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Metapost: Triumphant return COTW

I’m back, everybody! Back and better than just as good as ever. Thanks for being kind to your favorite Uncle Lumpy while I was gone — he tells me you’ve been good. Can’t believe I missed the week of Faithful Reader Druj Nasu’s Automatic Rexifier, my goodness! Anyway, here is your fantabulous comment of the week!

“‘But what if I fail?’ Wait, failure is posited here as a merely hypothetical outcome? This is the most optimistic Funky Winkerbean ever.” –Doctor Handsome

And here are the runners up, very funny!

Apartment 3-G: “I can’t imagine a world without Margo! Really, I can’t. She’ll know if I do.” –Zaratustra

Mark Trail: “Yes, Rusty, maybe tomorrow Catfish will let you into his van and I am not the least bit worried about a total stranger entertaining you in the back of his van.” –Sgt. Stoned

Judge Parker: “Randy, you’re a judge! You can’t go around like that, just freely admitting that you’re as dumb as a bag of hammers. Act judicial, Randy! You’re as dumb as a bag of gavels!” –seismic-2

“I’m not getting an intensive-care-unit vibe from this. I’m not even getting a hospital vibe from this. I’m getting a very-weird-dorm-with-Craftmatic-adjustable-single-beds vibe from this.” –Poteet

Spider-Man: “Daredevil: ‘When it homes in on me, it’ll explode!’ Spidey: ‘Yeah, like it’s all about YOU now, is it?’” –Hogenmogen

9 Chickweed Lane: “Maybe the cow just needs to be orked. I don’t know how you ork a cow, but there must be experts who do that, because I see lots of people online telling stories about their ‘coworkers.’” –Peanut Gallery

“(In an) article about the effects of the budget sequestration on the National Zoo’s ability to feed the animals, there’s a nice picture of the curator who is ‘in charge of these hungry goats as well as the big cats.’ My immediate thought: Feed the hungry goats to the big cats. Because there’s only so much Phantom to go around, know what I mean?” –Lumaca Morente

“And when you are in Mexico can you get me some weed? The guy I get my weed from says that the guy he gets the weed from has gotten out of the marijuana business and is going to start a solar farm instead.” –Liam

Mary Worth: “Cheer up, John. With your book of unattributed, out-of-context bittersweet quotes, it’s like Mary never left your side!” –Inkwell

Hägar the Horrible: “Hagar seems genuinely confused by Grandpa’s ‘over 21′ request. It’s a sex slave, gramps, I think an age of consent doesn’t really matter if the person isn’t consenting in the first place.” –pugfuggly

Phantom: “The Ghost Who Talks Out Loud To Himself assures the audience that he doesn’t normally get clobbered over the head that easily. It’s not like he’s Spider-Man.” –Horace Broon

Spider-Man: “‘Countdown to Zero’. Couldn’t have said it better myself!” –Mibbitmaker

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62 responses to “Metapost: Triumphant return COTW”

  1. Ratiocinator
    February 24th, 2013 at 6:30 pm [Reply]

    Who the hell are you? You’re not Uncle Lumpy! We want Uncle Lumpy back! *throws eardrum-shattering tantrum*

    Seriously man, welcome back and hope you had a good vacation.

  2. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 24th, 2013 at 6:45 pm [Reply]

    that’s one damb fine float.

    a +1 to the cow orker comment, one that had me sniggering for days.

  3. Poteet
    February 24th, 2013 at 6:51 pm [Reply]

    Huzzahs and tossed garlands for Doctor Handsome and the other highly-entertaining float riders, among whom it is an honor to be! And the asterisk this week goes to Peanut Gallery.

  4. Poteet
    February 24th, 2013 at 6:52 pm [Reply]

    And welcome back, Josh! Thanks for the nice long COTW list.

  5. Ratiocinator
    February 24th, 2013 at 7:04 pm [Reply]

    So, serious question about McEldowney possibly lurking here to spy on his critics: what’s the normal lead time for newspaper Sunday strips and for Monday-Saturday strips? Because if he’s responding to anything said here, it would have to be something said a couple of weeks ago or a month ago, I think.

  6. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    February 24th, 2013 at 7:12 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#5): 2 to 4 weeks, depending on the strip

    Doons is 2 weeks, most are 3-4.

  7. Sequitur
    February 24th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @Poteet (#3): And congrats to you, Poteet, for making the float!

    Throw chocolate covered lizards!

  8. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 24th, 2013 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    That is one fine collection up there! Special kudos to Peanut G.’s cow orkers! It gruntled me.

  9. Majicou
    February 24th, 2013 at 7:49 pm [Reply]

    Cow orkers: clearly, the solution to 9 Chickweed Lane is more dakka.

    // I mean on the characters, not Brooke. I do have limits.

  10. Ratiocinator
    February 24th, 2013 at 7:50 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#9): I’d settle for some dakka. Nobody’s been shot yet, have they?

  11. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    February 24th, 2013 at 8:22 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#10): I’d settle for a heavy flamer.

  12. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 24th, 2013 at 8:26 pm [Reply]

    Welcome back, Josh. We’ll, uh, restock the liquor cabinet as soon as we can.

    And congratulations to the float folk, of course.

  13. jim, some guy in iowa
    February 24th, 2013 at 8:27 pm [Reply]

    how many papers does a strip have to be in before it’s ‘successful’, i wonder. i read about ‘mark trail’ on wiki, and from its 60s peak of 500, it’s down to 175 (which is probably not bad considering the state of the newspaper business).

    reason i ask is, i never heard of 9 cl until i started reading here – and i fairly often check out other newspapers than the one i subscribe to

  14. Sequitur
    February 24th, 2013 at 8:32 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#12): It was kind of amazing. There was actually liquor left over this time.

    His pot stash however…

  15. Newspaper Boy, USA
    February 24th, 2013 at 9:08 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#15): OK, Ok. I’ll make sure to throw it on your walkway.

    Say, mister, you want to buy Grit?

  16. [Old Man] Muffaroo
    February 24th, 2013 at 9:17 pm [Reply]

    love is… …a cute tribute to the classic Crumb cartoon from SNATCH Comics: “Freezin’ their butts off, but what do they care?”

  17. Liam
    February 24th, 2013 at 9:19 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#15):

    My newspaper runs Mark Trail only on Sunday.

  18. Huckleberry Fink
    February 24th, 2013 at 9:33 pm [Reply]

    @Newspaper Boy, USA (#16): Not so fast, kid. You selling Grit or True Grit?
    John Wayne or Jeff Bridges? And does Rooster Cogburn wear his eyepatch over his right eye or left eye?

    Congrats to this week’s winners!

  19. Liam
    February 24th, 2013 at 9:36 pm [Reply]

    How do your papers run the comics? My paper will run “Judge Parker” and “Sally Forth” during the week but not the Sunday comics and “Mark Trail” is run only on Sunday. My paper will also cut out some of the first panels in the Sunday comics.

  20. Newspaper Boy, USA
    February 24th, 2013 at 9:42 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#19): Gosh, mister. Don’t you want to keep your hands clean?

  21. Peanut Gallery
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:00 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#2), @Poteet (#3), @Nehemiah Scudder (#8), @Majicou (#9), @tallyHO (#15): Wow, thanks everybody! And Josh! Kudos for everyone else’s funny comments too.

    Since it’s my very first ride on the float, I’m throwing virtual candy. And not just Tootsie Rolls and bubble gum either — feel free to pretend I’m throwing the expensive stuff!

  22. Peanut Gallery
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:02 pm [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#Y158): That was a truly impressive compendium of catchphrases! Of course there are a few left over for next week’s show…
    TOAD: You killed a friend of mine’s pet bear!
    SAM: Sorry… it’s the pirate costume.
    TRACY: More zippers, mule!

    @Horace Broon (#Y174): Ooh, that’s some good Kipling, if I may say so, as one who’s hardly ever Kippled.

  23. Sequitur
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:04 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#22): Wow! Virtual peanuts!

  24. Peanut Gallery
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:10 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#24): Chocolate covered! And not the styrofoam ones. Unless, of course, you happen to like “Circus Peanuts.” (Peanut of shape, orange of color, banana of flavor. You got a problem with that?)

  25. Peanut Gallery
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:11 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#Y248):

    I heard somebody say the difference between a good coder and a great one is the willingness to document why you did what you did, so that you and whoever comes after you has a fighting shot at understanding it.

    I used to do a lot of that, not just for my code but for design decisions we made as a group. Mainly because we had so many experiences of wondering (a few months later), “Why didn’t we just do it this other, simpler way?” Then I could dredge up the notes and say, “We figured out that wouldn’t work because…” It saved us from breaking things.

  26. Sequitur
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:15 pm [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#25): I haven’t had one of those peanut-shaped candies in-many-a-year, since I was a kid. If I remember correctly (which is up a for debate) they tasted okay. Not like a real banana but bananaish. Kind of. Almost.

  27. bbofun
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:20 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#5): Although it’s certainly not impossible that Brooke reads this blog, I find it unlikely- the whole reason for him having comments disabled on his strips at GoComics was because he didn’t want to read criticism from mouthbreathers like us.

    This doesn’t mean he’s unaware of us- just that my assumption is, if he’s heard of this site, he just assumes we don’t “get it” because we aren’t at his level of erudition. Thus, his characterization of the “troll” in Pibgorn- which doesn’t even make sense from the POV of trying to make fun of his critics, as he seems far more concerned with playing his game and making earth-shattering scientific and metaphysical discoveries (he controls wormholes from which Djinn appear with his computer keyboard) without bothering to make any money or fame from them, than in posting criticism of comic strips.

    Today’s strip is probably in reference to the fact that several newspapers received complaints about the “proposal” sequence, wherein Amos was lying on top of Edda, and there was some banter that was clearly an attempt to make erection jokes, while getting it past the censors. That happened (IIRC) months ago, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he writes strips (particularly Sundays, which are generally not “in continuity” with the rest of the week) that far in advance.

  28. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:36 pm [Reply]

    Congrats to the floaters!

  29. Rocky Stoneaxe
    February 24th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    @Huckleberry Fink (#19): You forgot to put the ™ after “Congrats to this week’s winners!” That’s a drubbing, Mr. Fink.

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#y203): @Alison (#196): It should be fun when Mr. Dill meets Chef Pierre. No doubt Pierre is expecting a young person (there aren’t many retired people acting as interns), and he’s going to be awfully surprised disgusted to see an elderly man retired hotel manager…

    Chef Pierre can always ask his friend Chef Boyardee to train John Dill for a career in the food service industry. Not that John doesn’t already have plenty of experience sitting at home alone and eating Chef Boyardee Spaghetti straight out of the can.

  30. Inkwell
    February 24th, 2013 at 11:15 pm [Reply]

    Congratulations to everyone on the float! but especially myself

  31. Poteet
    February 24th, 2013 at 11:18 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#7): Thank you! And thanks for the suggestion — I’m throwing solid-chocolate lizards that have both aesthetic appeal and yummyness.

  32. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:13 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#14):

    His pot stash however…

    Turns out he took that with him. What we were smoking is oregano. What the hell, it was fragrant anyway.

  33. Artist formerly known as Ben
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:20 am [Reply]

    @Liam (#19): The Providence Journal has one measly page in the weekday comics, which is one reason I don’t buy it. Strangely enough it seems to keep up more with the soap strips than does the Boston Globe, which I subscribe to. The ProJo runs Judge Parker and Rex Morgan while the Globe only runs Spider-Man, and that not on Sundays. Among the comics that the Globe doesn’t run on Sundays is Heart of the City, while Thatababy only appears on Sunday.

    //Going back to the Journal for a second, I have noticed that they carry Gil (hold the Thorp). Considering their limited space it’s surprising they picked up something so new.

  34. Poteet
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:22 am [Reply]

    MW — Dangit, Comics Kingdom, give us the Monday strip, not the strip from last Friday. Don’t deprive us of the exciting new storyline.

  35. Poteet
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:23 am [Reply]

    MT — Oh lord will this story never progress.

  36. Poteet
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:30 am [Reply]

    FW — I have friends and relatives who teach or taught high school kids and never went to their games. Is student-game attendance required of teachers in Batiuk High? If so, it’s a new interesting dimension of the utter hell that is the Batiukiverse.

  37. Poteet
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:40 am [Reply]

    A3G — Morning a month later??? What??? So it’s just good-bye Evan, we’ll never hear about him again? He was the dullest bomber in history, plus his bomb was pretty much a dud, but he’s the closest we’ve come to criminal A3G drama in some time, and I resent this leap in time. Make that deeply resent!

  38. Droopy Says
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:44 am [Reply]

    Spiderdick: A missile that can be confused by Spiderman? Congratulations, Kingpin, you’ve invented the world’s first stupid bomb.

    Creepy Les: I prefer Latin teacher humor, in which “decimation” is meant literally. And doing the math here, this implies that there are one hundred teachers on the staff. Or maybe it implies that the math teacher is underqualified for her job.

    Family Circus: That’ll teach Bil to open his eyes first thing in the morning!

    Phantom: Wow, the story has really progressed since Friday. Kit has gone from barely awake to almost fully aware of his surroundings.

    Mock Travail: Sunday Mark Trail is like a mountain breeze rustling through a pine forest. This is like snorting Pine-Sol.

    Pluggers: Will Chicken Lady get upset that she can’t reach the penny? Will we see a real flustercluck of a tantrum?

  39. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:45 am [Reply]

    Juggs Parker: OK, so Neddy is studying in Paris, gets a $10K per month allowance, and has a live in butler? Where did I go wrong?…..

  40. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:47 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#37):

    I thought that he was leaving her a gift? But now he was really trying to kill her? WTF?

  41. Uncle Lumpy
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:49 am [Reply]

    Where did I go wrong?…..

    By not being born Der Kömmëntätör, ein SchpëncërPärkër?

  42. Poteet
    February 25th, 2013 at 12:54 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#40): Apparently Evan confessed to leaving a bomb in Margo’s closet. Not that we ever saw him leave the closet after he left the package there. Not that it was much of a bomb. And not that we got to see him confess, and not that we ever got to find out why he did it. And I bet we never get to see/hear anything about whatever punishment he gets. A3G is the most determined-to-be-dull strip since that old strip-within-a-strip about dust particles (or some such) in DT, and I probably owe that dust-particle strip an apology.

  43. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    February 25th, 2013 at 1:12 am [Reply]

    @Uncle Lumpy (#41):

    Ouch Uncla Lumpy, Major Ouch! /Austin Powers

  44. tallyHO
    February 25th, 2013 at 1:24 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#40):

    As Slylock Fox would say, “________________”

    So Evan was intentionally trying to kill Margo and he wanted to “see the look on her face”. That one statement made it seem like he was hiding out waiting for her to go into her closet. The Boy in the Golden Slicker was actually the Goonybomber.

    It was just all kinds of messed up, as a story goes. @Poteet (#42): They stretched out one evening/morning into a two month strip.

    The extra part is all the other loose ends they have: Aunt Cathy; stealing clients; Bond James Bond’s next movie; Prof. Soulpatch’s heart attack; LuAnn; Margo…One month later, where’s Margo?
    Oh no.
    Not Margo!
    Don’t tell me there was a latent reaction to the zzzzzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzz….heemy heemy heemy kkkZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzaaack!

    Oh yeah. I like how in MW, John Dill’s going back in time and repeating his charmed life as a farce. Three more months and we won’t know who he is and why he’s at a garden party.

  45. tallyHO
    February 25th, 2013 at 1:26 am [Reply]


    The rocket’s homing in on his spider aura? So it isn’t a heat seeking missile? It is actually a stink bomb?

  46. Nehemiah Scudder
    February 25th, 2013 at 5:16 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#22): “…compendium of catchphrases…”

    What!? Are you accusing me of CHEATING?

  47. Liam
    February 25th, 2013 at 5:42 am [Reply]

    MW-Yay! Another extra day of John Dill pining away for Mary.

  48. Dale
    February 25th, 2013 at 5:50 am [Reply]


    Why is Bluegill telling Mark what kind of lure Bassy was using? Mark was in the boat with Bassy.

    Does the lure actually light up or just glow? Is it available for sale? I thought it was Bassy’s personal version.

  49. Dale
    February 25th, 2013 at 5:54 am [Reply]

    @Poteet (#36):

    I don’t remember seeing teachers at games very often.
    For a solid best practices reference, consider Gil Thorp. He’s the head coach, and he doesn’t go to games.

  50. Huckleberry Fink
    February 25th, 2013 at 6:58 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#29): That’s a drubbing, Mr. Fink.

    Take two “mea culpas” and call me in the morning.

  51. gleeb
    February 25th, 2013 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    Slylock: Farmer Hog is kind of an idiot. Sure, hire an ex-con like shady Shrew, give him a chance, but you gotta watch him.

    ‘bean: Yay! No more band crap for a while! Anyway, Creepy Les has to attend girls’ basketball games now, to try to hide the way he was stalking his daughter. He ain’t fooling anyone. I know decimate comes from the punishment of one in ten, but that meaning was lost years ago.

    H&L: Lois has got to make those kids stop listening to Muddy Waters records.

    Abbey’s Long Distance Telephony Addiction: “Yes, you deaf fool! THEY LEFT LAST NIGHT! Now stop calling me!”

    Dick: I’d comment that Lizz got kind of cheated from having anything interesting to do with this story, but that’s true of the entire police force. Way to go, softball-tossing Toad!

    Love is: …babies drinking wine.

  52. Little Guy
    February 25th, 2013 at 7:18 am [Reply]

    Congrats to the Floaters, and Welcome Back, Josh!

    Classic Peanuts: These days, it would have been “tasered”.

  53. John C Fremont
    February 25th, 2013 at 8:06 am [Reply]

    A3G – Speaking of Thirty Days In The Hole

    Last we knew, 3G was filled with fumes from a gift bomb. If we missed out on a month’s worth of Albert Pinkham Ryder appearances and crappy flower paintings, I will be seriously pissed!

  54. bourbon babe, unbuckled
    February 25th, 2013 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    Morning-after congrats, Float-Folk!

  55. UncleJeff
    February 25th, 2013 at 8:10 am [Reply]

    Rod Bassy had a better weekend than Shirley Bassey.

  56. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    February 25th, 2013 at 8:11 am [Reply]

  57. Horace Broon
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    Hey, I made it again! Congrats to all!

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