“We’ve never once seen Dagwood use a tool, have we? He spent the Bumstead family fortune on an exotic collection of tools like a Japanese saw (unlike most saws, it cuts on the pull stroke) simply in order to lord it over his humiliated neighbor, who has some kind of tool-using compulsion. Sick stuff!” –matt w

“On the ominous orphanage name scale, ‘Ms. Asthma’s Orphan Asylum’ ranks somewhere between ‘St. Jerome’s Home for the Unfortunates’ and ‘The Misery Street Orphanage (Malfecia Harridan, directress).’” –TheDiva

“I’m curious about the actual ritual elements in Blondie. Like there is nothing in Herb’s appearance to suggest why he suddenly shouts AUGH so I assume that is part of it, and maybe it’s significant that we never actually see a tool change hands. Most of all, though, I wonder why he first says ‘pleez’ and then ‘please’. Can you even tell those apart verbally, or does this imply there is a written text they are following? There’s a lot happening in this annual tradition that we have somehow never seen before.” –pachoo

“Not having any context or anything, I love how chill everyone in today’s Gil Thorp is being. ‘Sorry I’m late, my son committed a pretty serious crime. Not slap-on-the-wrist stuff, the kind of thing they really take you down for.’ ‘No worries Gil, the important thing is that you’re here for what really matters: Sports.’” –Dan

“That look on the old cowboy’s face tells me there are runaway teens buried in the desert who had their organs harvested. But that’s just what Jeff Bez… Oh, sorry, ‘The Arizona Kid’ (wink, wink) does to prolong his life.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“God, just look at Sarge’s face in the last panel: that is definitely a man discovering a fetish.” –pugfuggly

“Snuffy, I think you might have a better chance arguing that this court is not legitimate because the American flag is just a blue blanket with red patches sewn on it.” –Old Man Shadow

“And where better to connect than Connecticut? I mean, it’s right there in the name!” –Pozzo

“‘I’m flying to Connecticut on SUNDAY.’ Well, HERE’s a conflict! How will Mary work Dawn’s trip into her annual Easter tribute? Oh, wait, I found it: ‘Dawn and resurrection are synonymous. The reappearance of the light is the same as the survival of the soul.’ –Victor Hugo” –Charterstoned

“The son taking initiative to reduce the amount of time he spends with the father? This is going to require an extensive ‘Cat’s in the Cradle’ rewrite.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Note how Dawn’s abrupt decision to fly alone cross-country to see her estranged mother came immediately after she started eating a muffin. If she’s gone too long without a good meddle, Mary doses her cupcakes with a mixture of stimulants, hallucinogens, and inhibition removers and hands them out to neighbors, just so she has something to do.” –Schroduck

“Tobias Gordon is one of the best because when he passes the ball it sounds like SWOOSH, normally a sound you’d associate with making a basket.” –taig

“Dawn has been attending the local university since at least 2007, so the university is more than happy to get her off the books and stop her from ruining their US News & World Report rankings, which include the average length of time for students to graduate into consideration. Maybe she will get back to her studies in medicine in Connecticut and become Yale’s problem.” –Philip

“Literally ‘ran into.’ With a car. I need to get out of this town … at least for a while!” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Of course, if you don’t want the sun to die, you need to feed it a steady diet of human sacrifices. But it’s no longer PC, I’m told!” –Ettorre

“After years of hard work and achieving degrees in solar astrophysics, Doctor Trixie Flagston took a deep breath of the rarified air atop Mauna Loa. From her vantage, she could see the entire island, from the smoking craters of Kīlauea to the buildings of Hilo and Kona. Off to the east, nothing but ocean all the way to Oregon. To the west, the Hawai’ian chain like a necklace cast into the sea. And above, her prey and her love. She was already two miles closer than she’d been yesterday, here on the volcanic peak. Time to get closer. She brought the Coronal Multi-channel Polarimeter into focus and saw its face, so clear and so near and so dear. ‘Never again, my sweet, do you get to hide anything from me,’ she whispered.” –Voshkod

“Hey, guy in the back, that’s no way to hold a sign! You have your right hand on one end of the sign and your left hand squarely in the middle, so it’s completely unbalanced. You’re really going to have to struggle to keep holding it, without some support on the other end. Do you know nothing about ‘the principle of moments’? Have you never heard of the concept of ‘torque’? And yet you have the audacity to claim that you’re a source of information???” –seismic-2

“Everyone is picturing varying levels of Having A Bad Time in ‘the real world’ (math is hard, job’s not that great, getting bullied, getting rabies, dying alone wandering through an endless wood) except Momma Keane, who is cleaning up everyone else’s shit at home but imagining an uneventful but probably pleasantly boring grocery trip. The domestic labor gap is real.” –Cornelius Disaster

“Today’s Blondie is dangerously specific about what Dagwood does for a living. Usually they keep it vague to avoid angry letter-writing campaigns from their readers who loathe auditoriums.” –matt w

“Time is money, Bumstead … but we still need to stall for at least two throwaway panels.” –TheDiva

“Katherine, I have to plunge out there into the outside world and show everyone my ridiculous hat!” –Bob Tice

“If it’s not banned by Congress, TikTokers will inevitably stumble upon old vaudeville acts and, like that short-lived sea-shanty craze in early 2021, make that a trend. Too bad the creators of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith won’t find out about it until six months after it dies off, and fail to create animated shorts from their archive of material to get renewed interest in this century old strip.” –Philip

“Alan is going to the movies every day, just in case Ann shows up there. Ann likes movies, right? ‘THE POPCORN COSTS ALONE ARE GOING TO BANKRUPT US, ALAN!’ ‘KUNG FU PANDA 4 IS OUT! ANN LOVES JACK BLACK AND SHE NEEDS HER FAMILY, KATHERINE!’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Mary, I enjoy every day I spend with you. Which is what, two days a year? Three if we’re counting Christmas.” –Schroduck

“Okay, so that’s the villain in panel one. You can tell because he’s ugly, and he’s drinking, and he has poor trigger discipline. In the Deep Woods, only one man is allowed to violate the 4 Cardinal Rules of Firearm Safety, and he wears Lycra to do it!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Is it just me or has Jeff’s face suddenly become grotesquely swollen? I hope so because the possibility that he’s suddenly allergic to coffee or crackers or candles and his experiencing anaphylaxis without either him or Mary noticing is more plausible and interesting than this conversation they’re having.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Being in nature gives me such peace. Like the Botanic Garden. Everyone plant carefully in its place, trimmed and cut back when it grows too much, invasive plants and animals ruthlessly destroyed, everything planned and pruned and perfect, just like nature itself. It’s like the poet said, Mary: ‘Nature, led to root without flaw.’” –Voshkod

“‘So you’ve drawn a dog before, right?’ ‘Sure have. Look!’ [Incoherent Screaming]” –Old Man Shadow

“We’ve entered the perpetual death loop now. Mary and Jeff worked up an appetite on their earlier walk, so they went to eat at the Bum Boat, but now they want to walk off their meal with a leisurely stroll, which will result in them working up an appetite again, so they’ll return to the Bum Boat for a bite or stop by Mary’s kitchen for muffins, then they’ll need another digestive amble, and on and on it will go forever. They’re not even talking about Keith anymore, but on the bright side, they’re not talking about Keith anymore.” –jroggs

“I can’t remember Gil ever wearing a suit while coaching … anything. I can’t remember him coaching either, so I have to assume he’s scheming with this person to steal a car from the valet parking.” –Kevin on Earth

“While running at high speed, Gertie is sticking her head out of the car window and tailgates the car immediately in front of her. The only thing she learned from NASCAR is that car accidents are simply part of the game.” –Ettorre

“If you ever wondered what couples say to each other immediately before completing a suicide pact, now you know.” –Hibbleton

“Knowing that there would be a full moon that evening, did Mary and Jeff google quotes about light and darkness before their date, or are they old enough that they pulled out their respective copies Bartlett’s Quotations?” –Weaselboy

“Yesterday we learn today is World Sleep Day, and today Dagwood is celebrating by not only being conscious at work, but also actively good at his job? He’s not even putting people to sleep with his presentation! #NotMyDag” –Drew Funk

“I was going to complain about the ‘Elsewhere’ narration suggesting that the kidnappers immediately manifested at Warbucks’ place, but the business about it being 8 o’clock makes clear that they did immediately manifest at Warbucks’ place. Are Sirob and Warbucks working out of the same building? That’ll make for some awkward elevator conversation.” –matt w

“[crossing off ‘Hawaii’ and ‘Arizona excluding the Navajo Nation’ on my massive conspiracy board of where the Flagstons live]” –Schroduck

“The saddest day of my life was the time I didn’t realize it was the day I needed to adjust my clocks until I read Hi and Lois. I swear, if I ever learn anything from Dustin I’m walking into a forest never to interact with civilization again.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“The real crime mystery is who stole Slick Smitty’s nipples.” –Baja Gaijin

“God the look on that beaver’s face is bleak. And for good reason: even his pre-‘event’ ancestors were hydraulic engineers, and here he is sweeping out chimneys like a common squirrel. Looks like the revolution didn’t pan out for everyone.” –pugfuggly

“I also thought it was Jeffy speaking the first line, and that the woman had a great comeback. Adults should get a chance to say a darndest thing once in a while, too!” –Peanut Gallery

“How exactly do you know someone’s dead in Judge Parker? Because stiff, wooden and cold ain’t exactly a dividing line here.” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“It’s either this or a gun obsession. Yay?” –taig

“The elevator inspector’s face looks like it’s tired of telling the gasoline lobbyists that, yes, while it’s technically possible to create a lift that is powered directly by fossil fuels, ventilation safety and the absolutely certaint carbon monoxide poisoning mean he cannot approve it and they must use electricity. That is the spark that broke the stranglehold of gasoline on this backward city.” –Philip

“Todays Mary Worth is giving me a definite ‘Recently-retired readers! Are you in a black depression because, absent your former work, your life lacks structure and purpose? Have you considered a hobby?’ feeling.” –Ken

“At last, the kind of wrestling I’m used to seeing on TV. If they start smashing each other with folding chairs, this will finally be an amateur sport worth watching. ‘Can you smell what the [public school student who probably took this up just to get out of running drills in gym class and now might be arrested for attempted manslaughter] is cooking?!!!’” –BigTed

“The word’s also out that the only sexually available female at Camp Swampy loves Rodgers and Hammerstein. Tomorrow: Killer, Plato, Rocky, and Zero perform ‘There is Nothing Like a Dame,’ and get court-martialed for being waaaay out of uniform.” –ValdVin

“Are we sure these three characters just like to sleep? We have a middle-aged man stuck in a dead-end job with an abusive boss, a soldier without career advancements with a physically abusive sergeant, and a cat trapped indoors without stimuli. Maybe they are all just clinically depressed.” –Ettorre

“Here’s the thing that bothers me. If the ‘slug’ in ‘slugfest’ refers to literal slugs, rather than slugging someone, there’s nothing in there that suggests it’s a fight at all. Would this be funnier if these bewildered boxing fans were instead watching a crowd of slugs partying it up at SlugFest of the Century, the centennial gastropod convention? Perhaps not, but it wouldn’t be any less funny either.” –Horace Broon

“You have to sympathize with Harry here. It’s pretty hard to get it up when your spouse cannot get through a simple act of procreation without rambling about cheap places to buy abandoned children.” –jroggs

“They’re in the business of old-timey presentation paperboards and pointing sticks. And business is … not good.” –Bill Loguidice

“I recognize that car — it’s a TP Cruiser.” –Dyna Moe