Archive: metaposts

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Hey guys! I actually got my act together this month enough to promote my monthly comedy show a full week in advance! If you’re going to be in the LA area a week from today, I strongly urge you to come see me and these other funny people perform, at 8 pm, at the Clubhouse in Los Feliz!

If you are a fan of my humor sensibility from this site, I think you will really like this show — it’s always a good time, it’s in a fun, intimate space, and, shockingly for central LA, parking is free and plentiful. Literally what do you have to lose? Nothing, that’s what! I hope to see you there — here’s the Facebook event, if those are helpful to you!

You don’t have to leave the safety of your home in order to enjoy the comment of the week:

“On the one hand, MJ is saving Albuquerque from very slow annihilation. On the other hand, she is probably committing tax fraud by hiring people and not making the required FICA contributions. I guess that makes her an antihero? Like in Watchmen?” –A Concerned Reader

The runners up are also here for you!

“Ma Keane seems surprisingly placid as she prepares to sit down with her cup of tea. Now that she’s finally given up on helping, disciplining, or cleaning up after her kids, the rest of the day must look pretty sweet.” –BigTed

“In an age when cruise lines are constantly trying to outdo each other with Broadway shows, amusement park-style activities, celebrity chef-designed menus, IMAX theaters, themed events, and enrichment opportunities, Toby’s copy is particularly pathetic. ‘Mary, look, this ship allows you to walk on the deck! And they feed you and everything — no packing sandwiches for us!’” –TheDiva

“Apparently when Daddy Keane blows his children a kiss, he does it very forcefully, and with his mouth full of butterscotch pudding.” –Joe Btfsplk

“The bold print makes Rex Morgan more unsettling than necessary. ‘I’ve always wanted a house FULL of CHILDREN. That won’t happen for Milton and me. I mean, a child only fills one cubic foot of space! You’d need the entire under-15 population of NYC to fill our mansion! No, we’ll only be able to have a breakfast nook FULL of CHILDREN at best.’” –Schroduck

“They used to carry a pocketknife to whittle? When? 1915? Back when they would whittle little toy boats for plugger boys to sail down the creek, on their way to the ol’ swimmin’ hole, followed up by a neighborhood sandlot game, half the boys in whoopie caps, fueled on penny candy from the five and dime? What happened to those days? Ah, a plugger knows it was jazz music that brought it all down. Jazz brought loose morals and laziness to what used to be an upright, industrious nation of bear-and-chicken marriages. And don’t say we were prejudiced back then! We tolerated dog-and-kangaroo couples, too! (Just not in our neighborhoods, God help us.)” –Larry McAwful

“If believing that June smacks her child on the back of the head every time grownups talk about sex around him makes me a bad person then I don’t want to be a good person.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Priapic, Heather. The word you’re groping for is priapic.” –But What Do I Know?

“Oh, yeah? If Dennis the Menace is so satanic, then why did his parents have a cross branded into his chest, hmm? (Nevermind, I think I just answered my own question.)” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I need your day laborers, who are all uniformly dressed and definitely not prisoners on loan in an off-the-books scheme, to give me a hand with something. Then we’ll need to cross state lines — you cool? Here’s some money.” –Chareth Cutestory

“No hoosier is going to go on a cruise during March Madness. It is a felony in the state.” –Marty Worthless

“Mary’s gonna meddle that second piercing right out of Mrs. Hoosier’s lobe. ‘Two earrings are only for confused teen boys and trollops, my dear.’” –Pat Ferruzza, on Facebook

“Well, a bird has already pooped on the young lady’s head and I’m guessing the guy is about to walk into a hornets nest. I’d watch too.” –Kevin On Earth

“Ugh. I hate this guy already. What’s his name again? Dick Hoosebag? I can’t bear to look at him again to find out. Anyway, I really hope Hoosebag falls over the railing trying to sneak a smoke. ‘Smoking kills’ –Albert Camus” –Mikey

“That cartoon in Family Circus is the most intriguing thing I’ve seen all week: the dapper suit matched with the glum expression and dead stare directed right at the audience is leaving me as enthralled as Jeffy. ‘Today, kids, we’re going to learn a valuable lesson about ennui.’” –Drew Funk

“What’s great about Gil Thorp is that it captures the way today’s teenagers really talk … when they’re being forced at gunpoint to read dialogue from cue cards written by 55-year-old men. ‘Say, friend, do you enjoy that newfangled electronic dance music?’ ‘No thanks, old chum. I prefer the rap music that the young people are listening to these days. W-was that good? Can we go?’” –Joe Blevins

“Gen. Halftrack lost his balls in the woods? I feel like we’re missing some crucial backstory here. [I … I am better than that. OK, regroup…] Hey! I think I know what kind of cancer Mr. Hoosier has! Hair cancer. Seriously, what’s up with his hair? [Oh my. I think I need to lie down.]” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I’m thankful he didn’t say ‘We’d welcome some cruise hacks.’” –Arabella

“In silhouette it appears the getaway driver has a ponytail. New level of depravity, baby, new level of depravity.” –Northernlurker

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
  • Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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“I know we live in a time where rural and urban Americans’ views have never been further apart, but I think we can all agree that a medical practice staff is no place to celebrate adorable dingbats. Our shared history suggests the place where we should celebrate them is on the production lines of the confectionery manufacturing industry.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“Sarah is pleased. She will be set loose among a horde of middle-class children — so much easier to control than the spoiled residents of Welton, and so much smarter! They will make ideal minions, and come the revolution they will wear her uniform!” –Droopy Says

Marvin belies the notion of a philosophical absolute as even Gandhi can be moved to punch a baby.” –Hibbleton

“I’m just annoyed that Angry Bear is wearing a safety helmet but not steel-toed work boots! You think fur and toe pads are going to protect you from saw accidents or falling debris? Where is Animal OSHA on this?” –pugfuggly

“My daughters would recount middle-school conversations using the ‘on fleek’ phrase about four years ago. So it’s working its way up the pop culture landscape. Next stop: bingo night at St. Anthony’s.” –Rusty

“I hope these bears understand the concept of modern forestry management or soon they’ll have no place to shit.” –Mikey

“Of course, gender stereotypes are enforced. The girl has a pink shirt, the boy’s is blue. The baby wears a yellow onesie because gender characteristics have not developed yet. And Billy did not even bring a shirt to the office because Billy don’t wear no shirt, motherfucker.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Jeffy is surveying his Band-Aid brand adhesive bandage as if he were an inmate judging a new prison tat. Now if anyone messes with him, the entire Johnson & Johnson line of products has his back.” –Drew Funk

“To be fair to Dr. Jeff, I’ve had a bad case of Plot Device Knee before. It really hurts.” –boojum

“The chipmunk was taxidermied, then placed back into the wild. Nothing sinister happening here, friends! Not a cruel science experiment. Merely that thing I just described.” –Victor Von

CHIPSTERMUNK” –Truckosaurus

“Suddenly she realized she had blurted it out — she was the Office Mangler, the serial killer hunted throughout Gasoline Alley for her long series of horrible murders involving office supplies. The three-hole punch in her hand grew warm.” –Voshkod

“This story arc is just setting us up for the point where Little Otis shaves his head and starts feasting on animal carcasses which, I have to admit, I’m looking forward to.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“I actually think that rocking chair is pretty menacing on the part of Dennis’ parents. You just know that sooner or later he’s going to get restless enough to bash his head into the wall.” –BigTed

“The lady in Crankshaft is frantically texting for help.” –Pozzo

“Pluggers keep watching NCIS until they find a murder method they can get away with.” –Sequitur

“Is that yet another new plugger couple? Isn’t ‘not liking new things’ sort of the essence of pluggerhood? Is Pluggers in some kind of crisis?” –Uncle Lumpy

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
  • Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Hello all! I will refrain from any further Irishisms and just go straight into the comment of the week:

There are a lot of staircases here at Welton Green, but there are elevators too. It’s been, what, more than a quarter century since the Americans With Disabilities Act was passed, and don’t get me started on how long it’s been since the invention of the elevator. Yes sir, we’re all about modernization here at Welton Green. Just ask the servants.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

The runners up are also very funny!

“When all you can afford is the Off, off, off, off, off Broadway ticket prices.” –Paula Gehringer, on Facebook

“It’s interesting that Beetle has included ‘Bread of Roses’ among the improbably punny list of local restaurant names. It makes no sense — who would want rose-favored bread? — so he probably means it as code for ‘bread and roses,’ a slogan of striking labor unionists in the early 20th century. It sounds as if the terrible food, lousy working conditions and constant beatings Sarge and the rest of the Camp Swampy brass provide their soldiers are about to catch up with them.” –BigTed

“The Glutton’s Grill seems pretty straightforward about the kind of clientele it’s trying to attract. The food’s probably great, but try not to watch your fellow patrons for too long. Please keeps your limbs inside your booth.” –Cloudbuster

“‘You’re listening to Irony-FM, guaranteed contrast with your surroundings 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!’ Of course, this being the Funkyverse, they probably just play that song on a loop.” –Applemask

“Admittedly, Mary’s coup-meddling game is untested. But whether she ends up blindfolded in front of a brick wall or gazing upon her people from a palace balcony, the journey would indeed be awesome.” –Johnny Knuckles

“I think the real horror here is the fact that the house is at the top of a hill. For any middle-aged-or-older Batiuk character, that’s a terrifying prospect.” –Joe Blevins

“One thing you gotta respect about Doc: when he’s had enough of your inane chit-chat, he doesn’t mince words.” –pugfuggly

“If you’ve got the green, you’re always welcome at Welton Green.” –Zerowolf

“I feel that a bigger question is raised by that fish skeleton. What horrible crime did that fish commit against the citizenry of Animaltopia, such that the punishment was to be devoured alive by the Lord High Executioner Cat?” –Dmsilev

“It says a lot about Mary and Jeff’s relationship that when he needs care and support he goes to someone else and she leaves town.” –Aphthakid

“The majority of the upcoming arc is going to be taken up by Mary trying to post ‘Ask Wendy’ over the ship’s crappy, overpriced wi-fi.” –TheDiva

“A month from now, Wilbur sees a copy of the Tobago Times being used to stoke a curbside funeral pyre in an attempt to keep up with the Ebola outbreak. ‘Just make two lists, good stuff and stuff you want to avoid,’ Ask Wendy says, in answer to a woman who wants to know if it would be okay to tell a neighbor to not yell at her children. ‘Check with Jesus, he’s the big boss man. Remember, prison sucks.’ That’s when he finds out that his beloved column has been handed down to Tommy Beedle.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

Each day they would feed us and then take us to the woods to go to the bathroom, one at a time. At first I was a little bladder shy, but then I began to learn that the guns pointed at me were to help as motivation. I’ll tell you, I’ve never had more regular movements in my life. It’s great being on schedule now. The daylight saving time adjustment didn’t even affect me this year.” –Chareth Cutestory

“You idealists believe that a gift economy would be efficient as a market economy and develop human relations! Snuffy Smith is here to dispel any illusion about a pastoral Arcadia!” –Ettorre

“Dennis practices sitting on a throne and making subjects kneel before him. Pretty menacing if you ask me!” –Tom the Sailor Man

“Detective Brack scowls at the boys as they tell their story. ‘That’s it? They made you go to the bathroom one at a time? What kind of half-baked scheme was this? I need some heavier torture if I’m going to be played by Jessica Chastain in a dramatic movie about how I brought these people to justice.’” –Drew Funk

This is Ed’s ‘Capone Getting Busted for Tax Evasion’ Moment.” –Little Guy

“First they came for Crankshaft, and I said nothing. [pause] I think we’re actually all okay with that. [looks around, everyone’s nodding]” –Dan

“As part of their settlement with Carnival Cruises over their Wilbur and the sinking cruise ship storyline, Mary Worth will now run a week of strips shamelessly promoting how safe and enjoyable cruises are.” –Dread

“The ‘Charterstone Chow’ pellets may be nothing to write home about, but what they’re really here for is the Lemonade Jello — ‘Looks just like a real glass of lemonade!'” –Glod Glodson

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon! And as ever, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history with the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
  • Oh hey, and don’t forget, I wrote a book! You can get it in hardback, paperback, or ebook forms. It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy.

If you would like to buy advertising on the Comics Curmudgeon, and get a text shoutout in these posts, get the details on my BuySellAds page.

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Comments are closed.