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Metapost: The slash fiction site America needs now

Hello everyone! You may remember a few weeks back when I told you I was creating a crowdsourced presidential slash fiction archive, and you thought, “Ha ha, surely this is just a weird, random joke Josh is making.” Well, it’s not. It’s real, it’s here, and it’s very, very NSFW. It’s on Twitter. It’s got an awesome logo from webcomic superstar David Willis. And it needs your entries! Somewhere out there there’s a tale of tender, forbidden love between, let’s say, Andrew Jackson and John Quincy Adams. Are you the one to bring that tale to the world? I think you might.

66 responses to “Metapost: The slash fiction site America needs now”

  1. Esther Blodgett
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    Challenge accepted. (Hey, that really is NSFW. Points for truth in internetting.)

  2. Anonymous
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    So I guess I’m the only one who sees how homophobic this is.

  3. Dennis Jimenez
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Eli Whitney – “Get yer cotton-pickin’ hands off my gin” (Bombay Sapphire®, no doubt)….

  4. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:20 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#y120):

    *Radney Dangerfield* I told the cabbie to take me to where the action was. He drove me to MY house!*/Rodney Dangerfield*

  5. Ian Beste
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:36 am [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#4): “My wife cut me back to sex once a month. But that’s okay…I know three guys she cut off entirely!” *loosens tie*

  6. Mibbitmaker
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:46 am [Reply]

    S-M: All together now: I WOULD!

    A3G: “…I’m not that shallow — wait! I… I am that shallow!”

    9CL: The reputation of being a horrible, horrible human being.

    Lio: Tatulli finally “gets” it — “reality” shows, not TV in general.

    Luann: I think I get this whole thing now: The Luann universe is Hell, isn’t it?

    MT: Every dog for itself!

  7. Dartpaw86
    September 13th, 2012 at 12:16 pm [Reply]

    Is he advertising Presidential Gay Porn?

    I have nothing against gays, and they can read whatever porn they want. But Andrew Jackson was one of the most bad*** presidents of all time, I can’t even imagine him being in one of these stories.

  8. Poteet
    September 13th, 2012 at 12:47 pm [Reply]

    BG & SS — I’m interested in how the hunting and fishing customs work in Hootin’ Holler. I’m assuming there are state hunting and fishing regulations. Do the locals ignore all the regulations, or just some? Do they stick to poaching rabbits and squirrels and other small game, or do they poach some larger animals as well? Do they do it on a subsistence basis, or is there a thriving black market in illegally-harvested wild meat? Is their deer population actually more ecologically reasonable than in states (such as my own) where deer-hunting is a big-money industry and the deer population is deliberately kept at a level that is bad for natural landscapes? Is the local bear population dwindling because of the Asian bear-organ black market?

    What could this traditional low-income mountain community teach conservation researchers? We’ll never know because the last grad student who tried to find out ended up being parceled out and served on a lot of dinner plates.

  9. Manifesta
    September 13th, 2012 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#2):
    No, you aren’t. Even if this weren’t homophobic, it would still be unpatriotic, cruel, stupid and one of the worst ideas of all time. On top of that, it’s unforgiveably bad porn.

  10. Anonymous
    September 13th, 2012 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#2): Take it from a real gay person you concern troll, it is not homophobic.

  11. Anonymous
    September 13th, 2012 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Manifesta (#9): The horror, it is unpatriotic! Oh wait, I am not American, so I don’t give a rat’s ass.

  12. Poteet
    September 13th, 2012 at 12:54 pm [Reply]

    9CL — The worst part is that they’ll probably reproduce.

  13. Mibbitmaker
    September 13th, 2012 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    Glibporn (alternate commentary):

    “The protoplastic cartoon was too — tolerate the calembour — evenhanded. Since I am currently only interested in the female personage/humanoid objectifying (in the most dehumanized purport of the term) males, I emended it in the neoteric drawing, with the horny ‘good girl’ and the horny ‘bad girl’ stereotypes. I’m exceedingly proud.”

  14. Mibbitmaker
    September 13th, 2012 at 1:32 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#13): Of course, “Glibporn” is my parody name for “Pibgorn”. In this thread, particularly, I need to be careful to avoid misunderstanding.

  15. Ian Beste
    September 13th, 2012 at 2:10 pm [Reply]

    @Manifesta (#9): *Snark off.

    In a world that still has capital punishment, honor killings, clitoridectomies, dog-fighting and North Korea, presidential slash-fic is barely the 100th worst idea. Please go be offended somewhere else.

    *Snark back on.

  16. Austria
    September 13th, 2012 at 2:27 pm [Reply]

    ……….Why is everybody looking at me?

  17. Ian Beste
    September 13th, 2012 at 2:34 pm [Reply]

    @Austria (#16): Because you brought delicious Sacher torten!

  18. Wannabe Copy-Editor
    September 13th, 2012 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    be. “Are you the one to bring that tale to the world? I think you might be.”

  19. Dennis Jimenez
    September 13th, 2012 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    I’m imaging one where William Jennings Bryan is the cowardly lion, Romney is searching for a heart, and Obama is searching for a brain – Condi is the bad witch, Hillary is the good witch – Bill is the all powerful Oz – Toto is the American voting public – the munchkins are pro-gay Canadians…..

  20. Calico
    September 13th, 2012 at 3:32 pm [Reply]

    RE: FC 9/12, it would be fun if someone could do a FC/SlyFox mashup – “How to draw the back of PJ’s Melon Head.”

  21. Tangerine
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#7):

    Badass? As in, “awesome, in an unqualified way”?
    Hmmm. Don’t get me wrong, I have a total and utter disinterest in slash fiction. (That’s why I’m not going to read it, and why it doesn’t offend me!) But re: Andrew Jackson, I think Kate Beaton said it best in the commentary under her relevant comics. I’ll quote her here, from her website:
    “I, like many others, can admire a few things about Jackson. But not the package. He did what he thought was good and right to do and he made himself something out of nothing, but he was a hard, racist man, and he doesn’t get to be a hero anymore.”
    and from her book:
    “Modern folks can’t really look at something like the Indian Removal Act and think, ‘Yeah, but maybe he was an okay dude.’ Don’t kid yourselves, either–it’s not like in his time no one thought to duke it out with him when he was being a jerk. The man had so many musket balls in his body you could stick magnets to him, if magnets stuck to lead.”

  22. The Ridger
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:17 pm [Reply]

    @Tangerine (#21): Hell yes. “John Marshall made that law, let John Marshall enforce it” pretty much seals Old Hickory as a plain ass, not a bad one. (Well, bad, yes. You know what I mean.) And being from Tennessee, I sat through a lot of Social Studies/History about the man.

  23. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:34 pm [Reply]

    I assume it is the headline format: “The ______ that America needs now!” which has caused a picture of Billy Graham to appear at the top of the page next to a call to sign his petition that “I have faith in America because of Jesus Christ” .

    I imagine it was more along the line of “I have faith in America because of …. ummm … because of …. Jesus Christ!! We are well and truly fucked, aren’t we?”

  24. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:41 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#y165): Not to be confused with Sassy Air: The Dog Who Farted!

    The people who originally had Sassy named her Gassy for just that reason. “Sassy” was the best thing her new owners could think of that would sound like “Gassy” to a dog. No, they didn’t think of Cassie or Lassie. These are the Trails.

  25. Uncle Lumpy
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    @Tangerine (#21):

    If magnets stuck to lead, the Keane kids couldn’t walk past their refrigerator.

  26. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:50 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#25):

    Aren’t the Keane kids designed to end up stuck to people’s refrigerators, though?

  27. Will
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    I would rather eat my own elbows than read that.

  28. Sequitur
    September 13th, 2012 at 4:52 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#24): Yet they continue to feed her beans, cabbage and broccoli paté.

    Maybe she doesn’t fly so much as float.

  29. Ian Beste
    September 13th, 2012 at 5:02 pm [Reply]

    @Will (#27): Challenge accepted!

    No, wait…

    Will there be cake?

  30. Uncle Lumpy
    September 13th, 2012 at 5:05 pm [Reply]

    @Ian Beste (#29):

    Of course — Austria’s bringing Sacher torten!

  31. Nehemiah Scudder
    September 13th, 2012 at 5:10 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#23): If this experience of yours seeing the head of Billy Graham popping up in front of you continues to occur, of if an episode of the occurance persists for more than five hours, consult a mental health professional.

  32. Dennis Jimenez
    September 13th, 2012 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#24): Could Sassy be a Hover-Corgi? She looked more like a springer spaniel to me….

  33. Anonymous
    September 13th, 2012 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    As an avid devotee of both the Comics Curmudgeon and slash fiction, I’m finding this the most hysterical thing ever. Possibly because I am too exhausted to stand right now. This can only bring good things. Good things.

    Four words, people: Mary Worth Kink Meme.

  34. bats :[
    September 13th, 2012 at 6:08 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#23): thank heavens I wasn’t the only one who saw this…thought I was hallucinating there for a moment. Heck, maybe I am.

  35. Ian Beste
    September 13th, 2012 at 6:10 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#30): Call back!

  36. Ian Beste
    September 13th, 2012 at 6:12 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#33): Four words, people: Mary Worth Kink Meme.

    Challenge NOTaccepted.

  37. Chance
    September 13th, 2012 at 6:33 pm [Reply]

    @Wannabe Copy-Editor (#18): For real fluidity, I’d prefer it to say “Might you be the one to bring this tale…? I think you might be.” But it works with ‘are’ too, as long as – as you say – be is appended. “Are you the one to bring this tale…? I think you might be.” As it is I found it clunky.

  38. The Ridger
    September 13th, 2012 at 7:26 pm [Reply]

    @Chance (#37): The problematic verb “be”! How much duplication is necessary? People’s mileage definitely varies, and so do their solutions… Me, I like “I think so!” :-)

  39. pastordan, snark late shift
    September 13th, 2012 at 7:43 pm [Reply]

    Gave you a link and an early #FF on Twitter.

    As for the High Umbrage expressed upthread, well. Foucault thought transgression held immense possibility as a transformative agent, particularly in sexytime. Hey, telling the candidates to bugger off hasn’t changed anything; maybe imagining them buggering off will do something.

    It’s worth a shot.

  40. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 13th, 2012 at 7:52 pm [Reply]

    Now you’ve got me thinking about those little magnetic candies we used to stick up on the fridge. Like small Swee-Tarts, came in about three colors/flavors, and they all had that wicked after-taste. Our old fridge still has some faint colors left from those — if you got about three packs, you had enough to sort of make a picture.

  41. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    September 13th, 2012 at 8:05 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#26): That’s why their heads are so large. Lots of room for the magnets.

  42. Peanut Gallery
    September 13th, 2012 at 9:05 pm [Reply]

    @[Old Man] Muffaroo (#40): Magnetic SweeTarts?? I am intrigued by your ideas and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

    Upon re-reading, I apprehend that you were sticking the candies to the refrigerator by licking them first. No wonder they acquired a wicked after-taste.

  43. Dartpaw86
    September 13th, 2012 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

  44. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    September 13th, 2012 at 9:45 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#42): Licking them first? That’s what little brat kid brothers or sisters would do, and I suspect it’s why they eventually stopped selling them. That and the damn FDA, and those dumb kids out in California who died and ruined it for everybody.

  45. This Guy
    September 13th, 2012 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    FW: This is the worst comic-book adaptation of Fred Hoyle’s famous novel EVER.

    Luann: Much like every New Yorker cartoon can have the caption “Christ, what an asshole,” every Luann strip could be captioned “Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!”

  46. Nate
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:03 pm [Reply]

    I don’t think Josh’s new site is homophobic – it doesn’t encourage prejudice against gay folks in any way.

    I also don’t think it’s unpatriotic – it doesn’t discourage citizens from supporting the tenets of their nations.

    I also don’t think it’s cruel – it doesn’t try to personally attack the politicians involved or their families.

    What it does is take the polished, textbook revisioned, sound-bite fabricated caricatures of popular modern and historical politicians and twist it all into homoerotic pornography.

    It MAY be stupid.

  47. Tangerine
    September 13th, 2012 at 11:33 pm [Reply]

    @Dartpaw86 (#43): Ah! Thanks, Dartpaw. I totally love Cracked (everyone should see and be amazed by the horrifying statue that is first on this list. It was my desktop background for a month!). I’m going to read that article now. Sadly, I retained very little historical knowledge from my formal education and what I have cobbled together seems to be almost exclusively from historical fiction, Hark! A Vagrant, and articles.

  48. Tangerine
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:11 am [Reply]

    @Tangerine (#47):
    All right, I’ve read it! I can see why the word “badass” came to mind for you, Dartpaw86. I knew I despised his policies, but I didn’t realize how dangerous the man was on a day-to-day interpersonal level. I can also see why you can’t imagine any slash fiction about the guy–I certainly wouldn’t want to see anyone subjected to romance with him; it’d be like a garter snake getting infatuated with a mongoose.

    But all that being said, I don’t think any of these people (even the candidate of my choice) deserves a veneration that preserves them from verbally expressed disrespect, as long as it’s not hate speech. And my understanding is that the slashfiction is supposed to be funny and amusing, and not nasty or mean-spirited. It’s not pointed toward one candidate, or one type of candidate, or even completely focused on our contemporary political scene. Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong–again, I’m not actually going to read any of it–but I feel pretty confident on this front after years of seeing Josh display his respect for woman, sex, and minorities of all stripes. The man doesn’t have a spiteful bone in his body, and I just don’t believe that this project has anything darker than using transgressive sexytimes to get people to be lighthearted and goofier about their political frustrations, and I’m pleased that perhaps some of the everpresent political vitriol might be diffused in this comparatively harmless way.

    @Nate (#46): You say it beautifully.

    @Manifesta (#9): I’ve been thinking about this. (Not being very informed, I read the “slash fiction” entry on Wikipedia.) There’s no mention of slash fiction being considered homophobic there; can you support this claim? What I have gathered from your statement is that pornography and politics are serious business and have to be treated with reverence, which is certainly a fascinating stance on the matter.

  49. Droopy Says
    September 14th, 2012 at 12:24 am [Reply]

    Spider-Bland: I looked at all the impossibilities here, and the mental overload left me with the feeble thought “That Spiderman . . . whining about his sprained ankle . . .”

    FU, W: Having received inspiration from his friend Despondent Danny, will Mopey Pete now decide to stay in Cancerville? Stay tuned for more unexciting nondevelopments.

    Jugs Parker: Since it is an extremely stupid thing for Bea to shout like this, I’m going to assume that she’s a reasonably innocent person who is being coerced into helping the merrihoowanna farmers, and has been trying to keep them from killing Sam and Avery. Why, I don’t know, because Avery is the most killable person every in JP.

    Family Circus: Jeffy, what we want you to do is evolve into a higher form of life. With a little effort you might get up to the level of a myxomycete.

    Shoe: Skyler has been to 1977 and he does have proof! He brought back an original Shoe joke, and it’s as stale now as it was then!

  50. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:04 am [Reply]

    @Tangerine (#48):

    I love their articles too :) @Tangerine (#47):

    I love their articles too :)
    Thanks for the feedback.

  51. Dartpaw86
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:09 am [Reply]

    @Tangerine (#47):

    I checked the statues, I found them more bizarre than scary. Some are downright disturbing (The Horse, Quicksand guy, and the Eyeball) but in a fun way. I would totally love to get my picture taken with that horse :D

  52. Poteet
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:34 am [Reply]

    MW — As her expression so often indicates, Dawn is basically a glum person. “So far so good” means “It’s marginally better than a shipwreck at sea, and oh geez, I just noticed your pinned-up sleeve. Can’t I get away from you depressing maimed people even during lunch?”

  53. Poteet
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:39 am [Reply]

    JP — Go Bea! Go Bea! You rock!

  54. Poteet
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:42 am [Reply]

    FW — He actually gets paid for that drivel or is hoping to get paid for that drivel?

  55. Poteet
    September 14th, 2012 at 1:59 am [Reply]

    JP — Even in parts of Mexico where law enforcement is barely able to cope, the growers of the evil weed tend to make some effort to hide it in forested areas (where, as a cheery side note, they are poisoning depressing numbers of rare wildlife with the rat poison they use). So I have to wonder about the remarkable stupidity of people who would grow pot in in the U.S. in a way that would cause Avery, even after a brief accidental visit, to estimate the size of the operation at about ten acres. Avery is indeed an idiot, but he’s not alone.

  56. Calico
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:31 am [Reply]

    I loved seeing Sassy flying through the air again a few days ago.
    Long live clip art!

  57. Comcis Fan
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:11 am [Reply]

    MW: I just got the uneasy feeling that this entire strip is little more than soft-core sandwich porn. Oh Moy & Giella, stop teasing us with your fluffy, moist, simple-carbohydrate, processed-grain parallelograms!

  58. Da Coconino Kid
    September 14th, 2012 at 3:15 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#55): growers of the evil weed … are poisoning depressing numbers of rare wildlife with the rat poison they use

    Pot-growers need rat poison? Is *that* what made Reekie Rat a punk? Come to think of it, is that what made him reekie?

    (Random thought: why is there a metal band called Ratt, and a metal band called Poison, but no metal band called Rat Poison?)

  59. Droopy Says
    September 14th, 2012 at 6:45 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#55): I forget the details, but I think JP established that the pot farm was well downhill from a dirt road in the mountains. It’s still unconvincing, given that the road was used by visitors at a fishing camp.

    Luann: I so do not want to see the catfight-style drawing that Evans has surely drawn for his, er, amusement.

    Spider-Bland: So, um, how did the mallet get there? Did some circus navvy drop it after pounding stakes into the dirt floor of Madison Square Garden? Did it fall up to the high wire and stick to a pole by itself? Did Clown-9 put it there, unseen, before his high-profile entry? Did he suddenly remember that he had the huge, heavy mallet in his pants?

  60. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 14th, 2012 at 7:05 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#59):

    Did he suddenly remember that he had the huge, heavy mallet in his pants?

    No, that wasn’t a mallet, he was just happy to see Spiderman.

  61. Cindyinmaine
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:00 am [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#2): Josh didn’t invent slash fiction, and it’s not at all homophobic. Slash fiction is most commonly written by women, about two male characters they’d like to see gettin’ it on. The only thing it’s saying about gayness is that the (usually female) writers and readers find it hot! It is most definitely ripe with comic possibilities, as Josh has brilliantly deduced – and in this case, could bring about world peace.

  62. The Divine O'F
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:11 am [Reply]

    I just gotta say, about the slash stuff, it’s hilarious!

  63. Chaze
    September 14th, 2012 at 8:21 am [Reply]

    It’s impossible to get elected president now unless you are a clean-shaven, relatively fit mannequin. There are some great heavyset, mustachioed presidents in our history from evidently a more open-minded time about who was fit to lead our country. Buchanan was gay and Cleveland married his niece. It’s only during the last 50 years or so that we’ve had this tightassed view about what a politician should look like. You go, Chris Christie. Lead the chub rebellion.

    Meanwhile, yeah, I think members of the chub/bear community would have quite a time with sexy Taft stories. Maybe some take-offs on that old bath tub story.

  64. Jocelyn Knockersbury
    September 14th, 2012 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    It occurs that if our fine country had just elected some damn WOMEN to the presidency, this exercise in taste and discretion wouldn’t be considered “homophobic.”


    Okay, to be serious, I haven’t seen anyone say anything homophobic in the porn, and I’ve been scouring it repeatedly for weeks I MEAN read through a couple of them. My muse on this endeavor packed her bags, put on her fedora and slammed the front door a couple weeks back, but maybe I can get some mojo goin’ and eventually contribute. I’ve seen Taft in his golf duds; dude was pimpin’, no lie, and I know Warren Harding agrees with me.

  65. Vince M
    September 14th, 2012 at 2:24 pm [Reply]

    @Tangerine (#47): All I know is, Jean-Claude Van Damme needs to make a movie adaptation of ‘Babyfighter’!

  66. ?????? ??
    January 13th, 2014 at 4:40 am [Reply]

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