Archive: Gasoline Alley

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Blondie, 8/3/22

I feel like it goes without saying that today’s Blondie is some real sicko shit. Obviously it’s very gross that Blondie made this nightmare in the first place, or that Dagwood said “I look delicious!” or that he says he hopes he looks “half as good to you in real life” as this breakfast abomination, which looks real weird and fucked up, actually, but to me the worst part is that he’s eating it upside down. Like I know it’s turned that way so we, the readers, can get a good look at it, but if you gave someone a pancake decorated to look like a human face and they started eating it from the forehead side, I would absolutely believe they were a serial killer with no further information needed.

Gasoline Alley, 8/3/22

Good news, everybody! That spaceship they built in Gasoline Alley out of garbage actually worked! Why is that “good news,” you’re probably wondering? Well, assuming that the geopolitical situation in the Alleyverse is more or less similar to ours, the boys manning the radar machines over at the Strategic Missile Forces of the Russian Federation are probably pretty on edge when it comes to unexpected rocket launches coming from the continental United States, so with any luck the sprawling Gasoline Alley cast of characters is about to be wiped out in its entirety by a series of nuclear explosions.

Shoe, 8/3/22

This is only tangentially related to the strip here but my usual epithets for the anthropomorphic creatures in Shoe and Pluggers are phrases like “bird-person” or “beast-man” and it occurs to me that “people person” is technically what the opposite of that would be.

Mary Worth, 8/3/22

“Like, if you treat them real shitty, for instance! It turns out that other people can feel emotional and physical pain, just like we can? Real fucked up, isn’t it.”

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Gasoline Alley, 7/23/22

Despite feeling obliged to read Gasoline Alley every day, I often fail to retain the details of its sprawling cast and their various problems, because honestly, why do that with my precious brain space when I could be doing literally anything else with it, but it’s slowly been dawning on me that the “Jimmy” who we recently saw ruining his sister’s sex life is the same kid who got a ride on a real live steam locomotive because he was dying of some unspecified terminal illness all the way back in 2014. I’m not sure if they somehow cured him in the interim and I just forgot or if the kid suffers from “Walt Syndrome,” a rare condition unique to the Alleyverse where a character lingers at the ege of death indefinitely without ever actually dying, but clearly Jimmy’s sister’s paramour is done with waiting. That’s why he’s turning to his grandfather Slim, who once got mad about some local teens playing basketball so he hired a guy to murder them by dropping a meteorite on them out of a helicopter. Slim knows from killing minors in elaborate space-themed “accidents,” in other words, and this rocketship built much faster than NASA ever could, with fewer safety features than NASA would ever be allowed to include, will do nicely.

Dick Tracy, 7/23/22

So whey would some faction of the now Earthbound race of Moon People want to turn their monstrous powers against Earth’s unsuspecting governments? Well, it turns out their Moon youth are being corrupted by anime. How else do you expect any self-respecting civilization to respond?

Hi and Lois, 7/23/22

Honestly respect how absolutely devastated Hi is by this. He’s been hanging on by a thread for a while now, but at least he thought that his family respected his grilling prowess. Now even that’s been taken from him, and there’s nothing left.

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/6/22

Man, wouldn’t it be cool if Funky Winkerbean made an abrupt change in its narrative style and suddenly became a retro-cyberpunk strip (set in the original 1980s heyday of cyberpunk, even) where Harry Dinkle used his computer hacking prowess to gain authority over Westview High without his techno-ignorant colleagues even noticing? It wouldn’t even have to be a permanent abrupt change. Just for one storyline would be a relief from the endless puns. Computers in the ’80s couldn’t make puns, right? That was beyond their capabilities?

Dustin, 7/6/22

I’ve made some jokes about how the unstoppable passage of time has shifted Dustin’s core “Boomer vs. Millennial” concept to a significantly less bankable “elder Gen X vs. young Millennial/first-wave Zoomer” scenario, but I think we can agree that no matter what the actual ages of the people in the strip are, the main engine of the whole thing is Boomer dude condescension. How else do you explain today’s punchline at the expense of Abba, a band that was always pretty beloved and has undergone a critical appraisal of late? “Ha ha, Abba,” says the strip’s viewpoint character, about one of the best-selling music acts of all time, which spawned a wildly popular stage musical and film series, “I think we can safely do a punchline predicated on notion that we all agree that they suck!”

Mark Trail, 7/6/22

Look, it’s come to our attention that Mark Trail’s core audience may be tired of long storylines about how cryptocurrency is bad or whatever. So, we’re going back to the core story topics that have made this strip great: animals, and their gross rashes. Hope you enjoy the close-up drawings of weeping sores, freaks!

Gasoline Alley, 7/6/22

Gasoline Alley: the long-running continuity strip that’s in touch with everyday real Americans, their lives, and their problems. Also, it features a talking bird who strictly enforces sexual morality. It’s a real nightmare place!