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Comics archive! metaposts

Metapost: Vote early, vote often (for the comment of the week)

Hi everyone! Your COTW momentarily, but first, for those of you in a Los Angeles-adjacent location: what are you doing this coming Tuesday night? I’m going to be in a stand-up contest at the LA Scripted Comedy festival, so why not buy some tickets? I would advance to the finals based on audience vote, so your presence would be extremely helpful!

And with that plug and attempt to subvert democracy out of the way, here’s your comment of the week!

“I notice Dennis has signed his abstract illustration of … is that a basic optical microscope? Anyway, he’s signing things DennisXx now. I hope he realizes pretty soon that this ‘straightedge’ persona is about as un-menacing as it gets.” –Brady

And your hilarious runners up!

“No, the most satisfying end to this storyline would be if Gordon jumped into the lion pit and Hanna yelled ‘OH GOD! NO, GORDON–’ and it immediately cut to Mary doing something else, and we never heard from these characters again.” –Jack loves comics

“Congratulations, Skyler … not on getting that Bond-girl-gone-bad role, but on being awarded an audience with Margo sometime ‘next week.’ But be vigilant! As it says in the Bible, ‘Keep watch, for you do not know the day or the hour.’” –Joe Blevins

“Mary Worth is like the Romans of yore; she makes a creative and emotional desert, and she calls it peace.” –G’Quan

“I was disturbed by the sexual overtones of ‘some homemade jam’ until I realized Lu Ann’s outfit is meant to suggest she’s two-thirds of Neapolitan ice cream. ‘You bring the chocolate, Martin!’ her outfit screams.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“The bored expression on Thel’s face is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. ‘Eh. There’s nothing kids can’t read in there. That’s my life kids, take a good look. Suitable for all ages.’” –Dan

Luann: “This is all a precursor to these crazy kids getting married at the fire hall, right? After the ceremony, Toni ‘slides down the pole’? Also, she and B-wad eventually consummate the marriage.” –Old School Allie Cat

“So, I guess Hanna left her furniture behind. If this guy is depressed now, wait until he starts living with that pistachio and chartreuse color scheme.” –lumaca morente

“The lady-cat in Heathcliff is freaking me out today. Why is she staring at me? What does that knowing smile mean? What does it have to do with that femur she’s holding? Is … is that my bone?” –Englong

“Speaking of moving boxes onto the street, I hope they fired the marketing rep who thought Mary Worth was a good product placement venue for U-Haul.” –Hart of Johnny

“Can’t Big Daddy Keane stand by the kitchen sink reading the newspaper in peace like normal people do after a successful shopping trip to Shapeless Blue Pants And Shirt-Matching-Shoes Warehouse?” –Daniel

I never worry about tomorrow, ’cause in Australia it’s already come. Yes, it has come to Australia, it has risen from an eons-long slumber beneath the coral palaces of the Great Barrier Reef. Even now it shambles into Sydney Harbour, bringing death and madness in its wake. I can hear it shouting in alien triumph in my dreams, Father. I will join it in its grand crusade to destroy the world, Mother. Yes, I never worry about tomorrow, for there shall be no tomorrow, only unrelenting pain in the gaping maw of our new savior and destroyer! Ia! Ia! Only now can we escape this small circle we call Life!” –Voshkod

“Mary appears to be taking her move from a manual about how grade school girls can get a boy to like them: ‘Ask questions, show you’re interested in him.’ Adam will find this mimicry of human behavior flattering, until she devours him.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Mark Zuckerberg: ‘My goal with Facebook is for everyone on earth to be using Facebook, for it to be a vital part of the complete human experience, never to be absent. Also, for fictional characters to never be shown using Facebook, ever, under severe penalty of law.’” –Mibbitmaker

Now I get it! Pluggers are beings cursed with immortality, living in a hellish existence that keeps them alive at advanced middle age, with no hope of escaping the endless pain and exhaustion.” –Ethan Shuster

Whew! For a moment there on Wednesday it looked like this strip was going to be about practicing medicine.” –Master Softheart

“‘Not!’ Whoah, what a stinger! There’s no comeback from the dreaded burn of ‘Not!’ Ask the miserable Elf King trying to slink out of panel 1. ‘Hey, Elf King, your new green tights are sooo in style. NOT!’ He slowly removed his crown, gathered a few belongings and walked out of the forest for the first time in two hundred years. ‘Sir,’ he asked an old man ‘is there a clever retort from Not?’ The old man looked at him quizzically. ‘That’s from Wayne’s World, back in ’92. Ha! Yeah, I loved that one. No, never did come up with anything to counter Not! I just took my lumps there. Maybe the high school kids might know.’ He handed his night cap to the old man, and walked into Genericburg High, home of the Wild Mascots.” –hogenmogen

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Unlucky comments of the week

AHHH IT’S THE SECOND MONTH IN A ROW WITH A FRIDAY THE THIRTHEENTH! Luckily (see what I did there), you have this comment of the week to console you:

‘We sure are growin’ up fast, aren’t we, mommy?’ [Keane children join together and morph into one massively tall melonheaded SuperKeane that devours mommy]” –Jack loves comics

And these very funny runners up!

Dennis the Menace really is rocking the ‘Gingers are soulless monsters’ thing this week, eh? Just look at those glowing blue wells where the baby’s eyes should be.” –James Dowd on Facebook

‘Those look fantastic!’ ‘Why, thank you, 1980s Pete Rose! And thanks, too, for showing up at our barbecue.’ ‘Oh, no problem. I’m not … I’m not a busy man.’” –Joe Blevins

“In Judge Parker, Rocky takes time out from leering at Neddy to admire Godiva’s breasts. In Mary Worth, we get the final (please?) All Praise Mary scene of a story about two women realising that a man was all they needed to be happy, and now they can give up things like driving and self-reliance. And in A3G poor Margo is so overcome by her feminine emotions that she’s on the point of complete hysteria. Happy International Women’s Day, everyone!” –Horace Boon

“I hope this is the start of an epic story about a young beaver, who went off on his own, found a stream to dam, and created a new beaver pond in which Rusty drowns.” –nescio

“I’m hearing Jeffy’s speaking there with the voice of Hannibal Lecter. ‘You want to know how old I am, Clarice? Take these mittens off of me, and I can tell you. I can count off my fingers like you count off the remaining years of your life, lonely and afraid despite your gun and badge.’” –Voshkod

“My take on it is that Slylock is not on the prosecutor’s team this time. He’s making some honest coin by defending a dishonest client. Why else would such a bizarre defense have been cooked up? ‘How could Rachel have seen my client when the porch light was not on, and the moon was not out? In fact, there was only a single star in the sky. I ask you, kind animal citizens of the jury, how could you possibly convict, based on this shady … bad choice of words, uncertain testimony?’ The cat in the jury can see by the light of a single star even at night, and doesn’t see what the big deal is. And owls can’t roll their eyes like that. They keep them locked dead ahead, like the entire jury, stunned that Slylock is defending Mr. Shrew in court, after being the one who blew out of the water Shady’s alibi about skiing in South America (it is summer in South America).” –Hogenmogen

“In Terry Pratchett’s The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, the colony of evolved rats uses an old Beatrix Potter-esque children’s book as their holy writ. What I’m saying is, Law and Order may not have survived in Slylock’s brave new world, but Encyclopedia Brown definitely did.” –TheDiva

“Sure, right now Momma’s only breaking the fourth wall to make us co-conspirators in her ‘joke,’ but tread carefully, dear reader! YOU KNOW how Momma works! Those playful winks and nudges will gradually morph into subtle recriminations, and before long any pretext of subtly will be dropped. ‘You seem to have spent quite a bit of time reading #Marmaduke this morning,’ she’ll say, locking your eyes with her wide, unblinking gaze. ‘You know, this strip is probably going to be cancelled soon and then your sad and lonely Momma will be #GoneForever, but fine, go ahead and laugh it up at that big dog’s #PlayfulHijinks.’ #DontLetMommaWin! #HashtagsHashtagsHashtags” –The Silent Penultimate Panel

“Look at that jerk, he’s all, ‘This is the wrong soda, and my sandwich has a cockroach in it, and I’ve been trying to get the staff’s attention for twenty minutes but they just stand inside the kitchen whispering to each other!’ It’s a total color nine smell scene, man.” –Chyron HR

“Crankshaft realizes old-fashioned mousetraps are more environmentally friendly than the traps baited with poison he usually pictures. Dammit! That woman has already influenced him in unintended ways! He’s got to get out of going to that garden show or she’ll have him eating turkey sausage for breakfast.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

I was worried when we set up my ‘accident’ but those new super-slim Depends don’t even show under my costume.” –cheech wizard

“I disagree with Josh today. I think intentionally taking a soccer-style flop is EXACTLY Newspaper Spider-Man’s level of sophistication as a superhero. Spider-Man: ‘Ow! Owoooo! Oh my God, my ribs! I think they’re — broken!’ Big Robot: ‘HE-IS-LYING-HE’S-THE-ONE-WHO-TRIPPED-ME-INTO-HIM’ Spider-Man: ‘Ow ow owwwwwww!’ Mysterio: [throws penalty card on robot] Big Robot: ‘YOU-SUCK-HE-IS-NOT-EVEN-HURT’” –Laura

“Between panels 1 and 2, the little green lumps on Mary’s plate have engorged themselves on the big brown lumps. That’s more action than this strip has seen in ages. Meanwhile, Dr. Jeff shows us what a skilled surgeon he is, by pretending to know how to use a fork.” –seismic-2

“Ha, ha! I was impressed with your zealous attitude as a volunteer! I mean, my word, trying to resuscitate all those patients I’d killed!” –Dood

‘Former Bigwig’. ‘Zealous Attitude’. Are these code words for sex that old people use?” –Mumblix Grumph

“Oh, snap! ‘FORMER bigwig!’ Mary is negging Jeff! No wonder he’s hooked.” –Ruth McIlhenny Gorme, on Facebook

With him you never know! Maybe he would prefer smashed potatoes, or crashed potatoes, or even crushed potatoes. Damn foodies! Potatoes were our thing!” –pugfuggly

“Geez, Dennis, must you spoil everything? Mrs Wilson is trying her best! It’s not easy to put together a lovely meal after the Great Meat Famine. Didn’t your parents teach you any manners before they died of malnutrition?” –made of wince

“Seriously, what part does Skyler play in these Bond films, Frumpy Galore?” –Dood

“Daddy, you know I can’t take your credit card. Hell, I’m the only kid on the block with a ‘do not accept checks from…’ sign on my wall. It’s just five pictures of you with different glasses and moustaches.” –Dan

“Y’know, maybe these are ‘bond movies,’ promotional films that feature waxy, dowdy blondes in weird pink polo blouses encouraging folks to buy war bonds.” –Ukulele Ike

“As Moses put the word of the Lord into Aaron’s mouth (Exodus 4:15), Billy opens his to receive the word from his father. Debate has raged for years on whether the body of Alan Greenspan literally or figuratively materializes during this capitalist communion.” –Hibbleton

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Let’s get COTW-y

GUYS, with literally zero ado, here comes the comment of the week:

“It’s pretty fantastic how Slylock is holding his hands out, imploring the assorted creatures to rely on their capacity for reason, as they march right past him with dollars already out and ready to be spent. But the next time Slick Smitty comes along with some fantastic claim about the polar bears he met at the South Pole, who will they plead with to solve the crime? ‘It’s barely worth throwing pearls of trivia before the swine of this forest,’ he’ll mutter while Max coughs and tries to subtly point out that there’s a talking swine nearby.” –Dan

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Like pale grubs given human features the Family Circus children slither across the bed, poking the clammy appendages they call hands into daddy Keane’s eyes and ears, demanding sustenance. Perhaps if he feigns death they’ll spare him and take is wife instead. But no, they can sense the ruse. There will be no escape from their doughy pun-filled maws while he still lives.” –EscapeZeppelin

“Is that a single bed where Bil is sleeping? They’ve wised up four kids too late.” –Midtown

“Please tell me that somewhere off-panel there’s a box labeled ‘Gordon’ and the little marionette is stuffed neatly in there with an iPad.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“Hello, dear. Just thought I’d invade your mind for a sec. Wow, it’s all sepia tone in here! Is this the way the world looks to you? No wonder you don’t trust yourself to drive; I imagine traffic lights are quite a challenge. Anyway, what’s with all the boxes? You’re not moving them into my place, are you? I thought you weren’t a hoarder, and all you need is your flute. What else are you hiding from me, a pet monkey? Well, that’s it for now. I have an appointment to get this troublesome hair in my nostrils trimmed again. Boy howdy, it grows like wildfire — I haven’t smelled a single thing in years!” –made of wince

Bowl haircut, bowl helmet … this guy is like one of those ‘theme’ villains on the Batman TV show. All he needs is henchmen wearing black sweatshirts with white lettering: ‘Tie him up, Mixing, you and Cereal go down to the dock, and take … take…’ ahh, nuts, this is much harder than it’s worth.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The Ghost Who Runs a Eugenics Program” –Liam

‘Mr. Moore?’ That seems a bit formal for … hmm. Come to think of it, what is the correct form of address for the widower of your bio-mom? I think if I were Darrin, I’d solve this conundrum by never talking to Les at all.” –Horace Broon

“So I’m assuming this is the work of that weirdo special effects guy we met earlier in the story, because obviously Peter can’t plan this far in advance for anything. I guess this might just raise more questions, like ‘why?’ or ‘how?’ or ‘um, what?’, but I’m sure we’ll be treated to some world-class hand-waving for the rest of the week.” –pugfuggly

“If the last two panels of Judge Parker took place on Jeopardy!: ‘What is the ending to the phrase: old enough to be my…’ Neddy’s Friend: ‘Demise!’ Wine Bottle: ‘Pop!’ ‘Wine Bottle is correct.’” –Wrong Way Up

I looked at the full moon, but nothing’s happening still. I don’t think Daddy’s Lunar Destruction Ray works at all! The U.N. will never pay us the ransom now!” –Voshkod

Who’d guess a film could make such a mess? Just the people who saw Green Lantern! DOH HO HO HO!” –Chyron HR

“Sean is already proving himself to be a most considerate husband, as he takes care to punch the word ‘knees’ to make sure his new bride gets the joke. (The joke is that he’s super old and feeble and probably not long for this world. HA!)” –Joe Blevins

Certain Dick Tracy characters look like they went into a costume shop and said ‘Give me exactly one item from every outfit you have.’” –Jack loves comics

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.