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Metapost: Let’s get COTW-y

GUYS, with literally zero ado, here comes the comment of the week:

“It’s pretty fantastic how Slylock is holding his hands out, imploring the assorted creatures to rely on their capacity for reason, as they march right past him with dollars already out and ready to be spent. But the next time Slick Smitty comes along with some fantastic claim about the polar bears he met at the South Pole, who will they plead with to solve the crime? ‘It’s barely worth throwing pearls of trivia before the swine of this forest,’ he’ll mutter while Max coughs and tries to subtly point out that there’s a talking swine nearby.” –Dan

And the very hilarious runners up!

“Like pale grubs given human features the Family Circus children slither across the bed, poking the clammy appendages they call hands into daddy Keane’s eyes and ears, demanding sustenance. Perhaps if he feigns death they’ll spare him and take is wife instead. But no, they can sense the ruse. There will be no escape from their doughy pun-filled maws while he still lives.” –EscapeZeppelin

“Is that a single bed where Bil is sleeping? They’ve wised up four kids too late.” –Midtown

“Please tell me that somewhere off-panel there’s a box labeled ‘Gordon’ and the little marionette is stuffed neatly in there with an iPad.” –Hans Peter Gertje, on Facebook

“Hello, dear. Just thought I’d invade your mind for a sec. Wow, it’s all sepia tone in here! Is this the way the world looks to you? No wonder you don’t trust yourself to drive; I imagine traffic lights are quite a challenge. Anyway, what’s with all the boxes? You’re not moving them into my place, are you? I thought you weren’t a hoarder, and all you need is your flute. What else are you hiding from me, a pet monkey? Well, that’s it for now. I have an appointment to get this troublesome hair in my nostrils trimmed again. Boy howdy, it grows like wildfire — I haven’t smelled a single thing in years!” –made of wince

Bowl haircut, bowl helmet … this guy is like one of those ‘theme’ villains on the Batman TV show. All he needs is henchmen wearing black sweatshirts with white lettering: ‘Tie him up, Mixing, you and Cereal go down to the dock, and take … take…’ ahh, nuts, this is much harder than it’s worth.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“The Ghost Who Runs a Eugenics Program” –Liam

‘Mr. Moore?’ That seems a bit formal for … hmm. Come to think of it, what is the correct form of address for the widower of your bio-mom? I think if I were Darrin, I’d solve this conundrum by never talking to Les at all.” –Horace Broon

“So I’m assuming this is the work of that weirdo special effects guy we met earlier in the story, because obviously Peter can’t plan this far in advance for anything. I guess this might just raise more questions, like ‘why?’ or ‘how?’ or ‘um, what?’, but I’m sure we’ll be treated to some world-class hand-waving for the rest of the week.” –pugfuggly

“If the last two panels of Judge Parker took place on Jeopardy!: ‘What is the ending to the phrase: old enough to be my…’ Neddy’s Friend: ‘Demise!’ Wine Bottle: ‘Pop!’ ‘Wine Bottle is correct.’” –Wrong Way Up

I looked at the full moon, but nothing’s happening still. I don’t think Daddy’s Lunar Destruction Ray works at all! The U.N. will never pay us the ransom now!” –Voshkod

Who’d guess a film could make such a mess? Just the people who saw Green Lantern! DOH HO HO HO!” –Chyron HR

“Sean is already proving himself to be a most considerate husband, as he takes care to punch the word ‘knees’ to make sure his new bride gets the joke. (The joke is that he’s super old and feeble and probably not long for this world. HA!)” –Joe Blevins

Certain Dick Tracy characters look like they went into a costume shop and said ‘Give me exactly one item from every outfit you have.’” –Jack loves comics

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Metapost: Delicious comments of the week

I just looked out my window at 8:45 am and saw a lady walking down the middle of the street stone cold eating popcorn out of a giant tin. On this Friday, let us all resolve to be as devil-may-care, shall we? And let’s all aspire to the humor levels of this comment of the week:

“It’s the end of the first quarter, and you’re already busing out the ‘Max Bacon is sizzling’ line? As fun a name as that is, there’s not really too many directions you can go with it, especially not in the positive. ‘We’re at the half, and Max Bacon is killing the visitors like high sodium and cholesterol!’ ‘Third Quarter is up, and Max Bacon is hot like a grease fire!’ ‘The game is up, and if one thing’s for certain, it’s that Central wishes they were kosher right now … or something … Bacon, right?’” –pugfuggly

These runners up are also extremely funny!

“Now, Rusty, most people don’t find insects all that appealing. But as I’m a nature journalist and you’re a … whatever the hell you are, we have a deeper understanding of the wonders of the natural — Goddamnit, Rusty! Could you stop shoveling bugs down your gullet for one second? I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you, here!” –rbmalpha

“I love it that Momma now takes place in an alternate universe where the former Presidents of the United States are all still alive and just kind of hang out these days. It’s a fantastic literary conceit. Lincoln was laid-back, like some cool stoner uncle you only see at family reunions and weddings. Washington, however, is obviously more tense, and you can see why. He apparently has to be on living display 24-7 at some tacky D.C. tourist trap, balancing precariously in his three-legged chair while idiot tourists just barge in and evaluate him. Valley Forge was nothing compared to this!” –Joe Blevins

“Does no one find it disturbing that Gordon grew nine inches and about 50 pounds between panel one and panel two? Was he bitten by a radioactive middle-aged man at some point, and this is some kind of superpower?” –Damian

Hi honey, you look disheveled and beaten down, you’re uttering expressions of weary drudgery, and the kitchen is a tableau of chaos. That’s … good, I guess? Interpreting visual and vocal cues is not my strong suit.” –TheDiva

“Coming up: Max claims to have a medical reason for taking Adderall. Marty pushes this version of events under the slogan ‘Cured Bacon.’” –Horace Boon

“Amy’s ‘big news’ is that her lawyer assured her that the competency hearings on her mother will be just a formality, especially since the judge has been ‘dating’ Amy all these weeks. Involuntary commitment for Hanna, here we come!” –Shrug

“Did I miss the comic where Mary was the cause of Amy and Dave getting engaged, or is that going to be told in flashback? There is no third possibility.” –A Concerned Reader

I saved your life! Of course, I also caused you to fall in the first place! But then again, you shouldn’t have been out there trying to kill me in the zeroth place! But in the negative oneth place, I shouldn’t have done whatever the hell it is that you want to kill me for!” –Hogenmogen

Sounds reasonable, but you might want to get a second opinion from a registered cardiologist, Martha, just to be sure. Take it from me, you don’t want your main source of medical advice to be a five-year-old. Or anybody with ‘the Menace’ in their name, for that matter. Except Dr. Stanley ‘the Menace’ Gottlieb — he’s all right.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“So the supervillain with all of the wacky, cutting edge technology resorts to a boring old handgun? I hope Spider-Man mocks him when the gun misfires and then Mysterio beats him to death with it.” –Mikey

“Leroy is a vampire! Or an idiot. Whichever.” –Nekrotzar

“MOMMA HAS MASTERED TELEPATHIC THOUGHT SUGGESTION, FREUDIAN IMPULSES AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE GUILT SHALL REIGN SUPREME” –Dan

“Okay, ‘Dave’ is obviously a psychological coping mechanism. This storyline can’t not end with Amy standing over Sean’s body with a bloody knife with some quote from Rumi in the corner.” –Matt Algren on Facebook

“If I blow on them all, Dolly, I’ll run out of curare darts. I only have ten shots … well, nine, now … and P.J.’s a slippery one. So just relax, Sis, this won’t hurt much.” –Voshkod

“Did Ayn Rand have giant Popeye arms in real life, or is this an idealized rendition of her?” –Chyron HR

“Dolly referring to a collection of objects that make harsh, shrill noises as a ‘family’ seems about right.” –nescio

This conclusion tells me this entire Mary Worth plotline is some surreal, nihilistic performance art piece. Hanna fecklessly commits herself to ill-advised romance that could cause deep rifts in her established personal life, only to find that those same careless, shallow motives exist in everyone, rendering moot the consequences of her decisions. And we have uncanny valley Gordon, whose appearance in this strip resembles that of a ventriloquist dummy (who effectively says and does nothing), indicative that all responsibility in this world is hollow and meaningless. Goddamn this is dark.” –HAnzMFG

“I hope the rest of Newspaper Spider-Man is just Spidey pulling an infinite succession of masks off Mysterio. Until finally he reaches his own face, and with horror peels that off to reveal a radiant globe of pure light that envelops the entire universe.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“No, my Ichthyoid companion, I feel no terror. For months we have been trapped together within this tiny bowl with no space to swim, no chance to breathe free in the water, no chance for new experiences or new friends. Our only companion one another and the horrible weight of our thoughts brought upon us by the mysterious and cursed sentience that God or science has been bestowed upon us to recognize the horror of our day to day existence and the meaninglessness of it all and no one to recognize our plight or cares to render us aid. I feel no terror. I feel only relief.” –Comrade Dread

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Metapost: Your week, your top comments

Hello all! Please enjoy this comic of the week, won’t you?

“They say he has the proportional strength of a spider. They say he has the reflexes of a spider. Soon, they will say Spider-Man has the same number of fingers as a spider: none.” –Voshkod

And please enjoy these runners up, won’t you?

“I love the idea that anyone can stand next to Jughead and be the one called out for a stupid hat.” –Tim Pendergast, on Facebook

Aside from being ferocious hunters, grizzly bears are also opportunistic scavengers, so always stay alert in the wilderness — even if you’re dead.” –HAnzMFG

“Wait … are ‘torture implements’ illegal? I mean, actually torturing people is (mostly) against the law, but as for the implements themselves, that raises some thorny second amendment issues. After all, the only way to stop a bad guy with an iron maiden is with a good guy with a judas cradle.” –ratnerstar

“Considering that Funky Winkerbean barely shows any sign of life, wouldn’t ‘Enormous Mega-Tech’ have made for a better acronym? We could have had a whole week of jokes about pulling the plug on this strip.” –Droopy Says

They’re in my uncle’s golf bag! Oh God, the drill and the hot tongs and knives, he keeps them all there! THE BODIES ARE IN THE BASEMENT! THE BASEMENT, JESUS CHRIST! Uh, we’re still birds, right?” –Jack love comics

“Gross, Momma’s nose is bleeding/has a blackhead/isn’t finished having been drawn yet. Pretty bad when ole Commas-for-Eyes refuses to look at you.” –made of wince

Sean is great here as he realizes, ‘Uh oh! I’ve just married this woman, and now she’s going to be there in my goddamned apartment with her … stuff!’ I love how he tries to play it cool: ‘So that flute is your only possession on earth, right? That should probably fit in my sock drawer. And how cool are you, on a scale of one to ten, with sleeping in the bathtub? I’m just going to assume ten and move on.’” –Joe Blevins

I starting making a record of Trixie’s height on the wall. Well, the side molding, actually. I would never mess up any of our blank wall space with markings, or paintings, or mirrors, or photographs. IT MUST REMAIN PURE.” –BigTed

“Amy should be very grateful she wasn’t invited. Look at what she’d have to eat.” –Poteet

Five minutes later: ‘Oh shit, I don’t have a boat anymore! How the fuck was I supposed to get back to the office? Mark? Are you still around…?’” –pugfuggly

“As the saying goes, a Mark Trail story isn’t over until the roc-sized pelican eats the remaining characters.” –dmsilev

“Loretta, I saw people buying your new cookbook, Fifty Shades of Grey.” –nescio

That guy kind of reminds me of the broker who came to Westview some years ago, pitching condos in the new Westview Ridge Knolls development. He said there would be two easy payment options — cash, or going and fucking yourself. Today he’s the mayor.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I love that it takes Vince three speech balloons to get all his thoughts out. I imagine him pausing between each to take a huge gulp of air, while Mark and Cherry wait politely for him to finish.” –the good ship thetis

Also, faithful reader Briane Pagel responded to my creeping horror that someone, somewhere might be writing Lockhorns fanfic by writing the only Lockhorns fanfic that needs to exist, so please enjoy that as well.

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.