Main content:


The course of true love is extremely traumatizing

Mary Worth, 3/14/13

The tale of Mary’s new neighbors, the Kinleys, is rumbling along! We’ve learned that Beth is a professional romance novelist and that her mother Elinor is mean and belittling about everything, especially how stupid the romance novel genre is (this being the market that is presumably paying for the condo that Elinor lives in, but let’s leave that aside for the moment). But today we learn that Elinor doesn’t just hate romance novels; she’s disgusted by her daughter’s failure to experience romance herself. “You know nothing about real-life romance! You’ve never felt your heart beat at the sight of your beloved! You’ve never held hands with the guy you’re going steady with down at the malt shop! You’ve never let some dude put his thingie in your hoo-hah! You’re a fraud, a disgusting fraud!”

It’s surprising, really, that someone with a supportive mother like Elinor hasn’t been able to work up any kind of romantic self-confidence. Anyway, we all know, of course, that Beth is going to fall under the spell of depressed shut-in divorce Tom Harpan. The key question is: will Beth move into Tom’s apartment, probably several yards away from where Elinor will be staying? Or will they all live together in mutual animosity, to cut down on costs?

Gasoline Alley, 3/14/11

Meanwhile, the battle for the rights to sex up this donkey, for love or money, continues! It’s only Thursday, so you’ve got at least two more days of this horrorshow.

308 responses to “The course of true love is extremely traumatizing”

  1. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:25 am [Reply]

    Short ribs:

    Lio — Harold’s purple crayon isn’t Lio’s schtick.

    Love Is… heating up a poultice to treat her boils.

  2. wossname
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:26 am [Reply]

    A S-M – OK, OK, now wait a minute. How does the gas know whose will to bend people to? If Dr. Lauren opens the test tube, why won’t it just bend Kingpin to her will?

    MT – Not to detract from Mark and Bluegill’s mad detective skilz… but what is that thing Mark is leaning on in panel 2? Possibly an old-fashioned radiator, but I guess it’s supposed to be the back of a chair. So which way is the chair facing? Either (a) they are both standing, the chair seat is to our right and is only 4” deep; (b) Bluegill is sitting on it backwards, facing Mark (ewww!); or (c) Mark is sitting backwards on the chair. If (c), the distance between Mark’s waist and his butt must be freakishly long, plus he has an extreme wide stance. Ewww again. I’m going back to the radiator theory.

  3. lorne
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:30 am [Reply]

    Elinor Kinley looks a lot like she’s about to go down to the Conclave to cast her vote with the rest of the Cardinals.

  4. revenge4Aldo
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:33 am [Reply]

    MW: Elinor is actually mad that her daughter didn’t accurately capture life in the Regency era.

  5. pugfuggly
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:34 am [Reply]

    MW ‘Your second book, the one about how to brush your hair with a switchblade, that one you knew something about. Speaking of which, I was thinking of a fancy up-do for tonight, so get out your machete.”

    GA So I guess I can add ‘buttering the hay’ to my list of bestiality euphemisms.

  6. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Spiderman-It’s called Super Crack. Twice as addictive as regular crack. We’ll flood the urban neighborhoods with it and make it look like the CIA did it.

    A3G-Tomorrow Margo will be talking about how Greg’s plane was hijacked and forced to fly to Cuba.

    Crankshaft-I’ll plant it in the neighbors yard and make it look like a suicide.

    FW-You’re supposed to be in a crazy old man’s hallucinations not mine.

    FC-Remember, Dolly, two can keep a secret if one is dead. Are you ready to kill Jeffy?

    Archie-That last panel is too funny. The casual way Jughead looks at the Lodges. The look of terror on Mr. Lodge’s and Veronica’s faces. “I’ve got a secret about you two that you don’t want revealed. Keep inviting me to these parties and it won’t,” Jughead thinks to himself.

    JP-So from what I’m hearing you haven’t been with any men since. You’ve just been with women, eh? That’s hot.

    MT-”Rusty being kidnapped is the only way that I can justify his running away.”

    Sally Forth-Sally’s mortal enemy is going to have a child with her sister. Looks like Sally is going to be the first person in the family convicted of murder and not Ted.

    RMMD-Looks like June and this blonde woman are the real couple here and Rex is just a beard.

  7. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:35 am [Reply]

    Luann – Whew! With the direction today’s strip is taking, I think we are going down the “Toni regrets leaving Dirk” path, rather than the “Toni wants B-Wad to give her a little baby dough boy” path. More pain for B-Wad! I haven’t had this much hope for a story line to lead to pain for one of our heroes since “Dirk gut punches Brad”!

    9CL -Wait, I thought that “Generic Beefcake” model males were able to be in the presence of a woman without falling into a heap on the floor? Or is that only for “Gay Generic Beefcake” characters?

  8. Droopy Says
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    @wossname (#2): Go with theory C, which must be correct because it says “freakishly.”

  9. sporknpork
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:36 am [Reply]

    Well, there’s a euphamism I didn’t need to read while buttering my breakfast toast.

  10. Chareth Cutestory
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:38 am [Reply]

    Mary Worth: “You may have written your first book on the subject, but you know nothing about it in real life! In real life, its all about negging, peacocking, and the Mystery Method!!”

  11. revenge4Aldo
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:50 am [Reply]

    MW: Elinor is still fuming over her losses in amateur cake decoration betting.

  12. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:53 am [Reply]

    Love is… … paving the Road to Hell.

  13. pugfuggly
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:01 am [Reply]

    ASM Pfft. I can already make a gas that bends people to my will, provided my will is an empty elevator.

    A3G An engagement usually spells death or disaster in this strip, doesn’t it? Let’s hope Greg’s passing will be memorable.

    FW I’m trying to imagine a situation in which Flash Gordon and Dale Arden would say ‘We can’t defeat this space menace on our own. We’ll need the help of a mopey, surly cartoonist!”

    MT Mark honestly can’t think of a reason why a man might not like people peering into the back of his van. Not a single reason.

  14. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:05 am [Reply]

    Dennis the Menace — “So far, guys, it’s been a pretty good life.”

    And it’s been a pretty good AFTERlife for you, Dennis, right? Because your creator Hank Ketcham (b. March 14, 1920) has been dead for almost 12 years. But you continue to “menace” us day in and day out…

    (Happy birthday, Hank — wherever you are!)

  15. pugfuggly
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:09 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#10):

    …and the Mystery Method

    That one I had to look up. Oy…..

    One thing I will admit: anyone who introduces themselves to strange women with ‘Hi, my name is Mystery’ will probably have to develop some pretty fine seduction skills just to recover from that starting point.

  16. But What Do I Know?
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    GT — Looks like the kids in Hamilton will be patting the pig a little longer. Meanwhile, peacock surprise will be on the lunch menu at Milford High tomorrow.

    ASM — Why would a clever scientist be willing to turn over a mind-control gas to a psychotic thug like Kingpin? Why not use it *on* Kingpin?

    RMMD — OMG, why did that woman turn into the Joker?

  17. Ratiocinator
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:13 am [Reply]

    9CL: I think most of us knew what Sven meant without that fourth panel.

    Slylock: That’s it kid, brush! Brush like your life depended on it! Brush like the maniac you clearly are!

  18. Oregonian
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:14 am [Reply]

    Well, of course old mother Kinley thinks she’s an expert on sex, love, and relationships! Heck, she’s got her own blog on the subject.

  19. Col. Havoc
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:20 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#13): ASM: Yes, I laughed. Float-worthy? That’s up to higher powers than mine.

  20. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:22 am [Reply]

    SM:

    Dr. Lauren: We invented a gas that bends people to your will!

    Kingpin: Excellent! How about a demonstration!

    Dr. Lauren (opens bottle): Be careful, this stuff is powerful!

    Kingpin: I will be careful, because this stuff is powerful!

    Dr. Lauren: It really works!

    Kingpin: It really works!

    Dr. Lauren: Dr. Lauren needs a huge bonus!

    Kingpin: I will give Dr. Lauren my huge boner!

    Dr. Lauren: Bonus! Bonus, I said!

    Kingpin: Yes, I will bone all of you!

    Dr. Lauren: Hey, I breathed the gas, too! Yes, Kingpin, your fat, sweaty body is suddenly alluring to me! You will bone us! Bone us!

    Punch, other henchmen: Bone us!

    Scientists: Bone us!

    An hour later, Spiderman and Daredevil walk in on a most disturbing scene.

  21. Ratiocinator
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    @But What Do I Know? (#16): @wossname (#2): Re. Doctor Lauren not using the gas on him, isn’t it sad to see somebody without any ambition like that?

    Oh yeah, and she confirmed today that the Kingpin had just knocked the guy out with that gas instead of killing him. So to recap, if you pull a gun on Newspaper Kingpin he will:

    -Zap you with some kind of ray that hurts briefly
    -Throw you in the air and catch you
    -Force you to take a nap

    Wouldn’t “The Sopranos” have been so much better if they’d done stuff like that?

  22. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:23 am [Reply]

    Mary Worthless: Is it me, or is Beth beginning to look just like Dawn with her orange centre strip dyed black?

    Luann: Tomorrow and the day after, Luann decides to launch a detective investigation to prove Dirk’s still an evil murderous roid rager. Hilarity will not ensue. After a few weeks the story line will quietly be dropped never to be mentioned again.

  23. Old Folkie
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    MT: Meanwhile, behind the cabin, a giant mutant bluejay is about to eat a mourning dove…

    Cranky: 3 things wrong with this picture- a 55 Chevy Bel Air is not built to tow/raise a tree this size, the chain is not at the proper fulcrum point to raise the tree, the root ball is too small to support the tree if raised.

    A3G: Panel 2 actually shows us a normal person in the process of mutating into one of the Blue Background People.

    9CL: If the men go to pieces just looking at the clothed women in 9CL, wouldn’t they have cardiac arrest at actually seeing them naked? If so, how could these people breed?

  24. Écureuil Écumant
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:25 am [Reply]

    MW: Judging by the second panel, Old Mother Kinley must be none other than Mary’s older sister. The one who used to whip her with a coathanger when she was tardy getting dressed for kindergarten in the morning.

  25. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:27 am [Reply]

    Old Folkie: ” how could these people
    breed?”

    By touch alone, Old F. By touch alone.

  26. Écureuil Écumant
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:28 am [Reply]

    GA: Talking of butter and bestial buggery in the same strip. My lands, even Brando would’ve shied away from that scenario.

  27. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    GT: The Peacock of Incrimenatlly Greater Scoring (PIGS – ironically) needed a companion like the Platypus of Defense.

  28. Raghead the Fiendly Neighbourhood Terrorist
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:29 am [Reply]

    …Marlon didn’t love the smell of buttered hay in the morning?

  29. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:35 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#13): FW: We’ll need the help of a mopey, surly cartoonist!

    Almost two-thirds of cartoonists are mopey and surly. One third is Larry, and a marginal percentage are Shempy.

  30. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#23): 9CL: If the men go to pieces just looking at the clothed women in 9CL, wouldn’t they have cardiac arrest at actually seeing them naked? If so, how could these people breed?

    This is a very fair question, especially as it relates to the central characters. Amos is always shown as losing consciousness whenever triggers such seeing as the back of Edda’s neck, hearing Edda whispering into his ear, or watching the shoulder strap of her dress slip off take place. Then, he wakes up hours later in an awkward location. Does Edda just mount him while he lies unconscious? How is that possible without Viagra and a trip to the doctor four hours later? Or does Edda think that watching your partner pass out while both of you are still fully clothed counts as sex? That would explain why she is constantly horny. Her idea of “it” really isn’t what “it” is. You wonder how she would react if a heterosexual male approached her and was able to stay conscious the whole time.

  31. Pozzo
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    MW: “Now get out of my room while I finish my isometric exercises. Charles Atlas that he can make me a man in 7 days, and I’m on Day Five. So far, so good!”

  32. Peanut Gallery
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:43 am [Reply]

    Blondie – This is well timed, for Pi Day. Speaking of medieval pastry…

  33. TheDiva
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:46 am [Reply]

    GA: It may be a little late to worry about this, but where did they find a wedding veil that fit a donkey? Do I even want to know the answer?

    MW: Well, they say “write what you know,” but when you don’t know enough to brush your unflattering pageboy cut effectively, you have to improvise.

  34. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW:
    Elinor Kinley: You know NOTHING of romance, you fool! Romance is passion! It is having your bodice ripped off on balconies overlooking an incoming storm! It is grabbing your mate with the crushing force of a vice! Romance is energy! Romance is anger! Romance is violent outbursts at the breakfast table! Romance is great makeup sex amidst the ruins of a kitchen turned inside out while you were having an argument about national politics! It is poisoning your husband because he can’t ever learn to put the goddamn toilet seat down!

    Beth Kinley: And I thought it is two naked kids with googley eyes exchanging cutesy looks at each other. All those Love Is… comics CAN’T be wrong!

    Elinor Kinley: You have SO much to learn, child.

  35. sally
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    MW: I don’t know where this story is going but I sure hope it involves Mary’s soup!

  36. Dood
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Pat the pig, marry the donkey.

  37. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    @Pozzo (#31): In the abscence of weights, I employ isometrics!

  38. Leonard
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    JP – I hope this actually builds to something interesting…

  39. Inkwell
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:53 am [Reply]

    Wait, Luann is showing that its resident controlling abuser has reformed by… having him get married?

    No, Luann. You have extracted enough rage-filled vomit for today.

  40. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Why is Beth Kinley so concerned about her mother saying that romance novels are stupid in front of Mary? It’s not like Mary makes her living off of romance novels (like Beth). I like action movies, but if someone said “I hate action movies. They’re a stupid waste of time!” I wouldn’t get insulted personally. In fact, Mrs. Mogen says it a lot, and I keep watching. My best response is “I keep waiting for one that isn’t. I’ll find it eventually.”

  41. Shran
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:55 am [Reply]

    MW: Apparently Beth’s father never gave Elinor any pleasure when he put his thingie in her hoo-hah and now she’s decided to take it out on Beth.

  42. pugfuggly
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:57 am [Reply]

    @Col. Havoc (#19):

    Like a friend used to say ‘why be clever when you can make a pretty convincing farting noise with your armpit?’

    @Hogenmogen (#29):

    Does this mean we get to see our cartoonist friend get poked in the eyes and slapped around a bit? Batiuk: if you’re reading this, I’d like to formally request that you dedicate all next week to Mopey Pete getting smacked about by his comicbook heroes.

  43. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:58 am [Reply]

    Love is…: A tasty mash!.

  44. Greg
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    GA: If Becky doesn’t make the cover of DONKEY BRIDE TODAY, then I’ll eat my straw hat.

  45. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:59 am [Reply]

    9CL: fliptake for upskirts. stay classy, Brooke.

    Frazz: literal truth, missed the concept, nice panel.

    Doons: shades of Hunk-Ra.

    Lio: *golf clap* (shame on your childhood if you don’t know about Harold and his Purple Crayon!)

    Zits: trust me, Sarah, Jeremy wants to tap you.

    DT: big bosumed girls make the Renny World go round!

    RwO: *golf clap*

    6Cx: *snurk*

  46. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    Pluggers: You’re a plugger if you still use a film camera.

    Shoe: You’re a plugger if you don’t text.

    ha.

  47. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:01 am [Reply]

    MW: No fair, Mrs. K! Mary knows nothing about true romance in real life (just ask Dr. Jeff), but that doesn’t stop her from believing TWUE LUV is the sworn duty of every person NOW!, and forcing everyone she meets to get ON with it, already!, meddle-style.

    GA: I support gay marriage, but this sequence casts serious doubts on GA marriage!

  48. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:02 am [Reply]

    MW – I’m holdin’ my breath, cuz I think there may be a hair brush spankin’ in the offing….

    GA – Hardly any beastiality gags in the funny pages anymore – that’s what makes GA a classic….

    Adios Amigos, DJ.

  49. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:03 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#46): Do Pluggers wear underware? Just Depends(TM)….

  50. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:04 am [Reply]

    Lio: I don’t get it. Didn’t Harold also once draw a dragon with the purple crayon? That would be a Lio thing.

    Is this some anniversary of that book or something?

  51. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:08 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#33): re: GA: They can get them mail order from Hootin’ Holler, of course.

  52. btown
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:11 am [Reply]

    MW: Elinor is right: Beth is actually the ghost writer for Luann

  53. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    MW:

    Elinor: “You can’t write romance novels when you know nothing about romance in real life!”

    Beth: “But mother, I’m not writing traditional romance novels. I’m writing McEldowneyan romance novels!”

    Elinore: “Oh….. well, carry on, then, Beth.” (pause) “Still doesn’t make me respect the genre, though.”

  54. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:15 am [Reply]

    This concludes our test of the Emergency Dog Wants a Walkies System. We know return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

    Love Is. . . .Robert Irvine

  55. bats :[
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    I suppose we should be happy that Rex finally got over the memory of “doing that thing, you know–that really icky thing,” with June…

  56. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    wait, WHAT?!?

    Robert Irvine is married to Gail Kim?!?!?

    oly shnarkies, that must be a fun workout in the gym!

  57. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:16 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#53): HEY! Get OUTTA there, extra ‘e‘!!!

  58. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:17 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#47): GA: I support gay marriage, but this sequence casts serious doubts on GA marriage!

    Fulgent!

  59. bats :[
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:19 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#43): also acceptable mashups: Thing from the Addams Family, those annoying little bastards from The Cat in the Hat stories…

  60. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:20 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#50): No anniversary that I know of (the original book came out in 1955). Apparently, Tatulli just likes Harold and the Purple Crayon:

    http://leadershipspirit.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/lio120930.jpg

  61. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:21 am [Reply]

    MW 1: I wonder if the interior of Condo 3E looks like a 1950s flophouse intentionally or if Charterstone cut its maintenance budget.

    MW 2: Is there any particular reason Beth is brushing her hair in her mother’s bedroom, or is there only one bedroom in Condo 3E?

  62. Ryan
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:22 am [Reply]

    MW: “This freakish third arm growing from my neck can please the fellas in ways you can only dream about! Put THAT in one of your stupid little stories!”

  63. TheDiva
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    9CL: There’s something disturbing about the way McEldowney’s male protagonists consistently losing control of themselves when confronted by their sultry mistresses, as if he subscribed to the medieval belief that lust was a disease and women were the carriers who posed constant danger to poor, innocent men with their wicked wiles.

    A3G: That’s exactly the problem, Greg.

    C’shaft: That tree doesn’t need to be cut down, it needs to be studied for scientific purposes. Botanists will want to know how the damn thing has survived this long without any roots.

    FW: I’d give a pass for twenty-something Pete hallucinating about Flash Gordon–knowing about the history and heritage of your chosen art form is always a plus–if I weren’t so certain Batiuk only included him because he couldn’t be bothered to research any comics characters less than a half-century old.

    Luann: Help me out here: am I supposed to be angry because Toni is regretting not sticking with her abusive boyfriend in hopes that he’d improve, or because she resents Dirk for daring to turn his life around and find happiness?

    MT: “Why else would he object to anyone seeing the inside of his van?” Well, having a child tied up in back seems a pretty pressing concern right now….

    Pibgorn: Oh don’t worry, if there’s one thing this arc has covered remarkably well, it’s indignity.

    SM: “If it’s a gas, why are you waving a beaker of liquid in my face?”
    “We’ve also discovered Coke’s secret formula.

  64. Austria
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:23 am [Reply]

    Luann: I’m under contractual obligation to point out Dirk’s “yaoi hands.” Oh, he’s changed, all right, and he’s about to crush some skulls without even trying.

    MW: Oh my gosh this comic just gets better and better. Angry Mom is SO ANGRY that her daughter hasn’t found love. She wants grandkids to boss around and put harsh expectations on, darn it!

  65. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:24 am [Reply]

    The Amazing Spider-Man: I’m having trouble figuring out what Dr. Lauren wouldn’t just use the gas on Kingpin and take over his vast criminal empire. I’m guessing she wants to devote her time to finding a cure for cancer?

    Apt. 3-G: “You’re wearing my ring. That’s my promise to you.” You’re as good as dead, Greg. She won’t even remember your name until she throws it into a drunken stupor forty years from now. “Gary…” she’ll moan in the night. “Gary, why did you ever move to London?”

    Beetle Bailey: You know who else had a way with animals? St. Francis. Coincidence? I think not.

    9 Chickweed Lane & Pibgorn: Well, there’s a combined minute of my life that I could have devoted to looking for Ray Price records online…

    Mark Trail: Today on Exposition Comics, a giant blue jay makes fun of the pinheads who need this storyline explained to them.

    Rex Morgan, M.D.: More like “eight months to prepare for the bris,” amirite, fellas?

  66. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:25 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#59): Right you are! That, of course, was one of Count Weirdly’s pets.

  67. Ed Dravecky
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    Thank you, Dick Tracy! It’s about time that somebody makes Jumble Jeff Knurek answer for his many crimes against humanity puns.

  68. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:26 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#48):

    I’m holdin’ my breath, cuz I think there may be a hair brush spankin’ in the offing….

    If my theory is right — that the mother/daughter thing is just a cover and Elinor and Beth are actually refuges from a 1950s lesbian pulp novel with Elinor being the abusive butch and Beth the submissive naif — you won’t have long to wait.

  69. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:31 am [Reply]

    MW: Ah, Elinor Kinley has been disappointed in love, a twist I’m sure none of us saw coming. And that has something to do with why she makes her daughter comb her hair with a scrub brush.

    FW: “The Amazing Mister Sponge.” That’s part of the Contraceptive Comics line, isn’t it?

    C-Shaft: “… and we were too traumatized by his plumber’s crack to ask.”

    9CL: It would be nice to say that Sven is smarter than he looks, but if he can’t think of a better way to hide his erections he really isn’t.

    JP: Some French guy with a yard of shoe leather in his hands just felt salt rubbed into his invisible wound.

    RMMD: When you hear that someone is a cancer patient it’s good form to say something like, “Oh no” or “I hope she’s all right.” Of course Heather seems to be revealing herself as Lord Voldemort, so I guess those sorts of pleasantries aren’t on her mind.

    Garfield: Shenanigans! I’ve never seen a swan that wouldn’t kick Garfield’s ass into next Wednesday.

    BB: Aptly enough, the day after a new Pope is elected with the name “Francis”, Zero becomes known as a modern day Francis of Assisi. Which doesn’t quite explain the bizarre squirrel/raccoon/schnauzer hybrid running toward him.

    DT: I’m always a bit tickled when action strips use improbably large props like that knight statue in the first panel. It was a hallmark of Bill Finger’s 40s Batman scripts.

    FC: He can totally miss the point of the secret and garble the words beyond recognition. In some cases that’s just about as good.

    DtM: Dennis and all his cultists are about to commit ritual suicide. Oh, one or two may try to back out of drinking what’s in those Dixie cups, but there’s really no out at this point.

    S-M: Take note of the bubbles. Blondie here filled the test tube with Sprite. By the time Kingpin catches on she’ll be living in Rio under an assumed name.

  70. Daring Do
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    RMMD – Oh dear God, what is that? A demon? It must be Legion, for it states 8 months gives ‘us’ time to ‘properly name’ their future host. Oh no! Its got a weapon! Get out of there, June!

  71. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:32 am [Reply]

    A3G: Yeah yeah, Margo is fake crying and Greg is too dense to tell the difference. What’s really striking, though, is that lady in the background. She’s got blue hair like all the extras, but her skin is pink. She must be alt-New York’s first punk rocker.

  72. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:33 am [Reply]

    @bats :[ (#55): I’d like to point out that “Regina” (Latin for queen) is the feminine form of “Rex” (Latin for king).

    But as a longtime Mary Worth fan, I insist we call her “Queenie”!

  73. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:35 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#65): re MT: Toronto picked a strange forum to plug its baseball team.

  74. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:37 am [Reply]

  75. Chip
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    MW: Well- she IS a grown woman who lives withe her mother!

  76. Alice
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:38 am [Reply]

    Luann: I admit to being slightly amused at Luann picturing Dirk as a mad, overdeveloped Titan. But yeah, the unfortunate implications, of Toni wishing she were still with him, cancel out the humour.

  77. Chip
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:42 am [Reply]

    RMMD: Of COURSE you have to name the boy Rex Morgan, Jr., so that when he grows up, graduates medical school and becomes a doctor, he can take over the practice and the strip can STILL be called “Rex Morgan, MD.”

    You know, in 150 years or so…

    Randy Parker didn’t have to be named after his dad, he just needed to get elected JUDGE.

  78. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:44 am [Reply]

    MW-”You know nothing of romance. You would know stuff if I didn’t chase away all those gentlemen callers and kept you sheltered and unnaturally close to me all these years.”

  79. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:45 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#73): Even Toronto baseball is more exciting than Mark Trail.

  80. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:47 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#57): Or add an “s” and suddenly the Kinley’s dilemma has echoes of “Hamlet.”

  81. Droopy Says
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:49 am [Reply]

    @Inkwell (#39): What, Dirk is reformed? Of course not. That would imply character development in Luann. Greg Evans skipped that lesson in his “Cartooning by Mail” course. But that’s fine. I may look at Luann again if it turns out that Dirk snaps and mangles Piggyface. Or TJ. I could go for that.

  82. Peanut Gallery
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Peanut Gallery (#32): Here’s something cosmically significant to ponder for Pi Day.

  83. NoahSnark
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    Donkeys + Butter = Gasoline Alley trying to build itself an internet fan base.

  84. AhClem
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#23):

    Cranky: 3 things wrong with this picture- a 55 Chevy Bel Air is not built to tow/raise a tree this size, the chain is not at the proper fulcrum point to raise the tree, the root ball is too small to support the tree if raised.

    Don’t forget that this takes place in Westview, Ohio, where even the laws of physics die from terminal cancer.

  85. Illustrator Steve
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:53 am [Reply]

    MT – “Mark, do you think the big bass that Rod Basy has been catching are coming from a holding tank under a seat in his van!?”

    “Well…if big bass are coming out of the holding tank and swimming into the lake and Rod eventually catches them I suppose it’s technically not illegal.”

    “But the SCUBA gear, Mark. Don’t you think that looks sort of suspicious?”

    “Buegill, ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCUSE ROD BASSY OF CHEATING IN A FISH TORUNAMENT!?”

  86. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:54 am [Reply]

    9CL-”I tripped on my erection when you took off your coat.”

    Doonesbury-”There is no Alex only Zule.”

  87. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#7): I think’s just dropped to the deck to see up the brunette’s dress. Odds are she’s going commando.

  88. Euthyphronics
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:57 am [Reply]

    Elinor’s true tragedy is that the only man she ever loved, a man by the name of Aldo, was stolen away by that tease Mary Worth, only to be shunned, mocked, and driven to despair and death. But Elinor will have her revenge, y’hear? Her REVENGE!

  89. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:59 am [Reply]

    MW 3: I like really how Elinor is putting on her lavender smock with the grim intensity of a costumed vigilante suiting up for a final showdown. That her entire outfit is lavender reinforces this impression. Bruce Wayne’s motif was inspired by a bat crashing through a window, Peter Parker by the spider that gave him powers, and Elinor Kinley by the Jenny Joseph poem “Warning.”

  90. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:00 am [Reply]

    @Chip (#75): There’s nothing unusual about a grown women living with her elderly mother if Elinor’s daughter is her primary caregiver. I have a feeling Beth’s backstory is that she gave up an outside job/life out of a sense of duty to Elinor.

  91. Illustrator Steve
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    MT – “Bluegill, these photos are incriminating evidence! We MUST report this to the judges of the bss fishing tournament IMMEDIATELY!”

    “But, Mark….WHAT about finding Rusty!?”

    “Oh yeah, Rusty….but FIRST THINGS FIRST, Bluegill. Rusty’s an old hand at being kidnapped. All he has to do is think about arrowheads and he can survive whatever horrible tourture they are probably putting him through. Besides, by reporting this to the tournament judges this morning before breakfast they will most likely provide me with a big batch of fresh PANCAKES as a reward!”

    “What bout MY breakfast,Mark?”

    “It’s just a short walk to the McDonalds we passed about a half mile down the road, Buegill.”

  92. Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:04 am [Reply]

    Rex Morgan, Massive Douchenozzle: Heather’s transformation into a fish woman in the final panel is either oddly non-sequitur, or Wilson and/or Nolan are big fans of Barnes & Barnes. (Bonus points to those who get that obscure reference)

  93. LUJBEM FEJF
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:06 am [Reply]

    @Ed Dravecky (#67): Yes, this is a cruel pun-ishment. Now do me a solid and CLICK on my banner and buy my CD people!!

  94. Nuncle Shrug
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:07 am [Reply]

    @pugfuggly (#5):

    “GA So I guess I can add ‘buttering the hay’ to my list of bestiality euphemisms.”

    Gives a whole new meaning to the Fool’s lines in KING LEAR:

    Cry to it, nuncle, as the cockney did to the eels
    when she put ‘em i’ the paste alive; she knapped ‘em
    o’ the coxcombs with a stick, and cried ‘Down,
    wantons, down!’ ‘Twas her brother that, in pure
    kindness to his horse, buttered his hay.

  95. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:10 am [Reply]

    The latest product placement in Jim Scancarelli’s Gasoline Alley is
    I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Straw!®

  96. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:11 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#63): re:9CL: Except that Brooke thinks that “disease” is a GOOD thing. Okay, still disturbing, but differently.

  97. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:12 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#20): It was that last line that really cracked me up.

  98. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    @TheDiva (#63): There’s something disturbing about the way McEldowney’s male protagonists consistently lose control of themselves when confronted by their sultry mistresses

    It does provide a built-in excuse for infidelity. “I literally had no control of myself! I saw her elbow and passed out. By the time I awoke, I’d already fucked her 14 times in a fugue state. And seven times in her vagina!”

  99. Anonymous
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:13 am [Reply]

    “You’ve never let some dude put his thingie in your hoo-hah! ” – That’s what happens? Eeeeeeeeew!

  100. Shrug, Just Joking Around
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    @Chareth Cutestory (#10):

    “Mary Worth: “You may have written your first book on the subject, but you know nothing about it in real life! In real life, its all about negging, peacocking, and the Mystery Method!!” ”

    There’s also the Sleeve Job. I think one could even substitute that for the Pink Ping-Pong Ball, in between the Extra Blue Brick and the Duck on the Plane.

    ////Well, one could, but it would be wrong. Traditions are traditions.

  101. Crankshafts funky smelling corpse
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:14 am [Reply]

    FW: Weak tea.

    ASM: This just proves scientists will do anything if there is grant money involved. A gas that ‘bends people to your will’? Who thinks this shit up? I’m no chemist, but just think about the production of this stuff. How’d they test it?

    Luann: Toni is going to pine for Dirk? Bitch.

    9CL: Yes, I am sure Sven is trying to catch a view of the cooch.

    MW: I’m pretty sure that the people reading romance novels don’t know anything about romance in “real life”. That’s why they’re reading romance novels.

    A3G: Where are the tears? I want to see the tears.

    Crankshaft: This is ridiculous.

    Bigporn: Whatever. One fantasy creature telling off another fantasy creature? About their fantasy past? Let’s get back to the choking.

  102. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:17 am [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#69):

    Contraceptive Comics
    That’s with two C’s
    So you know better
    Than to spread
    Venereal disease

  103. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:19 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#102):

    ….or unwanted pregnancies!

  104. bats :[
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:21 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#72): yeah, like Rex would know that. :p

  105. The Ridger
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:30 am [Reply]

    H&J: It’s funny because no one from Jamaal’s generation ever strayed off the straight and narrow.

  106. Dan
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:31 am [Reply]

    “Why are you wasting your career on genre fiction? It makes me sick watching my daughter wait around for a movie deal that will never come. Move into self-help books, or partisan political advocacy! Clean up on speaking fees! That’s where the real money is, idiot!”

  107. Bitter Scribe
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:32 am [Reply]

    Is this marry-the-donkey thing in Gasoline Alley some sort of weird riff on “if gays can get married how come I can’t marry my dog?” If so, yes, it would be offensive, but it would also show a degree of political awareness unusual for that strip.

    I remember, in the ’70s, GA’s stab at reflecting the anguished controversy of the Vietnam War: Chip or Clipper or whatever the draft-age character at the time was called joined the Navy instead of the Army. IIRC, they made a huge deal out of that.

  108. Here, Shrug, Good Boy!
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:33 am [Reply]

    RMMM: I’m fine with naming the kid “Rex,” but only if it is in honor of The Wonder Dog and not The Wan Doctor.

    ///Or after the dinosaur. That would be good too.

  109. Dale
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:41 am [Reply]

    MARK TRAIL

    We’ll never get an answer to: Even if Mark is an outdoors writer, why is he allowed to be an observer in Bassy’s boat when his friend Bluegill is a competitor?

    We might get an answer to: Does Catfish hook the bass onto Bassy’s lure or just release them in the vicinity? Are the fish drugged?

  110. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:44 am [Reply]

    @Here, Shrug, Good Boy! (#108): C’mon! You know damn well Rex’s father named him after a Buck Rogers/Flash Gordon knockoff from Victor Fox:

    http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1NkmgF0Yi5M/TiCi3OsKo3I/AAAAAAAATLs/MRuZzBJ2Ah0/s1600/Flame%2B01%2B53.jpg

  111. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:45 am [Reply]

    Archie: So Jughead does occasionally remove his modified inverted fedora!

    Barney Google: I don’t understand. Snuffy’s sole source of income, since he gave up moonshining more than a decade ago, is chicken theft and cheating at cards. He’s annoyed by Loweezy having chickens?

    Blondie: I suppose it is just as well that J.C. wasn’t showing bar charts.

    Broom-Hilda: I always wondered what happened to Baka Gaijin, so many years ago. If only he could have afforded to pay that therapist…

    DtM: Regrets? I’ve had a few…

    MG&G: I think Mr. Peters is unclear on the concept. If you have a green card, you are NOT an illegal immigrant.

  112. Mibbitmaker
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:47 am [Reply]

    9CL: It’s finally obvious — there really is one man and one woman in this strip (Burber, and Amos), they just play dress-up alot. Seeing more than one of each at a time? Camera tricks!
    —- Actually, there’s two men. Essentially, there’s really only Burber, Amos…. and Thorax. The overgrown know-it-all jerk. That’s why Seth lost his cool character mojo: he morphed into Thorax!

    Crank: Cranky is going to drag the dead tree over into the road so that it’ll block all traffic, causing major inconvenience. Some things never change! And that’s why modern-day Cranky wants to save his tree: bringing down power lines, and thus making everyone’s lives difficult, is Cranky’s destiny.

    Curtis: Forced irony.

    Glibporn:
    a) “Indignities” defines Pibgorn itself, its very identity.
    b) That hair strand is forming a nipple on her breast! ….or the number 6, I’m not sure which…

    Popeye: “Swee’Pea, dja t’inks spinachk comes fer free?! It ain’t cheap, ya knows!”

    Zits: Just add rims, and you have something that can also be the name of a groovy ’60s band: The Psychedelic Sunglasses.

  113. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:49 am [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#110): “Trapped on a strange planet, Rex, single-handed, thwarts a diabolical plot against the Universe!”

    Yeah, right. Story of my life.

    // How do you plot against the universe, anyway?

  114. Cosmic Shrug
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    @Nehemiah Scudder (#113):

    “How do you plot against the universe, anyway?”

    Most comic strips are more likely to plod against it.

    ////However, let’s not forget that Flash Gordon once conquered it! (Well, it was really only Ming that he conquered, once again, but he had a good P.R. man.)

  115. The Ridger
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:53 am [Reply]

    (U) So, the only way Curtis is funny is if he doesn’t know that Sleepy Hollow is about a guy pretending to be a headless horseman (he probably saw the Tim Burton version) AND that Barry knows better, and that that’s what Curtis thinks. Either way, I refuse to believe Curtis wouldn’t go for the short story over the massive King novel just on general principles.

  116. Basil Fawlty
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:55 am [Reply]

    MW – My wife likes Harold Robbins.

  117. Dennis Jimenez
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:01 am [Reply]

    @Basil Fawlty (#116): My wife likes Tony Robbins – I think it’s the teeth….

  118. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:02 am [Reply]

    @Basil Fawlty (#116): Does Mrs. Robbins know?

  119. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    MW: People don’t read romance novels as a “how-to” manual. Most romance novels have as much to do with real love as Beetle Bailey has to do with the armed forces. Oh, and Charlie’s Angels was a less-than-factual depiction of law enforcement.

  120. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:07 am [Reply]

    Expect to see Mark Trail in Russia this week.

  121. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:15 am [Reply]

    MT: Rod Bassy is cheating at this tournament!

    Official: His partner is taking bass that he keeps in a tank in the back of his van, scuba diving down with them, finds Rod’s boat, unpacks the bass, gets them to swallow the lure, and heads back to the van for more, all the while remaining unseen to the hundreds of spectators, sponsors, officials and reporters at five separate events. And you’ve been out on Bassy’s boat for the past two straight days and didn’t see anything, either. Is that your position, based on one picture of an oxygen tank?

    Mark: Yes, I guess so. Does it MAKE a good story?

    Official: It might, if you include where Bassy was getting the fish from in the first place.

  122. pugfuggly
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:16 am [Reply]

    @Nuncle Shrug (#94):

    I like that he only buttered the hay ‘in pure kindness to his horse.’ Buddy, there’s nothing pure about it and I’m sure the horse didn’t regard it as any kind of favour.

    Meanwhile sister is messing around with eels in paste and knapping coxcombs left and right. God Shakespeare, you are disgusting.

  123. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#121):
    Official: And a love interest. The female demographic wants to see the romance angle. Add some mobsters for the guys. Oh, and vampires are hot.

  124. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:17 am [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#23):

    MT: Meanwhile, behind the cabin, a giant mutant bluejay is about to eat a mourning dove…

    This, of course, is the real plot of Mark Trail, i.e., Doc’s unholy genetic experiments. Ever since he tried to clone a Mike and ended up with a Rusty, he’s been sticking to giganticizing animals, but soon, soon…

    @Hogenmogen (#119): Next thing you’ll tell me is that The Phantom isn’t an accurate portrayal of life in the Afrindionesian junglepelago!

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#121): In Russia, pan cakes you!

    I don’t know what that means.

  125. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#120): Nikita Khrushchev: Are you accusing me of cheating. I vil bury you!

  126. odinthor
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:18 am [Reply]

    #72. RS.

    I’d like to point out that “Regina” (Latin for queen) is the feminine form of “Rex” (Latin for king).

    Hmmm. Does that make “vagina” the feminine form of “vex”?

    Well, it’s certainly the feminine form of something.

  127. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:24 am [Reply]

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#124):

    @Herr Kommissar Denny (#121): In Russia, pan cakes you!

    Was supposed to be @Sequitur (#120).

  128. Government Cheese
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:30 am [Reply]

    MW: Wow. These two seem to have had some sort of uber-sheltered existence. Momma Kinley is getting all worked up over the “romantic genre”? Have residents of Downton Abbey moved into Charterstone? I doubt they have ever handled money in their hands. “I never touch the stuff”.

    Luann: Hmmm you know, both thought bubbles seem to be quite accurate. Dirk is repressing his inner rage by doing lots and lots of yoga. However, in yesterday’s strip, he looked like he was busting a nut telling Toni HOW-HAPPY-HE-IS. I could hear the pop from my laptop.

    I’m curious to see what Toni wants out of it; it’s not all together clear that she’s either going to want a kid, or she’s going to want to dump B-Wad. If I dated a girl who wanted to breakup because she ran into her ex-boyfriend at the supermarket, I’d say good riddance.

  129. MySpoonIsTooBig
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:39 am [Reply]

    @Mibbitmaker (#112):

    I do have dim, primordial memories of Seth being an actual good character. Long, long ago. And he had an outside life and everything! I knew I wasn’t the only one who remembered!

    Not that he would ever deign to imply gay characters having an ounce of sexuality (what with no women in tight dresses around), of course. Sigh.

  130. But What Do I Know?
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:43 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#120): The southern part of Russia, of course!

  131. Marc
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:44 am [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#79): If all of the offseason moves work out like they hope, Toronto baseball might not actually be so bad this year.

  132. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    @Dennis Jimenez (#117): @Basil Fawlty (#116): My wife likes Tony Robbins — I think it’s the teeth…

    My wife likes Baskin-Robbins. But I’m a Carvel man myself…

  133. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:49 am [Reply]

    @Marc (#131): That’s what they say every year (says the Milwaukee Brewers fan).

  134. Jerry Fox, from Cleveland
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:50 am [Reply]

    Spiderman: Given the Kingpin’s girth, I have a sneaking suspicion that he already emits, on a regular basis, a gas that bends people to his will.

  135. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:52 am [Reply]

    @odinthor (#126): Fun fact: “vagina” means literally scabbard or sheath. Just like you put your sword in a container,* you put your thingie in a hoo-haw.

    *On the left, for easy access with your right hand. I have no idea what the implications of this are for driving, or hoo-haws, for that matter.

  136. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:53 am [Reply]

    @Jerry Fox, from Cleveland (#134): Okay, if the COTW measure is “makes me snort out loud,” that one is a contender.

  137. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:58 am [Reply]

  138. MySpoonIsTooBig
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:02 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#135):

    The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

  139. Little Guy
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:08 pm [Reply]

    I just find it amusing that, as much as McEcch want to make his Burberesque women oh so sexy in their “three-ounces-or-less” dresses, they can’t hold a flame to Neddy and her braless, off-the-shoulder look.

    Luann: I knew I quit this strip, but I had to go back to see what the commotion was with Dirk.

    Then I realized that Evans, with his screwed-up ethos, will somehow make a person at peace, devoid of previous angry issues, and in a happy, normal relationship with a child as the epitome of all evil.

    I promptly went back to quitting this strip.

  140. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:09 pm [Reply]

    Beetle Bailey-Zero has a way with animals and how.

    Marmaduke-Run! Marmaduke has harnessed the power of electricity.

  141. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:11 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#128): Toni & Dirk –

    Yeah, B-wad was doing every damn thing he could think of to get in her pants for 4 years, then he finally wore her defenses down, she ran out of excuses and he drove away any other man that she had contact with. So, she decided to date him, have him babysit her bratty niece and all that. Then after one brief, unexpected encounter with her ex (and his girlfriend? wife? mother of his child, anyway), she throws all that out and goes back to the he-man that mistreated her. Sure, he’s reformed now, but only because he’s dating his anger management/yoga instructor.

    So don’t go back to Dirk. If you’re going to ditch Bwad, do it in style. Fuck TJ. Fuck Mr. DeGroot. Fuck the entire offensive line of the San Diego Chargers, the defensive line, special teams (including the third stringers) and the waterboy. Go big or go home, babe.

  142. Government Cheese
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:15 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#141): As I was reading this, I had a gospel choir in my head singing “Praise be”.

    Fucking Mr. DeGroot would be an interesting development, indeed. However, in true DeGroot style, conjugal relations would be conducted fully clothed.

  143. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    MT-Rod doesn’t want anyone to see the inside of his van because of all the sexual paraphernalia inside. Bass fishermen get all kinds of groupies.

    Slylock Fox-In the first panel he squeezed his tube to early.

    Slylock Fox 2-She doesn’t like it when he squeezes his toothpaste on her face.

    Spiderman-But the Kingpin likes caving in the heads of his henchmen with his cane.

  144. Francis Hobbs
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:22 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#137): @odinthor (#126): What’s the feminine form of “Vexing Devil”?

    Edda Burber.

  145. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#120): I was thinking of asking Baka Gaijin to run over and check that out for us but being a Russian Mardi Gras there would probably be clowns present. NSFBG!

  146. Buck Ripsnort
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:24 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#138): So they named the state Virginia instead.

    On another note, aren’t mules actually poisoned by butter? Like dogs and chocolate?

  147. Hogenmogen
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    Kingpin: This is great! I can control anyone I want! I could rule the world with this! I can rig sporting events and make billions on Wall St! Or, I can make Spiderman cluck like a chicken or something lame. Hmmm. Which will it be?

  148. bbofun
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Pibgorn- So, mermaid has been fighting young, short-haired Dru this entire week, until the first panel of today’s strip. Then, by the last panel, Dru has morphed back. Now, I could understand current-Dru becoming her younger self as artistic license bringing us into the flashback- but then why was the mermaid attacking young-Dru before?

    The answer of course, is Brooke is a hack.

  149. Russian Curmudgeon
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:32 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#145): Nope, not a clown in sight. (NOT setting a Baka Gaijin trap here. Trust me.)

  150. fadograf
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:34 pm [Reply]

    @Rip Houndstooth, Man Of Action (#92):

    Fish heads, fish heads roly-poly fishheads….

  151. odinthor
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#135):

    So when a Roman soldier would go up to another Roman soldier and say, “Mmm, Marcus, I really like your vagina!”, it was just another day of standard military operations?

  152. Master Softheart
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:36 pm [Reply]

    9CL: And therewith ends any chance that there would be a story arc in this strip not compulsively focused on a the effects of female sexuality upon men as imagined by the kid who sits in the back of a seventh grade classroom drawing dirty pictures. There wasn’t much to hope for in the introduction of the storyline, really. A few jokes about cows and some heavy handed, von oben herab contempt for the intellect, animal ethics, and cultural failings of the degenerate small farmers of rural Vermont. And, of course, as is always the case when the artist ventures away from his core competency – the psychological dysfunctions of the neurotic and fatally self-absorbed – his portrayal of animal husbandry (please, no jokes about the present storyline in Gasoline Alley), veterinary medicine, and the law were uninformed and kind of stupid.

    But really, none of that matters, because it looked as though the poor man was going to stretch his narrative wings and at least try to write something aside from sex that didn’t involve hallucinations of unicorns reassuring the main characters of their superiority to all others (set aside the symbolism of unicorn mythology and bear with me). This, he seemed to promise with the self-righteous whining of the ethical large animal vet, was going to be a plot in which the characters did something aside from speak in double entendres for two panels then fade into an erotic haze in the third. Sure it would be a simplistic forum for those characters to prove their moral and intellectual superiority to various straw-men wielding baseball bats – you might as well look for Sam Driver to volunteer at a homeless shelter as expect otherwise – but it would be novel and interesting.

    But here we are, two weeks into what for all the world looked to be the story of animal abuse and wacky cow-napping hijinks. But the cow, the Walmart-shopping Morlocks of rural Vermont, the ethical concerns, and everything else have gone by the wayside and we are left with exactly the same recycled tittering over how a woman dresses that occupies every other story in the Chickverse. In a grinding, asinine rerun of the storyline with the nun and the priest, the real plot is resolved quickly and in a way that lets the artist draw loving pictures of scantily dressed women. Edda, goddess of female sexuality (presumably on the basis of her Catholic school education, ballet training, or Boesendorfer mounting), offers a conservatively dressed woman the key to female empowerment and a fulfilling relationship: just show some leg and jut out your chest and men will become your thralls.

    Thanks, but I think I’ll go read Luann for some thoughtful reflection on mature relationships, a nuanced portrayal of human sexuality, and realistic characterization. On the bright side, though, reading the condescending strips involving Darryl and his other brother Darryl made me think of Machiavelli in exile, so I suppose it worked out in the end.

    JP: Okay, I think of myself as a true and well-informed fan of this strip, but I’m confused. Is Neddy now saying that the guy she dumped over french fries back when she visited home with the French shoe designer in tow – the one who divorced at Harvard because his wife was sleeping with a Professor – was her one true love? Is that the same plucky, Horatio Alger guy who worked at the country club back before she moved to Paris? Was he really so unfortunate as to never be re-styled by Baretto but to jump directly from LeDoux to Manley?

    And if it is, then what the heck happened to the timeline to allow him to finish a law degree in the, what, three weeks since the French shoe design story? Sure it will all be worthwhile if it marks a transition to the heart-pounding courtroom action that is the hallmark and narrative heart of Judge Parker – there is nothing more exciting than negotiating a Lloyds insurance settlement months after a Liberian flagged container ship damages an intermodal crane in Galveston – but I remain confused.

    Doonesbury: Queek@45 – good call on Hunk-Ra; I miss him.

    Phantom: I love it when Kit tries to really work the “Phantom Legend” angle to psych out bad guys. It’s like watching Mark Trail try to work a three card monte table – “The lioness didn’t eat me, because I’m The Ghost Who Walks! and, um, that involves power over jungle creatures! And she’s growling now because, uh, she’s contemplating vengeance upon you! Oh, screw it. Listen, you mining company mooks, don’t try to figure it out – just get close enough to the damn bars so I can knock you out and take the keys; I’ve got an appointment with The Python in April and need to wrap this up.”

  153. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:39 pm [Reply]

  154. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:41 pm [Reply]

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#138): Your handle makes me think of this book cover. (Great book, by the way, one of my favorites.)

  155. Government Cheese
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:42 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#151): This dialogue seems in line with the current “Spartacus” series.

  156. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @odinthor (#151): Yes, the Greeks were the pervs, not the Romans. Well, okay, the Romans were pervs, too, just not like that.

  157. Mikey
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:43 pm [Reply]

    @Dale (#109): Are the fish drugged? You said it man! Drugged out of the water by Rod Freakin’ Bassy! Hah! Nobody fucks with da Bassy!

  158. Cloudbuster
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#121): It might, if you include where Bassy was getting the fish from in the first place.

    Bass Pro. Duh!

  159. Shrug, Tossing a Query Out to the Whole Garoupa
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:46 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#143):

    “Bass fishermen get all kinds of groupies.”

    Do grouper fishermen get all kinds of bass?

  160. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:49 pm [Reply]

    @Mikey (#157): messing with da Bassey, when a FISH is on the line.

    it’s one of the major blunders.

  161. Mikey
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:50 pm [Reply]

    ASM: Great. So in about two weeks we have to endure Kingpin releasing his “Will Bending Gas” in the vicinity of Daredevil. Then, two more weeks of dickhead Spider Man wondering aloud (??!!) why Daredevil is trying to kill him.

  162. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Tossing a Query Out to the Whole Garoupa (#159): I’m not sure but I bet with that special seat in the van Catfish plays a lot of grab bass.

  163. Shrug, The Borgia of the Backwoods
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:51 pm [Reply]

    @Buck Ripsnort (#146):

    “On another note, aren’t mules actually poisoned by butter? Like dogs and chocolate?”

    Mules are poisoned by dogs and chocolate? Do you need to mix them together, or will either do by itself?

    ///Now I know what to do the next time my neighbor’s dog barks all night and my other neighbor’s mule hee-haws all night.

    //////Wait, my neighbor doesn’t have a mule. Still, good to be prepared. I’m taking notes.

  164. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    MW-Sorry, Beth, but cutting your wrists won’t get you out of dinner with Mary.

  165. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:53 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#152): Your 9CL evisceration for COTW, or I organize a protest.

  166. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 12:59 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#164): But cutting a fart might.

  167. "Fishing is Brutal" -- Shrug Camus
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando (#160):

    How come we’re not seeing any of the runners-up in the fishing contest explaining why everybody scorns them? “It’s because I only have one bass, isn’t it?”

  168. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:13 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#165): can we invite Femen to the protest, and not Westboro?

  169. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:16 pm [Reply]

  170. Acacia
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    Man, three days in a row? How the mighty have fallen.

  171. Shrug
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:17 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#152):

    Very well done, and I’m amazed that BMcE has finally sunk so low as to cause even Master Softheart to snark at him.

    “O, my fortunes have
    Corrupted honest men!”

    ////It’s not only Pi Day, it’s apparently Shakespeare Quotation day….

  172. Chip Whittle
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:22 pm [Reply]

    Skippy got an elephant and a horse-in-a-canoe for Christmas? Man, I knew the kid was good, but that good? Wow.

  173. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:27 pm [Reply]

    MW 4: Can we just speed this up and have Jill Black meet-cute Elinor and Beth so we can have our Spinsters of Condo 3E spinoff already?

  174. Dale
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    ZITS

    Do comic strip writers think “calculus” is just a synonym for “hard math”,
    like long division and fractions?

    If Sara and PusBoy are taking calculus, they almost have to be seniors. Are they?

    And, several years ago, in reader years, Jeremy made some comment about
    “last year’s calculus book”.

  175. Hibbleton
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:38 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, Tossing a Query Out to the Whole Garoupa (#159):
    Do grouper fishermen get all kinds of bass?

    Gas, grass, or bass, nobody rides for free!

  176. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    @Chip Whittle (#172): I initially read “Jenny the biplane” in your [*], and got a whole different image in my mind. [*]

  177. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:54 pm [Reply]

    @Hibbleton (#175): Gas, grass, or bass, nobody rides for free!

    Except for Rusty! How is he paying fo – NO! Scratch that thought! Don’t go there!

    @Master Softheart (#152):

    What he said.

    At one point, someone here went through a month of strips, and split them into categories. As I recall, over 60% had a punchline revolving around “male character is physically overwhelmed by the sexuality of a female character”.

  178. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:55 pm [Reply]

    Zits: Sarah wants Jeremy to tap her fine freckled ass if she starts drifting off. That’s one way for her to stay awake through this study session. Him, not so much.

  179. Ratiocinator
    March 14th, 2013 at 1:59 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#69):

    Garfield: Shenanigans! I’ve never seen a swan that wouldn’t kick Garfield’s ass into next Wednesday.

    He does have a history of getting his ass kicked by birds roughly his size. I can’t find the strip this quote is from, but:

    “I remember going to a farm once and wrestling a chicken…it was humiliating being pinned by a chicken.”

    @Crankshafts funky smelling corpse (#87):

    Well, she’d have to be. “Three ounces or less” remember? Panties would add at least an extra ounce!

    @Marc (#131): @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#133): Yeah, I mean my dad’s telling me that the Jays might actually be good this year (and to be fair, I remember Mark Buehrle and Jose Reyes being good from when I still followed baseball regularly, so those are two good additions), but I’ve heard it all before, and I’ve remember several seasons where the Blue Jays started out red hot only to fizzle out halfway through the season.

    Basically, they’ll need to clinch a playoff spot (which if they do will be their first in twenty years) before I buy them as real contenders.

    @MySpoonIsTooBig (#138):

    The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

    AAAAAHHHHSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!!!!

  180. Cheese-n-Pear
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:03 pm [Reply]

    MW: Ma Kinley may be a morose old lady who belittles her daughter, but in panel one she proves she can still do a mean Funky Chicken.

  181. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:11 pm [Reply]

    @Russian Curmudgeon (#149): In Russia, clown laugh at you.

  182. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:15 pm [Reply]

    @Cheese-n-Pear (#180): Or the Chicken Dance.

    Da da da da da da da
    Da da da da da da da
    Da da da da…
    Buc buc buc buc!

  183. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:16 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#179): …So basically the Blue Jays have to be better than the Pittsburgh Pirates?

  184. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:17 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#182): Ah, what makes Wisconsin great: binge drinking on brandy old-fashioneds and the Chicken Dance at weddings.

  185. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:25 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#184): And cheese. Lots and lots of constipating cheese.

  186. DaveyK
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:26 pm [Reply]

    So, with this “you can only truthfully write about that which you know” plot line, I think we can consider any and all bets on whether the people who bring you Mary Worth every day are themselves loveless/divorced shut-ins to be settled. Time to pay up.

  187. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:35 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#120): Expect to see Mark Trail in Russia this week.

    “Bearil”?

    http://joshreads.com/?p=716

    @Buck Ripsnort (#146): @MySpoonIsTooBig (#138): So they named the state Virginia instead.

    So Owen Wister’s novel The Virginian is really about one woman’s…

  188. Marc
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:40 pm [Reply]

    @Ratiocinator (#179): You couple the Jays offseason haul with the fact that the Red Sox probably won’t be great again and the Yankees club house essentially a nursing home with how old and injured they are; and it looks like Toronto has as good a shot as they’ve had in a long time. Especially now that it’s no longer Aaron Hill trying to get on base for Bautista.

  189. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:45 pm [Reply]

    MW-I predict that Mary will get Beth to quit writing romance novels where Elinor couldn’t.

  190. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: I’m looking at Elinor Kinley and Beth, but I’m seeing Sonya Hobbs and Marylou.

  191. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:48 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#154): Make sure you check out my link at #187 for the probable origin of MySpoonIsTooBig’s handle.

  192. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:53 pm [Reply]

    Have you done your part today to celebrate March 14? Specifically, how many waitresses have you asked about pie? Did any of them offer you rainbow swirl ice cream as a topping?

  193. Horace Broon
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:55 pm [Reply]

    A3G: “You couldn’t lose me if you tried! Oh, by the way, location filming starts soon. I’ll be in Tibet for a few weeks, but I’ll be back before you know it!”

    H&L: It’s funny because you’re not allowed to hit your kids any more!

    MW: Mrs Kinley’s “you know nothing about the subject in real life!” suggests she actually objects to the whole concept of fiction. She’s probably even more scathing about sf and fantasy.

    Marm: That is not static electricity. That is direct current, apparently originating from Marmaduke himself. Tremble before the mysterious powers of the hellhound, mortals!

    Pluggers: You’re a Plugger if you still think there’s someone, somewhere, who develops film.

  194. Shrug, Wearing His Librarian Hat
    March 14th, 2013 at 2:59 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#191):

    When I see hir nom, I always think of the non-existent book YOUR SPOON’S TOO BIG TO BOX WITH GOD.

  195. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    A3G-”You couldn’t lose me if you tried.” That sounds like a challenge. Greg, I would watch out for people trying to kill you.

    Pluggers-At least let me take my clothes off first before you take some pictures.

  196. Rocky Stoneaxe
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#189): I predict that Mary will get Beth to quit writing romance novels where Elinor couldn’t.

    As a matter of fact, Mary Worth is looking for a ghost writer to help her take “The Salmon Square Cookbook” and “The Best of Ask Wendy” beyond the rough draft stage.

  197. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:01 pm [Reply]

    Marmaduke-”Now you will witness the full power of the dark side.”

  198. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:07 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#191): Very interesting. I’m sad the link to Josh’s response to Alan Colmes on that page no longer works.

  199. Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:08 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#185): The great state of Wisconsin will not apologize for its cheese!

  200. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    @Old Folkie (#23): This explains the hand sex.

  201. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:13 pm [Reply]

    MW-”You shouldn’t have said romance novels were a waste of time in front of Mary now she’ll get it into her head to get me to quit and I’ve heard stories about her. Did you know that she killed a man because he wouldn’t quit stalking her?”

  202. Mr. O'Malley
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:17 pm [Reply]

    Pluggers use SLRs? I would have thought they’d go for the disposable cameras, or at least a point-and-shoot.

    At least they haven’t started using Holgas yet.

  203. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#199): Nor should it. I have some very fine Wisconsin cheese at home in my refrigerator. That cheese put the “sin” in Wisconsin.

  204. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:19 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#196): See, I’m thinking it will be the other way around. Beth will give up the romance novel writing racket, but her editor won’t let her go until she finds someone with no experience or qualifications to take over the contract. Enter: Mary. Soon, Mary will be churning out such bestsellers as Meddlemarch, 50 Shades of Salmon, and Bum Boat Diaries.

  205. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:21 pm [Reply]

    @bbofun (#148): As I understand it, the fight is probably taking place inside Dru’s mind and memories; whether she’s young or current has – up to this point – been a matter of who’s controlling her memories. Now she’s back in control, but reassumes her younger form in order to show the mermaid how she came to break the djinn’s heart.

    //It disturbs me that I understand this.

  206. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:22 pm [Reply]

    MW-”You’re like those people who write about crime and murder but don’t know anything about it because they haven’t done it. Ask me what it’s like to kill a man. The stories I could tell you.”

  207. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:23 pm [Reply]

    Gasoline Alley-Yeah. This story is just too creepy. I get the feeling that this guy is implying that he is having sex with his donkey.

  208. Shrug, of the Beefwit Shrugs
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:24 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#205):

    “It disturbs me that I understand this.”

    As well it might, especially since I’m not convinced BMcE himself does.

  209. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:25 pm [Reply]

    @Mr. O’Malley (#202): Sometimes I think Pluggers exist to provide a warning to hipsters of what happens if they carry their retro-nostalgia too far.

  210. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:27 pm [Reply]

    @Liam (#207): Following the line of reasoning in this plot, if the donkey doesn’t object then it’s okay.

  211. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:30 pm [Reply]

    @Shrug, of the Beefwit Shrugs (#208): It must be all the years of editing and grading papers; eventually you get to the point of understanding the message an author’s trying to convey, even if the writing is crap.

  212. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:31 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#210):

    Yes, everyone has been assuming that the donkey will just go along with whatever makes everyone happy. What if he doesn’t? What if he decides to be an ass?

  213. Jasper
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:38 pm [Reply]

    MT- Well that wraps up another Trail investigation. “Say ‘Gill, how bout we head back to Lost Forest for some pancakes?”

  214. Artist formerly known as Ben
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:39 pm [Reply]

    @Master Softheart (#152): “Walmart-shopping morlocks” is such an incredible phrase that I’m going to be looking for an opportunity to use it for some time.

  215. BRWombat
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:44 pm [Reply]

    It’s obvious that Beth will neither move in with Tom near to her mom Elinor, nor will she and Tom share Elinor’s apartment. Tom will kill Elinor, which will simultaneously win Beth’s enduring love and also provide her with the plotline for a best-selling romance novel. Beth will visit Tom daily in prison, and oh Lord I’m starting to think too much about this.

  216. demoncat
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:48 pm [Reply]

    mw you know nothing of true romance and thus elinor just revealed the reason she is so bitter and mary will be fixing that a failed romance and a new one for beth.

  217. Baka Gaijin
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:53 pm [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#145): You know, I’d be all behind this if “Lady Maslenitsa” was a clown instead of a woman. I’d burn that effigy in a minute. Butter-dipped blinis? Artery clogging good times.

    @Russian Curmudgeon (#149): I DON’T BELIEVE YOU! You’ll probably line up a row of dancing bears on one side of the road and a row of EVILSCARYCLOWNS on the other then somehow spray me with honey, knowing I’ll instinctively run away from the troop of EVILSCARYCLOWNS and into the waiting hungry jaws of the symbols of Russia.

    Speaking of fucked up, that whole Gasoline Alley takes skeevy to a whole new level, one I’m not comfortable observing in any form.

  218. Herr Kommissar Denny
    March 14th, 2013 at 3:59 pm [Reply]

    @Baka Gaijin (#217): You tell that sneaky Russian! Soviet Clowns might not wear all that creepy makeup, but they don’t need to!

  219. Government Cheese
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:18 pm [Reply]

    MW: What a weird thing for a parent to berate their kid about. The more typical criticism would be “You are too fat! Get a job! You don’t know what it’s like to be a doctor, etc.”

    If I came home to visit my parents and my dad said “You don’t know anything about romance! The genre is dead!”, I’d probably pee my pants laughing and then call the mental asylum to pick him up.

  220. Joshua
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:19 pm [Reply]

    Luann’s thought balloon doesn’t correspond to the dialogue.

    Luann says, “Dirk?! You mean Dirk the Jerk?” Toni says, “Actually, he’s changed a lot.”

    Luann ought to be imagining Dirk with a halo and wings (but still wearing his cap and sunglasses to be recognized), or something like that. If Toni meant that Dirk had turned into a monster with roid rage, she would have said something like, “Actually, he’s much worse now.”

    Time to work on your understanding of conversational implications, Greg!

  221. Government Cheese
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:21 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#220): Toni’s thought bubble should have really just focused on his crotch. That would have made a lot of sense.

  222. MySpoonIsTooBig
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:24 pm [Reply]

    @Right Venerable Pasdordan (#154):

    Comes from a Don Hertzfeldt animated short actually, which I would link were I not on my iPod with 10 minutes left on my break. I believe it’s called Rejected.

  223. TheDiva
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:28 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#205): I thought it meant that Dru had broken out of her fugue state and had turned the mind-meld back on the mermaid, which is why she’s facepalming her in the second panel. In any event, it’s pretty clear that Brooke started out with “succubus-mermaid catfight” as an inspiration and then forgot to work out the details.

  224. Joshua
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:29 pm [Reply]

    @Hogenmogen (#40): I assume Beth doesn’t want other people to know that Elinor disapproves of her work.

    But what Beth’s work is remains unclear to me. Did she write a romance novel, or did she write a nonfiction book about romance novels? “The subject” in Elinor’s dialogue seems to refer to “romance novels,” not “romance.” If Elinor meant to say that Beth knew nothing about romance, she should have said, “I meant it! You may have written a novel about romance, but you know nothing about it in real life!”

  225. Uzbekistan travel guide
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:42 pm [Reply]

    Good and in depth article but full of useful information

    [Spam delinked and IP Blacklisted]

  226. Jim in Wisc.
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:43 pm [Reply]

    Mock Trail: Forget about cheating in a fishing tournament, Mark. You need to stop the mad scientist who’s breeding birds the size of dinosaurs.

    Baitle Beeley: Zoophilia in the funny pages? For shame!

    Broken Crankshaft: This is the kind of suspension of disbelief I’d usually expect from a Mark Trail storyline.

    Funky Cancerstroke: That’s what happens when you freebase in the middle of the night, Mopey Pete.

    Retail: If at first you don’t succeed, just keep repeating your failures.

  227. Jim in Wisc.
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:53 pm [Reply]

    Did I see a discussion of Wisconsin cheese earlier? That reminds me, I have to pick up some Babcock Hall cheddar tomorrow. For those of you who’ve never been to Madtown, the Babcock Hall Dairy (on the UW campus) makes some of the finest cheese (and some of the finest ice cream, too) in the world.

  228. sully
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:54 pm [Reply]

    I suggest ‘Dawn in a black wig and glasses’ pick up the cane and beat that old bag Elinor to death, thereby ending what will, undoubtedly, be a long, boring, pointless plot to nowhere.
    Meanwhile, not that anybody cares, Adam @ Home has resurrected the ‘Why doesn’t our town have a recycling program?’ theme, which, of course they dragged their few readers through a year or so ago to no conclusion, like all of their plots. Recycling an old, used-up and totally unfunny idea? Why not? It’s not like anyone gives a rat’s ass.

  229. The Ridger
    March 14th, 2013 at 4:58 pm [Reply]

    MT: Seeing today’s strip in color, I now realize something is horribly wrong. That blue jay is very nearly right!

  230. Illustrator Steve
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:08 pm [Reply]

    @wossname (#2): “…what’s that thing Mark is leaning on in panel #2?”

    It’s a section of fence. You see…back home in Lost Forest Mark has no fence or any neighbors around his place to gossip over a backyard fence with. So, he likes to take a small section of stockade fence with him on his adventures and whenever he has an oppertunity to talk with someone he can pretend he is talking with a neighbor over a backyard fence, which, come to think of it, actually makes more sense than anything else in this lame story.

  231. Illustrator Steve
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:21 pm [Reply]

    MT – (ATTENTION! Jackelrod studio clip-art staff TAKE NOTE!): What the Mark Trail comic strip REALLY needs to improve it’s ratings are some GIGANTIC VENUS FLY TRAPS mixed in among the GIGANTIC Flora and Fauna. It’s the type of thing the strip needs to keep the readers from falling asleep! (Maybe the reverend Scudder could do a photoshop example for the loyal Trailverse readers to consider???) (@Nehemiah Scudder)

  232. Birdbrain Shrug
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:31 pm [Reply]

    @The Ridger (#229):

    “MT: Seeing today’s strip in color, I now realize something is horribly wrong. That blue jay is very nearly right!”

    It’s the Great North American Bluish Jay (Cyanosorta cristhereabouta), a passerine (but just barely: D minus) bird of the family Corvetteidae, whose range extends only to the southern part of the state.

  233. Illustrator Steve
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:37 pm [Reply]

    @Artist formerly known as Ben (#214): “Wal-mart shopping morlocks is such an incredible phrase that I’m going to be looking for an opportunity to use it for some time.”

    Me as well! (I live in Maine and I’ve seen those Morlocks in the Wal-marts, GASTLY!
    The mention of Wal-mart shopping morlocks in rual Vermont is of some concern since there are not many Wal-marts in Vermont…hell, McDonalds has had a hard enough time setting up shop in Vermont! And there is also the fact that the 9GL story line takes place in rual New Hampshire, which has MANY Wal-marts but not asd many morlocks as we have in Maine. (Now that I’ve pissed off the entire population of three states I will slither away quietly.)
    @Master Softheart (#152):

  234. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:44 pm [Reply]

    @Joshua (#220): Dirk is a bad guy, because he’s boning Mrs. DeG and because he’s B-wad’s nemesis (screwed his girlfriend, punched him out, boned his Mom), so he can’t be shown as angelic, even in a thought balloon.

  235. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    MW: “You know nothing about romance! Why, I bet you’ve never even given your boyfriend a cane job!”

  236. Mr K Martin
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:46 pm [Reply]

    BRUTAL BAILEY: Ever wonder what it would look like if Mort Walker drew Snow White?

  237. Peanut Gallery
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:49 pm [Reply]

    @Uzbekistan travel guide (#225): Can you book me on a flight in time for Russian Mardi-Gras? (I don’t want to miss the spectacular Spam Day Festival!)

  238. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:52 pm [Reply]

    MW: Elinor is not a grumpy old bat, she’s neo-realist literary critic of the radical school, who believe that an author should write only about those things that she has personally experienced, eaten, touched, heard, felt, smelt, or had sex with. Elinor despises the inauthenticity in her daughter’s work.

  239. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:53 pm [Reply]

    @Uzbekistan travel guide (#225): ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF CHEATING?

  240. KreatureFeatures
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:54 pm [Reply]

    @Uzbekistan travel guide (#225): From the Navoi Free Economic Industrial Zone, to the Shurkulskoe Reservoir, to the 9th Microdistrict, Uzbekistan really has something for everyone!

  241. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:56 pm [Reply]

    @sully (#228): Given that even tiny towns in conservative Indiana have recycling now, I think that such plotlines ought to be put in the bin along with “These kids and their Victrolas” and “They charge money for torn jeans?!” and other such hoary chestnuts.

  242. AhClem
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:57 pm [Reply]

    @Uzbekistan travel guide (#225):
    “Good and in depth article but full of useful information” — Albartz Camusza

  243. Shrug, Speaker to Spam
    March 14th, 2013 at 5:58 pm [Reply]

    @Uzbekistan travel guide (#225):

    You’re right to worry that “It’s because I only have one bekistan, isn’t it.”

    ///And it’s Uoozing!

  244. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:06 pm [Reply]

    @Gladly, the cross-eyed bear (#239): Mark needs the travel guide to give him an excuse the next time he promises to take Rusty fishing. “Sorry, Rusty, but I’ve just been called away to cover the big sturgeon festival in the Aral Sea in Zoobeckystan! I’ll bring you back some nice pictures of the fish!”

  245. Mr. O’Malley
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:16 pm [Reply]

    @Uzbekistan travel guide (#225): Does the useful information include whether or not the Registan Restaurant in Queens is still open? I hear conflicting reports.

  246. The good ship thetis
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:32 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#233): I suppose I could look this up, but aren’t Morlocks the intelligent beings in “The Time Machine?” The ones who live underground and enslave the sheep-like abovegrounders?

  247. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:36 pm [Reply]

    @Illustrator Steve (#231): Well, this Venus Fly Trap seems satisfied.

  248. Zerowolf
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:37 pm [Reply]

    MW: Beth and Dawn have something in common, they both style their hair with a straight razor.

  249. Cloudbuster
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:40 pm [Reply]

    @Mr K Martin (#236): Um, no. No, I have not ever wondered that. Not even close. How does one exactly arrive, on their own, at that place in the mind where one would wonder such a thing? Now that I have been brought here by you, I … I want to leave. Now.

  250. Majicou
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:50 pm [Reply]

    HotC: Oh, shit, Dean got hold of a Karen Traviss book. Here we go…

    H&J: This strip became Pluggers so gradually, I didn’t even notice.

    Luann: The last AND FIRST time I saw Dirk, he saved Mama DeGroot from certain injury and was treated like shit for no discernible reason. That’s storytelling the Evans way.

    Marm: The power of the Dark Side flows through Marmaduke.

  251. The Right Venerable Pasdordan
    March 14th, 2013 at 6:57 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#227): Does Babcock Hall still have the cow with a window into her stomach, too? Probably not. Ditto on the cheese and ice cream recommendation, too.

  252. Nehemiah Scudder
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:10 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#250): H&J: This strip became Pluggers so gradually, I didn’t even notice.

    Seemed more “duck”-like to me.

  253. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:11 pm [Reply]

    MW “Nothing less than porn, Beth! Get out there and blow a football team and then write about, dammit!”

  254. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:15 pm [Reply]

    MW: Beth is worried that Elinor is disparaging romance novels in front of Mary, who might be a fan. What if she had said haggis is terrible, in front of Ian Cameron? Or if she had said Broadway musicals are garbage, in front of Charlie? Or if she had said thin-sliced white bread is flavorless, in front of Wilbur?

  255. margo
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:20 pm [Reply]

    GA: Oh, Rufus, haven’t you ever heard the expression “Why marry the donkey when you can get the milk for free?” I don’t know if donkeys even give milk at all. But I do know that they don’t attempt to enter into legal marriages with partners outside their species. Which makes the donkey the smarter one in this relationship.

  256. Droopy Says
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:24 pm [Reply]

    @The good ship thetis (#246): Yeah, although the Morlocks were described as small, agile, apelike creatures. They didn’t enslave the Eloi. They ate them. If actual Morlocks showed up in a McEch story, they’d dismiss the Burbers as junk food.

  257. Amos Snarkadder, CQB
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:29 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#254):

    MW: Beth is worried that Elinor is disparaging romance novels in front of Mary, who might be a fan. What if she had said haggis is terrible, in front of Ian Cameron? Or if she had said Broadway musicals are garbage, in front of Charlie? Or if she had said thin-sliced white bread is flavorless, in front of Wilbur?

    Hey! How about a spoiler alert warning! Now we know all about the exciting developments coming in the next four months.

  258. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:35 pm [Reply]

    MT-”That must be what happened. Now let’s go out for a drink. I’m sure Rusty can handle himself. He’s been kidnapped so often that he is an old at what to do.”

  259. Government Cheese
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    @Amos Snarkadder, CQB (#257):
    (Scene: Elegant Worthian dinner party. Guests are “enjoying” salmon squares”)

    Elinor: Pshaw. White bread and mayo is a thing of the past. YOU KNOW NOTHING OF SANDWICH EATING, WILBUR.

    Wilbur: (starts sweating profusely) Y-y-y-you don’t w-w-w-want to s-s-s-s-ee me angry..

    Elinor: WHAT DO YOU KNOW OF PASTRAMI ON RYE? YOU’RE A HACK, LIKE MY DAUGHTER.

    Wilbur: Grrrrr! (jumps up and tears off his shirt). Yarrrrrr!! (looks at everyone in silence). Um. Normally I become green and huge.

    Mary: All that’s happened is that you have soiled your pants.

    Chinbeard: Hmmmm!

    Wilbur: Oh no, when I’m embarrassed, I have uncontrollable (PPPPPTTTPP) flatulence.

    (Party ends)

  260. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:37 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#256): If actual Morlocks showed up in a McEch story, they’d dismiss the Burbers as junk food.
    Which is ironic, considering that in the story, the Eloi are theorized to have been the end result of generations of breeding a progressively more effete and useless upper class. Or in other words, basically the collective descendants of the entire 9CL main cast.

  261. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:40 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#260): Except Solange.

  262. Liam
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:41 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#254):

    Then I would laugh as Wilbur breaks down in tears and consoles himself with a sandwich.

  263. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    March 14th, 2013 at 7:58 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#261):

    Actually, as a Siamese Cat, Solange is the result of generations of breeding a progressively more effete and useless cat for the upper classes.

    (And as I wrote this, my effete little Siamese came up to let me know it was time to stop typing and pay attention to her.)

  264. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

  265. tallyHO
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:30 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#250):
    H&J: This strip became Pluggers so gradually, I didn’t even notice.

    sometimes it does have that vibe going on, doesn’t it?

    It goes to show that there are gay pluggers, too.

    Herbielovebug & Jammall are probably performing a public service, in places where that’s allowed.

  266. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:35 pm [Reply]

    @Calvin’s Cardboard Box (#263): I know, I know, but I just can’t bring myself to lump a perfectly decent cat in with the Burbers and their ilk. It ain’t right.

  267. Dave Dahl
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    Urban Dictionary rejected my Gasoline Alley-inspired suggestion for “buttering the hay.” (frowny face)

    I was looking forward to asking all of you for your thumbs-up votes.

  268. tallyHO
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:36 pm [Reply]

    @Majicou (#250):

    Okay. So, I really didn’t know why you brought up H&J yet I replied anyhow with some snark.

    Then, I got curious (which always gets me in trouble).
    So, I looked for the strip. Turns out, it isn’t on any sites I usually read. So, I found it and didn’t get through the first panel before I cracked up. The Prophegay came true!

    Go on, Jammiejam, pat that pig!

    //no wonder I don’t bother reading it unless it is featured here.

  269. jim, some guy in iowa
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:42 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#165): i second the motion

  270. tallyHO
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    Okay, upon reading the Gasoline Alley, maybe Herbie and Jaaaaam! don’t have to worry about being misinterpreted as “kind of odd” and “possibly using innuendo”.

    Upper Frontdoor or Backdoor Mule Lovin’ beats all innuendo devices.

    That old man with the pipe probably spent the unseen, third panel proclaiming:
    There’s butter on my heyhey!

  271. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:43 pm [Reply]

    @Government Cheese (#259): Hah! I knew a fart would break up a Mary-led party.

    See @Liam (#164): and @Sequitur (#166):

  272. tallyHO
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:47 pm [Reply]

    In “Mary Worth”, basically that lady’s mother is accusing her daughter of lying in fiction writing?

  273. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:50 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#266): Plus, what’s acceptable behavior in a cute mammal with a brain the size of a walnut that purrs is a lot different from what’s acceptable behavior in a not-terribly-cute mammal with a brain the size of a walnut that talks at great wordy length.

  274. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:51 pm [Reply]

    @tallyHO (#272): Ah! Let’s see what Albert Camus has to say about that.

  275. hibbleton
    March 14th, 2013 at 8:57 pm [Reply]

    @Rocky Stoneaxe (#1): Love Is… heating up a poultice to treat her boils.

    Great snark is..picturing the Love is girl covered in carbuncles.

  276. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:12 pm [Reply]

    @hibbleton (#275): Or covered in hickeys.

  277. Sgt. Stoned
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:27 pm [Reply]

    MW: Speaking of donkeys, rumor has it the Tom Harpman is hung like one.

    MT: Who can blame Rod Bassy? Surely the possibility of suffering the humiliation of being disqualfied from a bass fishing contest for cheating justifiies risking capital punishment by kidnapping and perhaps murdering a child, amiright?

    BB: One would think that Plato, supposedly the smartest member of Beetle’s outfit, would know about Zero’s “way with animals” after serving with him for about 60 years.

  278. Sequitur
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:40 pm [Reply]

    @Sgt. Stoned (#277): On BB: Don’t you know? Plato writes 9 Chickweed Lane.

  279. Droopy Says
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:51 pm [Reply]

    @commodorejohn (#260): The Eloi descended ascended from the Burbers? Maybe, but there’s one flaw in that theory. In the book, the Eloi had a simple language and they helped the Time Traveller to understand a few of their words. That’s about as unBurberesque as you can get and still walk upright.

  280. Anonymous
    March 14th, 2013 at 9:53 pm [Reply]

    @The Right Venerable Pasdordan (#251):
    The last I heard they do still have a one or two down the street in the dairy barn.

  281. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    RMMD: WTF is the deal with that woman’s face in panel 3?

  282. commodorejohn
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:29 pm [Reply]

    @Droopy Says (#279): Golly, you’re right. Shot that theory right to hell.

  283. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:40 pm [Reply]

    MW: Mary’s new neighbor may claim that her name is “Beth Kinley”, but we comics-strip fans know better. She’s really Honey Huan from Doonesbury.

  284. Jim in Wisc.
    March 14th, 2013 at 10:58 pm [Reply]

    @Anonymous (#280):
    BTW, that’s me. Didn’t realize that IE had cleared my info.

  285. Droopy Says
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    Slighterman: And thus the battle takes shape: the mind-controlling gas versus the man with no mind!

    Funky’s Flunkies: Dude, you coulda had Princess Aura instead of Dale, which proves you bleached your brain with your hair.

    Family Circus: The Zen of FC: how can a boring melonhead know when he’s bored?

    Mock Travail: The bear may not shit in the woods but Trail bullshits in the cabin. Why not call the cops and tell them that Rusty is missing? Remember, Trail, they’re the cops. They’re paid to care.

    Phantom: Bad news, Kit. Just because he hasn’t shot you yet doesn’t mean he’s stupid enough to move closer to the cage, where you and the lion can reach him through the bars.

    Pluggers: This gem comes from someone in Benbrook, Texas. Grandpa Droopy was there in 1917 as an aviation cadet. At one point the MPs threw him in the guardhouse. I now believe whatever he did was thoroughly justified.

  286. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:28 pm [Reply]

    Crankshat: I call BULLSHIT!

    MT: Still have no reason to call the police, eh Mark?

    // Just a few hours ago, my 15 yo daughter was outside and wandered off to follow a cat that walked through our yard. She said that she told me that she was going to do that, but I didn’t hear her say that. Long story short, she calmly walks on in the house later as my wife and I start searching for her and by this time are starting to go FUCKING berserk! We scolded her for scaring us, and then gave her MANY BIG hugs.

    Meanwhile, Mark hasn’t even raised an eyebrow for Rusty!

  287. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:30 pm [Reply]

    @Jim in Wisc. (#284):

    “BTW, that’s me. Didn’t realize that IE had cleared my info.”

    Fucking Micro$oft!

  288. seismic-2
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:41 pm [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#286): But did you use sledgehammers to look for her inside the walls?

  289. Anonymous
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:45 pm [Reply]

    @fadograf (#150):
    Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yummmmm!

    It’s either a tribute to Barnes & Barnes, or a shout out to Mark Trail’s Rod Bassy and Catfish.

  290. Anonymous
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:50 pm [Reply]

    @Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket (#241):

    But without material like that, there would be no more “Pluggers” strips, ever! Not that that would be such a bad thing for humanity, but it would mean one less comic to snark on.

  291. Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör
    March 14th, 2013 at 11:53 pm [Reply]

    @seismic-2 (#288):

    Gotta admit, didn’t even think of that!

    // Fucking B-wad and TJ!

  292. tallyHO
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:05 am [Reply]

    @Der Kömmëntätör, Herr Schnärkïnätör (#286):

    Yeah. Even Geppeto went cuckoo bonkers when his puppet boy didn’t make it to his first day of school.

    Mark has no heart.

  293. tallyHO
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:06 am [Reply]

    @Sequitur (#274):

    That Camus has a saying for everything, if the CC site is to be believed.

    Wo bist du, Sequitur?

  294. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:08 am [Reply]

    Rex: “I guess I’ll just have to content myself with enjoying my obscene wealth, which I have only because a hideous old rich man wanted to have sex with me!”

  295. Inexplicable Bear Tongue
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:14 am [Reply]

    Luann 3/15: Let’s not forget who his girlfriend was for all those years he was a worthless loser, since we’re acknowledging that that has a major effect on a guy’s value.

  296. Rana the Pedantic Wet Blanket
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:16 am [Reply]

    I have to say, I am greatly enjoying the wrath of the commenters regarding Crankshaft’s Story of Tree Bullshit. Hey, hacky cartoonist, if you’re going to ride the high horse of My Comics Are Realistic And Serious And Therefore Must Be Viewed With Respect At All Times, then you don’t get to suspend the laws of physics and botany when it’s convenient to your sad little plot arcs. Live by the reality sword, get trapped under the reality tree.

  297. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:21 am [Reply]

    “Mark, I know we’re going to wait to catch Rod Bassy in the act of cheating, but shouldn’t we notify the police?”
    “If the police were to rescue Rusty tonight, we’ll never catch him in the act, Bluegill!”
    “But what if Rusty’s being mistreated? It can’t be fun to be tied up in a van!”
    “Look,Bluegill, Rusty’s already been tied up for ten, OK, fifteen days! One more night shouldn’t be that big a deal! No, I want to catch Rod Bassy cheating, and this is the only way! Hey, how about pizza tonight?”

  298. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
    March 15th, 2013 at 12:51 am [Reply]

    So if B-wad were to find the right woman, he might have a chance at not being a worthless loser!

  299. Alex Blaze
    March 15th, 2013 at 3:05 am [Reply]

    “…but you know nothing about [romance] in real life!”

    I never knew there was an insult that could be so ambiguous as to encompass “slut” and “virgin” at the same time.

  300. Vanya
    March 15th, 2013 at 5:33 am [Reply]

    the effects of female sexuality upon men as imagined by the kid who sits in the back of a seventh grade classroom drawing dirty pictures.

    Speaking as a fairly typical heterosexual American male, 9CL doesn’t remind me at all of my 7th grade dirty mind. In fact I suspect Brooke is probably repressing something. Straight males do objectify women all the time, but they don’t focus on little dresses or obsess about femine wiles.

  301. CanuckDownSouth
    March 15th, 2013 at 6:11 am [Reply]

    MT: A child is missing, his camera’s last photos point to a particular van and person, and you try to set up a fishing-contest sting rather than go to the police? This… this may be as bad as the Threatening Husband Solved With Baby arc in terms of portraying things you should never do.

    Luann is as messed-up as ever. Yeah, all that stands between rage-filled guys and a life of calm baby-dandling is the right woman – go fix ‘em! [/barf]

    FW: I haven’t read much Flash Gordon, but even a taste makes me doubt Dale is an unobservant bimbette. So Batiuk can’t even be bothered to care about the comics he supposedly renders homage to.

  302. Little Guy
    March 15th, 2013 at 6:12 am [Reply]

    JP: THAT’S how you do “draw the figure and then paint on the clothes”, McEcch.

  303. gleeb
    March 15th, 2013 at 6:14 am [Reply]

    ‘shaft: And if anything beats a two-panel sepia flashback for dulness, it;s a one-panel sepia flashback.

    ‘bean: Well, at least this is a show of character growth. Before, Mopey Pete was just a mopey sad sack of shit, who was bad at his job. No one wanted to talk to him, and with good reason. It wouldn’t be fair to say that he would be a childish sexist jerk, but that would be the way to bet. Now we learn that even his hallucinations are sexist. Aces, Pete!

    Neddy’s Dull Stare: More refusal to hint where the money went, but with breasts.

    Dick: If the answer is always “Jumble”, it’s not much of a puzzle.

    Thorp: Now that the team has lost, Gil makes sure they blame it on themselves rather than a peacock or their coach.

    Mary: Don’t worry; Mary will meddle Elinor into a love of the spear.

    Spidey: As the Kingpin readies his next plot, Our Hero struggles to remember a name.

  304. seismic-2
    March 15th, 2013 at 6:43 am [Reply]

    Luann: If the right woman can in fact turn a worthless loser into an amazing (or even just an adequate) guy, I hope Grace has a sister whom Brad can meet.

  305. Rip Houndstooth, Man of Action
    March 15th, 2013 at 6:59 am [Reply]

    Whoops, sorry, #289 & #290 were me. Still getting used to this new phone…

  306. Liam
    March 15th, 2013 at 7:15 am [Reply]

    @CanuckDownSouth (#301):

    Mark’s attitude towards Rusty makes me think that Rusty would have been better off staying with his abusive father. Sure the man would beat Rusty but that is slightly better than the neglect that Mark does to Rusty.

  307. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 15th, 2013 at 7:19 am [Reply]

    9CL: and by “slip your note into the little envelope” we mean sex.

    Zits: and by “probe the depths of my innermost desires”, we mean sex.

    A&J: Tu’i feels your pain, Ludwig.

    AD: Foghorn is a rooster, not a turkey, you beefwit.

    R&R: yeah, saw that one coming.

    SBp: GOATS!!!

    TheChron is temporarily unavailable. off to TimesUnion. The even slower, boggy TimesUnion. *sigh*

    Bizarro: *yawn*

    Blondie: Dag needs to watch more DDD. Slap some eggs on top, call it open-faced, and dig in. (Who would pay good $$$ to see Guy Fieri show up in Blondie? I would.)

    Lockhorns: no, it doesn’t work that way. Not even on DauxNews.

    MG&G: *triggers PTSD in WWII vets*

    RwO: The word balloon is covering up Josh.

  308. queek, source of Cuteness, Kawaii Commando
    March 15th, 2013 at 7:20 am [Reply]

    Love Is . . .assless chaps.

Comments are closed for this post.