Archive: Funky Winkerbean

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/21/19

OK, here’s the deal: in general, I like it when the characters in Funky Winkerbean suffer, because I find them all morally and personally repellent. However, I don’t like it when they use their own suffering as proof of their nobility, and I actively despite it when everyone falls all over themselves to praise the sufferers for being amazing. Sure, Mason could play a dumb “action hero,” like Starbuck Jones, a character millions of people love and want to see on screen, or, as panel two shows suggests, like Wally, a guy who fought in a war and was held captive for years and now works at a depressing pizza parlor for a living, but he’d rather be remembered (by Oscar and Golden Globe voters) as a real hero: a guy who stayed married to his wife when she was diagnosed with cancer and was more or less supportive of her until she died, after which point he started cashing in and never stopped. At least when people gave the characters in Woody Wilson-era Judge Parker undeserved praise and cash, it was funny.

Gil Thorp, 10/21/19

Chet, I’m pretty sure that once you’ve achieved the rank of don within the mafia, you pay other people to act out, pull teachers’ hair, and throw scissors at classmates for you. I’m gonna need you to come back with a better metaphor for this one!

Dennis the Menace, 10/21/19

Not sure what I find funnier here: the idea that Dennis has some elaborate curtain/roller-shade window treatment in his room, that he uses his roller-shade for his “bad boy” art (a picture of a child with his tongue stuck out), or that this self-professed “menace” is too cowardly to let his mother know about his vandalism/budding art career.

Mary Worth, 10/21/19

Hot on the heels of discovering that Iris is fucking herself into a state of exhaustion with her new boytoy, we now learn that Wilbur is focusing on just singing with Estelle because he, too, worries about his own sexual stamina, as he idly stares at this bottle of “VIGOR VITAMINS” at the sketchy supplement store at the mall and wonders if they’ll be enough to restore his declining libido. There has been lots of talk in the comments about Iris and Wilbur improbably ending up back together, and finally we have a good reason why they should: they’re both just too tired to do it anymore, and honestly it would be kind of relief to be with someone who doesn’t expect anything from them, sexually.

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Funky Winkerbean, 10/17/19

Oh hey you guys, do you remember, how, way back in 2013, Lisa’s Story, Les’s sad-ass misery porn book about his dead wife, Lisa, got optioned for a movie deal? And Les got a huge check for it? But then he had a hard time writing the script, and then he did manage to write the script, but it sucked? And then he went to LA and the people who paid him enormous amounts of money to write the movie wanted to make it entertaining, and Les moped around the fancy hotel they put him up in, and Mason Jarre, the dumb idiot they cast to play Les who at that point was supposed to represent the worst of empty-headed Hollywood, didn’t even realize who Les was, and then Les was weird and condescending and gross to the actress cast as Lisa, and then Les exercised his right to get his “kill fee,” which in the Funkyverse is apparently the payment you get when you bail on the people who hired you and were counting on you, and finally the the whole production collapsed, and Les was thrilled about it? Well, it’s 2019 now, and it seems Mason Jarre, who is now one of the “good” characters in the strip, finally read Les’s terrible book, the one that was supposed to be adapted into the movie where he was going to play the main character! And now he wants to make a movie out of it! But this time he’s going to make it right, by which we mean it’s gonna be depressing as hell and suck ass. I’m very excited about this!

Crankshaft, 10/17/19

Meanwhile in Crankshaft, by which we mean ten years earlier, Pam and Jeff’s son and daughter-in-law have thrown a surprise birthday party for Pam, which has also doubled as an announcement that they’re having a baby, which has led Pam and Jeff to remember that birthday party back in college where the two of them had sex, a process which, under the right conditions, is ultimately what produces babies. Do you think they just went at it in front of everyone else at the party, or was Jeff the only one who showed up?

Six Chix, 10/17/19

This is it, guys. It’s the perfect comic strip. Start with the phrase “The pioneers of television,” the common saying we all know and love, and then draw some pioneers next to a sign that says “Television.” BOOM. PERFECTION. SHUT DOWN THE INDUSTRY, IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE

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Hi and Lois, 10/16/19

Because I’m both a comics obsessive and a transit obsessive, I’m reasonably sure that the only time we’ve ever seen Hi on the subway was during this non-canon crossover event. That tells me that Hi is not on his typical commute, which I assume usually takes him along the auxiliary interstate highway that connects his pedestrian-hostile suburban subdivision to the pedestrian-hostile office park where Foofram Industries has its regional HQ. But not today. Today, Hi has abandoned his car in the parking lot of the outermost stop on the regional transit system and is heading into the city to vanish forever into his new life. This phone call will just serve to postpone by a few precious hours the moment when Lois realizes he’s not coming back and starts calling the cops.

Mary Worth, 10/16/19

Wow, remember back in the ’00s, when downtown Santa Royale was a bleak slum full of thugs and fallen women where Mary was terrified to venture? Well, as in many cities, it became an outpost of Santa Royale’s boho arts community, who were attracted by cheap rents and embraced the aesthetic of the grit they helped displace, leading normies to conclude that the neighborhood was “getting better,” with in turn brought us here, to the final stage of gentrification: tech millionaires living in huge townhomes that take up almost an entire lot, which they presumably demolished the Downtown Women’s Shelter to build.

Judge Parker, 10/16/19

“Then I remembered that we’re, like, bonkers rich! Remember that time we bought an RV on whim that we didn’t need or even really want? So yeah, go ahead and build like three more commercial structures on our vast compound if you want, whatever.”

Funky Winkerbean, 10/16/19

“That’s why I had Bull murdered and made it look like a suicide! Wait, did I say that part out loud?”