The Comics Curmudgeon

“‘The Fed?’ Sam asked. ‘Yeah, the Army Corps of Engineers! They can move mountains!’ the odd little man replied. ‘Move mountains,’ Abbey said dreamily behind Sam. A few million dollars, well-spent by lobbyists, resulted in the passage of the Parker Emergency Relief Act. Now that pesky mountain that blocked Abbey’s view from the farm was gone. Gone where? Sam didn’t know. Abbey didn’t care. And Sophie, from her nearly impenetrable mountain fortress in Kansas, wasn’t taking interviews.” –Voshkod

“Josh, you’re overlooking the exciting and welcome implication. The babies have segregated themselves from Marvin as the buffalo segregate themselves from the old and sick. What happens to the old and sick in nature? Marvin is going to be carried off by a coyote at any moment. Take heart!” –G’Quan

“I am not terribly familiar with Mary Worth, and given its prominence on this website, I thought I should familiarize myself with the basic premise. From Wikipedia: ‘For the evil spirit that is sometimes known by this name, see Bloody Mary (folklore).’ I get the sense that that alone covers things.” –absuplendous

“‘Vince, I want you to know that these guys might have guns.’ ‘No problem, check out this sweet stick I found!’” –pugfuggly

“Never mind what Hanna is saying in panel one, since the way she is holding her hands apart indicates the real reason she is eager to become Mrs. Sean Hastings. As Mary indicates with a knowing grin, ‘Wow!’” –seismic-2

“I love how Alice is looking at Henry, clearly thinking, ‘I can’t believe I married this clueless dork. It’s probably for the best that Dennis’ biological father is the UPS guy.’ I don’t love how I know their first names without even thinking about it.” –Lily Sincere

“You see, Curtis, the rappers I grew up with wrote songs about how much they liked the booty, and they dressed totally funky-fresh, and they had fly dance moves and celebrity cartoons like Hammerman. Then they played chicken with the IRS and lost. They were the ones that spoke to my generation.” –rmbalpha

“I like the guy with the mustache. He’s definitely seen it all before.” –Lisa Evans, on Facebook

“The Corp of Engineers? Is this a historically significant RV Park built on a 500 year flood plain and in need of a levee system? ‘Hello, this is the Army Corp of Engineers. What?? Really?? An RV Park?? Hang on a minute … Okay, I’ll divert a couple of D11 dozer brigades from Kabul. They should be there by lunch.’ Christ. Just give some local hick $100 to clear the place and fix the road with his Bobcat you morons. No wonder the fucking squirrel left.” –Mikey

“Francis gets a brief glimpse of the implications of quantum physics, and is slightly happier knowing that in an infinite number of universes with an infinite number of possibilities he’s outlived his mother in at least one.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“The sight of that plugger-child made me wonder: Is pluggerism inborn or is it a choice? Do young pluggers ever look at their elders and aspire to be something else? If they do, will they inevitably fail, like a potato that wishes it could grow up to be a rose?” –Mardou Fox

“Observe how Duchamp uses visual repetition to explore movement and time in a static medium in his minor work Dude Descending his Weltschmerz.” –Shoe Substitutes

“Look, Dagwood is wearing a hat to cover his weird haircut and a vest over the strange single button on his shirt. Back in the old days, he used to try to pass as a normal person!” –BigTed

“Could it be that everyone here is just mesmerized by the floor? ‘That weatherproofing stain really did the trick,’ they’re all thinking. ‘See how the water just beads up like that? It’s a thing of beauty!’ ’Cause that’s how characters in Mark Trail think. Even the bad guys.” –Joe Blevins

“I’m tempted to submit the Dagwood pic to seathogs.com. Everything about this photo — the briefcase in the empty seat, the arm draped territorially over same — indicates that he is NOT MOVING dammit, no matter how full the bus gets or how many standing/elderly/disabled folks glare at him. My guess: five minutes after this photo, he spread out for a nap, just like at work, with his feet on that seat and his snores blaring. Hurrah for carpooling, and the removal of this menace from our shared public spaces!” –A New Day

“Although she was not yet awake to the horror, Margo’s sickening dread suggested that her intuition finally had made the connection: every non-roommate in the universe was impossibly somehow the same woman in the same top in the same restaurant/apartment. How long before she saw through the coma, or the very real straps holding her down at the asylum?” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I just Googled ‘Les Moore’ and ‘emo loser’ together and got zero results. Is everyone else too polite to point out that they are anagrams? Am I the meanest person on the internet who has heard of this character? Google is just having an off day, right?” –A Concerned Reader

“‘Doubtful, and immaterial.’ I think that Gil Thorp’s special presentation of ‘The Courtship of Mr. Spock’ is growing on me.” –Master Softheart

“It’s extremely fun to read Mary’s speech in Darth Vader’s voice today.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“We called him ‘Squeaky’ on account o’ that time he tried to assassinate President Ford. He was a Chevy man to the end.” –Peanut Gallery

“I imagine that, in a fit of vindictive rage, Snuffy will take what is likely her only bra and use it to create a makeshift slingshot to lob sizable stones at the rev’nooers, probably killing them. ‘Underwire support or th’ lawlessness we love, Ma — ya can’t have both!’” –rbmalpha

“I’ll jut point out that it’s odd that on the same day that Holly just ‘found’ $50K for comics, a notorious criminal arrived in Westview and robbed a bank. Sure, Canyon and his accomplice were apprehended, but what was going on in the empty bank while Dick was outside patting himself on the back with the Westview police force? And who was the Kingpin behind the robbery in the first place, or should I say, ‘Queenpin’…? #comicsgate” –pugfuggly

“Poor guy on the right probably isn’t even a clown, he’s just a hobo the anthromorphs rounded up on the streets for this cruel police lineup spectacle. Tomorrow’s strip will literally feature a court run by kangaroos.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“I don’t know which clown did it but I will tell tell you one thing. At almost eight feet tall, Slylock is fucking terrifying.” –Mikey

“So from now on, there’s three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Bacon way. Which is also the wrong way, but greasier.” –Digger

Judge Parker: “I’d never imagined that the tale of two beautiful, busty young women and their stablehand, in which the blonde bonds with the brunette before she mounts her steed and rides away, while the brunette tells the stablehand: ‘Keep an eye on her, she rides very well!’ could be so grindingly dull that we long to find out what happened to the squirrel.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Through some kind of magical, once-in-a-lifetime configuration of laziness, ineptitude and choice of subject matter, the artist, writer, and colorist of Crock managed to conjure up an opening panel in which it appears a camel is neck-deep in a pool of territory-marking urine.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I can’t wait until I’m old enough to eat dinner at 2:00 pm.” –Mumblix Grumph

“I’m a barely employed publicist, yet I own an apartment building in a city where they cost millions of dollars. So I have to economize where I can, such as by wearing the exact same style of blouse as my waitress.” –BigTed

“The heat was bad, but it was the humidity that got her. My poor wife. Anyway, let’s eat her.” –Jack loves comics

“I’m working on coming up with a plausible scenario for the depiction of the A3G cafe scene, like, you know, it’s an outdoor cafe, where you have to stand, and there are no tables or other people, that operates in Manhattan in January during a catastrophic blizzard. Was that so hard? It’s like you people can’t suspend your disbelief at all.” –Violet

“Hanna is waiting for ‘the munchies’ to kick in, correct? That explains a lot about how happy she’s been throughout this story.” –Joe Blevins

“I KNEW THIS STORY ARC COULDN’T END WITHOUT A WEDDING … or a politely and curtly executed legal action without all the hassle of ceremony, take your pick!” –Patricia Anne Carter, on Facebook

“What’s really sad is that, by Santa Royale standards, Sean and Hanna are pretty hot stuff. Their cutesy celebrity couple nickname is ‘Sean Hannity,’ since Santa Royale never really got the hang of cutesy celebrity couple nicknames.” –Lily Sincere

“He’s more of a pain in the neck to me. Just look at him behaving exactly like the other children, happily interacting with others and not causing any trouble at all. But he’s got his shoes on backwards. He’s up to something. I just know it.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Just off-panel in Mary Worth, a baby carriage starts to careen down the steps. Fortunately for all concerned among the readership, the carriage is immediately followed by a rank of Cossacks indiscriminately shooting everyone in sight.” –dmsilev

“You know, Phil, a lot of times during the day we have seagulls flying over us, swooping down for a morsel now and then. I’ve come to hope one of them will pluck my eyes out.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Hey, Jughaid! Spoiler alert: Rickets.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Does the sailor-hatted man-baby’s head swivel smoothly, or does it ratchet as it makes a 180 degree turn?” –Chyron HR

“Nice, quote Oedipus while peeling the eyes from potatoes.” –Joe Momma

“Crestfallen Sean only manages to continue because he took the batteries out of his hearing aid. If music be the food of love, then what the hell is this?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Charity? That’s one of my favorite causes!” –Peanut Gallery

“Are we actually sure Mr. Wants-to-be-Coach is talking about abstract brands here? Maybe it’s tradition in Gil Thorp-land to literally brand successful players with red-hot irons? ‘It’s time to choose your brand, kid. Make it a good one; you’re gonna have it forever.’” –Lanfranc

“If people feel the need to add the words ‘that criminal known as the…’ in front of your name, it means your nickname didn’t take. Sorry, Jumbler.” –Joe Blevins

“Herb is doing his best to keep print media alive, and he’s pissed off that Jamaal brings up the competition in such a light. ‘Well, if you like these new forms of communication so much, why don’t you go sex their buttholes?! I’m reading the newspaper!’” –rbmalpha

“Sean’s face and arm say, ‘Hey, babe, wanna catch a flick?,’ while his words and leglessness say, ‘I am an animatronic torso programmed to ask the female to view a film.’” –bourbonbabe, unbuckled

“A BRIBE? You, sir, have clearly never eaten at Montoni’s.” –Windier E. Megatons

“So, this robot took three steps forward and then teetered and fell on its face? A worthy adversary indeed!” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You know, maybe wizards who walk around in the middle of winter with bare feet and in robes that stop at their hips shouldn’t be so quick to judge The Girls Today.” –Alex Blaze

“HANDS UP DON’T SMIRK” –John Fulcher, on Facebook

“Today’s Dick Winkerbean aggregate finally answers the question: How can you be in two places at once when you’re not anywhere at all?” –SgtSaunders

“Don’t confuse jurisdiction with its exact synonym, legal authority. And while you are chewing on that koan, here’s the sound of one hand pulling a trigger.” –Nekrotzar

“Jell-O molds and a ‘Valentine’s social’? Say what you will about pluggers being old-fashioned, but a time-traveling chicken from 1955 is a movie concept I would definitely go to see.” –BigTed