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Hey y’all! Today is the last Friday of the month, and you know what that means: that next Friday is the first Friday of the month, and that means it’s time for my monthly live comedy show in LA, the Internet Read Aloud!

This week’s topics include marriage, hair and hair substitutes, stuffed animals, and inscrutable celebrity communiques. Don’t miss it! Here’s the Facebook event!

And now: your comment of the week.

“Dad, I’m holding court here! I’m preparing to pronounce myself guilty! Guilty of loving this totally adorable teddy bear!” –Dood

And your hilarious runners up!

“The Mitchells sit down with Dennis to watch one of those very non-child-friendly Real Housewives shows. That’s how desperate they are for him to stop emulating those damned 1950s Westerns.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Wish I ever felt the kind of bliss Neddy’s getting from that salad.” –Abbey Spencer Raises An Eyebrow

“What the hell is this? Key party bingo?” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook

“DEREK! HELLO! DON’T YOU IGNORE ME! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR PERFECTLY WELL! YOU’RE JUST GIVING ME MEDDLING MATERIAL! DON’T MAKE ME INVENT AN ENTIRELY NEW FORM OF HEARING AID, BECAUSE SO HELP ME GOD!” –Applemask

“Ever notice how the Wilsons look nearly identical, like the same person in two different outfits? I’m wondering if ‘Mrs’ Wilson is noticing for the first time that there’s only one person in her wedding photos and is this strip is about to take a horror-movie twist.” –pugfuggly

“Mad props to Mary for getting the timing just right (’cause you know she’s omnipotent and has witnessed everything that’s happened). She knew that she would worm her way into Derek and Katie’s relationship eventually, but she didn’t want to spoil it by jumping in too soon. ‘Non-smoking non-drama? Oh, that’s just the warm-up. Ship’s entertainer making googly eyes at a husband in front of the wife? No, not yet. Same entertainer locks said wife in a bathroom at port? Patience, dear. Cat-fight on a rain-slicked deck that nearly ends in manslaughter? I know what you’re thinking, but it’s still too soon. Husband staring blankly at a wall of photographs? Now. NOW! DEREK! HELLO!’” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“Wine? How depraved!” –Dale Kohler, on Facebook

“Wait. The bank robbers bring their own soundtrack? And it’s ‘Tubthumping’? And they’re in costume? Are we sure they’re the bad guys?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Everyone knows that step one in a successful bank robbery is to loudly announce your name.” –Andrew

“I will be so disappointed when this storyline ends without a threesome between Derek, Abbey, and Mary. Or any threesome at all. It’s a cruise, there should be threesomes.” –Ekudamram

“The odd thing is, he’s going to see his optometrist (but he’s hoping to get lucky).” –Pozzo

“It all started with my craving to smoke … and escalated from there … now I’m looking at pictures of my fellow passengers to see which one might have the largest pituitary gland. Nicotine just doesn’t cut it anymore, know what I mean?” –Voshkod

“I like to think that as Mary says this she’s using her powers to become a roiling mass of ears and then shoulders, like a playful spirit.” –Jack Loves Comics

“Mark’s Water-World boat/automobile/airplane/island explosion apparently left poor Mr. Elvgren nearly deaf, and now people have to holler at him from only three feet away. It’s no wonder that he regularly grills his employees to make sure that none of them have had any further contact with Mark!” –seismic-2

“Humanity almost went extinct after the I Read It On The Internet Act of 2030, while cow scientists used human smallpox to develop a vaccine against cowpox. Natural selection, I call it!” –Ettore

“These panels take place in Slylock’s imagination. Residents of New Earth never realized that taking on humanoid bodies would also cause them to be vulnerable to infections that had never threatened animals before. Now the forest-dwellers are all dangerously ill, with nothing to help them but Count Weirdly’s ineffective ‘medicinal herbs.’ And the great fox detective himself is lost in a fever dream, living inside a utopian neighborhood his brain has constructed from a vague understanding of the past and an ancient copy of The Saturday Evening Post he found long ago in the smoldering ruins of a public library.” –BigTed

“CIA: ‘Here, show us on this teddy bear where you would want April to touch you if she was aliv– ummm … I mean if she was here. And alive. Not dissolving in a vat underne… I’ve said too much.’” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“You’re also a plugger if you wear a wicker jacket as part of a bizarre folk remedy meant to ward off liberals, the evil spirits that inhabit modern technology, and the plague.” –Escape Zeppelin

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Your top comment: now!

“Xenarthra also includes sloths. Maybe the armadilloid will see our lackadaisical hero as more kin than food.” –Perky Bird

Your runners up: here!

“Hi got stuck in a dead-end job complete with a private window office in a downtown corporate center. By this point in his life he had always assumed he’d be perched atop a throne made from his enemy’s skulls watching the flames consume their civilization like broken up palates in a backyard firepit. Alas.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

“Behind Holly’s shoulder, a member of the audience is apparently congratulating the actress who plays L’il Mama by … rubbing her scalp? Is this a strange tradition at this hippy-dippy performing arts school, or is it a weird way that folks in this community have of displaying affection? Or are we finally getting to the real medical drama in this story arc, which is an infestation of head lice? I have no idea what is going on here, other than that it is more interesting than the relationship between Niki and Kelly, of course.” –seismic-2

“Happy Coddle Hi’s Fragile Male Ego Day!” –TheDiva

“[Cut to Derek, mouth stuffed with cigarettes like a hole plugged with pipecleaners, obstinately playing the slots in the casino on deck 4 while the moon menaces him romantically through a porthole]” –Jack Loves Comics

“The proper response to this question in the Funkyverse is ‘I have cancer.'” –Harold Jenkins, on Facebook

“I’ll forgive Spidey for his lack of knowledge on mammalia (though the ‘man’ part of ‘Spiderman’ belongs to this class). He should know just from occupational trivia that class insecta is distinctly different than class arachnid, though they both belong to phylum arthropoda. True, that’s a mouthful for a witty riposte when some villain calls him a ‘bug’, but he should know the difference. Doc Oc: ‘I’ll crush you like the bug you are!’ Spidey: ‘You’re a doctor, but did you know… [10 minutes later] See, octopuses are in class cephalopoda in phylum mollusca. It goes kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus species. But you’re right, it is considered rude to use the plural octopi.’” –Hogen the Mogen

“I don’t follow their continuity reboots that closely anymore, so I had no idea the most recent one merged Westview into the DC Universe. No wonder everyone hated it so much!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“Bravo to Hi for learning that first world problems require first world passive-aggressiveness.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Hi and Lois also nods to contemporary life by making its office environment a bleak, featureless purgatory. Well, back to writing marketing copy!” –Steve S

“We’ve secretly replaced Esme’s cigarette with a road flare. Let’s see if she notices!” –Dmsilev

“What does Hi have against picnics? Does he think organizing one shouldn’t be part of his job as Business-Suited Laptop Guy? Did Yogi Bear hit on Lois the last time they vacationed at Jellystone Park? Whatever the reason for Hi’s downward spiral, by the time he puts this event together two months from now, I think we can expect the bug juice to be heavily spiked with Smirnoff.” –BigTed

“Now we see what happens without the Thin Grey Line of Mary’s meddling — a quick and ugly reversion to the state of nature. I know you’re on vacation, Mary (and it’s after 8:30 pm), but won’t you please give pithy advice about something that’s none of your business just this one time?” –Adam Menendez

“I don’t know what Chicken Lady’s problem is. That’s a normal-size cup of coffee; he is a dog.” –Dog

“This is quite the twist. Will locked-in-bathroom wife now be locked-in-brig wife? Where the currency is, ironically, cigarettes?” –Janna, on Twitter

“Considering how pro-cruise this storyline was at the outset, I anticipate a speedy rescue of Esme and much exposition by Mary about how really really really safe sea travel is and how hardly anyone takes cruises to kill themselves or their spouses or their spouses’ lovers.” –Lorne

“Yep, since it’s raining there’s no way for them to kill us n[is repeatedly stabbed]” –pugfuggly

“For pity’s sake, Poulet, now is your chance. The Legion has fallen, the fort’s aflame, the Front de Libération Nationale forces are upon you. Go out like a man, pull out your pistol, aim low, and smear Crock’s brains across the sand. Then, and only then, can you go to your God like a soldier.” –Voshkod

“So, you see, Cherry, ‘dead end‘ is sort of a pun — a play on words, if you will — because the driver of the truck died. That’s why I said it.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Oh, okay. Now, I get why Mary is so thrilled about cruises. In addition to the food, activities, and ports of call, there’s also the incredible God-like power you feel as you hold another human’s life in your hands.” –Dread

“KATIE: Folks, we’ve had a lot of fun here today, but you know what’s not fun? [turns cap backwards, straddles chair] Murdering women for adultery.” –Dan

“What? No description of how the cliffs were formed through centuries of erosion? And are they limestone? Sandstone? Dammit, man, I need details! Details!” –Joe Blevins

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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DAMN Y’ALL IT’S THE WEEK’S TOP COMMENT

“This whole Mary Worth story has been an unashamed advertisement for the cruise travel industry, so I have to assume this absurd plot is part of it. ‘Come sail on a cruise ship, our performers are sexually aggressive and can’t get enough of our middle-aged customers!’” –AndyL

AWWW YEAH IT’S ALSO THE RUNNERS UP

“You’re a Plugger if you position your chairs so you can talk to your wife but you don’t have to look at her.” –DimensionalOtter

“Wow, I guess when you’re used to drawing unfeeling automatons, actual displays of emotion look like some kind of seizure.” –pugfuggly

“Katie shouted the word ‘gasp’ instead of actually gasping because she’s really careful about not inhaling secondhand smoke.” –Noel

“It’s not what it looks like! She was smoking, Katie! Her mouth was on fire! I had to put it out as quickly as possible.” –Here Come the Judge

“I wish I was as content with almost anything in my life as he is with that slice of pie.” –Pat Ferruzza, on Facebook

“The thing that’s not getting sent in the mail is Pandora’s box with hope still inside, because it’s against local ordinances for hope to enter Westview.” –Steve S

“Aaaah, high school theater, where the backstage drama, just like the drama onstage, is hackneyed and meaningless.” –grsblvnyk

“So, Marvin’s dad performs an ‘insult bank shot’ of trashing the person he’s sitting at the table with by way of trashing the person standing behind him? Well, the poop doesn’t fall from the asshole, that’s what I always say.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Billy seems to think that the end of the school year means he can throw away his books, papers, clothes, and really anything connecting him with civilized humanity. Meanwhile, his siblings are just happy to know he’s about to trip over that untied shoelace.” –BigTed

“The sender of the unsigned birthday card didn’t even put her name on the return, and lady dog-plugger had to suss out the sender purely from the address (which, to her credit, she did). To make it more of a challenge the following year, Edna uses a bar code for a return label, handles the card and envelope with latex gloves to prevent fingerprints, and expects lady dog-plugger to discern Edna’s identity purely by scent.” –Hogen the Mogen

“You’re misreading all the Family Circus emotions. Let me help. Thel: Sad (that Billy found his way home despite the fact that she seduced the bus driver into taking him out of town and leaving him). Dolly: Excited (to tell Billy she was hiding behind the door ready to garrote him). Jeffy: thrilled (because now he gets to shiv Billy tonight after bath time instead of Dolly being the one). PJ: Angry (that he has to wear penny loafers with a onesie). Sam: Stoned.” –Briane

“You’re a plugger if you don’t write anything on a birthday card because you know the Feds can figure out who you are by matching your handwriting with your anti-government manifesto.” –Voshkod

“Not quite sure where the cigarette went in the second panel, but I think Esme just stubbed it out on Derek’s beefy chest.” –Schroduck

“I like that Dick pulls his hat down low and pulls his collar up, as if he’s hoping to slink through town unnoticed, all while hoping audibly that he’s not called upon to do his job. After nearly 90 years, this character just became relatable.” –Joe Blevins

“When Shoe tells us I’m right and you’re wrong, you’ll be eating crow! I can’t believe you would claim that newspaper editors are often called upon to settle arguments between their columnists and deliverypeople! Shoe knows that they aren’t!” –Joshua K

“You might think Dick Tracy is some kind of cool guy what with boasting about people named B.O. Plenty who he’s going to be taking for a ride down to the docks tomorrow and his beautiful coffee-swilling mistress in a state of luxurious post-coital undress and those badass suspenders, but his interior design tells another story. He seems to have chosen for the foyer the kind of red-brick pattern customarily associated with a fire station in a Richard Scarry book, and on account of his transparent incompetence at having a door or rotating bookcase installed, he’s simply placed a fern in front of the room where he (presumably) keeps all the evidence necessary to convict him of decades of corruption. ‘You can get yourself something out of the fridge if you get hungry or whatever,’ he says on his way out the door. ‘Just remember not to move my favorite fern.’ ‘I can see there’s a room behind there, Tracy,’ she purrs. ‘All I see is a fern, honey,’ he says, flashing that signature Dick Tracy smirk, and parking that signature fedora on his square, square head.” –Jack Loves Comics

“Tennessee Williams’ Barney Google and Snuffy Smith” –Applemask

“I believe a small model train runs through that gap in his hairline.” –Kevin on Earth

“Good luck calling Mark’s wife, guys. ‘What’s that? Where was Mark going? I believe he said, Into the wilderness, Spousal Unit before he put on his flesh suit and left. What?’” –Dread

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardcover, paperback or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.