Archive: Funky Winkerbean

Post Content

Hello everyone! I’m back and very grateful to Uncle Lumpy for his guest-blogging prowess … and extremely grateful for everyone who donated to the Comics Curmudgeon fundraiser! Individual thank-yous are, per usual, coming your way in the next week or so. And now, tanned, rested, and ready to take on … Dick Tracy? Sure, why not.

Dick Tracy, 9/14/20

Brenda Starr and Little Orphan Annie, two iconic long-running continuity strips, sadly came to an end in the last decade, but that hasn’t stopped Dick Tracy from still plugging along (because America likes violent cops more than it likes newspapers or orphans!) and gathering up its syndicate’s intellectual property into a Tribune Content Agency Cinematic Universe. Now Brenda is going to teach Annie and Dick’s half-alien granddaughter Honeymoon to write a journalistically rigorous feature article on … vampires? Sure, why not. I’m honestly surprised that the head of the University of Neo-Chicago’s Department of Ghouls and Draculas they’re interviewing isn’t named “Professor Stakes,” as that’s the sort of on-the-nose nomenclature this feature specializes in.

Crankshaft, 9/14/20

It’s a difficult environment out there for indie booksellers — especially when they have to compete against nice old ladies who operate unlicensed bookstores over their garage, flouting the ADA and any number of fire safety codes and just daring the city’s toothless permitting apparatus to shut them down.

The Lockhorns, 9/14/20

A lot about The Lockhorns, especially the fact that they spend most of their time in a semi-featureless void space, can be explained if you imagine that they’re kept captive in some kind of containment field, possibly floating in a sphere high above the earth, and the rest of the world watches a livestream of their dysfunctional antics for entertainment and/or as a cautionary example. In this alternate universe, journalists like Jake Tapper (?) comment on major milestones in their lives, and presumably everyone’s focus on them brings us together as a nation.

Mary Worth, 9/14/20

I was pretty dubious about Saul Helps A Tween Heal, but I am cautiously optimistic about Saul Woos A Giantess!

Funky Winkerbean, 9/14/20

Honey, just because you’re saying it louder doesn’t make it true

Post Content

The 2020 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser has ended — thank you, generous readers!

Well, pretty much all the newspaper comics have caught up with social distancing, personal protective equipment, and the whole shebang. No more escape from reality for us!

Six Chix 9/12/20

In this Slylock Fox prequel, it is only the animals’ disciplined hygiene that protects them against the plague that wipes out careless, inconsiderate humanity.

Zits 9/12/20

It’s ironic: the cheerleaders conceal their hotness to ensure that only the hot survive. Also, those outfits look hot, though not in a hot way.

Sherman’s Lagoon 9/12/20

Too grim? Then let’s all come together as a nation to tell this chirpy usurper that the one and only NOAA mascot is always and forever Mark Trail.

Funky Winkerbean 9/12/20

Nah, he’s still right behind you.

Phantom, 9/12/20

Charles Darwin once inferred the existence of a moth with an 11-inch proboscis from an orchid with an 11-inch nectary. By that same principle of complementarity, I infer that the 22nd Phantom will be [trumpets] Heloise Walker. Well that and the fact that I’ve been ‘shipping her for this for fourteen years.

A legendary hero/ine must have a nemesis, and Kadia Sahara is clearly emerging as Heloise’s. Kadia has:

  • Terrorist DNA from her father, Eric THE NOMAD Sahara.
  • Profound Daddy issues — Eric tried to murder Heloise, her college BFF/roomie.
  • A complex backstory and relationship with the hero/ine — Heloise is Kadia’s BFF, but beat up her Dad and put him in Gitmo.
  • As Imara announces here, Kadia now has access to global resources and connections that allow her to usurp her father’s role and carry out his mission

A couple of details need to be worked out, not least of which is there are now TWO terrorist masterminds imprisoned by the Walkers: Chatu in Wambesiland and Eric THE NOMAD in Gitmo. But it’s easily resolved: The Elder Phantom frees them both to “let them settle it” or some such nonsense; they fight it out for control of the organization; Chatu wins (have you SEEN that guy?); Kadia sneaks up and kills him in her supervillainess-defining moment, and takes over. Then Kadia knocks off Elder Phantom, Heloise swears a blood oath, young Kit takes another bong hit, yadda yadda yadda. All hail Kadia, THE NEWMAD.

An earlier, incomplete version of this post appeared early yesterday morning because I scheduled it to the wrong date. That’s right, I literally forgot about 9/11.

— Uncle Lumpy, America’s Worst American

Post Content

Click the banner to contribute by PayPal, or here for other options.

It’s the 2020 Comics Curmudgeon Summer Fundraiser! Hurry, it’s the very last day!

Six Chix, 9/11/20

Hmm. Is this a “guys don’t do dishes” joke? Is Blondie there a guy? Are these two in fact pretentious artists, and that’s a legit installation? If so, what’s the joke? Are the flies in on it? Hey, that lady’s wearing a beret! Maybe these are pretentious French artists washing down the last of their beautifully-prepared meal with a well-chosen wine, but they can’t be bothered to clean up or even bathe?

Funky Winkerbean 9/11/20

This is one of those conversations where the participants aren’t so much listening to one another as waiting for their own turn to talk. Or, in Funky’s case, whine. It’s not clear why a guy who avoids exercise and is a notorious jerk at the gym expects a medal, but hey, these guys.

And have you ever wondered why we don’t ever see Les Moore smile — I mean not just squeeze out one of those little sideways triangular smirky moue things, but really smile? Well now we know.

Mark Trail, 9/11/20

I’ll admit to being a real sissy when it comes to child- or animal-in-danger movies, stories, you name it. I’m glad this strip is a rerun because that way I know Andy will make it, and I won’t have to avert my eyes or even leave the theater the way I had to back when there were movies. On the other hand, I could watch “Mark runs briskly in place” all day long.

Mary Worth 9/11/20

Greta watches them approach. Yes, he’s “a big one,” all right — they both are, and their matching neckwear tells her all she needs to know. About Saul’s neediness, and her own role as bait in this sick charade.

— Uncle Lumpy