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Metapost: YOUR! COMMENTS! OF! THE WEEK!

What’s that? It’s Friday? Must be COMMENT OF THE WEEK TIME!

‘Li’l’? Snooty know-it-all Margaret would never stoop to such a plebeian contraction. Unless she’s being condescending and is pronouncing it with audible air quotes, just to let the boys know that she’s aware of their respective social positions. Who’s the real menace here?” –Pozzo

And also time for the hilarious runner-up comments!

“My daughter is 14 months old. To my mind ‘little stranger’ isn’t quite extreme enough. We love the little alien but — speaking as a man who was just handed a saliva-covered PS3 remote — she’s weirder than anything I’ve ever seen outside of a zoo.” –Victor Von

‘Didja hear th’ news, Loweezy?’ asks Suzy as she leaves the doctor’s office literally minutes after learning of her own pregnancy. ‘Shore did, Suzy!’ replies Loweezy. ‘Can’t no gubmint-made laws ’bout medical privacy keep down the gossipin’ round here!’ They both laugh.” –logicbutton

Slylock Fox is the go-to comic if you want to teach your kids how to deconstruct an alibi provided by a wild animal accused of a crime. I really can’t think of any other resource that fills that niche.” –hogenmogen

“The young miss Dingdon has to send her son to the Aging Chair for a while, where he metamorphoses from a rambunctious young lad who loves to play with his blank yellow mannequin and do The Robot at inopportune times to a strapping twenty-year-old who has no interest in the horror movie his gramma has left on, and only enjoys using his iPad electronic device.” –Jack loves comics

“Maybe things are more formal in California, but around here, women who are in Hanna Dingdon’s demographic, with Hanna Dingdon’s hairstyle and lack of assertiveness, very seldom wear suits unless they are headed somewhere really special, and by ‘really special,’ I don’t mean ‘grocery store’ or ‘ophthalmologist.’ Donning a suit for a day of hanging around one’s condo does not happen, is what I’m saying.” –Poteet

“Didn’t Funky have a heart attack last time he tried to run? Like … a few months ago? Well, at least they’re already all wearing black.” –Dan

“An excellent strip for code-talking Congressmen — what they say, and what they mean: ‘Excellent work Mark’ (i.e., ‘GREAT photo op for me!’) ‘Thank you, Congressman Gowdy!’ (‘Thank you, Congressman Greedy!’) ‘If you are planning on going back to Africa soon, perhaps we here in Washington could help organize a conservation effort?’ (‘There’s graft a’plenty for everyone in this deal’) ‘It’s something I would consider if it’s properly funded…’ (‘There better be plenty of butter on my slice of the bread’) ‘…but for now I’m headed home…’ (‘where’s the nearest gay bar?’) ‘…it’s been a while since I’ve seen my family! (‘I need to take a shit after that long flight!’)” –Dennis Jimenez

“Notice that Les proudly sports the number 1, indicating his level of importance in the Lisa’s Legacy run. Funky, meanwhile, has chosen to go with a number that matches the number of years that he’s hated his life and silently longed for death.” –Digger

“Spider-Man feels a certain connection with Ox because they both have the same problem with inanimate objects. ‘Ah, the old Steel Pillar Head Trauma — not as stylish as the Brick to the Back of the Head, but still a classic.’” –Marcus Theory

“Sure, Dennis Mitchell may have lost a little (or a lot) of his menace over the years, but look at what’s happened to Snuffy Smith. This used to be a moonshining, chicken-stealing wild man with an arrest record as long as your arm. And now? Well, now he builds artisanal birdhouses. To which I say: just move to Williamsburg and get it over with, poseur. Next, he’ll start playing the ukulele.” –Joe Blevins

“One way to make sense of the two park-goers is if they have actually been standing there for hours, the giant Sarge-Tunnel fixed in the corner of their eyes, too terrified to look at it head-on and too petrified to flee. Every hour, park vendors (blind and hence safe) offer them food, which they silently purchase as their minds are gradually maddened into pure horrifying Snorkel. Hence the park profits by (as Beetle understates) ‘making the rides scarier.’” –Lenoxus

“And of course, when dressing him this morning — or rather, when she was buying his clothes at Goodwill — his mom decided that putting a big fat zero on Joey’s chest seems just about right. You’re bubkis, Joey. Nada. Everyone who knows you knows that, but you might meet some new people today.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Dennis and Margaret laughed. Joey stared at the ground, remembering his grandfather’s stories of the 1908 Ticklian Massacre in Chucklestan and his promise to never be ashamed of his heritage.” –pugfuggly

“Well, here’s a how-de-do! Mary is obligated to pair all women of marriageable age (i.e., between 14 and whatever Mary is) with suitable mates. But she is also obligated to shame Amy for daring to think her life has a purpose and meaning outside of her little proto-Rusty. Can she reconcile these conflicting objectives? Or will her programming malfunction and short-circuit?” –TheDiva

This poor kid was fucked from the word ‘Go’. He’s a ginger named Gordon Dingdon, for God’s sake, and apart from his mother and grandmother screaming at each other, the only social stimuli he receives come from a faceless doll and a Cold War era mouse cartoon animated by Joe Giella. ‘Have a good day at school, Gordon! Try not to get the ever living shit beat out of yourself again today!’” –Mikey

“A decent publisher would’ve saved the impotent struggling for a strip that ran on a Monday, but not these heartless ghouls.” –Chareth Cutestory

NNHHH!!! Marvel Comics Inc. is no fool. This panel was designed for future commercial use, when someone in marketing realized that the generation that started out on Flintstone vitamins is now ready for Spider-Man Metamucil.” –seismic-2

“You know General Halftrack is thinking, ‘Shit, how many times have I told Cookie to label the white phosphorus so he wouldn’t mistake it for table salt again? Just what I need, another trip to the Hague to answer for ‘torture’ and ‘crimes against humanity’. I miss World War II when you could expose ’em to radiation, chemicals, whatever and no one batted an eye. Wait … was I alive for World War II? How old am I supposed to be? Did I age? Is it still World War II? Eh, where’s the fucking scotch.’” –Comrade Dread

“If only there was a way I could crawl straight up, like some sort of insect or something, then I could slip out of these chains around my chest. But that would only work if my body were narrower around the legs then around my torso. I guess I’m doomed.” –grsblvnyk

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Metapost: It’s the comments … of the week!

What? Another Friday? That means another comment of the week!

“Fear not, Josh. Already Jack’s face is congealing, Terminator-style, back into the form of a standard issue Apartment 3-G suitor, and Carol has developed a case of Peter Pan collar. Soon they will be restored to factory settings, and this story will end.” –pastordan

And some more very funny runners up!

Blondie lacks ‘smart’ dog door tech? Look for upcoming strips about cars without shoulder belts, the hassle of dial telephones, and lawn darts. (That last one doubles as a tearful goodbye to neighbor Herb.)” –Ed Dravecky

“Hanna won’t rely on her daughter to drive around. Emerson inculcated in her a philosophy of self-reliance. I see this one getting meddled off into the woods to live deliberately, or possibly die deliberately, given her advanced age and declining faculties.” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“The thing I find most intriguing is that ‘Brick Bull’ is referred to as the ‘Bully Bull.’ I mean, his name’s Brick Bull, for God’s sake! Just how badass do you have to make him?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So, I tried to go to LuannComic.com, to find out about the guest artist, but it just brought me to the GoComics site. Is this some sort of joke? Oh, wait, it’s Luann and it’s not funny — so, yes, probably a joke.” –bbofun

“The jury cat appears terrified. ‘He knows the bull is colorblind! Soon enough, he’s going to tell the jury that cats really can’t see in total darkness, just very dim light! There goes my street cred!’” –hogenmogen

“You’ve heard of ‘Stone Soup?’ Well, ‘Butt Stew’ is pretty much the opposite of that. It does not encourage people to share, I’ll tell you that much.” –Dan

“I feel like there’s some subtle passive-aggressiveness lying just under the surface of this friendly conversation between naturalists. ‘Sure, I bruised my ankle and had to walk through some rough areas, but my love of saving endangered rhinos is what brought me here. What brought you here, Mark? A magazine story you wanted to write? For money? Well, I guess we can’t all be as dedicated to the rhinos as we’d like to be.’” –pugfuggly.

The maps are on the table inside! First we go to the airport; I have a C-5A waiting. They’ll load us up and fly us out. The drop is from 5000 meters over the Al Jaghbub Oasis. I’ve equipped the RV with a large drag chute, so she’ll be drivable when we land. We’ll meet my contacts there and arm their forces. We’ve got 200 FN FALs and about 20 Forty-Nines for the officers. Always go Belgian when you’re arming mercenaries, right? I packed a BRG-15 or two just in case, food and water for 250 for four weeks. Then it’s a straight drive to the northeast and we seize Marsa Matruh, put up our new flag and, just like that, you’re the Emir of Parkerstan! Abby can be the Minster of Defense, Neddy the Finance Minister, and I’ll be the shadowy head of the intelligence services. It’s a real family outing!” –Voshkod

“In the Trail-verse, you’re required to maintain at least one car length between each participant in a conversation. Sure, it’s tough on the vocal cords, having to shout everything in BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS constantly, but it’s worth it because the chance of accidental unwanted physical contact is zero.” –Joe Blevins

“Speaking of ponies, it appears the old lady’s bridle is being adjusted.” –jim, some guy in iowa

“Has Ms. Pierpont kept that hippie imprisoned for the last 40 years? Does … does he know what happened to rock music?” –Chyron HR

These artists are amazing! I wouldn’t have thought it possible to convey ‘smugly mugging for canned sitcom laughter’ in such a crude art style, but remarkably, they pulled it off!” –bunivasal

“Why would you do something that gives you enormous pleasure, like eating cookies from a jar on an easily accessible shelf, after an authority figure told you not to? I guess I’ll never understand children.” –BigTed

“Its been forever since Curmudgeon readers have submitted photos reenacting the comics, but I think panel one is perfect. I’m going to go practice swinging a handgun around while someone throws a snake at me. What’s the worst that could happen?” –Chareth Cutestory

‘Pluggerville’? Is that a planned community, or some sort of quarantine complex?’ –C. Sandy Cyst

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Enjoy some comments of the week!

Good morning! Would you like to read this week’s top comment? Well, here you go! Have at it!

“I question the split-window design on the back door of that yellow sedan. ‘Ride in style with one window that can’t possibly roll down and another no more than a few inches wide in your new 1993 Oldsmobuick!’” –Ed Dravecky (on Facebook)

Oh, also, would you like to read the runners-up, which are also funny? Go to town!

“Context is vital here. At work, Leroy’s younger, more hirsute, not-yet-defeated-by-life coworker came bounding up to him with the news that he was going to ask his longtime girlfriend to marry him. Leroy didn’t even look up from his computer. ‘Mmm-hmmm,’ he said in a disinterested voice. ‘Listen, before you do that, why don’t you stop by our house this weekend?’ When his coworker asked why, Leroy just said something about ‘instructing’ him. The moment depicted in this panel is from Hour 5 of that instruction. The coworker’s heavy, heavy eyelids mean the process is working.” –Joe Blevins

“The Number 2 on his shirt is a clue as to what he did, the naughty boy.” –debussy fields

Mary Worth: “‘Too many parents think of their children as an inconvenience,’ says the woman whose lack of any immediate family leaves her endless time to meddle in others’ lives, as she lounges poolside in her idyllic beach-town condo complex and considers another serving of lemonade and cookies.” –BigTed

“Hey, kid. The guy who coaches your team had an ambulance parked next to the field so that he could make a joke about how shitty the team is. Do you know how much an ambulance costs? Couldn’t you just die of embarrassment? No? How about if I told you the guy he’s talking to isn’t stoned and hasn’t had a stroke, that dopey look on his face is a smirk. And his name is Les Moore — Les Moore, a pun, get it? Now do you want to die of embarrassment?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You want to eat out? Bring it up a couple hours before someone cooks for you. ‘This is No-Win City, and politeness is on my alderman’s agenda! Oh man, here come the traffic laws of basic civility!’” –Dan

“Cower in terror, O ye dogs of the street, for the Day of Judgement is upon you! For behold, the Angel of the Lord is astride his Pale Horse, blowing his trumpet! Today you shall account for all your sins, ye mongrels of the gutter!” –Perky Bird

“Pluggers don’t recognize eye parasites until it’s too late. They also have great fun with their fleas, ticks, and guinea worms. ‘Ah, look at ’em, poking his head out from my skin. He thinks he’s a plugger!’” –Voshkod

“I think the EPA might have this one right. Bonfires that black out the sun and turn day into night can’t possibly be good for the ecology.” –Brad

“If Olive were still with Mary, she could have warned Mary in time to prevent the accident. Where is your all-seeing tummy brain now?” –AhClem

“We can’t talk about it now, Carol! There are readers present!” –Cloudbuster

“Most comic characters have 4 sausage-like fingers on each hand. I can deal with this cartoonish simplicity. Beetle Bailey’s Cookie reduces this number to 3. In a few years, the strip will be inhabited by characters whose arms end in a flesh mitten. And from there, perhaps a singular, floppy knob to wrap around equally minimally drawn objects of indiscriminate purpose.” –hogenmogen

We did all we could, Mark, but I’m afraid he’s gone! As soon as we turned our backs, he jumped out the window, stole one of the cars, and drove off, screaming something about ‘one-horned bastards’. Can you break the news to his lady friend?” –Enlong

“Mark Trail does not mourn. He merely closes his eyes, and somewhere, an eagle weeps.” –Jack loves comics

“Something was missing. Compassion. I spent all day emptying bed pans and dealing with sick people and their really gross diseases and festering injuries, and did I hear one word of sympathy from Margo or Lu Ann? No. How could anyone be that self-absorbed?” –cheech wizard

That sounds more romantic than ‘Rotovirus Quarantine.’” –Kevin on Earth

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.