Blog Year Nine was capped off with throwback to the wacky Gil Thorp summer plots of yore, in a story that began when two fast food ruffians met with vigilante justice in the form of a terrified WHO-O-A! and a mighty, meaty WUD:
Our Hawaiian-shirted hero was a senile former pro wrestler who Gil agreed to wrestle for charity or something, despite the fact that he didn’t even know who Gil was and this would be a good way for him to get terribly injured, probably. Sadly, nobody got terribly injured and actually the old guy probably wasn’t all that senile and it was some kind of double-game long-con wrestling angle.
In Rex Morgan, M.D., yet another wacky elderly patient gave the Morgans free stuff — in this case, a free vacation to San Diego! All they had to do was check up on her rental property, which turned out to be full of sexy ladies who turned out to be strippers with hearts of gold, helping out one of their own who was suffering form breast cancer. Obviously, some of the ladies took a liking to Rex and one maybe flashed him a little, to which he reacted in typical theatrically dickish fashion.
But Blog Year Nine undeniably belonged to an epic seven-month saga in Mary Worth. It began with a cry of psychic pain in the Weston household.
Seems that Dawn got dumped by a dude named Dave, and things got worse when she ran into her ex and his new girlfriend and they invited her to a three-way. Dawn spent a lot of time on the couch watching Game of Thrones and repeating what became the summer of 2012′s catchphrase.
Wilbur decided that a trip to Italy would get Dawn’s mind off her ex. Unfortunately, everywhere she went, she kept having reminders of Dave’s sexy abs and/or genitals thrust in her face.
Determined to cheer up his daughter, Wilbur took her on a cruise ship, which immediately ran aground in a ripped-from-the-headlines tragedy. As the ship slowly capsized, Wilbur and Dawn saw human desperation at its worst.
Fortunately, the Westons were rescued via helicopter. Wilbur returned to Santa Royale with a new column idea based on his entirely undeserved good fortune.
Dawn, meanwhile, emerged from the experience with a determination to make a difference in the world, and Mary convinced her to volunteer at the hospital, where she befriended a one-armed fellow named Jim. Jim immediately became fixated on Dawn because she looked uncannily like his sister, who died in the boating accident that claimed his arm, which meant that Dawn was now forbidden to approach any body of water, and also required to have sex with him. Dawn rejected him because he was a possessive, delusional creep, but Jim laid in with the guilt.
Anyway, in her very good psychology class Dawn learned that possessive, delusional creeps just need the
love friendship of a good woman and that fixes them, and it totally worked and now Jim can hang out near the water without fear and doesn’t want to murder Dawn at all, even a little. He just wants to be friends! And Dawn enjoys her friendship with him. They say that, if you listen closely, you can hear them continuing to enjoy their friendship, even today.
Tomorrow! Our trip through Soap Opera Past finally reaches the present day. What plots from the past year merit recording in the Book of Eternity?
By the sixth year of this blog’s existence, I had pretty much gotten into the groove of what the soaps had to offer. That’s why I was pleasantly surprised when some of the plots of 2009-10 shook things up! For instance, Mark had always been a straight-arrow, law-abiding citizen … right up to the time he literally punched a cop in the face.
Don’t worry, Mark didn’t turn evil; it’s just that Rusty was being foolish and got trapped under a car and Mark broke into a store to find a jack but got caught and that sheriff just wouldn’t listen to reason!
In Apartment 3-G, it was the year of delightful Bobbie Merrill, who weaseled her way into the Professor’s practice to get some sleepytime pills, then won his heart with gift baskets and poinsettias and manic episodes. Later, she bought a gun to take out her real target — her estranged husband, Margo’s dad! Turns out she was the one who raised Margo as her own even though Margo’s bio-mom was the maid, which explains a lot about Margo. There was an armed staircase confrontation that sort of petered out, and eventually she was bundled off to a
farm private psychiatric facility upstate. The following conversation between Ari and the doctor who referred Bobbie to him demonstrates the low state of professional psychiatry in the A3Giverse:
(And it hasn’t gotten any better lately, either.)
But the champion of long-lost not-relative storylines for Blog Year Six went to Mary Worth. It all began when Wilbur’s girlfriend left town. Left to his own devices, he decided to have a little fun online!
Only to get a very special message.
Kurt Evans was the son of a lady Wilbur had romanced back in college, when he was young and mildly more believable as an object of sexual desire.
Kurt showed up unannounced and the two bonded over some good old-fashioned fishing! Everyone had a good time, except for Wilbur’s actual offspring, who was super not cool with it.
Kurt didn’t want to get a paternity test and Wilbur didn’t push it, which led Dawn to take matters into her own hands and track down Kurt’s real paternal aunt, a delightful drunken snob.
Eventually Kurt agreed to the paternity test, then skipped town before he could be revealed as a fraud, much to Wilbur’s distress and Dawn’s shame. It turned out he just wanted to have a little male bonding time with the least objectionable of his mother’s many paramours, in preparation for his own impending fatherhood, which, good luck with your many inevitable psychological problems, future Kurt Evans-spawn! The two never saw each other again, but at least they’ll always have the memories of their frolicking.
SO MUCH FROLICKING. SO MUCH.
Anyway! Tomorrow, year seven: gripping political drama, more drunken loutism, and the first (and last) adventure the A3G gals had together in years!
Getting the comment of the week out early, y’all, so I can spend the day celebrating the independence of USA America! WOOO!
“I kinda want to tag whatever Ohio town Westview is supposed to be with ‘LISA LIVES!?’ and perhaps ‘¡¿VIVA LA LISA!?’” –Voyage of the Oversnark
And let’s set off some fireworks for the runners up, who are also very funny!
“Figures that in Id, PETA is more active than Amnesty International.” –Marcus Theory
“I don’t think those are ice chips Mary is adding. I think they’re communion wafers, and she wants to see if the little prophetess Olive bursts into flames when she consumes them.” –Fritz G
“Lust for Lisa is it? Apparently the term ‘cancer porn’ is going to become a whole lot more literal than anyone here ever imagined.” –dmsilev
“My favorite, favorite thing about the Mrs. Pierpont revelation is that it’s happening in the throwaway panels in a Sunday strip. I have a new dream where all of the crime stuff happens in Sunday throwaway panels, gradually leading up to Mrs. Lanning getting gunned down in a warehouse on some random Wednesday, after months of foreshadowing in the two panels per week that a huge chunk of the readership doesn’t even know exists.” –Roto13
“The Cinemax-esque name Lust for Lisa may seem like a dopey joke about Hollywood’s creative bankruptcy, but it’s actually a brilliant illustration of how the humanity of the Funkyverse has diverged from our own. Freud posited that human psychology is formed from two equal but opposing drives: Eros, the drive for life and sex, and Thanatos, the drive for death and self-destruction. In the Funkyverse, however, Thanatos clearly conquered and absorbed Eros long ago, leaving a human race for which lust is inexorably linked to misery and death. That’s why the story of a woman’s lingering death of cancer has a porn title: for this sad alternate humanity, cancer is the only porn they have.” –MisterMahan
Judge Parker: “The narration box suggests that Sam getting the mail is exciting; I respectfully disagree.” –Master Softheart
“No shoes, no service! Get out, by order of the Health Department! Of course, feel free to crap where ever you are.” –hogenmogen
“In the competitive field of slut-shaming, Dennis’ mere words are no match for Margaret’s glare of pure, unadulterated contempt. I assume she’s wearing a black ribbon to show that she’s in mourning for the innocence of the world which is now lost through the wanton behavior of Joey’s dog.” –Joe Blevins
Mary Worth: “Olive’s parents are so wrapped up in each other, they’re totally ignoring her Wednesday Addams cosplay. They should understand she can’t go swimming without a proper black Victorian bathing suit.” –batgirl
“Lisa doesn’t really live, per se, in the rewrite. We’ve decided to go the horror route. Les and Miguel rush forward to greet her, she opens her parched lips and moans ‘caaaaaaaancer.’ Then it’s all fake blood and practical effects involving pig guts from that point on.” –Voshkod
“Apparently pluggers’ favorite musicians also don’t include bands from the 60s who remain popular today, such as the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, or The Who. Are they … hipsters?” –Chyron HR
“Ha ha! The Keane kids are so used to the surveillance state that they just assume that anytime a cat does something funny somewhere in America, the NSA just uploads the footage automatically.” –pugfuggly
“Don’t give up on your dream of YouTube fame so easily. Just this very day, newspapers around the country are publishing a comic strip about a bunch of kids watching a cat in an empty room. So anything is possible!” –Nekrotzar
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