Hey, guys! I’m about to take a week-and-change break from the site, with your favorite Uncle Lumpy stepping up to fill in while I’m gone! Enjoy yourself in his warm, snuggling embrace, and I’ll be back on Monday the 25th.
If you really miss me, and you happen to be in Los Angeles on Saturday the 23rd, you should come see me in Chats on Cats, a live late-night talk show all about cats! I’ll be talking about my emotional journey with the feral cats I’ve been feeding and trapping and fixing in our neighborhood — if you follow me on Twitter or Instagram you’ve seen lots of pictures of them, but now you can get the full, funny story. Plus there are lots of other hilarious people on the show — don’t miss it!
Meanwhile, here’s your comment of the next couple weeks, because Uncle Lumpy as ever will be unable to bear to choose a winner from amongst you:
“Isn’t Skyler an abducted boy now being raised in Cosmo’s bizarre bird footwear cult? That makes a hell of a lot more sense. Note Cosmo says ‘my grandfather,’ not ‘your great grandfather’ as many older relatives do while telling such stories. ‘You have no lineage, Skyler, forget the false memories of another life. You rose from my sneaker insole to fulfill a destiny. Now go clean the shoe closet… I mean temple.’” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys
And the runners up! Very funny!
“I smoked weed a couple times and next thing I knew I was craving the hard stuff…MARRIAGE.” –Tea Berry-Blue, on Twitter
“Wouldn’t the real Cranky have said something like ‘circling the square?’ and then smiled at the memory of all those kids who missed school that day?” –Little Blue Bicycle
“My new nightmare involves waking up on the beach, only to find a nude Mark Trail hovering over me and saying something vaguely unsettling like ‘Oftentimes, the earth shows an amazing ability to heal itself!’” –Joe Blevins
“Mysto will then metaphorically fleece his audience by promising to show them ‘The Great Egress’, and literally fleece one audience member who happens to be a sheep.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid
“Don’t make plans for Friday night, Rickey. You know, like playing in a high school football game or anything.” –Pozzo
“A friend, dear? Oh that is so cute, you think you have a friend. Now tell me who is trying to fuck you at work. Details, Dawn. I want details.” –Marty Worthless
“Mary anticipates updating her spreadsheet later and comparing today’s data to Dawn’s baseline with the same glee as Coach Kaz.” –Kevin On Earth
“Since Hi and Lois’ marriage is a loveless affair and not even the erotic outfit of a sexually charged worker-boss dynamic can light their flame, Lois has decided to put her French maid costume to good use and actually clean the house while wearing it.” –Escape Zeppelin
“‘The storm’s wind has them! Get your partner — we’ve got to take cover!’ Looks like Mark’s contractions are getting closer together.” –Dood
“Ha ha, it’s funny because Lukey looks really sad. Like, he feels really bad about having no job and no real skills and contributing nothing to his family’s desperate situation. Not Snuffy, though: when you’ve got no use for pride, life’s just one long tongue-waggling guffaw!” –pugfuggly
“What are we, Dawn, if not for our principles? Our beliefs … our sense of what is right or wrong? For example, my principles are the only thing keeping me from crushing this seagull I’m holding. My principles, and the fact that laundry day isn’t until Saturday. But for my principles, and the mess it would make, I’d slowly squeeze the life out of this airborne rat and laugh as the light went out of its beady, black eyes. Does your friend understand now?” –Voshkod
“U.S. Army CID Preliminary Report — Court Martial of SFC Orville P. Snorkel: Following this encounter in the latrine at 0630, investigators could piece little of the next three hours. At approximately 0945 2LT Flap and 2LT Fuzz witnessed SFC Snorkle, having inserted an IV into PV1 Bailey’s arm and affixed him to the front of his Jeep, drive said Jeep into Battalion HQ at a high rate of speed. Lt. Flap reports the suspect’s only words were ‘Witness me!’ Suspect has previously shown signs of mental illness, see supplemental report ‘Otto’ appended.” –Slick Whitman
“I looked back, and it turns out 10 years ago, Pluggers told us ‘A plugger’s hand-held, wireless device only has an AM/FM switch‘. Going from transistor radio to an iPhone in just ten years is actually ludicrously fast. Have we entered the Plugger Singularity?” –Schroduck
“I’m glad to see Dagwood is honoring Blondie’s historic roots by proudly displaying his ‘Hoover flags.’” –Anonymous
“Dagwood saves money by being as committed to minimalism in his home as Mr. Dithers is at work. Just as his office has nothing in it but a single desk and chair, the living room in his house holds only a single loveseat, TV stand and television set; meanwhile, the kitchen has nothing but a fridge next to a small chopping stand, and a stove standing on its own in the middle of the room. That’s the only way he can fulfill his family’s voracious need for the latest electronic gadgets — because when you’re spending most of your day in cyberspace, actual objects become less and less necessary. By the time it becomes possible to ‘taste’ a sandwich through some kind of virtual-reality brain implant, perhaps the Bumsteads will have no use for the material world at all.” –BigTed
Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:
- Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
- Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.
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