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Metapost: Comments of the week FROM BEYOND!

I don’t select the Comments of the Week (not worthy!), but good news: Josh assembled these gems before high-tailing it for parts unknown! Here is your weekly top comment!

“A lot of people may regard Hi and Lois as pretty conventional, but I for one have never seen a couple of non-junkies so consistently committed to ignoring their baby.” –Violet

And here are your runners up!

“Scott is killed by a heroin dealer, but is able to get a shot off before the sweet sweet Charterstone-free eternal sleep envelops him. The critically injured dealer is rushed to the hospital where Adrian is faced with the moral dilemma — do I let him die or do I accept his invitation for drinks and a movie?” –Uncle Ritzy-Fitz

“And yeah, and what’s-her-face is totally using this to try to get into Les’s pants. I would express disapproval, but actually getting into Les’s pants will be punishment enough.” –Cliff Arroyo

“That traditional Milford bonfire is of Gil’s house by everyone he’s screwed over. Marty DeJong was just a little early this year.” –Steve S

“And I think Archie should just go ahead and reboot as a funny animal strip if that’s what they want to draw. Go ahead, let them get married, say ‘OK, that’s it!’, and the next morning they’re all squirrels. I believe it’s what nature intends.” –One-eyed Wolfdog


“Ah, nothing like a good witch burning to kick off the football season.” –zerowolf

“Toni’s turnaround was clearly Day One of Brad’s schizoid break with reality. Hope the real Toni is still alive.” –Marion D

MW: I love the ‘Cartel Update’ pamphlet. I prefer to think that the police merely intercepted the drug cartel’s weekly newsletter. ‘Not only have they changed warehouses, but it’s big Pauly’s birthday! Be sure to wish him a hearty congratulations as you arrest him.’” –Citric

“Ah, Brad, once again you stand in for all humanity. Who amongst us does not have erotic daydreams involving our best friend and our father?” –neographite

“On the plus side, though, it seems that Brad can’t even create non-Toni people who care about him. High-five, universe!” –cj

“Grandma Keane just wants to know where her goddam flying car is. She was promised one.” –yellojkt

“When Grandma says the future just isn’t what it used to be, she should know. After all, she’s a time traveller who came here from a wonderful future where we all live in enlightened peace and harmony. However, during her time travels, she accidentally killed a mosquito, and … well, that’s how we end up living in a post-apocalyptic hell with President Jeffy.” –Perky Bird

“It’s nice of Brad to envision a world where TJ has been cured of his chronic case of lockjaw.” –zamros

“Weren’t JAMARR, DEONTE, DIEHL and BAUZA the clues in today’s Jumble?” –Dancing Bear

Three cheers for everyone who put cash into my tip jar! And cheers also to my advertisers:

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– Uncle Lumpy

56 responses to “Metapost: Comments of the week FROM BEYOND!”

  1. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    September 21st, 2009 at 7:59 am [Reply]

    And here I was thinking that if Uncle Lumpy was picking the COTWs, I might have a chance of being among them. Nonetheless, a great crop of funny this week, especially Uncle Ritzy-Fitz, Ace, and Citric. Congratulations!

  2. buckyswife
    September 21st, 2009 at 8:24 am [Reply]

    1 SSB: Well, your snark is float-worthy in my book—for whatever that’s worth, since I’m not up there, either!

    But yes, very funny COTWs! Congrats, all!

  3. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    September 21st, 2009 at 8:33 am [Reply]

    Thanks Uncle Lumpy and Josh (in absentia), and Congrats to all the fellow float folk. Great way to start a Monday after a certain team playing the football up here in New England made for a tough Sunday.

  4. mordock999
    September 21st, 2009 at 8:38 am [Reply]

    Today’s Luann 09/21/09

    “Frank, Frank, JUST because our teenage daughter is getting a limo with blacked out windows being driven by a big hulking guy who bears a ‘striking’ resemblance to the joker who used to routinely beat the living shit out of our son, and who is employed by a horny dwarf who vaguely resembles Elvis and thinks he can BUY our daughter affections, by bribing US, doesn’t mean WE have ANYTHING to WORRY about!!! By the way, DIBBS on Elwood’s AMEX Gift Card!” —— Nancy DeGroot


    DEATH to TJ!!!

  5. Niall
    September 21st, 2009 at 8:47 am [Reply]

    Woo! Zombie COTW!

    Congratulations Violet!

    I see Ace’s comment made it, as many expected. :)

    Seems Luann was one of the comics of snarking choice last week.

    I’m off to work, but I was definitely successful in my chocolate hunt. Click my name for the best, best chocolate mould ever made. NSFW though! Or else, be careful. :) Amusingly, it’s at the only chocolate shop I’ve ever seen headed by two small chinese women, very polite and very nice. They also had a selection of chocolates For Her and For Him, and I didn’t ask exactly what was in each – but the For Him was like 12 pieces, and the For Her was 25 pieces. Know your clientele and all…

  6. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    September 21st, 2009 at 8:48 am [Reply]

    Might as well get working on next week’s COTW candidates now…

    9CL: This is the impossibly hot siren temptress who’s going to lure Amos away from Aryan goddess Edda? Huh. All along, he drew Edda and the other women all curvy, small-waisted, firm-breasted and lithe because he thought that was ordinary and cardigan-wearing, flat-chested, pageboy-sporting and slouchy was sexy. It’s an odd world you live in, Brooke, but I’d like to visit it sometime.

    BB: Imagining that despite the physical juxtaposition, Plato and Killer are holding an entirely separate conversation from the scene with Sarge and Beetle, puts the comment “Sarge will try anything” in an entirely new light. It also explains the six whole peeled potatoes found covered with lube in the latrine last night.

    C’haft: Ha, ha! Crankshaft is really old and can’t do strenuous physical activity like chopping wood like he used to! Oh, my, is there anything the decrepitude of age can’t make funny?

    DtM: Ha, ha! Dennis plans to visit the other kid with a baseball bat while he sleeps tonight! Oh, my, is there anything the decrepitude of age violence can’t make funny?

    (WT)DT: If my DtM comment is true, then DT is the funniest strip EVER. Don’t believe me? Look! Clowns!

    thorps. FWEEEET! Gratuitous use of full names of characters nobody cares about! Five yards per infraction, fifteen yards total penalty! Repeat first down!

    MW: Since there are at least two other tall buildings within a stone’s throw of that warehouse, I can only conclude that the writers think “remote” really means “burnt umber.”

    R=R: This strip strongly implies that Pasquale actually farts sunshine, hearts, and rainbows. I thought only Tom Batiuk could do that.

    SFx: And here I thought it was because they’re RATS blatantly installing huge CAMERAS in the trees while WEIRDLY HIMSELF lurks in plain sight nearby, with a huge shit-eating grin on his face. Silly me.

    Gosh, float-quality snark is tougher than I thought. Oh, but look! Christian Singles Girl’s sister is trying to earn an online degree! That makes it all worthwhile.

  7. AeroSquid
    September 21st, 2009 at 8:54 am [Reply]

    MW: Scott and Team H-Town seemed to have arrived just in time to watch the drug cartel unpacking and admiring their new weapons.

    “Hey, I got an SKS !”

    “I got an AK-47″

    “I got Phased Plasma Rifle in the 20 Watt range !”

    “I got a rock.”

  8. One-eyed Wolfdog
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:14 am [Reply]

    GT: I don’t care if he is ‘wide open’, I don’t think you’re allowed to lateral to the ref.

  9. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:39 am [Reply]

    6. The Spectacular Spider-Brick
    i.e. BB – So that’s how they make Potatoade™.

    Congrats to Violet and all the floaters!

  10. Peripheral Visionary
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:40 am [Reply]

    9CL: Here I was thinking we were going to get something out of a Judge Parker strip, but instead, we get somebody who looks like she stepped out of the library at Westfield High. She’ll still cause a massive romantic disruption, of course; I mean, this is 9 Chickweed Lane, after all.

    Non Sequitur (from Sunday): OK, I’m stupid. Could somebody please explain what in the world this recurring theme is all about, and why it’s funny?

  11. One-eyed Wolfdog
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:41 am [Reply]

    #6 – SSB – I will bet you a shiny dollar that she does not remain so frumpily becardiganed for the duration of this arc. (This is sort of a safe bet for me, because by extrapolating recent story arc lengths I’m reasonably certain that this one will achieve narrative escape velocity and enter a neverending orbit of its own navel, with slight occasional corrections from the author’s sold wank fuel boosters — in which case I can’t really lose. Except in so much as we all lose when that sort of thing happens. But even disregarding that possibility, I feel pretty confident.)

  12. Bootsy
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:50 am [Reply]

    A3G: I wonder of anyone, anywhere, in the history of ever, has ever said “Yoo hoo, Aristotle!”

    I think not.

  13. Dingo
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:56 am [Reply]

    I should get partial credit for zerowolf since he was responding to my story called “The Lottery.”

    Hmm… how to have a raid. Dress everyone in powder blue and put the blondes up front. No camoflauge. Yes, the druglords will think we’re a local company of Up With People.

  14. Uncle Lumpy
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    #12 Bootsy –

    Walk into any Greek diner in NYC and it’ll get you a chocolate soda.

  15. One-eyed Wolfdog
    September 21st, 2009 at 9:58 am [Reply]

    Spotted: One of Mark’s nature articles, albeit published (obviously) under one of him many pseudonyms.

  16. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:03 am [Reply]

    15. One-eyed Wolfdog
    The sad thing is those are the only tits Mark ever sees.

  17. Uncle Ritzy Fritz
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:22 am [Reply]

    #12 Bootsy-

    A3G: I wonder of anyone, anywhere, in the history of ever, has ever said “Yoo hoo, Aristotle!”

    Probably not, although I’m willing to bet “Yoo hoo, Plato” has escaped from Sarge’s lips once or twice over at Camp Swampy.

  18. Doug Puthoff
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:23 am [Reply]

    Alt-FC caption for 9-21: You should’ve seen it! Grandma b-slapped Harvey Pekar in the checkout line for whining too much.

  19. Muffaroo
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:25 am [Reply]

    A3G – Pie! Please let it be a pie, flying through the air. C’mon: pie! pie! pie! pie! pie!

    Dick – Wow. Who could have suspected that Clowny the Indifferent Clown, who fired the gun, would have… another gun? One so small and two-dimensional, I suspect it’s made of Gümmi candy. Go on, Dick! Take a bite!

    Get Fuzzy Without Garfield – (Insert silence.)

    Mary – Today’s dialog box should be read by “Desmond Doomsday,” the narrator from the Adam West “Batman” series. It wouldn’t hurt for him to read all of them, for that matter.

    Momma – “Browner”? Ha ha! Francis craps in his yard.

    Pluggers – I guess the movie CARS is about a lot of automobiles that are pluggers. *shudder*

    Ziggy“You KNOW what sardines do to you!” If the dog is as much of a wimpy loser as Ziggy, they probably hold him down and make him squeal like a piggie. He seems pretty happy about the idea, though.

    sebastian @y11 – “…also: TWITTER!”

    True Fable @y21 – Not only does Doc have those letters woodburner-ed into his chest, but he also wrote them backwards the first time and crossed them out before getting them right!

  20. queek
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:34 am [Reply]

    The Society for the Promotion of Mustelids in the Funny Pages would like to thank the Sunday Mark Trail for his depiction of a weasel.

  21. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:37 am [Reply]

    19. Muffaroo
    Now your version of Ziggy is the funniest, well, ever!

  22. queek
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:42 am [Reply]

  23. B. Racoon
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:43 am [Reply]

    #22 queek – yes.

  24. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:57 am [Reply]

    A3G – Ruby stands apart as one of the three characters in Apartment 3-G whom you can identify from off-panel. The others are Gabriella, who inevitably has some kind of “ethnic” tinge to her dialogue, and Margo, whose typical greeting is more along the lines of “get the $#%^ over here, peon!”

    Archie – Okay, when seeing what incarnation of the passer-by character will show up dressed in what is the most interesting part of your strip, maybe it’s time to consider some alternatives. Like, you know, making Cammie the main character.

    Curtis – I know we’re all supposed to be tut-tutting about now, but I really actually like Greg and his “fuck you, I’ll smoke if I want to” attitude. Too few comics characters these days are really committed to their vices; hell, even Garfield is less aggressive about his overeating than he used to be.

    DT – Wow. This just might be the very least interesting Dick Tracy storyline ever. I can’t even summon up any kind of emphasis for that sentence, that’s how uninteresting it is. Maybe I can hum to myself…that’d probably be more interesting…night, her sable dome scattered with diamonds…hmm hmm…bareback ladies have fish…all the fun of the Cirkus…

    F- – Dude, is that Elly Patterson? This Jared guy has just become my new hero. Try the knives next, dude. There’s no outcome there that won’t be a win.

    FW – I’m not really sure what’s supposed to be un-sensible about that, unless Batiuk is writing this from the perspective of hitting cheerleaders with pies being a secret fetish of his, which I wouldn’t rule out. Maybe he’s been hanging out with Greg Evans, but if that were the case, wouldn’t Delta’s cancer have recurred?

    GT – Hey, guys? The interstate may not be the best place for a football game. Just sayin’.

    JP – Ohhhhhh baby. Gloria keeps getting hotter with every appearance. What’s she going to be dressed in next time we see her, I wonder? A backless minidress?

    Lockhorns – I got an honest laugh out of The Lockhorns today, because that’s basically my position as well.

    Luann – Yes, that boy is so wrong for Luann. Why can’t she start dating that nice boy who sews her fetish costumes?

    MT – Say, where do Marks fit into that marvelous web of predation detailed yesterday?

    Marmaduke – If you told him, you’d be arrested. Gah.

    MW – “In a remote warehouse on the outskirts of the 1966 Batman TV series…”

    SFx – Are they walking out of a doorway in the backdrop? What is this, The Truman Show?

    SM – What is this strange place the Parkers have found themselves in? What is this odd green substance in which it seems to be covered? And where is the ceiling? I do see a lot of bricks, though; Peter better be careful, in case one of them gets the *snerk* drop on him.

    Edison Lee – is apparently hanging out on some very…interesting websites.

  25. Niall
    September 21st, 2009 at 10:59 am [Reply]

    Mellow Monday (especially after the weekend I had)

    Apt 3G: So here’s proof that “Dr” Papagoras was a lecturer. Now he’s able to write scrips. Does that mean that as a civil servant, I could be able to write scripts? Because I’m sure I could do a better job with this strip.

    Archie: Cammy has more breast definition this time. It’s sad that it’s the single most interesting thing in this strip.

    BC: I have always pictured these ants as being inside a giant stomach with no escape. Makes as much sense as Lizzie Border and book reports in prehistorical ants.

    Tracy: The world over, thousands of children get their childhood fears vindicated: “See, mom? SEE? I told clowns were evil!!!”

    Thorp: (Should I really debase myself this way?.. oh, why not.) Yo, ref! I’mma really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish your game, but lemme tell you that Deonte has the best levitating football trick of all**** Crap, no, I simply can’t abase myself like this.

    Marm: “No, really, you wouldn’t.. I.. No, I really can’t describe… But… okay, okay! My demon dog just had his way with my wife again and is lying in post-coital bliss on top of me, okay? …no, I’m serious!! …hey, you’re the one who insisted, okay? ..what do you mean, “don’t bother showing up”??”

    Mary Worth: Oh, oh panel 2 promises so much. Vice squad with handguns against thugs with semi-automatics? Is it Christmas already?

    My Cage: …wow, not even two weeks and now I’m completely unsure where this is heading. Bridget is an airhead, but she’s a NICE and sweet airhead and truly loves Norm. What is he to do? Will he cast guilty glances at Ashley? Maybe, maybe not…

    One Big Happy: You know, I often looked at those exercices the same way. Except I was ten. (Second language English.) I find it the sign of a good imagination.

    PBS: Arrrrgh! “What do you got there”???? Pastiiiiis! Stop torturing my inner grammarian! You wouldn’t like it when it gets angry.. it dons leather bondage gear…

    Ghost-in-a-cameo: Underling there does not look happy, but neither would I be if I was constantly body-cavity searched every day…

  26. tb4000
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:00 am [Reply]

    Luann: Of course, that 10% is what led to the birth of Luann and Brad DeGroot. So in essence, it wasn’t even worth it.

  27. zenvelo
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:06 am [Reply]

    RE: previous thread:

    I think True Fables’ write up at #21 should be added to the Comics Curmudgeon Orientation manual…

  28. Dingo
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:26 am [Reply]

    Niall, you deserve a spanking. And not the grad student from Brooklyn turnin’ tricks in Paris type either.

  29. buckyswife
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:28 am [Reply]

    A3G: So, in other words, Aristotle, “Those who can’t do, teach; those who can’t teach, prescribe medications to strangers they’re sexually attracted to”?

  30. AeroSquid
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:33 am [Reply]

    DtM: “….and you, Mom, will be getting a subpoena from his parent’s high-powered team of lawyers. You’ve made a powerful enemy today Mom. What’s for dinner ?”

  31. UncleJeff
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:37 am [Reply]

    DT: Gee, Ennui the Clown was the killer all along.

  32. commodorejohn
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:41 am [Reply]

    DT – “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”

  33. buckyswife
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:48 am [Reply]

    30 AeroSquid: Wait, are you saying that Dennis the Menace is actually the inspiration for Tony-award-winning play God of Carnage? Alice Mitchell does look a bit like Hope Davis….

  34. Calvin's Cardboard Box
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    MW – Looks like the Charterstone Police Department has hired a fashion consultant. Bulletproof sweater vests will soon be all the rage!

    FW – Change the order of the words around and “hit a cheerleader’s pie” will be a HUGE success.

    Luann – “See anything wrong with this situation, momma?” “My teenage daughter is getting into a limo with a hulking bodyguard and a creepy dwarf, what could go wrong?” “Think we should insist on at least knowing where they are going?” “Nah, that would be intrusive, like asking that guy who lived with us for a few months what he does for a living when he goes out dressed as a pimp.” “You are right, let’s just spend the evening making tired old sitcommy ‘schlubby balding man with hot cougar wife he could never obtain in real life’ jokes, instead.”

  35. Mibbitmaker
    September 21st, 2009 at 11:55 am [Reply]

    A3G: “No, thanks, I’m not thirsty.” (*rimshot!*)

    DtM: Have you been feeding him testosterone again, Mrs. Mitchell…?

    GF: “…..LINE?….”

    H&L: Lois would give anything to be a Lockhorn.

    Marvin: He also enjoys outsmarting Elmer Fudd.

    Mutts: …And so, an al-Quaida operative deemed Mooch to be a “crusader infidel.”
    d. 2009

    MC: Cue “Love Rollercoaster” by the Ohio Players.

    R&R: “…This little boy will self-destruct in 5 seconds. Good luck, Rover.”

    R=R: And so, the security camera footage of the severe beating of Pasquale by all the other kids on the bus was shown on all the cable news outlets.

    Zits: Preachy Irony should be a TV Trope & Idiom, comic strip division.

  36. mollificent
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:05 pm [Reply]

    Yay COTW and float-riders! (Ace, I’m so glad you made it onto the float…that comment was hella-funny!)

    Lio: Oh crap…General Woundwort! You’ve stumbled into Efrafa! Run, Lio, run!!

    DT: As much as I’d like to say “Gee, the evil scary clown who fired the gun…big surprise!” this really doesn’t make sense. If he’s out to get Ringo, why the hell did he shoot Louise Trapeze, if she was on the same side?

    Why the #$%^ am I expecting logic from Dick Tracy? I need more caffeine.

    (#25 Niall: I hate to tell you this, but I think Dingo has first dibs where Pastis and leather bondage gear are concerned. Sorry. ;))

  37. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:10 pm [Reply]

    Damn clown. (This could be the answer for many of life’s situations.)

  38. Anonamuse
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:13 pm [Reply]

    9CL: Aww, poor Mary. She doesn’t know yet that Seth is gay. Hey, maybe if she’s lucky, he’s bisexual.

    BB: I need to remember this strip as a motivational technique to spur me to clean my house!

    DtM: Hey, boys will be boys. And Dennis apparently won the tussle. That explains why Mom is so tenderly seeing to his scrapes and bruises, and doesn’t seem the least bit upset concerning the violence aspect.

    FW: No way! Somebody’s laughing in Funky Winkerbean!

    H&L: At first glance, I thought the back of Hi’s mag said “Girls.” Well, at least that way it made sense as to why he’s completely ignoring his wife and son.

    JP: So…on to the new (or rather, back to a couple of months ago) storyline…

    Lockhorns: No snark here. The strip’s actually funny today!

    MT: So let me get this straight. At first, Bob didn’t want to have anything to do with poaching, because it was “illegal” and he “might go to jail.” And now he’s the first one coldbloodedly to leave Mark to be eaten by gators. Wow. When our swampbilly goes to the dark side, he ain’t funnin’.

    MW: Apropos of nothing having to do particularly with the current plotline, but this just popped into my head. (With apologies to the traditional English nursery rhyme):

    Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
    How does your meddling go?
    With platitudes and nosy `tudes,
    And my victims all in a row.

    FBoFW: Oh, no! Midlife crisis alert! Depression, despair and doom are sure to follow, thereby straying perilously close to Stinkerbean-owned territory.

    RMMD: Tim Howard and Mr. Fox, the general manager of the old folks’ home: twins separated at birth? Or just two guys stupid enough to wear really bad toupees over their completely gray hair?

  39. buckyswife
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:19 pm [Reply]

    BB: One of the military ‘mudgeons can correct me if I’m wrong here, but doesn’t the Army have procedures in place for when a subordinate disregards a direct order?

    Then again, a pesky court-martial could interfere with Sarge and Beetle’s rough love play….

  40. Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:25 pm [Reply]

    Violet is certainly deserving of COTW, but you have to at least consider Ace for COTY.

  41. Poteet
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:26 pm [Reply]

    DT — “Well, you’ve snooped for the last time!”

    Promises, promises.

  42. Poteet
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:27 pm [Reply]

    Yay Violet! Nicely snarked! And woot woot for you entertaining float riders also.

  43. Perky Bird
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:30 pm [Reply]

    # 32 commodorjohn– Bwahahaha! Nice Firefly reference!

    And congrats to Violet and my fellow float riders!

  44. Poteet
    September 21st, 2009 at 12:37 pm [Reply]

    I gotta say that althought this COTW list is shorter than usual, it’s packed with funny.

  45. David B
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:15 pm [Reply]

    Hi & Lois: Is this a copy-and-paste error in the comics? I suspect the Misters Walker initially had “pulls a muscle”, then decided “throws out his back” would work better (hint: that wouldn’t have been funny, either), and ended up with “pulls his back”, which is both non-funny and makes little to no sense.

    And yet this comic strip got paid for appearing in over 1,000 papers today. Justice is apparently not only blind, but has the sense of humor of a vaguely sentient robot programmed by one of the Hilton sisters.

  46. Jesse C
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:19 pm [Reply]

    great job violet, that was one of my favorite comments ever!

  47. Sequitur
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:21 pm [Reply]

    45. David B
    Apparently, they just “pulled your leg.”

  48. One-eyed Wolfdog
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:24 pm [Reply]

    #42 – Or in my case, ‘woof woof’.

  49. bats :[
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:25 pm [Reply]

    15. One-Eyed Wolf Dog: oh, that’s just nasty! Damn tits! Damn, DAMN tits!

  50. AeroSquid
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:26 pm [Reply]

    33. buckyswife: Gah ! You made look up the ref. Now it makes sense. =D

  51. True Fable
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:30 pm [Reply]

    #27 zenvalo – Thanks! It’s there now.

    Alas, my Mark Trail Theater stuff is gone, having been scoured out in the last Site Makeover. It presented a less family-friendly Mr. Trail, shall we say, and I thoroughly enjoyed writing every twisted, goofy, salacious paragraph of it. I think I have it saved on my PC somewhere.

    And if you think Bob is a tough swamp customer, you haven’t seen anything like Snuffy and Loweezy Smif facing off agin’ Mark Trail. His khaki’s gotten him into trouble before, and fooling around with Loweezy back in her pre-Snuffy, Daisy Mae twin days only makes Snuffy a tech mo’ suspicious of Our Man Trail.

    aw shit. I just checked, and I have things saved up to the momentous Smith Encounter. Well… maybe the next version will be an improvement over whatever I had before. At any rate there’s this little scene:

    Buck Jones had a simple way to avoid unwanted calls. He refused to have a phone. That didn’t stop visitors from calling, and when he answered the door he came face to face with his old friend Mark Trail. At Mark’s side was an attractive girl with long dark hair, massively big eyes and a rack that would have earned her a place in the Boone & Crockett Hall of Fame. She could fit in neatly between the wax displays of June Morgan and Rusty Duncan. Between their “busts”. Heh heh heh, Buck thought to himself, I made a funny.

    “Well are you going to let us in, or are we your new lawn jockeys?” Mark asked mildly.

    “Oh, my manners! Sure, come on in,” Buck invited. “Who’s your lady friend?”

    “This is Sam Hill; Sam, this is Buck.”

    “Sit on down, Mark. Molly’ll be along in a minute. She’ll be glad to see you, Mark. She didn’t know what’s kept you from visiting for so long.”

    Mark and Sam got cozy on the couch. “Buck, do you know anything about the construction work going on near Lost Forest?”

    Oh shit, Buck thought. I shoulda known if there’s any progress to walk into the county, Mark Iron Eyes Cody Trail is gonna knock it back out with his Fist of Justice. Well, as long as I have poached deer meat in the freezer from Lost Forest I guess I’d better just be helpful. Aloud, he said, “I have a friend named Homer who’s working on that site. You ought to get hold of him.”

    Mark took out his ever-present notepad and pen. “Homer. Homer what?”

    “Homer. Just Homer; hell man, he’s a secondary guest player so far, I don’t know his goddamn last name!”

    “Okay, Homer will do.”

    Sam gave a yelp and curled up against Mark’s firm hard body. “Oh, my God!”

    Buck looked around where Sam stared impossibly wide-eyed at the bedroom doorway. A large brown bear rose upright, its shiny red collar in merry contrast to the furry brown body. The collar did not match the ruffled white apron or the lace-edged white cap on its head. “Oh, that’s my Molly. Say hello to Miss Sam, dear.”

    The bear let out a roar, and then dropped to all fours and shuffled off into the kitchen, where it nosed around the cabinets. It was then that Sam and Mark saw the little red thong on Molly’s hindquarters.

    Sam gave Mark a perplexed look. “Just let it go,” he advised in a whisper.

  52. Dingo
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm [Reply]

    Mollificent #36: Leave the gear at home, dear. I just want Pastis. Naked as the day he was born. Never been into the dead cow scene myself.

  53. Baka Gaijin
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:44 pm [Reply]

    Dick Tracy, yesterthread: AAAAAH! AAAAAHHHH!!! EVILSCARYCLOWN!!!! I stopped reading the site for almost 2 weeks in hopes of not seeing a Dick Tracy ugly scary Depresso the Clown and this is what I see. Damn. Great CsOTW by the way.

  54. Islamorada Girl
    September 21st, 2009 at 1:48 pm [Reply]

    Fun Fact: If you happen to have a dead cow, you can call 1-800-DEAD COW and they will come pick it up. But you have to leave a check in a sealed jar in the deceased bovine’s mouth.

  55. Darkefang
    September 21st, 2009 at 2:01 pm [Reply]

    Yesterthread – #21 – True Fable:

    Wait a minute. Doc owns Lost Forest? I assumed Mark did.

    Didn’t Mark and Cherry just get married a few years back? Were they living in sin (with her dad) or has Mark just mooched off all his various Lost Forest friends, crashing in their living rooms whenever they needed someone to watch their circus bears and domesticated raccoons?

  56. Écureuil Écumant
    September 21st, 2009 at 6:11 pm [Reply]

    FW: I have to assume the “pies” they’re talking about are Montoni’s pizza pies, in which case the cheerleaders’ adviser is only talking sense. Getting hit by a Montoni’s Large Deep Dish Supreme would be like getting hit with a vat of carcinogens.

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