Archive: Funky Winkerbean

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Gasoline Alley, 9/19/17

Love-sick Rufus done got lost in the funnies! But his contract done restricted his wanderings to the premium content offerings from the Tribune Content Agency, LLC! Alas, it’s too late for him to woo Brenda Starr on the rebound, or hit the road with Annie. But maybe he’ll turn up as the twelfth Mudlark on field in Gil Thorp? As a lovable man-goat in Pluggers? Stark naked in Love Is?

Funky Winkerbean, 9/19/17

Hey it’s Funky Winkerbean, beloved product of Batom, Inc., with syndication in North America thoughtfully provided by North America Syndicate, Inc. It’s been a while, because last week was one long, tiresome block of exposition from Buck Bedlow, high-school rival of Bull Bushka here. Bull, of course, is suffering progressive mental deterioration from injuries sustained at the hands, shoulder pads, and helmet of this very guy, and now we learn how it happened: Bull was actually a pretty lousy football player. His memories of high-school glory are therefore false and terrible, and losing them will be no big deal.

“Wow, that takes a load off my mind, heh heh — thanks for stopping by, buddy!”

Andy Capp, 9/19/17

None of your fancy-schmancy chronic traumatic encephalopathy for treasured Creators Syndicate legacy character Andy Capp. He earns his memory loss.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/19/17

The Morgans — including newly-minted Morgan John Carter — at home. Rex consumes premium content from King Features Syndicate, a unit of media conglomerate Hearst Corporation, on some kind of antique flat foldy-paper thing; June does so in the normal, sensible way. The narration box reminds us that “time passes,” but I’m pretty sure Hearst has already got that figured out.


All that plugging, and still not a dime from the syndicates! Good thing the Comics Curmudgeon has such generous readers! Thank you!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 9/10/17

There’s a whole list of reasons why I’m super monogamous, and somewhere on the list is that the idea of two-timing just seems so stressful. Like, you have this whole elaborate web of lies that you have to keep up, and if just one of those lies is discovered, you have to quickly pivot to try to keep the other ones in place. So, yeah, I can’t say for sure that, if the college-aged girl I was dating and who I had previously and falsely assured that I was divorced discovered that I was not divorced, I wouldn’t blurt out “But if I told you I was still married, I knew you’d never sleep with me!” But that doesn’t stop me from finding it pretty funny that Dr. Ned did.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/10/17

I guess if you’ve been just making nonsensical wordplay in lieu of conversation for most of your late-middle and old age, once your mind finally does let go completely, your family won’t even notice! It’s really a blessing, except for you.

Mark Trail, 9/10/17

OH GOOD LET’S JUST GIVE A BIG “THANK YOU” TO THE MYSTERIOUS PETROLEUM-EATING MICROBES LIVING AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA

LET’S JUST ASSUME THAT THIS “NEW” TYPE OF “NATURALLY OCCURRING” LIFE FORM IS OUR “ALLY” AND WILL REMAIN SO INDEFINITELY

LET’S LOOK AT CUTE PICTURES OF SEA LIFE AND NOT VISUALIZE HUGE MICROBIAL MATS, DREDGED FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE GULF BY MONSTROUS HURRICANES AND CRAWLING ONTO LAND, CONSUMING THE OIL AND PLASTIC UPON WHICH WE’VE BUILT OUR CIVILIZATION

EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE JUST FINE

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Funky Winkerbean, 9/9/17

Welp, there he is: Crankshaft, definitively confirmed as alive in the Funky era! Ha … ha? His beloved red baseball cap has apparently long been stripped away, to reveal a constellation of liver spots and a few scraggly hairs. At least he still seems to be seethingly angry! Anyway, Mindy is trying to get through to his foggy mind in the only language he understands: phrases that aren’t really cliches or even malapropisms but kind of sound like they might be.

Mary Worth, 9/9/17

“Marriage is curious thing. I went into it a few years ago thinking that was it for me. Since I we met, I realized there was something more I wanted: more than one woman having sex with me, at the same time! Or, you know, two or more women who I’m having a sexual relationship with simultaneously. We have to work our way up to the same time part, ha ha! Anyway, your dad: still on that work trip, or…?”