“I’m not sure which is funnier, the idea of Mary Worth having the fraud site memorized and ready to go at all times, or the idea of her memorizing it in a frenzy just before visiting Harvey. ‘Okay, report dash fraud dash FT — wait, no, report dot fraud dash — run it by me again one more time, Toby?’ –Austria

“It’s to provide Sarge with a cover story. ‘I was … looking at porn! Drowning in mozzarella is a phrase the kids use now!’ Because that’s somehow, some way, less shameful than dreaming about pizza like a goddamn five-year-old.” –A Grave Mind

“The impending drama depends on where Scruffy McScrufface emerges after his incredible leap. If it’s Cambodia, he’ll have a helluva time trying to get out of the region. If it’s Charterstone, it will be even worse.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Sarge was sleeping in that position because he’ll be damned if acid reflux will keep him from eating in bed.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Pluggers haven’t noticed that the IRS stopped taking manually filled in paper forms because God hasn’t granted them the serenity to accept that things change.” –nescio

“March Madness for pluggers is when they come out of hibernation and their annual hormonal heat cycle kicks in, and they spend one month fighting other males and furiously rutting with any equally hormonal mate who comes within sniffing distance, before heading out to find a den and mark new territory.” –Schroduck

“I think Mary might be quite literally be talking about ‘backup’ here. Tomorrow the Santa Royale police will roll up and take poor Harney to jail for being stupid. Not really constitutional but the police chief just loves Mary’s muffins.” –pugfuggly

“Good to see Judge Parker getting back to uncut ‘Idle rich people on their vast estates whine about how their every desire is not satisfied.’” –matt w

“In all seriousness, I think Mary’s going to bring in Widower Hart’s daughter (Sharon? Barbara? Something like that). Somehow this will lead to a reconciliation between her and her father, and not with her having him declared mentally incompetent and shipped to a home while she gets power of attorney over his apparently vast fortune.” –TheDiva

“The only possible backup that Mary would consider is Mary herself. Time to head down to the basement lab and decant a couple more of the clones. Coming next week, the rebrand to Marys Worth.” –Dmsilev

“Troy and Hank came up through the ranks together. Matriculated at Juilliard. Got good notices as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They had big dreams when they began auditioning. But ya gotta work, and sometimes you take the gig that’s offered. Now Troy gets sweet residuals off all those toilet paper commercials, while Hank is scraping by as a regular on a one-panel strip, where he dons heavy makeup to play old and his character is married to a chicken or a kangaroo or something. They don’t have much in common anymore, and they’ll never be the friends they once were. Sad, really.” –Vice President John Adams

“Now, note that under infrared light we can see the alien parasite coiled in the chest of this young man. We turn the light off, and all is normal. Light on, and again the horrid visage of the parasite appears. Save him? Oh, no. We intend to witness the emergence of the beast during the 2 o’clock showing of Supergirl. It’s for science.” –Voshkod

“Look, pal, you’re in the wrong house. Pluggers don’t enjoy anything.” –Violet

“A character from a comic entirely devoted to bland innuendo sprained his finger on a date, and they’re just not going anywhere with that? Do your job or go home, Luann!” –Dan

“‘People have limits on which illusions they will accept.’ The parrots consuming the salad are the visual and parrotative metaphor of Toby’s literal word salad.” –Braxwell Brontë

“I appreciate that the artist has taken pains to give each parrot its own distinct plumage. But I am somewhat less appreciative of the way in which Mary and Toby have each been given their own distinctly improbable way of holding a cell phone.” –Guts Dozier

“Boys! No need to quarrel! You’re both unlikable in your own way.” –Victor Von

“Cookie, that’s not a compliment. It’s just … a fact. A fact about his dating life. Do you respond to all facts this way? ‘I’m five foot ten.’ Aww, sweet! ‘It’s going to rain tomorrow.’ You’re so nice! ‘The body was found in an advanced state of decomposition.’ I’m blushing!” –els

“What could Leroy and Loretta possibly have affixed to the front of their refrigerator? It’s not pictures of their non-existent kids, and I doubt if it’s ‘Hang In There Baby; Friday’s Coming’ memes. Divorce lawyer phone numbers? Funeral home ads?” –Pozzo

“Come on, Loretta: Why would you go to all the fuss of building an improvised explosive device? It’s a Le Creuset, probably weighs more than a Buick, just drop it on him!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“‘Hah, good one!’ is what you’d say to your 4-year-old nephew who just botched a knock-knock joke. Mae Mae has been cloistered from reality for too long.” –Old School Allie Cat

“Ever notice that Blondie’s chair (the one she’s always doing sudoku puzzles in while facing away from everyone and everything else in the room) is always absent when she’s not sitting in it? Does she always pick it up and take it away with her whenever she gets up? Clearly when she’s not exercising her mind with puzzles, she immediately goes into strength training mode.” –Rover Berkeley

“Does Blondie really just do one load of laundry every spring? Is Dagwood wearing horrible food splattered clothes all year, or does he have 365 different tuxedos to wear to the office every day?” –Schroduck

“Is Mud still eating breakfast, or is he just hanging around the motel’s cafe all day? If you were this eager to see a familiar face, Fergus, you could literally just go home and visit your mom.” –Victor Von

“Those towering, windowless walls can’t possibly be their real houses. For their insolence, Dagwood and Herb have been condemned to offer tribute to the Twin Obelisks. Dag pleaded with Blondie for mercy — whenever he stood beneath the Flesh Spire’s looming gaze, the nameless hunger grew greater within him, that void only comically oversized sandwiches could fill. For a time. But Blondie was implacable. ‘Should’ve done the laundry-robics,’ she said, coldly, as Dagwood wailed.” –Navigator

“My new favorite Slylock Fox character is the Cash-Only Shoe-Billed Stork. Fuck off, Max!” –nescio

“Can it really ever be a good day when you apparently live in a liminal hell dimension of featureless grey surfaces stretching off into the horizon?” –ectojazzmage

“They say if you sit under the bodhi tree long enough, you can escape the world of Sargesara.” –But What Do I Know?

“And once again, Beetle Bailey reaches into the Uniform Code of Military Justice as our titular E-1 violates Article 83 (malingering) and continues, against all odds, to violate Article 104a (fraudulent enlistment). Since the Court Martial can’t reduce an E-1 in rank, we can only hope for a long term of imprisonment, a fine, and/or death. And given that the strip started as a college strip, has worn out its welcome as an Army strip, maybe it’s time to switch over to a prison strip. Leavenworth, featuring Beetle Bailey, your time has come.” –Voshkod

“I got it! Sven! You look like you would have been a cool guy sometime around the 1990s, which is extremely current for the funny pages. You probably fuck, right?” –Dan

“Neither ‘Rolex’ nor ‘Rolodex’ is spelled with an ‘a,’ you monsters.” –matt w

“‘What happened with her and her surgery?’ Woah, that’s a HIPAA violation, buddy!” –Ettorre

“Skipping the muffins and going straight to the casserole. Mary ain’t playin’.” –TK

“Mae Mae’s expression makes it clear that Mud will be needing that hand for himself tonight. I hope he can get a good wank with those misshapen fingers.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Dagwood’s words say proud! but his face says blah. Meanwhile just offstage, a director is frantically waving his arms, mouthing the words, ‘Sell it! Sell it!’” –Hibbleton

“‘Yes, she must love being an empty nester,’ Hi affirms. A pause. They breathe in the fresh air, relaxed smiles on their faces. ‘…Say, do you think Trixie’s still okay in the house while we’re out here?’ ‘Shhh.’ Hi pats Lois’ hand. ‘Remember the bird’s happy song. Let’s just stay out here a half hour more and … see what happens.’” –Chance

“Pluggers sing with their mouths wide open into the shower stream because they know it’s the only hydration they will get all day that isn’t coffee or alcohol. [Thanks to Tabby Lavalamp, Edmonton, Alberta]” –Tabby Lavalamp

“First I wondered why the Gearhead Gertie artists felt the need to label the Grand Canyon. Then I wondered why they felt the need to give Gertie a line of dialogue that added nothing to the observers’ commentary. Then I wondered why the two observers were saying anything either. Eventually I wondered why I was reading Gearhead Gertie in the first place, and finally why anything happens at all, and here I am, envying Gertie’s ability to just live in the moment.” –Kevin Miller

“Others might have quailed before the task, but Mary easily summoned the courage to broach an uncomfortable and intimate topic with her luncheon guest, simply by gripping her emotional support meddling cylinder.” –Charterstoned

“There’s something awfully sad about a penguin in a bellhop uniform. Like all penguins, he has a built-in tux, so I can only assume he got busted down to bellhop because he was a shockingly incompetent waiter.” –Peanut Gallery

“If it’s that cold, shouldn’t these birds fly south for the winter? I guess that’s harder when you’re old, obese, you have a desk cluttered with papers that need organizing, and your article on ‘The Colonel’s 11 Herbs and Spices: Revealed!’ is already a week past its deadline.” –BigTed

“Very considerate of the artist to put a photo of Archie on the wall in panel two so we know what he’s supposed to look like. He’s also in panel one, but getting bored and losing track of the cast between panels is a risk in Archie! I’m glad they can acknowledge it!” –Dan

“I like how Hi’s face looks almost panicked as he realizes that the groundhog’s prophesy has come to pass. ‘My god, he really has the gift. Let’s go to the zoo, I need to ask him how I will die.’” –pugfuggly

“Shouldn’t Mr. Andrews be more concerned that as Archie is turning in for the night, ‘#1 Mom’ is still in her housecoat, eating a piece of cheesecake with her bare hands?” –Guts Dozier

“Mary’s acquisition of a cat could not be better timed. Rarely has the feline’s gentle indifference to human emotional turmoil been more apt.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“No. Absolutely not. Dot and Ditto’s school 100% does not have a contract with actual, real-life Playbill. This is an elementary school, god damn it, the program for Twitter: The Musical! Watership Down, but Blue Nothing So Easy As A Chair consists of three black-and-white pages printed out on an ancient LaserJet and stapled hastily together by PTA parents, and the 20 that are on top of the stack are obviously coffee-stained — look, I’ve been around the school-theater block a few times, and that block does not have money or, in this case, a qualified spotlight operator.” –els

“Thelma and Louise, eat your hearts out! Oh? A buzzard already did? And there’s one circling in the sky even now?” –richardf8

“Nonono guys! ‘Red morning, lameass motel diner staff take warning!’ You guys are doomed, read a book!” –A Grave Mind

“If by ‘back up and running like it used to,’ you mean ‘no more using a baseball cap as a hair net,’ then I’m all for it.” –Weaselboy

“I’m a freak, I like doves but I’m a mammal/ I once got busy in a Rhymes With Orange panel” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“A bleak note of realism that late ’90s skaters, with their soul patches and backwards baseball caps, are still out there and now pushing 50. Look at that weathered face. That tragic grip on lost youth. That’s the lined, beaten, careworn visage of a man who has just realized that Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater came out closer to the Watergate scandal than the present day.” –Schroduck

“Did Bud Light pay to have their product featured, or did they fail to pay to have their product not featured?” –Basil Wishbone

“I’m waiting for the political ads inspired by this storyline. ‘The rich already have too much money. Now they’re stealing the jobs that you desperately need. Out of BOREDOM.’” –Victor Von

“I can’t believe I’m saying I want more Intelligent Life but I kind of want to see an extended storyline where this guy starts a GoFundMe saying ‘Hey, I’m in perfect health and my doctor’s charging me a fortune for not doing anything! Help me out!’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Let’s all hope for a ‘meet-cute’ with Mud and Mae Mae. I’m leaning towards a pot of coffee in his lap.” –Maltmash3r

“Ooh, is this a ‘spot the mistakes’ strip? 1. Doctor holding paper chart. 2. Doctor making eye contact. 3. Doctor having conversation with patient (unless he’s doing it to up-bill). 4. Male patient at a non-emergent appointment, seemingly of his own volition without a partner there to make sure he shows up and asks questions about ‘that thing on his neck.’ 5. Doc’s ‘stethoscope’ has no earpieces, two chest pieces. 6. Shifting wall color between panels. 7. That tie and shirt, with that skin tone? Doc, you’re probably a winter — that ensemble does nothing for you.” –Old School Allie Cat