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Metapost: Surprisingly early comments of the week!

I got stuff going on today, folks (including getting ready for my performance at Baltimore’s 14K Cabaret tonight, you should come watch and strike a blow against the region’s insane panic about extremely mild snow accumulation) so I’ve got your comment of the week … kinda early:

“Three cheers for Kraven! The good guy escaped! (Kraven is the good guy, right?)” –Cloudbuster

And your runners up! Very funny!

“It was nice of Greg, the James Bond actor, to comb out, part, and curl Margo’s luxurious blue hair before putting her to bed. Maybe he concluded that ‘Eric’ was her stylist.” –Chipper

“Dilton isn’t absent-minded at all during his awkward display. His feverish mind is present inside his clumsy body all throughout. Aware that the girls are looking at him with not-quite-pity and not-quite-disgust, aware that the local loudmouths are braying remarks, and aware that one day … one day … all of Riverdale is going to burn.” –Chareth Cutestory

“‘Wait, isn’t that the sock your husband masturbates into?’ ‘Yeah. We’re really gross.” –Greg

“Snapping turtles have a worm-like appendage that they use to lure fish, so does this guy. ‘I have nothing to hide’ means he gets in the water naked during competitions.” –nescio

“So let me get this straight. Aquaman dyed his hair black and now cheats on the pro bass circuit with his fish-summoning powers? How the mighty have fallen. Well, at least he kept the orange shirt, for old times’ sake.” –Voshkod

“Margo owns the building, right? Which means those sprinkler-thingies are just for show and the axe is a foam-rubber replica.” –Dood

‘Oh, no … not again?!’ That is officially the most you can fuck up punctuation in one sentence.” –Doctor Handsome

“‘Knute, what career are you looking for at the fair?’ ‘I want to be TJ .. in a hat!’” –Mr. Fogarty

‘You’re ready, Mary?’ ‘Yes!’ Man, if that isn’t a set-up for the most anti-erotic porn ever, I don’t know what is. The fact that her next line starts with ‘Oof!’ only adds to an image I’ll never be able to drink away.” –Pozzo

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

113 responses to “Metapost: Surprisingly early comments of the week!”

  1. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:48 am [Reply]

    Congrats floaters!

  2. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:58 am [Reply]

    9CL: This seems kinda familiar…… oh, God, Amos is going to start conversing with his very own unicorn, isn’t he?!!

    JP: “Yeah, she only gets her money from constant, incidental privilege like we do.”

    Lio: “In your pants toilet!”

    Luann: “God, I hate my calling!”

    MT: “Even a guy like you…” translates into Bassy as “Even anyone who’s not me…”

    Glibporn: What now?
    (seriously, I’m totally lost here. But, then, so is Brooke)

    S4th: I don’t know if it helps, but it’s how Television Without Pity comments often work.

  3. bats :[
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:04 am [Reply]

    Dangnabbit, Josh…yer purty quick on the draw today. Me, just settlin’ down with a bowl of kibble and all…

  4. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#2): Amos is going to start conversing with his very own unicorn, isn’t he?!!

    Amos used to “converse with his own unicorn” on a regular basis, until Edda came along and forbade such things as distractions from his ability to worship her on demand.

  5. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#4): iykwim, aittyd.

    *turns searchlight onto CCB’s joke*

  6. Cloudbuster
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:09 am [Reply]

    This is my first COTW! I am humbled and honored! I’d like to thank the little people. And by little people, I mean those larcenous little chimps in the Amazing Spider-Man, Marvin, the Family Circus melonheads, and of course Rusty. Hey, Rusty, we’ll go fishing next time I stop by Lost Forest. Really. Call my people.

  7. Amateur
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:13 am [Reply]

    Striking a blow against the region’s insane panic about extremely mild snow accumulation? Josh, WHERE is your respect for tradition? Insane panic about extremely mild snow accumulation is what we do best around here!

  8. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    @Amateur (#7):

    It always feels sad to see the local news trying their old techniques to get people to watch their late-night show. Putting on a promo at 7PM: “Looks like snow may be coming through the area! Tune in at 10 to hear when and how much you can expect!”.

    Yes, because if I am concerned about the potential snowfall in my area, there is no possible way for me to learn any details other than by waiting until 10, and then sitting through 20 minutes of local ‘news’ waiting for the weather reader to come on.

  9. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:19 am [Reply]

    Well, dang, if this is a sampling of the previous week, I’m sorry I missed most of it. Good job, gang!

  10. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    Nicely done, Cloudbuster and the runners up. This week’s list is short, sweet, pink and heavy!

  11. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:40 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#3): Mrs. Houndtooth also hates it when Earl rolls in the half-eaten mailman that Andy Bear left on their porch.

    Congrats to this week’s winners!

  12. Mibbitmaker
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:42 am [Reply]

    FW: Romance, love, and the ability to be fulfilled at a career while hapily married — virtues in our world, hopelessness in Batiuk’s.

    Hell, their premier Peanuts gift book was called “Happiness is a Cold Unhappiness”!

    And their Beatles parody song title of it was “Happiness Really is a Warm Gun (No Irony Here!)”

    Continuing the tangent…

    Other BatiukLand Beatles Songs

    “There Goes the Sun, Here Comes the Thunderstorm, Hurricane, Tornado Combo”

    “In My Death”

    “She’s Leaving Home, Getting Cancer, Heart Disease, Losing Her Hearing and Sight, Coming Down with a Deadly Flu, Being Assaulted, Recieving a Botched Medical Assessment, Gaining Dementia, Being Robbed, Getting Dismembered in 5 Places, And Dying Violently”

    “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” (same lyrics, but played as a dirge)

    “She Hates You”

    “Everyone’s a Loser”

    “Run For Your Life — Aw, Why Bother? You’re Toast!”

    “Paperback It’s Called Writing”

    “Miss Hell”

    “I Am the Walrus With Hepatitus”

    “Hello, Goodbye Forever”

    “Poisoned Strawberry Fields, Dead Forever”

    “Tragical Misery Tour”

    “Disease Disease Me”

    “And I Tolerate Her Until She Crushes My Dreams”

    “Really, Really Mean Mr. Mustard”

    “Polyp Mean Pam”

    “I’m Going To Lose That Arm”

    “Smirk and Shout”

    “A Hard Life’s Eternal Night”

    “I Feel a Lump”

    “I Do Want to Spoil the Party”

    “I Want To Hold Your Hand After the Amputation”

    “Can’t Buy Me Good Medical Help”

    “The Tragic End”

  13. Poteet
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    Woot woot for Cloudbuster and the assorted floaters! A very funny week. And the Poteet asterisk goes to Pozzo.

  14. Poteet
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:47 am [Reply]

  15. Poteet
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#YY296): Thank you, and I’m impressed!

  16. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:57 am [Reply]

  17. Poteet
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:04 pm [Reply]

    FW — This interesting view of marriage as fifty-plus years of staring adoringly at each other and doing nothing else reminds me of that amusing Twilight Zone story “The Chaser,” which was shown here a couple of nights ago.

  18. Pozzo
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    Poteet — I will wear the asterisk with pride!

  19. Stroker Ace
    January 25th, 2013 at 12:40 pm [Reply]

    FW -Ohio National Guard should wipe out all in the Funky/Crankshaft universe.

  20. Sequitur
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:02 pm [Reply]

    Whoa! We jumped the snark!

    Congrats to Cloudbuster and the floating fun float! Good stuff!

  21. bbofun
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:09 pm [Reply]

    9CL- As an actor, I have to say Brooke gets this one right. I often work at a dinner theater, so I wait tables in addition to performing. This means that at intermission, I come out, after wiping the sweat off my face, to deliver drinks, pour coffee, and pick up the check. At least once a week, as I’m pouring their decaf (“I’l take the UNLEADED, ha-ha-ha!”), someone will ask “what’s your real job. The temptation to “accidentally” spill “unleaded” on their crotch is nearly overwhelming.

    On the other hand, this particular comic doesn’t actually fit in to the other “themed” comics this week, so Brooke’s still a hack.

  22. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12): “I Wanna Hold Your (missing) Hand”

  23. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12): “Sgt. Cancer’s Bloated Heart Disease Band”

  24. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12):
    While My Dead Arm Gently Weeps

    Yesterday Love Was Here But Then It Died Today

    Got To Get You Into My Pizza Shop

  25. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:35 pm [Reply]

    Luann:
    Gee, I can’t figure out why Fogarty isn’t having his phone ring off the hook with corporate head hunters. He’s been a mediocre teacher for like 20 years. He’s still sporting the mullet like it was 1987, except now that he’s chrome dome up top, that’s called a skullet. And the greasy mustache has got to get punched right the fuck off.

    He’s upset that the kids graduate and leave him there. Does he want the kids to get left back and he takes classes at the community college? WTF, Fogarty. Give Jon Arbuckle his plaid suit and bowtie, while you’re at it. He’s got a date with Liz. You can wear anything you want and your right hand will still be impressed.

  26. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Dill, Dill, Dill…

    I miss Cul de Sac.

    There’s re-Foob, re-Peanuts, re-Crock and even re-Elderberries. BC and Dick Tracy got reboots…

    I want re-SAC!

  27. hogenmogen
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:43 pm [Reply]

    JP:
    “A little over $10K in two weeks!”
    “That’s not like her. Something’s going on. Do you think she might be skipping meals? Drinking cheap vino? Eating in??”

  28. Sequitur
    January 25th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#26): There’s always the movie.

  29. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#24):

    Maxwell’s Solo Car Date

    Fixing A Vendo

  30. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (#26): Yahoo Comics is re-running CdS from the start.

  31. Uncle Lumpy
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:38 pm [Reply]

    Wow, $14K Cabernet sounds like some really upscale tipple!

    Wait, what? Oh … never mind: break a leg!

  32. Voshkod
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:47 pm [Reply]

    Wish I could go to Baltimore for the show, but I live in DC. With an inch – or more! – of snow coming down, I have preparations to make. Stocking up on booze, food and ammo. Eliminating the pets early. Prioritizing the children. Saying my prayers to Nyarlathotep.

  33. Rudy the Ape
    January 25th, 2013 at 2:56 pm [Reply]

    MT: Elrod saves a little time using the same 3rd panel for 1/23 and 1/24. Well done Jack, hope you enjoyed the extra time on napping.

  34. Majicou
    January 25th, 2013 at 3:03 pm [Reply]

    @Mardou Fox (#118): Gymkhana cake? Feh. Where’s my Gymkata cake? Hi-keeba! Or hi-cakeba.

    // Yeah, I know that’s not from Gymkata, but I don’t care. They go together in my brain.

  35. Bootsy
    January 25th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    Yay to the floaters, and huzzah for heavy pink cake!

    Insane panic about extremely mild weather conditions is what our meteorologists specialize in. And here, it’s rain! They go berserk when it rains, but it rains all the damn time! I can’t wait until the stoopid Superbowl is over. Traffic, street closures, somebody named Beyonce.

    Anything else I should complain about? Oh yeah, excuse me a sec *steps to the door and opens it*. You kids get offa my lawn!

  36. Sequitur
    January 25th, 2013 at 3:49 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#35):

    *steps to the door and opens it*. You kids get offa my lawn!

    Well said!

  37. Rocky Stoneaxe
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:01 pm [Reply]

    @Rudy the Ape (#33): MT: Elrod saves a little time using the same 3rd panel for 1/23 and 1/24. Well done Jack, hope you enjoyed the extra time on napping.

    You shouldn’t be so hard on ol’ Jackelrod. Most of his time is spent rummaging through file cabinets overflowing with clip-art — which is arduous work for an 88*-year-old man. If Jack wants to crash for a few minutes (or hours) on the old army cot he keeps in his studio, who are we to say “nay”?

    All kidding aside, I really do admire Jackelrod’s steadfast devotion to Mark Trail. Like Apartment 3-G artist Frank Bolle, Jack is well past retirement age, but he’s still pulling down a regular gig.

    *He turns 89 on March 29, 2013. Is it too early to wish him a “happy birthday”?

  38. UncleJeff
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:07 pm [Reply]

    I think Rocky@11 already has the clubhouse lead for next week’s COTW.
    It looks like the excellent COTWs from last week have already inspired some great comments like the Batiuk/Beatles crossovers.

    MT: I don’t see what’s so great about Rod Bassey’s super-lure. I guess in tomorrow’s episode, we will learn about it’s release of radiation which creates a 50-yard kill zone and its processors which pick out the fish most likely to win the tournament.

    Doonesbury: Do you think Garry has painted himself into a corner with the June 17th “due date” for Alex? If she’s carrying two “peanuts” (from the sonograph strip earlier in the week) and she’s not really “showing”, she’s either in for a real short pregnancy or some especially elongated comic strip run time.

  39. Sequitur
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:10 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#38):

    Doonesbury: Do you think Garry has painted himself into a corner with the June 17th “due date” for Alex?

    She didn’t say June 17, 2013.

  40. UncleJeff
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#35): Don’t forget to slam the door shut. We don’t want a big snow drift forming in your front room.

  41. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:11 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to the floaters!

  42. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#y43): Now, now—clam down! Of course we know that you’re the gentlest of ‘mudges!

    Congrats, float-folk!

  43. Der Schnärkïnätör mit Ümläütën!
    January 25th, 2013 at 4:51 pm [Reply]

    @Bootsy (#35):

    Do you live down in the Big Easy?

    I was there on vacation in Mid December and sampled lots of yummy gumbo and red beans & rice. You have some mighty good food down there. I even like that you can get drinks to go and walk around with them in the French Quarter!

    But I wouldn’t want to fight the combination of the Super Bowl and Mardi Gras crowds!

  44. Nekrotzar
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:17 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12):

    You Know My Name (Look up the gravestone)

  45. Poteet
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:30 pm [Reply]

    LUANN — Iowa has some small high schools in rural areas, but long before a school is down to eight students in the junior class, it is forced to consolidate. What state is this school in??

  46. Chareth Cutestory
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:34 pm [Reply]

    Woo! First float ride of 2013!

  47. Voshkod
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:35 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#45): A state of existential despair. No, I’m sorry, I’m told that’s the state Westville High is in.

  48. Shrug, of The Flab One
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12):

    Very funny Batiuk Beatles remakes, but you forgot

    “Baby’s in Black, Well, D’oh!”

    “No, It Isn’t”

    “Crash My Car”

    “The Taxauditman”

    and

    “Rocky Roadkill Racoon”

  49. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    Some years back, I thought and thought and decided that a ‘real time’ comic strip would be about something that happens at the same rate the comic comes out, and has about the same duration. The unities of comics? So something like a once-a-day brief encounter between two characters, complete in one day worth of panels. Blondie and Dilbert come near this sometimes. I’m sure others do as well, but I’m tired of writing this comment and wish to do something else for a while.

  50. Shrug, Counting on His Fingers
    January 25th, 2013 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @UncleJeff (#38):

    DOONESBURY: Also, this would indicate Alex is already in her second trimester, which makes a couple of the recent strips nonsense already….?

  51. Trillian
    January 25th, 2013 at 6:39 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#45): And the junior class is by far the largest class at Pitts High. The only other students in the entire school are Ox and Leslie Knox, who must be in different grades since they did not attend the fair (or Leslie’s just sneaking a cigarette behind the dumpster or something).

    Mr. Fogarty can’t wait to get this huge class graduated so that the school will only need one teacher and he can be offered a sweet early retirement package.

  52. Shrug, with a Head Count (Yep, Still Only One on My Shoulders)
    January 25th, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Trillian (#51):

    Isn’t Midget Elvis also a student there?

  53. Trillian
    January 25th, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers: In deep denial.

    MT: Turns out Rusty Trail has spent every dime of his allowance buying up every “Rod Bassy Killer” in town. “Mark’ll have to take me fishing now…”

  54. Trillian
    January 25th, 2013 at 6:58 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, with a Head Count (Yep, Still Only One on My Shoulders) (#52): I totally forgot him. Do we ever see him at school? I thought he was too cool for school.

  55. Shrug, Dogging It
    January 25th, 2013 at 6:59 pm [Reply]

    PLUGGERS: My best guess at the alleged joke is that Mrs. Dog has decided they are both going on a diet, so they will get dry food only rather than (presumably more caloric and presumably more tasty) wet food. But of course “dog treats,” while dry, are not really the same as “dry dog food,” so if that’s the joke it’s deeply flawed.

  56. Sequitur
    January 25th, 2013 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#42): I wasn’t going to say anything about it because you’ve been so nice about not correcting our grammer, spelling or chiding us over not proofreading our comments. However, the more I look at it I think “clam down” is a great phrase and should be acknowledged as such. It’s got such a great ring to it especially when applied to queek who has been totally unshellfish about sharing his squee.

    Good work!

  57. Arabella
    January 25th, 2013 at 7:44 pm [Reply]

    Pickles: So Earl gets a free deodorant, but now smells like sweet pea and violets. Is Opal over-reacting here? You would think that a long-married couple could interchange deodorants on clean underarms without one having a hissy fit. But is Earl using it INSTEAD of showering? Maybe she’s justified.

    Is Plugger Dog featured today also named Earl? Coincidence or pre-destination?

  58. tallyHO
    January 25th, 2013 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#56):

    I agree.
    It means something quite different from “calm down”.
    It is almost like “clamp down” but you wouldn’t tell an individual to “clamp down”.

    But, “clam down” would be shutting up like a clam. That comes in handy. I would think anyone in a class room setting would relish telling a group or just one of them to clam down.


    Now, clam down, clever Cloudbuster and all of you funny Floaters! Making the funny and making people laugh throughout the week! Why I oughta…!

  59. Uncle Lumpy
    January 25th, 2013 at 8:04 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#56): @tallyHO (#58):

    “Clam down” is canon. Exegesis here.

  60. Uncle Lumpy
    January 25th, 2013 at 8:09 pm [Reply]

    T-shirts, mugs, hats, and thongs here.

  61. Poteet
    January 25th, 2013 at 8:11 pm [Reply]

    @Voshkod (#47): @Trillian (#51): I think you’re both right.

  62. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 25th, 2013 at 8:48 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#59): Yes—although both Sequitur and tallyHo were so nice about it that I sort of wish it had been a typo!

    But I’ll take this opportunity to explain in advance any increase in typos in my posts: I fell and injured my hand 3 weeks ago on vacation in Mexico, and I found out today that I have a torn ligament in my thumb, so I have to wear a splint for the next 3-4 weeks—which makes hitting the keyboard accurately a bit more challenging! (And no carrying heavy cakes—or pink tins filled with odds and ends—for the next few weeks!)

  63. Artist formerly known as Ben
    January 25th, 2013 at 9:02 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to the float crew. I saw that the COTWs were up when I was at work but I wanted to wait until I got home to properly enjoy them.

  64. Peanut Gallery
    January 25th, 2013 at 9:20 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#62): Bummer — I wish you a good recovery!

    Meanwhile, you know what they say… “Keep clam and carry on.”

  65. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 25th, 2013 at 9:37 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#62): offers kisses to make it all better.

    *gigglez*

  66. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 25th, 2013 at 9:43 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#64): and @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#65): Thanks—doggie kisses always help! (And it could have been much worse—cast or surgery—so I’m good!)

  67. Aviatrix
    January 25th, 2013 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @hogenmogen (qY30): The commercial start with a message known to almost all people smart enough to tie shoelaces: it’s the athlete, not the shoes. Meanwhile they fire a second message, “Michel Jordan wears these shoes” into the heart. The heart looks up, the head is still nodding, and you go buy the shoes.

    //I thought they were all called Duran, and that it was short for Duran Duran Duran Duran.

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (qY67): That makes a startling amount of sense. Being on a diet is eating proper nutrition for your species. Did you just make a Pluggers panel profound and clever?

    @fillmoreeast (qY69): Your post was going so well, too.

    @commodorejohn (qY137): They say old people love nostalgia, even for times and things that weren’t that great, because it’s proof they can remember something. I laughed at that joke but still can’t remember who employed isometrics in lieu of what and why.

    //qY = quasi-Yesterday, the post before the metapost, on which many people are still posting, for some reason.

  68. nescio
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    I’m so happy to be a COTW runner-up. If I could just say one thing: “Penis!”

  69. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:07 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#62): This will teach you to avoid barroom fights. Life is not like one of those old John Wayne westerns, you know. Sure, it looks fun, with everybody smashing chairs over each other’s heads, but then someone hurts their thumb, and it’s a different story!

    // Oh. You fell. Of course. I believe you. I’m your friend, not like the others.

  70. Aviatrix
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    You floaters are funny, and curiously there was no overlap between your bon mots and the jokes that caused me to laugh unto pain, which just goes to show that it takes all kinds of funny to make this site. Like…

    hogenmogen : RMMD: Beer, bathing suits, soaking wet strippers, jealous rage and guns… It’s as if Rat was writing his version of what a Charterstone pool party should be.

    I was so sure that first one would be on Josh’s float that I saved two more by hogenmogen. And now I give up, I can’t pick a favourite between these next two:

    pugfuggly: No two elephants are the same! Sure, numbers 2 and 5 look similar, but they each have their own specific duck-related fetishes. And while that not make much difference to us, I can tell you that in a couple minutes duck 5 is going to be quite sorry he got paired with that particular elephant.

    pugfuggly: Tip for writers: having a character saying things like ‘I have nothing to hide!’ and ‘Are you saying I’m doing something illegal?’ in the first few minutes after introducing them is not so much foreshadowing as forebludgeoning.

    Red Greenback: Mark Trail, I’ve heard about you… so I shaved!

    Comrade Denny: Phantom: Never show a lion surviving in the firstsixth act unless it devours the evil mine operators in the thirdnineteenth.

    And then here are a few theme entries trying to figure out what was so hard about carrying a cake:

    Gladly, the cross-eyed bear: The trip from the work table to the display station should take a couple of weeks, shown from various angles Battleship Potemkin style.

    Baka Gaijin: Poor poor Mary and Jim. Yellowcake with pink frosting is not
    the same as yellow cake with pink frosting. The massively increased density should have tipped them off if the visit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission hadn’t.

    Walker of Dog: Based on Mary’s expression, the secret ingredient is amphetamine.

    And finally, you must go and read a couple of longer contributions from bourbon babe, unbuckled, Dawn’s chat with hypothetical friends and Bluegill’s diary entry.

  71. Uncle Lumpy
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#67):

    … still can’t remember who employed isometrics in lieu of what and why.

    Ira! Weights! To bulk up! In 2005!

  72. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:23 pm [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12): I’m a Beat Les fan!

  73. Peanut Gallery
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:27 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#70):

    not so much foreshadowing as forebludgeoning

    Yes! “Forebludgeoning” would make a good word.

  74. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:33 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#69): So, Bourbon Babe walks into this Mexican bar, and says, “I can lick any man in the joint!” No, wait… I’ll start again.

    So, Bourbon Babe walks into the Mexican bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, Senorita! We have a drink named after you.” And Bourbon Babe says, “You have a drink named Albert Camus?”

    // So. It has come to this.

  75. Red Greenback
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:37 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#70): Cool! Thank you.

  76. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#74): yin/yang of memes, wrapped up like Ouroboros.

  77. Aviatrix
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    LUBJEM FEJF regrets coming aboard a cut-rate repositioning cruise.

  78. bats :[
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:43 pm [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#59): because if you can’t trust even a D list character in Rex Morgan, M.D., who can you trust?
    (Rex? Oh, yeah. Funny.)

  79. Nehemiah Scudder
    January 25th, 2013 at 10:44 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#73): Yes! “Forebludgeoning” would make a good word.

    Yes, good honest Anglo-Saxon for the altiloquent “prefustigation”!

    // George Orwell would approve.

  80. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:14 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#62):

    That’s OK, you don’t need to tell us what REALLY happened. We all still love you just the same!

  81. Aviatrix
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:24 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder (qY132): The narration box clearly called it a flame. Are you doubting the omniscience of the narration box?

  82. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:32 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#69): It’s all fun ‘n games until someone tears a thumb ligament.

    @Aviatrix (#70): I made the Aviatrix Aerial Float? Yay! (thanks!)

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#74): Snerk.

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#80): As soon as I come up with a really good story, I’ll let you know what really happened.

    (That would make a good story!)

  83. Ratiocinator
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#162):

    Metapost –> This way –> C’mon!

    Okay okay, I’m here!

    What a strange, fascinating new world this is…

    *gazes around in awe*

  84. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:46 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#82):

    I think that you missed your calling – you should be a writer for a nature magazine or sumpin’!

    // I have connections! I could set you up with EditorBillEllis!

  85. bats :[
    January 25th, 2013 at 11:48 pm [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#62): dammit….you’re going to let Mary and John win by default??!

    @nescio (#68): Clam down!

  86. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:00 am [Reply]

    Crankshaft: Uh-oh. I have one of those in my garden. And I think mine is really cool.

    FW: I like the depiction of the coffee vending machine. I can really identify with it, and feel that it could be a real vending machine with which I could have a relationship[*].

    MT: I can unsnark this strip. What Rod Bassy is saying is that he knows so well the convolutions of the piscine[*] mind that he was able to design this lure. You can buy the lure, but you can’t buy the knowledge you’d need to beat him. And really, that lure’s so cute, I want to bite it.

    Phantom: So I’m a villager, and I kill a lioness, which I assume is the phantom lioness, because we keep killing it near here, and then I see another lioness. What is my immediate reaction? I…
    (a) think, “oh-oh, I didn’t kill the real phantom lioness, that’s it over there.”
    (b) think, “there’s a real lioness here, too, I’d better be careful.”
    (c) think, “two lionesses? The phantom lioness is obviously a fake!”
    (d) run away without further thought, because there’s a lion here and I haven’t got my barbed spear out of the first lion yet.

  87. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:02 am [Reply]

    @bourbon babe, unbuckled (#82): Your best stuff is too long for Josh’s float, or to fit in the title bar for the COTW, but it needs to be highlighted so people who assume all the late-thread long form posts are drivel like mine have a second chance to enjoy the funny.

  88. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:07 am [Reply]

    AZ Central has just served me a snub page and told me my link is an unauthorized feed. I’ll have to go elsewhere to watch Rex watch strippers throw each other into pools and watch June do things actually related to her profession.

  89. Droopy Says
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:33 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: If Parker knew anything about hitching a ride, he’d know that you’re supposed to step in front of a speeding car. We’re all agreed he should try that, right?

    Flunky: “I like my coffee the way I like my despair: black and bitter.”

    Family Circus: Jeffy, your mouth is open. Put a sock in it!

    Mock Travail: If Rod Bassy is so smart, why did he set his finger on fire?

    Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if you think wheels are a passing fad.

    Phantom: Think about it: you can’t buy anything like that lion-zapper. It must be purpose built, by someone who understands not only electronics, but can make it non-allergenic and able to operate inside a living animal, with tiny batteries powerful enough to deliver countless powerful shocks. And it must have been done by a mad scientist who knows the Phantom legend is a hoax, and who can deal with idiot criminals. Face it, Kit, E. Queasy Bowles is back!

  90. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#89):

    Spot on snark again as usual Droopy, SPOT ON!

  91. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:55 am [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#89):

    // Let’s go have a pint!

  92. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:58 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#71): That was back in ancient history, when the Pontiac Sunfire was a cool car.

  93. Poteet
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:01 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#86): The fake alligator head is a big improvement over the caged live coyote featured last year.

  94. Mr. O'Malley
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:07 am [Reply]

    Uh oh. Could we have some nefarious mine operators around here too?

    http://www.mercurynews.com/science/ci_22451378/automatic-camera-takes-rare-photo-mountain-lion-wandering

    For laughs, compare the headline with the inset map.

  95. Poteet
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:15 am [Reply]

    FW — No no no, not everyone. Some people are killed in car accidents and some are killed by fast cancers and some are murdered and some are stricken by heart attacks and fall over dead. You live in Funkyville, young man. You should know by now that wretched lives and deaths take many varied forms. It’s the Funkyville version of biodiversity, or in this case, gloomodiversity.

  96. Uncle Lumpy
    January 26th, 2013 at 1:48 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#92):

    … the Pontiac Sunfire was a cool car.

    Lordy, you crack me up.

  97. Aviatrix
    January 26th, 2013 at 2:01 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#93): Hey, get off my lawn!

  98. Doctor Handsome
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:22 am [Reply]

    Big Laffs all around, as always.
    DEAD LISA SUCKS COCKS IN HELL.

  99. Doctor Handsome
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:30 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12): While My Readership Violently Weeps

  100. Mr Frog
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:44 am [Reply]

    9CL: The Burber women have learned to will solid matter into existence ex nihilo, testing their abilities by crushing an irritating public speaker under an enormous piano. As they watch his unrecognisably-mangled corpse being extracted from the wreckage before a horrified crowd, will they perhaps feel regret — a poignant moment in which they realise that unimaginable power must be tempered by a similar level of restraint? Will they learn that, sometimes, the true price of tyranny is living with the knowledge of what you’ve done? Haha, of course not, these people are pricks.

  101. Mr. O'Malley
    January 26th, 2013 at 5:58 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#12):
    We All Live in a Yellow Senior Care Facility
    Got to Get You into my Life Insurance Plan
    Doctor Robert Lost my X-Rays
    Drive My Car Into a Ditch
    I’m Only Sleeping, Don’t Send Me to the Morgue
    I’m Looking Through You Because You’re a Ghost
    If I Needed Some Pizza
    If I Fell off the Gurney

  102. Mr Frog
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:09 am [Reply]

    Also, I love the term ‘forebludgeoning’. The English language has now been measurably improved for me.

  103. pugfuggly
    January 26th, 2013 at 6:54 am [Reply]

    @Aviatrix (#70):

    Two on the Aviatrix float? You are too kind sir.

  104. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#94): very cool!

    Of course, this isn’t as cool as a mountain lion…a cougar, maybe.

  105. bats :[
    January 26th, 2013 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    @Doctor Handsome (#98): sure beats Westview… (location and activity)

  106. gleeb
    January 26th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    3-G: Hey, you’re the one who watched her pour all that scotch down her throat. Shouldn’t that give you a clue?

    ‘bean: Well, now I’m not sure if Jess likes stupid guys. Is a divorce drama in the offing? Or is that too ordinary for Vinegar Tom? I know this, though. Cancerdeathville Hospital has a lousy vendo supplier. Look at that stain of spilled coffee. Up next: a Sunday strip which may well contain a healthy, non-stroke-suffering Fred.

    Dick: “The knives are the barracks. And this water was the lake we lived under…”

    Thorp: And how can this be? Because she has the power of The Peacock!

  107. greghousesgf
    January 26th, 2013 at 12:35 pm [Reply]

    ALL the male characters in Funky are Nowhere Men.

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