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Metapost: COTW all the time

Hey all, just a quick note to those of you who are in the Baltimore region and casting about for things to do tonight: you should come see Everything All The Time, a fab variety show, at the Metro Gallery in Station North! Here’s a picture of a flyer hanging in a window:

The part of “Gary The Emotionally Insecure Substitute Yoga Instructor” will be played by “me”! Here’s a Facebook event with all the info that’s in the picture!

You would be very emotionally secure if you were the one who came up with this great comment of the week:

“I like Wilbur’s single-fistin’ foot-long-eatin’ form in this Mary Worth: no sissy ‘double-handing’ techniques like the college students on the BK-Lounge ads for this experienced campaigner.” –TicketyBo

You should not feel bad about being a runner up, either!

“Also, as long as we’re completely awake and lucid, female Reggie, I’d like to compliment you on your all-purple furniture … It really compliments how the walls are melting into the floor. Also I would like to request your assistance in prying this crown off my head since it seems to have achieved sentience and is engulfing my soul.” –Tophat

“Gotta pay for those pharmaceuticals somehow. Plug Life!” –pugfuggly

“OK, so between panel one and panel two of today’s Apartment 3-G, the fawn morphed from deer to chupacabra. For once, I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s A3G.” –Voshkod

Luann: “Brad wants a huge wedding, so they can invite … who? His parents, Luann, T.J., Toni’s brother, Shannon, and some generic unidentified people from the fire department? I think he’s severely overestimated the size of his supporting cast.” –Joshua

“From our outpost in suburban Palermo we note several items today worthy of comment. However, we shall restrict ourselves to Dr. [Rex] Morgan’s teal shirt. Really, Doctor? Teal is for chiropractors.” –Fashion Police

Apartment 3-G: “Wait, is that a hi-rise building just on the other side of the trees from a compound that’s only accessible by a long and barely-passable dirt road? Omigod Omigod Omigod, ‘Happiness Falls’ is a neighborhood in Brooklyn. This is truly breaking new ground for this strip, as will the rap-rhyme spitting, fawn-eating street horse in tomorrow’s panels.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“Is the vet enlisting Tommie’s help in euthanizing the world’s only invisible horse?” –DAS

“We were somewhere around a table on the inside of Jerry’s Sandwich Shop when the mayonnaise began to take hold.” –Dood

“Wow, Gizmo’s like a one-man steampunk DARPA. I hope he gets killed, the hipster fuck.” –Doctor Handsome

“I’ve been out of the country for a while, when did pluggers start changing their underwear?” –SF_Reader

“Oh, I don’t know. At least ‘yellowfin tuna’ is metrically equivalent (dactyl, trochee) to ‘Louisville Slugger’, so the caption makes some sense, in a free-associational, ichthyoschizophrenic way.” –Dr. Y. Zowl

‘Bleat, bleat’ doesn’t strike me as cries of hunger as much as it seems to be the fawn’s sardonic comments on this moronic conversation.” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Out like a lamb comment of the week

Guys! I know this is super last-minute but if you’re in the Baltimore area and are looking for something to do this evening, you could definitely do worse than see me tell jokes in this show at the Yellow Sign Theater!

Ahem. And with that bit of self-promotion out of the way, here is … your COMMENT OF THE WEEK.

“Plus, and yes, this is beside the point, deer are disgusting, extremely commonplace, tick-ridden, tree-killing, diversity-reducing monsters. They do not need saving, they are doing fine, they are common and delicious and, in fact, they are actually extremely difficult to relocate so it seems very unlikely to me that this deer will live much beyond the end of its story-arc and nobody will care, which, actually, I guess is fairly common for anyone in the A3G orbit.” –Margaret

And the very funny runners up!

“Strange things happen in Heathcliff’s neighborhood whenever it’s under the watchful gaze of … whichever dark alien God it is that has the Pac-Man eye.” –Brad

“Welp, it’s pretty clear that Heathcliff is just aiming for an audience made up of five year olds, stoners, and us.” –Voshkod

“Max is not even paying attention; why would he? He understands the futility of trying to impose some kind of morality and order onto this chaotic world. His dependence on his fox protector requires his loyalty, but not, at least, his attention.” –Margaret

“If I ever go completely insane and have to be committed to an institution of some kind, I will collect every Judge Parker strip consisting of nothing except someone telling Alan Parker how great he is – strips that have no narrative purpose or meaning at all beyond possibly highlighting the crippling insecurities that cause Alan to overcompensate by acting like a complete wanker – and plaster my cell with them. Then I will calculate the Parker Ratio: the fraction of all strips featuring the comic’s namesake that consist solely of people telling Judge Parker how great he is. Then I’ll work all this somehow into my manifesto…” –Master Softheart

“With all the Uncanny Valley edge-of-non-Euclidean madness of this strip, somehow it’s the details that get me –- like that tattoo not following the dip of the muscle, making it look like he’s superglued a small plastic toy sword to his upper arm. Which might go a long way to explaining why he can’t find a job, actually.” –CanuckDownSouth

“No, things are much better ‘Downtown’ nowadays thanks to the distribution of donated sleeves.” –Kevin on Earth

Judge Parker: “After finding out that his host was a CIA-trained international arms dealer, Alan looks … bored. ‘Are we already done talking about my book? I know you said you loved it, but can you tell me again which parts which particularly spectacularly awesome?’” –pugfuggly

“I know time is somehow dilated in the A3G universe so that minutes of their time take months of ours to pass, but it appears that several weeks passed between those two panels in order for Tommie’s hair to grow out from Failed Pixie Cut to Crash Helmet Monstrosity.” –elegantmechanic

“Looking at this flashback panel, I assume Mary is thinking ‘I hope I’m not too late with this jaundice serum!’ But who knows what Mary Worth was up to back in 2005? Maybe it’s ‘I hope I’m not too late! I hope Downtown isn’t out of crack!’ or ‘poppers!’ or ‘mescaline!’ or whatever kind of fix she was into in those days.” –Dr. Mabuse

“What you didn’t hear was the piano bragging that she has twelve G spots.” –Joe Momma

“Looks like somebody’s gonna be tickling the ivories. HEY-O! I’ll show myself out.” –Doctor Handsome

Number Three is probably just barfing, or some other bilious release known to occur within human reality. It’s when Marvin gets up to doing a Number Eighty-Seven or Eighty-Eight that you want to really run, or at least put on one of those lead aprons.” –Ovis

“Dennis’ teddy bear has clearly heard too much. God’s appetite for carnage may be bottomless, but not Mr. Fluffykins’.” –Joe Blevins

“Why is Lu Ann so convinced Lily exists? Is the deer below waist-level or something? Is anything below waist-level in A3G? All I know is, I haven’t seen the deer in days and I haven’t seen anyone’s legs in ever.” –Gold-Digging Nanny

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Triumphant return COTW

Thank you all for being so kind to Uncle Lumpy — and for being so kind to me in the hugely successful spring fundraiser! I’ll be contacting everyone individually over the next week to thank you and find out where I should be sending your rewards. But a big thank you to all now. Some Monday comics will appear later this afternoon, but until then, what better thanks could you get than a tasty comment of the week?

This Pluggers is either extremely meta or utterly oblivious, and the fact that I can’t decide which spooks me the hell out.” –Fillmore East

And the hilarious runners up!

“Of course a Winkerbean is smoking outside. That’s what happens when you expose them to the light of day.” –Droopy Says

Apartment 3-G: “We need to talk. You’ve actually worked here a total of three days in the past two years, and now you show up stinking of deer shit and grief. It’s got to stop!” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“I’m sorry, Tommie, but you’re only human. Unlike me, the incredible GOATWOMAN!” –pugfuggly

Spiderman: ‘I’m here to save you!’ Worker: ‘Dude, we’re just filming a commercial for crazy glue!’” –hogenmogen

“Luann’s measure of a close relationship is how well she can exploit it.” –TheDiva

“Next season on Marvinpiece Theatre: ‘Gruppenfuhrer Marvin and His Wacky Stormpoopers.’” –Pozzo

“I think this is the foundation for the old expression, ‘He screwed the pooch.’” –Dennis Jimenez

“Next on Marvin: 12 Years a Toddler” –Nuklhd

“If you buy the Judge Parker Blooper Reel you can see how many times the actors cracked up after the line, ‘Sorry, Flaco, I jerked on the stick.’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Retro things are cool; retro people are pluggers.” –Baka Gaijin

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And, just as an advertising program note, I’ve started using BuySellAds as a platform for you to buy ads directly on my site on a CPM basis. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.