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Metapost: Unlucky Star Trek survey-filling return to the comment of the week!

Hello, all! Some administrative things before I get to the long-awaited comment of the week! First off, everyone who contributed to the fundraiser should’ve gotten thank-you notes at this point. (If you didn’t, shoot me an email at jfruh@jfruh.com, and update whatever email you have on record at PayPal!) Everyone who donated more than $25 also got a link to a survey to fill out if they wanted a tote bag! I thought had been pretty clear that you needed to put your name and address into the text box on this survey, but apparently I wasn’t, because some people just put their address, or just put “yes” or some variation thereupon. If you think you are one of those people, please go fill out the survey again! I’ve made what you’re supposed to do more obvious now. If you think you are one of those people and have deleted the email from me with the link, please shoot me an email at jfruh@jfruh.com and I’ll re-send it.

ALSO: I know this is basically no notice, but if you are in Los Angeles tonight and are looking for fun entertainment in which I will say humorous things at you, consider this standup show of Star Trek themed material, tonight at 7 pm! It’s Karma Lounge in Koreatown, 3954 Beverly Boulevard.

There are drinks and a full kitchen! And nerd jokes! What could you possible have to lose? Here’s the Facebook event, please come!

And now, finally, at long last, your new comment of the week!

“So Mary Worth remains subdued, conventional, and four-panel during the week, but on Sundays explodes into vibrant and amazing art so far beyond the conventional weekday routine as to be fantastic. This is the least moving tribute to Bill Watterson ever.” –Dragon of Life

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I’m saying you better get that tongue limbered up because I’m out of batteries, too.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“You know you’re a plugger when the ‘shot glass’ you used in college holds eight ounces, because you were in college during Prohibition.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Your life just gets crazier. Back in college you were merely drunk every night. Now you take so many interacting drugs you think you’re a Keeshond in a flannel shirt.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

I recognize you, Xandu — a sorcerer of regrettable moustache. So, what do you kids think of my jolly unicorn? I call her ‘Strawberry Shortcake!’ You can pet her if you want!” –Ukulele Ike

“We could sit around all day discussing the particulars about how storylines and plot points and all the elements that go into crafting an engaging, riveting tale. For now, though, let’s just acknowledge this unfolding masterpiece — a bus, stuck in traffic, desires to escape traffic.” –Chareth Cutestory

“I will never tire of Mary Jane reacting to supernatural events with a vague sense of detached annoyance. Spending so much time with Peter seems to have completely worn away her ability to even feign interest.” –Enlong

“Where does a major player like Nightmare recognize Xandu from? Is there a scouting service which identifies up-and-coming sorcerers? Is there a magic combine? Does the book on Xandu read, ‘Good with restraining spells but prone to irrational bouts of infatuation. Needs to work on his banter to reach the next level. Spells Above Replacement 1.2.'” –But What Do I Know?

“In the context of a 6-1 loss, ‘ripped a double’ means he shat his pants and the bed.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Judge Hiatt is the toughest around when it comes to drunk driving. Drunk anything for that matter. What did you blow: a .09? That lady needs .09 just to get her gavel-hand steady.” –Irrischano

“Whoops! I think the artist has given Jeff entirely the wrong facial expression in panel one. That particular face is only to be used when he’s telling his wife something like, ‘Marvin’s asleep. I soaked his Zwieback in whiskey, so he should be out for hours. Wanna try and fail to have sex?’ It’s perfect for that, but all wrong for a chat with the IT guy at work.” –Joe Blevins

“ATTENTION PARENTS: THERE’S A DEADLY NEW DRUG CRAZE SWEEPING THE NATION’S YOUTH! What you don’t know about BUTTERFLY SNIFFING could KILL YOUR CHILDREN! Find out the tell-tale signs and what you can do to protect your family, tonight on Action News 11!” –pugfuggly

“Know what I miss the most? Cigarettes blocking out the foul aftertaste of drinking urine samples!” –hogenmogen

Applesauce is a nice way to make tough birds softer and its sweetness pairs well with gamier poultry. So I second Roz’s horrified expression; who in their right mind would consider eating vulture when there is so much chicken and duck available in their town?” –Alex Blaze

“Wait, Tawdry Windfall isn’t a character in the strip? Maybe it’s the search words one uses to find Judge Parker on Google.” –maltmash3r

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Book tourin’, break-takin’ COTW!

Hi everybody! Huge thanks to all you wonderful people who came out to my DC and Baltimore book tour events — I had a blast meeting and talking to you. Those of you at either end of New York State: I am coming your way next week, so please plan your lives accordingly!

  • May 2, 7 pm, at the City Reliquary in Brooklyn!
  • May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo!
  • If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

    And to give me a little breathing room as I lean into the second half of my trip, I am handing the keys to the site to your beloved Uncle Lumpy for the next week or so. He’ll start tomorrow and be in the driver’s seat until Sunday, May 8. Be nice and don’t get into the liquor cabinet while I’m gone!

    And meanwhile, here’s the comment of the next couple weeks, since Uncle Lumpy can’t bear choose amongst you:

    Skitter, the social media platform where cockroach politicians accidentally post pictures of their genitalic hooks.” –Dagger

    The runners up are also hilarious!

    “Torture sheds, or hot boxes, are an old tradition. Making them too small to stand up in is basic. But really, the combo of lowered floor and giant window is evil genius. Not only does it mean Herb will cook in the sunshine, it means Tootsie can stand outside, watching him, mocking, and waving the key to the shed forever beyond his reach.” –Downpuppy

    “More aggressive hardhat and chin-thrust profiles please. Let’s re-launch Socialist Realism!” –Lorne

    “Why youze not blooming like th’ oddas? I’d hate for to have to spill this hot coffee on ya, all accidental like.” –James Dowd, on Facebook

    “What’s really selling the book, Rex, is that new font your daughter designed. Monotype Saramond is going to ship with Windows Word!” –Voshkod

    “‘This cavern must be worth a fortune!’ thinks Mark, as he launches into his famous Ethel Merman imitation in a chorus of ‘Everything’s Coming Up Sheetrock’ from the musical Gypsum.” –seismic-2

    “I’m a little disappointed that this conversation is actually germane to the plot. That cheapens it, in a way. This stirring repartee about gypsum seems like the kind of thing Mark would do just to pass the time while trapped in a cave. Or while waiting at an airport. Or during a romantic dinner with his wife.” –Joe Blevins

    “At least the creators have enough savvy to know people nowadays take photos with their smartphone. Panel 2 could’ve had a guy in a fedora holding up an accordion camera with a giant flashbulb.” –giraffe-o

    “Ha ha, silly Dolly: drones don’t deliver life, they deliver death. Someday, when the ATF finally comes for the Kompound, you’ll understand this.” –pugfuggly

    Mary Worth: “I have no doubt that there’s nothing more that color monkeys — frustrated artists that they undoubtedly are — enjoy more than flood-filling the masters’ works with 25% gray tone. ‘I can’t get a showing the most marginal of galleries while this motherfucker’s been dead 500 years and is not only still on display in every major museum, but he gets all the sweet Mary Worth cameos. Take that, Neoplatonic ideal of human grandeur!’” –Effluvius Erratus

    “I’m always constintly at odds, a-fussin’ and a-fightin’ with my maw. Who knows what kinda psychic-a-mological reepercussins this sorta dynamic is gonna have on my relations to women later on in life, includin’ the way I treat you, Mary Beth!” –Chareth Cutestory

    “Gil’s treating this ritual with exactly as much reverence as he treats anything involving Marty Moon. It will end, as always, with the ceremonial Contemptuously Flippant Dismissal of Marty’s Opinions About the Team.” –Horace Broon

    “Ok, I recognize Rodin’s ‘The Kiss’ but is that supposed to be Degas’ liitle dancer in the glass case? Or is that the ‘Break glass in case of not succeeding with the coed you are seducing’ fixture?” –lumaca morente

    Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: COME SEE MY BOOK TOUR, I DEMAND IT (oh also COTW)

Hey y’all, my book tour is starting next week, OMG! Prepare your body and mind to attend the following events at the following times. I’ll be reading my book aloud, signing my book, and answering questions about it, and all that jazz!

Also: do you have a book podcast? (Or a comics podcast, or a public transit podcast!) Or a radio show, maybe in one of these cities? I would love to go on said podcast/radio show and talk about my novel! Email me at bio@jfruh.com to set something up.

Oh, have you managed to avoid knowing about my novel? Well, you can read the first chapter here or listen to me read the third one here.

  • April 26, 7 pm, at Upshur Books in Washington, DC!
  • April 28, 7 pm, at Atomic Books in Baltimore! I’m sharing this bill with Ariel S. Winter, who’ll be reading from his book Barren Cove.
  • May 2, 7 pm, at the City Reliquary in Brooklyn!
  • May 5, 7 pm, at Talking Leaves Books in Buffalo!
  • If you haven’t bought my novel yet and are planning on attending one of these events, I would ask that you hold out and buy it there, because that helps out the bookstores who have been nice enough to host me. (If you haven’t bought my novel yet and won’t be able to make it to any of these events, well, you know what to do.)

    OK ANYWAY ON WITH THE SHOW, HERE’S THE COTW:

    “My rule is that if the pet care book is as big or bigger than you, you are in no position to take care of a pet.” –James in North Dakota

    And the very funny runners up:

    Did you know that whales used to live on land? And that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams?” –Doctor Handsome

    “I wasn’t expecting Family Circus to be cancelled after 56 years and replaced in mid-strip by The Great Gatsby Babies, but I’m willing to roll with it.” –Chyron HR

    “I’d think lunch was pretty awesome too if I could fix my own martinis in the student cafeteria instead of the arts supply closet.” –Kevin On Earth

    “Yes, I think lunch is pretty awesome, too. Hey, I’ve got an idea that might sound a bit pretentious… Since I went ahead and became a professor and we are at an institution of higher learning, do you want to try bumping up the level of conversation? No? Ok, well lunch is awesome and homework is poopy.” –Chareth Cutestory

    “Dawn honors The Sandwich with the attendant silverware, just as she cups her hands in thankful prayer to the Most Righteous John Montagu, the Fourth Earl Of Sandwich. KNEEL, you ersatz art historian! You know nothing of art! This is art!” –Sgt Saunders

    “I’ll have the tan sandwich, medium flat, extra rigid, please!” –Red Delicious

    “So just apropos of nothing, Hagar decides to quiz his compatriot on religious doctrine? ‘What are the seven deadly sins? I’m trying to break them all, and I’m not sure. I straight up murdered the priest in our last raid, so I can’t ask him. Is killing one of the seven? How can it not be one of the seven deadly sins?'” –hogenmogen

    I’m impressed you even tried! What a novel concept- to make an effort to peruse your interests and accomplish your goals. You’ve really cracked the code of life, Harlan Jones.” –Here come the Judge

    “Harlan knows that the ‘varying degrees of success’ clause is the best way to make ridiculous claims: ‘I water skied the length of the Nile and opened a jar of pickles, with varying degrees of success.’” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

    “Somehow the fact that a couple of Vikings are in a restaurant with a waitress bothers me less than the fact that the waitress is holding a pencil, which wasn’t invented until 1564. If they have in fact converted to Christianity, they should consider burning her as a witch.” –Esther Blodgett

    “Writer’s notes to artist, Judge Parker, panel 1, April 20, 2016: Dialogue box: ‘How’s Rocky’s book deal coming along, Sam?’ Her brows deeply furrowed, her breasts struggling to break free from her skin-tight stretchy dress.” –jvwalt

    “Hi, my head is shaped like a sex toy. Can I touch your dirty underwear?” –Kevin Keeney, on Facebook

    “Today’s strip is a lot funnier if you imagine Jamaal’s comment in the final panel dripping with sarcasm. ‘No, Herb, I go there to flirt with women. You know how I just loooove the ladies. Ugh, how am I going to get those sailor outfits clean for the party on Friday now?'” –pugfuggly

    “God, I hope this week of Funky Winkerbean ends before he gets to Io. ‘A heady mix of ipecac and Ex-Lax, to guarantee eruptions!'” –Voshkod

    “Change dot org petition to prevent any Funky Winkerbean character from ever using the word ‘creamy’ again.” –Dan

    “I remember the first time I got a taste of an “adults praise little Sarah” strip. It was magical, and overwhelming. Of course, I was hooked. And as time went by the praise became more effusive, more consistent. And now I realize that I’ve reached the point where a strip like today’s, where a near-adult praises Sarah in a ridiculous and over-the-top manner, just doesn’t do it for me any more. I mean, it’s there. It’s what I need to get through the morning. But that magic is gone. Next week, I’ve been promised a room full of wealthy arts patrons standing around an art museum praising Sarah, lavishing her with attention and wealth, hailing her as the world’s greatest artist. I’m hoping that this will be enough to bring back that thrill, but I’m worrying that maybe it won’t. I’m chasing something more. Maybe reading the strip off of a tattoo on a stripper’s crotch? Or maybe I need to set the strip on fire and inhale the smoke? Something, man. ’Cause today’s style with just one teenager doin the praisin just ain’t cuttin it for me any more.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

    “What’s ironic is that the dog … bear thing so happy to have outlived his friends appears to be clutching his chest with his left paw. You can’t out-power walk Death forever, man bear dog, and she has finally caught up to you.” –Dread

    “But look, the eldest is wearing jams. Are you sure you don’t want to upgrade from seventies kids to eighties?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

    Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.