I cannot begin to express how high my anxiety level would be if I received a call or voicemail or even a text that began with the words ‘Hello, [INSERT NAME HERE], this is Mary Worth…’ Sweating bullets about why my name is not in bold but ‘hello’ and her name are.” –Drew, on Bluesky

“Me seeing a maladjusted character spying on Gil Thorp from a distance and judging him and building elaborate scenarios about him to distract himself from the problems of his life: ‘So relatable!’” –Ettore Costa, on Bluesky

“I’ve always loved that social interaction where someone is trying to stir up curiosity — in this case the cryptic mention of ‘my side business’ — hoping to draw the other party in. In this case, Sharon realizes immediately just how little Mary Worth meant by ‘How are you?’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“‘It’s about your father’ is usually a lead-in to him being dead, which will be such a letdown to Sharon when it instead turns out he’s squandering her inheritance. Maybe Sharon can persuade Mary to kill him.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Weirdly enough, I really understand Bernice’s anxiety here: an out-of-the-blue text with just ‘you available?’ is either a request to witness a passport application or an invitation to an orgy, nothing in between.” –pugfuggly

“Mary’s polyester pull-on comfort slacks will not long withstand Muffin flexing those pointy claws. Let the pilling ensue!” –Charterstoned

“Is … is getting beaten down by comic strip amazons a remarkably niche fetish? Because if so, Bogdan, God bless his concussed little soul, is in hog heaven right now.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“He had a girlfriend, now he doesn’t, and he’s upset about it. He had 200 large, now he doesn’t, and YOU should be upset about it.” –Anonymous

“I am going to be disturbed all day by the second panel’s revelation that Thirsty’s nose is a spherical lump that’s barely attached to his face. I don’t know if he has a ‘good side,’ but this view sure ain’t it.” –nescio

“Gil Thorp is engaged in reckless foreshadowing next to a bus that’s been subjected to reckless foreshortening.” –Shoe Substitutes

“After a long talk with a lawyer who was up for a challenge, Thirsty Thurston became TSquare Industries. It enjoyed corporate existence for about a year before hostile takeover by Conagra Brands, who quickly broke the corporation apart in various sales. The brains were kept by Conagra for use in scarecrows, the heart went to Rio Tinto Mining, and the ineffable courage to Amazon Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios. The liver was bought at a steep discount by Brown-Forman to be used as a filter at the Jack Daniel’s distillery.” –Voshkod

“Aren’t travel mugs the ones with lids and insulation that you take, you know, traveling? Those are mugs that have destinations on them, simple souvenirs. Thus his featureless cup is all too appropriate, as clearly he has journeyed to the Void. The Nothing is freedom in the end, guy.” –A Grave Mind

“Whoa, Los Angeles AND Las Vegas? No wonder she’s got wanderlust. Why, one day they may even dare to travel the rest of the I-15 to buy the travel mugs of that exotic Shangri-la, Salt Lake City.” –Schroduck

“That isn’t a headline on the man’s newspaper. They’re tally marks, one for each morning he’s dissociated through his wife’s existential crises.” –Lauralot

“Shoe is asking us to contemplate how and if bathrooms work in a treetop-based society, and frankly, I won’t stand for it! The only way to purge this question from my mind is to give us a viable answer! Most birds can’t really control when and where they poop, so I assume the avian beings in this strip fly around for a while when they think ‘nature’s call’ is upon them. Maybe they have an elaborate timekeeping system based on their most recent meal, or maybe it’s just a feeling deep inside them? Either is fine. So yeah, I don’t like it, but that’s the storyline I need from you, ghost of Jeff MacNelly. Thanks!” –Victor Von

“Come to think of it, I do make use of A.I. with some frequency, but in my case, it stands for ‘Avian Idiosyncrasy!’” –Bob Tice

“[sigh] Of course the laptops in the Crankiverse are Pineapples. God damn it, they’re all got PinePods and PinePhones, don’t they? Either that or this is a brand of, I dunno, ‘Individual Computer’ where the best-known commercial is a guy with frosted tips exclaiming, ‘Dude, you’re getting a Dole!’ (I hate that joke too, everybody.)” –els

“The young woman looks up from her tablet, then back down, then smiles. Target confirmed. Jughead feels bad about luring Archie here, and worse about using such inane patter to stall for time, but he really needs the money, and Archie only needs one kidney anyway.” –Abram Beazer

“I find today’s strip pretty funny, although not for the intended reason (and to be quite honest I’m not completely sure there is an intended reason it’s funny). Hi’s just so sad about the death of elevator music. ‘It used to be they would pump in least-common-denominator trash whether you wanted it or not, and you had to listen to it for the duration of the ride! Now we all carry amazing futuristic devices that let us hear exactly the kind of music we want to hear instead! It fucking sucks!’” –Vulpes

“Even the cat is anxious to see the expression on her face when she learns her sole inheritance will be an antique ascot collection.” –Dennis Jimenez

“At last, Mary’s plan is revealed. Here we thought it was about the immorality of online dating, or penetrating Harv’s delusions about his fake girlfriend, or getting back the money since it’s just unfair some people could give away $200,000 and get nothing for it. But no, it was the daughter all along. An adult woman having a busy life in another city doesn’t have all the time in the world for her widowed father? That won’t do. Doesn’t she realize he’s lonely? Time for them to reconnect.” –Amelie Wikström

“Hi and Lois, the comic strip about bipolar disorder, is definitely in a ‘depression’ phase lately, huh.” –a.

“I’m not sure which is funnier, the idea of Mary Worth having the fraud site memorized and ready to go at all times, or the idea of her memorizing it in a frenzy just before visiting Harvey. ‘Okay, report dash fraud dash FT — wait, no, report dot fraud dash — run it by me again one more time, Toby?’ –Austria

“It’s to provide Sarge with a cover story. ‘I was … looking at porn! Drowning in mozzarella is a phrase the kids use now!’ Because that’s somehow, some way, less shameful than dreaming about pizza like a goddamn five-year-old.” –A Grave Mind

“The impending drama depends on where Scruffy McScrufface emerges after his incredible leap. If it’s Cambodia, he’ll have a helluva time trying to get out of the region. If it’s Charterstone, it will be even worse.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Sarge was sleeping in that position because he’ll be damned if acid reflux will keep him from eating in bed.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Pluggers haven’t noticed that the IRS stopped taking manually filled in paper forms because God hasn’t granted them the serenity to accept that things change.” –nescio

“March Madness for pluggers is when they come out of hibernation and their annual hormonal heat cycle kicks in, and they spend one month fighting other males and furiously rutting with any equally hormonal mate who comes within sniffing distance, before heading out to find a den and mark new territory.” –Schroduck

“I think Mary might be quite literally be talking about ‘backup’ here. Tomorrow the Santa Royale police will roll up and take poor Harney to jail for being stupid. Not really constitutional but the police chief just loves Mary’s muffins.” –pugfuggly

“Good to see Judge Parker getting back to uncut ‘Idle rich people on their vast estates whine about how their every desire is not satisfied.’” –matt w

“In all seriousness, I think Mary’s going to bring in Widower Hart’s daughter (Sharon? Barbara? Something like that). Somehow this will lead to a reconciliation between her and her father, and not with her having him declared mentally incompetent and shipped to a home while she gets power of attorney over his apparently vast fortune.” –TheDiva

“The only possible backup that Mary would consider is Mary herself. Time to head down to the basement lab and decant a couple more of the clones. Coming next week, the rebrand to Marys Worth.” –Dmsilev

“Troy and Hank came up through the ranks together. Matriculated at Juilliard. Got good notices as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They had big dreams when they began auditioning. But ya gotta work, and sometimes you take the gig that’s offered. Now Troy gets sweet residuals off all those toilet paper commercials, while Hank is scraping by as a regular on a one-panel strip, where he dons heavy makeup to play old and his character is married to a chicken or a kangaroo or something. They don’t have much in common anymore, and they’ll never be the friends they once were. Sad, really.” –Vice President John Adams

“Now, note that under infrared light we can see the alien parasite coiled in the chest of this young man. We turn the light off, and all is normal. Light on, and again the horrid visage of the parasite appears. Save him? Oh, no. We intend to witness the emergence of the beast during the 2 o’clock showing of Supergirl. It’s for science.” –Voshkod

“Look, pal, you’re in the wrong house. Pluggers don’t enjoy anything.” –Violet

“A character from a comic entirely devoted to bland innuendo sprained his finger on a date, and they’re just not going anywhere with that? Do your job or go home, Luann!” –Dan

“‘People have limits on which illusions they will accept.’ The parrots consuming the salad are the visual and parrotative metaphor of Toby’s literal word salad.” –Braxwell Brontë

“I appreciate that the artist has taken pains to give each parrot its own distinct plumage. But I am somewhat less appreciative of the way in which Mary and Toby have each been given their own distinctly improbable way of holding a cell phone.” –Guts Dozier

“Boys! No need to quarrel! You’re both unlikable in your own way.” –Victor Von

“Cookie, that’s not a compliment. It’s just … a fact. A fact about his dating life. Do you respond to all facts this way? ‘I’m five foot ten.’ Aww, sweet! ‘It’s going to rain tomorrow.’ You’re so nice! ‘The body was found in an advanced state of decomposition.’ I’m blushing!” –els

“What could Leroy and Loretta possibly have affixed to the front of their refrigerator? It’s not pictures of their non-existent kids, and I doubt if it’s ‘Hang In There Baby; Friday’s Coming’ memes. Divorce lawyer phone numbers? Funeral home ads?” –Pozzo

“Come on, Loretta: Why would you go to all the fuss of building an improvised explosive device? It’s a Le Creuset, probably weighs more than a Buick, just drop it on him!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“‘Hah, good one!’ is what you’d say to your 4-year-old nephew who just botched a knock-knock joke. Mae Mae has been cloistered from reality for too long.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Ever notice that Blondie’s chair (the one she’s always doing sudoku puzzles in while facing away from everyone and everything else in the room) is always absent when she’s not sitting in it? Does she always pick it up and take it away with her whenever she gets up? Clearly when she’s not exercising her mind with puzzles, she immediately goes into strength training mode.” –Rover Berkeley

“Does Blondie really just do one load of laundry every spring? Is Dagwood wearing horrible food splattered clothes all year, or does he have 365 different tuxedos to wear to the office every day?” –Schroduck

“Is Mud still eating breakfast, or is he just hanging around the motel’s cafe all day? If you were this eager to see a familiar face, Fergus, you could literally just go home and visit your mom.” –Victor Von

“Those towering, windowless walls can’t possibly be their real houses. For their insolence, Dagwood and Herb have been condemned to offer tribute to the Twin Obelisks. Dag pleaded with Blondie for mercy — whenever he stood beneath the Flesh Spire’s looming gaze, the nameless hunger grew greater within him, that void only comically oversized sandwiches could fill. For a time. But Blondie was implacable. ‘Should’ve done the laundry-robics,’ she said, coldly, as Dagwood wailed.” –Navigator

“My new favorite Slylock Fox character is the Cash-Only Shoe-Billed Stork. Fuck off, Max!” –nescio

“Can it really ever be a good day when you apparently live in a liminal hell dimension of featureless grey surfaces stretching off into the horizon?” –ectojazzmage

“They say if you sit under the bodhi tree long enough, you can escape the world of Sargesara.” –But What Do I Know?

“And once again, Beetle Bailey reaches into the Uniform Code of Military Justice as our titular E-1 violates Article 83 (malingering) and continues, against all odds, to violate Article 104a (fraudulent enlistment). Since the Court Martial can’t reduce an E-1 in rank, we can only hope for a long term of imprisonment, a fine, and/or death. And given that the strip started as a college strip, has worn out its welcome as an Army strip, maybe it’s time to switch over to a prison strip. Leavenworth, featuring Beetle Bailey, your time has come.” –Voshkod

“I got it! Sven! You look like you would have been a cool guy sometime around the 1990s, which is extremely current for the funny pages. You probably fuck, right?” –Dan

“Neither ‘Rolex’ nor ‘Rolodex’ is spelled with an ‘a,’ you monsters.” –matt w

“‘What happened with her and her surgery?’ Woah, that’s a HIPAA violation, buddy!” –Ettorre

“Skipping the muffins and going straight to the casserole. Mary ain’t playin’.” –TK

“Mae Mae’s expression makes it clear that Mud will be needing that hand for himself tonight. I hope he can get a good wank with those misshapen fingers.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Dagwood’s words say proud! but his face says blah. Meanwhile just offstage, a director is frantically waving his arms, mouthing the words, ‘Sell it! Sell it!’” –Hibbleton

“‘Yes, she must love being an empty nester,’ Hi affirms. A pause. They breathe in the fresh air, relaxed smiles on their faces. ‘…Say, do you think Trixie’s still okay in the house while we’re out here?’ ‘Shhh.’ Hi pats Lois’ hand. ‘Remember the bird’s happy song. Let’s just stay out here a half hour more and … see what happens.’” –Chance

“Pluggers sing with their mouths wide open into the shower stream because they know it’s the only hydration they will get all day that isn’t coffee or alcohol. [Thanks to Tabby Lavalamp, Edmonton, Alberta]” –Tabby Lavalamp