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Metapost: The triumphant return of the comments of the week!

You thought I’d forgotten, didn’t you? Well, I didn’t. A full week of 2015 blogging is under my belt and here’s last week’s top comment:

“Hey kids! Do you want to be a detective like Slylock? Lick today’s comic, and you’ll be able to taste the salty seawater too! And be sure to lick every single Slylock comic strip you see from now on, whether it’s in the paper or on your monitor. You’ll help solve mysteries! What? You don’t want to? I guess you like crime. Have fun in jail.” –made of wince

And here are the very funny runners up!

“Uh, Les, you actually can keep Christmas in your heart all year long, even if — and this is a crucial distinction here — you don’t literally have a Christmas tree in your living room. You see, the word ‘heart’ has taken on a metaphorical … aw, forget it.” –Joe Blevins

“…oh, and feathers, I suppose. Not sure why I would forget about the feathers. It’s like … like we’re not ‘supposed’ to have them, somehow? I dunno. It’s just one of those things. Like beaks. The other day I made a play on words involving our ‘lips’ and only now it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve seen lips on any living thing, ever. Eh. I’ll try not thinking about that stuff now.” –Lenoxus

“My teenage daughters are always talking on the phone. Luckily, i spend my afternoons in a bar, so I don’t have to concern myself with anything they have to say.” –BigTed

Judge Parker: “I assume these boxed mashed potatoes are not the instant potato flakes you and I would buy, but, rather, actual mashed potatoes, prepared by Top Chef winner Bryan Voltaggio, then vacuum-sealed in a top-secret process that allows them to be boxed, sold, and shipped around the world. Sam and Abbey get them delivered free each week, because … well, even they don’t remember. They just do.” –bbofun

“Two kids working together for a decent wage? That smacks of unionism, and Ed is not having it.” –pugfuggly

Twelve bottles, two people, three days … my God, Abby, we might have to drink water! Like commoners! And fish! And common fish!” –Voshkod

“By 2020, ‘The Funnies’ will have been replaced as a heading by ‘The Psychosexually Horrifyings.’” –C. Sandy Cyst

“Actually, the heels might just be MaryLou’s way of amplifying the height difference between her and her mother in order to impress and intimidate. Clearly, she spent a lot of time thinking about how she’ll reveal her affair with a married man to her mother, how she’d nip the expected onslaught of (passive-)aggression in the bud by using techniques she learned on the Discovery Channel. Momma, however, throws MaryLou’s defenses off-kilter with a blasé witticism. Don’t look at us, MaryLou! Keep your eyes on your mother, because she’s about to strike!” –Alex Blaze

“Spider-Man, Spider-Man / watches TV like a lazy man / Without his wife, he’d be alone / Never learned how to silence his cell phone / Look out! Wherever there’s a loose brick, / or a pipe wielding thug named Rick / You’ll find unconscious Spider-Man!” –rbmalpha

“Like June Morgan, I also wear my wedding ring on my middle finger. That way, when I give my wife the finger, it has so much more depth and meaning.” –Lily Sincere

“I wonder how much Google is paying Spider-Man to advertise the fact that he owns an iPhone.” –Francisco Arrowroot

“Any contract between Sarah Morgan and her parents must surely end in the word ‘cornfield.’” –seismic-2

“I’m intrigued and disturbed by the fact that the moon seems to be spreading inky blackness rather than light. Garbage Ape is not pleased, Heathcliff. Garbage Ape is not pleased.” –Cthulhu Gnu

“In a way, I’m impressed that Spider-Man’s phone works. I thought he would have dodged this bullet because he’d been too lazy to recharge it.” –Droopy Says

‘I just fell off the Empire State Building but I’m okay’ is the new lunch selfie on Instagram.” –pastordan

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

Metapost: Josh talks comics elsewhere!

Hey y’all! A fun conversation I had with John Leavitt about the 1989 Brooke Shields Brenda Starr movie has been published on The Toast, so check that out! This movie is BONKERS and doesn’t get enough exposure in my opinion. It’s not officially available on video but has been broken into four parts and uploaded to YouTube, so it’s not too difficult to find if you look.

In non-comics but still-of-potential-interest news, I also wrote an article for ITworld about the difficulty of crowdfunding open source projects, so check that out as well!

Metapost: Santa brings you your comments of the week!

Your last comments of the week before Christmas, everybody! I’ll be blogging through next Wednesday but then you’re on your own until 2015. So enjoy this one, it’s gotta last until next year!

“That e-trollop used her hyper-sexed mark-up language to become his .com-cubine.” –grsblvnyk

And the very funny runners up!

“‘Traffic … traffic is the real menace.’ Thus Dennis dedicated his life to (unsuccessfully) building a flying car; he died alone, driven half insane from syphilis.” –rbmalpha

“They could consider wife swapping, but considering that their wives are identical except for the haircolor it might be easier just to swap a pair of wigs.” –John Plugger Mellencamp

“And so Billy’s Beat Poetry Christmas closed after one performance.” –C. Sandy Cyst

“I predict artificial hip.” –nescio

“I don’t think that’s a teacher. I think that’s just some random woman that nabs kids when they try to walk offstage, and has set her sights on Billy next. Mommy Keane has noticed her and is thinking, ‘You know what? I’m just going to let what happens happen.’” –Jack loves comics

“Inasmuch as the economy in Hootin’ Holler seems to be based on stealing chickens from one another, I am very confused by this sequence. Perhaps the Holler’s tribal customs mandate that the subject of theft is a taboo — a necessity that cannot be openly discussed? Anyway, it’s only a matter of time until the Feds start relocating various agencies into the area in a misguided effort at ‘development,’ which will become the favored local euphemism for mooching and feasting on the flesh of delicious, delicious eco-tourists.” –pastordan

“But just imagine if you had no context for this strip … there are these sad droopy people, weighed down by the burden of life, sitting at a diner where they literally nailed Santa to the window frame, and they’re talking about somebody named ‘The Funkman.’ And then the scene cuts to The Funkman himself, in a crowd. My first thought would be the association of ‘funk’ with ‘bad odor,’ and I’d wonder why the joke isn’t that the crowd parts around him with wavy lines, maybe flies, floating over his head. My second thought would be to question whether Robert Goulet is a regular in this strip, or if he’s just coincidentally holding center frame at the same airport as this Funkman.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Notice how the giant Heathcliff poster covers half the door, so that all must bow before entering. That’s no accident.” –Digger

9 Chickweed Lane: “And so we transition from The Wrongest Day to Is Paris Boring?” –Droopy Says

“Please tell me Gil said the words ‘no hoops for you’ in the vague foreign accent of Seinfeld’s Soup Nazi. It gives me pleasure to think of Gil as a would-be office comedian whose references haven’t been updated since the ’90s.” –Joe Blevins

“‘No pressure,’ Mary says as she contemplates suffocating herself with her oven-roasted sofa cushion.” –Lynn Larkin on Facebook

Meanwhile, Sean has been dead for over 20 minutes.” –RavenHawk

“Anyhow, sorry for interrupting with my ‘Bobby talk’. You were saying something about how I’m a terrible player? The metaphorical bottom of the barrel?” –pugfuggly

“So first Mary tried to use Sean to get Hanna to move to Somerset. And now Sean is trying to push Mary into moving to Somerset(!) This is like one of those action-packed political thrillers where everyone keeps double-crossing one another, except it’s about retirees arguing over their living arrangements while eating dessert.” –BigTed

Judge Parker: “I think someone called this yesterday: this isn’t business negotiation or marital trouble, it’s an extended form of very weird .001% foreplay. In a few hours (i.e., roughly six months), Rocky will have Godiva on a desk somewhere in the factory growing more aroused as he watches the dollar appreciate against the Thai Baht on his smartphone as Godiva talks dirty about what her husband is doing to American workers.” –Master Softheart

“SI.com, Feb. 17, 2037: ‘Coach stuffed into locker by own players; wet hair gives rise to rumors of alleged swirlee.’” –cheech wizard

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.