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Metapost: Finger-quoting comments of the week

Hey all! Remember Finger-Quotin’ Margo, a beloved Apartment 3-G gimmick from yesteryear? We had a lot of fun with her on this site, and I’m here to tell you that this fun can continue! Look at this lovely cross-stitch that I got from faithful reader and longtime fan Maggie Eismeier!

I am planning on auctioning this piece of art off to benefit a local cat rescue organization that helped us with some stray kittens who ended up in our backyard, once they and I get some administrative stuff together. BUT, you should definitely get in touch with Maggie for all your needlepoint needs, via her Esty store! She does custom orders, friends, which I’m sure you have some ideas about!

And with that out of the way, check out your comment of the week:

“I admire Mr. Dithers’ relentless insistence on completely repositioning himself between each sentence he utters, but I really think adding ‘TIME PASSES’ in each gutter would go a long way towards driving the nuances of his behavior home.” –Dragon of Life

And your very funny runners up!

“We just got a 10-77 — around the corner fudge is made! Let’s roll!” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“This doesn’t seem right. Shady stole ten rings and then dropped all ten over the side of a cruise ship, as Slylock conveniently saw the whole thing? Don’t you get it, Slylock? This was a set up! Shady wants to solve his Slylock Fox problem permanently. Get out while you still can! Time permitting, try to save Max.” –Joe Blevins

Snuffy is why fracking has such a bad rap.” –Garnet

“I like that Mark makes no mention of going to get help if he gets out. Nope, he’s just going to swim back in and let them know that there is a way out, and that if they are strong of body and spirit then they are worthy of seeing the great surface land once again. Well, not Gabe, obvious: he’s cave cricket food for sure.” –pugfuggly

“In the flick of a light switch, Henry grew silent, squinting at Dennis and Ruff standing side by side, like brothers. ‘Dog people?’ Henry mused, over and over, for the first time suspicious about why Dennis bares a stronger resemblance to this dog than his own father.” –sporknpork

If I find a way out, I’ll try to come back and let you know. If I die, I’ll try to come back and haunt you. No particular reason; I’ve just learned to find both of you extremely irritating over the course of the last six months/forty-eight hours.” –Shrug

“I had no idea Sarge was a marsupial. The man is a rich tapestry.” –Dan

“And when the military tribunal asked Sergeant Snorkel just whose face he had peeled off to wear as his ‘war face,’ he just told them to check the list of retired Beetle Bailey characters on Wikipedia. ‘Pick one of them. You can’t call it a crime if no one’s ever going to miss them,’ Snorkel shouted as the guards hauled him out. ‘Mort said I could take their faces! He said he wasn’t using them anymore!’” –Voshkod

“Sometimes I wish some strips didn’t worry so much about long, arcing stories and get back to their daily jokes. Sometimes I wish strips with daily jokes explored a story. Today’s Shoe would be the second case, not because I want to see this ‘raising my bride’ thing myself (ew), but to find out if they could set the record for getting dumped by all major papers the fastest. Every strip has to die, might as well achieve something on your way out.” –Brady

“I must admit I’m tickled by the idea that Dithers hauled the poor IT guy all the way over to Dagwood’s office so he could make that joke. I imagine he commanded they walk through the hallways in dead silence so as not to interrupt the wordplay.” –Steve S

Gil Thorp: “This is the only teenage student who argues with his mother so he can go to school? I’m tolerant of race, religion, orientation and all that, but this pro-education teen is taking me outside my comfort zone.” –hogenmogen

“I’ve changed the channel, but Mr. Wilson is stuck on HBO No Go. The TV’s turned on, but Mr. Wilson’s tuned out. I’m watching Showtime while Mr. Wilson’s in no-time. Who needs film noir when Mr. Wilson stars in The Big Sleep? Uhm, is that enough takes for today?” –Dood

“As usual, Marvin missed the joke. It’s not ‘Is this your signature on all these bogus purchase orders?’ It should be ‘Is that you in the video shitting on my desk?'” –Lawyerbob

“And just as Chip turned his head to chat with his girlfriend, Trixie went under! It only takes a second of inattention, folks! This public service message sponsored by the good folks at Hi and Lois.’ –Chrissy the Stooges Woman

“‘I told the manager that just because it’s called eau de toilet didn’t mean we should actually put it in the toilet,’ the bartender thought sadly. ‘And also that Ladies’ & Dogs’ Night was a bad idea. Well, here’s to another Thursday of cleaning up both human and animal vomit.'” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: June swoon COTW

Hey guys! Your COTW in a second, but first, as threatened last week, I’m gonna keep you up to date on other things I’ve written in other places. This week: an article for CSO about tech “security theater” — you know, stuff that looks impressive and imposing but doesn’t actually make anything any safer. Enjoy!

And you should also enjoy this week’s comment of the week:

“How wonderful being Dagwood must feel. Imagine seeing the world through his sclera-less eyes and processing it with his Dippity-Do-covered brain. When a homeless panhandler mysteriously disappears from the streets of his hometown, Dagwood’s assumption is: ‘Oh, he must have found gainful employment at a place that treats him like a human being of value. What a rich, fulfilling new life he must be living now.’” –Joe Blevins

And the hilarious runners up!

‘He’s plugging in heaven now’ ‘Getting potato chip crumbs all over a fluffy cloud’ ‘Holy shit we are so next'” –norbizness, on Twitter

“Okay then, tomorrow will be the day I have a little fun and shake things up. Blondie! Fetch my two-button shirt!” –Dan

“The bear in Slylock Fox looks more than a little disturbed about how they’re interrupting his shitting-in-the-woods regimen.” –Steve S

“Wilbur’s all like, ‘Remember when I should have died in the shipwreck, but I didn’t?’ And Dawn’s all like, ‘Yeah that was fucking awesome.'” –KreatureFeatures

“As a lifelong Illinoisan, I must point out that Josh has it backwards. The Illinois residents lined up at the river and mooned the Missouri residents. Because Missouri is saying ‘Show Me,’ see? So we showed Missourians our butts, ha ha! As residents of a state that has gone an entire fiscal year without a budget, and is known for jailing our governors, finally we have something to be proud of.” –Moon Over the Mississippi

“The ‘Sooper-Pooper Marvin’ doll was not a hit, mostly because it was completely disgusting, but also due to the fact it took twenty bucks of chocolate pudding to load it up each time.” –Voshkod

‘It sure is … right on the front page!’ helpfully shouts Abbey’s talking newspaper in a Siri-esque voice, shortly before yelling the entire article out loud and then screaming some of the nearby advertisements at the Spencer-Parkers.” –Brad

“I was really wondering about the haggard expression of DogMan there until I realized that his wife is staring at a blank television screen, telling the dog to jump up on the couch with her despite the fact she’s sitting in a chair. Do they even have a dog? Anyhow, ‘Pluggers who get dementia are maybe the lucky ones’ might be an appropriate alternate caption.” –pugfuggly

Horse breeder heiress?! I didn’t breed those horses, they were a gift from my parents! This joker better get his facts straight” –Doctor Handsome

“In that cramped attic there’s room for maybe two or three people to stand in line for the author meet ’n’ greet and autograph. So what are they going to do with all that extra space?” –Artist formerly known as Ben

Our son is alone in the Himalayas! Alone, except for all those monks. Heloise is alone in NYC, with 8.5 million other people. Sob! Remember that time that I was locked up for two years by Chatu’s men and everyone thought I was dead so you were on the high seas with Captain Savarna. Our kids were left here in a cave with a pygmy in charge. Those were good times. Not like now.” –hogenmogen

“Hootin’ Holler debate, degree of difficulty: both parties sober.” –lumaca morente

“I like to think that when type is bold-faced in Mary Worth, it’s indicative of the character’s human façade slipping for a moment as their words echo in their true voice of an ominous, fetid, rasping voice of an Old One. ‘Have you ever been DIFFERENT PEOPLE, Harlan? I have … If this form is not pleasing to you, I can take on a DIFFERENT GUISE to complete the MATING RITUAL and spawn 10,000 more WILBUR ABOMINATIONS into your world.’” –Dread

“Momentarily dumbfounded Dagwood quickly realized the young man wasn’t asking for money, merely holding a Starbucks cup. It was Liam, CEO of a local internet company. ‘Kids,’ thought Dagwood, chuckling to himself. ‘They think it’s fashionable to dress down for work, but look at me: full evening dress with a sporty red bow tie. I’m the REAL hipster here.’” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Wow, that’s a real shock. It’s almost so grim that I can’t bring myself to point out the bizarre way Gil is holding the phone with just his fingertips. Almost.” –Chyron HR

It was all Spider-Man’s idea! The blouse, the dishwashing gloves, the drapes doubling as a cape, the mustache, ALL OF IT.” –Tigernan Douglas Quinn, on Facebook

“When Dawn starts feeling down, she just shoves a sharp pencil deep into her ear a few times and thinks of Mary. It makes all the Bad Voices stop.” –Mumblix_Grumph

“What exactly is the dash in ‘en-tire’ meant to mean? That’s … that’s how everyone pronounces it, right? There’s nothing hillbillyish about that pronunciation, surely. Have I been saying the word wrong all these years? By unsettling me and making me doubt my own accent, I dub this the most gripping, emotionally engaging Gasoline Alley ever.” –Schroduck

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Weird, cool podcasted comments of the week

Guys! Don’t forget (if you’re in LA and don’t have an early bedtime) that I’m in a show of cool, weird shit at UCB Franklin, 5919 Franklin Ave in Los Feliz, tonight at midnight! I’ve seen other iterations of the show and the acts will definitely be cool and weird.

Tickets do sell out, so buy ’em online!

Also! I last week I was terribly remiss in letting you know that I was on the super fun Book Fight Podcast, talking about both my book and Jennifer Egan’s A Visit From The Goon Squad. I had a blast — check it out!

OK! With that out of the way, check out the top comment of the week!

‘Ooh Mark! Are you married?’ Yes Carina, I am! Hahaha, I’m just kiddin’, she’s dead. Ventriloquism is a useful survival skill! Use it to confuse mega predators, or amuse yourself! I’m Mark Trail, trapped forever in this cavern.” –Bunivasal

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Wait, the Count’s helicopter gets the same mileage as the Slylock-mobile? Weirdly should stop screwing around with killer robots and go into the general aviation manufacturing business. He’d make a mint, and would be able to afford the best legal beagles around to keep Inspector Fox from trying yet another frame-up job. And yes, they’d be actual beagles.” –dmsilev

“Weirdly has given much attention to robotics recently and he has been very successful. Maybe living in a world of sapient animals that have slaughtered humankind has finally put to rest every stupid question about ‘what is human’ and ‘ethics’. It’s all robots thinking about murder every moment of their life — or equivalent.” –Ettore

“Wow, Pam and Jeff sure aged a lot in ten years. Take your bets, Cancer? Stress? Cancerous Stress?” –DimensionalOtter

Everything on this platter was cooked on my grill! I don’t know how to make plates or buns or condiments or utensils on a grill, so it’s literally just a big heap of meat! No beverages, either! Enjoy!” –Doctor Handsome

“Oh look, a sexless, dull marriage has turned into a game of one-upmanship in order for these two to have some excitement. This is the most realistic Hi and Lois to date.” –Daria’s Son

“Meanwhile, an ad written in Serbo-Croatian warns Pam and Jeff that their Yugoslav-breakup-era war crimes are about to catch up with them.” –Nekrotzar

Separate word bubble for Carina’s name, because ‘Yes, [INSERT NAME], I am happily married!’ is a phrase Mark has learned to recite automatically, without any kind of suspicious pause for thought.” –Dan

“True to its town’s ‘Fuck it, Whatever’ spirit, the Westview Gazette is happy to print whatever nonsense people send in, as long as they pay the $15 for the ad space. And honestly, kudos to the joker who did send in that ad. He obviously knew full well that half a dozen egocentric old men around town would waste countless hours trying to decipher gibberish because they were sure it had something to do with themselves.” –pugfuggly

“How prescient of young Harry to write his name on the comic books! It’s like he knew that someday an unscrupulous person would try to steal them.” –Arabella

“Meanwhile, I’m busy trying to decipher the runes on Dolly’s shirt. I’m betting there’s a malapropism involved.” –Pozzo

These are like newsstand fresh — Unread, even! [breaks the comic’s spine and opens it wide to the relevant page] These may be the best condition copies that exist! [copies were stored without protection in a dusty attic for years] And they are worth a ton of cash, Rex! [price continues to drop as he holds the cover with his grubby bare hands]” –Enlong

‘Tonight I have other plans’: Dawn has practiced that sentence in front of the mirror for the past week because she has never had occasion to utter it before in her life.” –Lacey Wootton, on Facebook

“Dennis’s parents look strangely unhappy for a couple of people stocking their refrigerator with massive quantities of morphine.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“He told me to take a hike! Oh, this? The wizard staff was all me, going for a druid look this season.” –Bradley

“You know you’re a plugger when you’re 70 years old and still masturbating to a teenage Annette Funicello.” –Beppo1963

“Look at the tongue hanging out! He’s the Michael Jordan of rudimentary cryptography.” –Chareth Cutestory

“And that’s how Dawn stopped obsessing over Harlan Jones and began obsessing over Jennifer Lawrence. ‘No, Dawn, for the last time, I don’t know whether or not Jennifer practices yoga! Sheesh!’” –made of wince

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
  • Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.