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New trend: Jersey hipsters embrace retro porch furniture

Apartment 3-G, 9/3/11

“Also, I thought people with the ability to teleport instantly across dozens or hundreds of feet of space in mid-sentence were only in terrifying sci-fi thrillers!”

Lu Ann’s shocking discovery that not all porch swings were ritually burned by squads of fanatics in the Great Outdoor Seating Purge of ’68 might make some sort of sense if she were a Manhattan native, since the closest such a person would get to a porch swing would be a wobbly folding chair left out on the fire escape in violation of building safety codes. But since she’s actually from South Dakota, a state I assume to be lousy with porched houses, I find her surprise puzzling. Maybe it’s like when you hide a baby’s toy under a blanket and the baby thinks that it no longer exists? “I haven’t seen a porch swing in months, I assumed they got rid of all of them!”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/3/11

“It also looks like I got engaged to someone without ever asking anything about her parents! I suppose I probably should have tried to find out more about you instead of blathering about my book and my dead wife and my book about my dead wife, constantly.”

31 responses to “New trend: Jersey hipsters embrace retro porch furniture”

  1. Chyron HR
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    If I wanted to see people on porch swings, I’d read Funkyshaft.

  2. sporknpork
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    “You see that picture with me and my father celebrating? That’s the day I almost killed a woman in a freak baseball accident and thought of only myself when our team lost. Les, we are truly meant for each other!”

  3. Lorne
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    I’m hoping Batiuk is setting us up for a Funkiverse Time Shift Revelation:
    “So if your father was Smokey Williams, you must know all about the Crankshaft Massacres! The fireball that engulfed his family… The Garden Club decapitations… And the final horrific school bus crash into the Icy Cuyahoga River… Your father could have stopped it all, but he just made it worse! Why? Why? WHY?”

  4. Windier E. Megatons
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    “It looks like I’m engaged to a jock! Which explains why, as a nerd, I just got my glasses broken. What, you didn’t think I could find a way to whine about even the most positive moments of my life? LES MOORE, MOTHERFUCKERS. RESPECT.”

  5. Mary, quite contrary
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    Cayla is such a great softball player, yet she seems to always be hitting people in the face. She’s secretly known as Cayla, the widow/widower maker. Oh, but wait… Les is already a widower. We’re reminded of this daily.

  6. Carly
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    You forgot “and my – sort of – movie about my dead wife and my money…”

  7. TheDiva
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    It’s too bad Les never met LuAnn. He could wax pseudo-philosophical on his front porch swing to his heart’s content, and she’d just be content to sit at his side thinking “Wow, a porch swing, how very quaint in a bland, suburban way!” They would be completely absorbed in their own tiny little worlds, and thus completely happy together.

  8. sporknpork
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:54 am [Reply]

    I’m pretty sure the only time someone has ever made a face like Lu Ann’s in the first panel was when one of the Three Stooges would get hit on the back of the head with a shovel.

  9. Tafadhali
    September 4th, 2011 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    “I know nothing about your interests or your family! Let’s get married!”

    Gee, that Les is a real attractive guy.

  10. Swordsmith
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @Soccerhead (#y178): I hate to be supporting of such a lame “joke”, but the Dagwood writer is correct here, if they’d used a male name, then you wouldn’t be able to do a patented Danny Kaye Spit Take when the salesman hears the blond woman calling what looks like a male by that name.

    “What do you think of this lamp Roger?”
    “Roger?!”

    “What do you think of this lamp, Rafael?”
    “Rafael?!”

    See it just doesn’t work. Not that the actual joke is much of a knee slapper, but you do need a cross gender reference to make it function at all.

  11. Snowshoecat
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:03 pm [Reply]

    In other toon news– JP: this has to be the most, um, interesting storyline since the year-long ten day cruise a few years back. Here we have a fabulously wealthy couple (as evidenced by the largest entryway pillars since Nero) looking for a motorhome/bus. They walk onto the lot and are greeted with the news that they are about to make a terrific money-saving deal! Wow!

    If they can’t decide, they could just buy the entire inventory.

    I must say, though, that salesman Sipper McSlurpy has the best combover EVER! Combine that with all that lovingly drawn facial hair and it almost makes the reader’s head explode. Almost.

  12. pugfuggly
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    A3G I think this strip is slowly turning into another superhero comic. Paul has the ability teleport himself and others, while Lu Ann can remain oblivious to her surroundings, no matter what extraordinary changes occur . Hmmm…I guess that makes Paul’s rude grandma the Professor X character then? She doesn’t actually have telepathy, of course, she just asks a lot of nosy questions…

    FW “Oh, your dad is Smokey Williams. I thought you said Smokey Robinson, you know, the King of Motown? No wonder he got all weird when I asked him to sing ‘Baby Don’t Cry’ for me….”

  13. Chris
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:23 pm [Reply]

    But enough about you…how do you think it makes me feel to find out that your father was a baseball star?

  14. Rocky Stoneaxe
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:44 pm [Reply]

    The Republicrats (a/k/a Repubocrats and Republocrats) and Demopublicans (a/k/a Demicans and Democans) both have a big tent, but neither is willing to make room for the likes of Paul Linski and Lu Ann Powers!

  15. Rusty
    September 4th, 2011 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    FW: Smokey Williams was apparently the Beach Ball Sultan of Swat, judging by that trophy.

  16. TheRealAaron
    September 4th, 2011 at 1:05 pm [Reply]

    @Windier E. Megatons (#4): I know this is a benevolent dictatorship, not a democracy, but I’m cast my Comment of the Week vote for you.

    So how to turn this into comic snark… uhhh… JOSH IS A FINK!

  17. Browns fan
    September 4th, 2011 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    The salesman in JP is Chester A. Arthur reincarnated!

  18. Chance
    September 4th, 2011 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    FW: The English language, despite its record-breaking vocabulary size, is too sparse to express any right-thinking reader upon seeing this strip. There is a dearth of existing adjectives to describe such poorly-thought-out schmaltz that only a new coinage such as “enragenauseated” or “punchalicious” can attempt to encompass.

  19. Chance
    September 4th, 2011 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    whoops, meant to say “…any right-thinking reader’s reaction upon…”

  20. Sihaya
    September 4th, 2011 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    Hasn’t Batiuk established the the Crankshaft timeline is ten years before the Funky timeline? If so, that means she was a teenaged mother (albeit one who never brought her toddler to her softball games). Good gravy, she *is* a Lisa clone. She’s right on schedule for that first bout of skin cancer brought on by so many afternoons of carefree ballgames.

  21. forgot
    September 4th, 2011 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    a3g; luann;all shes thinking about is ‘purdy flowers’

  22. Apeman
    September 4th, 2011 at 5:04 pm [Reply]

    Apartment 34-AA: Porch swing? Why don’t you just get a motor home? Oh, right. That’s been taken. Well, you guys could use their barn, since Sam and Abbey didn’t. Just be done by the time they get back.

  23. Monster Jamz
    September 4th, 2011 at 6:04 pm [Reply]

    just wanted to say that Josh’s Funky Winkerbean comment made me laugh out loud. funny funny stuff. but seriously, that comic sucks.

  24. Just some guy
    September 4th, 2011 at 7:32 pm [Reply]

    Les:
    Wait a second… that means you’re black, right? Uh, nevermind, engagement’s off…

  25. Spunde
    September 4th, 2011 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    FW: I find it touching that Cayla has the infamous “Family Circus” block-busting strip framed on her mantle. Unusually subtle social commentary for “Funky Winkerbean.”

  26. Liam
    September 4th, 2011 at 10:49 pm [Reply]

    A3G-Just wait Lu Ann, Paul wants to introduce you to swinging.

  27. greghousesgf
    September 5th, 2011 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    oh, god, 3G is crossing over with Twilight? that’s a real Reese’s peanut butter cup of suck!

  28. Cameron Wood
    September 5th, 2011 at 12:48 am [Reply]

    Given Batiuk’s love of puns, we may well be on the countdown for the day when, due to the fact that his fiance has more or less assumed the masculine role in the relationship, Les assumes an eerie alter-ego named Tucker Sackback.

    Which is a pun that won’t make sense to anyone who hasn’t seen “40 Year-Old Virgin,” but that won’t stop Batiuk.

  29. js
    September 5th, 2011 at 1:58 am [Reply]

    “Oh, you also have a father? Let me clean my glasses so that I don’t miss anything else.”

  30. Greg
    September 5th, 2011 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    FW: That’s right, Cayla, just smile mildly and smugly as Les talks about whatever idiotic thing is inside his brain. Now all you have to die soon and you’ll be the perfect wife!

  31. Anonymous
    September 7th, 2011 at 10:55 pm [Reply]

    blah, blah, blah . . . insert sardonic hipster comment here . . . blah, blah, blah

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