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Seriously, though, that gas-masked horse is a nightmare vision

Mary Worth, 6/28/12

Wow, so the letters that people write into Wilbur’s Ask Wendy advice column are … kind of abstract? I mean, usually people send notes to advice columnists with very specific questions, like “How can I convince my son to get a job and move out of the house?” or “What’s a polite way to tell my mother-in-law that how I cook isn’t any of her business?” or (scroll down to the second letter, which is the greatest letter to Dear Abby ever written) “My husband wants too much sex, should I let one of my horny friends sleep with him to take the pressure off me?” But if the letter we’re getting a glimpse of here is representative, Wilbur’s fans just write long, rambling diatribes about their overpowering ennui, full of sweeping, nonspecific complaints about our fallen age, and lacking any particular question or request for advice per se. Are these mopey types attracted to Ask Wendy because Wilbur himself is full of quiet but very deep despair, which radiates out on a frequency only other depressives can detect? Or do we have things the wrong way round — has Wilbur in fact been driven to the slough of despond by the incessant soul-crushing letters Wendy receives? You can see that Mary herself, normally indefatigable and chipper, is already buckling under the weight of sadness in panel one.

Wizard of Id, 6/28/12

In much cheerier news, the Black Death has arrived in Id, striking terror into the hearts of its inhabitants. If historical averages hold, the plague will kill a third to two-thirds of the characters in the strip, but we can always hope for more.

282 responses to “Seriously, though, that gas-masked horse is a nightmare vision”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Luann — Yada, yada, yada… let’s get this show on the road.

    Marmaduke — Those aren’t dog collars, by the way. Marm’s shopping for a penis ring at the Big ‘n Tall Doggie Store.

  2. Gunslinger
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth – That’s not a letter, it’s HAL. Times are getting tough for the old guy ever since Mary purchased him from NASA.

  3. Chareth Cutestory
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: If you ask me, it isn’t crushing existentialism that’s weighing Mary down but some very horrible office ergonomics. There is no wrist rest for her keyboard, so she has to concentrate to keep her wrists elevated. That chair is forcing her into ramrod straight posture, while that monitor keeps growing and shrinking.

  4. Ned Ryerson
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:36 am [Reply]

    What Quill has in mind is his tongue shoved so far down Luann’s throat he can taste her breakfast… for starters.

  5. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:37 am [Reply]

    FW-Is there a connection to cocaine with “snowball”? I first read this today and that is what I thought of.

    MW-How dare someone be jaded about people in Mary Worth’s world. Mary needs to drop everything including the “Ask Wendy” column and devote her entire time to this one person.

    A3G-I’m sorry Nina but there is a person inside of you trying to get out. Some people say that figuratively but in your case this is true.

  6. jvwalt
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    TWoI — Ah, the funny papers. Broad, featureless landscape (possibly borrowed from Crock?), the only sign of life is a clutch of scrawny vulture-things in the distance, its characters threatened on every side with horribly painful death. Now, that’s comedy!

  7. Ned Ryerson
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:40 am [Reply]

    The spirit of Dingo compels me to inform you of a sex act called snowballing. Look it up if you want.

  8. Mumblix Grumph
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:42 am [Reply]

    WID: To hell with the plague…I’d be more afraid of those flying snakes!

  9. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    MT – “Say! Someone left a perfectly good BB gun on the ground. Why…it is a Daisy Red Rider BB gun just like the one I had when I was just a little avid environmentalist. I think I will give this BB gun to Rusty and he can tie a string to the end of the barrel to use it for fishing!”

    “Trail! Don’t just stand there, you fool! …SHOOT IT!”

    “WHY would I want to shoot a grizzly in the butt with a BB gun that can be also used as a fishing pole? Do you think I am a numbskull or something?”

    “Well, actually, Trail, YES! Yes I do. Now, shoot the damn bear!!!”

  10. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:49 am [Reply]

    MW: Hey nature boy. You shoot that bear and you are just going to piss it off. You are not holding a high-powered hunting rifle. Just let Darwin be proved right once again.

    Not that Mark is all that bright but remember, these two yokels thought a gum wrapper was going to get them convicted of murder.

  11. teenchy
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#5):FW-Is there a connection to cocaine with “snowball”? I first read this today and that is what I thought of. Perhaps, but there’s another connection that works for Funky and his friend.

  12. UncleJeff
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#7): Ned is correct (Dingo would be proud of you, young Jedi).
    I think the term FW was looking for is “8 ball” (see: John Belushi).

    MW: Maybe….just maybe….we’re really going to see Mary do what she has done in parodies — either recommend one of her supplicants seek the succor of suicide or wind up herself on the railing of a bridge.

  13. teenchy
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:51 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#7): Dammit Ned, I should’ve scrolled down two posts before I replied. Sorry!

  14. nescio
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    WoI: No, it’s wabbit season.

    ASM: “All we have to do is hold our hands to our mouths and then they won’t know we’re talking about them, even though we’re three feet away and facing them.”

  15. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    A3G: What’s funnier in today’s strip: Tommy showing up looking like some kind of Midwife Scout in panel 1, or Drew’s look of anticipation in panel 2?

    “Examine? You mean you get to poke around in her lady-bits while she squirms in discomfort? That sounds just like the way I made that baby!”

    MW: Today we learn that Mary’s extraordinary Powers of Meddle don’t require her to even actually read the letter; instead, she bows her head to her Dark Lord as the Words of Pain infuse her brain. Soon, she will rise, more powerful than ever.

  16. Mark B.
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    MW: In Mary’s presence, even Siri is disheartened and depressed.

  17. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    @odinthor (#y317): A colleague in the linguistics department has been doing exactly that research—essentially, studying the effects of “multimodal literacies.” So far, she’s found that any time you introduce electronic media, comprehension and focus decrease. Reading online or on e-readers leads to lower comprehension. Allowing students to use laptops in class, for any purpose, leads to lower comprehension. It’s pretty interesting.

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#10): I was thinking that I really did not want Mark to shoot that poor bear, but now I’m kind of intrigued by the idea.

    And: Last night, I dreamed that I got Comment of the Week—but it was for something non-comics related and non-snarky, just one of those conversational comments. And in my dream, I thought, wow, I really do not understand Josh’s sense of humor!

  18. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:01 am [Reply]


    had comments, they got ninja’d by the internets.

    loved PBS, and someone show Dil their panties. (no, I’m not relinking the TV Tropes page to explain it.)

  19. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#15): Not Drew—Scott. They really all do look alike, don’t they?

  20. UncleJeff
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Ghost-who-sucker-punches-guys-and-throws-them-down-the-stairs: Eh. Not much else to say here.

    Rex Morgan, MD: Looks like Rex is about to blow chunks after learning Foster didn’t leave him all of the money he won in Vegas.

  21. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    Love Is. . . .nope. not going there. just not gonna.

  22. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Luann: “you with your bum up, yelling ‘more! More!! MORE!!!’”

  23. Pozzo
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Id: Bung, of course, has enough alcohol in his system to kill the plague germs. By the end of the month, expect him to be giggling madly while peeing on the festering corpse of the King.

  24. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:05 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#12): Actually, since the whole idea was to come up with a nickname for a white car, he could have called it “cue ball”. I rather like the idea of Funky’s smashing into a rack of other cars, day after day.

    June 28th, 2012 at 9:06 am [Reply]

    Nancy: Lord, I love that Fritzi Ritz.

  26. Dennis Jimenez
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    MW – Dear Wendy, Nobody pumps gasoline for my Duesenburg anymore, I can’t send a telegram, and I can’t find wax cyclinders for my Edison musiconium – I’ve become so jaded…

    BC – Prepared for mustard gas – or is it salsa gas for this conflict….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  27. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:09 am [Reply]

    The balloons popped with a loud BANG, several stranglers expired with a fluttering *pbpbpbptt* as they fell. The body hit with a wet splat, only partially disguised by the *honk* of the car horn as it was crushed against the pavement, and the Bap- – bap-babbapbap of one large red shoe that had come loose during the fall.

    dreamt by queek, approved by Baka Gaijin.

  28. Little Blue Bicycle
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    MW: Using the number pad and space bar, Mary answered the letter writer in a simple alphanumeric code: 12-9-6-5 9-19 2-18-21-20-1-12 4-1-23-14.

  29. Dono
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    “Hey, if it’s not too much trouble, you guys can bury me any time now,” thought Foster peacefully. “Anyone there? Hello?”

  30. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:10 am [Reply]

    FW – Breaking the fourth wall today to acknowledge that their creator is a vengeful god who enjoys taunting his victims. And, Funky is an idiot, because clearly he will die in a blizzard, trapped inside his car under a mountain of snow.

    A3G – God, this is rivaling MT for sheer stupidity. Don’t call the paramedics (they play by their rules – not ours!). Call the idiot who has no experience in this, complain that something has gone wrong and that you don’t know what to do, then be horrified that she expects to examine you to determine what is wrong. Did they expect Tommy to hold up her hands, read the vibes in the room, and announce that it is just gas pains?

    Scott: “Just gas – whew! So, she isn’t in labor?”

    Tommy: “Prrrrrrafffffp!!!! Whooo-eee, been holding that one in. What were you saying Scott? Shouldn’t you be paying attention to your wife, she is about to give birth!”

  31. Chip
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    MW: Sadly, every answer Mary will give in the paper is “Let’s meet over lunch, so we can discuss it!”

  32. Chip
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:18 am [Reply]

    A3G: Great! Tommie’s here! At last I can be free from pain. You know, the pain of pushing out a human being through my hoo-hoo?

  33. Chip
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    FW: They are flirting with the fourth wall! They’ve realized that they are doomed no matter what they do, and are trying to appease the gods of fate.

  34. Chip
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    MW: Ironic that Dawn writes to Wilbur’s column for help while he sits next to her blathering on!

  35. Black Drazon
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    Mary’s feeling the weight of her years as she feeds on the sadness of Wilbur’s patrons, but not to worry, she’s lopped off a few years with a youthful lower lip piercing of blasted ebon stone! Ah, the mid-life crises of the immortal and unkillable.

  36. lorne
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:27 am [Reply]

    I love Mary’s typing technique: One hand on the space bar, the other on the number pad. Her eyes may be processing the ennui of Wilbur/Wendy’s tormented souls, but her hands are playing Galaga.

  37. TheDiva
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:28 am [Reply]

    MW: Hey, Tom Batiuk has written in to Ask Wendy!

    WoI: Are you my mummy?

  38. odinthor
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:29 am [Reply]

    Baldo. — Yes, Gracie–you could “do better” by not taking on-line I.Q. tests!

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#17):

    Thanks–that’s what I suspected. I know that I “engage” differently with electronically-delivered data than I do with printed data. In appropriate situations (i.e., not where the subjects are obliged to make one choice over another, as perhaps in a classroom situation where the materials might only be available in one form or another), there’s also the factor of the nature of those who would choose one medium over the other (whether one group is characteristically more dedicated than the other group).

    People are focusing on the matter of availability of material (that e-readers make so much more available); but I think that’s putting the cart before the horse; what matters is what you get out of it. The very fact that so much more is available perhaps lessens the commitment to any one particular material (“Eh, this isn’t very exciting; lemme dip into something else”), with predictable results.

  39. Dood
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:30 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id: And here I thought it was duck season.

  40. Weaselboy
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    Luann: Adjective: A greater or additional amount or degree: “I poured myself more coffee”; “tell me more”.

  41. Mibbitmaker
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    New Pop Culture’s Kids is up!

    Factoring in Nina’s ability to disagree with the one she loves crushes on…

  42. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    I wonder what Mary’s reply will be, as typed on that keyboard with the world’s largest space bar:

    D e a r  J a d e d ,

    L i f e  r e a l l y  i s  b r u t a l ,  i s n ‘ t  i t ! ! !

    W e n d y

  43. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    Lame Pun Coon haz a response to today’s JUMBLE.

    double stinksquee.

    ikkle big kitteh.

    Quantum win.

    I can decide if this should be for mollificent or Poteet.

    Miyazaki cosplay for the Epic WIN.

    corgi with bubbles.

    resistance is futile.

  44. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#17):

    @odinthor (#y317): A colleague in the linguistics department has been doing exactly that research—essentially, studying the effects of “multimodal literacies.” So far, she’s found that any time you introduce electronic media, comprehension and focus decrease. Reading online or on e-readers leads to lower comprehension. Allowing students to use laptops in class, for any purpose, leads to lower comprehension. It’s pretty interesting.

    I saw something about that online. Didn’t really understand it though.

  45. Digger
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:43 am [Reply]

    Dear Jaded:
    Try lying around all day moaning “life is brutal” until someone offers to take you on a trip to Italy. Then be an ungrateful little turd about it.

  46. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    Barney Google: You don’t see four string banjoes much anymore. They used to be more common than the five string type.

    Bizarro: So, this guy Easter Island statue walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, I’ve got a great idea for a cartoon, wanna hear it?”

    Frazz: No! NO! Frazz, I like you, I really, do but, I don’t think we can be friends anymore. If you are going to make a pedantic joke, you have to check your facts. “-algia” is a Greek suffix, not Latin.

  47. geekwhisperer
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    MT I think if we look at the bear long enough, how it’s been frozen in that position since yesterday and today’s two panels, we’ll realize this is actually an animatronic one left over from a second-rate museum, a Bugaboo Creek restaurant or very possible a Chucky Cheese’s. Mark must have wheeled it over there.

    That would explain it being in THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE and why Mark seems so blase.

  48. TheDiva
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:48 am [Reply]

    9CL: Once again, Brooke, this behavior does not make Edda look charmingly flighty. It makes her look like a neurotic head case that no sane human being would want a long-term relationship with.

    A3G: I see Tommie’s idea for helping bring a baby into the world basically amounts to “like a Pap smear, only more so.”

    FW: Funky’s going to die in an avalanche, isn’t he?

    Luann: Well, now here’s a surprise! It looks like Quill wants to take the relationship with Luann to the next level! Instead of dancing around their feelings and engaging in immature innuendo, they’d be….well, dancing around their feelings and engaging in immature innuendo. But it would be official!

    MT: Killing a guy and framing the husband of your paramour for the crime? No problem? But telling Mark Trail to shoot a bear? Mike, you just signed your own death warrant.

  49. OMOT
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    Picking up on seismic-2′s comment, I will be shocked—shocked!— to discover that Mary’s very first Ask Wendy letter was written by anyone other than Dawn. This storyline is brutal.

  50. Here come the Judge
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Luann: Wow, Luann really started backpedaling once she found out what Quill really wants… I guess it should come as no surprise that, in her world, cockteasing is only fun if the guy doesn’t take you up on it.

    JP: Well, so far my theory that the owner of the pot plantation would be a young, stacked Middle Eastern woman with a gun has been totally shot to pieces. Looking more like a Deliverance remake all the time.

  51. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#7): Snowballing fits nicely with the “Mr. Frosty” reference in Thursday’s Hi & Lois. And yes, I think Lois is willing to have sex with the ice cream guy if he breaks his “promise” to Dot and Ditto.

  52. Downpuppy
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    Yes, Evans, we knew that Luann would forget why she dragged Quill into her bedroom. Now the only question is : Does Mark Trail have 2 bullets to spare to put these bozos out of our misery?

  53. Government Cheese
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Luann: I had no idea Luann was a closet prostitute – she’s already setting prices.

    MW: I’m assuming that Wilbur’s response to all his mail would be “Go to Italy! Try the breadsticks at the Olive Garden! Have a sandwich!”

  54. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    MW: I suppose we really shouldn’t be too harsh on Joe Giella’s bizarre depiction of a computer keyboard. After all, it is probably a specially designed one, to accommodate Wilbur’s unique 12-fingered typing style.

  55. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#44): I think she’s still investigating the reasons. But part of it might be that the physical act of receiving (and comprehending) communication might be pretty complex. She’s found, as part of her studies, that if students take notes on a laptop, they retain much less of the material than if they take notes by hand; there’s something about the physical act of writing that increases information retention. Perception and learning are pretty fascinating phenomena!

    On the other hand, I’ve seen studies indicating that students pay much closer attention to feedback on their essays when it’s hard-copy feedback and not electronic, and folks speculate that the electronic communication simply becomes part of the general e-”noise” that we’re all immersed in, making hard-copy feedback “special” and worthy of attention.

  56. Just Call Me E
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow – I didn’t know that Wilbur was actually Cary Tennis from Salon’s Since You Asked! (which I love by the way!)

  57. Esther Blodgett
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    MW: “Please,” Mary thinks blearily as the giant talking monitor rouses her yet again, “just let me sleep!

    Luann: Quill is going to suggest they take a trip to WeenieWorld, and Luann will jump off the bed and say, “Great! My brother’s friend TJ works there. Let me grab my jacket!” Wackiness ensues.

    PBS: To be honest, I don’t like her hair, either. But if she’s got one of those psycho Keanes on her side, I think I’ll keep my opinions to myself.

  58. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:02 am [Reply]

    Bizarro: So, this Easter Island statue walks into a bar, and the bartender says

    1) What is this? Some kind of a joke?
    2) Sorry, I can’t serve you. You’re already stoned.
    3) Hey, we have a drink named after you! Statue: You have a drink named Bob?
    4) So, it has come to this.
    5) We don’t serve your architype here!
    6) Moai? I think you’ve had enough already, buddy.

  59. Dood
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id: OK, Mr. Knight, plague him now! Plague him now!

  60. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    MT – As Mike Harris excitedly begins pulling the widow Chavez’s pants down to have a little fun, the grizzly, who is also the island’s guardian of morals and family values, ATTACKS the sex-crazed couple to prevent them from performing their discusting sexual escapades outside in broad daylight. The bear thinks to himself, “WHERE do those two think they are anyway, 9 Chickweed Lane?”

  61. Joe, the Upper-Evergreen Guy
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:05 am [Reply]

    FW: No, but CANCER sure will! Fucker.

    Luann: Remember Miguel?

  62. Drew Funk
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Hooray! We get to be treated to 3 frickin’ weeks of Mary staring at a computer now. If this does not end with her discovering she has a long lost son, I am going to be very disappointed.

  63. Marc
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:08 am [Reply]

    Luann- “Luann, I would really like to bone you. And now if you don’t mind, I have to get to bowling soon. What, you think I dressed like this of my own accord? I made a committment to my team, which is more of a committment than you’ve ever made to anything.”

    Mark Trail- Mark’s prints are all over every piece of evidence that he’s planning on using against Harris and the lady Chavez. Oh how I’d like to see the crimes pinned on Mark and see him on trial. Now that would be entertaining.

    Mary Worth- I’d like to think that Mary’s inexeprience with computers will cause her to attempt to retrieve a file by smashing the computer ala Zoolander.

    A3G- I love that Scott, Nina, and Tommie have all coordinated their outfits so they could match exactly. Looks like some kind of cult meeting.

    9CL- Hey Amos, still think that there’s no greater luck than Edda? You may want to get out of that room though because Juliet may still harbor those fantasies about killing you and burying you in a shallow grave.

    Funky- I’m trying to figure out what that shadow on Funky’s windshield is supposed to be. I can’t tell if it looks more like a gorilla with a knife in it’s back or a murderous bush pilot with his pop gun swung over his shoulder.

  64. Jim North
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:09 am [Reply]

    The world was stunned today as US Army Private Beetle Bailey walked directly onto the United Nations floors and began to speak random foreign-sounding nonsense syllables to the congregated delegates. Though no one is exactly certain what it was he was intending to communicate or how it managed to work so effectively all the same, his impassioned if bewildering speech somehow managed to cause peace between all the UN’s represented nations. Upon hearing the news of this most unusual event, Bailey’s commanding officer – Sergeant First Class Orville P. Snorkel – made a series of noises that could only be described as random garbage characters spewed forth from a computer printer on the fritz, liberally strewn throughout with small ringed planetoids. It is unknown at this time if this strange form of oratory is due to top secret military training at their home base of Camp Swampy, or if its origins lie with radiation leaking from the government toxic waste dump rumored to be situated near the camp’s location.

  65. twg
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    FW: I just … I don’t understand. Is he actually afraid someone is going to beat him up for giving his car a stupid name? Has that happened, ever, in the history of the world?

    9CL: YES RUN DON’T MARRY THAT LOSER! And whyyyyy does he still want to ask her btw? (Also aren’t they like 20? Because, yeah, that’s a great idea.)

    MW: Looks like Mary’s first letter is from Dawn? Why would she write to her dad’s advice column? Or like, does she not know it’s him? What the hell.

    Lame Spider-Man: Haha, the two people we are mere feet away from will never hear our whispering about them, haha!

  66. Erikios
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @Honey Badger, Does not give a shit (#10): Haha but…um change your reference initials to MT not MW. Not that combining Mary Worth and Mark Trail wouldn’t be pretty funny–actually it would be hilarious.

  67. tb4000
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:15 am [Reply]

    Id: Due to the constant anachronisms in this strip, it’s obvious they’re living in some post-apocalyptic timeframe and chose the Middle Ages as the era from the past in which to recreate society. That whole black plague thing is just part of the script. And now my head hurts.

  68. Ian Beste
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#58): Definitely number 6, but 5 is good and 3 is always a good go-to gag.

  69. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    MT – Fortunatly for Mark, he knew the exact time the total luner eclipse in panel #2 was scheduled to take place, allowing Mark to fetch Harris’s rifle and enjoy a chuckle while watching the bear tree the VILLAINOUS culprits.

  70. Cloudbuster
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    A3G: She’s moaning and groaning forever about getting Tommie there, she thinks something is “wrong” with her labor (Where’s the stork?!), and now that the medical professional she’s been hoping to be her savior has arrived … and she wants to examine her. Oh, the ridiculous things poor Nina has to put up with! “No, Tommie, don’t waste time examining me! You know about how babies arrive! You have to watch out for the stork because I’m in too much pain to sit at the window! Scott doesn’t understand about having babies! He’d just scare the stork away!”

    JP: Uh-oh, these are the opposite of lazy, poorly-motivated Mark Trail drug plant growers. These are highly organized and pro-active drug plant growers! I can’t believe they’re growing drugs in Sam’s part of Lost Forest!

    MT: I’ve been looking back over the rifle for the past few days. It’s clearly built like a lever-action, but in several images — especially 6/25 — you can see that it has no lever! It kind of looks like a Circuit Judge in that one, but it has a tube magazine, which the Circuit Judge has no need for (being a revolving cylinder rifle). The rifle is complete BS, is all I’m saying. Much like the rest of this plot.

    FW: No it’s droolingly stupid. It’s a reminder that people today aren’t really better thinkers than cavemen, they just have cooler tools. We live in a world where people use sci-fi level mobile phones to send text messages warning that shaking hands with a foreigner will make your penis disappear or send emails insisting that if you just forward the email to five people your wish will come true. College-educated morons pay feng-shui[*] experts to tell them how to arrange their living room. Much of the population is well-dressed, well fed, ignorant savages. The ironic thing? Take away their high-tech support system (to which they can claim no personal credit) and these people are less equipped to cope with basic survival than their “primitive” ancestors.

  71. This Guy
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#12): John Belushi did a lot of eight-balls, I’m sure, but what killed him was doing speedballs–a combination of cocaine and heroin.

  72. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:36 am [Reply]

    MT – For a SMALL ISLAND in a Georgia river located SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE, it sure does have some humugously large freshly-mown flat-grassy meadows. (As shown in Mark Trail’s panel #3 today).
    …That, or Lost Forest has the most polluted algae-covered river south of Mother McQueen’s algae infested green pond somewhere along the Canadian boarder!

  73. Honey Badger, Does not give a shit
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:38 am [Reply]

    @Erikios (#66): Thanks, early morning FU

  74. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#68): Thanks! If you run in to Bob Mankoff, put in a good word for me.

  75. Santa Royale With Cheese
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    MW: The rambling diatribes appear to be the cure for insomnia, or are doing nothing to cure her narcolepsy.

    S-M: Heyyyyy, that reporter looks like Hardy Laurel. And where was he when this whole Clown-9 silliness broke out?

    JP: Avery’s glasses must just be for reading, although this strip hasn’t supplied much evidence of that either. So instead of the MT/JP crossover people have been pining for, looks like we’re in for Mister Magoo.

  76. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    MW: That talking monitor has bored Mary to sleep in panel one. My monitor does that to me sometimes. Especially my work monitor.

  77. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    @Cloudbuster (#70): “MT: …The rifle is complete BS, is all I’m saying. Much like the rest of this plot!”

    No no no no, the rifle is not BS, it is BB, as in…Daisy Red Rider BB gun! Unfortunately for Mark, the cock-action lever broke off when Harris panicked and dropped the Daisy BB rifle on the ground.

  78. Tophat
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:42 am [Reply]

    Today’s Wizard of Id… it feels like there should be more, doesn’t it? Like there should be a second panel that’s just a close up of the knight’s face so you can see flames reflected in his helmet as he stoically says “COMMENCE THE CULLING.” Maybe that’s just me? I’ve always thought the creative team behind the Wizard of Id gleefully write and then forlornly crumple up a vast number of Black Death comics each year while muttering “someday, someday.”

  79. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#69): Solar eclipse, I think you mean. But that would explain it!

  80. kingklash
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Mary’s first letter is actually a gang-written cry for help from Charterstone itself. Now that Mary’s turned her powers to the outside world, The whole complex is in busybody withdrawl.

  81. btown
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:51 am [Reply]

    I guess we all should have seen this coming. Mary’s temporary gig as “Ask Wendy” is nothing more than an excuse to have her meddle people while sitting in front of a computer, thus making her EVEN MORE BORING.

    Mary Worth is the water of comic strips, automatically finding the laziest path to the lowest energy state.

  82. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:52 am [Reply]

    you know what would redeem this current Luann “plot”?

    Jeff and CeeCee, the Censor Sheep.

  83. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    MW: So that’s what a Dvorak keyboard looks like!

    // Next on bucket list: To hear spoken Esperanto.

    // Hey, I’ve had an eventful life.

  84. Ed Dravecky
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Reading Wizard of Id, I can’t get the sound of Mr. Ed asking “are you my mummy?” out of my head.

  85. mollificent
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:03 am [Reply]

  86. NoahSnark
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Wait – Mary Worth knows how to use a computer? Doesn’t that violate some cosmological constant?

  87. Dennis Jimenez
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    @Digger (#45): PS. I’ll bet your ass is at least a foot wider than your shoulders. Best Wishes – W.

  88. Voshkod
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    Those horse gas-masks really exist, and are even more eerie in real life. Lots of WW I pictures of them.

    See tonight’s nightmare for an example.

  89. Calvin\'s Cardboard Box
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#83):

    Try watching William Shatner in the 1966 Esperanto movie “Incubus”

  90. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#83): Don’t forget you got to meet bourbon babe, unbuckled.

  91. Poteet
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:10 am [Reply]

    W of Id — “Plague season”? What, this guy thinks the plague is like the flu?

  92. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:14 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#91): And the forecast is a high in the upper 80′s with seasonal plagues.

  93. Poteet
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#43): Yay! Next I want to see something singing “Everything’s Up to Date in Kansas City.”

  94. Poteet
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:22 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#92): That would have been perfect for Monty Python.

  95. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Mark B. (#16): snrk!

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#17): This explains why I never understand what people are saying here. If only the CC was printed on paper!

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#18): I write my comments in my computer’s little default text editor, having been skint by the blog software in the past.

    @TheDiva (#48): Funky’s going to die in an avalanche, isn’t he?

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#83): Dvorak keyboard is an interesting idea, but I much prefer the Clutsam, and the Janko even more.

  96. Poteet
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    LUANN — I’m out of touch with The Youth Of Today, but I’m pretty sure most of them aren’t like this.

  97. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:27 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#90): Exactly! Not much left in that bucket…


    - have Jack Elrod autograph ascot
    - win New Yorker caption contest
    - lunch with Takeru Kobayashi at Nathan’s
    - finish my Latin translation of Green Eggs and Ham
    - finish pig-Latin translation of Paradise Lost
    - lose hokey Marseilles accent when speaking otherwise flawless French
    - perfect ukulele version of Cage’s 4’33″
    - revive Ponziani opening in grandmaster chess
    - Profit!

  98. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Snuffy“Bluegrass?” “Or ol’ brown lawn clippin’s!!”
    Snuffy and Lukey are trying to guess what in tarnation those kids have been smoking.

    Dick – Wal, damn! If you like villains, this strip’s full of them! If you don’t like villains, you can watch the in-flight movie. If you don’t like movies, you can just look at Blaze. (Note to Darkgate: Locher and Killian have been off the strip for exactly as long as it’s been good now.)

    love is… – Looks like the price of orthodontia has doubled. Gotta bring in two babies if you want to afford braces.

  99. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:29 am [Reply]

    Luann – Oh, thank heaven, Quill’s not going to help her record another damn song. He just wants to molest her. I think we all dodged a bullet here.

    Mark – Michael and Lizardbreath are just this close to being killed by a bear. Hey, Mark! A lot of FOOB readers would pay you big money to look the other way for a minute or three.

    Grimm – Geese got hair!

  100. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    Soup – (Have I mentioned lately that Sarah likes to eat broccoli straight out of the freezer?)

    Family – “Don’t you remember, Dolly? They found out that the old story about cramps was false. Thirty years ago. Mom cried for days.”

    Id – Ha ha! It’s plague season! That’s… that’s funny, I guess.
    Oh, look! Up in the sky! It’s the beginning of a sing-along cartoon! Looks like today’s going to be The Crash Test Dummies’ “MMMM MMMM MMMM MMMM.” (Watch out for the bouncing ball.)

  101. Der Schnärkïnätör
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:32 am [Reply]

  102. Francisco Arrowroot
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    I look forward to Mary’s gradual transformation brought on by the constant torrent of human misery in Wilbur’s inbox. The slumping posture, the additional hair she finds left in her brush every morning, and the dawning realization that the only pure love left in this cold and complicated modern world is that between a person and a sandwich.

  103. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    FW-Days later Funky would run over a cat named Snowball.

    MT-It all depends on what “it” is referring to. When you say “it” are you talking about shooting the bear, the Widow Chavez, or the tree?

    MW-Underneath that facade we see that Mary is as bitter and cynical as the rest of us.

  104. Der Schnärkïnätör
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#24):
    Now that’s funny righ’ ther’ /Larry the Cable Guy

  105. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:38 am [Reply]

    Love Is-”Don’t worry kids the creepy dentist isn’t here to hurt you.”

    Wizard of Id-When it is plague season in Id the fault is placed on the “jesters”.

  106. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    MT: I keep thinking that what Tarzan had with the apes, Mark has with the bears. If we check out the back story on Mark we may find that he was raised by a sleuth of Grizzlies.

  107. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    … finish my Latin translation of Green Eggs and Ham

    Sum ??Samus.
    Samum sum??.
    Tu similis viridi ova et perna?

    It’s a work in progress.

  108. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#107): Now that’s strange!

  109. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:47 am [Reply]

    MW-”You think you have problems. I am substituting for an advice column and I am using equipment that I have no idea how to use.”

  110. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:51 am [Reply]

    Wizard of Id-It’s plague season. Time to blame it on society’s undesirables.

  111. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    According to Ripley…

    Waste from train toilets that corrodes and weakens the rails is partially responsible for the 15,000 deaths on Indian railways each year!

    Children remember, uric acid is not a play toy. Keep it in your diaper.

  112. Apeman
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:56 am [Reply]

    Mary Worthless: Why does Mary have her left hand on the letters and her right on the number pad? Her reply is going to begin, “Dear 4aded, 8 629w h8w y87 feel.”

  113. UncleJeff
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:59 am [Reply]

    WOI: I completely missed the gas mask on the horse when I first read the strip.
    I thought it was just the armored guy riding through town casually reminding its residents of the “special” on today’s “Menu of Death” in this poverty-stricken kingdom.

    A&J: Funny how Arlo was so suspicious about looking a gift sailboat in the mouth until he was led to think that he was in reality joining a plot to preserve the boat for his kid.

  114. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:00 pm [Reply]

    @Apeman (#112): Esperanto! No?

  115. Snarkotix Addict
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#5): FW-Is there a connection to cocaine with “snowball”? I first read this today and that is what I thought of.

    Speedball. But these young kids these days with their designer drugs and all wouldn’t know about that one.

  116. Snarkotix Addict
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#5): FW-Is there a connection to cocaine with “snowball”? I first read this today and that is what I thought of.

    I bet your second thought was “Specialest Snowflake.” In the “Snowball.” Does that have any connection to this being Summer’s first solo car date?

  117. Bill Peschel
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    With all the smut in today’s comics, it’s easy to overlook that in GT Amanda finally found a top. Now she can be a bottom all the time!

  118. Jon the Red
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    “Life is brutal,” Mary Worth types in the first draft of her reply to her first consultant. This is the first and last sentence she ever writes for Ask Wendy.

  119. Droopy Says
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    WoI: It’s the White Knight from the old Ajax laundry detergent commercials! But instead of using his lance to turn people’s clothing white, he strikes them down with the Black Death. Decades of unemployment and obscurity have turned him hard and bitter.

  120. Egg
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:12 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Brook, if Amos has ANY backbone he will run in the opposite direction and get on with his life. Edda is not cute – she is a fucking head case self-centered asshat – much like her creator.

  121. Egg
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    @twg (#65):

    9CL: They’re 26, which makes her actions and stupidity all the more annoying.

  122. bats :[
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:18 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#9): I feel the spirit of Pasqual (R=R) compelling me, or Mark, or something…

  123. Old School Allie Cat
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    Luann – Quill wants you to go “down under”, if you get my drift, Luann.

  124. Red Greenback
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

  125. Gringo
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    the Black Death has arrived in Id, striking terror into the hearts of its inhabitants. If historical averages hold, the plague will kill a third to two-thirds of the characters in the strip

    Bung will survive. He’s the Keith Richards of WOI thanks to having pickled his entire body.

  126. bats :[
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#91): we do sorta have a plague season in northern AZ/NM, when carriers like gophers, ground squirrels, etc. are more active and tend to be in closer contact with humans and hunted by domestic cats and dogs. It’s the summertime, but I’m sure that the WoI publishing this fact at the end of June is absolute sheer luck.

  127. Gringo
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    @Ned Ryerson (#4): What Quill has in mind is his tongue shoved so far down Luann’s throat he can taste her breakfast… for starters.

    Maybe it’s not her throat he wants to shove his tongue into.
    We can only hope, because that would likely cause Evans to keel over with a coronary.

  128. Gringo
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:28 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#124): Thanks for bringing up Esperanto. NOw I feel the urge to go watch Incubus again.

  129. Señor Tortilla
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    JP: So what, they can flaunt buxoms all the time but not utter the word “marijuana”? What the HECK is wrong with you people?

    9CL: I’m going with the Popeye “??????” to describe this.

    Crankshaft: And safely out of the bastard’s reach. Good cat!

    FW: If Funky curses Batiuk, it will make my day.

    MW: Man, Mary is lucky. I’d much rather have Mary get scandalous letters and only to see her expressions and gasps.

  130. Gringo
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:38 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#103): Days later Funky would run over a cat named Snowball.


    I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died.
    Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied.

  131. Borborygmy
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    @Señor Tortilla (#129): So what, they can flaunt buxoms all the time but not utter the word “marijuana”?

    “Buxom” is an adjective, not a noun… but sure, why not? It’s why we love them.

  132. Snarkotix Addict
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

    A3G We need a Comics Curmudgeon baby pool. I worked in an office once that had an office pool when someone was pregnant and everyone would guess things about the baby like the date of birth, gender, the weight and length, etc. In Nina’s case we could expand the list of baby characteristics: hair color, eye color, genus and species, etc.
    Nina’s been in labor since Monday, so I am guessing the baby will be born on Saturday.

  133. Marc
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    @Gringo (#130): And then voted for Sideshow Bob for mayor.

  134. terrapin
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @Here come the Judge (#50): Re:JP-And poor Avery looks just like a hog.

  135. Borborygmy
    June 28th, 2012 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#124): Professor Hill’s “think” system! It’s something, all right!

    // I’m a fan.

  136. sak
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    That tween’s journal entry of ennui, misanthropy, and general mopeyness is the Ask Wendy column. Mary is just doing research for her new unpaid internship.

  137. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#124): That link triggered the porn filter here at work…

  138. Mibbitmaker
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s turn at the advice column just hits the hights of sweeping melodrama right from the get-go. She just attracts these things like a magnet, doesn’t she? She knows it’ll be tough to get this person to come around to Mary’s up-with-people mindset — though do that she will. It’s Mary’s “individual mandate”.

  139. greghousesgf
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#77): heh heh heh heh heh mmheh, you said cock action, heh heh heh

  140. Calvin\'s Cardboard Box
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:28 pm [Reply]

    9CL – If your first, second, third, fourth, and fifth reactions to the concept of being proposed to are to flee the scene, that is a pretty good sign that you are not ready to get married.

    If your prospective fiancee’s first, second, etc. reactions to getting used to the possibility of possibly being proposed to are to gallop away like a parasaurolophus escaping a tyrannosaurid, that is a pretty good sign that you should not be asking the question any time soon.

  141. bats :[
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

  142. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Drew Funk (#62): Mary Worth’s estranged son is only “lost” in the sense that he’s currently in the United States Federal Witness Protection Program. In fact, he lied about witnessing the death of crime lord Don Rigoletto (at the hands of Wilson Fisk) just so he would be put into the program.

  143. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    MT: Let’s take a moment to consider the prospect of a criminal suspect confessing under duress—the threat of being munched on by a grizzly, say—and how much water that confession would hold in court. Okay, that’s done. We now return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense.

    Ziggy: The image of the dollar as a cranky oldster is surprisingly compelling.

    FW: Unbidden, the sexual definition of “snowball” provided in the film “Clerks” just popped into my head. If Funky gets a matching vanity plate his social life could get very interesting.

    C-Shaft: Further away from Crankshaft. Can you blame him?

    Better Half: But dog years means you’re going to die sooner, doesn’t it? This joke doesn’t seem to stand up to inspection.

    BSt: Portrait of Mary Worth, if she were more upfront about her voyeurism.

    JP: The cannabis farm’s security has just spotted Avery, and he still has his camera in hand. Landing conscious and in one piece isn’t looking like such a great move now.

    RMMD: As soon as he heard the word “blow”, Rex started giggling behind his hand. “I’m sorry, you were afraid he’d what?”

    GA: Long live the new flesh!

    BB: These ducks are too easy. See if Beetle can walk your walk before you trust him.

    H&L: Go ahead Mr. Frosty. I’m sure that leering evilly at neighborhood’s parents is great for building your customer base.

    DT: Running a criminal organization seems easier with The Godfather: The Game, doesn’t it?

    Phantom: Yeah well, if you changed into something a little less grapey, maybe you wouldn’t have had to knock him out so fast.

    PBS: You’ll like her kids, Larry. I think you’ll find you have a lot in common.

    DtM: “Honest, we didn’t know about the guy tied up in the back seat. Sorry he escaped.”

    Luann: We may or may not see the McEldowney hand-jive. There is one bit of good news here. No song.

    Lio: Kewt!

    S-M: Welcome to the club, guys. You’ll find there are days when you pity her husband, and other days when you just want to hit him with a brick.

    S4th: “Kind of like your masochistic embrace of the Seattle Mariners.”

    A3G: Nina should know she’s in good hands now. That sack Tommie is carrying says in a loud, clear voice, “Hey, let’s do some light mountain climbing.”

  144. UncleJeff
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:40 pm [Reply]

    @Snarkotix Addict (#132): OK. I’m in.
    Day of (published) birth — Wednesday, July 4th.
    Child — Female — to carry on the family tradition of women dying while giving birth to the next generation of women who will die while giving birth.
    Blonde hair. Indistinguishable eyes. Kinda looks like Winston Churchill.
    Mother — Oops, I guess she was right after all!
    Father — Oblivious. Going out the door to interrupt traffic.
    Tommie — Going back to the hospital with the paramedics. On a gurney.
    Margo — Conducting the Dark Mass.

  145. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:41 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#18):

    loved PBS, and someone show Dil their panties. (no, I’m not relinking the TV Tropes page to explain it.)

    Sorry about your comments. That’s an anime thing you’re talking about, though, isn’t it?

  146. This Guy
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:47 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#83): To hear spoken Esperanto: watch Red Dwarf. It’s that easy. Unfortunately, I can’t just now find a YouTube clip of Rimmer practicing his Esperanto and being rubbish at it.

  147. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#84): Reading Wizard of Id, I can’t get the sound of Mr. Ed asking “are you my mummy?” out of my head.

    “Are you my mummy?”
    “That depends. Are you my Mickey?”

  148. gleeb
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:50 pm [Reply]

    @twg (#65): No, fat failure Funky is afraid of the Happiness Police.

  149. Artist formerly known as Ben
    June 28th, 2012 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#44): ICWUDT
    Hope she didn’t find that cute messageboard acronyms are part of the problem.

  150. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#144): Length: 15 inches, minus the half cut off below the bottom of the panel–so, 7.5.

  151. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:06 pm [Reply]

  152. Calico
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:12 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#53):
    The Olive Garden a la MadTV: (Not-so-great quality-don’t you love it when folks still think the Kinescopic approach is still the best?)

  153. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    Mandrake — Gangster “Champ” Kooner is really the Dunkin’ Donuts Guy:

  154. Dennis Jimenez
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:21 pm [Reply]

    I wonder where one might find a the lyrics to “The International” ( ) in Esperanto….

  155. Red Greenback
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:23 pm [Reply]

    @Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol (#137): That’s odd. But then again there’s the possibility that Salvador Dali teaches Rex Harrison how to say “butterfly” could be a sex act so depraved that it is only known to prudes… Life is brutal.

  156. yaoi huntress earth
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:44 pm [Reply]

    Curtis: Step aside Elly Patterson, we may have found a more self-absorbed, bitter wanna-be martyr and this one isn’t even passive-aggressive.

  157. Hogenmogen
    June 28th, 2012 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    Id: It’s “plague season”, implying that it happens every year? And to celebrate, knights in armor roam the countryside, to skewer the dead and/or merely tired-looking?

    “I’m not dead yet!”

  158. Hogenmogen
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    Quill: Hey, Luann. Your parents are out for the next few hours? Oh, is this your bedroom? Yes, I am a healthy, supposedly-hetero 17-year-old cauldron of steaming hot hormones and you are a somewhat attractive girl who blatantly wants to jump my bones. That’s why we’re both sitting on your bed fully clothed making up flimsy reaons to not have sex.

  159. Poteet
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#126): Wow, the things I learn here. Thanks.

  160. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    MW-Mary is confronted with that eternal problem of trying to find the “any” key.

    Sally Forth-”We find it better to indulge dad in his little fantasies than to wake up in the middle of the night with him looking down on us with an ax in his hands.”

  161. Horace Broon
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    A3G: You know what would be awesome? If the baby isn’t coming at all, and Nina just has really bad indigestion. And by “awesome”, I mean “a horrendous anticlimax, but it would confirm my opinion of everyone involved’s intelligence.”

    BB: Beetle is a dirty hippy who wants to appease America’s enemies.

    Blondie Ha! Tweets! It’s funny because technology!

    OTF: A bunch of strangers at a party … a pile of car keys … I think I’ve seen this movie.

    Pluggers: Pluggers stoically perform the back-breaking labour of dragging an antique mower across the grass, but have never engaged in any physical activity that might be “fun”.

    S4th: “We’ve also decided not to let him have sharp objects.”

  162. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    Gil Thorp-Sounds like Amanda was tired of being a bottom with no top.

  163. commodorejohn
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:40 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Nina, a speculum is the last thing you should be worrying about at the moment. (Now, worrying about why Tommie thinks it’s a good idea at this point is perfectly valid.)

    BBlue – Wow. Zoe’s a little ho. The hell have you been teaching her, Wanda?

    DT – Honestly, the threat will probably be neutralized when Tracy busts in on what appears to be a comics-nerd pajama party expecting a gang of hardened criminals, and promptly breaks down laughing.

    Dilbert – Zing.

    FW – No, that’s not actually clever at all. It’s really pretty stupid.

    HN – See, when you play Dick Tracy, you don’t need no stinkin’ warrant.

    JP – Oh man oh man, look at the facial hair on that guy! It’s true, Sam and Avery have actually wound up in Mark Trail! Oh, I cannot wait to watch this unfold. (Question: will Peaches look half as good in the obligatory mom jeans and lavender blouse?)

    Lola – Did Lola’s writing just cause an order of fries to materialize on the bench? This is the weirdest version of Harold and the Purple Crayon ever.

    Luann – Is this their idea of foreplay?

    MT – At this point, the death of any of these idiots is completely merited.

    MW – I love the keyboard. Does Mary special-order from a place that deals in Commodore PET replicas? I was wondering why she’s using the numpad in the process of responding to an email, but then I noticed that there are no arrow keys proper – good thing she has NumLock off!

    Momma – Actually, all you have to do is bill yourself as “alternative medicine.” As long as you remember to never make any direct claims about efficacy, you can’t be sued for false advertising! (Hint for first-timers: “testimonials” don’t count as direct claims!) (Additional hint: “Testimonials” can be had from just about anyone, if you grease their palms a bit!)

    PBS – Oh, wonderful.

    Phantom – Good job there, Ghost-Who-Punches-People-Down-Stairs, I’m sure that hardly broke his spine at all.

    SF – Oh, I love this strip.

  164. Horace Broon
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:50 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#17):

    I can believe that. I can be reading something I’m very interested in on screen, and suddenly realise I’ve been staring into space for three or four pages. If I do that when reading a paper book, it’s a sign I’m not really interested. Turning a page focuses the attention, scrolling down seems to defocus it.

    There was an interview with Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter on BBC Radio 4 this week, and they said much the same thing when asked about “the future of books”.

  165. Girl Reporter
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:51 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#44): Snurk!

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#55): Hmm. I wonder what makes the difference between the physical acts of writing and typing. It seems that both start with the brain putting the letters together first, and then sending the impulses to move the fingers.

  166. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#163): SF – Oh, I love this strip.

    I don’t normally care for the “six difference” strips, but this one reminds me of one of my favorite classic New Yorker cartoons, only there the dog looks guilty, and the lady says to her husband, “Isn’t it cunning, he’s feeling guilty about something!”

  167. SurrealKangaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:54 pm [Reply]

    Your snark at Wizard of Id really made my day.

  168. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:55 pm [Reply]

    What the chocolate fudge is going on here?? Our Les is off on The Adventure of a Lifetime and it’s happening without us? We’ve already missed his clever put-downs of the TSA employees and the white-knuckle plane landing where Les had to calm the hysterical passengers with his wit and whimsy. They are probably half-way up the mountain by now, with Les keeping everyone’s spirits up by making clever puns.

    Meanwhile, we are subjected to random nonsense from Funky and Crazy Harry about car-leasing, of all things. At least we don’t have to see rhymes-with-witch Cayla “handle the wedding arrangements” Maybe in this time apart she’ll realize that she doesn’t really deserve Les, as her family keeps telling her.

    We miss you, Les
    Susan Smith, President

  169. kkarenb
    June 28th, 2012 at 3:57 pm [Reply]

    A3G – Tommie can examine her, but it won’t do any good. You can’t fix stupid.

    Do Crankshaft’s Pam and Jeff know that another Mouseketeer has died (for real)? Don Grady, who was an original Mouseketeer but was better known for “My Three Sons,” died yesterday. I guess we’ll see this in Crankshaft in a year or so.

  170. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#160): MW should just relax and have a Tab.

  171. New World Okra
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#153): TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS!!!!!

  172. Jasper
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:05 pm [Reply]

    MT- Is that a fence in the background of this desolate river island somewhere in the southern part of the state? And why is it covering Mike Harris.
    Put the gun down, Trail. One of those dead branches is bound to give way. I paid to see a mauling and by Jim, that’s what I am going to see.

    MW- I fear a bad case of carpel tunnel coming on for Mary.

    LuAnn- In real life these two would be grinding pubic mounds together by now, but in LuAnn world . . . Quill, you stupid fuck, if its a piece of ass you want, just go bang Tiffany.

  173. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:09 pm [Reply]

    MT – Mark enlists the grizzly bear’s help in tieing the VILLAINOUS couple to the dead tree stump and leaves them in the wilderness until the clean up crew comes to fetch them. While Mark and the grizzly paddle away in their respective canoes, Mark exclaims…”This is just like deja vu all over again!”

  174. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Les Moore Fan Club, LLC (#168): I suspect that Les is already on his way back to the USA, in a full-body cast. (He didn’t meet disaster in climbing up Mount Kilimanjaro; instead, he fell down the elevator shaft before he ever reached his hotel room.)

  175. New World Okra
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:15 pm [Reply]

  176. pugfuggly
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:22 pm [Reply]

    ASM I really hope the camera mic picked up that little whispered conversation, just to toss a little more salt in Peter’s wounds as he watches the live feed at home.

    A3G Just look at Scott’s smile “Well, Tommie is here so my job is done. I’ll be out on the deck enjoying a cigar, awaiting that little miracle of ours. If you need anything, I think Mrs Rothstein is in next door…”

    MT “I’m an outdoorsman, I could never shoot a bear! However, I have no moral qualms about watching one devour two humans I’m not very fond of. By the way, did you know that grizzlies can climb trees?”

    MW Ha ha, Mary’s already so jaded on her first day on the job that she’s literally falling asleep reading about her reader’s problems. I guess it just isn’t the same as doing the job in person, when you can really taste their pain, eh Mary?

  177. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:32 pm [Reply]

    I like to think that Les is in the trunk of Funky’s old car.

  178. Les Moore Fan Club, LLC
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:39 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#177): NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  179. kanomi
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    Suggested Challenge: Who can write the most depressing “Dear Ask Wendy?” letter? Stipulation: must be in the voice of a comic strip character. Minus points if from obvious pits of despair, like Westview High or the Ziggatorium.

    “Deer ask Wendy,

    Im sorra I dont rite good. I no sposed to rite to hoomans. My name is max maus. I live in aminal town neer you but not part of it. We is ruled by carny vores. They et us all. but they have a POLICE and jujdes. the POLICE and jujdes is all carny vores. the jujde is an owl. the POLICE I spelt it rite its on the wall is all carny vores. Like sly lock fox.

    He make me go with him to them crimes the carny vores made. I have to say he is rite or I mite get et and my hole famly two. If we say the rong carny vore made it, we get et up.

    We live in big fear of the carny vores. I have to pertend its O.K.!!! Its all rite, Sly lock fox is all ways rite. My life is a lye. I am scairt I get et.

    Pleze help us Wendy!

    /s/ Max mous

  180. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    MW-I don’t know why that woman is upset about becoming jaded. Jade makes for lovely jewelry.

  181. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 4:57 pm [Reply]

    Deer Wendi,

    There is a zeba living nex dor to us. We wan to eat the zeba but he no want us to eat em. Can you tell us how to eat zeba neighbor?

    Hungry Crocs

  182. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:09 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I love my job, but wearing Spandex in the tropics is giving me huge boils. Baby powder isn’t helping, and the missus says the sight is not conducive to intimacy, if you know what I mean. What can you suggest?


  183. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:12 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I’m so lonely. Where can I find a decent 19-year old who understands and loves technology as much as I do? My tie has not lain flat in many years. Must love dogs.


  184. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:13 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    Help me, I think I have the plague -


  185. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    My cat Carlyle would like the recipe for salmon squares.

    Kit (not the one with the spandex problem)

  186. Voshkod
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:14 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    My father is making me go to Italy with him. I’m twenty-two, for God’s sake, and all he wants to do is drag me to Italian delis for sandwiches!


    Life is Brutal

  187. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:18 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I am a hot blooded, not-yet-over-the-hill woman of a certain age. My husband is a fat, chain-smoking low wage earner and I am stuck in the house with our two kids, a bratty eleven-year old who is in trouble every single day, and a clingy eight year old with dwarfism who acts like a toddler. I am considering a fling with an experienced man. The problem is, he’s a barber and my kid is always hanging around his shop. Should I chance it?


  188. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:19 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I am a shark. Can modern medicine do anything about this?


  189. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:22 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    Hi, I am a gay teenager. All I wanted to do was go to my prom with my boyfriend. The prom was weeks ago and I am still tied to the top of the goal post. Can someone please get me down? PS, my boyfriend is tied to the other goal post. I think he may have cancer.

    Ticked off in Westview

  190. Lynn
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:26 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I feel compelled to read ALL the comics in both my daily papers, even if I hate them. Moose Miller makes me homicidal. My life has become totally unmanageable. I thought it was bad before, but now there’s this website I keep getting stuck on – what should I do?


  191. Shrug
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @geekwhisperer (#47):

    It’s been pointed out that grizzly bears are not found around Georgia (which seems to be our best guess at locale of Lost Forest), so I don’t think this adventure can be taking place in The Southern Part of the State. Maybe we could compromise and assume it’s taking place in the Northern Part of the Southern Part of the State?

  192. Shrug
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:36 pm [Reply]

    @Drew Funk (#62):

    I doubt that Mary Worth is up to speed on computer security, so everyone who writes to her is about to get in reply an offer from a politician out of favor with the current regime to help shift some money out of a bank in Pakistan.

    Life is Bhutto.

  193. Shrug
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#58):

    “Sorry, can’t serve you; you’re obviously already stoned.”

    “Let me guess — you’ll want one with a head on it?”

  194. Sansa
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:40 pm [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#37):

    MW: WIN.

  195. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:50 pm [Reply]

    @Girl Reporter (#165): I always got the best results from class notes when I took notes by hand and drew lots of pictures. The different things work together; hearing, writing, drawing, reading. The last class I was in went so fast, though, that only my typing speed on the computer could keep up with the PowerPoint presentations the teacher favored.

    @Jasper (#172): Quill, you stupid fuck, if its a piece of ass you want, just go bang Tiffany.
    He has. Why do you think he pays absolutely no attention to her?

    I just wonder how long before they find out that “Quill” is local Aussie slang for “dick.”

  196. Joshua
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:51 pm [Reply]

    Popeye: How could Olive have spent only $46.20 from her fortune? Didn’t she give Wimpy $10,000 to buy a hamburger a few weeks back?

  197. Shrug
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    @Egg (#121):

    “9CL: They’re 26, which makes her actions and stupidity all the more annoying.”

    26 each, or 26 all added together?

  198. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I never thought I’d be writing this letter. I never thought this could happen to me. A month or so back, I was in an office on business, and the secretary was a smoking hottie who I swear looked like she could still be in freaking high school — Hollywood High, to be precise.

    Anyway, I was in there for five minutes, and, honest to God, she never threw herself at me once. Not once!

    I’m told this happens to men sometimes, but it never happened to me! Even though I’ve long since bought the company and had her fired, it continues to gnaw at me. Any suggestions?


  199. Shrug
    June 28th, 2012 at 5:55 pm [Reply]

    @Red Greenback (#124):

    And it’s saying “Please fondle my butocks!” That’s going to cause some problems when the guy goes into the Esperanto-only-spoken-here Tobacconist shop.

  200. Alison
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:01 pm [Reply]

    “Luann”: Maybe Luann could ask her big brother for help on this subject.
    “Brad, what do you do when the person you’re stringing along wants to have sex?”
    “What’s sex?”
    “Um…I’m not really sure. I think it’s the next step after you kiss the person you’re in a relationship with.”
    “Ewww, people in relationships are supposed to kiss each other?”
    “I read that they are. Isn’t that gross? Sounds like something that skank Tiffany would do!”
    “Luann, this conversation is icky. Can’t you and Quill keep everything platonic and just *pretend* you want to go further? That’s been working for Toni and me for years.”
    “Great advice! Thanks, Brad.”

    “Mary Worth”: That letter sounds like a suicide note. It probably ends with, “Forget about writing me back, because I’m going to go shoot myself in the head now Thanks anyways, Wendy.” (At this, Mary will pout, not because somebody killed themselves, but because you don’t get pats on the back for giving advice to dead people.)

  201. Illustrator Steve
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:23 pm [Reply]

    MT – (Mark is talking out loud to himself while paddling his canoe back home): “Boy, this murky green river water sure is rotten! After falling in when my canoe capsized I got such a bad ear infection from that damn polluted river water that I don’t care if I EVER see water again, ANY water! Especially the type of water that would ever involve going fishing with Rusty!”
    (Suddenly, Mark’s receives a call on his new cell phone, the one that plays the theme song from Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom):
    “HELLO! Yes, this is Mark Trail. WHAT? You say I won a free two week stay at a fishing camp surrounded by WATER with lots of WATER FRONT CABINS with plenty of TINY TEA CUPS and is located SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTHERN PART OF THE STATE? WOW! Give me a moment while I GRAB MY TACKLE, CHECK MY AREA and CLEAN MY ROD and I will be there before you can say, ‘THIS WILL MAKE A GOOD STORY’!”

  202. bats :[
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#176): are we reading the same A3G? Then again, wouldn’t any A3G parallel universe be an improvement?

  203. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    MW: Laugh at Mary Worth all you want, I’m pissed as hell to see it printed in an international syndicate when I clearly put “Private” on my letter to Ask Wendy!

  204. Frank Lee Meidere
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:44 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn: Because books are never inaccurate.

  205. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:54 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I am a young boy with a bulbous bald head, an extra long neck and a pot belly. My arms and legs are misshaped and I cannot talk. For some reason many people think I’m a trouble maker.

    My problem is that all I have to wear is a red tee shirt and a pair of black shorts. Could you please find some additional clothes for me. It’s cold in the winter.


  206. Mr K Martin
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    PBS: Damn, Pastis, Thel hasn’t had that hairstyle in years, maybe decades.

    And I’m ashamed to even be aware of that.

  207. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#193): “Sorry, can’t serve you; you’re obviously already stoned.”

    Wish I had thought of that.

  208. demoncat
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    mw mary is so upset that she now has to give advice by machine that she is formulating a plan to track down this person and make sure the person is unjaded which turns out is actully dawn.

  209. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:13 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#196): It’s Popeye. You do the math.

  210. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I am a midwife and I’ve just been called to the apartment of a woman who is currently giving birth. Only thing is that I have no idea what I am doing. I’ve only seen a video and practiced on a dummy. Can you tell me how to deliver a baby?


  211. Liam
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:19 pm [Reply]

    @Lynn (#187):

    Dear Diane,

    You should chance it. If you are not feeling fulfilled with the people you are currently with you should leave them.

  212. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,
    I am a little “boy” who is fond of picture-taking and my puppy, Sassy. But I also like fishing! Now, here is my problem. There is a man who lives with us. He is my uncle, or stepfather, or something. I am not sure because no one tells me anything around here. Anyway, this man promises to take me fishing. He promises and he promises and he promises. But he never takes me fishing! He always has an excuse. One time he said that he had to find out who made gold bands for geese. Another time he had to help his friend who did a murder. Wendy, I have spent hours and hours of my young life waiting on a dock for this man to go fishing with me like he promised!

    So my question is this: When we finally go fishing, what kind of bait should I use?

    I Am Rusty!

  213. This Guy
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:22 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#204): Don’t you know that all publishers have magical fact-checking machines that will reject any inaccurate books before they go to print? It’s true! I read it in a book!

    // Come to think of it, that book was credited to a “Mook Brackeldowney”–ah, son of a bitch.

  214. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:31 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#212):

    Dear I Am Rusty,

    As a master baiter myself I have found that ooky, squishy worms work best. They seem to be enjoyed by most species of fish.

    However, you seem to have greater problems then finding the proper fishing bait. I think you should dig around the house until you find a pistol, rifle or shotgun. Now you have two choices:
    1) Blast the uncle or step father or whatever, or
    2) Blast yourself in the head.

    Either way I’m sure you’ll have a blast.
    Your friend,


  215. Trillian
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:39 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I’m afraid my 16-year-old son is a hoarder. His bedroom is littered 18 inches deep with all sorts of refuse, and there was actually enough dirt in there to support a healthy lawn of grass (fescue, not the other kind, thank goodness) until I finally put my foot down last week and forced him and his father to shovel it out. The mold is so thick on his pile of dirty dishes that my husband thought it looked like an arborvitae. My son has also taken lately to creating myriad devices out of old wire coat hangers in order to support his unhealthy lifestyle, such as a reach tool so that he doesn’t have to leave his room to eat, a measuring stick so he can gauge the progress of his ever-festering pile of laundry, and a series of ring bars so that he can swing like the ape he is over the mouldering mess. I tried cutting off the wireless internet in our home so that perhaps he would be lured out of his rotting rathole into the real world, but, alas, he just used more coat hangers to create an antenna to steal the neighbors’ wi-fi signal!

    His hoarding lifestyle has even extended beyond the reach of his bedroom, as he currently has a 1972 VW Microbus up on blocks in the front yard. I can feel the ire of the neighbors at this eyesore, but he cannot get it running no matter how much he and his friend hang out there and “work” on it, and he refuses to get rid of it!

    Oh, Wendy, no matter how much I talk to him, he just won’t listen to me! What do I do? Please help.

    Mama Z

  216. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#58): Bizarro: So, this Easter Island statue walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    7) A guy with a ten inch pianist? No, haven’t seen him.

  217. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:46 pm [Reply]

    @Frank Lee Meidere (#204): He suffers from smug autodidact syndrome; it’s a bit like being a hipster, only more irritating.

  218. Dale
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:48 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug (#191):

    The original “Lost Forest” is in Georgia. Lost Forest is also the forest preserve where Mark lives. It is not clear why they get to live in a national park.

    Mark does travel outside LoFo. Most of the things that happen really aren’t in Lo Fo. That doesn’t make them any less stupid.

  219. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy:

    Everyone — including my BFF Trout — thinks I’m Marcy from “Peanuts.” What should I tell people to dispel that silly notion once and for all?

    Aggravated Agnes in Apalachicola

    P.S. I enclosed a photo of myself, so you can see I look nothing at all like Marcy.

    Dear AAA:

    Wake up and smell the coffee, sweetie. Tell this “Trout” person (is that really his/her name?) and the rest of the world you ARE Marcy. And that you’re planning a musical comeback tour with the rest of the “Peanuts” cast. Then ask your friends and family to advance you the money to buy costumes, arrangements and pyrotechnics. After you raise the necessary funds, leave town and never look back.


  220. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#58): Bizarro: So, this Easter Island statue walks into a bar, and the bartender says:

    8) George? Didn’t we work together at the old tiki bar on the boardwalk?

  221. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 7:59 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#217): I used to be a smug autodidact. Then I got too hip for it.

  222. Sgt. Stoned
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    BB: Yes, yes, if only we and our enemies could get together and quack like ducks, all of our problems would be solved. Or something.

    MW: The letter is from Nola’s victim, Dan?

  223. Rocky Stoneaxe
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#220): If I might make a suggestion…

    9) Bartender: You want your usual? Statue: Yeah, gimme a scotch on the rocks!

  224. Sequitur
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:52 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#220):
    Bartender: So, how’d you get here?
    Statue: I flew and boy, are my arms tired. Wait! I have no arms! How did I get here?
    Bartender: Parcel post?

    // I know. That doesn’t make any sense either.

  225. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 8:56 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#223): Very good, then:

    10) Statue: A toast. To Jerry Garcia and Mick Jagger!

  226. odinthor
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:03 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    My girlfriend who had a baby Bonobo with a man who left the state broke up with my boyfriend and me, and now my boyfriend has a new girlfriend who doesn’t have a baby Bonobo but she also doesn’t have me as a boyfriend so now I don’t get anything from any girlfriend and not much from a boyfriend except maybe a little in the locker room now and then; and I don’t get to play with the baby Bonobo any more either. My question is, um, well, I forget what my question is, so let me ask instead how to get another two inches so I can be Mr. Big.

    Signed, Mini

  227. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:13 pm [Reply]

    11) Statue, singing: Don Giovanni! a cenar teco m’invitasti

  228. odinthor
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#186):

    Dear Life Is Brutal,

    Do you like the show South Pacific? Do you like art of a kind? That is enough for you to have an exciting and fulfilling relationship with an interesting man. I suggest that you advertise these likes in your local throwaway under the heading “Looking for Fun!”, buy a thong, and then give an enthusiastic response to those who contact you. Remember: “Adventure is worthwhile!”


  229. So Big Deal
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    Popeye: ????

  230. Austria
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:38 pm [Reply]

    BaBl: I had a dream last night that Hammie dropped the N-word in a comic. That doesn’t really have anything to do with today’s strip. Just wanted to tell some people that would appreciate the absurdity. Because really, how often does a person dream about an elementary school comic strip character dropping the N-bomb?

    FW: Ha ha! It’s funny, because Funky forgot what strip he’s in!!

    H&L: I was going to say something like “LOIS LET HER KIDS HAVE ICE CREAM HELL HAS FROZEN OVER” but then I realized she probably got them the low-fat sugar-free stuff.

    Luann: So let me get this straight. Yesterday Luann was all up on him talking about making “music.” Today she’s asking “What are we doing?” as they sit on her bed and he talks about being more than friends. Good gravy.

    MW: The twist is that it’s a letter from Dawn.

  231. Peanut Gallery
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,
    People are selfish, greedy, and dishonest. Convince me I’m wrong.
    Signed, Jaded

    Dear Jaded,
    What’s in it for me? Tell you what, send me $500 and I promise you’ll get triple your money back.
    Signed, Wendy

  232. Der Schnärkïnätör
    June 28th, 2012 at 9:46 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#201):
    Love all of your MT snark!

  233. seismic-2
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I am a famous wildlife journalist for a major magazine with circulation in the very high dozens, and I am very popular in the community. My friend is in jail charged with murder, so of course he asked me to prove he’s innocent, because I’m a famous wildlife journalist, so I’m good at that sort of thing. The sheriff had let my friend search the area where the murder occurred (Did I mention that my friend had been in a fight with the victim just before the murder, and he was killed with my friend’s rifle? I forget, but it doesn’t matter), but he didn’t find anything, so the sheriff put him in jail and invited me to come to his cell and give him a noogie. Then I went to where the murder happened and I found a gum wrapper, so I knew that would prove my friend didn’t commit the murder. The gum is that kind you chew to quit smoking, and only one person in the woods buys it, so I paddled my canoe to his house to ask him about it, and he got all mad. I knew all I had to do was show the gum wrapper to the sheriff and tell him where I found it, and that would prove this other guy was there and so he must have killed the guy that my friend had the fight with, using my friend’s rifle, because there’s no other explanation. Before I could paddle my canoe to the sheriff’s office, though, this other guy tried to land an airplane on my head, and then he started shooting at me. Boy, am I lucky he’s such a terrible shot, except of course when he’s murdering someone! Now I need to get away so that I can show the gum wrapper to the sheriff so that he will let my friend out of jail right away and then we can go fishing, except I’m hiding in a cave. Do you think a grizzly bear could help?

    I think a bear would help because I knew a bear that helped an old lady carry rocks in baskets on his back from behind the waterfall where her dead husband made the gold ring with Bible verses to put on the goose’s leg, and that bear helped this other wildlife journalist (who is a real pest) when she was attacked by villainous WOLVES, except that he had on a muzzle and gloves so he couldn’t really do anything, but my big dog did (Dogs are always really helpful too, so the old lady uses a dog instead of a telephone to talk to her son, who is a Mountie and wears a red jacket to work even though he doesn’t actually mount anything that I know of), but even so, the bear would have been a big help if he didn’t have that muzzle. The grizzly bear in the cave I’m in doesn’t have a muzzle, so he should be really helpful, if someone would just shoot at him and wake him up. I hope you agree, because it would make a GREAT STORY!

    Mr. Fists

    Dear Mr. Fists,

    Avery B., is that you? Avery, dear, I can always tell it’s you, when you get all stoned and say that some ridiculous yarn would “make a good story”, and then you imagine that you’re talking to James Cameron or Tom Hanks on your cell phone even though you’re really just talking to the producer of those stupid documentaries that you shoot for The Fishing Channel, which is your only involvement with “movies” at all. Last week you got so stoned that you were convinced that a judge falling off a roof (and getting caught in a net at the bottom) would “make a good story”, and you wanted to fly off and acquire the movie rights. Avery, dear, when you make a film it’s always trout, not judges, that get caught in the net. Remember? Maybe you could stop with those ridiculous daydreams if you’d just stop smoking your bodyweight in marijuana every day!!! I keep telling you over and over, keep off the grass! Mark my words, Avery, if you don’t stay away from that weed, one of these days it’s going to get you into real trouble!!!


  234. Anonymous
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:14 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#107): Perna viridis ovis non placet!

  235. Alter Ego
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:16 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#21): I wonder if the place you’re not going is the same as the place I’m not going.

  236. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:21 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#234):
    Esset placet cum a hircum?
    Esset placet in naviculam?
    Si placet hic aut illic?

    June 28th, 2012 at 10:29 pm [Reply]



    so, could you get me some nuts


  238. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    A sailor walks into a bar and notices that the bartender is a giant Easter Island statue. “Sorry,” he says, “I was looking for the head.”

  239. Anonymous
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:35 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    Currently my life is wonderful. Where I am it is all safe, warm and moist. I live in a semi-dreamstate of peaceful bliss. But I am concerned an idiotic couple egged on by an unqualified professional will ruin my current life in the near future. Please advise.

    Signed Jointly by:

    A. Fetus and G. Bear

  240. Peanut Gallery
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#227): I once saw a production of Don Giovanni in English translation. The line I’ll never forget is when the statue came to life, Don Giovanni dramatically intoned “This is more than I expected!”

    It always seemed like a funny understatement to me. So far, no one I’ve told it to has laughed.

  241. Anonymous
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:41 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#236):
    Nolo cum capra.
    Nolo in naui.
    Non placet…

    Wait, what kind of goat?

  242. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:45 pm [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I work as a bartender, and as you might imagine, I meet a lot of unusual people. Just today there was a guy with a frog on his head; a priest, a parson, and a rabbi; a guy with a tiny pianist in his pocket; a frayed knot; a blind man with a Seeing-Eye wiener dog; a giant Easter Island statue; and a fellow claiming to be Jesus Christ. Not only are these folks always trying to cadge free drinks, they seldom leave a gratuity.

    How do I get these people to realize that tips are an important part of my income? My regular salary isn’t even minimum wage!

    Stiffed in Santa Royale

  243. Latin caprae
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:46 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#236): Ego sum ita cornea.

  244. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:51 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#240): That’s what the bartender said!

  245. Nehemiah Scudder
    June 28th, 2012 at 10:56 pm [Reply]

    @Latin caprae (#243): Scio “bar” ubi possit magna caput.

  246. Latin caprae
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:02 pm [Reply]

  247. Der Schnärkïnätör
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:11 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#233):
    Way too funny, and so spot on!

    And when you explain it that way, the plot doesn’t seem ludicrous at all……NOT!

  248. Cynical One
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:19 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#230): It can’t be a letter from Dawn, silly! There’s no “Life is brutal” on it.

  249. Scott Phillips
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:31 pm [Reply]

    That’s a great “Dear Abby” letter all right, but you’re just a few years too young to remember the all-time king: “I recently married a mortician, and on our wedding night…”

  250. commodorejohn
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:38 pm [Reply]

    @Scott Phillips (#249): Oh, do share!

  251. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    June 28th, 2012 at 11:54 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#240): Dad was playing harpsichord in the orchestra for a production of Don Giovanni at Colorado State University back in the 60s or 70s, also in English. At one point, Giovanni knocks his servant, Leporello, to the floor. Once in rehearsals, doing so knocked Leporello’s wig off. He went ahead and sang his next line anyway, “O! My head is broken!” It was such a hit in rehearsal, they thought of keeping it in the show, but decided they couldn’t rely on it happening right every time. Alas. Those are the breaks.

  252. Bill the Butcher
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#30): Oh, the agony – the sheer *agony* that makes her say “groan”. Maybe when the contractions begin again, she’ll yell out “Scream”!

  253. Bill the Butcher
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:10 am [Reply]

    @Scott Phillips (#249): He put her in a coffin and then began jacking off over her?

    If it’s anything tamer than that I’m going to be disappointed.

  254. Bill the Butcher
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#233): If only COTWs could be so long…

  255. Der Schnärkïnätör
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    @HAMMY THE SQUIRREL!` (#237):
    Cripes Hammy, switch to decaf already!

  256. Bill the Butcher
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:29 am [Reply]

    Dear Wendy

    I’m writing in to protest against my status as Designated Bully when all I was doing was defending myself against some weedy little dink who assaulted me repeatedly with a backpack while I wasn’t even looking. Is it my fault if I resent being knocked down from behind by some weedy little pipsqueak I could take apart with my little finger? And now I found out the weenie has a worm cock. Seriously, I want to barf.


  257. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:31 am [Reply]

    A3G — Yeah, right, “active labor” and “agony.” Nina’s expression has all the intensity of someone waiting to get a pedicure.

  258. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:41 am [Reply]

    JP — I know Avery is gonna get gunned down or kidnapped, but I still want to see a topo map so I can decide if this situation makes any sense at all.

  259. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:43 am [Reply]

    MW — Worst. Advice. Column. Ever.

  260. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    GA — A tech storyline in GA. Kill me now.

  261. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:46 am [Reply]

    MT — I would pay that bear a large sum of money if it would turn around suddenly and eat Mark.

  262. Droopy Says
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:50 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: It’s quite a spectacle, Trail looking so relaxed while he works so hard to destroy the case against Chavez and Harris. You’d think he wants his friend to stay in jail.

    WTFunky?: Did Creepy Les get deported the moment he set foot in Africa? Or is this happening on his way to the airport? At least we get to see the pretentious dork put down by someone who’s so pathetic, he needs to name his car.

  263. TomS
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    re # 249, I recall the Dear Abby mortician letter. Dan Savage would have caught that fake. His reply on reading it straight could be something…

  264. 555 95472
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:56 am [Reply]

    Dear Wendy,

    I have recently retired after many years of service in the French Foreign Legion, and am now looking for a new career. My needs are simple: I only ask that I not be surrounded by fellow employees with names like “Maggot” or “Grossie”; that I have absolute power over all my vile, contemptible minions employees; and that I not be expected to display anything resembling senses of humour or originality.

    Do you know if J.C. Dithers is retiring anytime soon? How about J. Jonah Jameson?

    Do you have any other suggestions where I could find work? Please note that I categorically refuse to move to Baltimore, or to start a comics blog.


    Vermin C.

  265. Droopy Says
    June 29th, 2012 at 12:57 am [Reply]

    Mark Trail: Soon enough, Bearly Awake will get tired of growling at the tree and go for the low-hanging fruit. So, get ready to fight or run, Trail!

    WTFunky? “No, it’s a sad comment on you, because someone who sports a Lenin beard should know that Snowball represented Trotsky!”

    JP I’m not going to ask how Avery knows the way back to the car. I’m just going to enjoy the spectacle of him trying to outrun the pot farmers.

  266. Girl Reporter
    June 29th, 2012 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#195): to this day I remember that Dmitri Mendeleev is the Father of the Periodic Table because of the doodle I made in my chemistry notebook in 9th grade. In my drawing he obviously did not attend prenatal classes with the Mother of the Periodic Table, nor is he present in the Delivery Room. He is, in the trope of the day, standing next to a sign reading Waiting Room, surrounded by cigarette butts littering the floor.

  267. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 1:05 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#265): Re JP, I will also enjoy the spectacle of Sam probably being forced to assume a facial expression other than “smug.”

  268. Dr. Pill
    June 29th, 2012 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Easter Island head to bartender: “I’m so tired of people taking me for granite.”
    Bartender: “Weren’t you in a rock band?”
    EI head: “Yeah, Sly and the Family Stone.”
    Bartender: “Why’d the band break up?”
    EI Head: “We all got jaded.”
    Bartender: “You need to carve a new career, my friend. You’re cracking up.”
    EI head: “I just wish I was boulder, I’d go get an ore and forget the old grind for a while.”

  269. Poteet
    June 29th, 2012 at 1:10 am [Reply]

    FW — How about we skip the annoying adventures of Les AND Funky? Instead, we could take a crossover comics vacation wherein we watch Abbey Spencer taking a shower for a couple of weeks.

  270. Droopy Says
    June 29th, 2012 at 1:22 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#267): Yeah, but it won’t last. The armed pot-farmers will try to hunt him and Avery, but Sam will charm them and turn the story into “The Lap-Dogs of Zaroff.”

  271. Girl Reporter
    June 29th, 2012 at 1:28 am [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#250): he wanted her to soak in a tub of ice-water and then lie very still.

  272. Dale
    June 29th, 2012 at 3:25 am [Reply]

    It’s not too late for Mark Trail to say, “If you won’t talk, just stay in the tree while I get the sheriff.”

    Of course, even with the sheriff present, any confession they get would be worthless. If this is how it plays out, Elrod is doing his gullible readers a disservice.

    Mike is going to crack. He will avoid becoming bear food. However, going into court and confessing to conspiracy, murder and attempted murder doesn’t seem like a good long-term life plan.

    Mark doesn’t have a shred of solid evidence of anything.

  273. Tangerine
    June 29th, 2012 at 3:59 am [Reply]

    Guys, guys, guys!

    I am excited to report that this is not a new trope in Dear Abby. I have been Googling for it without success, but there’s a fantastic one from somewhere in the 1950s-70s from a woman in a similar situation. The sexy widow in question is their neighbor, who her husband has kindly done some small home repairs for. She has complained to the widow about her husband’s continued interest in sex–as I recall, she has decided that it is high time to be past all that–and the widow has offered to take that trouble off her hands (I believe the euphemism “entertain” is used repeatedly, in quotes). In this case, her assurance that her husband won’t leave her is based the vast superiority of her cooking skills over those of the neighbor. Abby gives her essentially the same advice as in the letter that Josh cites, but also explains the concept of takeout.

  274. Dale
    June 29th, 2012 at 4:59 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#258):

    In the case of Mark Trail, almost any type of map would help, as long as the designated cartographer is familiar with the concept of measured distance.

    Actually, every stinking day they could trade one panel of three for a map.
    There would be no loss of explanation. Of course, it would be more obvious why the stories don’t make sense.

    Meanwhile, today’s three panels show three different scenes.

  275. gleeb
    June 29th, 2012 at 6:37 am [Reply]

    Agnes: Taking a retro, pro-Iraqi Army rhetorical stance today.

    A&J: Gus finally lands his fish.

    Dick: The Mr Crime Gang: too stupid to run.

    ‘bean: Creepy Les has studied yoga for years so he can bilocate. His body may be hurtling towards Tanzania in a jet plane, but his spirit can appear in Ohio to make this stupid, condescending remark.

    Avery’s Death: Those who had “falls off cliff” in the pool, don’t tear up your tickets yet, there’s still a chance.

    Mary: He’s using the good cop/bear method.

    Pluggers: …prevent the mails from going through by delay.

  276. gleeb
    June 29th, 2012 at 6:37 am [Reply]

    Mary, Mark, what’s the diff?

  277. John C Fremont
    June 29th, 2012 at 6:39 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#261): Bears don’t use money. Offer him some pic-a-nic baskets.

    MW – In the first panel, it looks as though Mary is offering meddle-y wares at a driver’s ed website.

    In the second panel she types by waving her fingers inches above the keyboard. The talking monitor is no match for her Jedi mind tricks.

  278. Little A.
    June 29th, 2012 at 6:41 am [Reply]

    A3G: Why don’t those idiots get her to a hospital? Didn’t they make arrangements? They are just going to sit there and see what happens? This strip is (pardon my vernacular) a real dumb piece of shit.

  279. Dennis Jimenez
    June 29th, 2012 at 8:08 am [Reply]

    @odinthor (#228): PS. I’ll bet your ass is at least a foot wider than your shoulders. W.

  280. Evelyn Quince
    June 29th, 2012 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#233): Mark – you know, that actually sounds kind of dumb when you say it out loud…

  281. Evelyn Quince
    June 29th, 2012 at 10:26 am [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#233): …and not at all naughty.

  282. Pete
    September 13th, 2012 at 9:55 am [Reply]

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