“The relative superiority the Smifs are claiming is actually unrelated to their choice of candidate; the Smifs are just more adept at operating the Voting Churn.” –Violet

“‘What inspired this walk through the park, Truck?’ ‘You’re prettier than the fall colors. And also, I’m incredibly cheap. Now, sit down on this bench and we can share a couple of Tic Tacs I found in my pocket.’” –BigTed

“Gather ’round the fatscreen TV, everybody.” –nescio

“It’s OK, Beetle! Those guys have numbers in the 80s! They’re just oversized tight ends playing out of position!” –matt w

“Sure, cats climb everywhere, but we are meant to believe that that lumpy boxer somehow made it onto the table by himself? They put him there. No, Dr. Ed, the vet, put him there! While Estelle and Ed get all romantic about how they compromised at their no frills wedding, the lumpy boxer is going to fall off that table and get hurt. ‘Sorry, honey, I have to leave. It’s an emergency! I’ll be taking him to the office. Don’t wait up!’” –Joe Momma

“I think that caption is the closest thing to an artist finishing a strip with ‘Wait … why’d I draw this?’ I’ve ever seen.” –Victor Von

“The first time the cats and dog went ‘meow woof meow,’ everyone laughed. The fifth time elicited a chuckle. The tenth repetition was met with silence, the twenty-fifth with fear, and at the fiftieth ‘meow woof meow’ the party-goers fled in open terror, leaving Estelle and Ed alone with their pets. Their masters. Their gods.” –Voshkod

“It’s funny, because you would think that a young Zoomer [googles quickly] ‘generation alpha’ teen would be more worried about global warming than a new ice age? Maybe she’s actually quite optimistic about our society’s ability to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, or maybe ice ages are the subject of the hot new Y.A. novels [googles again] ‘Tiktok dances’? No wait … that can’t be right …” –pugfuggly

“I refuse to believe anyone in Hootin’ Holler votes any differently from anyone else. They all open the ballot paper, and then remember that they’re illiterate.” –Schroduck

“Almost [gulp] forty years ago, a philosophy instructor told the class about riding the elevator with one of his professors on a wet, windy, stormy day. ‘A good day to read Schopenhauer, don’t you think?’ the professor asked, about the other famed German crank/philosopher, known for his commitment to humanity’s racial suicide. Any day in Dustin is a good day to read Schopenhauer, is what I’m saying, Meg can drag out On The Freedom of the Will, or they can all die in a fire, it’s all good.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Perhaps Dolly is unfamiliar with this process, having had her hair in a ponytail that has never been unbound for as long as she can remember. Every strand glued so tightly into place her her eyebrows keep trying to make a run for it. Not even able to sleep on her back. Thel has never regretted choosing that good old fashioned Johnson’s Baby Shamglue.” –made of wince

“The Vikings still live in a world steeped in non-monotheistic paganism, so it’s not outside the norm for them to stumble upon the uncanny, the fantastic, and the unexpected. Rushing a well fortified castle is routine, and the curses of the priests and their chivalric knights about the future of their souls is nothing but hot air. But oddities like this are to be approached with caution, respect, and foreboding.” –Philip

“Apart from this being a dated throwback to the time when the wife was expected to have no income of her own and therefore was entirely dependent on her husband for everything, even personal luxuries, aren’t the Wilsons retired? Technically Social Security paid for that hat.” –TheDiva

“Hagar is oddly curious about an avant-garde production of Plato’s allegory of the cave put on by medieval furries. Not exactly his cup of tea, Lucky Eddie much prefers the French enlightenment and their belief in the power of reason.” –Hibbleton

“There’s character growth and then there’s being expected to believe that someone else is lazing about in bed while Beetle is up and about, and that’s a step too far.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I’m enjoying how, in the midst of nekkid Lion People reveling in the firelight like Maenads, Flash is leading Dale in a sedate foxtrot like they’re at the Yale Prom.” –Ukulele Ike

“Zero will have plenty to gloat about when Rocky finds himself in an unexpected gang food fight and needs such food sources as raw milk fresh from the cow to gain the tactical advantage.” –InvasionOfTheZIM

“Henry’s smile fades as he realizes Dennis just lumped him in with a bunch of equally milquetoast middle aged fathers who ache for the confirmation of an impersonal coffee mug bought at a flea market for a quarter. Existentially menacing.” –Edison Carter

“I do appreciate that even though it’s right in their field of vision, Estelle still takes the time to inform everyone that this is ‘the lunch spread.’ After all, people who are unfamiliar with Mary’s cooking need to be reassured that no, this is not Libby’s litter box on the table.” –2+2=7

“Actually, a Norseman would not refer to himself as a Viking, which is an insult, like calling someone a pirate. Unless Hamlet is like a rapper reappropriating the N-word, which is more interesting than whatever Hagar the Horrible is doing.” –Ettorre

“You may say I’m the best dad/ But I’m not the only one/ I hope some day you’ll join us/ And you’ll learn it’s not that fun” –Rosco

“The robot looks like he’s been waiting a long time to squeeze this question in. How long as he been sitting there listening to the girls spout malapropisms? Days? Weeks? Being a machine, he doesn’t need to eat or sleep, and being eldritch horrors, neither do they.” –Peanut Gallery

“I like how Tater’s costume seems to to be an actual hollowed-out potato? Makes sense: they can still eat it afterwards (if he doesn’t soil it) and there’s no sense wasting good burlap.” –pugfuggly

“I guess Granny Creeps wasn’t protein deprived as a child. Looks like witchin’ pays better than chicken stealin’ in Hootin’ Holler.” –But What Do I Know?

“If they had been driving through a different part of town at that moment Joey might’ve said ‘I want to be a lake!’ or ‘I want to be a Batteries Plus store!’ or ‘I want to be an expressway!’” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Marvin sure is a lucky kid. Robots don’t usually give you this clear an warning that they’re about to peel your skin off and remove your internal organs to run diagnostics on your power supply and other internal hardware.” –jroggs

“I appreciate the detail of Max watching in terror the body horror wreak havoc around him but not letting that stop him from getting some candy. You go, little mouse, and enjoy your tasty treats.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Jeffy is wearing his father’s old coat with the sleeves comically rolled up, whereas Billy has a perfectly tailored Superman costume. So where on this spectrum does PJ fall? I’m guessing dog costume, as in a costume meant for the dog, who refuses to wear it.” –Rex_Thrillho, on Twitter

“They ain’t laughin’ at ya on accounta yer costume, Jughaid! — they’re laughin’ at ya on accounta yer backwoods colloquialisms ‘n’ elisions!’” –Bob Tice

“He asks that as though he already knows how people guts feel. I’d keep an eye on this kid.” –Pozzo

“I love the constant reminders that Pierre is literally the best-behaved dog in history, content to pass his days gazing quietly upon his owners in quiet admiration. This was the level of responsibility that was too much for Wilbur. We all like making fun of Dawn, but honestly the fact that she’s even alive is a pretty heroic achievement.” –Dan

“Nah, Rex is more likely to go into pedantic teacher mode with them. ‘Well, Blonde-Haired Adoptive Son, that’s an interesting question. You see there are many different forms of human viscera, and each have their distinct textural properties. The intestines, for example, have a wet, slippery feel that might be comparative to the interior contents of a pumpkin, but the liver…’” –TheDiva

“I bet you that their ‘compromise’ is to simply have the wedding right there at the vet clinic, so that Ed can immediately get right to work operating on bulldogs instead of celebrating his honeymoon (‘At least someone will have a sharp tool inside them tonight,’ Estelle will sigh with resignation).” –2+2=7

“Count Thorpula has a personality. That’s how you can tell it’s a costume.” –MKay

“I prefer to think that the creators Rex Morgan cleverly dodged a lawsuit from Star Wars, Disney, Marvel, DC, Nintendo, et al. There’s no way those kids aren’t dressed as Spider Man and Wario under those coats.” –Old School Allie Cat

“I like the kid who just bought a huge, grotesque monster mask and didn’t care enough to add any other costume — he’s just wearing it with his everyday clothes. Especially since it came with huge, leering eyes, which means he can’t actually see anything as he traverses his neighborhood streets at night. In fact, Gertie thinks he’s so cool that she’s giving him extra candy from her dog-food bowl of loose M&Ms!” –BigTed

“The French Foreign Legion has a history of taking in criminals, runaways, orphans, and other pliable castoffs of society to fill the ranks and help enforce a brutal colonial regime on the indigenous population. But behind the man who wields the gun are several more doing the support work to keep the legion running and supplied, and skills like that require normal civilians. Cooks like this one cannot be blind to the mission of violence they support, so the Legion has ways of breaking them, by having them befriend sentient chickens, before having to kill them to feed the troops in the field.” –Philip

“I like to think there’s some puppy play going on in today’s Mary Worth as well. Mary is clearly the one responsible for Wilbur receiving invites to his exes’ weddings and she has to be the one making him go. I can only figure she’s doing the fabled dog-owner thing of rubbing a dog’s nose in its mess to teach it a lesson and stop it from repeating the bad behavior. How many more failed relationships will Mary have to rub Wilbur’s nose into before he finally stops tracking them into her apartment? It might look impossible to do from the outside but Mary has successfully trained Wilber to salivate after she rings a bell so she’s really hopeful this current training will stick soon.” –Lionheart

“Sorry, Beetle, regardless of what you saw on MASH or read in Catch-22, the military really doesn’t do Section 8 separation anymore. Instead, you’re looking at months with Dr. Bonkus and then an other-than-honorable discharge, which is just not going to look good to your future civilian employee. Buck up! You’ve been in the Army over 50 years; your pension is going to be great!” –Voshkod

“After this pleasant thought, Mary immediately begins scheming to get Wilbur and Shiela together. What’s the ship name? Shilbur? Wiela?” –Navigator

“You know land lines are becoming archaic when even comic strip artists forget how you’re supposed to hold a handset when talking. Are Blondie and Dagwood trying to FaceTime each other?” –Tabby Lavalamp

“What these stupid kids don’t know about autumn leaves could fill a book. Which really doesn’t matter, because apparently none of them has ever read one.” –BigTed

“We begin with our observers paying lip service to the notions that their subject is behind the times and requires reform. This is quickly met with reluctance and denial and insistence that its content is still good, even though many related enterprises have failed. Sentimentality and sluggish inertia then causes them to push that the art is still charming and the once-positive responses still hold. Leaving no allowance for anything new, be it fresh ideas, improvement, or openness to current feedback, they smugly decide to leave things just as they are and do nothing to solve their obviously apparent problems, determined to instead wallow in fruitless nostalgia. Hmm … are we really talking about a corkboard here?” –jroggs

“I sincerely hope that today’s Mary Worth is the beginning of a new storyline where every character has nightmares about Wilbur. Even the animals. Even Wilbur himself.” –Craig!

“No, Hi and Lois aren’t looking directly at us, the readers. They’re looking directly at you, Josh. This is their response to all the times you’ve called comic strips out for still having dogs living outside and whatnot. ‘It’s a time capsule. You should leave it as it is.’ They’ve become aware of you and don’t want you to interfere. Not that this should scare you — what should scare you is the fact that Wilbur’s also become aware of you, and the way you keep putting him down is turning him on.” –likeagrapefruit

“Cheers to Zits for having the courage to tell parents it’s okay for them to have a frank talk with their kids via text about what said kids should do when they’re horny! Jeers to Zits for forgetting that the only people still reading newspaper comics are retirees whose children are in their 40s, and who have never been given their grandchildren’s cell phone numbers, possibly to avoid this exact scenario.” –Briane Pagel

“Look, the joke in Crock wouldn’t work if the shovel was colored golden from panel one. On the other hand, it doesn’t work anyway. Hm.” –matt w

“I had to rack my brains to work out who ‘The Cueball’ and ‘The Stoner’ were, but you know what? The idea that Elon Musk would teach his shitty AIs to call Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson mean names is the most plausible thing in this story so far. If anything, these names aren’t cruel enough — the real Elon Musk literally tweeted that Bill Gates looks pregnant and made him lose an erection. Ian Mollusk’s robot should be saying things so libelous that the strip gets banned by English courts.” –Schroduck

“Dagwood’s insatiable appetite makes a lot more sense when you realize he’s trying to fill the void left by his professional and personal life.” –TheDiva

“Man, I don’t know if my heart can take any more of this wild, roller-coaster ‘handshake might hurt my finger a bit’ action right on top of the already pulse-pounding ‘friends reunite and everything turns out great’ drama in Rex Morgan. Let’s dial it down a little, people! It can’t be constant thrills, all the time!” –Chance

“Coach Martinez might lack Coach Thorp’s leadership skills or natural understanding of his players, but he compensates for this by inflating his neck like a tree frog.” –Ettorre

“Mary Worth is almost there in accidentally recreating the myth of Freyja.

✓ Husband absent.
✓ Frequent weeping.
✓ Can shape-shift into a falcon (see the 5/7/1972 strip, true believers!)
✓ Slept with four dwarves for a fancy necklace (see upcoming honeymoon storyline)
X Has a sled pulled by two cats (so close! Keep trying, Mary Worth.)” –Voshkod

“Pierre is staring straight ahead in wide-eyed terror. ‘Damn, she’s still talking about this crap! I can’t handle the pressure of trying to figure out the correct moment to weigh in with woof!’” –Weaselboy

“It looks like Mud’s album is called ‘Mud in Your Eye?’ Honestly, that’s great. No irony, that rules. I hope he has a whole discography of mud pun titles, like ‘Clear as Mud’ or ‘Happy as a Pig in Mud’ or his post-cancellation album, ‘Drag My Name Through the Mud.’” –Dan

“Yes, this will render them helpless … three at a time! Surely they will all wait patiently in line for food that their compatriots will, to a man, audibly opine is terrible, and none of them will simply walk around this undefended little hut to, like, the front door! Also, are we implying that Grossie lives in the hut? That the hut is her home? Where she’s cooking the meals? For an entire army? I just hope those guys on the tower understand that the enemy isn’t taking their diarrhea home with them, is all I’m saying.” –els