Main content:


Metapost: Sorry, no 4/20 jokes, just the comments of the week!

Hello, everybody! Are you interested in this week’s top comment? Yes, of course you are.

“Whatever Spiderman is doing, it seems to please the gods of Asgard. ‘We behold the clenching of your thighs with great delight, mortal!’” –nescio

And the runners up, very amusing!

“Nola also has a vestigial nose between her disproportionately large eyes — all the better to smell Mary’s cup of I-told-you-so.” –Comcis Fan

“Wow, just look at Scott work his seduction magic! ‘She died so young and so tragically. I suppose I should tell you the whole story, it’s just that it makes me so sad, and angry, and sexily complicated…’” –pugfuggly

“Nothing destroys a foot fetish faster than a someone sporting feet with three, equal sized, bulging toes.” –Izzy

‘We may need him in case anyone shows up!’ What, like he’s going to be the receptionist?” –Hogenmogen

“Wait, you … you’re not a furry? You said the stilted code phrase and everything!” –bunivasal

In her reply to my second text, Summer suggested that I begin my sentences like a normal person.” –Chareth Cutestory

“The texting portion of this Funky Winkerbean plot had better wrap up soon, considering Nerd McNerderson’s felt need to give the rundown on the text message count. ‘Her reply to my second text,’ eh? Is there enough room in a speech balloon if this goes on for another week? ‘I just sent my 5th bewildered reply to her third threat of a restraining order. Or was it fourth? Who’s counting?’” –Brian Jones

“I mean, a proper Parker engagement ring would have a diamond big enough to stub your toe on if you accidentally dropped it. This is probably a Parker friendship ring.” –Mark B.

Thus begins a bizarre fetish for Dolly: she eventually grows up and marries an Oldsmobile. The family pretends not to notice, but they all die a little more than usual inside.” –Noel Schornhorst

“Could we please, sometime in the next few weeks, see Abbey and Sam riding over their land and talking about how many thousands of acres they own? I like my fantasies multifaceted.” –Poteet

I must thanks to all who put some cash into my tip jar! And we must give thanks to our advertisers:

  • Do you want to go to the moon?: Three lucky young winners will spend 172 hours on the moon at lunar base DARLAH 2. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime!
  • Twisted Psychological Suspense: To save her son, Megan must put herself at the mercy of a maniac. Is Glenn a cold-blooded killer out to destroy her world piece by piece, or is the truth even more twisted? Megan thought she knew fear, but her nightmare is only beginning … truth is more terrifying than fear!
  • Lexapros and Cons: In comedian Aaron Karo’s hilarious debut novel, Chuck Taylor knows his OCD is out of control. But to get a handle on his life, he’s going to have to break some hardcore habits … and get his hands dirty.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

51 responses to “Metapost: Sorry, no 4/20 jokes, just the comments of the week!”

  1. Uncle Lumpy
    April 20th, 2012 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to nescio and all the funny runners-up. But I’m gonna miss that sweet green boat.

  2. Horace Broon
    April 20th, 2012 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to all!

  3. Izzy
    April 20th, 2012 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    I made runner up for the first time ever!!
    …and the comment had a typo. Go figure.

  4. Zerowolf
    April 20th, 2012 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations nescio and this weeks float riders. Hmmmm they’re tossing brownies. Never heard of Lost Forest brand before. Say, anyone here ever really look at their hand.

  5. Zerowolf
    April 20th, 2012 at 7:23 pm [Reply]

    FW: I think we are witnessing the start of another Funky Winkerbean time jump, in this case Batiuk will send the Gay Rights Movement back 50 years.

  6. Señor Tortilla
    April 20th, 2012 at 7:51 pm [Reply]

    FUNKY WINKERBEAN SPOILER

    (to all those worried about it)
    CRISIS AVERTED, though Owen’s still a dick.

    Also coming: The love triangle gets thicker! Ill-informed Archie parodies!

  7. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    DtM — Dennis’ grandfather also loves peanut butter since it makes a natural denture adhesive.

    Congrats to this week’s winners!

  8. seismic-2
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#6): It is impossible to “spoil” Funky Winkerbean, since it automatically comes that way.

  9. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    @Izzy (#3): I made runner up for the first time ever!!
    …and the comment had a typo. Go figure.

    It was a funny typo?
    (Note to self: Try typos.)

  10. bats :[
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:54 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#9): yep, I already made a note of it. In the meantime, kudos and kandy-throwing to all the winnahs!!

  11. odinthor
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    Y#237. GeoGreg.

    The three die instantly from the fall, or from some sort of gas in the well, and Cody is left to contemplate the cruel machinations of fate in an uncaring universe.

    What do you mean “uncaring universe”? Three out of four FW characters die a horrible death, and the other is filled with life-long anguish? Sounds like sweet sweet justice to me.

  12. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:58 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, float-folk! I’d caught a few of these but missed many.

  13. odinthor
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#9):

    No, no—the typo was retained: “sporting” in someone sporting feet with three, equal sized, bulging toes. It was supposed to be snorting.

  14. Baka Gaijin
    April 20th, 2012 at 8:59 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to the floaters. Where’s the chocolate?

    @Sequitur (#Y229): What??? Finally, a sign that’s actually useful.

    @Izzy (#3): Which goes to show, we love everyone, evn those wo haren’t perfick.

  15. Mr. O'Malley
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Today is the 100th anniversary of the death of Bram Stoker.

  16. UncleJeff
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:10 pm [Reply]

    And the 100th anniversary of the opening of Fenway Park and Tiger Stadium!

    We don’t talk much about Keith Knight but his Knight Life strip today about a coupon for a free ride on the Zamboni at any ice rink, anywhere had me laugh out loud in a restaurant (I wonder how many kids will try to redeem that coupon).

  17. tallyHO
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#15):

    Bro. Bram Stoker?!?

    A hundred years!?!

    Someone should order everybody some Transylvanian stake-out!

    (congrats to the Comments O’ The Week. All of ‘em are funny.)

  18. Jamus The Bartender
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:26 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations nescio and everyone else. Happy Four Twenty Day everyone.
    And now….

    The Cat And The Curmudgeon
    Redemption: The Johnny Thomas Story
    Part One

    Four Months Ago
    This is bad news, Johnny…..bad news, the right Reverend John Thomas thought to himself.
    Four years of college, another two of divinity school, the purchase of a beat- up UHF station in West Virginia……ten years later, making three billion annually, before taxes, one of the biggest Christian cable networks in America, and next year we start healin’ the heathen Chinese and Africans.
    And you would throw it all away for a roll in the hay, he thought to himself as he took a drink of brandy,the bottle was a gift from a grateful parishoner. Looking out the window from the modestly priced hotel room, watching the trucks and cars roll by in the one in the morning darkness, Johnny asked himself, is this really worth it? I could lose it all. Look at Jimmy Swaggart. Jim Bakker. The press would have him for dinner.
    Is this really worth it?
    The “roll in the hay” in question padded out of the shower, naked, her breasts bouncing and growing firm in the cool air….her tail twitching between her legs…
    Her pointed ears perked up as she ran her petite paws up and down Johnny’s back, whispering, “Daddy…..babygirl wants to cuddle…..”. Pressing her legs up against his…
    Hell yes, it’s worth it, Johnny thought to himself

    April 20th, 2012
    “BABYBOY…..Jamus…..hey, you’ll never believe what happened today at Weenieworld…” Cassandra Cat called out, carrying groceries, with Ennie toddling behind her. While seated in the garage, trying to fix a stubborn air conditioner in time for summer, I said to hell with it and ran to pick up my daughter.
    “Ooo…hey pretty girl…..did you have fun today with Mommy?” I cooed at Ennie.
    “Shan-nun bit lady finga.” Ennie responded.
    I looked at Cass for an explanation. ” What now?”
    Cass explained the whole thing. “Okay, Toni Daytona was with her niece….at least I think it was her niece, i’m not really sure….anyway, she was with Shannon, getting hot dogs, but then Ann Eiffel was all, “Hey, i’m gonna be a massive bitch”, and Toni was all, “Bitch, you better step back.”, and TJ was there laughing at the whole thing, then Ann tried to take away Shannon’s cheap paper crown, because they didn’t order anything, then Shannon bit her finger.”
    I raised an eyebrow. ” What happened then?”
    “Oh, Toni and Shannon just walked off..”
    “Toni didn’t try to help or anything? I mean, she’s a trained paramedic or something…”
    Cass started unloading groceries. ” Oh, Ann SO started it, Jamus. She’s been nothing but trouble since she moved into town. The Ladies Auxilary says so. Mary Worth wants to head up a “meddle intervention” on behalf of the church. I never thought i’d say this, but i’m going along with Mary on this one…”
    “No, no, no….what I mean is….well, Toni could get sued, couldn’t she?”
    Cass folded her elbows. “Ann totally made the first move. SHE advanced on Shannon, ‘touching her without her consent’ . And i’ll swear to that. ”
    I shook my head. “I supposed it wouldn’t do any good to ask you not to get involved?”
    She kissed me and said something about being on a mission from God.
    “Where in hell did you get that?”
    “The Reverend Johnny said that. He’s on a mission to get enough money to build a three million dollar Christian learning center in the Sudan. And he’s halfway there.” Whenever Cass started watching the religious channels, I was never sure if she was after spiritual renewal, or looking for pointers on a long con.
    “He got that from the Blues Brothers, honey.” I smirked.
    “Whatever.”
    “Anything else happen today?” I asked.
    Rufus and Joel rode by in their wagon pulled by the mule who’s name I forget right now and am too lazy to look up. ” No, not really baby, ” Cass said wistfully, watching them ride by. ” You know this town, nothing ever really happens here.”

    Four Months Ago, again
    Johnny lay in bed, spent, drained….damn, she was fantastic, he thought. She did things to him his wife would never even THINK to do.
    And that tail of her’s.
    Goddamn, goddamn, goddamn, he thought to himself.
    ” Johnnnnneeeeee…” the lady in question whispered to him, her rough tounge licking at his neck and ear, drawing a claw down his chest. ” Kitty needs some money…..there’s rent to pay, and all kindsa bills….”
    Well, here we go again, Johnny thought to himself. In for a penny, in for a pound. He reached for his checkbook. ” How much this time?”

    “Five K’s should just cover it .”
    To Be Continued

  19. Señor Tortilla
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:28 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#8): Ha…

    …anyway, I’m guessing now that the “gay prom” storyline will involve two characters who we’ve never seen before, and will never see again!

  20. Esther Blodgett
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#6): It burns! It buuuurrrnnns!

    (Congrats to the float-riders!)

  21. kkarenb
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    With so much happening this week, no one has mentioned that the Pulitzer Prizes were announced on Monday and, once again, Tom Batiuk did not win. Nor did Brooke McEldowney, who was surely expecting a prize for the Nazi-boinking story. But Batiuk is already preparing his speech for next year when he expects to win for the upcoming gay prom-going students story.

  22. Chareth Cutestory
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:48 pm [Reply]

    @Izzy (#1): Does it really destroy the foot fetish, or send a fetishizer that much further through the looking glass? (A question posed just now on the internet)

  23. This Guy
    April 20th, 2012 at 9:52 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations, floaters!

    CdS: I’m not a real doctor, but I am a real worm. I am an actual worm. I live like a worm. I like to play the drums…

  24. Poteet
    April 20th, 2012 at 10:01 pm [Reply]

    Yay, I’m floating! Congratulations to winner nescio and the funny runners-up with whom I am proud and grateful to share the float, and I take this opportunity to hurl chocolate and also scarf it down in celebration. I’m throwing pieces of milk and dark, plus some of that fancy-schmancy heavy-on-the-cocoa-single-source stuff for those of you who have refined taste. Catch!

  25. Peanut Gallery
    April 20th, 2012 at 10:08 pm [Reply]

  26. Austria
    April 20th, 2012 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#6): See, now I’m a little disappointed. I was looking forward to poorly-executed drama.

    …I’m still going to draw “Ooh Mister Owen,” though. Because the world needs more Ooh Mister Darcy parodies.

  27. Chareth Cutestory
    April 20th, 2012 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#25): Asked and, damn my eyeballs, answered.

  28. Artist formerly known as Ben
    April 20th, 2012 at 10:26 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to nescio et al. It’s a lovely night for a float ride

  29. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    April 20th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    Congrats, floaty folk! :)

  30. Señor Tortilla
    April 20th, 2012 at 11:10 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#26): I know. “Hilariously awkward” would’ve been the keywords in there…but why does Owen AND Cody having a crush on Summer seem even worse? Both McEldowney and Evans have done wonders making heterosexual relationships seem creepy and unnatural, and Batiuk seems to be following them.

  31. Rocky Stoneaxe
    April 20th, 2012 at 11:44 pm [Reply]

    To celebrate the 116th birthday* of Spanish ventriloquist Señor Wences,
    Les Moore does his impression of “Johnny”. Using his mastubatory hand.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Se%C3%B1or_Wences

    *Wences passed away on April 20, 1999, aged 103 years and three days!

  32. Comcis Fan
    April 20th, 2012 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    Hey, thanks! And congrats to the other COTWers!

    These two FW guys are in the wrong strip. They seem just about right for Faye and Nona. Hilary’s spoken for, with her Jon, of course.

  33. Jim North
    April 21st, 2012 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    Hey, guys! I’ve been gone for . . . ooh, almost a year. What’d I miss?

    PS, congrats to all the floaters!

  34. Brian Jones
    April 21st, 2012 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Hurray! My first COTW mention! I swear I was just trying to keep up with all the rest of the funny folk.

  35. Droopy Says
    April 21st, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    The Amusing Spiderman: “Two Tickets to Off-off- Broadway!” The play is so bad that the star has to give free tickets in a desperate effort to prevent an empty house. And isn’t it fortunate that MJ just happened to have these Sixties-era tickets with her during her trip to and from Asgard?

    For Better or For Wankerbean: We still don’t know if Asshat Wearer is straight or gay. Considering his obsession with Summer Moore, we can’t even be sure he’s interested in sex. Meanwhile, if Summer turns out to be gay, what will Dead Lisa say in her next VHS tape?

    Mock Trail: This is getting to be a lot like the part of “Calamity Jane” where Doris Day learns that her cavalry-officer boyfriend has been abducted by Indians and has been tied to a tree. We’ll know for sure if Trail changes into buckskins and starts singing “Secret Love.”

    Family Circus: Grandpa’s ghost won’t mind if you driunk from his old mug. He knows Grandma washed out the cyanide that killed him, so there’s no risk that a melonhead will join him in the afterlife–they call it Heaven for a reason, you know.

  36. Baka Gaijin
    April 21st, 2012 at 1:21 am [Reply]

    @Jim North (#33): Let’s see. Mary Worth is in the back-patting afterglow phase of a meddling in which her involvement affected the meddlee in no way at all. None. And a few months ago there was promise of rainbow swirl ice cream but no ice cream of any kind was seen.

    Mark Trail, in a surprising twist, ran out of the house on a quest after having been home long enough to put his hat down and say 5 words to everyone after his previous quest ended.

    Spiderman, in an even more surprising twist, not only stood around and watched others save the day, he also almost let out the secret that he’s Spiderman.

    I hope you’re sitting down for this shocking tidbit: Marvin pooped himself.

    The people in Judge Parker got more unearned money and boobs, Boobs, BOOBS!

    I’ll let others fill you in on what you missed on the rest of the comic page’s antics while you were gone.

  37. Poteet
    April 21st, 2012 at 1:37 am [Reply]

    @Jim North (#33): Welcome back! You may be tempted to start reading 9CL just so you’ll understand what all the current vicious snarking is about, but for the sake of your sanity, resist. Don’t give in. Stand firm and refuse to look. It’s too late for me, but heed my warning and you can still be saved.

  38. Poteet
    April 21st, 2012 at 1:41 am [Reply]

    4/21 MT — I’ve visited various forests across the country and have never been in one where there WEREN’T plants growing between the big trees. LoFo is almost as weird as Mark.

  39. Poteet
    April 21st, 2012 at 1:45 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#35): We’ve only seen a little of MJ’s acting in the past few years, but that little was enough to make your empty-house hypothesis very plausible. If Lincoln had been watching MJ’s play, he might have shot himself in the head.

  40. commodorejohn
    April 21st, 2012 at 2:00 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#39): And man, it wasbelievable. I don’t know whether it speaks to the cartoonists’ talent or MJ’s lack thereof that those strips so perfectly conveyed the excruciation of watching a bad actor and being unable to throw fruit or jeer. (I’m going to guess it’s the latter, though, because come on, these are the Spider-Man cartoonists we’re talking about.)

  41. Jim North
    April 21st, 2012 at 2:20 am [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#36): Dammit! Somehow I sensed I was missing boobs. No wonder I’ve been depressed all year.

    And I also missed missing ice cream. Stupid work, making me miss missing all the cool stuff!

    @Poteet (#37): I kept telling myself last year “This 9CL is going to be my last!” And yet I continued reading it all the way up to my departure from this site entirely. It is like a scab, heady and potent, which demands to be picked at.

    DEMANDS.

    And I am afraid that I am far too much of a beefwit to resist its scabby call. After all, the next strip might be about the cat.

  42. Cal
    April 21st, 2012 at 2:47 am [Reply]

    Congratulations to the floaters!

    (Sorry, couldn’t miss a gripe about Saturday’s Luann: you know, when I was a child, and I bit people, I got punished for it. As much as the punishment hurt, I can’t help but think that it’s still slightly less hurtful — in the long run — than telling a child she’s “the queen of the world” for biting a perfect stranger.)

  43. Hairhead
    April 21st, 2012 at 3:09 am [Reply]

    Luann: Y’know, I thought this couldn’t get worse — but it is! Toni AND Brad congratulating Shannon for biting someone who was trying to take back WHAT WAS NOT HERS!! What is it about, “You get a crown if you buy something” that these two fuckheads do not understand. And can you imagine the future for Shannon if she is not only not punished for violent assault, but REWARDED for it?

    Police officeer: Hello, I am calling from Shannon’s school. Am I speaking to Toni Daytona?
    Toni: Yes, this is she.
    Police Officer: Ms. Daytona, your child–
    Toni: She’s not mine, she’s my brother’s!
    Police Officer: That’s not what it says on the birth certificate. Now, Ms. Daytona, your daughter, Shannon, just rammed a stick right though the eye of one of her classmates. The little girl has been blinded–
    Toni: It’s probably Britney, that bitch! Good for Shannon!
    Police Officer: Hmm. Ms. Daytona, we are going to take Shannon in custody as of right now, and you will be receiving a visit from Child Services. You’d better make yourself available–
    Toni: Whatever. I’m just waiting for my boyfriend to propose. If he doesn’t, I’ll have to quit my job.
    Police Officer: (whispers to someone else) Send someone from Mental Health, too!

  44. Doctor Handsome
    April 21st, 2012 at 4:41 am [Reply]

    Funny!

  45. Liam
    April 21st, 2012 at 6:51 am [Reply]

    Is anyone else having trouble with Comics Kingdom and sites dealing with them? I try going to them and they are down and any site dealing with them doesn’t bring them up. This is terrible because they have comics that my newspaper doesn’t carry.

  46. gleeb
    April 21st, 2012 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    Baldo: You know, guys, this Kumquat-style art shouldn’t absolve you from not having a proper gag in the strip.

    Brevity: Why is there a bar in a cave by an underground river?

    ‘shaft: So, school bus officials are just as corrupt as millions of schoolkids always suspected.

    ‘bean: Pfft. Like Owen can write.

    H&J: And no matter where you wind up, the agent gets a hefty fee, eh?

  47. The Ridger
    April 21st, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    So, essentially, Toni, Brad, and TJ have just taught Shannon that she can have anything she wants even if she doesn’t pay for it, and that it’s praiseworthy to commit assault to defend her right to steal stuff. Yeah, I don’t see that coming back to bite them in the butt later in life.

  48. The Ridger
    April 21st, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

  49. seismic-2
    April 21st, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Luann: Is Evans deliberately trying to make these characters as reprehensible as possible, or does he in fact believe they should be allowed to go through life Judge Parker-like doing anything they want, because they are all such specialest snowflakes?

  50. Mark B.
    April 21st, 2012 at 11:23 am [Reply]

    Yay, I’m back on the float for the first time in a long time. Josh never seems to pick the comments that I personally think are my funniest, but it just goes to show that if you’re the kind of guy who laughs at your own jokes, you’re probably not a great comedian. But it’s still a valuable skill.

  51. nescio
    April 23rd, 2012 at 6:56 am [Reply]

    Wow, what an honor. I never expected to get COTW again without working the gay porn angle again, or I would have checked on Friday. Congratulations to the runners-up!

Comments are closed for this post.