slide from the living room into the kitchen, all while seemingly not moving.” –aphthakid

“Tommie’s rebuffed yawn-arm around the shoulder in panel one tells me she really misunderstood last week’s ‘It feels very sudden, but it feels right.’ Her come-hither smile in panel two tells me she’s still not getting it. That’s okay, though. ‘I’m still not getting it’ is pretty much Tommie’s motto in life.” –Dan

“Because baby squirrels make the best bait for tiger sharks, honey!” –Kevin on Earth

‘Cool … what happened to her clothes?’ ‘Oh, child, you can’t dip a snitch in molten bronze while they’re still wearing clothes! I see you have much to learn about body disposal.’” –Voshkod

“And Kelly asked him, ‘Ken, why is it during the hard times there are only one set of footprints on the sand?’ And Ken replied, ‘It was then that I left you to go out and stab sharks in the heart and cut off their fins to make some bitchin’ soup.’” –Comrade Dread

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.